Archive for September, 2009
Today’s Post…
…but first, alcoholic vervet monkeys!
Why can’t drunken humans be this adorable (to others)?
Today’s headline reinforces the feeling I sometimes get that, despite reading this horrible paper every day, there are huge chunks of the story that I’m missing (and I’m not referring to “the left-wing side”).
TENT FLAP
Khadafy booted from Camp Trump
Apparently, Moammar Khadafy was setting up a giant tent on the Westchester property of Donald Trump (in Bedford) until local officials made him stop (not because he’s a mass murderer — he didn’t have a building permit! yay, bureaucracy!).
Trump’s spokeswoman, Rona Graff, made a p.r. boner/gaffe (Russell Simmons’ Def Poetry Jam was cancelled before I got my time to shine, yo). When asked if the story was true, she insisted, “There is no truth to this story. I’m not even going to engage in a dialogue on this.” She later amended her remarks, saying that it was “possible” because they have many Middle Eastern partners who may or may not have rented it and then given it to Khadafy.
Which reminds me of that great Jeff Foxworthy joke: “If you lease properties to one of your various Middle Eastern business partners who may or may not turn around and lend those properties to someone who ordered the murder of numerous American citizens years ago… you might be a terrorist.” He makes great beef jerky, too.
Andrea Peyser, holding what appears to be the purse of a clown, is photographed chatting with the security guard at the Libyan Mission yesterday (for today’s column, “Busting thug’s a dirty job — and that’s why I gotta do it”).
She decided that it was her “civic, moral and aesthetic duty to confront” Khadafy. But not just confront. “I was determined to make a citizen’s arrest.”
She calls the security guard an “officious jackass” which would be accurate if officious meant the opposite of its current definition. I would even go so far as to say that, as a loud gum-snapping American with a giant handbag (with an enormous… daisy on it?) screaming about arresting Khadafy, YOU were the officious person at the Libyan Mission. Not the guy whose job it was to keep shrill horse-faced harpies like you out.
When the NYPD informs her that she has to leave or face arrest, she claims, “I complied, if only to maintain my ability to put Khadafy in chains.”
So… you’ll continue your crusade to bring Khadafy to justice?
“I didnt get Khadafy this time.”
The Dog Bounty Hunter?
The issue of race. The left (sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly) accuses members of the right of being racist. The right (sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly) claim that they are being unfairly victimized and that, in fact, the accusation of racism is a kind of racism in and of itself.
Unfortunately, Boolean logic abounds and people draw conclusions that ought not to be made. Were there people at the 9/12 Protest who were holding signs with racist messages? YES. The photos exist. If you were there and say that you didn’t see any, that their existence is just a left-wing trick? Then you’re either delusional or a liar. Or both.
Especially you, Joffrey Knorr of The Bronx, and your wife “who happens to be Black.”
But not everyone at that rally is a racist. Not everyone has ridiculous theories about Hitler and Muslims and birth certificates. So it’s equally unfair for people to refer to everyone there as a racist or an idiot.
When I refer to some of these people as “mouth-breathers” I don’t mean to imply that anyone who disagrees with Obama is a racist and/or stupid. I’m talking about the people who kept their kids out of school so that Obama couldn’t indoctrinate them through the TV rays (because they thought they were too young to be doctors or Nazis or whatever that word Rush told them to say means). They’re not stupid for disagreeing. They’re stupid for believing that any telejournalist or talk radio host has their best interests at heart.
Anyhoodles. The reason I bring this up is because The Post is doing something that’s starting to make me very angry (what else is new?).
Page 2 has an article on Paterson (“I’m in it to win it, defiant Dave says“) where the opening paragraph is opinion in fact’s clothing (but you’ll only learn that if you struggle through the full 12 paragraphs).
“A bitter and defiant Gov. Paterson is claiming that President Obama’s attempted political hit job has only given him ‘renewed vigor’ to seek a full term next year, the Post has learned.”
Now, if that was all I read, I’d think that Paterson actually said that. And I’d reason that he was kind of a dick when he said it, if the paper was calling him bitter and defiant.
But the quote belongs to Dr. Henry Jarecki. He was at the fund-raising event (attended by 60 of Paterson’s supporters) and he told the Post (who wasn’t there, apparently) that “[Paterson] referenced the incident [the Obama attacks]. He spoke of having a renewed vigor to run.”
1) It was at a fund-raiser. Do you expect Paterson to ask his base for money while avoiding the elephant in the room (that elephant being that he is a terrible governor, but the judges will also accept discussing the smaller elephant — that the Post has declared that Obama hates him)? If I was as low in the polls as he is and I had my hand out? I’d be using as much chest-puffing rhetoric as is humanly possible.
2) THIS IS HEARSAY! Someone at the meeting mentioned “the incident” which becomes “[the Obama attacks]” even though I can only remember one alleged “snub.”
But this isn’t what made me cringe.
Directly under the headline is a big photo of Michael Goodwin (big smile!) along with a quote from his column on page 13: “However you explain President Obama’s putsch against Gov. Paterson, there is only one factor that ultimately makes it possible: race. Only the first black president could pull off a coup against New York’s first black governor.”
I’ll discuss how disturbing this is when I get to page 13.
But on the lower right corner, there’s an article about who might replace Cuomo as Attorney General. The headline?
Race already on to replace Andy
If what Goodwin says is true (it isn’t) then maybe it would be helpful to let the Paterson article (which may or may not be accurate) stand alone, instead of being sandwiched between Goodwin’s hate(ful) speech and the word race all bolded and prominent.
Luc Bondy directed the new production of Tosca at the Met. It opened last night.
When he emerged from backstage for the curtain call, he was booed off the stage.
Proving that a) you cannot buy class and b) minimalism and opera don’t go well together.
Hiram Monserrate! Your girlfriend has recanted her story! She claims it was an accident! You’re home free!
The prosecution has some silly story about you finding a cop’s PBA card in Karla Giraldo’s pocketbook and flying into a jealous rage, slashing her in the face with broken glass (requiring 20 stitches!). Luckily Hiram’s defense consists of “I tripped and cut her by accident. On account of I’m clumsy.” I can already hear the “not guilty” verdict.
…wait. Apparently there’s video footage? And it starts with Hiram throwing a cop’s PBA card down the garbage chute? And Karla shoves you and runs to the chute to retrieve it? And then later? Karla runs downstairs (bloody towel on her face) and pounds on a neighbor’s door for help? And Hiram grabs her and pulls her away? And she grabs at the staircase railing as Hiram drags her towards the front door of the building? And as they leave, she screams and grabs at the door frame with her hand and foot, but Hiram keeps dragging her?
Oh. Um… maybe you’re going to prison for a while…
Congratulations, Mom and Dad! Westchester County homeowners pay more property tax than any other county in America!
You’re #1!
The FDA (now with even more corn syrup!) just banned the manufacturing, importing, marketing and distribution of candy-, fruit- and clove-flavored cigarettes in this great land of ours.
I actually passed someone smoking a clove cigarette the other day and I smiled because it made me think of my junior year of college when (seemingly) the entire theater department reeked of them. I smoked one a few years back and gagged. But I still mourn the loss of my old friend (who I never planned on seeing again anyways).
Did they meet at a club for people with double l’s in their first name?
Veronica Nickey, 41, approached Ellison Butler, 22, in Crown Heights in July 2008 shouting, “That’s what you get for touching my daughter!”
The “what” he got was shot to death by her. The man standing next to the victim, Dillon Rickman, refused to testify about the incident, even refusing to state his name on record. So the judge had no recourse but to dismiss the charges against Nickey (though Rickman got 30 days for summary contempt).
The Post’s crack reporting doesn’t explain how old Nickey’s daughter is/was or what “touching” was alleged to have taken place. Context is for suckers. But what it does point out is that Dillon’s silence is especially odd, given that he currently faces other rape and robbery charges (no deets on those either).
Oh, and that Mrs. Nickey is married to a Brooklyn cop.
Page 13.
First off, I should point out that I prefer to use “Black” as opposed to “black” when referring to people of African descent (and Sicilians). It differentiates between the adjective for gloomy and dark things and the actual human beings. But in fairness, I identify myself as “White,” lest someone accuse me of reverse racism.
Someone people capitalize, some don’t. If I’m quoting someone who doesn’t, I generally change it for them (for continuity’s sake). But I want no part of Goodwin’s words. He’s on his own.
“O’s NY coup shows race does matter” is where his page 2 quote comes from.
“‘It was a gutsy move,’ said one top state Democrat. ‘The president basically said openly what everybody else in politics has been saying quietly about Paterson: You’re not qualified to be governor.’ The grumbling didn’t turn into action for one simple reason: No white New Yorker was willing to risk being called a racist.”
Then he paints a picture of Paterson’s incompetence, forgetting to mention that Paterson wasn’t elected. No one chose him. The guy he worked for had sex with (my streak of not mentioning her name is over, damnit!) Ashley Dupre and he wound up in charge. The reason no one said anything is because the man has been digging his own grave for months. His approval ratings are downright Bushian.
Paterson’s “defiance” is embarrassing. He got there by accident and he is guaranteed a defeat in the next election. But he’s still going to run? Really? Why is it everyone else’s fault for not staging a gubernatorial intervention (especially easy if the mark is blind — “We’re taking you to, um, a really fancy restaurant, Governor Paterson.” “Woo hoo!”) and not Paterson’s fault for being bad at his job?
The argument that, if Obama wasn’t the same color as Paterson, the Democrats’d be stuck with an incompetent lame duck at the next election is absolute bullpucky. But the argument itself gets to perpetuate some of the stereotypes that the column alleges to “point out.”
Although, I wonder if Goodwin has the “courage” to pull off a similar “coup” and write up a fancy think-piece on why Michael Steele only got the job because he’s the same color as Obama.
In one of his other brain-leaks, Goodwin explains that the global population is now 6.8 billion and expected to be over 10 billion in 40 years (when I was in the 1st grade, it was 4 billion). He also notes that Uganda (5 million citizens in 1950, 25 million today) will reach 127 million in 2050.
“It’s politically incorrect to talk about these things, but we’d better start.”
Why is it politically incorrect? It’s a global concern that shatters boundaries. A POTUS with strong connections to the rest of the world will more than likely discuss this in great detail. Once you let him give us the public option and stop building effigies of Ray Bolger.
Two alternate jurors have been let go in the Astor trial and they’re both saying he’s guilty.
I don’t understand how my reading this is legal.
Only half of Bernie Madoff’s clients ultimately lost any of their money.
