Archive for September 13th, 2009

Derek Jeter Has Forever Ruined 9/11.

13th September
2009
written by jed

THE BRONX, 2011

“Do you remember 9/11?”

“Oh, Hell yeah! I woke up my kid so he could watch with me. We were screaming, I was calling my dad. Unbelievable. My hands were sore from all the clapping and high-fives.”

“You son of a bitch. I lost my brother on 9/11.”

“He was that much of a Gehrig fan?”

(gunshots)

I hope you’re happy, Derek. You just sentenced some mentally handicapped people to death (just like Governor George W. Bush!).

YESTERDAY

Yes, Derek Jeter has become the Yankee with the most all-time hits (as a Yankee). He broke Lou Gehrig’s 70-year-old record of 2,721.

Congratulations, Mr. Jeter.

Nixzmary’s Law will “seriously boost jail time for adults who torture or deliberately cause a child to die.”

Translation: the new maximum penalty would be life without the possibility of parole.

Question: why keep these people alive? I understand the logic of (most) people’s opposition to capital punishment, but if they’re never getting out, why waste time and resources caring for these people?

And, lest we forget, 7-year-old Nixzmary Brown was frequently abused by her stepfather (her toilet was a litter box, she’d spend a day tied to a chair) up until he beat her to death.

The stepfather was sentenced to 26 1/3 to 29 years in prison (for 1st degree manslaughter). The mother got 43 years.

The law is a ass.

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews went on Oprah just in case there were still people who didn’t know about her unauthorized naked footage that lives (forever) on the internet. And, you know, that she wants to put it all behind her.

By going on Oprah.

South African Sports Minister Makhenkesi Stofile has declared that, “We think [Semenya's] human rights have been violated and her privacy invaded.”

Honestly, if I was a South African and this was the worst kind of human rights violation going on in South Africa today, I’d be grateful (unless I had a ball sac in my vagina).

Not only did Jeter surpass Gehrig in hits as a Yankee, but he did it without the benefit of amyothrophic lateral sclerosis (which Gehrig is lucky the league didn’t test for back then).

David Mack refused to step down as a board member of the MTA and the Port Authority, insisting that he cooperated completely in the State Police scandal probe of a few years ago. Andrew Cuomo pointed out that, in fact, Mack invoked the Fifth Amendment 37 times during his “testimony.”

Cuomo recently shared this information with the general public.

Mack resigned on Friday.

I hate the MTA.

Now the mouth-breathers are pointing out that Joe Wilson has raised $1,000,000! In less than a week!

See, shortly after Mr. Wilson gave Obama a sincere apology for his outburst, he issued a video ad to boost his fundraising efforts (in a most unapologetic way).

So what you’re saying then, mouth-breathers, is that it’s OK to heckle the president while he’s speaking to Congress (and THE NATION). And not only is it OK, b’also you’ll pay the guy who does it in the hopes that he can get re-elected to the position again.

Fuck Joe Wilson and especially fuck all of the “real Americans” who gave him their money (but who also don’t want the government taking their money).

I can’t wait for Civil War II: The Quickening.

A 30-year-old woman from Coatesville, Pennsylvania got really stoned. So stoned, in fact, that she made her 6-year-old daughter drive her home.

Cops pulled the little girl over and found her mother in the back seat laughing her ass off.

The girl’s aunt showed up and asked her, “Was your mom smoking the stinky stuff again?”

“The girl teared up and said, ‘Yes.’” reported the Post.

Her mother was charged with child-endangerment. She wasn’t charged with DWI, though because she wasn’t technically driving.

The law is a ass.

Obama raised the tax on tire imports from China. They used to pay a 4% levy. Obama just added a 35% levy.

“China strongly condemns this grave act of trade protectionism by the U.S.,” said Yao Jian, China’s Minister of Commerce.

And then he went back to overseeing the exporting of his country’s poisoned toothpaste, toys slathered in lead-based paints, dog food laced with melted plastic and whatever else they can find in their overcrowded gutters.

Ashley Dupre made Page Six (today on page 10 — so close!). Again.

Apparently she’s now really good pals with Russell Simmons (they met at yoga!) and he’s “taken her under his wing.”

