Archive for September 16th, 2009

Hump Day!

16th September
2009
written by jed

Many thanks to the many folks who’ve been recommending E… W. to their many friends.

Reciprocal praise (that is entirely worthy and in no way obligatory) to BOC at www.brianjamesoconnell.com, where words are also made into funny.

And now, the shitty news.

New column starts today

Michael Goodwin joins the Post

Gee. I wonder who this guy is. Let’s do a Google search. First thing that pops up: this.

Now I’m no brain specialist, but isn’t Michael’s piece where he reads into why the left hates Sarah Palin (primarily because she’s a Republican, as it happens, and not because she’s a disingenuous dimwit and a liar and a quitter, you betcha) eerily similar to the right’s accusations that Joe Wilson is being called a racist merely because he has the audacity to question The Messiah Obama?

“After all, contempt for Republicans is the only socially acceptable prejudice remaining among many educated people today.”

Ah, but if it’s the prejudice of the intelligent, maybe it’s more valid than, say, telling a Black woman to keep her relationship with her White father a secret so as not to “smear” his reputation (as a longtime segregationist! LOL!).

And Joe isn’t even Wilson’s real fucking name! How stupid are you mouth-breathers? His name is Addison. You want to vote for a guy named Addison? Sounds like an arugula eater. Sounds like a street you’d build a ballpark on, not a God-fearing politician. Joe the Plumber wasn’t named Joe. Joe Wilson isn’t named Joe. But they’re regular Joes just like you! Except that they aren’t! At all!

“A similar blind spot toward the political ‘other’ explains much of the contempt for Palin. If she were a Democrat, her unusual life would be spun into a compelling narrative that would make her the darling of the coastal elite.”

Basically, the article can be summed up like so: the left wing is guilty of unfairly lumping everyone on the right, especially Sarah Palin, into a amorphous blob that they deride unfairly. But if Sarah Palin was a Democrat, she’d be fawned over and the left wing, who are an amorphous blob of elitism, would never shut up about her retard kid.

Welcome to the Post, Michael. You’ll fit in beautifully.

Also making the front page is the handsome lab technician at Yale who was picked up by cops investigating the death of Annie Le. His name is Raymond Clark. They’re taking his DNA samples. If he cooperates, they say he’ll be released (he remains only a “person of interest”) while they run tests (which will take approximately a week).

Who wants to bet that he skips town? Or kills himself?

Goodwin won a Pulitzer? For a series of editorials about the Apollo Theater? Huh. And he’s married to the president of Hunter College? Maybe I was wrong about him.

Wait. It says he describes himself as “a centrist Democrat.”

Pull the other one, Goodwin. The Post don’t want no Defeatocrats on their payroll no how.

(dances, fires guns into air)

Page 4 is a full-page Macy’s ad featuring a woman who looks just like Katharine Heigl, but without the contempt for the people who made her rich and famous.

Two (more) full pages on ACORN.

The two “undercover activists” who so deftly disguised themselves as extras from The Mack, have new videos! This new one shows an ACORN staffer saying that she killed her husband and got away with it! And she was a madam! And she says that all liberals would give loans to pimps to open whorehouses!

And the pimp (real name: who cares?) used to do this sort of thing by himself. He made a hilarious tape where he went to Planned Parenthood and got them to agree to earmark his donations for the abortions of African-American babies! LOL! And those scumbags agreed! Can you believe it? They said “OK” and accepted his money! That they used to help people who need it! MISERABLE FUCKERS!!!1!

LI ObamaCare ‘robbers’

What can one take away from this headline? Anything positive about the POTUS? No? Maybe something evil about ObamaCare and what it will steal from you? Maybe?

Well, actually, “a crew of violent thugs” posed as volunteers and told an old woman that they could help her save money, she let them in. They shot one man 4 times and her in the foot. Then they pistol-whipped her mother and fled with $4,000.

Which is why I am against the public option.

Key-ripes.

Goodwin’s page is weirdly laid out. On the bottom is a quote by Victor Davis Hanson which proclaims that Nanc Pelosi proves that “influence peddling and corruption are bipartisan sins: Those out of power allege them, those in power commit them.”

Um, Victor? The GOP is out of power and just as corrupt as the Dems. I hate Pelosi and Rangel, too, but your quote (and Goodwin’s love of it) is flowery but {blindly partisan at best, purposefully misleading at worst.}

And over on the right, there’s a mini-column: Are there racists in America? Do bears…?

Here, Mikey lumps all of the left’s accusations of racism into an amorphous blob (with not a single example given!) and says they’re false. “The claim among some Democrats that opposition to President Obama is proof of racism is preposterous, yet it’s a dangerous turn.” You’ve got to be kidding me, right?

Hey, Goodwin, still beat your wife? No? So, you’ve stopped beating your wife. No? So, you still beat your wife. No? Then I’ll run with “Goodwin angrily denies beating wife” as my headline, OK?

