Archive for September 30th, 2009

(if you don’t care about comic books/cartoons, move along — nothing to see here)

(also, I apologize for the MTV promo that precedes the actual thing I intended to post)

Daddy. Like.

First, here are a few things from yesterday that I felt deserved your attention.

* I loved the story of the Morrisville State College field hockey team’s drive down the Thruway. One of the team members thought it would be funny to put duct tape over her mouth and show passing motorists a sign that read “Help I’ve been kidnapped” — state troopers pulled the van over and charged the 23-year-old with disorderly conduct (and being in college at 23).

* OK! Magazine and E! paid ungodly sums of money for Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s recent wedding. It was a rushed affair because E! wanted to include the footage in (at least) one of the (horrible) shows that feature the (horrible) Kardashian family. Except the bride and groom didn’t have time to hammer out a pre-nup (Lamar insisted), so the wedding that took place was merely for show. They aren’t married yet. But if you want to buy photos of their not-a-wedding, pick up OK! OK? OK!

* Cindy Adams stole my bit about all first ladies being named Michelle, but balked at the “Black” qualifier. She also refers to “last week’s exclusives” about “the White House looking to muscle [David Paterson] out of the State House” but not the non-exclusives of Paterson denying that.

* Sarah Palin finished “writing” her “book” titled Going Rogue: An American Life. I was hoping she’d call it (The) You Betcha Life. It’ll be available on November 17th wherever ghostwritten whitewash is sold.

* Lucy Vodden (the inspiration for The Beatles’ Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds) passed away at the age of 46. In a hospital. With her husband. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

* Al Qaeda’s deputy leader called Obama a fraud. Which means that if you’re against Obama, you’re with the terrorists. Wrap your head around that one, truckers.

* Victoria Gotti manages to make a story about her husband driving his car into the front of a restaurant (she was there with friends) boring.

* 90% of Australia’s koala bears have chlamydia. Paul Hogan has no comment.

* This was my favorite — Hurl John Thomases (sorry, Ralph Peters) truly outdid himself while discussing the recent German elections (“Germany Takes a Right Turn”): “This election extends the Euro-trend toward common-sense conservatism that began with the election of President Nicolas Sarkozy, France’s most pro-American president ever. If the trend continues, we may even get a pro-American president in Washington.” So, we should be more like Europe (especially France!) and Obama hates America. Ralph Peters is a phenomenal douchebag.

There was more, but enough of the past. Prepare yourselves for… the present!

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Uh-oh. According to the EXCLUSIVE front page story “COP ‘DWI PLOT’” police are now investigating whether or not the cop that drove drunk and killed an innocent woman was given gum and water by the first cops on the scene.

What I find more despicable, though, is that he refused a Breathalyzer test, so the cops had to get a court order and draw blood — over seven hours after the incident. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said that waiting over seven hours is “not that unusual” because of the slow and arduous process of obtaining a court order. Which that cop was banking on.

Hopefully, many scumbags will lose their jobs over this incident (if not their freedom).

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The Gotti Exclusive (last one! we did it!) is “The night the mob made my little brother” which makes me laugh (because I am a child and when children say “make” it means something completely different).

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And the last piece on the front page is “Free Roman! H’wood stars (including Woody!) rip bust as perversion of justice” (“Hello, Woody? It’s Roman. Listen… could you please not speak out on my behalf? I know you mean well, but, well, you kind of skeeve me out.”).

I was going to explain why this is ridiculous, but Kate Harding does a better job of it on salon.com (click here).

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The cops and the construction workers are still bickering at Ground Zero, but the cement truck drivers have figured out a way to avoid the cops: They pour the cement at night (while the cops are out drinking)!

“But you cannot see as well without natural light. When you pour in the evening, the work isn’t as good,” says an engineer at the site.

Outstanding! You hear that, families of the victims of 9/11? Since the cops and the hardhats can’t get past their petty grievances, the new WTC will be shoddily constructed! Yay!

(waves miniature American flag)

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The Working Families Party is the new ACORN.

