Archive for September 15th, 2009

You like me! You really like me!

15th September
2009
written by jed

And by “you” I mean “Mac.”

While it’s always a pleasure to chat with my old pal, yesterday’s call was especially enjoyable. We talked politics, Jay Leno’s new show, and Mac’s enjoyment of my seemingly newly-re-invigorated blog. I, playing the part of the self-important tool, neglected to ask him about his improv coaching, but that’s my excuse to call him back. Eventually.

Mac said that he’s been recommending E…W. to his friends (as Rich Sommer and Ricky Carmona and others have done), which made me happy. While I do get some catharsis from writing this (and amusing my 10 regular readers), it’d be great to broaden the readership.

So. Start pestering your friends. If I don’t read about this blog in tomorrow’s trades, you’re all fired.

Page 2 is an ad for the lottery. Page 3 is (almost entirely) a review of Jay Leno’s “new” show by Linda Stasi.

Linda loved it (!). Here is her pick for last night’s “Showstopper.”

I agree, except she meant that in a complementary way. Kudos to Leno the Segue King (“Are you ready to sing now that I invoked your dead mother?”).

NBC’s schedule, ladies and gentlemen. For every 30 minutes of 30 Rock, they give you 5 hours of Jay Leno’s 10:00 Tonight Show (followed by 5 hours of The Tonight Show)(and 5 hours of Fallon).

Almost 2 full pages (not to mention a nice-sized chuck of the front page) on ACORN. Apparently, the DA is investigating them. The Senate voted 83-7 to strip its funding. And that goofy fake pimp photo gets two more print runs.

Don’t see anything about how reports of the 6-figure turnout for Glenn Beck’s parade of missing teeth were greatly exaggerated (just like their fears and idea[r]s!). Or an in-depth look at why (contrary to all those signs that were at said parade) the death panels are a myth or why Joe Wilson was wrong in both message and method. Or a rational and even-handed look at the healthcare crisis. But I’m sure that’s just around the corner…

Are they going to ban smoking in New York’s public parks and city beaches?

We don’t smoke anymore, so go ahead.

Government scientists (remember a few ago when that was a contradiction?) believe that 1 out of every 3 male smallmouth bass in the U.S. have features of both sexes. They say the same about 1 in every 5 largemouth bass.

They blame hormones (like estrogen from women’s birth control) “that seep into the nation’s rivers.”

They also claim that the smallmouth bass feel better.

That lab technician at Yale? The one who failed the FBI’s lie detector test? The one who can’t seem to come up with a good excuse for the scratches on his chest? The one who abruptly stopped answering the cops’ questions and demanded a lawyer?

He’s in custody. Charges should be filed by the time you read this. Hopefully Annie’s family (and that of her fiancee) will get some closure from his inevitable prosecution (unless the defendant can afford a really good lawyer — then it’s anyone’s guess what’ll happen).

Anand Jon Alexander is a hot fashion designer who was sentenced to 59 years to life for sexually assaulting 7 young women and girls to whom he had promised modeling gigs (hot!). He faces similar charges in Texas and New York.

He asked for a mistrial because one of the jurors of his trial “tried to start up a romance with” Anand’s sister.

That juror, Alvin Dymally, was just fined $1,000 and sentenced to 120 hours of community service.

I have unearthed grainy recordings of Alvin’s come-ons to Anand’s sister. Best as I can tell, they included:

“You know 59 women are accusing your brother of brutally raping them… want to grab a bite?”

“You look like someone that could use a shoulder to cry on, or… a modeling gig. Just kidding.”

“After listening to all those girls on the stand, I’m horny. Interested?”

“I may be too stupid to get out of jury duty, but I don’t have to be smart to know what I want to insert my penis in.”

Qns. ‘Qaeda’ raid

Bomb search at homes visited by terror suspect

18 paragraphs in this article. It’s all about the suspects, why the NYPD and FBI went in, what they were looking for…

Paragraph #17 is one sentence long: “No materials were found, sources said.”

What’s to like about the MTA?

Harry Rupnarine is a transit cop. He loved Sukhdeo Hardat. She didn’t love him back. So he shot her — point blank — in the back of her head. She died. He told cops that he was trying to protect her from “two knife-wielding thugs.”

Rupnarine’s trial is currently ongoing. Just like my hatred of the MTA.

B’also? The MTA will soon be testing “seatless subway cars.” Yet another way we’re becoming Japan.

Kyle Smith’s poignant eulogy for Patrick Swayze begins, “Everybody put Patrick Swayze in the corner, at the intersection of bruiser and ballet dancer.”

If you know what this is supposed to mean, please call me.