Your opening sentence is pure smoke and mirrors. No Democrat thinks that all opposition to Obama is race-based. But if you can’t see that the outburst of Addison “Not Joe” Wilson (who voted to keep the Confederate flag flying over the state house in 2000; who voted to give hospitals money to treat illegal immigrants in 2003 [he recently changed his mind on that one -- in fact, he booed the President for agreeing with his new position!]; who accused Democrat Bob Filner of “hating America” because he paid attention to American history; who is a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans — a group that regularly practices “heritage defense”; who believed that Strom Thurmond’s biracial daughter coming forward “diminished” Strom’s legacy) during the Black POTUS’s speech wasn’t in some part rooted in the fact that he’s proud to fly the Confederate flag and wishes the Civil War turned out differently, then you are either in denial or a moron.

Goodwin’s main article is about why Bill Thompson can defeat Mike Bloomberg, which pushes the needle away from “in denial” and towards “a moron.”

I love that people (especially J. Lo!) were offended by Joe Jackson’s bring a hot, young singer as his date to the VMAs. Of all the things this man did in his life, THAT’S what bothers you?

Comedian Pat Cooper made an off-color joke while eating dinner on Staten Island, offending a fellow patron. Cooper apologized and then gave the man two tickets to his upcoming show.

Let’s hope Pat’s stage show isn’t offensive.

(ha!)

Yankee Stadium is reducing the prices on their seats for the 2010 season. Instead of being insanely expensive, they will now be ridiculously expensive.

Some restrictions apply.

More details on the Hofstra student. She was at a frat party where Jesus Ortiz, 19, stole her phone. She demanded it back, but he just walked back to his dorm. She followed him inside. They rode the elevator to the 11th floor. Jesus’ friend, Stalin Felipe, 19, started hitting on her, she declined. Once there, she was tied up, forced into a bathroom stall and raped by Jesus and Stalin (didn’t I see that sign at the 9/12 rally?). Shortly thereafter. three more men showed up. She begged for help, not realizing they were all friends of the first two rapists. Rondell Bedward, 21, and Kevin Taveras, 20, along with Jesus and Stalin, are in custody. The fifth man has been identified and police are searching for him.

Why is there a 25-year maximum for these scumbags? Why can’t they die in a cement box, being raped and desperately trying to remember what “outside” looks like?

Voter turnout yesterday was less than 12%.

As soon as Cyrus Vance, Jr. was elected to replace Robert Morgenthau, 90, as Manhattan DA, Morgenthau whispered, “free…” and turned into a plume of dust and fillings.

Ashley Dupre walked the catwalk at Fashion Week! For Bahar Shahpar! And Russell Simmons was there!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

From Cindy Adams:

“Sir Anthony O’Reilly, than whom you can’t hardly get any richer except maybe for his Greek shipping heiress wife who has even more, may be running on empty.”

So, he couldn’t be richer and also he’s broke? Why are you still above ground?

Charlie Rangel is angry that Obama slashed his health-care reform budget from $1,000,000,000,000 to $900,000,000,000. “He ignored our funding mechanism completely,” he wheezed.

I think more people should ignore Rangel. Especially his funding mechanism.

Why Penthouse has a letters section:

A man and woman decided to have sex in a dumpster in Wichita, Kansas. Two robbers interrupted them and used a pocketknife to take their money, jewelry and shoes.

I wonder what kind of jewelry someone wears to fuck in a dumpster…

Jessica Simpson’s Maltese-poodle, Daisy, was snatched by a coyote — while she looked on in vapid horror! Neighbors reported “we heard yelling and screaming from the direction of Jessica’s house.” But they just assumed she was recording another horrible album.

Wow. Lots of readers complained about that Gehrig-smashing-his-TV-in-Heaven “political” cartoon.

Nice.

If you subscribe to The Wall Street Journal, you’ll be charged $1/week to access it through your BlackBerry or iPhone. If you don’t subscribe, you’ll pay $2/week. Rupert Murdoch is also looking to institute either a subscription fee or a pay-per-view model for hulu.com.

Keep grasping at those straws, Rupe.

Lou Lumenick has a piece on the TIFF. It focuses solely on movies wherein actresses kiss. Jennifer’s Body (really? girls kiss in that?) features Amanda Seyfried kissing Megan Fox. Seyfried has sex with Julianne Moore in Chloe. Moore kisses a lady in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.

Now THAT’S film criticism!

The magic number remains 12 (we got creamed by Toronto), but the Rangers’ loss moves our playoff number to 6.

Here’s how Posada got ejected (you don’t need to watch the whole thing; this was just the best footage I could find [though the final line of narration when Sabathia bear-hugs Posada to take him to the dugout -- "Sabathia with the save" -- is pretty witty]).

O, Canada… you fight like lit-tle girls…

No one knows yet what the ultimate penalties for everyone will be. Stay tuned

Happy New Comics Day. See you in 24.

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