Archive for September 24th, 2009

Mindy Cohn: Secret Crack Whore?

24th September
2009
written by jed

We stayed home last night and it seemed to have done the trick, as Sicky LaRue is back at work today.

I thought I accidentally bought a newspaper from 1978, as John Travolta and Mackenzie Phillips are on the front page, but no. Mackenzie’s bombshell revelation from yesterday (“My 10-year affair with my own papa“) sits atop a scowling Barbarino (“JOHN’S AGONY“). I wonder which cast member from The Facts of Life or Alice will be the next blast from the past to wind up on the cover of the Post.

I keep looking for the Post’s “NOW WITH MORE SCHADENFREUDE!” sticker, but it must have fallen off.

Mackenzie has been relegated to pages 28-29, so I’ll talk about her later. Travolta’s on pages 4-5, but before I get into Travolta’s bombshell (and I don’t mean the hot wife he pretends to sleep with!), let’s discuss pages 2-3.

Page 2 is a full-page ad for tonight’s season premiere of CSI. Money well spent.

Page 3 is a one-two punch of Paterson stories. First there’s the story that claims that “Gov. Paterson has privately accused Attorney General Andrew Cuomo — his would-be replacement — of ‘wiring up’ President Obama’s unprecedented attempt to get him out of office next year.”

Oh, so Paterson said “wiring up”? Nope. “Paterson made the charge to several associates in recent days and ‘definitely believes Andrew Cuomo wired this up, set this whole thing in motion,’ said a well-known Democrat with strong Washington connections.”

Oh! No one said “wiring up” but “a well-known Democrat with strong Washington connections” (Ashton Kutcher? Is it Ashton Kutcher? I’m thinking it’s either Michael Stipe or Ashton Kutcher.) claims that Paterson said “Cuomo wired this up.”

“A second source, within the governor’s own administration, said ‘Paterson definitely blamed Andrew.’”

So… nothing from Paterson himself?

“While Paterson claimed through a spokesman that he never accused Cuomo of being behind the Obama attacks, he suggested just that during a public appearance in Syracuse. ‘A number of people connected to [Cuomo] certainly did that,’ said Paterson. ‘I’m sure it didn’t bother him.’”

Now, I don’t write for no fancy newsthingy, but how is accusing “people connected to Cuomo” the same thing as accusing Cuomo? How can you start with “Paterson accuses Cuomo of ‘wiring up’ the attacks against him” and wind up with “Paterson says Cuomo isn’t bothered by the fact that everyone around him is working to make him the next governor” and not laugh yourself into a coma?

But that’s the sidebar. The main article is about Mrs. Paterson’s anger at Obama.

“‘I never heard of a president asking a governor not to run, a sitting governor not to run, so I thought it was very unusual that this would be asked of David, and I don’t think this is right,’ she told The Post during a luncheon hosted by columnist Cindy Adams. ‘David is the first African-American governor in the state of New York and he’s being asked to get out of the race. It’s very unusual and it just seems very unfair.’”

Again, let me just interject and point out that the man wasn’t elected to the position and his constituents, with very few exceptions, think he’s doing an incredibly shitty job. Remember when the state senate refused to do any legislatin’? We needed a governor that had a spine. We needed a steamroller. We got Magoo. Good to see Cindy Adams is getting out of her house/crypt.

But I agree with Michelle (do all Black politicians marry Michelles?) Patersons comment that it seems unfair for Obama to ask her husband to “get out of the race.” In fact, I would say that Paterson has more of a legitimate connection to the race than Obama (who’s only half-Black). I think Paterson should drop out of the upcoming election, but remain Black.

Travolta’s in a Bahamian court, the “star witness” (see what they did there?) in the trial of two people accused of attempting to blackmail him. But the real story, the huge revelation was this admission:

“Yes, my son was autistic and he suffered from seizure disorder.”

After many years and many denials (it’s Kawasaki Syndrome! we play catch! I’M NOT GAY AND MY SON IS NOT AUTISTIC!!!), John Travolta admitted that Jett suffered from autism.

I wonder if John will be demoted in the Church of Scientology for believing in autism.