The Ukrainian government says that Elton John can’t adopt the 14-month-old HIV-positive orphan he “fell in love with” because he is too old and not married.

Whew! That kid almost had a family and a life outside of a freezing-cold orphanage! Great job, Family, Youth and Sports Minister Yuriy Pavlenko!

Now, if the Ukrainian government had said, “he might outlive the child and then he would re-write “Candle in the Wind” for the boy and we’d rather nip that in the bud,” then I would be on their side.

Katy Perry made out with John Mayer on Friday and Russell Brand on Sunday! And she liked it!

Rue McClanahan recently re-told the story of her husband spotting Bea Arthur drinking alone at Sardi’s. He introduced himself as Rue’s husband, to which Bea replied, “Rue, I love. Betty White’s a cunt!”

I still can’t believe Estelle Getty was the youngest.

Jeremy Piven has slapped the Public Theater with a cease and desist letter for their new show, The Piven Monologues.

The show has actors reading messages posted online regarding Piven’s battle with mercury poisoning.

And Eve Ensler is suing because she already wrote a show called The Vagina Monologues and there can’t be two shows with the same name.

Anybody out there see that light show in the sky last Wednesday? It was pretty, right?

But do you know why the sky looked all sparkly like that?

The space shuttle Discovery emptied its urine tanks.

Science is gross.

Polls are open today until 9:00 p.m.

If you still have a shred of faith in the system, vote.

In the interest of making himself even shadier, Hiram Monserrate will forgo a jury trial. He opted for a bench trial, which I would imagine is easier to control.

He faces 7 years in the pokey and the loss of his filthy Senate seat.

Rick Lazio is running for governor!

He’ll lose! By a lot!

Score another point for community colleges.

A student at Hofstra University was gang-raped by five men early Sunday morning.

Cops have four of the five suspects in custody (one of the four is a fellow Hofstra student).

I hope all of them get the chance to play cards with Hiram Monserrate soon.

How incredibly stupid are the folks in Lansdale, Pennsylvania? The two guys running for mayor (including the guy who already is) staged an inflatable sumo wrestling match (between themselves, natch) to drum up interest in voting.

Know your audience, I guess. Know your incredibly stupid audience.

Serena Williams took time off from denying she threatened the life of that line judge in order to apologize to that line judge for threatening her life.

Geoffrey Robertson has an op-ed where he explains why we can prosecute Moammar Khadafy when he shows up on our shores.

And he makes a pretty solid case. Unfortunately, we have citizens taking to the streets to demand our Muslin Socialist Fascist Communist Nazi Manchurian Candidate President show them his birth certificate or they’ll water the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots. So maybe now isn’t the time to start static with Libya. Maybe.

Puke Junk (sorry, Ralph Peters) explains that Osama bin Laden is so 2001. His piece, Osama bin Has-Been, explains that Osama’s latest video (featuring Drake and T-Pain) shows the world that he’s all washed up. “Perhaps we’ll be hit by terror again one day. But Osama’s day is over.”

1) Not maybe, stupid. Listen to Cheney and the rest of your right-wing doomsayers. It’s only a matter of time! We WILL be attacked again! Soon! Maybe… NOW! Or maybe right… NOW!

2) I hope someone shows this to Osama and it lights a fire under him to get back in the game. And that he attacks Ralph Peters.

The Post has an editorial calling for the dismantling of the scam known as ACORN. Sigh. And on the next page, Rich Lowry helps expose “ACORN’s lawlessness.”

“It’s as if the government contracted with a right-wing militia to conduct gun-safety courses.”

Or better yet, it’s like the government contracted with a right-wing militia to police New Orleans after Katrina and the streets of Baghdad and allowed them to shoot whoever they wanted without any consequences!

Oh, wait. That was your guy who did that.

Ol’ black water, keep on rollin’.

The Burlington Coat Factory doesn’t spend a whole lotta time thinking.

Their newest promotion for NYC?

Leaving 500 bags unattended on the street, in stores, on public transportation.

What could possibly go wrong?

If you happen to find one of these bags, shout “ObamaCare will kill your grandparents! It’s in the Bible!”

(if you see something ill-conceived, say something ill-conceived)

Scarlett Johansson and Pete Yorn are releasing an album together? Why?

You know what’s worse than Kanye West? Everybody spending time and energy explaining why we shouldn’t care about him anymore. And doing in in 2-page spreads and online brain farts. Stop telling me what I already know.

Ignoring is bliss.

Yanks beat Angels 5-3, magic number is 12 (7 to be in the playoffs), 100+ wins this season is looking like a lock.

Go Yanks!

And that’ll do it for Tuesday.

Have the best day you possibly can, kids.

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