Archive for September 17th, 2009

Ernie Anastos has some ’splainin’ to do…

(is it just me or is he saying “Keep fucking that chicken”?)

I decided to treat myself to a bagel this morning and, while waiting for the expert doughsmiths at Terrace Bagels to toast my brekkies, I flipped through the headlines in the paper.

Today is a monster news day. Let’s start at the top, shall we?

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The front page is a grainy photo of Raymond Clark (main suspect in the death of Annie Le) and an ex-girlfriend (they were high school sweethearts). They are both in Halloween costumes — she is wearing tiny devil horns on a headband; his entire face is painted red (the stubble is a nice touch), his eyes are surrounded by black circles, and his tiny devil horns are on his forehead. The Post says he is dressed as Hellboy, but the horns are all wrong and there’s no cigar in his mouth, so I’m skeptical.

But that ex-girlfriend, so happy in the photo, filed a police report against him in 2003 claiming he vandalized her locker (because he wanted to break up). While talking to police about the incident, she also mentioned the time Raymond forced her to have sex. But no charges were filed, just the report.

According to their HS yearbook, Raymond was also a member of the Asian Awareness Club.

Creepy.

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Poor Governor Paterson.

He proposed that Nancy Shevell, the MTA board member who prefers touching Paul McCartney’s old man balls in Europe to attending crucial board meetings, be fired. So she cast the only dissenting vote against the enormous pay package being offered to Paterson’s incoming MTA chief, Jay Walder.

Shevell’s term is up in 2011. But she was good friends with David Mack, who was publicly humiliated recently when his claims of “helping the State Trooper investigation” were revealed to be lies and he resigned from the MTA board.

I think that if Paterson had any kind of support from NYC, he could oust Shevell. But he doesn’t. So he can’t.

In fact, his approval rating is once again diminishing. It’s now at 20%.

I hate the MTA.

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Chris Brown, clad in a reflective orange vest, reflective orange gloves and (o, irony of ironies!) a wife-beater, was pulling weeds in Richmond, Virginia yesterday on Day One of his 180-day community service sentence.

Chris Twatted “MY HEART IS INCOMPLETE” on Tuesday, later replacing it with “sorry yall, just one of thise days.” He also posted a YouTube performance of his song “Changed Man” featuring dozens of photos of Brown and Rihanna.

Please let that be a violation of his sentence.

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According to the UN, the number of websites featuring images of child pornography quadrupled between 2003 and 2007. Currently, estimates say that over 4,000,000 such sites are live.

So, I guess, if you call a model “a skank” then they’ll hunt you down and drag you into court, but if you’re posting photos of kiddie rape, then you’re golden.

Well done, earth.

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Page 6 (not Page Six) features a full-color sidebar featuring “The best columnists”: Michael Goodwin (Sunday & Wednesday), Andrea Peyser (Monday & Thursday), Richard Johnson (Every day), and Cindy Adams (Every day).

Now, we all know that Michelle Malkin has Shannen Doherty eyes. But what I never noticed in that Andrea Peyser also has oddly-crafted eyes.

It’s clearer in the tiny photo of the paper, but one eye opens more than the other (a lazy eye for a lazy reporter? glass eye for the straight guy?).

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P.S. – Those four are far from the best ANYTHING, let alone columnists.

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ACORN shut down its recently-embarrassed housing programs while promising to “clean… house” while “re-establishing the public trust.”

The Senate overwhelmingly passed an amendment to freeze government funding of ACORN, but when asked about it, Nancy “More Harm Than Good” Pelosi responded thusly:

“I don’t even know what they passed. What did they do? They defunded it?”

Outstanding. Could one of the Democrats that actually cares about how their party is perceived by the nation do something about Nancy? And Rangel? Pretty please?

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Let me see if I have this right.

The Republicans refuse to support any health-care reform, so the Democrats are compromising huge chunks of the bill… which the Republicans still won’t support.

Senator Max Baucus(D-Vermont)’s brand-new health-care plan has no public option.

The more I read about this, the angrier I am (and the happier I am that I don’t have kids — I shudder to imagine the distant future).

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Mary Travers (of Peter, Paul and Mary) died at age 72 of leukemia.

Henry Gibson died at age 73 of cancer.

Burt Reynolds, 73, recently completed 30 days of rehab (he was “a prisoner of prescription pain pills”) and isn’t dead yet.

Sigh.

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Now comes the reason for today’s title.

The Hofstra student who told police that five men gang-raped her recanted her claim last night. All four men in custody were released.

“Late [last night]… the alleged victim of the sexual assault admitted that the encounter that took place early Sunday morning was consensual,” said Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice. “I have launched an immediate investigation into the statements and reports given by this woman in connection with this incident.”

So it appears that my animosity towards the five (alleged) rapists was misguided. I apologize to the four whose names I sullied (and the fifth, wherever he may be).

