Archive for September 18th, 2009

Mad As Hell, Still Taking It For Some Reason.

18th September
2009
written by jed

Rush Limbaugh has gone too far (again). Mark Williams, one of the “brains” behind the Tea Party Express, was asked by Anderson Cooper about the various protests he’s helped organize. He insisted that: a) they weren’t protesting anything, they were celebrating America; and b) his calling Obama “an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug” was accurate and defendable. Glenn Beck in on the cover of the new issue of Time Magazine and what excerpts I’ve read are infuriating (“The old American mind-set that Richard Hofstadter famously called ‘the paranoid style’ — the sense that Masons or the railroads or the Pope or the guys in black helicopters are in league to destroy the country — is aflame again, fanned from both right and left. Between the liberal fantasies about Brownshirts at town halls and the conservative concoctions of brainwashed children goose-stepping to school, you’d think the Palm in Washington had been replaced with a Munich beer hall. “).

Intelligent design is not equally as credible as evolution.

Glenn Beck is not the same as Al Franken.

Concerns that government-run death panels are going to vote to kill your grandparents are not equal to concerns that you will have to sell your house to pay for your child’s medicine.

And the right and the left are not “equally fanning paranoia.”

I’m tired of compromising. I’m angry that the health-care reform that we need is being whittled down into a no-public-option boon for the insurance companies. And every Republican that continues to refuse to compromise (which is almost all of them) will get to crow, “See? It’s shit! That’s why I voted against it!” And Obama either doesn’t get this or believes that he should take the high road and keep trying to appeal to them.

That shrill Bachmann woman gets to propose an investigation in Congress to see who’s “pro-America and who’s anti-America” and she still has a job? No one is demanding her resignation? Really?

How dare the Democrats vote to rebuke the asshole (named Addison) who (erroneously) HECKLED THE FUCKING PRESIDENT?

When the Civil War starts, my wife and I will be in Buenos Aires. Call us when it’s over.

Hofstra ‘rape’ bombshell

WHY SHE LIED

Feared tag as tramp

According to Danmell Ndonye’s boyfriend (yikes), she lied to cops about being brutally gang-raped because she was afraid that people would think ill of her if they knew she was a willing participant. “I think she needs a psychologist. She probably felt like, ‘They’ll think I’m a slut,’” the boyfriend (oof) told The Post. Luckily, one of the guys who participated in the TOTALLY CONSENSUAL SEX filmed it all on his phone. When the po-po asked Danmell if the footage would back her story, she admitted that, actually, no it wouldn’t because she wasn’t raped. Not even a little.

Ironically, while I do think Danmell is a slut (sex with five strangers in a bathroom is kinda sorta the definition of the word), I now also think she is a selfish liar whose careless fabrications have forever tarnished at least five families’ lives (not to mention her boyfriend [ouch]).

Andrea Peyser does a sort of “greatest hits” column on the women who have cried “rape,” gotten national support , and were then proven to be liars.

I’m just tickled pink that The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton gets another shout-out for his part in the Tawana Brawley case.

Never forget.

Iranian President Mahmoud “I’m A Dinner, Jed!” Ahmadinejad was scheduled to speak at a function being held at the New York Helmsley Hotel. But once the hotel found out, they cancelled the function.

“Neither the Iranian Mission nor President Ahmadinejad is welcome at any Helmsley facility,” said a Helmsley spokesperson.

When reached for comment, Sherman Helmsley insisted that I stop calling him.

Ernie Anastos has apologized for his mangled words the other night (he meant to say “keep plucking that chicken” but it came out “keep fucking that chicken.”

He anounced on last night’s broadcast, “I apologize for my remarks to anyone who may have been offended.”

Then he thanked everyone at Fucks News.

Nada mas, Radames.

Radames Santiago, 18, is a student at St. John’s University. He posted messages on his Facebook page declaring that he was going to kill people on campus.

He has been charged with “making a terroristic threat.”

And “being so incredibly stupid that he posted this shit on his Facebook page.”

Ralph Peters (sorry, Vomit… no I got the name right this time — it’s Ralph Peters) is pretty mad about Obama shutting down Bush’s plans for a European missile shield. He thinks that Russia and Iran are cackling with glee and will surely start launching missiles tomorrow.

If Norm Macdonald and Mr. Rogers and Winston Churchill had a baby and then threw it down the stairs, it would look like Ralph Peters.

