Archive for September 14th, 2009

Mondays stink.

Sigh. Another day, another horrible newspaper to read.

“Activists posing as a hooker and a pimp” secretly taped Brooklyn ACORN employees giving them tips on how to get a loan. Definitely front page news. Truly. Because that’s where our attention should be. Not on health care.

Focus on ACORN, mouth-breathers.

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The taxpayers (and more specifically, the straphangers) gave the MTA a $2,000,000,000 bailout this year.

But over the last four years, they’ve payed contractors $3,000,000,000 to do various projects — despite the MTA having people in-house that already do some of the farmed-out jobs.

I’m going for a bike ride this afternoon and flipping off every bus driver I see.

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Kanye West made an ass out of himself at the VMAs (again), as did the incredibly unfunny host Russell Brand (again). But only Kanye (who the Post says was “apparently drunk”) apologized. From his blog: “I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM.”

Wait a minute. What did he just say about Taylor Swift’s mother?

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Broadway’s revenue is on the decline. But surely Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark will fix that. Right?

Great website, by the way.

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The undercover activists that managed to fool ACORN employees? Um… yeah. I mean, she could easily be a hooker, but him? A pimp? C’mon. He’s like Michael Rappaport’s even plainer looking doofus cousin, as dressed by the costume designer of I’m Gonna Got You Sucka.

But here’s a tip to all ACORN employees. If a white guy comes in asking you to say something illegal? He’s probably taping you for Fox. So… don’t give him advice on starting a brothel in Brooklyn.

(unless you know he’s legit, in which case you should totes assist — the Atlantic Center needs a whorehouse!)

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Joe “My 15 Minutes of Fame Should Make Me Feel Shame, And Yet…” Wilson refuses to apologize to his colleagues. And some of America’s dumbest find that refusal to be worthy of their moneys.

Also on page 6 (but not Page Six — haven’t gotten there yet) is a nice piece about how half of New York City’s small businesses don’t provide health insurance to their employees. HALF.

And as for the rest of the nation, the percentage of small businesses that don’t give their employees health insurance? 50%. That’s HALF.

But let’s talk about ACORN some more. And write Joe Wilson checks.

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You motherfuckers.

So not only do I have to see All About Steve this week, but I also have to see Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself? I actually have to see a Madea movie?

So. Angry. At America.

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They found a body in a wall at the lab that Annie Le disappeared from. They haven’t ID’ed it yet, but everyone seems to be sure that it’s Annie Le.

There are reports that a student failed a polygraph test when asked about her.

Not a runaway bride. A senseless murder.

Rest in peace, Annie.

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A guy placed his baby daughter (strapped in her stroller) next to a parking meter on 62nd Street and 1st Avenue and then drove away.

Police were called. The baby was taken to a hospital.

The parents later explained to police that they had argued, she had stormed out of the car, and he put the baby there assuming his wife would take her with her.

See? It was all just a misunderstanding!

I hope they both get jail time. And/or sterilized.

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Governor Paterson has plans for “an emergency budget deal.”

And he might get it!

Unless Hiram Monserrate winds up losing his current trial (you know, the one about him smashing his girlfriend in the face with a bottle?), in which case the Democrats lose their 32nd vote.

Politics are terrific.

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According to Page Six (today on page 14), Mischa Barton has been ordered to stay away from alcohol, men and “bad behavior” (aka drugs) by the higher-ups at her new TV show (The Beautiful Life).

“All I can do is smoke cigarettes!” she complained to no one in particular.

And I encourage you to smoke a lot of them, Mischa. As many as you can!

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Page 19 has two (TWO!) articles on Ashley Dupre! And one’s another “exclusive” interview! Hooray!

1) The current media whore/former actual whore is now considering posing nude for money. Her justification? “If it’s good enough for Madonna, it’s good enough for me.” So… let me get this straight. During the height of your “fame,” someone offered you $2,000,000 to show your tits to people who didn’t pay your pimp first, but you “didn’t want to be turned into more of a sex object” (um… how could anything make you more of a sex object? YOU WERE A PROSTITUTE!). But now you’re OK with it. Did I get that right, dummy?

2) Dan Aquilante gives Ashley’s second single (“I Feel So Alive Without You”) a rave review, saying “the tune displays edge with simple, yet hard guitar strikes, reminiscent of Heart.”

