Archive for September 28th, 2009

Did I mention we won the AL East?

28th September
2009
written by jed

A tiny sidebar about the Yankees clinching the AL East is nestled cozily next to a legitimate (and therefore much bigger) news story (“‘DWI’ COP HORROR”) with both overshadowed by today’s “GOTTI BOOK EXCLUSIVE” which will cover “Don’s anguish at son’s traffic death — and the driver who ‘vanished.’”

I can’t wait.

Page 2 is a perfect example of just how awful this newspaper is.

For many many days, the Post has been citing “sources” and relating how Obama is telling Paterson not to run for re-election. I kept asking, “is this still hearsay or do we have official confirmation from the White House?” Unfortunately, I write this alone so no one answered me. Today, I got my answer.

Two-thirds of the page is devoted to Fredric U. Dicker’s EXCLUSIVE (“‘Dead meat’ Dave will quit early: Dem“), in which the author continues to share inside info from “one of the state’s most prominent Democrats.” It’s like reading Page Six (today on page 12) when they ask “which famous actor is having marriage problems because his leading lady found him with child pornography?” and everyone tries to figure out who it could be! That’s what good journalism does, people!

Anyway, Mr. Prominent Democrat (“who has frequent contact with the governor”) expects Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch will succeed Paterson (“perhaps as soon as early spring”) when he leaves his post “for a higher-paying job with a brighter future” (“said the Democrat, who has ties to the White House”).

Dicker goes on to say, “Things look so grim for Paterson that high-level Democrats were using such words as ‘finished,’ ‘dead meat,’ and ‘not among the political living’ to describe the governor by week’s end. Some close to Paterson insisted the governor was ‘in denial,’ to use the words of one, and his bizarre claim yesterday on Meet the Press that the president hadn’t told him to get out appeared to bear that out.”

So, Paterson is in denial because he said that Obama hadn’t told him not to run again, which contradicts the last week of “exclusives” citing “prominent Democrats” (Al Sharpton is a Democrat and very prominent — was it him?). But in order to fully appreciate how ludicrous this is, you’ll have to crane your neck downward for the companion article, “Gov: It’s up to voters, not O.”

“A beleaguered Gov. Paterson defied President Obama on national TV yesterday, insisting that New Yorkers ‘are the ones who should choose their governor. I’m blind, but I’m not oblivious. I realize that there are people that don’t want me to run, but I have never gotten an explicit indication authorized from the White House that I shouldn’t run.’”

Look at the headline again. Now re-read the quotes.

“‘Let’s be very clear about what has happened. The president’s team and others speaking on their behalf said to you, you should not run?’ [David] Gregory asked. ‘I can’t say that, David,’ Paterson responded.”

So, Paterson defied Obama by saying that Obama never told him not to run.

I have to keep telling myself I buy the Post for the SuDoku.

Another EXCLUSIVE!

Lt. Jemal Doute was the head of the NYPD Internal Affairs Bureau’s Vehicle Placard Unit. His job is to decide which officers were eligible for the parking placards that allow you to park wherever you please. Bloomberg ordered a huge reduction in the number of placards (from 150,000 to 50,000), and Doute only issued 43,000 since May 2008, which made lots of fellow cops mad.

Turns out his girlfriend had a placard in her car.

Guess who’s not in charge of the NYPD IAB’s VPU anymore.

(memo to self: pitch Law & Order: VPU to NBC)

Simon Cowell is getting over $100,000,000 to bring his British show X Factor to the U.S.

X Factor is a show that’s like American Idol except… um… yeah, it’s American Idol.

Cowell won’t be a judge on the new show (what do you expect — they’re only paying him $100,000,000!), but Paula Abdul might!

I wonder what they’ll offer her salary-wise…

(hint: it will be less than they offered her to come back to AI)

William Safire has died.

I’m sure he and Irving Kristol will have a lot to talk about.

(see what I did there?)


And here’s the cover story (the non-Gotti, non-Yankees one). “BOOZY COP IN KILLER SMASH” tells the story of Officer Andrew Kelly, 30, who was profoundly drunk when he plowed his Jeep into a woman in Brooklyn. The woman was laying on the ground, dying, when Kelly’s car’s passengers (including fellow off-duty officer Michael Downs and “at least two others connected in some way to the NYPD”) fled the scene.

Kelly, to his drunken credit, stayed to help the victim. But he refused to take a Breathalyzer test (so the cops got a warrant and drew his blood). Kelly is charged with DWI and vehicular manslaughter. He is also suspended without pay.

Kelly’s attorney admits that there was alcohol in the car but “it may not have belonged to the defendant.” And, despite the prosecutor’s assertion that “the sergeant on the scene described [Kelly] as having red, watery, [sic] eyes, slurred speech and the smell of alcohol on his breath,” Kelly’s attorney countered that Kelly’s blood-test results weren’t entered into evidence “because they would be favorable to him.”

