Archive for September 21st, 2009

Whatever Happened To Kirk Cameron?

21st September
2009
written by jed

This.

Kirk Cameron, ladies and gentlemen. The scariest former heartthrob in America.

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Memo to Self: You Are A Lightweight

21st September
2009
written by jed

Between the three of us, we drank two bottles of wine last night (over a four hour period). There was a time when that would barely faze me. But I am nursing a pretty bad hangover (sweet, sweet coffee to the rescue!) and fighting the powerful urge to pull the covers back up and sleep for a few more days.

But Marc Maron’s latest WTF podcast (#6 – with David Cross) is playing and today’s paper is on my lap, so we might as well do this thing.

And, for the record, my wife is gourmet chef. And a gibbon.

According to the front page, the White House thinks Paterson would lose a gubernatorial election against 9iu11ani (agreed) and only Andrew Cuomo could run against America’s Lisping Mayor and win.

I have been saying this for months. And so have many others. So why is this front page news today?

I guess it beats talking about how Fox News consistently distorts the news it broadcasts.

If CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and MSNBC had any balls, they’d take out a full-page ad asking why Fox wasn’t covering the numerous stories of them taking quotes out of context and having their producers get audiences and rallies (that they all but organize) to cheer so that they can “report” on how “excited” the crowds are.

Trial today in Travolta son death

Oh boy! Is someone actually taking Travolta to task for letting Scientology convince him that his son wasn’t autistic, which kinda sorta led to Jett’s untimely death?

Sigh, no. John is suing the two guys (paramedic Tarino Lightbourne and former Sen. Pleasant Bridgewater) he says tried to extort $25,000,000 from him. John says they threatened to release “a document related to Jett’s treatment.”

I would love to know what document could possibly be worth $25,000,000 to suppress…

Three years in a row! Once again, 30 Rock won Best Comedy Series.

Two years in a row! Once again, Mad Men won Best Drama Series (suck it, Michael Starr)!

Bryan Cranston (or, as the Post calls him, Brian Cranston) won Best Actor in a Drama for Breaking Bad (after years of deserving Best Actor in a Comedy for Malcolm in the Middle). Sadly, Jack McBrayer lost (to Jon Cryer), but Alec Baldwin won (again!).

And the winners’ list is accompanied by a giant photo of… Blake Lively?

Peter Braunstein must be thrilled!

Marc Maron is very angry that Tom DeLay is on Dancing with the Stars.

Get in line, Marc.

Dinner with Sarah Palin (as offered on eBay) ultimately sold for $63,500. The winning bidder is Huntsville, Alabama’s very own Cathy Maples. Cathy is just like Sarah Palin. She’s a straight-shootin’ American grandmother. Who has met Palin twice before.

So where does such a down-to-earth true-blue reg’lar Joe (Jody?) get $63,500 to watch Sarah Palin eat soup?

Why, from her business!

And for context, here are the other closing prices for other auctions offered by the same charity:

* A baseball jersey signed by Rob Lowe (?): $620

* A CSI: NY “set experience and party with Gary Sinise”: $4,150

* Lunch with Karl Rove: $16,000

Faced with these prizes, I’d have just told Pat to put it all on a Service Merchandise gift certificate.

Jonathan Avilos, 18, is an idiot.

You want to make death threats against Obama? Fine. You want to do it by calling 911? Fine. You want to do the same for Ray Kelly? Fine.

But don’t do it FROM YOUR CELL PHONE.

Derrick Praileau has confessed to murdering Andree Bajjani.

Thank you for lessening the cost of your trial, Derrick.

B’also? Enjoy dying in prison.

The police are cracking down!

On people that rent bicycles near Central Park.

Uh… thanks?

Frederic U. Dicker (tee-hee) explains just how incendiary Obama (the first Black POTUS) pushing Paterson (the first Black governor of NY) out of the upcoming election is.

Will someone at the Post take him to task for bringing up race unnecessarily? Probably not.

But the article on the next page (“BAM CUTS GOV ON THE BIAS”) begins, “It was all over after Gov. Paterson played the race card.”

Really. THAT’S why Paterson lost favor with Obama (and his constituents)?

According to your FRONT PAGE, Obama is backing Cuomo because only Cuomo could beat 9iu11ani (if the polls said Paterson could win, would Obama refuse to back him because of the race card?).

