Archive for September 19th, 2009

75 Cents for “60 Pages”

19th September
2009
written by jed

Saturday’s paper is always smaller than the other 6 days’. I understand that. But Tiday;s paper is only 60 pages long. The front page trumpets “22 PAGES OF SUPER SPORTS SATURDAY” which made me think about how many pages were actually “news.”

60 – 22 = 38. Take away the front and back page (whatever info they offer is repeated in greater detail inside) and the 2 pages of TV listings = 34. Remove the 9 pages of advertisements (that’s a low-ball figure if you take fractional ads into account) and you get 25 pages. For 75 cents. And that pommy bastard wants to start charging people to look at this stuff online? Ridonkulous.

Glenn Beck allegedly broke into the home of Irving Kristol last night and choked the 89-year-old father of the modern neo-conservative movement (and William) to death by vomiting into his mouth while gently caressing Kristol’s old man balls.

Kristol is survived by a faction of crazy people who believe Obama wants to brainwash their children through the TV box and kill their old folk with them there death panels.

“This 24/7 lockdown life is slowly driving me insane and killing [me].”

That was written in a recent response to a fan letter by Mr. Phil Spector. Using my detective skills, I was able to find the full response. This is an E…W. exclusive.

“Dear Sally,

Thank you so much for your beautiful letter. Getting mail from fans like you helps pass the time and take Phil Spector’s mind of the constant ridicule and occasional butt sex. Here are the answers to your questions (in order): Phil Spector owns 173 wigs but has access to exactly NONE of them. I did not want to originally call it ‘the Great Wall of Sound’ and the Chinese government never sued Phil Spector for copyright infringement — you owe your friend a dollar. I have two personalities that live in Phil Spector’s head — there is me (the author of this letter) and Phil Spector (the guy who loves beating up women and forcing guns into their stupid mouths), but I barely notice most days. Phil Spector never thought of it that way, but yes, it is weird that Robert Ludlum’s name is bigger on the cover than the name of the guy who actually wrote the book. This 24/7 lockdown life is slowly driving me insane and killing Phil Spector. My favorite ice cream is chocolate chocolate chip, but Phil Spector never shuts up about banana marshmallow (he’s crazy).

I would very much enjoy hearing from you again. And Phil Spector says hello.

Sincerely,

(calliope music)”

I would like to put up an updated production of Neil Simon’s The Out-of-Towners featuring Khadafy and Ahmadinejad as the couple that New York destroys. Now Khadafy will stay in the Libyan Mission, but not because The Pierre was about to make him give up his reservations (which is what the Barclay Intercontinental did to the Iranian President). He’s doing it to avoid such controversy. Guests at The Pierre were told to expect Khadafy as soon as tomorrow, and they complained. A lot. But The Pierre wouldn’t budge.

So, if you’re asked to recommend a hotel in New York City, try not to recommend the Pierre. However, if you’re asked to recommend a sexual position that requires (among other things) chili and saran wrap, you can’t go wrong with the Pierre.

Big piece about how the 5 guys accused of rape will forever have tarnished reputations and how the only reason they’re all free is because one guy taped the consensual group sex.

I apologize, again, for letting my shitty newspaper dictate my reaction to news and for jumping the gun on you guys. Because so many women fail to report their attacks, our society is conditioned to automatically believe the accuser in the hopes of getting more women to come forward. Sadly, that means that if a woman decides to make up a bullshit story (so her boyfriend won’t break up with her, to make someone jealous, for attention, or for any other reason), the defendant(s) have to disprove the allegation, especially in the eyes of the media. The fact that 2 of the 5 of you were cousins and that most of you didn’t know this woman’s name? In today’s society, no one even blinks at that; that aspect of the story got lost between “You’re all evil rapists” and “You’re all innocent victims.” Just be grateful that you’re getting as much positive coverage (if not more since you were really only rapists for a day) and you did negative.

And remember the moral of this story: Always record your sex, kids.

They said it wouldn’t last. But three years later, when I tell them that they were right, they stare blankly at me and try to remember who I’m talking about.


Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are getting a divorce.