She will now have a regular blog on his Global Grind web site. And if her blogging is half as good as her whoring…

Remember the two roommates at the Fashion Institute of Technology (I just noticed how weird that sounds) who were busted with cocaine by undercover cops last year? They just rejected a six-month plea deal.

B’also? The police can no longer find the $200 the girls used to buy the drugs, the drugs, the text messages the girls sent to the undercover cops about buying the drugs, or the cops’ expense reports from the sting operation.

New York’s Finest, indeed.

Jermaine Jackson recently announced that President Obama, Mary J. Blige, Whitney Houston, Madonna, Natalie Cole and many, many more luminaries would gather in Vienna to celebrate Michael Jackson’s birthday on September 26th.

Then everyone on the list told him that they either never agreed to do it or they did but changed their minds.

Jermaine Jackson more recently announced that no one will be celebrating Michael Jackson’s birthday in Vienna on September 26th. Ever again.

An estimated 6,500 drivers go through the E-Z Pass lane at tolls without actually paying.

That seems to me like a bullshit MTA-created statistic.

A Cornell University student has died of swine flu.

Score one for community colleges.

Annie Le, the missing Yale post-grad wrote an article for Yale’s B Magazine titled “Crime and Safety in New Haven” which provided students with safety tips from Yale Police Chief James Perrotti. The article ended with the author’s conclusion that “with a little street smarts, one can avoid becoming another statistic.”

Oof.

The professor who cancelled his class (which Annie was in) on the day she disappeared was interviewed as a suspect. It’s starting to look like foul play is a lock.

Score two for community colleges.

Mischa Barton explained her recent stay in a mental hospital to the biddies on The View.

It was her wisdom tooth. It hurt so much that it drove her mad.

I actually think I’d rather hear more about Ashley Dupre than ever learn anything else about this talentless bimbo.

Michelle Malkin returns with more despicable rhetoric (she so hateful) and Rich Lowry cracks “The Secrets of Obama’s Rhetoric” with 13 rules to follow if you want to give a speech like our POTUS. Some examples:

1) Create a false center.

2) Scorn ideology.

6) Say things just because they sound good.

13) Load it up in a teleprompter.

Seriously, what is the mouth-breather obsession with Obama reading off a teleprompter? The last guy ALSO USED A FUCKING TELEPROMPTER but somehow managed to sloppily rape the English language every single time he tried to read a speech.

It’s infuriating that the gullible saps that gobble up Glenn Beck’s bullshit on a daily basis truly understood how manipulated they are by their favorite rabble-rousers (“Obama loves his fancy teleprompter! He eats arugula! He’s an elitist! Ignore the fact that Bush used a teleprompter and grew up in Connecticut in a mansion and was a legacy at Yale and destroyed every business his daddy ever set him up in!”), they’d drag them behind their pick-ups.

According to one editorial, there was a Coast Guard training exercise where they radioed about gunshots on the Potomac and CNN reported it as fact.

Yeah, CNN has become kind of a joke. But I thought they erroneously reported about the sonic boom(s) in California?

I have no TV.

Oooooooooh! Is Twitter going to start running ads? Maybe!

Am I going to join Twitter? No!

The New York Times is perilously close to charging for its online content.

When will Rupert and all the other newspaper moguls understand that EVERYTHING can be found online for free? If you charge me to read an article about the Brooklyn Book Fair, I’ll just Google “Brooklyn Book Fair” and find some other recent (and FREE) articles that probably cover the same ground.

Charging for online content is NOT the answer.

Just ask the Zagats.

There are almost 1,000 members in the Facebook group “I Hate the Word Moist” (but the Magic Hour only has 10 fans?!?).

If you Google the words “moist” and “hate” you get 964,000 results.

Duncan Hines is gonna be pissed.

Did Michael Jordan’s 23-minute speech at his Hall of Fame induction reveal him to be a pompous egotist? That’s not for me to decide. But I will point out that while there is no “i” in “team,” there is an “i” in “prick.”

In 1995, Jeter had just 12 hits.

In 1996, he had 183. In 1997, 190. In 1998, 203. 219 in 1999, 201 in 2000, 191 in 2001 and again in 2002, 156 in 2003, 188 in 2004, 202 in 2005, 214 in 2006, 206 in 2007, 179 in 2008, and 188 so far this year.

Captain Clutch, ladies and gentlemen.