Only Charlie Rangel (who deserves to be dipped in acid every hour for a decade) seems to have solved the riddle of why this is front page news: “It’s only a report from reporters. There’s absolutely no evidence to substantiate this, but all of a sudden, it’s a news story.”

Well said, you lying sack of crap.

Only one page of ACORN-bashing today? You’re losing your touch, Post!

Bleech!

That weird layout that Michael Goodwin’s page has is now being used by Lazy Eye Peyser. This allows her to have 5 mini-pieces on one gaudy page. She laments that Hiram Monserrate will probably be found innocent (I, too, lament this), how Jay Leno isn’t funny anymore (stop the presses), that Ernie Anastos should have been heavily fined (um… what?), that ACORN is not taking new clients and she needs “a few free bucks for a house in Bermuda” (what a pretty straw man, Andrea!) and (perhaps my favorite) how the new Manhattan DA is “soft on crime.”

That last piece is titled “Cy the root of all feeble” and in it, Andrea says that Cyrus Vance, Jr.’s “aim is not to lock up pedophiles and plotters but to root out what I’d term the ‘root causes’ of crime, otherwise known as giving miscreants a hug. Is he soft? That’s what I asked him as he handed out dead trees to voters in Greenwich Village. ‘To call me soft on crime is a very narrow slice of my criminal platform,’ he sputtered. Easy, guy. Vance wants to halt crime before it happens. ‘That’s not soft,’ he repeated. ‘That’s trying to be smart on crime. We are recycling people [through the justice system] without changing behavior. I think my goal is to try to move toward a criminal policy that keeps us safe.’ Good luck with that, Cy. We’ll need it.”

So, she declares him soft on crime THEN asks him if he’s soft on crime and when he explains that he isn’t and that he wants to rethink our extremely broken system, she repeats that he’s soft on crime and paints him as a bleeding-heart moron.

Hey, it sure beats work.

Charles Hurt happily points out that Obama is doing far more TV interviews than W. did in his majestic opus, “On-the-air prez seems like endless ‘infomercial’” though he fails to point out that W. spent more time on vacation than any other president — and that was after he started two poorly planned wars.

To prove his theory that Obama is tarnishing his office by being interviewed on the TV so much (?), he provides agreement from Matt Latimer (he used to write speeches for a POTUS, but I can’t figure out who…).

He also says that Obama is “out-hustling his predecessors with the print media” but if I point out the racial undertones of his choice of words, then I’ll have to deal with people accusing me of playing the race card. So, let’s just say, “What a great point, Chuck!” and hope he gets struck by lightning.

Someone accidentally walked in on Courtney Love at a party at the Standard Hotel the other day. She was sitting on a toilet with her kirt around her ankles. The man immediately excused himself (he claims he was looking for the exit), but Love burst out after him, attacked him and demanded that security arrest him “for attacking [her].”

“I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn’t a pretty sight,” the man said.

He added that security told him, “It’s best you get away as fast as possible.”

Note to the Standard: if you want to encourage people to come have sex at your hotel, you might think about not letting Courtney Love anywhere near the place.

Note to Courtney Love: Lock. The. Door.

When will Mischa Barton die?

According to a source on the set of her terrible new show, she shows up to work “so bleary some days that it holds up work.” The source also says that Mischa is constantly demanding that people make her instant coffee. “Often, she’ll stare at the coffee for minutes at a time and say, ‘Who will fix my coffee? I need someone to fix my coffee.’”

If she remains employed (and therefore has money for drugs) I give her until next summer at the latest.

Who is the most fucked-up member of the Phillips family?

Did you say Bijou? Good guess. But she’s just a terrible actress who likes to party with people like Sean Lennon. That’s like a 3 on the fucked-up scale.

Did you say Mackenzie? Better guess. She’ll be on Oprah this week to promote her new book, High On Arrival, which reveals her troubled childhood and drug use. She’s about a 7. Maybe an 8.

No, the most fucked-up member of the Phillips family is Tamerlane. He’s Bijou’s brother. He’s 38. And when asked about his family, he offered, “My family is and always will be a decrepit bowl of dog urine compared to Nityananda of Ganeshpuri. That is how great Nityananda is. Worship Nityananda, not the Phillips family. Nityananda can protect you.”

The Indian yogi he’s referring to died in 1961. Tamerlane was born 10 years later.