Holy salt on the wound, Batman!
These surveys have to stop.
Guess what the top two complaints about flying are. Go on, guess. Ready?
Flight delays (92% of passengers complain) and the rising prices (95% of passengers complain).
Which is news to 0% of 100%.
I hope my tax dollars funded that survey!
My next improv group will be Survey Villechaize and our flyer will have us on an island shaped like Herve Villechaize and we’re surveying the land in silly hats.
You should really come and see us perform.
Woody Harrelson can cure your acne. He claims that if you remove all dairy from your diet, your acne will clear up in just three days.
This could be huge. Unless the notorious stoner who played that stupid guy on TV is somehow wrong.
Naaaaaaah.
Page Six (today on page 17) notes that, at his farewell bash at La Pomme, Plaxico Burress was among friends who wanted to send him off to prison with a happy goodbye, “but his face had the look of a lost boy on the body of a giant.”
That’s funny because he used to play for the Giants! Well, I hope he had his fill of white wine and tampons and whatever other feminine things he likes before heading up to the pokey.
The Mischa Barton Death Clock just lurched forward.
On Monday, Alice Tully Hall (no relation to Anthony Michael Hall) played host to a screening of Michael Moore’s new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story. Mischa showed up (to the totes sold-out event) and started asking people for tickets. Then she started to walk the red carpet. Then she realized she was at the wrong place and crossed the street to the Met, where she saw the premiere of Tosca (is it possible that they were actually booing her?).
More on Moore in a moment.
Page Six also has a “source” that insists that Leno and Letterman’s bookers are telling celebrities that they need to choose which show they’ll be on (they can’t do both).
I think “America” (via “ratings”) is telling celebrities that, too.
Everyone should be like Johnathan Huff. He a Bronx high-school dean who was voted 2007’s Teacher of the Year.
Oh, wait. I meant no one should be like Johnathan Huff. He was busted yesterday for molesting one of his male 14-year-old students.
That award needs to go to 2007’s runner-up, like, NOW.
Oh, right. The document that the two men with ridiculous names tried to blackmail John Travolta with was the form he signed that held the paramedics without liability if they didn’t take the dying Jett Travolta to the local hospital (Travolta wanted to fly Jett to Florida, but didn’t have access to the right-sized plane — according to yesterday’s testimony).
Also, Scientology is for crazy people.
South Carolina is a scary place. Especially Wellford.
Mayor Sallie Peake has ordered all of the local police to NOT chase suspects on foot. Ever.
Apparently, a police officer was injured during a pursuit on foot, and the person she was chasing was a minor drug offender. Sallie crunched numbers and realized it wasn’t cost-effective to risk more injuries, so no one is allowed to chase a suspect.
If a Wellford cop gets into a car accident, that town might just become Thunderdome.
The Phillips family is back.
Mackenzie’s new book has some interesting new tales. In High on Arrival (more like Remaindered on Arrival, am I right?), Mackenzie recalls once confronting her father, John Phillips of the Mamas & the Papas, saying, “We have to talk about when you raped me.” This is a reference to how, “on the eve of my wedding day, my father showed up, determined to stop it. I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything, too. Eventually, I passed out on Dad’s bed. My father was not a man of boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.” Mackenzie was 19 at the time.
John Phillips died in 2001. Whatever fondness most folks had for him died just now.
If the story is true. We shouldn’t jump the gun. Let’s see what other evidence presents itself.
Take it one day at a time.
In Russia, officials told the owner of a kebab joint called “Anti-Soviet” that they had to change their name because the elderly found it offensive.
So now it’s called “Soviet.”
And still, no old people eat there.
Joffrey Knorr’s letter about how (at the 9/12 Protest) “I did not see a single sign that any fair-minded person would call ‘racially insensitive’ — neither did my wife, who happens to be black…” also takes the media to task for reporting on stuff that isn’t there. “I find it a rather pathetic attempt to establish credibility on racial issues and most unbecoming.”
Joff? I agree with your first statement (though I have a feeling we’re using two different definitions of “fair-minded”), but not your second. In fact, I’m interested to know why you would read (and write to!) the paper that repeatedly blames “racial issues” for the fact that the only person who could successfully inform Paterson that his approval ratings are sub-zero and his party can’t waste money or votes on salvaging his unsalvageable campaign had to be the same color as Paterson.
I have the same question for Theodore Miraldi of The Bronx who writes in to complain about how “race is quickly becoming the ‘joker’ in the deck of political tricks” and opines, “It would do this nation a service to strike the word ‘race’ from the dictionary, and let those who use it stand on their own merit.”
Theo? Have you been introduced to Michael Goodwin? He’s new here.
According to Dr. Marc K. Siegel (who attributes the info to an Investors Business Daily/TIPP poll), “two-thirds of doctors ‘oppose the proposed health-care plan’” and “almost half would ‘consider leaving their practice or taking an early retirement’ if ‘Congress passes its health-care plan.’
Well, if Investors Business Daily says so, it must be true!
Incidentally, which health-care plan are they referring to?
The Weinsteins are firing some more staffers, going from 160 in 2005 to 90 now. Maybe they should change the name of their company to Mirameh.
Google just halted progress on that online digital library. But, but… how will we read books without it?
Some homeowners in Scotland continue to refuse to sell their land to Donald Trump (for his mega-golf course slated to open… in a few months!?!?). That’s it, Scots! Make him earn that land!
And the proposal for a book by the guy who pretended he fathered John Edwards’ mistress’ baby has been picked up by St. Martin’s Press. I can’t wait to read the 400-page paraphrase of the previous sentence!
Page 37 also has a great story about how only half of Bernie Madoff’s… clients… wound up losing… good grief. They didn’t reprint the story from page 14 — they ran two versions of it.
Well done, Post!
Kyle Smith “reviews” Michael Moore’s new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story.
“Don’t spend any cash for this clunker” and “another factually-challenged jeremiad” and “intellectually bankrupt” and “busted logic, self-contradiction, tasteless jokes and ideas that are demonstrably, empirically wrong.”
He has a sidebar of “MOORE TO HATE” which lists Moore’s previous films and who his “enemy” was in each. Roger & Me was “Moore vs. US auto industry” and Bowling for Columbine was “Moore vs. US gun industry” and Farenheit 9/11 was “Moore vs. US” (now THAT’S good film criticism!).
Smith also claims there are several “cheers for armed uprising” in the film, “although what exactly his viewers in Santa Monica and on the Upper West Side will rise up against is anybody’s guess.”
It’s like I’ve always said: Good film criticism must be condescending, dismissive, insulting and partisan. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I look forward to doing so and seeing whether or not Mr. Smith is being honest or if he had an agenda before the lights dimmed in the theater (guess how I’m leaning).
Roger Clemens is fired up once again and he filed an appeal of his recently-dismissed defamation suit against Brian McNamee.
Where does he get all of this energy?
The Yankees have become the first team to official take their place in the playoffs. They’re also currently beating the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in California Which Is Part of the United States of America And That’s All The Qualifiers We Feel Are Necessary At This Point In Time (it’s 3-0 in the bottom of the 4th). If we win, the Magic Number for clinching the AL East will be 5.
Boston lost their last two games (against Kansas City!) and Texas has become the Mets of the South.
Estelle Getty’s Emmy for The Golden Girls is on eBay. The TV Academy is demanding that it be removed.
Its estimated value is… not much but the opening bid is $15,000.
No takers as of yet…
Ellen DeGeneres responded to the “debate going on right now whether I’m qualified to be the new judge on American Idol. I’ll tell you right now, how I know I’m going to be a great judge… I’ve spent my whole life being judged. So I know what it’s like.”
I see what you did there, Ellen.
Well gayed.
Dancing With The Stars beat House by 1,500,000 viewers.
What did I say, America? Cut it out.
I mean it.
Now that his competitors are airing new episodes, Jay Leno’s audience has fallen to 5,700,000.
OK. You got this one right, America. Here’s a cookie.
The Mrs. is home with some kind of sickness. I am ministering (ministrating? administering? menstruating?) and hoping she feels well enough for the Elvis Costello taping we got tickets for. He’s interviewing (among others) Lyle Lovett and we’ve been looking forward to it for the last week. But if she doesn’t feel up to it, so be it. I’ll stay in and keep him cozy. Because broth don’t make itself.
Speaking of which, it’s already Wednesday night! Wha hoppen?
Later!
EDITED TO ADD: Mackenzie Phillips has A LOT more to say about her relationship with her father. A LOT.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/09/22/mackenzie.phillips.oprah/index.html
Thanks, Bethany!
I’m “friends” with one of my favorite comic book artists (on Facebook) and he always has a movie playing while he draws. I used to do that (when writing this bad boy), but I found that it distracted me too much.
Today, I have the first episode of VH1’s Tool Academy 2 playing in a tiny window on the side of my screen. I’m hoping that seeing an episode of the first Tool Academy isn’t a prerequisite.
It’s been 3 minutes and I already want to cut off my wife’s fingers (I kid, I kid).
MY MAN!
O greets Andy as gov looks like odd man out
So many news stories in the world, and yet the Post decided to plaster their front page with the continuation of their Exclusive-Because-No-One-Else-Considers-This-News.
Obama is shaking hands with a bunch of guys standing in line. The Post photog managed to time his shot perfectly — Obama is shaking Cuomo’s hand while THE BLIND GUY stares ahead. Shocking.
Oh no! The douchebags just found out they’re on Tool Academy and not International Party King of Las Vegas! LOLZ! Big John’s not taking it well!
Anyhoodles, not counting (all of) the front page, there are FOUR (4) entire pages devoted to this revelation. Here’s what those pages include:
* A full-page (minus a narrow sidebar) photo of Obama and Paterson shaking hands with the caption, “WATCH YOUR BACK, DAVE: President Obama awkwardly embraces Gov. Paterson at the Albany airport yesterday, before slighting him during an appearance at a community college in Troy.”
* The sidebar next to that photo lists four (4) quotes under the headline “Famous betrayals”. They include Michael Corleone (The Godfather II), Henry Hill (Goodfellas), Julius Caesar, and Jesus Christ. I find it sad that they had to use three fictional criminals to fill out the sidebar.
* The opposite page features the headline, “Bam embraces gov — and all that’s missing is the knife in his hand” and the first sentence of the “article” is “President Obama inflicted a stunning series of snubs on Gov. Paterson during a visit to upstate New York yesterday, making it plain for all to see that Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is his governor-in-waiting.”