PLEASE. STOP. WRITING. ABOUT. THIS. IDIOT. HOOKER.

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Oh, Fredric, you dicker.

Oops. Let me start again.

According to Fredric U. Dicker, the GOP is trying to get Rudy 9iu11ani to abandon his plans to be New York’s lisping governor and instead run for lisping senator.

Better that than finding new fresh ideas, right, GOP?

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More Fashion Week coverage.

Depending on your definition of “fashion.”

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According to a 2-page ad in today’s paper, Target asked Post readers to “tell us what more we can do for you” in an ad on May 31st.

627 people actually did. They printed 5 comments and what they’re doing to implement/answer them.

One if the five is: “Can you please have your employees be more friendly and say ‘thank you’? Showing appreciatuon goes a very long way with me.”

Target assures the lonely old woman who (surely) wrote this that their employees will now greet and thank everyone. Thanks, old lady.

Had I known about this campaign, my email would have read:

Dear Target,

How can you afford to employ 30 people who wander the store while texting and ignoring customers? And how can they not be able to answer the simplest of questions? Is there a maximum IQ for applicants? Are you proud of the redshirted punks who wear droopy pants and bump into customers (because THEY should GET out of MY way — I gots to get my text on!)? Also, is Isaac Mizrahi really as gay as he acts?

Thanks in advance,

Brick Haus

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Cindy Adams interviewed Zach Galifianakis (and others) at a premiere screening of the upcoming HBO series, Bored to Death. She doesn’t get Zach.

“Took me 30 years to learn how to spell [my name]. Besides, everybody knows the Greeks run Hollywood. Greeks are Jews without money. Print that. I want you to print that.”

“I’m a sexually frustrated comic artist. But in real life, I’m dating Joan Rivers. Print that. I want you to print that.”

Cindy also mentions that a “comedy writer” passed by to tell her that the show was loosely based on his life. His name? Dean Haspiel.

Dean is not a comedy writer. He is an artist. A comic book artist. He drew Jonathan Ames’ last graphic novel. My guess is that Zach’s character (the “comic artist”?) is probably based on Dean.

Please get in the box, Cindy.

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Mary Josephine Ray is believed to be the oldest living American (she’s 114). She was recently asked what she thought of her long life. Se replied, “It was so long ago, I don’t remember much about it.”

And that is today’s Most Depressing Sentence Ever.

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Jane Isabella of Johnstown writes in to say, “Obama’s speech said nothing new. Whoever yelled ‘liar’ was right on the money. Obama is no longer believable.”

1) Obama said many things for the first time in his last speech. If you’d been paying attention to what he said (and not what disingenuous “entertainers” claim he said), you’d know that.

2) You know, I’d tell you the name of the guy who yelled liar, but you’d just send him money. And I’m sure your 5 kids wouldn’t want you wasting their GoGurt money.

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Matt Welch (who edits something called Reason) insists that Glenn Beck’s 9/12 protest (anybody else find that name to be in really poor taste?) was not how the MSM portrayed it (I hope everyone at the Million Man March appreciates the irony here). He says there were more people than reported. He says that the most offensive signs he saw said “Ayn Rand is right” and none were “racist, radical portrayals of Obama.”

1) To say that there was “an overflow crowd” of “(at least 100,000, by my rough unscientific estimate)” is like roling your eyes while saying “you’re gonna wanna see Jennifer’s Body because the two female leads make out!” It kills me that someone who should (and almost certainly does) know better would say something like, “Well, I don’t know about the elite number tricks that the Defeatocrats can do with their God-hating science, but I’d wager we had roughly 100,000 at that brave assembly” is almost as farcical as George W. Bush re-inventing himself from someone who would laugh at the mere suggestion that he would have a beer with “regular Americans” into a cowboy who’s just like y’all.

2) I’m supposed to believe that these idiots can’t spell Glenn Beck’s name correctly ARE FANS OF AYN RAND? You find me a single one who can pronounce her first name correctly and I’ll buy you a cookie, Matt.

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Lady GaGa’s performance at last night’s VMA’s was that much of a must-see? OK, internet. Show me what I missed.

[watches "Paparazzi"]

You’re kidding, right? That’s what passes for a great performance nowadays? I am so old.

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Pink Twatted from her seat at the VMA’s that Kanye West was “the biggest piece of shit on earth.”

