Q: I associate the late Robert Young with TV’s kindly, consoling physician Marcus Welby. Was he like his character in real life? –Mrs. J.H., Pittsburgh, Pa.

Q: I love the CBS show NCIS. Is the actress who plays intelligence officer Ziva David really Israeli? –R.M. Ricci, San Bernadino, Calif.

The first one is an honest question sent in by a lonely woman (I think the “Mrs.” was erroneously self-proscribed), but the second is the kind of thing I see almost every week. It is a question that can easily be answered by typing the name of the actress into Google. I have just done this and the first site it pulled up is her page on the Internet Movie DataBase (imdb.com). Without even clicking the link, I can read the first sentence which is: “Cote de Pablo was born in Santiago, Chile, but was raised in Miami.”

B’also? Did someone actually think that “Cote de Pablo” might be an Israeli name?

And here’s a letter to America’s Smartest Parade Magazine Columnist, Marilyn vos Savant:

“Why does a round pizza come in a square box? –Shelby Cook, Fayetteville, Ark.

Well played, Shelby. Well. Played.

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The Mrs. cooked an insanely delicious frittata this morning that our friend Diana helped us put away (with enough leftovers to feed me every morning this week), and we’re preparing for yet still another friend to come by for dinner (will Teresa outdo herself with her ambitious fish soup? prolly!). So I gots lots to do. But here’s your Sunday paper, all smarmy and one-sided — just how Rupert likes it!

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Anna Anka (Paul Anka’s wife, not the song by They Might Be Giants) is starring in a reality show about Swedish women with wealthy American hubbies (I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a great idea for a show!). But her native country is all in a tizzy because of her recent online kvetching about Sweden’s “drive for a genderless society”:

“Swedish dads are tragic with all their diaper-changing and equality,” said the former Miss Sweden and current sexist. She went on to say that it is the job of the woman to keep her man “sexually satisfied.”

“If she does not, then she only has herself to blame if he is unfaithful.”

Congratulations, Paul!

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After seeing what wonders it did Kazakhstan to complain about Borat, the Information Minister of Nigeria, Dora Akunyili, has demanded that all Nigerian movie theaters stop showing District 9 (because Nigerians are portrayed as gangsters). Dora also wants an apology from Sony and for all references to Nigerians to be removed from the film.

Good luck with that, Nigeria.

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Remember Peter Braunstein? He dressed up like a fireman, started a fire, did some raping, led police on a nation-wide manhunt? Currently serving 18 years to life (l’chaim!)? ‘Member?

Well, if you do, please let the cast of Gossip Girl know that he’s a big fan. In fact, he says that Season 3 of GG is his “incentive for staying in the game” (that’s lifer talk for “not killing yourself”).

“But still I ask myself: Sure, it’s probably going to be great, but is Gossip Girl, in and of itself, reason enough to stay alive? We’ll see.”

Dave Chappelle got worried that people were enjoying his show for the wrong reasons and he walked away from it. If only the knowledge that Peter Braunstein was furiously masturbating to each and every episode — and that the show was the only thing keeping him from trying to jam another screwdriver in his throat — was enough to make the cast and crew of Gossip Girl consider following suit.

P.S. — Peter has one other thing he credits with keeping him alive: “…pen-pal sympathizers, people — well, actually, just women — who followed my case and write to me, telling me that I’ve been wronged and misunderstood.” Unless this is another of his delusions, all you lonely/crazy dames have got to cut it out.

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People get killed every day, in hundreds of ways. But if you get killed in a fancy hotel, you get the front page!

Andree Bejjani, 44, lived on the 10th floor of the Jumeirah Essex House on Central Park South. She was found on the floor of her kitchen with a knife in her neck. The hotel’s housekeeping manager, Derrick Praileau hasn’t been charged just yet, but word on the street (word in the lobby?) is that surveillance shows Derrick (possibly drunk at the time) entering the apartment of Bejjani before his shift began.

Normally, I’d say this guy is a jerk and he’ll die in prison, but that’s what the Post wanted me to think about Stalin and Jesus and that blew up in my face. So, we’ll see what happens in tomorrow’s paper.

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After many many editorials shaming our POTUS for dropping the missile defense shield in Europe and getting nothing from Russia in return, the Russian government announced that it will no longer be deploying missiles to Poland and the Czech Republic.

“Russia drops missile threat” is the tiny headline in the bottom corner. How much you wanna bet the Post still chastises Obama for his lily-livered cowardice for which we have nothing to show? Put the money in an envelope. I’ll tell you when to mail it to me.

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EXCLUSIVE!!

Well, if it’s a New York Post exclusive, it must involve Ashley Dupre, right?