Now? All my animosity is aimed at Danmell Ndonye, 18, Hofstra student and person responsible for falsely accusing five men of brutally raping her.

Oddly, the DA says the sex was consensual, but some of the guys said they never had sex. So either Danmell slept with 5 guys consensually and called it rape or she slept with some consensually and called it rape or she didn’t sleep with any of them and called it rape. Unfortunately, my newspaper is awful so I don’t know which is the case.

But whichever the case may be, she’s a jerk.

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The National Legal and Policy Center filed a formal complaint against Charles Rangel. They contacted the Ethics Committee and complained about all the taxes Rangel never paid and repeatedly “forgot about.”

Once again proving that your 6-year-old (or Yoda) could work at the Post, the article features this sentence: “The committee already is investigating Rangel.”

Hardly wait for the outcome I can.

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O slaps Carter over race line

President Carter said he thought racism was a motivating factor in Addison Wilson’s heckling of Obama. Obama’s spokesperson said that Obama disagrees.

I find the Post’s use of “slaps” to be motivated by racism.

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Is Chris Dodd a shitty politician? Yes. Is he the lesser of two evils? YES.

His newest contender is the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, Linda McMahon (wife of Vince). Her credentials? Bret “The Hit Man” Hart once compared her to Margaret Thatcher. If memory serves, Hart is the wrestler who fell to his death during one of Linda’s staged events.

Linda McMahon is the best Connecticut Republicans can do? I’d sooner vote for Lieberman.

Actually, no I wouldn’t.

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Oh, Barbra Streisand. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Her fans (?!) have accused her of rigging a “cute pet competition” so that her friend could win tickets to her upcoming Village Vanguard show (um… couldn’t you just put her on the list, Babs?). When Page Six (today on page 16) “investigated,” the results of the contest were nullified and a new winner will be picked shortly.

See, the person who originally “won” is Streisand’s dog’s breeder.

And now you, too, know far too much about Barbra Streisand and her upcoming Village Vanguard show.

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OMG! Was Mischa Barton totally smashed the other night, despite her TV bosses telling her not to be?

According to someone at a party at the Bowery Hotel (who saw her at the front desk), “She kept saying, in a really spacey, weird British accent, ‘Like, I’m with the deejay. I totally know the deejay. I’m here for the deejay.’ She was slurring her words.”

The spy also claims that she “needed to be escorted to the deejay booth” where she proceeded to “stand for about an hour, dancing in her own world. I don’t think her eyes were open to full capacity — or even half capacity — the whole time she was there.”

Go on with your talentless self, Mischa! And smoke more cigarettes!!!

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There’s also a photo in Page Six (today on page 20) that’s supposed to be Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner.

It’s definitely Gervais, but that can’t be Garner. Can it?

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Anna Wintour wore the same coat twice in six days.

How did this avoid coverage on the front page?

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After looking at today’s featured Fashion Week outfits, I have come to the conclusion that fashion designers have issues. Especially you, Alexandre Herchcovitch.

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Fun fact: Henry Gibson’s real name was James Bateman.

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Remember John Allen Muhammad? The sniper?

He’ll be executed on November 10th.

Good.

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Not sure how many people watched the first 2 nights of The Jay Leno Show. I only know that there were 7,000,000 less viewers on the second night.

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The law is a ass.

A woman in Wisconsin dressed up in a gorilla suit and went to a number of gas stations where she stole Styrofoam bananas from ad displays. It took a while, but police figured out who she is.

However, she now lives in Montana. The po-po did some quick math and decided that extradition wasn’t worth the cost (Styrofoam isn’t very expensive), so the charges have been dropped.

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Not speaking French saves lives.

An Aer Lingus flight attendant thought the tape being played to the passengers was describing normal landing procedures in French. Actually, it was announcing an emergency landing. The non-French-speaking passengers remained calm while French-speaking passengers freaked out.

Moral of the story: no one should ever speak French.

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Barf Tools (sorry, Ralph Peters) has a whatever-you-do-don’t-think-piece titled “AFGHAN EXCUSES Political correctness kills our troops” that claims that when American soldiers call for fire support in Afghanistan, they are told, “Are you 100 percent sure there are no civilians in the area? Sorry, you are on your own.”

Just curious — has political correctness killed as many American troops as Halliburton?

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Norman Borlaug died at 95. Don’t know who he was? Watch this:

A true hero. Rest in peace, Norman.

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The editorial “Red Herrings” is hilarious for many reasons.

1) They keep calling Addison Wilson “Joe”!

2) They say that “Joe” violated decorum when he heckled the POTUS, “and never mind that he had facts to back him up.” Um… really? He had facts to back him up? You mean the “facts” that were immediately discredited?