Police believe that Raymond Clark had help in killing and/or hiding the body of Annie Le. There may be a second arrest in the next day.

Clark’s fiancee also works at the lab. So does his sister and brother-in-law.

This gets more interesting every day (in a disturbing way).

Martha Stewart chastised Jessica Simpson in Us Weekly, regarding Simpson’s dog being snatched by coyotes. “It’s pretty sad. She should have watched it more closely, though. She should have been more careful.” And that’s an obvious thing.

Meanwhile, Simpson Twatted, “Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say it is a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby… why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.”

Isn’t that cute? It thinks it’s a mother!

Hey, Suzanne Somers! Why don’t you say something controversial about Patrick Swayze’s death to remind people that you’re still alive? Oh, I know! Say that Swayze was killed by his chemotherapy!

“They took a beautiful man” and “put poison in his body. Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins? I hate to be this controversial… but I have to speak out.”

Is that what you have to do? Not write one-woman shows that close before they open? Not write chillingly bad poetry?

I have a xerox copy of Touch Me: The Poems of Suzanne Somers somewhere in my folks’ basement. I was looking online for an example to put here, but couldn’t find any. So I went to Suzanne’s blog. And I read her “accomplishments” which included something that made me laugh out loud:

Founder of the Suzanne Somers Institute for the Effects of Addition on Families

This inspired me to found the Jed Resnik Institute of Typos and Misused Prepositions and Also Families.

And, in hindsight, yes. Swayze should have just eaten better. You have now officially out-stupided Chrissy Snow, SS!

Proof that Lady Gaga isn’t a man! She was a student at the Convent of the Sacred Heart on East 91st! Her real name is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta!

And I still don’t understand why she’s famous!

Barbra Streisand has awarded the runner-up in her “cute pet competition” the grand prize.

But the original winner (her dog’s breeder) gets to keep her grand prize.

So now there are two winners — the one whose victory was rigged and the one Babs was guilted into choosing.

I can’t wait to not hear about Barbra Streisand soon!

Katharine Heigl and her husband adopted a 10-month-old baby from Korea? Doesn’t Korea know what an ungrateful bitch she is?

On Page Six (today on page 12), there’s a picture of Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith (Will’s son) filming the remake of The Karate Kid (new title: The Kung Fu Kid).

What a terrific idea, Hollywood!

Be on the lookout for what could be the year’s funniest book: The Persecution of Sarah Palin and the Liberal War Against Red America by Matthew Continetti.

Apparently (and I’m in Matthew’s debt for pointing this out to me), Palin is not an idiot and a liar and a quitter. That’s just what the liberal media wanted you to think.

Poor Red America. When will the liberals stop fighting their hateful war against them?

The House approved a cutoff of all ACORN funding yesterday.

Quick! Someone tell Nancy Pelosi!

A 76-year-old man claims that Pedro Espada, Sr. (the most powerful Democrat in the state Senate and one of the biggest scumbags evah) encouraged his almost-as-reprehensible son (Alejandro, 30) to attack him and break his video camera (the 76-year-old had the audacity to ask Pedro, Sr. questions!) in 2008.

Alejandro would later plead guilty to second-degree harassment (which is a violation and NOT a “crime”) and agree to pay a $432 fine (for the broken camera). He was supposed to be sentenced yesterday, but the sentencing will now take place on November 9th. The victim also wants Pedro to be charged as an accessory.

Both of these men should be in prison (for many, many other reasons). I hope the judge throws many books at them.

Do I one day dream of going to one of the restaurants in this great nation of ours and ordering one of those ridiculously huge cheeseburgers? Yes.

Do I find the 185-pound $499.00 burger that Steve Mallie of Michigan is now selling to be an offensive waste of enough food to feed a small town? Yes.

His previous record-breaking burger weighed 134 pounds (the price of an “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger” was $350). Here’s a photo:

I can’t find a picture of the new burger that’ll fit on my blog.

You’ve done it again, Ralph Lauren!

A pair of shiny silver overalls that becomes a dress at the bottom? Bravo!

Keep making women ridiculous, Nancyboy!

Oh, look! The Octomom is feeding her eight screaming kids in the park (with the help of her 8-year-old son, Elijah)! Adorable!

Wait. Not adorable. What’s the other word? Oh. Right.