I know little to nothing about them (except that one of the internet’s biggest assholes repeatedly insisted that people should support them), but after years of watching this paper consistently insult things I do believe in, I’m inclined to disagree with the Post on principle.

And as for voting… the polling site at 111 Centre Street had one person come in to vote. Just the one.

(waves miniature American flag)

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This breaks my heart.

Chuck Knoblauch, who played second base for the Yankees from 1998-2001, has been charged with assaulting his common-law wife. Police say he was drunk and popping Xanax the night it happened. His common-law wife claims he punched her in the face and choked her. They have a 5-year-old son.

He’s also one of the players implicated in the Mitchell Report — he’s even acknowledged that he used performance enhancers during his 11-year career.

Why can’t everybody be like Derek Jeter?

No — why can’t everybody be Derek Jeter?

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Qaeda ‘ass’assin

‘Butt bomb’ tactic spooks anal-ysts

This is the story of Abdullah Asieri, who shoved a pound of explosives and a detonator up his ass and tried to kill a member of the Saudi royal family. He wound up blowing himself up and slightly wounding his target.

Which makes me wonder why this tactic “spooks” anyone. In fact, if I were the U.S. government, I’d encourage every al Qaeda operative to do this.

Oh, I see. It’s because the guy made it through multiple searches and metal detectors without anyone finding his explosive butt plug.

Well, I still think it’s a funny story. Partially because the terrorist put a bomb up his ass, partially because he ultimately killed only himself and partially because I don’t care about the Saudi royal family.

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Michael Goodwin’s back!

He criticizes Obama for not helping Bill Thompson more with his mayoral campaign (while simultaneously admonishing him for doing too much in Paterson’s gubernatorial campaign!), makes fun of the Mets, skewers Democrat Adolphus Towns (I actually agree with him on that one[!]), and declares “Obama enabling a nuclear Iran.“

You’ve still got it, Mike!

And by “it” I mean “no solutions, just fearmongering criticisms.”

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Dan Rather’s $70,000,000 lawsuit against CBS has been dismissed by a state appeals court.

He plans on asking the New York Court of Appeals to review the decision.

But it looks like it’s all over. Sorry, Dan.

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Full page ad for H & M.

A model (posing in fancy clothes while staring vapidly at the reader) is partially covered by a large banner reading “SALE FROM $5.00!*”

The very small fine print at the bottom of the page reads “*Items shown not included in offer.”

Well played, H and also M.

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Sarah Palin got a $7,000,000 advance to “write” a 400-page “book” that will most assuredly become late 2009 and early 2010’s #1 gag gift. She also signed with the Washington Speakers Bureau (they schedule speaking gigs for everyone from George W. Bush [ha!] to David Blaine [huh?]). The WSB is asking $100,000 for every “speech” Palin delivers, but an “industry expert” says they aren’t getting any takers. “The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot. Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups — unless they are interested in moose hunting. What does she have to say? She can’t even describes what she reads.”

You. Betcha.

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Page Six (today on page 14) reports that Tori Spelling was rushed to the hospital (twice in two days!) with “severe abdominal pain.”

Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

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Vincent Pizzonia, 17, was building a pipe bomb when it blew up and severely injured his hand. He insists that he was going to detonate it in his back yard, but police found numerous photos of the Columbine High School massacre on his bedroom walls.

Next time, shove it up your ass, Vinnie!

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Fun facts gleaned from Victoria Gotti’s (LAST!) book excerpt: John Gotti once hung out with Marlon Brando! John Gotti was friends with Leona Helmsley! John Gotti hated Frank Sinatra and never went to a single music concert (he called them “too loud” and “breeding grounds for trouble”)! John Gotti had a low opinion of professional baseball players! Victoria Gotti is a terrible writer (and human being)!

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The toxicology reports are back in the death of DJ AM. Are you sitting down?

Cocaine? Check.

OxyContin? Check.

Hydrocodone? Check.

Xanax? Check.

Ativan? Check.