* They credit a “White House aide” with telling Paterson that Obama wouldn’t support him in the coming election. It was my understanding that this is all conjecture, but OK. Sure. If the Post (who once trumpeted that Kerry chose Gephardt as his running mate on their front page) says it happened, then it must have!
* If you doubt that the Post has an agenda, then try making it through this gem: “The ice-cold shoulder was apparent from the start of Obama’s speech at Hudson Valley Community College, in which the president used his opening remarks to damn Paterson with faint praise. ‘First of all,’ Obama said, pausing as if to search for the words, ‘a wonderful man, the governor of the great state of New York — David Paterson is in the house.’” Oh no he dih-ih!
I’m amazed Paterson didn’t start crying. The end of this insult to journalism promises an editorial on page 26 that re-iterates this nonsense with an even more partisan tone. But wait! There’s still two more pages of this!
“ANDY’S GETTING A 2nd CUOM-ING” runs across both pages with a large article by Fredric U. Dicker (tee-hee) on Cuomo’s failed gubernatorial bid seven years ago. “Paterson may get Obama parachute” informs us that Obama will probably give Paterson a position in his administration. Since this kind of doesn’t jibe with the whole “look at the Black POTUS treat the Black governor like shit!” flavor, it’s the smallest article. Go figure. There’s more (including Obama’s visit with David Letterman!) but I need to move on to something that isn’t as offensively partisan.
Brooklyn in the house!
Angel’s Barber Shop on Court Street (which I pass every time I go to Trader Joe’s) was the scene of a scuffle on Sunday. Douglas Williams, 16, got a haircut but didn’t like it. He demanded that Antonio Lopez, 77, take another stab at it (thankfully, that isn’t foreshadowing). So Antonio did. But Douglas hated the new one even more, so he yelled at Antonio again. Antonio screamed for Douglas to “get the fuck out!”
So Douglas hit the 77-year-old on the wrist with a metal pipe.
Antonio is OK (though his watch is mad broken, yo) and Douglas is in custody. With a shitty haircut.
Hey, Derrick Praileau! Why’d you kill that woman?
“When I drink, I lose control — and I want what I want.”
Oh.
Maybe Tool Academy 3 could be shot in the big house?
Models in the green room with hidden cameras? VH1 is stealing from Maury?!?!
Plaxico Burress will turn himself in today and begin his 2-year prison sentence.
I know “short eyes” is jailspeak for someone who hurt a child. What’s jailspeak for someone who shoots himself in the leg because he didn’t want to drop his glass of white wine?
May I suggest “Quentin Crisp”?
More context-less polling!
57% of “Americans” think government is doing “too much” but only 38% think government should “do more.”
Write that down!!!
Geoffrey Robertson explains why the NYPD has the perfectly legal ability to arrest Moammar Khadafy today.
Khadafy, who wears more Africa medallions than P.M. Dawn, is described by Geoffrey as “the worst man left in the world.”
Really? He’s the worst?
Did Dick Cheney die?
Bijou Phillips is engaged to Danny Masterson (he’s the only person from That 70’s Show that didn’t become famous). In Bijou’s next movie, Made For Each Other, she plays the love interest of Chris Masterson (from Malcolm in the Middle). They have lots of sex scenes.
Chris and Danny are real-life brothers.
I can’t wait to see the ad campaign.
After Kristin Chenoweth won an Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress (for Pushing Daisies), she walked backstage and got a crippling migraine and had to lie down. Paramedics were called.
She’s fine now, although it still bothers her that Aaron Sorkin made her look like a weirdo Jesus Freak on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
Oh no!
Kate Gosselin “broke down” during taping of the new talk show pilot she’s on when producers flashed a picture of her children on a TV screen. How will this affect the show that people are calling “The View for working moms”?
Well, it’s getting more free publicity…
Cindy Adams says that the Coen Brothers are remaking True Grit with Jeff Bridges in the John Wayne role.
She also says that Robert DeNiro and Spike Lee are teaming up for Alphaville — a new drama series about Alphabet City in the 80’s.
She also says something bitchy about Jessica Simpson: “I’m told Jessica Simpson is taking the Tony Romo breakup hard. Depressed, staying home, not having fun, not eating — which I guess is the only good thing.”
Meow!
Hiram Monserrate’s defense? “It was a freak accident.”
How can a defense be so offensive?
Some Hispanic skateboarders were using the “n” word at Toasties in Union Square (try the Popeye!) and DeMarcus Reed, 30, asked them to stop. So they beat him up.
We hope DeMarcus is OK and that those punks fall down some stairs.
Dan Rather is really fighting hard in his lawsuit against CBS. He just got approval to depose Sumner Redstone.
Will the world finally get closure on that thing about the National Guard and George W. Bush that no one remembers that well?
Stay alive long enough to see this through, Danny Boy!
Under the NYPD DAILY BLOTTER is a half-page ad for a wristwatch. It claims that the list price ($1,429) was slashed to $359 (but if you act now, it’s only $179!) and that it includes “8 REAL DIAMONDS!”
There’s a picture of the watch and a bunch of adjectives and selling points, but the most prominent thing is a white guy pointing a gun at my face (he is wearing the watch, though).
Are they trying to sell the watch to James Bond? Or just anyone with a gun?
Seriously, VH1. This is pretty awful. I don’t think I can make it all the way through.
Manuel Zelaya has returned to Honduras. He’s chilling at the Brazilian embassy in Tegucigalpa.
Curfews were instituted and ignored by Zelaya’s supporters.
This could get ugly.
For two months, Randy Joubert and Gary Nisbet delivered furniture together in Waldoboro, Maine, before realizing that they were brothers separated at birth.
Small world (though they’re both fat).
Brigitte Harris, 28, killed her father and cut off his penis.
What does such a woman do for a living?
Airport security guard, of course!
More ACORN bashing, a plea to NOT use Superfund money for the Gowanus, an editorial (as promised) urging Paterson to run for governor merely as a ‘fuck you’ to every Democrat who isn’t currently supporting him (classy!), and (my favorite) a tsk-tsking at the people who leaked charges against Bo Dietl (which the Post reported as fact a few days ago) — that’s right, the Post is telling the cops that they should do more research so that newspapers (that don;t do research) aren’t embarrassed when they report rumors as truth.
The editorial pages have more laughs than the comics page (I’m looking at you, Mallard Fillmore).
A full-page review of Dancing with the Stars (more specifically, Tom DeLay).
DeLay should be in prison. If you watch this show, you are not only rewarding ABC with better ratings, but ou’re also helping DeLay reinvent himself as someone (more) human.
Stop it.
Rage, starring Jude Law, Judi Dench, Eddie Izzard and others, is the first movie available in theaters (in the UK), on DVD (in the US) and on cellphones.
Wait. Seriously?
Yes. Babelgum has chopped it into 7 segments and they started rolling them out yesterday.
If I had to watch an entire movie on my cellphone? Over the course of a week?
Yeah… that’s an accurate title.
Stephanie Green has an article about how Jewish ladies loved Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.
Go know.
Yanks lost, Boston lost (to Kansas City!) and Texas won, so we’re still one game away from a playoff berth (with 11 games left to play).
Also, Gary Sheffield thinks he’ll be playing baseball next year (really? for who?).
The channel BIO (buh?) has been sitting on footage for a few months but is finally ready to air it.
On October 3rd, an interview with David Carradine (for Celebrity Ghost Stories) will have him explaining that his wife’s ex-husband’s ghost visited him from a bedroom closet.
Other celebrities that will share stories that make them look crazy include Carrie Fisher, Scott Baio and Joan Rivers.
Well played, BIO.
Two-hour Hell’s Kitchen tonight?
Yes, please!
Anything but more Tool Academy!
Happy Tuesday, kids!
This.
Kirk Cameron, ladies and gentlemen. The scariest former heartthrob in America.
Between the three of us, we drank two bottles of wine last night (over a four hour period). There was a time when that would barely faze me. But I am nursing a pretty bad hangover (sweet, sweet coffee to the rescue!) and fighting the powerful urge to pull the covers back up and sleep for a few more days.
But Marc Maron’s latest WTF podcast (#6 – with David Cross) is playing and today’s paper is on my lap, so we might as well do this thing.
And, for the record, my wife is gourmet chef. And a gibbon.
According to the front page, the White House thinks Paterson would lose a gubernatorial election against 9iu11ani (agreed) and only Andrew Cuomo could run against America’s Lisping Mayor and win.
I have been saying this for months. And so have many others. So why is this front page news today?
I guess it beats talking about how Fox News consistently distorts the news it broadcasts.
If CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and MSNBC had any balls, they’d take out a full-page ad asking why Fox wasn’t covering the numerous stories of them taking quotes out of context and having their producers get audiences and rallies (that they all but organize) to cheer so that they can “report” on how “excited” the crowds are.
Trial today in Travolta son death
Oh boy! Is someone actually taking Travolta to task for letting Scientology convince him that his son wasn’t autistic, which kinda sorta led to Jett’s untimely death?
Sigh, no. John is suing the two guys (paramedic Tarino Lightbourne and former Sen. Pleasant Bridgewater) he says tried to extort $25,000,000 from him. John says they threatened to release “a document related to Jett’s treatment.”
I would love to know what document could possibly be worth $25,000,000 to suppress…
Three years in a row! Once again, 30 Rock won Best Comedy Series.
Two years in a row! Once again, Mad Men won Best Drama Series (suck it, Michael Starr)!
Bryan Cranston (or, as the Post calls him, Brian Cranston) won Best Actor in a Drama for Breaking Bad (after years of deserving Best Actor in a Comedy for Malcolm in the Middle). Sadly, Jack McBrayer lost (to Jon Cryer), but Alec Baldwin won (again!).
And the winners’ list is accompanied by a giant photo of… Blake Lively?
Peter Braunstein must be thrilled!
Marc Maron is very angry that Tom DeLay is on Dancing with the Stars.
Get in line, Marc.
Dinner with Sarah Palin (as offered on eBay) ultimately sold for $63,500. The winning bidder is Huntsville, Alabama’s very own Cathy Maples. Cathy is just like Sarah Palin. She’s a straight-shootin’ American grandmother. Who has met Palin twice before.
So where does such a down-to-earth true-blue reg’lar Joe (Jody?) get $63,500 to watch Sarah Palin eat soup?
Why, from her business!
And for context, here are the other closing prices for other auctions offered by the same charity:
* A baseball jersey signed by Rob Lowe (?): $620
* A CSI: NY “set experience and party with Gary Sinise”: $4,150
* Lunch with Karl Rove: $16,000
Faced with these prizes, I’d have just told Pat to put it all on a Service Merchandise gift certificate.
