Archive for September 22nd, 2009

Why Report News When You Can Create News?

22nd September
2009
written by jed

I’m “friends” with one of my favorite comic book artists (on Facebook) and he always has a movie playing while he draws. I used to do that (when writing this bad boy), but I found that it distracted me too much.

Today, I have the first episode of VH1’s Tool Academy 2 playing in a tiny window on the side of my screen. I’m hoping that seeing an episode of the first Tool Academy isn’t a prerequisite.

It’s been 3 minutes and I already want to cut off my wife’s fingers (I kid, I kid).

MY MAN!

O greets Andy as gov looks like odd man out

So many news stories in the world, and yet the Post decided to plaster their front page with the continuation of their Exclusive-Because-No-One-Else-Considers-This-News.

Obama is shaking hands with a bunch of guys standing in line. The Post photog managed to time his shot perfectly — Obama is shaking Cuomo’s hand while THE BLIND GUY stares ahead. Shocking.

Oh no! The douchebags just found out they’re on Tool Academy and not International Party King of Las Vegas! LOLZ! Big John’s not taking it well!

Anyhoodles, not counting (all of) the front page, there are FOUR (4) entire pages devoted to this revelation. Here’s what those pages include:

* A full-page (minus a narrow sidebar) photo of Obama and Paterson shaking hands with the caption, “WATCH YOUR BACK, DAVE: President Obama awkwardly embraces Gov. Paterson at the Albany airport yesterday, before slighting him during an appearance at a community college in Troy.”

* The sidebar next to that photo lists four (4) quotes under the headline “Famous betrayals”. They include Michael Corleone (The Godfather II), Henry Hill (Goodfellas), Julius Caesar, and Jesus Christ. I find it sad that they had to use three fictional criminals to fill out the sidebar.

* The opposite page features the headline, “Bam embraces gov — and all that’s missing is the knife in his hand” and the first sentence of the “article” is “President Obama inflicted a stunning series of snubs on Gov. Paterson during a visit to upstate New York yesterday, making it plain for all to see that Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is his governor-in-waiting.”

* They credit a “White House aide” with telling Paterson that Obama wouldn’t support him in the coming election. It was my understanding that this is all conjecture, but OK. Sure. If the Post (who once trumpeted that Kerry chose Gephardt as his running mate on their front page) says it happened, then it must have!

* If you doubt that the Post has an agenda, then try making it through this gem: “The ice-cold shoulder was apparent from the start of Obama’s speech at Hudson Valley Community College, in which the president used his opening remarks to damn Paterson with faint praise. ‘First of all,’ Obama said, pausing as if to search for the words, ‘a wonderful man, the governor of the great state of New York — David Paterson is in the house.’” Oh no he dih-ih!

I’m amazed Paterson didn’t start crying. The end of this insult to journalism promises an editorial on page 26 that re-iterates this nonsense with an even more partisan tone. But wait! There’s still two more pages of this!

“ANDY’S GETTING A 2nd CUOM-ING” runs across both pages with a large article by Fredric U. Dicker (tee-hee) on Cuomo’s failed gubernatorial bid seven years ago. “Paterson may get Obama parachute” informs us that Obama will probably give Paterson a position in his administration. Since this kind of doesn’t jibe with the whole “look at the Black POTUS treat the Black governor like shit!” flavor, it’s the smallest article. Go figure. There’s more (including Obama’s visit with David Letterman!) but I need to move on to something that isn’t as offensively partisan.

Brooklyn in the house!

Angel’s Barber Shop on Court Street (which I pass every time I go to Trader Joe’s) was the scene of a scuffle on Sunday. Douglas Williams, 16, got a haircut but didn’t like it. He demanded that Antonio Lopez, 77, take another stab at it (thankfully, that isn’t foreshadowing). So Antonio did. But Douglas hated the new one even more, so he yelled at Antonio again. Antonio screamed for Douglas to “get the fuck out!”

So Douglas hit the 77-year-old on the wrist with a metal pipe.

Antonio is OK (though his watch is mad broken, yo) and Douglas is in custody. With a shitty haircut.

Hey, Derrick Praileau! Why’d you kill that woman?

“When I drink, I lose control — and I want what I want.”

Oh.

Maybe Tool Academy 3 could be shot in the big house?

Models in the green room with hidden cameras? VH1 is stealing from Maury?!?!

Plaxico Burress will turn himself in today and begin his 2-year prison sentence.

I know “short eyes” is jailspeak for someone who hurt a child. What’s jailspeak for someone who shoots himself in the leg because he didn’t want to drop his glass of white wine?

May I suggest “Quentin Crisp”?

More context-less polling!

57% of “Americans” think government is doing “too much” but only 38% think government should “do more.”

Write that down!!!

Geoffrey Robertson explains why the NYPD has the perfectly legal ability to arrest Moammar Khadafy today.

Khadafy, who wears more Africa medallions than P.M. Dawn, is described by Geoffrey as “the worst man left in the world.”

