NEW BOOK EXCLUSIVE

LIFE AS A GOTTI

Victoria reveals: The night my mom stabbed the Godfather

The entire front page, plus all of pages 8, 9, and 10.

And this is just the first day of excerpts! We’re only 25% finished! Oh, boy!

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Fidel Castro has fathered at least 10 love children with six different women.

It’s good to be the dictator.

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There’s a $0.99 application for the iPhone that allows you to type out a personal prayer and send it to a rabbi in Jerusalem who prints it out and stuffs it in the Wailing Wall for you.

You can also send a prayer to a rabbi in Cambria Heights, Queens, and he’ll print out and deliver your prayer to the grave of Rabbi Menachem Schneerson.

Why ask something of God during times of deep, humble meditation when for just 99 cents you can (i)phone it in?

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Nice big full-color photo of US Postal Service mail carrier Keith Goode. He’s on the job, sitting on a stoop, sleeping.

The Post calls the photo “recent” and then, 3 paragraphs later, says this happened in July.

Between Gotti on the cover and this story taking up most of page 3, I get the feeling that this is going to be a slow news day.

P.S. – Keith’s excuse? He ate a “big sandwich” and he needed to “rest” because he “wasn’t feeling well.”

It wasn’t rain, sleet, wind or hail. It was a sammich.

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Page 5 has two pieces on the World Trade Center. The tiny one in the bottom corner (“Tribute in Light due to dim out”) explains that there is no funding in place for the annual 9/11 memorial, so next year might be the firt without one.

The EXCLUSIVE rest-of-the-page piece is “NYPD STALLING WTC.”

Apparently, cops are unfairly cracking down on the construction site, “harass[ing] their mixing trucks with inspections that take so long, the concrete starts to harden and can’t be used.” They say it’s Ray Kelly enacting revenge on the Port Authority (they have their own police force which Kelly doesn’t like).

A lot of people should be very proud of themselves. Whoever is in the right here (if such a person exists) should still feel crushing guilt that, at the end of the day, there are still unrecovered remains of murdered Americans underneath their feet and they aren’t doing enough to refill what Bill Maher calls the Freedom Pit.

Continue to stand for it, New York!

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Manhattan Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney’s husband, Clifton died on top of Cho Oyu (a mountain on the Tibet-Nepal border). He was 71. His last words (according to a congressional aide with him at the time) were, “I’m the happiest man in the world. I’ve just summited a beautiful mountain.”

Our deepest condolensces to Carolyn and her family.

Also, 71-year-olds probably should climb 23,000-foot mountains in the freezing cold.

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And here are the three full pages of Gotti Family Secrets! Victoria’s mother threw a fork at John Gotti! He needed stitches! And… um… holy shit. The writing is comically bad. Not only is there no real dirt (“MOM STABBED MY FATHER” is the two-page banner headline only because “MOM THREW A FORK AND IT BROKE THE SKIN OF MY FATHER” wasn’t as catchy), but the stories are told by an idiot (signifying nothing).

“But on the streets, where it mattered most, word soon spread that John Gotti had officially earned his ‘bonus’ — a term used when a man became a wiseguy or goodfella.”

“TOMORROW: The killing of John Gotti’s son”? Oh, boy! How can Victoria make that exciting title boring?

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Michael Goodwin has some advice for New Yorkers:

“Tuesday is the city’s Democratic primary run-offs for comptroller and public advocate. Here’s my general principle for these situations: When you see a candidate backed by the Working Families Party, think ACORN. Then vote for the other guy.”

Gee, I had no idea they made paintbrushes that big (that’s a “broad stroke” reference).

Here’s my advice for New Yorkers:

When you see a column written by Michael Goodwin, think Puckering Asshole. Then read something else.

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Director Paul Morrissey was a guest on The O Show, which is a radio show broadcast from a basement on the Shepherd University campus in West Virginia. The host, Olivia Maxwell, asked him about movies.

“One of the best recent comedies I have seen is Hollywood Homicide with Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett. But, for the most part, movies today are not as good as they were in the past, like the ones you can catch on Turner Classic Movies.”