Criminally negligent!

So many editorials about what a pussy Obama is for caving in to Putin.

Sigh.

O’Reilly explains How Bam Can Bury the Scandal. His advice (and I promise that I am not making this up)?

Be a guest on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace.

“Wallace is no ideologue, and Fox News is dominating the national conversation right now. By avoiding Fox, the president looks weak. He is preaching to the choir on the network news shows. But the choir is obviously losing members. All the polls show that. So if I’m Barack Obama, I take the economy and the aggressive stuff I’m doing against al Qaeda and the Taliban, and I bring it over to the loyal oppositon. That would get some attention. And it might also bury the ACORN scandal in the process.”

Bill neglects to mention WHY Fox News is “dominating the national conversation” (or even what that conversation is). From where I’m sitting, the conversation is “Hey, have you noticed how a lot of people who watch Fox News religiously also believe that Glenn Beck believes what he tells them?” “I think they do everything religiously.” “Ha.”

And does anyone else find it funny that the guy on the cable news program (that you gotta pay extra for) believes that the only people watching “the network news shows” are Democrats? Even Fox, Bill?

But he’s also baiting a lot of meme-traps.

“By not coming onto my network (home of Sean Hannity, who likes to show edited footage of Obama answering questions and then reprimand Obama for not saying the things that he actually did say immediately after Hannity’s clip ends), you appear weak. Your absence is weakness. You’re scared of how truthy we are. Either you do as I say or you’re a coward with a fake birth certificate and a renegade Muslim agenda. B’also? Coming on Fox News would give you a chance to sweep ACORN under the rug. Isn’t that what you want to do? Try and hide it? Well, coming onto our network will help you do just that. Unless one of our telejournalists decides to show how truthy he is and tells you that, really, ‘that’s what all this is about, isn’t it?’ Remember: all the polls everywhere about everything agree with me — that’s science fact — and we’re ‘the loyal opposition’ where frequent guests include Michelle Bachmann who recently pleaded with fellow Republicans to slash their wrists and become blood brothers so that, no matter what, health-care reform doesn’t happen the way Obama feels it should happen. The way the majority elected him to make it happen.

When Bush would say things like “and you’re working hard to put food on your family” I always felt they were planned in advance. They were always too funny and I could never use them as debating tools (“Stop saying President Bush is dumb. He’s not dumb.” “I just saw him on TV saying, ‘I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully’ and then grinning as if he had just accomplished something notable.” “You sound ridiculous.” “HE sounds ridiculous! How can you not see that the guy who says “I was raised in a desert” — in a fake cowboy accent — was really every bit a member of the elite class as Kerry? And except for the odd sand trap and beach, THERE IS NO DESERT IN CONNECTICUT!” “You’re a raving lunatic.”)

So when Rush Limbaugh tells his audience that {Obama has created a new America and their White children will get beaten by Blacks (being cheered on by Blacks) if they get on a school bus (in Obama’s America, which is a different place than theirs [despite the laws of physics]) so maybe we should just segregate the buses and schools again because Whites are now the victim of this Black of questionable origins and affiliations}, and when Glenn Beck says that Obama hates all White people on national television without his bosses making him apologize (ironically Fox gave a very angry statement about Ernie Anastos following his flub, which is why he apologized the following night — but Glenn Beck’s disingenuous racism-stoking bon mot is OK), I’m back in that same blue-faced place, unable to explain calmly why I’m furious.

But I’ve let Howard Beale down because I (and tens of millions of others) continue to take it, despite being mad as Hell.

More ACORN-bashing, Michelle Malkin? Is it Friday already?

Boston finally lost a game last night, putting them 7 behind us, but still 6 games ahead of Texas. I think we’ll be seeing each oter in the playoffs.

In other baseball news, Bernie Williams’ instrumental album Going Forward has been nominated for a Latin Grammy!

Burnett starts tonight. And may God have mercy on our souls.

Kate Gosselin is putting together her own talk show. Paula Deen (who I liked up until this sentence) and two women I’ve never heard of are filming the pilot with her in Manhattan this weekend.

I am only in favor of this if VH1 picks up the show. That way, there’ll be a solid chance she’d wind up in a suitcase.

Oh no I dih-ih!

Actually, I dih. Have a lovely Friday! And force everyone in America to see something FUN at the multiplex this weekend, damnit!

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