Jonathan Avilos, 18, is an idiot.
You want to make death threats against Obama? Fine. You want to do it by calling 911? Fine. You want to do the same for Ray Kelly? Fine.
But don’t do it FROM YOUR CELL PHONE.
Derrick Praileau has confessed to murdering Andree Bajjani.
Thank you for lessening the cost of your trial, Derrick.
B’also? Enjoy dying in prison.
The police are cracking down!
On people that rent bicycles near Central Park.
Uh… thanks?
Frederic U. Dicker (tee-hee) explains just how incendiary Obama (the first Black POTUS) pushing Paterson (the first Black governor of NY) out of the upcoming election is.
Will someone at the Post take him to task for bringing up race unnecessarily? Probably not.
But the article on the next page (“BAM CUTS GOV ON THE BIAS”) begins, “It was all over after Gov. Paterson played the race card.”
Really. THAT’S why Paterson lost favor with Obama (and his constituents)?
According to your FRONT PAGE, Obama is backing Cuomo because only Cuomo could beat 9iu11ani (if the polls said Paterson could win, would Obama refuse to back him because of the race card?).
Only Charlie Rangel (who deserves to be dipped in acid every hour for a decade) seems to have solved the riddle of why this is front page news: “It’s only a report from reporters. There’s absolutely no evidence to substantiate this, but all of a sudden, it’s a news story.”
Well said, you lying sack of crap.
Only one page of ACORN-bashing today? You’re losing your touch, Post!
Bleech!
That weird layout that Michael Goodwin’s page has is now being used by Lazy Eye Peyser. This allows her to have 5 mini-pieces on one gaudy page. She laments that Hiram Monserrate will probably be found innocent (I, too, lament this), how Jay Leno isn’t funny anymore (stop the presses), that Ernie Anastos should have been heavily fined (um… what?), that ACORN is not taking new clients and she needs “a few free bucks for a house in Bermuda” (what a pretty straw man, Andrea!) and (perhaps my favorite) how the new Manhattan DA is “soft on crime.”
That last piece is titled “Cy the root of all feeble” and in it, Andrea says that Cyrus Vance, Jr.’s “aim is not to lock up pedophiles and plotters but to root out what I’d term the ‘root causes’ of crime, otherwise known as giving miscreants a hug. Is he soft? That’s what I asked him as he handed out dead trees to voters in Greenwich Village. ‘To call me soft on crime is a very narrow slice of my criminal platform,’ he sputtered. Easy, guy. Vance wants to halt crime before it happens. ‘That’s not soft,’ he repeated. ‘That’s trying to be smart on crime. We are recycling people [through the justice system] without changing behavior. I think my goal is to try to move toward a criminal policy that keeps us safe.’ Good luck with that, Cy. We’ll need it.”
So, she declares him soft on crime THEN asks him if he’s soft on crime and when he explains that he isn’t and that he wants to rethink our extremely broken system, she repeats that he’s soft on crime and paints him as a bleeding-heart moron.
Hey, it sure beats work.
Charles Hurt happily points out that Obama is doing far more TV interviews than W. did in his majestic opus, “On-the-air prez seems like endless ‘infomercial’” though he fails to point out that W. spent more time on vacation than any other president — and that was after he started two poorly planned wars.
To prove his theory that Obama is tarnishing his office by being interviewed on the TV so much (?), he provides agreement from Matt Latimer (he used to write speeches for a POTUS, but I can’t figure out who…).
He also says that Obama is “out-hustling his predecessors with the print media” but if I point out the racial undertones of his choice of words, then I’ll have to deal with people accusing me of playing the race card. So, let’s just say, “What a great point, Chuck!” and hope he gets struck by lightning.
Someone accidentally walked in on Courtney Love at a party at the Standard Hotel the other day. She was sitting on a toilet with her kirt around her ankles. The man immediately excused himself (he claims he was looking for the exit), but Love burst out after him, attacked him and demanded that security arrest him “for attacking [her].”
“I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn’t a pretty sight,” the man said.
He added that security told him, “It’s best you get away as fast as possible.”
Note to the Standard: if you want to encourage people to come have sex at your hotel, you might think about not letting Courtney Love anywhere near the place.
Note to Courtney Love: Lock. The. Door.
When will Mischa Barton die?
According to a source on the set of her terrible new show, she shows up to work “so bleary some days that it holds up work.” The source also says that Mischa is constantly demanding that people make her instant coffee. “Often, she’ll stare at the coffee for minutes at a time and say, ‘Who will fix my coffee? I need someone to fix my coffee.’”
If she remains employed (and therefore has money for drugs) I give her until next summer at the latest.
Who is the most fucked-up member of the Phillips family?
Did you say Bijou? Good guess. But she’s just a terrible actress who likes to party with people like Sean Lennon. That’s like a 3 on the fucked-up scale.
Did you say Mackenzie? Better guess. She’ll be on Oprah this week to promote her new book, High On Arrival, which reveals her troubled childhood and drug use. She’s about a 7. Maybe an 8.
No, the most fucked-up member of the Phillips family is Tamerlane. He’s Bijou’s brother. He’s 38. And when asked about his family, he offered, “My family is and always will be a decrepit bowl of dog urine compared to Nityananda of Ganeshpuri. That is how great Nityananda is. Worship Nityananda, not the Phillips family. Nityananda can protect you.”
The Indian yogi he’s referring to died in 1961. Tamerlane was born 10 years later.
Wow. Jennifer’s Body tanked. It came in 4th at the box office (Love Happens came in 3rd!). #1 was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. This was one of my favorite books as a kid (the other was The Five Chinese Brothers). I look forward to seeing it.
But since the “two girls kiss!!!!” campaign failed for Jennifer’s Body, maybe the folks behind The Burning Plain should point out that Charlize Theron is fully-frontally naked in it!
V.A. Musetto just bought a ticket!
Will P. Diddy jump labels and release his next album on Interscope?!?!
P. Diddy still makes records?!?!
The guy who said, “No, John Edwards isn’t the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby — I am!” is now claiming that not only is the baby John Edwards’, but Edwards also promised Hunter that he would marry her on a rooftop “with the Dave Matthews Band playing.”
I can’t believe I almost voted for him.
According to Cindy Adams, she was watching TBS on Saturday at 6:00 p.m. when “an actor said straight out loud in an obviously scripted line of dialogue, ‘bullshit.’ Children, what is happening to TV?!”
Well, this Saturday, Family Guy is on at 6:00 p.m. Is it possible that Cindy can’t tell cartoons from reality? But a check on TBS’ website shows that The Whole Ten Yards was on last Saturday at 6:00. A little fancy footwork reveals the use of the naughty word.
Nicholas Oz Oseransky: Who sent you? Buttercup Scout: Buttercup Scouts of America. Nicholas Oz Oseransky: Bullshit. What troop are you with? Buttercup Scout: What?
PG-13, my ass.
Did you know that a federal bill that would allow guns in checked baggage on Amtrak is currently making the rounds? Bloomberg (and many other mayors, lawmakers and other people who can breathe through their noses) is lashing out at it.
Thanks, Moneybags!
New York Methodist Hospital in Park Slope made a boo-boo.
For eleven (11) days, Richard and Joseph Mannarino called the hospital to find out about their mother. They were repeatedly told that she had been discharged.
Turns out their mother was dead. The hospital had the brothers’ contact info, but never told them she had died.
The lawsuit was filed earlier this month (despite the incident occurring in December 2007).
The one silver lining is that their mother’s body was still in the morgue when the hospital finally informed them of her passing.
Construction mishaps are up 40 percent this year! Outstanding!
Wait. Ahmadinejad is staying at the Intercontinental?
Why did I think his reservation was cancelled?
I can’t keep up with all of the scummy dictators comin’ to town!
There are some pictures of paintings by Alyssa Monks (of Brooklyn!). They look like photographs. She’s mad talented, yo.
Look at them here.
Laura Ruben wrote in to complain about Andrea Peyser referring to Danmell Ndonye as a “whore.”
Sorry, Laura, but if you have sex with five strangers simultaneously — in a bathroom stall — then, yeah, that’s a little whore-y.
B’also? I’d be more concerned about the guys who were called “rapists” by the whore.
For haters of the Yankees, this is for you.
The headline reads Gay, Jeter run historic 100s but it refers to Tyson Gay, who ran the second-fastest men’s 100 meters on record, and Carmelita Jeter, who ran the second-fastest women’s 100 meters on record.
But feel free to make some Derek Jeter is gay jokes.
You’re welcome.
Boston is just 5 games behind us. We play the Angels for the next 3 nights and then (after a day of rest) 3 games at home against Boston.
We’re going to the playoffs, but how we get there is no longer as obvious as I’d once believed…
Remember Chris Sligh?
Me neither. But I guess he was the fat curly-haired guy who came in 10th on American Idol at some point.
He just posted a blog entry that he intended to be advice for the next season of AI participants.
It’s waaaaaay too long, but it does a nice job of bursting bubbles. If it’s your cup of tea, click here.
Hugh Laurie claims that years of faking Dr. House’s limp is actually damaging his knees.
The article also claims that Dr. House walks with a limp because of a gunshot wound.
It’s been a while since I last saw it, but I’m pretty sure that’s incorrect.
Michael Starr got it wrong! Kate Gosselin isn’t starring in her own talk show. Paula Deen is. Gosselin and Woodruff and Syler (and Judy Gold!) will be “supporting” Paula.
How did you fuck that up, Mike? Was the press release originally in Spanish before you moved the words around for your “column”?
And you have never negative to say about Mad Men winning another Emmy?
Two-hour season premiere of House tonight? Yes, please.
Happy Monday!
Q: I associate the late Robert Young with TV’s kindly, consoling physician Marcus Welby. Was he like his character in real life? –Mrs. J.H., Pittsburgh, Pa.
Q: I love the CBS show NCIS. Is the actress who plays intelligence officer Ziva David really Israeli? –R.M. Ricci, San Bernadino, Calif.
The first one is an honest question sent in by a lonely woman (I think the “Mrs.” was erroneously self-proscribed), but the second is the kind of thing I see almost every week. It is a question that can easily be answered by typing the name of the actress into Google. I have just done this and the first site it pulled up is her page on the Internet Movie DataBase (imdb.com). Without even clicking the link, I can read the first sentence which is: “Cote de Pablo was born in Santiago, Chile, but was raised in Miami.”
B’also? Did someone actually think that “Cote de Pablo” might be an Israeli name?