So that’s whatever happened to Paul Morrissey.

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Cindy Adams (“UN clowns can’t spoil MY town”) jumps on the Post’s “let’s all shit on the UN” bandwagon and the result is fairly off-putting.

Get in the box, Cindy. Please.

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Did you know that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have the same birthday? It’s true! He was born on September 25th, 1944, and she was born twenty-five years later.

And he doesn’t look a day over rapidly decomposing!

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Tufts University has enacted a new law: Students can’t have sex in their dorm room if their roommate is present.

I had no idea this was such a big problem at Tufts.

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According to Maureen Callahan, Andrew Cuomo has a real temper problem and he takes it out on his co-workers. Yawn.

But in all fairness, Maureen’s way-too-long piece does include plenty of people telling her that she’s wrong about Cuomo.

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Not satisfied with Kyle Smith’s hatchet-job review of Michael Moore’s new movie? Well, Kyle has a full page of fresh insults.

He tells the tale of how he tried to get Moore to admit that he used a Bolshevik anthem in his movie. Moore explained that it was a song from 19th century France. Smith points out that the author was a communist and repeatedly tries to get Moore to agree that communism is worse than capitalism.

“Moore got testy and said, ‘I’m not going to answer that. That’s bullshit. It’s not about capitalism vs. communism. It’s about democracy vs. greed,’ or words to that effect.”

Then Kyle’s mike was turned off and he was asked to leave.

“The last words I got in before I was hustled away were, ‘But Mr. Moore, I’m only doing the same thing to you that you did to all those GM execs.’ Moore replied with hot sarcasm, ‘Oh, yeah. It’s JUST the same,’ but did not explain how I was different from him.”

This is coming from the asshole who goes on to say that “[Moore's] previous movie was as enraptured with Fidel Castro than Shakespeare In Love was with Gwyneth Paltrow.” (I think he meant “Castro as Shakespeare…” but let’s let his sloppy prose remain as is.)

The snippet of text that’s blown up is “The crowd rattled their jewelry with delight, only because they know Moore lacks the power to get his ideas taken seriously.”

Michael Moore has plenty of shortcomings. He shoots himself in the foot in every movie he’s ever made. But if you watched Sicko and walked away thinking it was nothing more than a love letter to Fidel Castro, then you have a concussion and need to get to a hospital immediately.

Kyle Smith is a hypocritical putz.

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Geraldo Rivera will be the master of ceremonies for the 2009 DogCatemy Celebrity Gala.

His fan must be so proud.

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Every Sunday a famous person is asked to point out their favorite NYC spots to eat/shop/visit. Today they asked Cindy Adams (?). Will she be as ridiculous sounding here?

“[Angus McIndoe has] hamburgers, and I often order a hamburger. The last time I was there I was there with Val Kilmer. I get mine medium-rare, no cheese, lots of ketchup — so that it runs down my face.”

A-yup. B’also? She’s doing a one-woman show in her penthouse to benefit the ASPCA. If you really hate me, you’ll get me tickets.

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Sara Lieberman discusses how everybody loves Drew Barrymore (“LOVE, LOVE ME DREW”) because she’s so… real.

“I mean, Justin Long? The Apple guy? He’s as non-Hollywood as they come. Drew got that — and went for it.”

Um, Sara? Click here. Justin Long is not as non-Hollywood as they come. Eric Lindberg is as non-Hollywood as they come.

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Oh, boy! If you buy the Blu-Ray version of The Wizard of Oz 70th Anniversary Ultimate Collector’s Edition, you’ll be able to see “zits on Dorothy’s face!”

FINALLY!!!!

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Andy Pettitte will take the mound in an hour and a half. If New York beats Boston (making it a clean sweep), then we will have locked up the AL East pennant. And it will be our 100th win of the year.

So. Excited.

Remember when we lost our first 8 games against Boston this year? Me neither.

But if we win today, we’d even out at 9-9.

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Oh, also? Roman Polanski has been arrested by Swiss police on that pesky U.S. warrant he’s been avoiding for 31 years.

Happy Sunday!