Oh, and that bad weather conditions might be the real culprit.

Officer Downs (whose slogan on Facebook is “DRINK UP LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!” and who cites as his favorite music “any music that makes me drink. Lol.”) claims he didn’t flee, rather he was told to go to his precinct by “an investigator at the scene.”

Downs is also suspended. Hopefully they will both spend the rest of their lives in a cement box, being traded for cigarettes. Lol.

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi took time out from having sex with teenagers to make a joke about how the Obamas are “tan.”


“You won’t believe it but two of them went to the beach because the wife is also tanned.”

Get it?

Me neither.


If the girl that Roman Polanski raped doesn’t want him to go to jail, then why did the L.A. DA go through all of this trouble to bring him back to the states? Apparently this was their seventh attempt over the years to arrest him at a foreign film festival.

What’s the statute of limitations on this? Anyone?

French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand declared, “I think this is awful and totally unjust. Just as there is an America which is generous and which we like, so there is an America which is frightening, and that is the America which has just revealed its face.”

But I think he might have been confusing us with South America.

Andrea Peyser’s “Mackenzie plays Papa incest for a payday” is a good indicator of how detestable this woman is (Andrea, not Mackenzie).

“When it comes to confessional literature, incest is the new black. I suppose cannibalism is next. Scratch that. It’s been done.”

Andrea goes on to point out that John Phillips is “conveniently dead” and laments that “Like Mackenzie, Kathryn [Harrison, author of The Kiss -- which detailed her affair with her father] was herself a mother as she pulled this sordid story from the crypt, sentencing the kid to decades of therapy. How I wish these dames would find day jobs.”

No mention of the folks that corroborate Mackenzie’s story. Just accusations of daring to write personal things for profit. From the shrill, ugly Post columnist who filters everything she writes through the prism of her (shrill, ugly) personal opinions. Who remains inconveniently alive.

Iran claims it successfully test-fired two missiles yesterday.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that economic and diplomatic sanctions have a better chance of working against Iran than military strikes.

What a fag!

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs remained #1, so the #2 movie (The Surrogates) will be next.

Thank God Fame came in third.

(shudder)

Larry King’s contract with CNN is up in 18 months (though his contract with Earth expired 12 years ago). Ryan Seacrest is CNN’s #1 choice to replace him.

I have a great idea! Give the gig to Cindy Adams! She can do that every day instead of wordfarting all over my paper!

Elvis Mitchell (former New York Times movie reviewer) has tax liens against him for over $500,000 according to the Detroit News. You might remember the last time Elvis had money problems — he was stopped at the Canadian border with $12,000 in cash and 15 Cuban cigars. He declared $80. When confronted with the evidence, he said, “I have a fear of banks, so I keep cash in my house and I grabbed the wrong box… Apparently a Black man with dreads can’t carry that much cash, but I think there are a few worse things to be embarrassed about.”

You mean like playing the race card to try and get out of a blatant lie?

Today’s two-page excerpt of Victoria Gotti’s “book” is supposed to tell us the secret of the driver who vanished, right? Well, here it is.

Are you sitting down?

“I heard one of the officers tell my father that Favara was missing. I heard my father say, ‘Really?’ There was another minute of conversation, and then Dad said, ‘I wish I could help you gentlemen, but I’m sorry. I know nothing about this.’”

Riveting.

TOMORROW: The monster my father begged me not to marry

I can’t wait!

Is the humpback whale being taken off the endangered species list?!?

If so, is high fructose corn syrup to blame?

I think South Carolina just wants the attention.

Dean Allen is campaigning to be the head of the state’s National Guard.

So he held a fund-raiser at a shooting range.

Entry was $25, but that got you a barbecue, a clip of bullets and a raffle ticket (grand prize: an AK-47).

Guess which party Dean Allen belongs to. I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with Bedublican.

More UN hate in the mailbag. Nothing worth repeating (again), though.


Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays Iago in a new production of Othello. Elisabeth Vincentelli gives it half a star.


Because she’s racist.

There’s still a very very miniscule chance that Texas could grab the Wild Card slot in the playoffs. But Boston would have to choke HARD for that to happen.

Stay tuned…

The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton is tonight’s guest host of WWE Raw.

I will give $5 to anyone that hits him with a folding chair.

The New York Giants are off to a fairly auspicious start (3-0).

Keep up the good work, team I used to love until they priced my family out of our season tickets!

Jenny Slate accidentally said “fuckin’” on SNL.

When Charles Rocket did it in 1981, he was fired and his career was so irrevocably damaged by it, he wound up killing himself in 2005.

$20 says Jenny Slate will be on next week. And the following week.

For the times, they are a-changin’.

(blows into harmonica)

Okay, House. Your season premiere was alternately amazing and unwatchable.

Please remind us why we love you. Please.

And to everyone who plans on watching Tom DeLay on Dancing with the Stars, shame on you.

Asta la manana!

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