And here’s a letter to America’s Smartest Parade Magazine Columnist, Marilyn vos Savant:
“Why does a round pizza come in a square box? –Shelby Cook, Fayetteville, Ark.
Well played, Shelby. Well. Played.
The Mrs. cooked an insanely delicious frittata this morning that our friend Diana helped us put away (with enough leftovers to feed me every morning this week), and we’re preparing for yet still another friend to come by for dinner (will Teresa outdo herself with her ambitious fish soup? prolly!). So I gots lots to do. But here’s your Sunday paper, all smarmy and one-sided — just how Rupert likes it!
Anna Anka (Paul Anka’s wife, not the song by They Might Be Giants) is starring in a reality show about Swedish women with wealthy American hubbies (I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a great idea for a show!). But her native country is all in a tizzy because of her recent online kvetching about Sweden’s “drive for a genderless society”:
“Swedish dads are tragic with all their diaper-changing and equality,” said the former Miss Sweden and current sexist. She went on to say that it is the job of the woman to keep her man “sexually satisfied.”
“If she does not, then she only has herself to blame if he is unfaithful.”
Congratulations, Paul!
After seeing what wonders it did Kazakhstan to complain about Borat, the Information Minister of Nigeria, Dora Akunyili, has demanded that all Nigerian movie theaters stop showing District 9 (because Nigerians are portrayed as gangsters). Dora also wants an apology from Sony and for all references to Nigerians to be removed from the film.
Good luck with that, Nigeria.
Remember Peter Braunstein? He dressed up like a fireman, started a fire, did some raping, led police on a nation-wide manhunt? Currently serving 18 years to life (l’chaim!)? ‘Member?
Well, if you do, please let the cast of Gossip Girl know that he’s a big fan. In fact, he says that Season 3 of GG is his “incentive for staying in the game” (that’s lifer talk for “not killing yourself”).
“But still I ask myself: Sure, it’s probably going to be great, but is Gossip Girl, in and of itself, reason enough to stay alive? We’ll see.”
Dave Chappelle got worried that people were enjoying his show for the wrong reasons and he walked away from it. If only the knowledge that Peter Braunstein was furiously masturbating to each and every episode — and that the show was the only thing keeping him from trying to jam another screwdriver in his throat — was enough to make the cast and crew of Gossip Girl consider following suit.
P.S. — Peter has one other thing he credits with keeping him alive: “…pen-pal sympathizers, people — well, actually, just women — who followed my case and write to me, telling me that I’ve been wronged and misunderstood.” Unless this is another of his delusions, all you lonely/crazy dames have got to cut it out.
People get killed every day, in hundreds of ways. But if you get killed in a fancy hotel, you get the front page!
Andree Bejjani, 44, lived on the 10th floor of the Jumeirah Essex House on Central Park South. She was found on the floor of her kitchen with a knife in her neck. The hotel’s housekeeping manager, Derrick Praileau hasn’t been charged just yet, but word on the street (word in the lobby?) is that surveillance shows Derrick (possibly drunk at the time) entering the apartment of Bejjani before his shift began.
Normally, I’d say this guy is a jerk and he’ll die in prison, but that’s what the Post wanted me to think about Stalin and Jesus and that blew up in my face. So, we’ll see what happens in tomorrow’s paper.
After many many editorials shaming our POTUS for dropping the missile defense shield in Europe and getting nothing from Russia in return, the Russian government announced that it will no longer be deploying missiles to Poland and the Czech Republic.
“Russia drops missile threat” is the tiny headline in the bottom corner. How much you wanna bet the Post still chastises Obama for his lily-livered cowardice for which we have nothing to show? Put the money in an envelope. I’ll tell you when to mail it to me.
EXCLUSIVE!!
Well, if it’s a New York Post exclusive, it must involve Ashley Dupre, right?
Ex-adviser: Spitzer had his eye on presidency
Stop the presses. The Governor of New York planned on eventually running for President of the United States. I bet that not only will Fox News devote substantial airtime to this astonishing revelation, but they’ll also take every other station to task for not covering this bombshell. Which they ignored because Spitzer is a Democrat.
And, oh look! A giant photo of Ashley Dupre in a bikini and mink coat! Journalism is HOT!
Michael Goodwin joins the looooong line of Republicolumnists who like to say things that they hope people will call racist, which will allow him to jump on the “stop calling us racists for disagreeing with a Black president” bandwagon made of straw.
“A president can go broke fighting public trust. As it stands, Obama will soon be like the little boy who called wolf too often.”
Who you callin’ “boy”?
Just kidding. I get his reference to that classic children’s story, The Boy Called Wolf (Too Often).
Want to see a hotel lobby, room and bathroom made out of 200,000 plastic Holiday Inn key cards? Then go to South Street Seaport and take a look (tomorrow’s your last chance!). It’s 400 square feet, weighs 4,000 pounds and is 1 of a kind (see what I did there?).
Even the terlit is made of cards!
Now I’ve seen everything!
Over on Page Six (today on page 14), we learn that Russell Simmons likes Tommy Hilfiger more than he likes Ashley Dupre (why, it’s another photo of Ashley! thanks again, Post!). Tommy told Russell that Ashley Dupre was “unwelcome” at Tommy’s Fashion Week party at the Jane Hotel, so Russell disinvited Ashley.
This is a textbook example of “bros before hos.”
Real-estate broker Jason Haber (of Prudential Douglas Elliman) was called by representatives of Moammar Khadafy regarding the rental of an Upper East Side townhouse. He told them to “take a hike back to the desert.” But they persisted.
“They kept asking, ‘What would be the price? What would be the price?’ I thought about it and said, ‘Why don’t you send Megrahi back to Scotland, and then maybe we can work something out.’ They hung up on me immediately.”
Anybody want to bet he made all of this up for the free publicity and the wave of clients who will reward his make-believe heroism with their business?
I think I might have a gambling problem.
Oh no! Are we running out of flu shots? One supplier said they’re making 3,000,000 fewer shots than ordered this year!
But if we don’t inject ourselves with the flu (which might actually infect you with the flu), then we might actually get infected with the flu!
Nice piece about Chris O’Dell, 62, who slept with Ringo Starr, Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan (while all 3 were married). Her book is out next month. As Diana said at brunch, “Her vagina is like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.”
Agreed. Next order of business…
Cindy Adams went to Connecticut and didn’t enjoy herself (“Nuts to the Nutmeg State!“).
May I suggest your discomfort wasn’t with Connecticut but with life? Your body has been trying to tell you for years that it’s time. Stop fighting it. Get in the box and sleep the sleep of the just.
Peter Suderman explains why “On health care reform, Democrats are now their own worst enemy.”
1) I’m fairly certain that the side that refuses to compromise and knowingly spreads malicious untruths to muddy the waters for the more simple folk among us is still their worst enemy.
2) Could someone at the Post decide if its “health care” or “health-care” or “healthcare” and then make everyone there agree to ONLY use the chosen version? Poor Peter has “health care reform” in the sub-headline, but then his first sentence begins “As health-care reform struggles…” He also uses “health reform” and “health-reform” interchangeably.
Of Addison Wilson’s Heckle Heard ‘Round The World, Jimmy Carter said, “I think it’s based on racism. There’s an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”
He’s right. Maybe Addison (despite the numerous past examples of his genuine racism) really had no malice in his heart or mind. Maybe it was like when I saw Thirteen Days in the theater and when Kevin Costner delivered his first line in (what I think was supposed to be) a Bostonian accent and I loudly whined, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Maybe, if you think a mediocre docu-drama about the Bay of Pigs deserves the same amount of respect as our sitting president, the outburst was just a knee-jerk brainfart. In which case, Mr. Carter’s first sentence is erroneous. Fine. I’ll give you that one. But it’s the second sentence that bears repeating.
“There’s an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”
The response I’m hearing from a lot of right-wingers is “why am I a racist for disagreeing with a Black president?” And my response to that response is, “Do you drag Black people behind your truck? Would you physically assault a Black woman who politely asked you to please not hit her daughter with the door as you left a Cracker Barrel? No? Then you’re not who he’s talking about. He isn’t talking about people who disagree with Obama on policy. He’s referring to the proud racists that live in America. And there are far more than there should be.”
Stupid people love absolutes and hate nuances (America: Love It or Leave It and You’re Either With Us Or Against Us spring to mind). I propose an IQ test before you’re allowed to vote. Or drive. Or reproduce.
I have no idea what this Harris poll proves or who was asked this question or when (oh that’s right, this is the Post!), but 37% of the respondents want us to commit less troops to the war in Afghanistan, 20% want to keep levels the same, 25% want more troops committed, and 18% aren’t sure.
Good to know (regardless of context).
Elio Valenti of Brooklyn refers to the 69,000,000 people who voted for Obama as “gullible.”
But I’m sure he hates being called a racist, right?
Absolutes. Gotta love ‘em.
Two more full pages on the two “heroes” who proved that volunteers at ACORN are stupid and lazy! And sometimes they exaggerate! And sometimes they lie! And sometimes they do illegal things!
Just like everyone that works at the Target in the Atlantic Center!
50 Cent wrote a book (Robert Greene helped)! The 50th Law will help your child grow up to be just like the former criminal/current flavor of Vitaminwater. Por ejemplo, when Fitty was a drug dealer and he found out that a competitor (Wayne) told some kid (Nitty) to kill him, he had to think things through.
If he tried to kill Wayne, Wayne might kill him (and it would be in self-defense!). If he killed Nitty, he’d go to prison. If he did nothing, he’d be killed by Nitty. But, clever purveyor of poison that he was, Fitty realized that Wayne was a punk (why didn’t he come after Fitty himself?), so he slashed Nitty on the cheek with a razor and shot up Wayne’s car. Nitty backed off and Wayne was exposed as a coward.
This made Fitty an even more respected drug dealer in his neighborhood.
All children should read this helpful guide. It’s like The Bible 2.0!
Now this is funny.
“Sources in the toy industry” say that sales of G.I. Joe figures are tracking “well below retail plans.”
And the video game based on the G.I. Joe movie sold 136,000 copies in the entire month of August. Batman: Arkham Asylum sold 593,000 between August 25th and August 30th.
So Hasbro made a killing on the movies based on their toys, but their toys are losing money. Maybe they should stop making toys entirely. I mean, blockbuster movies are much more profitable. Plus, movies have never been responsible for children getting lead poisoning.
Russell Simmons on why he enjoys coconut water:
“Do you know how many bananas I’d have to eat to get that much potassium? It’s so good for you. We don’t sit around smoking joints, we drink coconut water.”