Wow. Jennifer’s Body tanked. It came in 4th at the box office (Love Happens came in 3rd!). #1 was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. This was one of my favorite books as a kid (the other was The Five Chinese Brothers). I look forward to seeing it.

But since the “two girls kiss!!!!” campaign failed for Jennifer’s Body, maybe the folks behind The Burning Plain should point out that Charlize Theron is fully-frontally naked in it!

V.A. Musetto just bought a ticket!

Will P. Diddy jump labels and release his next album on Interscope?!?!

P. Diddy still makes records?!?!

The guy who said, “No, John Edwards isn’t the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby — I am!” is now claiming that not only is the baby John Edwards’, but Edwards also promised Hunter that he would marry her on a rooftop “with the Dave Matthews Band playing.”

I can’t believe I almost voted for him.

According to Cindy Adams, she was watching TBS on Saturday at 6:00 p.m. when “an actor said straight out loud in an obviously scripted line of dialogue, ‘bullshit.’ Children, what is happening to TV?!”

Well, this Saturday, Family Guy is on at 6:00 p.m. Is it possible that Cindy can’t tell cartoons from reality? But a check on TBS’ website shows that The Whole Ten Yards was on last Saturday at 6:00. A little fancy footwork reveals the use of the naughty word.

Nicholas Oz Oseransky: Who sent you?
Buttercup Scout: Buttercup Scouts of America.
Nicholas Oz Oseransky: Bullshit. What troop are you with?
Buttercup Scout: What?

PG-13, my ass.

Did you know that a federal bill that would allow guns in checked baggage on Amtrak is currently making the rounds? Bloomberg (and many other mayors, lawmakers and other people who can breathe through their noses) is lashing out at it.

Thanks, Moneybags!

New York Methodist Hospital in Park Slope made a boo-boo.

For eleven (11) days, Richard and Joseph Mannarino called the hospital to find out about their mother. They were repeatedly told that she had been discharged.

Turns out their mother was dead. The hospital had the brothers’ contact info, but never told them she had died.

The lawsuit was filed earlier this month (despite the incident occurring in December 2007).

The one silver lining is that their mother’s body was still in the morgue when the hospital finally informed them of her passing.

Construction mishaps are up 40 percent this year! Outstanding!

Wait. Ahmadinejad is staying at the Intercontinental?

Why did I think his reservation was cancelled?

I can’t keep up with all of the scummy dictators comin’ to town!

There are some pictures of paintings by Alyssa Monks (of Brooklyn!). They look like photographs. She’s mad talented, yo.

Look at them here.

Laura Ruben wrote in to complain about Andrea Peyser referring to Danmell Ndonye as a “whore.”

Sorry, Laura, but if you have sex with five strangers simultaneously — in a bathroom stall — then, yeah, that’s a little whore-y.

B’also? I’d be more concerned about the guys who were called “rapists” by the whore.

For haters of the Yankees, this is for you.

The headline reads Gay, Jeter run historic 100s but it refers to Tyson Gay, who ran the second-fastest men’s 100 meters on record, and Carmelita Jeter, who ran the second-fastest women’s 100 meters on record.

But feel free to make some Derek Jeter is gay jokes.

You’re welcome.

Boston is just 5 games behind us. We play the Angels for the next 3 nights and then (after a day of rest) 3 games at home against Boston.

We’re going to the playoffs, but how we get there is no longer as obvious as I’d once believed…

Remember Chris Sligh?

Me neither. But I guess he was the fat curly-haired guy who came in 10th on American Idol at some point.

He just posted a blog entry that he intended to be advice for the next season of AI participants.

It’s waaaaaay too long, but it does a nice job of bursting bubbles. If it’s your cup of tea, click here.

Hugh Laurie claims that years of faking Dr. House’s limp is actually damaging his knees.

The article also claims that Dr. House walks with a limp because of a gunshot wound.

It’s been a while since I last saw it, but I’m pretty sure that’s incorrect.

Michael Starr got it wrong! Kate Gosselin isn’t starring in her own talk show. Paula Deen is. Gosselin and Woodruff and Syler (and Judy Gold!) will be “supporting” Paula.

How did you fuck that up, Mike? Was the press release originally in Spanish before you moved the words around for your “column”?

And you have never negative to say about Mad Men winning another Emmy?

Two-hour season premiere of House tonight? Yes, please.

Happy Monday!

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