Ex-adviser: Spitzer had his eye on presidency

Stop the presses. The Governor of New York planned on eventually running for President of the United States. I bet that not only will Fox News devote substantial airtime to this astonishing revelation, but they’ll also take every other station to task for not covering this bombshell. Which they ignored because Spitzer is a Democrat.

And, oh look! A giant photo of Ashley Dupre in a bikini and mink coat! Journalism is HOT!

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Michael Goodwin joins the looooong line of Republicolumnists who like to say things that they hope people will call racist, which will allow him to jump on the “stop calling us racists for disagreeing with a Black president” bandwagon made of straw.

“A president can go broke fighting public trust. As it stands, Obama will soon be like the little boy who called wolf too often.”

Who you callin’ “boy”?

Just kidding. I get his reference to that classic children’s story, The Boy Called Wolf (Too Often).

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Want to see a hotel lobby, room and bathroom made out of 200,000 plastic Holiday Inn key cards? Then go to South Street Seaport and take a look (tomorrow’s your last chance!). It’s 400 square feet, weighs 4,000 pounds and is 1 of a kind (see what I did there?).

Even the terlit is made of cards!

Now I’ve seen everything!

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Over on Page Six (today on page 14), we learn that Russell Simmons likes Tommy Hilfiger more than he likes Ashley Dupre (why, it’s another photo of Ashley! thanks again, Post!). Tommy told Russell that Ashley Dupre was “unwelcome” at Tommy’s Fashion Week party at the Jane Hotel, so Russell disinvited Ashley.

This is a textbook example of “bros before hos.”

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Real-estate broker Jason Haber (of Prudential Douglas Elliman) was called by representatives of Moammar Khadafy regarding the rental of an Upper East Side townhouse. He told them to “take a hike back to the desert.” But they persisted.

“They kept asking, ‘What would be the price? What would be the price?’ I thought about it and said, ‘Why don’t you send Megrahi back to Scotland, and then maybe we can work something out.’ They hung up on me immediately.”

Anybody want to bet he made all of this up for the free publicity and the wave of clients who will reward his make-believe heroism with their business?

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I think I might have a gambling problem.

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Oh no! Are we running out of flu shots? One supplier said they’re making 3,000,000 fewer shots than ordered this year!

But if we don’t inject ourselves with the flu (which might actually infect you with the flu), then we might actually get infected with the flu!

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Nice piece about Chris O’Dell, 62, who slept with Ringo Starr, Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan (while all 3 were married). Her book is out next month. As Diana said at brunch, “Her vagina is like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.”

Agreed. Next order of business…

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Cindy Adams went to Connecticut and didn’t enjoy herself (“Nuts to the Nutmeg State!“).

May I suggest your discomfort wasn’t with Connecticut but with life? Your body has been trying to tell you for years that it’s time. Stop fighting it. Get in the box and sleep the sleep of the just.

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Peter Suderman explains why “On health care reform, Democrats are now their own worst enemy.”

1) I’m fairly certain that the side that refuses to compromise and knowingly spreads malicious untruths to muddy the waters for the more simple folk among us is still their worst enemy.

2) Could someone at the Post decide if its “health care” or “health-care” or “healthcare” and then make everyone there agree to ONLY use the chosen version? Poor Peter has “health care reform” in the sub-headline, but then his first sentence begins “As health-care reform struggles…” He also uses “health reform” and “health-reform” interchangeably.

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Of Addison Wilson’s Heckle Heard ‘Round The World, Jimmy Carter said, “I think it’s based on racism. There’s an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”

He’s right. Maybe Addison (despite the numerous past examples of his genuine racism) really had no malice in his heart or mind. Maybe it was like when I saw Thirteen Days in the theater and when Kevin Costner delivered his first line in (what I think was supposed to be) a Bostonian accent and I loudly whined, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Maybe, if you think a mediocre docu-drama about the Bay of Pigs deserves the same amount of respect as our sitting president, the outburst was just a knee-jerk brainfart. In which case, Mr. Carter’s first sentence is erroneous. Fine. I’ll give you that one. But it’s the second sentence that bears repeating.

“There’s an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”

The response I’m hearing from a lot of right-wingers is “why am I a racist for disagreeing with a Black president?” And my response to that response is, “Do you drag Black people behind your truck? Would you physically assault a Black woman who politely asked you to please not hit her daughter with the door as you left a Cracker Barrel? No? Then you’re not who he’s talking about. He isn’t talking about people who disagree with Obama on policy. He’s referring to the proud racists that live in America. And there are far more than there should be.”

Stupid people love absolutes and hate nuances (America: Love It or Leave It and You’re Either With Us Or Against Us spring to mind). I propose an IQ test before you’re allowed to vote. Or drive. Or reproduce.