Does this mean people are going to start killing each other over coconut water?
Hmmm. This full-page ad makes a good point. Maybe I should become a Checkers owner.
That would solve every problem I’ve ever had! Except for depression.
Unless… can you deep-fry depression?
I’ve made a few jokes about V.A. Musetto (the film editor of the Post) because he mainly reviews foreign movies starring sexy women (the sexier and more naked the woman, the more positive the review). But I haven’t noticed him doing that lately. So I’m willing to start again with a tabula rasa for Mr. Musetto.
Ah, today’s column (“Heidi’s Sex Adventure“) begins with a discussion of Bright Star.
“In the new Jane Campion film, Bright Star, Abbie Cornish portrays the teenage lover of 19th-century British poet John Keats. The film seethes with eroticism, but Cornish pretty much keeps her clothes on. If you just have to see the 27-year-old farmer’s daughter in the altogether, you’ll have to turn to her 2004 screen debut, Cate Shortland’s Somersault, which is available on DVD and the Sundance Channel.”
Then he describes two scenes where she’s naked. And a little bit about the plot. And he finishes with, “According to the gentlemen at mrskin.com, Cornish also does nudity in Candy (2006) — opposite Heath Ledger — and in A Good Year (2006).”
Pervertastic!
The guy in this week’s Meet Market “hates when girls engage in unladylike behavior — like burping!”
What do they say about beggars, again?
Bonus points for his description: “27-year-old Shawn is just as comfortable on the dance floor as he is in the hospital ward.”
Is there context available? Prolly, but I found my money sentence and am therefore moving on.
I cannot wait to see The Invention of Lying. But, and know that this comes from a place of love and respect, the trailer is pretty weak.
The Yankees are down 7-0 as I write this. Texas looks like they’ve given up on the season. Tampa Bay would have to plant nuclear bombs under Fenway Park to get into the playoffs.
So… I guess we’ll be facing Boston in a few weeks. Bring it, Beaners.
Joel Sherman lists his AL MVP choices. Mauer, Youkilis, Teixeira, Miguel Cabrera, Morales, Alex Rodriguez, Michael Young, Jeter, Abreu, Ichiro Suzuki.
Wait. You rank Jeter SEVENTH behind Teixeira (maybe) and Rodriguez (um… what?)?
Booooooooo.
I see what happened now.
The Post listed the Curb Your Enthusiasm preview as if it were the premiere (to be fair, it’s referred to as “Episode 00″ by HBO). But the actual no-foolin’ premiere is tonight.
Have a lovely evening and I’ll see bright and (relatively) early tomorrow!
If you’re “fine with” Obama not being a guest on your show, then why are you whining about how childish and petty it is for him to not come on your show?
Bonus points for patting yourself on the back for “driving the news.”
Saturday’s paper is always smaller than the other 6 days’. I understand that. But Tiday;s paper is only 60 pages long. The front page trumpets “22 PAGES OF SUPER SPORTS SATURDAY” which made me think about how many pages were actually “news.”
60 – 22 = 38. Take away the front and back page (whatever info they offer is repeated in greater detail inside) and the 2 pages of TV listings = 34. Remove the 9 pages of advertisements (that’s a low-ball figure if you take fractional ads into account) and you get 25 pages. For 75 cents. And that pommy bastard wants to start charging people to look at this stuff online? Ridonkulous.
Glenn Beck allegedly broke into the home of Irving Kristol last night and choked the 89-year-old father of the modern neo-conservative movement (and William) to death by vomiting into his mouth while gently caressing Kristol’s old man balls.
Kristol is survived by a faction of crazy people who believe Obama wants to brainwash their children through the TV box and kill their old folk with them there death panels.
“This 24/7 lockdown life is slowly driving me insane and killing [me].”
That was written in a recent response to a fan letter by Mr. Phil Spector. Using my detective skills, I was able to find the full response. This is an E…W. exclusive.
“Dear Sally,
Thank you so much for your beautiful letter. Getting mail from fans like you helps pass the time and take Phil Spector’s mind of the constant ridicule and occasional butt sex. Here are the answers to your questions (in order): Phil Spector owns 173 wigs but has access to exactly NONE of them. I did not want to originally call it ‘the Great Wall of Sound’ and the Chinese government never sued Phil Spector for copyright infringement — you owe your friend a dollar. I have two personalities that live in Phil Spector’s head — there is me (the author of this letter) and Phil Spector (the guy who loves beating up women and forcing guns into their stupid mouths), but I barely notice most days. Phil Spector never thought of it that way, but yes, it is weird that Robert Ludlum’s name is bigger on the cover than the name of the guy who actually wrote the book. This 24/7 lockdown life is slowly driving me insane and killing Phil Spector. My favorite ice cream is chocolate chocolate chip, but Phil Spector never shuts up about banana marshmallow (he’s crazy).
I would very much enjoy hearing from you again. And Phil Spector says hello.
Sincerely,
(calliope music)”
I would like to put up an updated production of Neil Simon’s The Out-of-Towners featuring Khadafy and Ahmadinejad as the couple that New York destroys. Now Khadafy will stay in the Libyan Mission, but not because The Pierre was about to make him give up his reservations (which is what the Barclay Intercontinental did to the Iranian President). He’s doing it to avoid such controversy. Guests at The Pierre were told to expect Khadafy as soon as tomorrow, and they complained. A lot. But The Pierre wouldn’t budge.
So, if you’re asked to recommend a hotel in New York City, try not to recommend the Pierre. However, if you’re asked to recommend a sexual position that requires (among other things) chili and saran wrap, you can’t go wrong with the Pierre.
Big piece about how the 5 guys accused of rape will forever have tarnished reputations and how the only reason they’re all free is because one guy taped the consensual group sex.
I apologize, again, for letting my shitty newspaper dictate my reaction to news and for jumping the gun on you guys. Because so many women fail to report their attacks, our society is conditioned to automatically believe the accuser in the hopes of getting more women to come forward. Sadly, that means that if a woman decides to make up a bullshit story (so her boyfriend won’t break up with her, to make someone jealous, for attention, or for any other reason), the defendant(s) have to disprove the allegation, especially in the eyes of the media. The fact that 2 of the 5 of you were cousins and that most of you didn’t know this woman’s name? In today’s society, no one even blinks at that; that aspect of the story got lost between “You’re all evil rapists” and “You’re all innocent victims.” Just be grateful that you’re getting as much positive coverage (if not more since you were really only rapists for a day) and you did negative.
And remember the moral of this story: Always record your sex, kids.
They said it wouldn’t last. But three years later, when I tell them that they were right, they stare blankly at me and try to remember who I’m talking about.
Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are getting a divorce.
For the answer to the question you just asked (“who?”), well, that’s why God created Google.
Rebecca Gayheart, co-star of the most boring sex tape I’ve ever seen (and there were 2 ladies even!) is three months pregnant and having severe morning sickness.
I like to think it’s the ghost of Jorge Cruz, Jr. fucking with you, Rebecca.
Andrea Peyser’s piece on Oprah’s live taping in Central Park (SHE’S THE BIG SHILL) really feels like it was an extremely venomous piece that got whittled down by an editor. But that assumes that someone actually reads Andrea Peyser (besides me). She hates on Oprah’s guests, her dress (and how it fit), her fans… but having read this harpy for many years, it just feels like her punches are pulled. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. Or maybe I’m just reading Andrea Peyser too much.
Daniel Jones, “a leader in the Jedi church in England” is considering a lawsuit against his local supermarket. They asked him to leave because he refused to remove “his ceremonial hood.”
“It’s part of my religious right. It’s discrimination,” he said between fistfuls of Combos.
I say again, homosexuals: Declare yourself a religion. Do as the sad Star Wars-worshipping fatties do.
I learned something new today!
Puma and Adidas (the shoe companies) were founded in Germany by two feuding brothers who had different political opinions.
The two companies (after 61 years of animosity and competition) have agreed to compete in a friendly soccer match.
Chancellor Merkel, tear down this insole!
Jonah Goldberg explains how absolutely no racism exists in the opposition to Obama (not even a teensy bit!). ALL of it comes from liberals.
The worst thing I can wish on Jonah is that the Post updates his photo.
Just about every letter to the editor today echoes Jonah’s sentiment. Jimmy Carter gets called a whole bunch of names (racist! narcissist! troublemaker! dangerous old fool! worst president of the modern era!) and some old lonely people get to feel better about themselves.
I may start taking Saturdays off.
Google and Apple are getting all up in each other’s grills.
Did Apple ban Google Voice? Or is Google full of doodies?
This battle could get hilariously ugly…
Dan Aquilante reviews the latest VH1 Divas special (hosted by Paula Abdul!) and says that the Divas (Miley Cyrus[?], Jordin Sparks[?], Leona Lewis[?], Kelly Clarkson[?] and Adele[?]) all performed quite well (did the definition of Diva change recently?), but the host was terrible (!).
Apparently, Paula poorly lip-synched a medley of her greatest hits and her attempts at humor drew silence. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone familiar with Little Ms. Echo Chamber.
Pearl Jam is releasing their new album themselves (yeah, stick it to The Man, guys!) and you can either buy it through their website (DIY! Woot!), iTunes (download that bad boy!), or exclusively at Target (yea… wait, what?).
Yeah, if you want to get the new album in tangible form, you gots to go to the Target.
ADDENDUM: According to Pearl Jam, Target is the exclusive big box retailer, NOT the only store to carry it. “Independent record stores” will also carry it (though they’ll purchase 1/10000000000th the number of copies, so expect to pay much more for it at your local shop).
The Man remains unfazed.
A.O. Scott says of Jennifer’s Body that it “deserves — and is likely to win — a devoted cult following…” which seems less complimentary than condescending to me… but I guess that was the nicest thing anyone has said so far about the comic horror movie (that early reports claim is neither scary nor funny). At least the ad doesn’t mention the 30 seconds of girl-on-girl kissing!
Oh, the humanity.
Mariano Rivera’s streak of 36 consecutive saves ended last night. He gave up a 2-run dinger to Ichiro Suzuki in the bottom of the 9th, giving Seattle a 3-2 win. That makes the washed-up jerk a pitiful 40-for-42 saves on the season.
God, he stinks. I hope they don’t re-sign him.
Magic number is 10 (3 for a spot in the playoffs).
Jay Leno’s new show-that-is-actually-The Tonight Show-but-let’s-pretend it-isn’t had 8,500,000 viewers on Thursday night.
A re-run of The Mentalist had 8,800,000.