The Post describes the Russian billionaire who is in talks to buy a majority stake in the New Jersey Nets as a “purported purveyor of prostitutes.”

One might think that means he’s a pimp, but no. They mean that he once (allegedly) hired hookers for a party he was throwing.

But alliteration is more important than accuracy (duh!).

Excerpts from Victoria Gotti’s new book “start in the Sunday Post”?

When do they end?

Khadafy was introduced at the UN as “the king of kings of Africa.”

He demanded that the UN be moved to another hemisphere so he wouldn’t have jet lag, called Obama “my son” (oh yeah? then where’s his birth certificate?) and accused capitalists of manufacturing the swine flu in a military lab “for capitalist countries who will make vaccinations and make money.”

He was supposed to speak for 15 minutes. He spoke for 96.

And Andrea Peyser failed to arrest him (again).

My favorite line? “Jack Ruby, an Israeli, killed Lee Harvey Oswald. Why did this Israeli kill Harvey? The whole world should know that Kennedy wanted to investigate the actions of the Israeli nuclear reactor in Dimona.”

Shine on, you crazy mass murderer.

I think columnist Rich Lowry might have been molested by his social studies teacher.

How else to explain this opening salvo in today’s column (“Prez comes across as a gullible sap“): “President Obama yesterday did his best impression of a high-school sophomore participating in his first Model UN meeting, retailing pious cliches he learned from his pony-tailed social studies teacher.”

Also, I had no idea that someone could retail a cliche. I may have just found a new source of income!

Gordon Brown made five separate requests to meet with Obama at the UN yesterday or the G20 summit today. All five were turned down.

That’s what happens when you free a terrorist from jail to show him compassion, you dumb-ass.

Hey, Rosie! Kirsten Dunst is due in court today — throw on some shades and head to Centre Street! You’ll be paparazzied in no time! You can even scream hateful things and they’ll wind up being attributed to Dunst! Woo-hoo!

And now, a word from our sponsors. (thanks, Drew!)

A 6-year-old girl on a pink scooter (awwww) was hit by an SUV on the Upper East Side yesterday. Luckily, it happened near Global Pediatrics. Five doctors rushed out and immediately attended to the girl’s injuries. She was then taken to NYU Medical Center where she is listed in stable condition.

Her parents are incredibly relieved and will be until they get the bill.

I call bullshit, Page Six (today on page 14).

According to “a source,” Jennifer Aniston delayed filming and wouldn’t come out of her trailer to shoot a scene  (for the upcoming The Bounty) because “this scene reminds me of Brad and me.”

I have a sneaking suspicion that, even if she truly felt that way, she’d never say it out loud (for fear that “a source” might share it with Page Six).

I know I’ve said it before, but this new “featured columnist page” is ugly. The photo of Andrea Peyser doesn’t help, either.

Today, Peyser has three stories (and none are about her continued quest to bring Khadafy to justice! hurry! he’s leaving soon!). The first one discusses “‘Working mother’ Michelle’s ID crisis” (see, Mrs. Obama told a conference of “Corporate Voices for Working Families” — in January — that she was “blessed” by having a chief-of-staff and personal assistant at her disposal. “‘Everyone should have a chief-of-staff and a set of personal assistants,’ she enthused.” But NOW she’s appealing to mothers, claiming that they’re in charge of their family’s health and that they’re “crushed by the current structure of our health care.”).

I should also point out that Peyser points out that when Michelle was recently discussing health care, she was “wearing a wide, dominatrix-style belt.”

Well, Michelle? Which is it? Do you think there’s a problem with health care? Or did you make a joke about everyone getting personal assistants nine months ago?

Next up is a warning to Karla Giraldo (girlfriend [?] of Hiram Monserrate) to “forget the trial. Pay attention to the case down the hall. This could be your future.” Which case is she referring to? The People vs. Brigitte Harris (she cut off her father’s penis for repeatedly raping her and wound up killing him).

OK, Karla? Do you understand? Your future may be getting raped by your father and then killing him. Oh, but first you’ll tart working at an airport.