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I have no idea what this Harris poll proves or who was asked this question or when (oh that’s right, this is the Post!), but 37% of the respondents want us to commit less troops to the war in Afghanistan, 20% want to keep levels the same, 25% want more troops committed, and 18% aren’t sure.

Good to know (regardless of context).

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Elio Valenti of Brooklyn refers to the 69,000,000 people who voted for Obama as “gullible.”

But I’m sure he hates being called a racist, right?

Absolutes. Gotta love ‘em.

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Two more full pages on the two “heroes” who proved that volunteers at ACORN are stupid and lazy! And sometimes they exaggerate! And sometimes they lie! And sometimes they do illegal things!

Just like everyone that works at the Target in the Atlantic Center!

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50 Cent wrote a book (Robert Greene helped)! The 50th Law will help your child grow up to be just like the former criminal/current flavor of Vitaminwater. Por ejemplo, when Fitty was a drug dealer and he found out that a competitor (Wayne) told some kid (Nitty) to kill him, he had to think things through.

If he tried to kill Wayne, Wayne might kill him (and it would be in self-defense!). If he killed Nitty, he’d go to prison. If he did nothing, he’d be killed by Nitty. But, clever purveyor of poison that he was, Fitty realized that Wayne was a punk (why didn’t he come after Fitty himself?), so he slashed Nitty on the cheek with a razor and shot up Wayne’s car. Nitty backed off and Wayne was exposed as a coward.

This made Fitty an even more respected drug dealer in his neighborhood.

All children should read this helpful guide. It’s like The Bible 2.0!

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Now this is funny.

“Sources in the toy industry” say that sales of G.I. Joe figures are tracking “well below retail plans.”

And the video game based on the G.I. Joe movie sold 136,000 copies in the entire month of August. Batman: Arkham Asylum sold 593,000 between August 25th and August 30th.

So Hasbro made a killing on the movies based on their toys, but their toys are losing money. Maybe they should stop making toys entirely. I mean, blockbuster movies are much more profitable. Plus, movies have never been responsible for children getting lead poisoning.

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Russell Simmons on why he enjoys coconut water:

“Do you know how many bananas I’d have to eat to get that much potassium? It’s so good for you. We don’t sit around smoking joints, we drink coconut water.”

Does this mean people are going to start killing each other over coconut water?

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Hmmm. This full-page ad makes a good point. Maybe I should become a Checkers owner.

That would solve every problem I’ve ever had! Except for depression.

Unless… can you deep-fry depression?

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I’ve made a few jokes about V.A. Musetto (the film editor of the Post) because he mainly reviews foreign movies starring sexy women (the sexier and more naked the woman, the more positive the review). But I haven’t noticed him doing that lately. So I’m willing to start again with a tabula rasa for Mr. Musetto.

Ah, today’s column (“Heidi’s Sex Adventure“) begins with a discussion of Bright Star.

“In the new Jane Campion film, Bright Star, Abbie Cornish portrays the teenage lover of 19th-century British poet John Keats. The film seethes with eroticism, but Cornish pretty much keeps her clothes on. If you just have to see the 27-year-old farmer’s daughter in the altogether, you’ll have to turn to her 2004 screen debut, Cate Shortland’s Somersault, which is available on DVD and the Sundance Channel.”

Then he describes two scenes where she’s naked. And a little bit about the plot. And he finishes with, “According to the gentlemen at mrskin.com, Cornish also does nudity in Candy (2006) — opposite Heath Ledger — and in A Good Year (2006).”

Pervertastic!

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The guy in this week’s Meet Market “hates when girls engage in unladylike behavior — like burping!”

What do they say about beggars, again?

Bonus points for his description: “27-year-old Shawn is just as comfortable on the dance floor as he is in the hospital ward.”

Is there context available? Prolly, but I found my money sentence and am therefore moving on.

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I cannot wait to see The Invention of Lying. But, and know that this comes from a place of love and respect, the trailer is pretty weak.

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The Yankees are down 7-0 as I write this. Texas looks like they’ve given up on the season. Tampa Bay would have to plant nuclear bombs under Fenway Park to get into the playoffs.

So… I guess we’ll be facing Boston in a few weeks. Bring it, Beaners.

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Joel Sherman lists his AL MVP choices. Mauer, Youkilis, Teixeira, Miguel Cabrera, Morales, Alex Rodriguez, Michael Young, Jeter, Abreu, Ichiro Suzuki.

Wait. You rank Jeter SEVENTH behind Teixeira (maybe) and Rodriguez (um… what?)?

Booooooooo.

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I see what happened now.

The Post listed the Curb Your Enthusiasm preview as if it were the premiere (to be fair, it’s referred to as “Episode 00″ by HBO). But the actual no-foolin’ premiere is tonight.

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Have a lovely evening and I’ll see bright and (relatively) early tomorrow!