That means that at least 17,300,000 Americans don’t have cable, internet access, or a life.
Get outside, peeps! It’s gorgeous out!
Rush Limbaugh has gone too far (again). Mark Williams, one of the “brains” behind the Tea Party Express, was asked by Anderson Cooper about the various protests he’s helped organize. He insisted that: a) they weren’t protesting anything, they were celebrating America; and b) his calling Obama “an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug” was accurate and defendable. Glenn Beck in on the cover of the new issue of Time Magazine and what excerpts I’ve read are infuriating (“The old American mind-set that Richard Hofstadter famously called ‘the paranoid style’ — the sense that Masons or the railroads or the Pope or the guys in black helicopters are in league to destroy the country — is aflame again, fanned from both right and left. Between the liberal fantasies about Brownshirts at town halls and the conservative concoctions of brainwashed children goose-stepping to school, you’d think the Palm in Washington had been replaced with a Munich beer hall.“).
Intelligent design is not equally as credible as evolution.
Glenn Beck is not the same as Al Franken.
Concerns that government-run death panels are going to vote to kill your grandparents are not equal to concerns that you will have to sell your house to pay for your child’s medicine.
And the right and the left are not “equally fanning paranoia.”
I’m tired of compromising. I’m angry that the health-care reform that we need is being whittled down into a no-public-option boon for the insurance companies. And every Republican that continues to refuse to compromise (which is almost all of them) will get to crow, “See? It’s shit! That’s why I voted against it!” And Obama either doesn’t get this or believes that he should take the high road and keep trying to appeal to them.
That shrill Bachmann woman gets to propose an investigation in Congress to see who’s “pro-America and who’s anti-America” and she still has a job? No one is demanding her resignation? Really?
How dare the Democrats vote to rebuke the asshole (named Addison) who (erroneously) HECKLED THE FUCKING PRESIDENT?
When the Civil War starts, my wife and I will be in Buenos Aires. Call us when it’s over.
Hofstra ‘rape’ bombshell
WHY SHE LIED
Feared tag as tramp
According to Danmell Ndonye’s boyfriend (yikes), she lied to cops about being brutally gang-raped because she was afraid that people would think ill of her if they knew she was a willing participant. “I think she needs a psychologist. She probably felt like, ‘They’ll think I’m a slut,’” the boyfriend (oof) told The Post. Luckily, one of the guys who participated in the TOTALLY CONSENSUAL SEX filmed it all on his phone. When the po-po asked Danmell if the footage would back her story, she admitted that, actually, no it wouldn’t because she wasn’t raped. Not even a little.
Ironically, while I do think Danmell is a slut (sex with five strangers in a bathroom is kinda sorta the definition of the word), I now also think she is a selfish liar whose careless fabrications have forever tarnished at least five families’ lives (not to mention her boyfriend [ouch]).
Andrea Peyser does a sort of “greatest hits” column on the women who have cried “rape,” gotten national support , and were then proven to be liars.
I’m just tickled pink that The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton gets another shout-out for his part in the Tawana Brawley case.
Never forget.
Iranian President Mahmoud “I’m A Dinner, Jed!” Ahmadinejad was scheduled to speak at a function being held at the New York Helmsley Hotel. But once the hotel found out, they cancelled the function.
“Neither the Iranian Mission nor President Ahmadinejad is welcome at any Helmsley facility,” said a Helmsley spokesperson.
When reached for comment, Sherman Helmsley insisted that I stop calling him.
Ernie Anastos has apologized for his mangled words the other night (he meant to say “keep plucking that chicken” but it came out “keep fucking that chicken.”
He anounced on last night’s broadcast, “I apologize for my remarks to anyone who may have been offended.”
Then he thanked everyone at Fucks News.
Nada mas, Radames.
Radames Santiago, 18, is a student at St. John’s University. He posted messages on his Facebook page declaring that he was going to kill people on campus.
He has been charged with “making a terroristic threat.”
And “being so incredibly stupid that he posted this shit on his Facebook page.”
Ralph Peters (sorry, Vomit… no I got the name right this time — it’s Ralph Peters) is pretty mad about Obama shutting down Bush’s plans for a European missile shield. He thinks that Russia and Iran are cackling with glee and will surely start launching missiles tomorrow.
If Norm Macdonald and Mr. Rogers and Winston Churchill had a baby and then threw it down the stairs, it would look like Ralph Peters.
Police believe that Raymond Clark had help in killing and/or hiding the body of Annie Le. There may be a second arrest in the next day.
Clark’s fiancee also works at the lab. So does his sister and brother-in-law.
This gets more interesting every day (in a disturbing way).
Martha Stewart chastised Jessica Simpson in Us Weekly, regarding Simpson’s dog being snatched by coyotes. “It’s pretty sad. She should have watched it more closely, though. She should have been more careful.” And that’s an obvious thing.
Meanwhile, Simpson Twatted, “Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say it is a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby… why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.”
Isn’t that cute? It thinks it’s a mother!
Hey, Suzanne Somers! Why don’t you say something controversial about Patrick Swayze’s death to remind people that you’re still alive? Oh, I know! Say that Swayze was killed by his chemotherapy!
“They took a beautiful man” and “put poison in his body. Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins? I hate to be this controversial… but I have to speak out.”
Is that what you have to do? Not write one-woman shows that close before they open? Not write chillingly bad poetry?
I have a xerox copy of Touch Me: The Poems of Suzanne Somers somewhere in my folks’ basement. I was looking online for an example to put here, but couldn’t find any. So I went to Suzanne’s blog. And I read her “accomplishments” which included something that made me laugh out loud:
Founder of the Suzanne Somers Institute for the Effects of Addition on Families
This inspired me to found the Jed Resnik Institute of Typos and Misused Prepositions and Also Families.
And, in hindsight, yes. Swayze should have just eaten better. You have now officially out-stupided Chrissy Snow, SS!
Proof that Lady Gaga isn’t a man! She was a student at the Convent of the Sacred Heart on East 91st! Her real name is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta!
And I still don’t understand why she’s famous!
Barbra Streisand has awarded the runner-up in her “cute pet competition” the grand prize.
But the original winner (her dog’s breeder) gets to keep her grand prize.
So now there are two winners — the one whose victory was rigged and the one Babs was guilted into choosing.
I can’t wait to not hear about Barbra Streisand soon!
Katharine Heigl and her husband adopted a 10-month-old baby from Korea? Doesn’t Korea know what an ungrateful bitch she is?
On Page Six (today on page 12), there’s a picture of Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith (Will’s son) filming the remake of The Karate Kid (new title: The Kung Fu Kid).
What a terrific idea, Hollywood!
Be on the lookout for what could be the year’s funniest book: The Persecution of Sarah Palin and the Liberal War Against Red America by Matthew Continetti.
Apparently (and I’m in Matthew’s debt for pointing this out to me), Palin is not an idiot and a liar and a quitter. That’s just what the liberal media wanted you to think.
Poor Red America. When will the liberals stop fighting their hateful war against them?
The House approved a cutoff of all ACORN funding yesterday.
Quick! Someone tell Nancy Pelosi!
A 76-year-old man claims that Pedro Espada, Sr. (the most powerful Democrat in the state Senate and one of the biggest scumbags evah) encouraged his almost-as-reprehensible son (Alejandro, 30) to attack him and break his video camera (the 76-year-old had the audacity to ask Pedro, Sr. questions!) in 2008.
Alejandro would later plead guilty to second-degree harassment (which is a violation and NOT a “crime”) and agree to pay a $432 fine (for the broken camera). He was supposed to be sentenced yesterday, but the sentencing will now take place on November 9th. The victim also wants Pedro to be charged as an accessory.
Both of these men should be in prison (for many, many other reasons). I hope the judge throws many books at them.
Do I one day dream of going to one of the restaurants in this great nation of ours and ordering one of those ridiculously huge cheeseburgers? Yes.
Do I find the 185-pound $499.00 burger that Steve Mallie of Michigan is now selling to be an offensive waste of enough food to feed a small town? Yes.
His previous record-breaking burger weighed 134 pounds (the price of an “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger” was $350). Here’s a photo:
I can’t find a picture of the new burger that’ll fit on my blog.
You’ve done it again, Ralph Lauren!
A pair of shiny silver overalls that becomes a dress at the bottom? Bravo!
Keep making women ridiculous, Nancyboy!
Oh, look! The Octomom is feeding her eight screaming kids in the park (with the help of her 8-year-old son, Elijah)! Adorable!
Wait. Not adorable. What’s the other word? Oh. Right.
Criminally negligent!
So many editorials about what a pussy Obama is for caving in to Putin.
Sigh.
O’Reilly explains How Bam Can Bury the Scandal. His advice (and I promise that I am not making this up)?
Be a guest on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace.
“Wallace is no ideologue, and Fox News is dominating the national conversation right now. By avoiding Fox, the president looks weak. He is preaching to the choir on the network news shows. But the choir is obviously losing members. All the polls show that. So if I’m Barack Obama, I take the economy and the aggressive stuff I’m doing against al Qaeda and the Taliban, and I bring it over to the loyal oppositon. That would get some attention. And it might also bury the ACORN scandal in the process.”
Bill neglects to mention WHY Fox News is “dominating the national conversation” (or even what that conversation is). From where I’m sitting, the conversation is “Hey, have you noticed how a lot of people who watch Fox News religiously also believe that Glenn Beck believes what he tells them?” “I think they do everything religiously.” “Ha.”
And does anyone else find it funny that the guy on the cable news program (that you gotta pay extra for) believes that the only people watching “the network news shows” are Democrats? Even Fox, Bill?
But he’s also baiting a lot of meme-traps.
“By not coming onto my network (home of Sean Hannity, who likes to show edited footage of Obama answering questions and then reprimand Obama for not saying the things that he actually did say immediately after Hannity’s clip ends), you appear weak. Your absence is weakness. You’re scared of how truthy we are. Either you do as I say or you’re a coward with a fake birth certificate and a renegade Muslim agenda. B’also? Coming on Fox News would give you a chance to sweep ACORN under the rug. Isn’t that what you want to do? Try and hide it? Well, coming onto our network will help you do just that. Unless one of our telejournalists decides to show how truthy he is and tells you that, really, ‘that’s what all this is about, isn’t it?’ Remember: all the polls everywhere about everything agree with me — that’s science fact — and we’re ‘the loyal opposition’ where frequent guests include Michelle Bachmann who recently pleaded with fellow Republicans to slash their wrists and become blood brothers so that, no matter what, health-care reform doesn’t happen the way Obama feels it should happen. The way the majority elected him to make it happen.