Really? He’s the worst?

Did Dick Cheney die?

Bijou Phillips is engaged to Danny Masterson (he’s the only person from That 70’s Show that didn’t become famous). In Bijou’s next movie, Made For Each Other, she plays the love interest of Chris Masterson (from Malcolm in the Middle). They have lots of sex scenes.

Chris and Danny are real-life brothers.

I can’t wait to see the ad campaign.

After Kristin Chenoweth won an Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress (for Pushing Daisies), she walked backstage and got a crippling migraine and had to lie down. Paramedics were called.

She’s fine now, although it still bothers her that Aaron Sorkin made her look like a weirdo Jesus Freak on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Oh no!

Kate Gosselin “broke down” during taping of the new talk show pilot she’s on when producers flashed a picture of her children on a TV screen. How will this affect the show that people are calling “The View for working moms”?

Well, it’s getting more free publicity…

Cindy Adams says that the Coen Brothers are remaking True Grit with Jeff Bridges in the John Wayne role.

She also says that Robert DeNiro and Spike Lee are teaming up for Alphaville — a new drama series about Alphabet City in the 80’s.

She also says something bitchy about Jessica Simpson: “I’m told Jessica Simpson is taking the Tony Romo breakup hard. Depressed, staying home, not having fun, not eating — which I guess is the only good thing.”

Meow!

Hiram Monserrate’s defense? “It was a freak accident.”

How can a defense be so offensive?

Some Hispanic skateboarders were using the “n” word at Toasties in Union Square (try the Popeye!) and DeMarcus Reed, 30, asked them to stop. So they beat him up.

We hope DeMarcus is OK and that those punks fall down some stairs.

Dan Rather is really fighting hard in his lawsuit against CBS. He just got approval to depose Sumner Redstone.

Will the world finally get closure on that thing about the National Guard and George W. Bush that no one remembers that well?

Stay alive long enough to see this through, Danny Boy!

Under the NYPD DAILY BLOTTER is a half-page ad for a wristwatch. It claims that the list price ($1,429) was slashed to $359 (but if you act now, it’s only $179!) and that it includes “8 REAL DIAMONDS!”

There’s a picture of the watch and a bunch of adjectives and selling points, but the most prominent thing is a white guy pointing a gun at my face (he is wearing the watch, though).

Are they trying to sell the watch to James Bond? Or just anyone with a gun?

Seriously, VH1. This is pretty awful. I don’t think I can make it all the way through.

Manuel Zelaya has returned to Honduras. He’s chilling at the Brazilian embassy in Tegucigalpa.

Curfews were instituted and ignored by Zelaya’s supporters.

This could get ugly.

For two months, Randy Joubert and Gary Nisbet delivered furniture together in Waldoboro, Maine, before realizing that they were brothers separated at birth.

Small world (though they’re both fat).

Brigitte Harris, 28, killed her father and cut off his penis.

What does such a woman do for a living?

Airport security guard, of course!

More ACORN bashing, a plea to NOT use Superfund money for the Gowanus, an editorial (as promised) urging Paterson to run for governor merely as a ‘fuck you’ to every Democrat who isn’t currently supporting him (classy!), and (my favorite) a tsk-tsking at the people who leaked charges against Bo Dietl (which the Post reported as fact a few days ago) — that’s right, the Post is telling the cops that they should do more research so that newspapers (that don;t do research) aren’t embarrassed when they report rumors as truth.

The editorial pages have more laughs than the comics page (I’m looking at you, Mallard Fillmore).

A full-page review of Dancing with the Stars (more specifically, Tom DeLay).

DeLay should be in prison. If you watch this show, you are not only rewarding ABC with better ratings, but ou’re also helping DeLay reinvent himself as someone (more) human.

Stop it.

Rage, starring Jude Law, Judi Dench, Eddie Izzard and others, is the first movie available in theaters (in the UK), on DVD (in the US) and on cellphones.

Wait. Seriously?

Yes. Babelgum has chopped it into 7 segments and they started rolling them out yesterday.

If I had to watch an entire movie on my cellphone? Over the course of a week?

Yeah… that’s an accurate title.

Stephanie Green has an article about how Jewish ladies loved Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

Go know.

Yanks lost, Boston lost (to Kansas City!) and Texas won, so we’re still one game away from a playoff berth (with 11 games left to play).

Also, Gary Sheffield thinks he’ll be playing baseball next year (really? for who?).

The channel BIO (buh?) has been sitting on footage for a few months but is finally ready to air it.

On October 3rd, an interview with David Carradine (for Celebrity Ghost Stories) will have him explaining that his wife’s ex-husband’s ghost visited him from a bedroom closet.

Other celebrities that will share stories that make them look crazy include Carrie Fisher, Scott Baio and Joan Rivers.

Well played, BIO.

Two-hour Hell’s Kitchen tonight?

Yes, please!

Anything but more Tool Academy!

Happy Tuesday, kids!


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