Klonopin? Check.

Benadryl? Check.

Levamisole? Check.

Why Benadryl is on the list, I can’t say. But I can say that MTV’s assertion that it “still hasn’t made a final decision” about airing his reality show Gone Too Far (which is geared towards helping addicts kick their habits) is a lie. They’ll come up with a press release explaining that his death proves just how important this show is to people like him blah blah blah.

Beats playing music videos, I guess.

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And here’s the article on Polanski’s famous defenders. Get ready to be depressed. Ready?

Martin Scorsese, Jonathan Demme, Salman Rushdie, David Lynch, Michael Mann, Woody Allen, Darren Aronofsky, Terry Gilliam, Monica Bellucci, Harvey Weinstein, Mike Nichols, Tilda Swinton, and Diane von Furstenberg.

One could argue that maybe these people don’t know all the facts in the case, which is why they’re defending a guy who sodomized a 13-year-old as she begged him to stop. But Whoopi Goldberg’s shameful performance on yesterday’s episode of The View is magical, if only because I found myself taking sides WITH Sherri. You can watch it (and some pretty great Polanski myth debunking) here.

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Samoa and American Samoa were hit pretty hard by an earthquake in the Pacific Ocean, which created gigantic tsunami waves. The waves flooded (and in some cases, flattened) villages and are responsible for (at least) dozens of casualties.

Thankfully, no other Girl Scout cookies were harmed.

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The health care “debate” in this country is infuriating and, in far too many cases, intentionally confusing.

I can’t put into words how disappointed I am in not just many elected officials, but in some of their constituents.

I hate what my country has become.

Civil War 2: Watering the Tree of Liberty now has a street date of July 2010.

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Michelle Malkin has the audacity to write a column on how Obama stumping for the Olympics to come to Chicago in 2016 is “political payback” and the worst kind of cronyism.

I can’t seem to find her scathing jeremiads against the cronyism of the Bush White House, but that’s probably because they don’t exist.

Must be a slow news week, huh, you facially-disfigured harpy.

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Starbucks, you so crazy.

They’re releasing a new instant coffee to the marketplace called Via.

It prices out to about $1.00 per cup.

Now, you won’t have to leave your house to be wildly overcharged for mediocre coffee!

Own Starbucks stock? Sell it. Now.

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Boston has lost their last 5 games, but Texas has lost their last 3. So the Red Sox didn’t make the playoffs — Texas just out-shittied them.

The Yanks won again last night, bringing their record to 102-56. That’s .646 (both L.A. teams are tied for second with .592).

Save some for the playoffs, boys!

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Linda Stasi gives Kelsey Grammer’s new sitcom Hank “Absolutely No Stars.” She also calls Community a “Miss” along with The Jay Leno Show. But she loves Patricia Heaton’s new sitcom, The Middle. I love Neil Flynn, but I despise Heaton (somewhat as a performer, but entirely as a human being). I find it funny that she neglects to mention that Chris Kattan isn’t mentioned anywhere in her review (she may have forgotten who he is, along with the rest of America).

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Heather Mills will appear on Britain’s Dancing on Ice, which is funny because she only has one leg.

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Jim Caviezel and Ian McKellen star in AMC’s remake of The Prisoner.

What a horrible idea!

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TLC has fired Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8. The show will be called Kate Plus 8 starting November 2nd.

He’ll still appear on the show “on a less regular basis” (he’s still under contract with TLC), but the network has plans to create a new show for Kate once this awful show is taken behind the shed and shot (metaphorically speaking).

Don’t look at me — I’ve never watched any of these “look at all the things that came out of my vagina!” shows.

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Lamar Odom insists that his wedding to Khloe Kardashian was “real.”

Well, as real as a wedding can be after just six weeks of dating.

I say they get divorced by May 2010 and E! winds up in court because they forced the marriage to happen before Odom got his pre-nup together.

Prove me wrong, big dumb guy and skanky dimwit. Prove me wrong.

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And that’s that. See you tomorrow.