But the piece de resistance is “‘Homeless’ doll costs $95 (hairstyling extra)” which blows the lid off of the makers of American Girl dolls’ attempt to indoctrinate children. Ready?

“Little children as young as 4 are addicted to these pricey little monsters. It’s like middle-American crack. You have an African-American doll, an American Indian doll. A Jewish one. A doll who ‘lived’ during the Great Depression, and one from the Roaring ’20s. And while you were snoozing, the creators of American Girl, which is sold by Mattel, got bold. They engaged in all-out political indoctrination.”

What is the unforgivable crime that is being perpetrated against the children of this nation? The new doll, Gwen, is homeless. Her backstory is that her mother lost her job and the two of them sleep in a car. What does Andrea think this teaches children?

“For starters, men are bad. Fathers abandon women without cause. She’s also telling me that women are helpless. And that children in this great country, where dolls sell for nearly 100 bucks a pop, are allowed to sleep in motor vehicles. But mothers don’t lose custody over this injustice. Because, you see, they are victims, too.”

Um, Andrea? It’s a doll. The scary Black POTUS isn’t trying to brainwash your kids and neither is the expensive doll. Are you actually complaining that the backstory didn’t also say that the father had a good reason for abandoning his family? That it didn’t make it clear that NO women in the U.S. are helpless? That NO children sleep in cars every night? That NO mother has ever lost custody of their child because, you see, they are victims, too?

“Barbie, the feminists long complained, gave girls body issues. But she never attempted to politically indoctrinate me.”

Andrea Peyser, ladies and gentlemen.

Cindy Adams says that Secretariat will start filming with John Malkovich as the horse’s trainer and Diane Lane as the horse’s owner. Might I suggest Sarah Jessica Parker for the titular lead?

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that Karla Giraldo needed 20 stitches on her face after Hiram Monserrate slashed it with glass? I must have gotten that from this shitty paper. No, it was actually “30 to 40.” And she’s scarred for life.

This should be a “Love is…” strip.

Plaxico Burress got to Riker’s Island yesterday and was greeted with cheers…

… of “asshole!” and “the Giants suck!”

So he’s in “voluntary protective custody.” His inmate number, should you want to visit or send him white wine, is 09-R-3260.

Also, here’s some advice for the inmates: Plaxico isn’t a NY Giant anymore. If you want to really hurt his feelings, point out that he shot himself in the leg so he wouldn’t drop his glass of wine. That should do it.

And here’s Mackenzie.

“Your father is supposed to protect you. Not fuck you,” writes the former TV star in her new book. She goes on to say that her father wanted to run away with her to Fiji where they could be married and live together.

Her book is #13 on Amazon.com (thanks, Oprah!).

Her stepmother, Michelle Phillips, claims that Mackenzie is lying. “She told me [about the rape], then she called me back and said, ‘You know I’m joking.’ I said it wasn’t funny.”

“Someone needs to put a face on consensual incest,” Mackenzie told Oprah.

You just did, lady. Congratulations on the book.

Upchuck Danglybits (sorry, Ralph Peters) reveals “The Rules Murdering Our Troops” in Afghanistan. His latest book, The War After Armageddon, is written entirely in crayon. Red crayon.

The bonus pool at Goldman Sachs i expected to grow to $16,000,000,000 at the end of this quarter.

That’s just $6,000,000,000 more than they borrowed from the government!

See, everyone? Capitalism works! For everything!

No Yankee game tonight (Boston faces KC again, Texas faces Oakland), but we face Boston Friday-Sunday. Our Magic Number (for the AL East) is 5. A sweep would do that. If Texas gets its shit together, they could also gain mad ground in the Wild Card race.

We’ll see…

And for the record? We won 2 out of 3 in Anaheim, which is the first time in five years that we won a series there.

Congrats, Yanks!

The CW has announced another reality show that no one could possibly enjoy watching.

Fly Girls will follow five Virgin Airways stewardesses in their “high-flying careers filled with exotic locations and handsome strangers.”

I can just imagine the poor passengers who had to deal with film crews on their already cramped flights to wherever in Virgin’s discomfort tubes.

That’ll do it for today. Tomorrow is Friday and after that… WEEKEND!

Stay classy.

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