TODAY

4 stories made the front page: Serena goes crazy at Open; JETER SOUVENIR POSTER; Ashley’s back!; and YALE HORROR.

1) Serena Williams committed a foot fault during service and then ripped an expletive-laced tirade on the judge who pointed it out. Then the judge tattled. Then some muckety-mucks entered the court. The judge claimed that Serena said “I’ll kill you” to her. Serena loudly denied it.

But she was issued a penalty which ended the match.

Maybe tennis isn’t all that boring after all…

…wait. Yes it is.

2) self-explanatory

3) How can she be back if she never goes away?

4) Police found bloody clothes in a drop ceiling in the building that Annie Le disappeared from. But the article doesn’t mention yesterday’s professor, so I guess he’s not a suspect anymore.

1 out of every 5 civilian clerical workers are being let go from the NYPD (booooo!). They’ll be replaced by other candidates on the civil service list (well, that’s a little better, but still: booooo!). The firings are a result of a ruling in Long Beach, California which stated that people who passed an exam for a civil service position deserve to be hired before provisional appointees who didn’t (what a gyp! booooo!). The workers being fired either failed the exam or refused to take it (really? well, in that case, yaaaaaaay!).

Rodney King took part in a “celebrity boxing match” on Friday.

“We had offers from everyone — Joey Buttafuoco to John Wayne Bobbitt — wanting to fight Rodney King. Simon [Aouad] was a police officer for two years, that’s why we picked him,” explained Damon Feldman, who has obviously never heard the word celebrity used correctly in a sentence.

Rodney won, but then 4 of Simon’s friends kicked his ass with nightsticks.

(just kidding)

Tens of thousands of mouth-breathers descended on the Capitol yesterday to show the rest of America how inept they were at making signs.

1) Glenn Beck has two n’s in his first name. Also, he’s a dick.

2) “Hey! That Was My Mall Money!” is not actually a protest sign against Congress, so much as a cry for education (running away from home would be a good start).

3) Chanting “We own the dome!” before getting back in your truck and driving back to Georgia is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Two (MORE) full pages of Ashley Dupre. Four photos.

I had a lot to write about (they list her 9 tattoos in great detail!), but I’ll boil it down to this:

Second paragraph explains that she wants “to become a singer, a mother, an author — anything but that girl.”

Apologies to Marlo Thomas notwithstanding, the fourth paragraph explains that she reactivated her MySpce page where she wished “luck” to “Client 9.”

So… she doesn’t want to be known as the whore who got Spitzer out of office, so she reminds the world who she is by wishing luck to Spitzer and referring to him by his code name (you know, back when she was a whore).

She goes on to lament that “A lot of guys want to be with me for the wrong reasons. They wonder ‘how is she going to be in bed?’”

That might be on account of you were a prostitute. They could say they’re interested in something else about you, like your, um…

…

… great shot of you in a bikini with your tits hanging out on page 5, Ashley. Maybe now those guys will take you more seriously.

PLEASE STOP APPEARING IN MY NEWSPAPER.

The cartoon on Page Six (today on page 10 — so close!) shows Lou Gehrig (in Heaven with The Babe [who is almost definitely not in Heaven]) about to hit his TV with a baseball bat as Jeter breaks his record.

Um… I think Lou’d be happy for Derek. He had 70 years in the #1 slot. That’s longer than he lived.

What a stupid cartoon.

VH1 “has been re-thinking and reshaping their shows” according to an insider.

And all it took was for one of the low-lifes they’ve gotten rich off of (on TWO different VH1 series!) to mutilate his wife and then hang himself.

Ain’t that Sumthin’.

Maybe now, music will somehow be involved in their programming?

A 14-year-old student at the Paterson Charter School for Science and Technology sent an e-mail to his teacher in May telling her that, if she didn’t give his entire class an A+ for the entire year, he would rape her. And her sister. And her mother.

He has been charged with making terroristic threats and criminal coercion.

And he has since been transferred to the Paterson Charter School for Rape Threateners and Food Service Gigs.

Since January, three “local airports” have confiscated 123,189 prohibited items from carry-on bags.

43 travelers were caught trying to carry explosives onboard. One guy had a baby alligator strapped to his thigh. Someone else tried to bring a kitchen sink onboard (that’s illegal… why?).