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Madonna began her tribute to Michael Jackson with, “Michael Jackson was born in August, 1958 — so was I. Michael Jackson grew up in the suburbs of the Midwest — so did I. Michael Jackson had eight brothers and sisters — so do I.”

Edited for time was the line, “Michael Jackson loved to take little children from their rightful homes and then dress them up and sleep with them in his arms — so do I.”

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Boston’s damned lucky. Tampa Bay has lost their last 11 in a row. They’re now 12 1/2 games behind Boston in the Wild Card race. Texas is 4 back. We’re still 7 games ahead of Boston in the AL East (magic number is 13; 9 for a playoff berth), but it’d be awesome to give the Sox October off.

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Donovan McNabb got a cracked rib during yesterday’s game against the Panthers, proving Rush Limbaugh correct when he insisted that a Black guy couldn’t be a good quarterback.

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Serena Williams has been fined $10,500 for her temper tantrum the other night. But the USTA is currently deciding if the should consider it a “major offense.” If they say it is, Serena loses the $350,000 she won.

Are they fucking kidding her?

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The Mets are now officially out of contention. Sorry, Met fans. See you next year.

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Ichiro Suzuki’s single last night gave him 200 hits this season and nine consecutive seasons of 200+ hits, which breaks “Wee” Willie Keeler’s previous record. Where’s the political cartoonist? It’d be funny if Willie was in Heaven and he was about to smash the TV because an Asian broke his record! ROR!

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Jeter scored for the 100th time last night, the twelth time he’s done that in his career. This puts him ahead of Babe Ruth (11) for second-most of all time (for a Yankee), but behind Gehrig (13).

Next year, Cap’n.

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Iran is a big fan of Lost. The show will be broadcast on Iranian TV (their “government” just approved it), despite their earlier condemnation of the show for its “Zionist concepts.”

B’also? Maybe they’re making WMD.

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B’also? Just saw some pictures of signs at the 9/12 protest.

1) ‘CAP’ CONGRESS AND ‘TRADE’ OBAMA BACK TO KENYA!

2)Oh, S#!t

It’s 1939 Germany all over again

Obama’s HR 3200 = Hitlers T4

3) SOMEWHERE IN KENYA A VILLAGE IS MISSING ITS TELEPROMPTER

4) WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?

5) VOTE OUT ALL INCUMBENTS EXCEPT JOE WILSON

6) COMRADE/CZAR

NEITHER IS AMERICAN

(with a terrible drawing of Obama is a foreign dictator’s outfit)

7) HEY BARRY… SHOW U.S. YOUR SMALLPOX VACCINATION

(this one has so much shit written all over it… suffice it to say it makes connections between Osama and Obama, 9/11 and 2009, and appears to have been made with a magnetic poetry-for-hatemongers set) (b’also? it’s written on a bedsheet)

9) ACORN = OBAMA =Child TrafficKing In Prostitation And Voterfraud & God Knows what ElSE By By ACORN & GoodBy (there’s fine print, but surprisingly, it’s illegible)

10) (photo of Lenin) + (photo of Stalin) & (photo of Hitler) + (photo of Castro) = (photo of Obama) If you are not scared, you are not paying attention! Do the math America!

11) Mr. OBAMA you’re NOT The Boss of ME

12) Get rid of Nazi Pelosi (with photo of Hitler-mustached Pelosi holding Photoshopped-in Communist symbol)

13) MY $ Earn your own; Loser

14) HITLER GAVE GOOD SPEECHES TOO

15) YOU CAN PUT LIPSTICK ON OBAMA But He is still A SOCIALIST…

16) OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT OF ‘KENYA’!

There are plenty more, plenty of Confederate flag bumper stickers, plenty of “Obama Bin Laden” stuff…

“Real Americans” can be “real assholes.”

But Mark Welch can still say with a straight face (well, as straight a face as one can make while simultaneously fellating a goat) that the MSM is erroneously reporting the presence of racist signage at Glenn Beck’s stupid-ass 9/12 hootenanny? Fuck you, Mark. And I’m suing you on behalf of the word “reason.”

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Will Jay Leno succeed tonight? Will he fail? Will I loathe reading about the predictions/ratings for the next 2 months? I don’t know! I don’t know! And yes!

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Happy Monday!