For the answer to the question you just asked (“who?”), well, that’s why God created Google.

Rebecca Gayheart, co-star of the most boring sex tape I’ve ever seen (and there were 2 ladies even!) is three months pregnant and having severe morning sickness.

I like to think it’s the ghost of Jorge Cruz, Jr. fucking with you, Rebecca.

Andrea Peyser’s piece on Oprah’s live taping in Central Park (SHE’S THE BIG SHILL) really feels like it was an extremely venomous piece that got whittled down by an editor. But that assumes that someone actually reads Andrea Peyser (besides me). She hates on Oprah’s guests, her dress (and how it fit), her fans… but having read this harpy for many years, it just feels like her punches are pulled. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. Or maybe I’m just reading Andrea Peyser too much.

Daniel Jones, “a leader in the Jedi church in England” is considering a lawsuit against his local supermarket. They asked him to leave because he refused to remove “his ceremonial hood.”

“It’s part of my religious right. It’s discrimination,” he said between fistfuls of Combos.

I say again, homosexuals: Declare yourself a religion. Do as the sad Star Wars-worshipping fatties do.

I learned something new today!

Puma and Adidas (the shoe companies) were founded in Germany by two feuding brothers who had different political opinions.

The two companies (after 61 years of animosity and competition) have agreed to compete in a friendly soccer match.

Chancellor Merkel, tear down this insole!

Jonah Goldberg explains how absolutely no racism exists in the opposition to Obama (not even a teensy bit!). ALL of it comes from liberals.

The worst thing I can wish on Jonah is that the Post updates his photo.

Just about every letter to the editor today echoes Jonah’s sentiment. Jimmy Carter gets called a whole bunch of names (racist! narcissist! troublemaker! dangerous old fool! worst president of the modern era!) and some old lonely people get to feel better about themselves.

I may start taking Saturdays off.

Google and Apple are getting all up in each other’s grills.

Did Apple ban Google Voice? Or is Google full of doodies?

This battle could get hilariously ugly…

Dan Aquilante reviews the latest VH1 Divas special (hosted by Paula Abdul!) and says that the Divas (Miley Cyrus[?], Jordin Sparks[?], Leona Lewis[?], Kelly Clarkson[?] and Adele[?]) all performed quite well (did the definition of Diva change recently?), but the host was terrible (!).

Apparently, Paula poorly lip-synched a medley of her greatest hits and her attempts at humor drew silence. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone familiar with Little Ms. Echo Chamber.

Pearl Jam is releasing their new album themselves (yeah, stick it to The Man, guys!) and you can either buy it through their website (DIY! Woot!), iTunes (download that bad boy!), or exclusively at Target (yea… wait, what?).

Yeah, if you want to get the new album in tangible form, you gots to go to the Target.

ADDENDUM: According to Pearl Jam, Target is the exclusive big box retailer, NOT the only store to carry it. “Independent record stores” will also carry it (though they’ll purchase 1/10000000000th the number of copies, so expect to pay much more for it at your local shop).

The Man remains unfazed.

A.O. Scott says of Jennifer’s Body that it “deserves — and is likely to win — a devoted cult following…” which seems less complimentary than condescending to me… but I guess that was the nicest thing anyone has said so far about the comic horror movie (that early reports claim is neither scary nor funny). At least the ad doesn’t mention the 30 seconds of girl-on-girl kissing!

Oh, the humanity.

Mariano Rivera’s streak of 36 consecutive saves ended last night. He gave up a 2-run dinger to Ichiro Suzuki in the bottom of the 9th, giving Seattle a 3-2 win. That makes the washed-up jerk a pitiful 40-for-42 saves on the season.

God, he stinks. I hope they don’t re-sign him.

Magic number is 10 (3 for a spot in the playoffs).

Jay Leno’s new show-that-is-actually-The Tonight Show-but-let’s-pretend it-isn’t had 8,500,000 viewers on Thursday night.

A re-run of The Mentalist had 8,800,000.

That means that at least 17,300,000 Americans don’t have cable, internet access, or a life.


Get outside, peeps! It’s gorgeous out!



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