I hate airports.

David Dinkins compared his support for Charlie Rangel to the guy who stood in front of the tank in Tiananmen Square in 1989.

“That’s what I would do for Charlie Rangel.”

What’s stopping you, Dink? Flights to China leave every hour.

B’also? Turns out Charlie is a slumlord, too!

HOW DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB?

Humble Pie for the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Jack Canfield’s son, Oran, is releasing his book (Long Past Stopping) on Tuesday.

“He was the lying, cheating, conniving, manipulative inhuman son of a bitch who had left my mom when I was one and she was six months pregnant.”

Oran now lives in Brooklyn and plays drums in his band (and I’m not making this up), Child Abuse.

He also claims that his father “loved the memoir.”

That’s a weird family, yo.

Is Trinidad (or at least Prime Minister Patrick Manning) in cahoots with a radical Islamic group that tried to blow up JFK airport in 2007?

And if so, how does that make Tobago feel?

Pages 24 and 25 combine for one gigantic ad.

21 gorgeous works of art are showcased to promote the galleries at 457 West Broadway, where Fine Art Auctions  (of over 1,000 artworks) are getting underway.

And the gallery’s name (and I swear I’m not making this up) is…

Martin Lawrence Galleries.

Cindy Adams is doing one of those stream-of-consciousness riffs.

Back away slowly, then run.

Over 10,000 complaints were filed last year by New Yorkers against their health insurance providers.

The state found that at least 3,400 of the complainants were wrongly denied payments coverage for care.

I hope every asshole that drew a mustache on a blown-up picture of Obama and stood at the Capitol yesterday loses their insurance. And mouths. And house keys.

A driver with a suspended license (and $5,000 in outstanding DMV fines!) killed a 9-year-old boy (who was on his way to temple!) yesterday morning in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Take a bow, Novella Bilkerdyk, 54! You’re a child murderer!

Poor Gunther Link, 45, of Vienna, Austria.

He was trapped in an elevator, so he prayed for help. He was rescued soon after.

So, he decided to go to his church to give thanks. And when he entered…

…he was crushed to death by a falling 860-pound altar.

Moral of the story: stay out of churches, everyone.

Christopher Kelly was being pressured to testify against Rod BluhGOYuhvitch (nice lady).

He collapsed at a lumber yard on Friday. He’s dead.

Chicago is my kinda town, Chicago is.

Here’s a statistic to stump the mouth-breathers.

47% rate Democrats in Congress as negative, but 52% rate Republicans in Congress as negative. That’s an extra 5%!

Who are the people being polled? Well the Post neglected to mention that. Or when the poll was taken. Or where.

But still. Five percent more! Hotcha!

TV Guide is reducing the number of copies it publishes by 30%.

Again, twenty seconds and an internet connection will tell you what’s on TV and when — for FREE.

I bet John McCain still subscribes, though.

An 8-page pull-out celebrating Derek Jeter for his accomplishments on and off the field? Did no one tell your political cartoonist that you guys like Derek?

I don’t get Megan Fox. And the trailer for Jennifer’s Body is awful.

But, you know, congratulations to everyone involved in making the film. I’m just sorry that every article I come across mentions the 30 seconds of Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried making out (but in a sarcastic way, so as to appear to be making fun of the idea that that’s the only reason people would see the movie, while simultaneously using it as your main selling point).

The guy who’s in this week’s dating thingy (“Meet Market”) has one of his quotes blown up in a bubble next to him:

‘I want

someone who’s

in touch with her

inner child.’

But when I saw it in the corner of my eye, all I made out was “touch her child” and I laughed out loud.

Yanks lost their first two games against Baltimore, but slaughtered them this afternoon (while Teresa and some friends and I hit the Brooklyn Book Fair and Yogo Monster [which, I must confess, is ridiculously bad]).

Also in the sports section is a further examination of Serena Williams’ outburst at the open. The alleged threat was “If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat and kill you.”

A spokesman for Ms. Williams claims that Serena never cursed — she only said “freaking.”

That’s funny, because when speaking to the judges after the line judge complained, Serena shouted “Are you fucking kidding?” and she seemed way angrier when she was addressing the line judge.

And that’s Sunday (and Saturday).

Off to bed. See you in the morning.

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