3) They say that the Congress rebuking “Joe” was “because the left sniffed blood (and never mind all the ‘Bush lied’ quips by such leftist saints as the late Ted Kennedy).”

a) Not only did Bush lie many, many, many times, but many. many Americans died as a result of those lies.

b) “Quip” is a condescending term that belittles its inherent truth.

c) Oh, is it time to go back to shitting on Teddy? I thought after your fawning eulogies that you’d decided to let him rest in peace. Silly me.

4) “Alas, for [Democrats], the Wilson distraction isn’t likely to change the terms of the health-care debate. Americans are just too smart for this.” Flattery will get you nowhere. You can’t brush Wilson’s heckling off as a non-issue, while simultaneously pointing at 8 years ago and screaming “B’also, they did it, too!!!!”).

5) The gigantic headline above the letters column next to the editorial complaining that Wilson’s apology to Obama and Biden should have been more than enough? For Thuggish Celebs, ‘Sorry’ Doesn’t Cut It (folks wrote in to complain about Kanye and Serena and their bullshit apologies).

An insincere FORCED apology behind closed doors is enough for Addison “Not Joe” Wilson’s despicable outburst? Americans are just too smart for that. At least, the ones who can breathe through their noses.

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Michelle Malkin (how did she get bumped from the “best columnists” sidebar?!?) writes about ACORN and why Charles Gibson is a member of the “ostrich media” who refuse to cover ACORN and why ACORN is pure evil.

I wish she would fall down a flight of stairs. Like the one from The Exorcist.

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Citibank is about to start a gigantic ad blitz in the hopes of boosting its image. Is it time to buy more stock in Citi yet?

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Beyonce wants to call her new perfume Sasha Fierce. Abercrombie & Fitch already has a fragrance called Fierce.

They’ll be fighting this one out in court.

Your tax dollars at work.

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Twitter is now valued at $1,000,000,000.

Unfortunately, the company can only withdraw $140 at a time.

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Marlee Matlin is developing a sitcom at Showtime called Talk to the Hand.

Well played, Showtime.

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Boston has won their last 7 games. Texas has lost their last 4. Tampa Bay has lost 9 of their last 10.

Sigh.

Well, our magic number is now 11 (4 for the playoffs).

The last time the Yankees had 4 players with 25 or more home runs in a single season (Matsui, Teixeira, Rodriguez and Swisher) was Gehrig, DiMaggio, Dickey and Gordon — in 1938.

Posada was suspended for three games (which turned out well last night — back-up catcher Francisco Cervelli hit a walk-off single in the 9th).

Never a dull moment…

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Community airs tonight. I watched the pilot on Facebook weeks ago and while it certainly wasn’t bad, it also wasn’t hilarious. I love Joel McHale, Ken Jeong, John Oliver… the creators are funny, Chevy Chase was once funny… there’s a lot going for the show. Maybe I’ll check episode 2 next week. As for Linda Stasi’s review:

“Episode 2 is much better than Episode 1, but not so much better that I’ll spend four minutes DVRing Episode 3.”

It takes you four minutes to DVR something? Wow.

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Paula Abdul spent too long being coy. So You Think That’s The Kind Of Dancing That People Would Want To Watch On Their TV? Seriously? had asked her to be a judge. She seemed interested. They waited. And waited.

Adam Shankman, the cinema whiz behind Hairspray, Step Up and 17 Again will be the new judge. Not Paula.

Poor Paula.

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The Jay Leno Show went from 18,400,000 viewers to 11,100,000 viewers in one night. And the right-wingers are actually claiming it’s due mostly to Michael Moore being on the show (I’m not kidding).

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Oh, MTV. You so meta.

The network that used to have something to do with music has ordered 12 episodes of Warren the Ape. Warren is a puppet (ape) that used to be famous. He wants to resurrect his Hollywood career, so he goes on a reality show for celebrities.

Does Warren sound familiar? That’s because he used to be on Greg the Bunny. Remember that show? Me neither.

Other MTV series that have gotten the go-ahead: Hard Times (about a teenager with a huge dick), Teen Wolf (about a teenager who’s also a huge werewolf) and Skins (a remake of the hit BBC series).

It’s only a matter of time before Ashley Dupre gets her own show.

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Michael Starr finally gets to write an honest-to-God article! With pictures even! It’s who should (and who will) win Emmys this Sunday!

For Best Actor in a Drama, he thinks Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) should win. As for who will, “The industry’s overblown love affair with Mad Men means Jon Hamm again.”

For Best Drama, he thinks Breaking Bad should win. As for who will, “Mad Men, in more of Tinseltown’s ‘it’s the best thing ever!’ hysteria.”

Unless the cast and crew of Mad Men raped and killed his parents and forced Michael to watch, I find his constant hating on the show to be out of place. Especially for a guy who spends his days regurgitating press releases. Seriously, jerk. Stop shitting on Mad Men.

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That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

Friday is tomorrow! Then… weekend!