When Bush would say things like “and you’re working hard to put food on your family” I always felt they were planned in advance. They were always too funny and I could never use them as debating tools (“Stop saying President Bush is dumb. He’s not dumb.” “I just saw him on TV saying, ‘I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully’ and then grinning as if he had just accomplished something notable.” “You sound ridiculous.” “HE sounds ridiculous! How can you not see that the guy who says “I was raised in a desert” — in a fake cowboy accent — was really every bit a member of the elite class as Kerry? And except for the odd sand trap and beach, THERE IS NO DESERT IN CONNECTICUT!” “You’re a raving lunatic.”)
So when Rush Limbaugh tells his audience that {Obama has created a new America and their White children will get beaten by Blacks (being cheered on by Blacks) if they get on a school bus (in Obama’s America, which is a different place than theirs [despite the laws of physics]) so maybe we should just segregate the buses and schools again because Whites are now the victim of this Black of questionable origins and affiliations}, and when Glenn Beck says that Obama hates all White people on national television without his bosses making him apologize (ironically Fox gave a very angry statement about Ernie Anastos following his flub, which is why he apologized the following night — but Glenn Beck’s disingenuous racism-stoking bon mot is OK), I’m back in that same blue-faced place, unable to explain calmly why I’m furious.
But I’ve let Howard Beale down because I (and tens of millions of others) continue to take it, despite being mad as Hell.
More ACORN-bashing, Michelle Malkin? Is it Friday already?
Boston finally lost a game last night, putting them 7 behind us, but still 6 games ahead of Texas. I think we’ll be seeing each oter in the playoffs.
In other baseball news, Bernie Williams’ instrumental album Going Forward has been nominated for a Latin Grammy!
Burnett starts tonight. And may God have mercy on our souls.
Kate Gosselin is putting together her own talk show. Paula Deen (who I liked up until this sentence) and two women I’ve never heard of are filming the pilot with her in Manhattan this weekend.
I am only in favor of this if VH1 picks up the show. That way, there’ll be a solid chance she’d wind up in a suitcase.
Oh no I dih-ih!
Actually, I dih. Have a lovely Friday! And force everyone in America to see something FUN at the multiplex this weekend, damnit!
Ernie Anastos has some ’splainin’ to do…
(is it just me or is he saying “Keep fucking that chicken”?)
I decided to treat myself to a bagel this morning and, while waiting for the expert doughsmiths at Terrace Bagels to toast my brekkies, I flipped through the headlines in the paper.
Today is a monster news day. Let’s start at the top, shall we?
The front page is a grainy photo of Raymond Clark (main suspect in the death of Annie Le) and an ex-girlfriend (they were high school sweethearts). They are both in Halloween costumes — she is wearing tiny devil horns on a headband; his entire face is painted red (the stubble is a nice touch), his eyes are surrounded by black circles, and his tiny devil horns are on his forehead. The Post says he is dressed as Hellboy, but the horns are all wrong and there’s no cigar in his mouth, so I’m skeptical.
But that ex-girlfriend, so happy in the photo, filed a police report against him in 2003 claiming he vandalized her locker (because he wanted to break up). While talking to police about the incident, she also mentioned the time Raymond forced her to have sex. But no charges were filed, just the report.
According to their HS yearbook, Raymond was also a member of the Asian Awareness Club.
Creepy.
Poor Governor Paterson.
He proposed that Nancy Shevell, the MTA board member who prefers touching Paul McCartney’s old man balls in Europe to attending crucial board meetings, be fired. So she cast the only dissenting vote against the enormous pay package being offered to Paterson’s incoming MTA chief, Jay Walder.
Shevell’s term is up in 2011. But she was good friends with David Mack, who was publicly humiliated recently when his claims of “helping the State Trooper investigation” were revealed to be lies and he resigned from the MTA board.
I think that if Paterson had any kind of support from NYC, he could oust Shevell. But he doesn’t. So he can’t.
In fact, his approval rating is once again diminishing. It’s now at 20%.
I hate the MTA.
Chris Brown, clad in a reflective orange vest, reflective orange gloves and (o, irony of ironies!) a wife-beater, was pulling weeds in Richmond, Virginia yesterday on Day One of his 180-day community service sentence.
Chris Twatted “MY HEART IS INCOMPLETE” on Tuesday, later replacing it with “sorry yall, just one of thise days.” He also posted a YouTube performance of his song “Changed Man” featuring dozens of photos of Brown and Rihanna.
Please let that be a violation of his sentence.
According to the UN, the number of websites featuring images of child pornography quadrupled between 2003 and 2007. Currently, estimates say that over 4,000,000 such sites are live.
So, I guess, if you call a model “a skank” then they’ll hunt you down and drag you into court, but if you’re posting photos of kiddie rape, then you’re golden.
Well done, earth.
Page 6 (not Page Six) features a full-color sidebar featuring “The best columnists”: Michael Goodwin (Sunday & Wednesday), Andrea Peyser (Monday & Thursday), Richard Johnson (Every day), and Cindy Adams (Every day).
Now, we all know that Michelle Malkin has Shannen Doherty eyes. But what I never noticed in that Andrea Peyser also has oddly-crafted eyes.
It’s clearer in the tiny photo of the paper, but one eye opens more than the other (a lazy eye for a lazy reporter? glass eye for the straight guy?).
P.S. – Those four are far from the best ANYTHING, let alone columnists.
ACORN shut down its recently-embarrassed housing programs while promising to “clean… house” while “re-establishing the public trust.”
The Senate overwhelmingly passed an amendment to freeze government funding of ACORN, but when asked about it, Nancy “More Harm Than Good” Pelosi responded thusly:
“I don’t even know what they passed. What did they do? They defunded it?”
Outstanding. Could one of the Democrats that actually cares about how their party is perceived by the nation do something about Nancy? And Rangel? Pretty please?
Let me see if I have this right.
The Republicans refuse to support any health-care reform, so the Democrats are compromising huge chunks of the bill… which the Republicans still won’t support.
Senator Max Baucus(D-Vermont)’s brand-new health-care plan has no public option.
The more I read about this, the angrier I am (and the happier I am that I don’t have kids — I shudder to imagine the distant future).
Mary Travers (of Peter, Paul and Mary) died at age 72 of leukemia.
Henry Gibson died at age 73 of cancer.
Burt Reynolds, 73, recently completed 30 days of rehab (he was “a prisoner of prescription pain pills”) and isn’t dead yet.
Sigh.
Now comes the reason for today’s title.
The Hofstra student who told police that five men gang-raped her recanted her claim last night. All four men in custody were released.
“Late [last night]… the alleged victim of the sexual assault admitted that the encounter that took place early Sunday morning was consensual,” said Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice. “I have launched an immediate investigation into the statements and reports given by this woman in connection with this incident.”
So it appears that my animosity towards the five (alleged) rapists was misguided. I apologize to the four whose names I sullied (and the fifth, wherever he may be).
Now? All my animosity is aimed at Danmell Ndonye, 18, Hofstra student and person responsible for falsely accusing five men of brutally raping her.
Oddly, the DA says the sex was consensual, but some of the guys said they never had sex. So either Danmell slept with 5 guys consensually and called it rape or she slept with some consensually and called it rape or she didn’t sleep with any of them and called it rape. Unfortunately, my newspaper is awful so I don’t know which is the case.
But whichever the case may be, she’s a jerk.
The National Legal and Policy Center filed a formal complaint against Charles Rangel. They contacted the Ethics Committee and complained about all the taxes Rangel never paid and repeatedly “forgot about.”
Once again proving that your 6-year-old (or Yoda) could work at the Post, the article features this sentence: “The committee already is investigating Rangel.”
Hardly wait for the outcome I can.
O slaps Carter over race line
President Carter said he thought racism was a motivating factor in Addison Wilson’s heckling of Obama. Obama’s spokesperson said that Obama disagrees.
I find the Post’s use of “slaps” to be motivated by racism.
Is Chris Dodd a shitty politician? Yes. Is he the lesser of two evils? YES.
His newest contender is the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, Linda McMahon (wife of Vince). Her credentials? Bret “The Hit Man” Hart once compared her to Margaret Thatcher. If memory serves, Hart is the wrestler who fell to his death during one of Linda’s staged events.
Linda McMahon is the best Connecticut Republicans can do? I’d sooner vote for Lieberman.
Actually, no I wouldn’t.
Oh, Barbra Streisand. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Her fans (?!) have accused her of rigging a “cute pet competition” so that her friend could win tickets to her upcoming Village Vanguard show (um… couldn’t you just put her on the list, Babs?). When Page Six (today on page 16) “investigated,” the results of the contest were nullified and a new winner will be picked shortly.
See, the person who originally “won” is Streisand’s dog’s breeder.
And now you, too, know far too much about Barbra Streisand and her upcoming Village Vanguard show.
OMG! Was Mischa Barton totally smashed the other night, despite her TV bosses telling her not to be?
According to someone at a party at the Bowery Hotel (who saw her at the front desk), “She kept saying, in a really spacey, weird British accent, ‘Like, I’m with the deejay. I totally know the deejay. I’m here for the deejay.’ She was slurring her words.”
The spy also claims that she “needed to be escorted to the deejay booth” where she proceeded to “stand for about an hour, dancing in her own world. I don’t think her eyes were open to full capacity — or even half capacity — the whole time she was there.”
Go on with your talentless self, Mischa! And smoke more cigarettes!!!
There’s also a photo in Page Six (today on page 20) that’s supposed to be Ricky Gervais and Jennifer Garner.
It’s definitely Gervais, but that can’t be Garner. Can it?
Anna Wintour wore the same coat twice in six days.
How did this avoid coverage on the front page?
After looking at today’s featured Fashion Week outfits, I have come to the conclusion that fashion designers have issues. Especially you, Alexandre Herchcovitch.
Fun fact: Henry Gibson’s real name was James Bateman.
Remember John Allen Muhammad? The sniper?
He’ll be executed on November 10th.
Good.
Not sure how many people watched the first 2 nights of The Jay Leno Show. I only know that there were 7,000,000 less viewers on the second night.
The law is a ass.
A woman in Wisconsin dressed up in a gorilla suit and went to a number of gas stations where she stole Styrofoam bananas from ad displays. It took a while, but police figured out who she is.
However, she now lives in Montana. The po-po did some quick math and decided that extradition wasn’t worth the cost (Styrofoam isn’t very expensive), so the charges have been dropped.
Not speaking French saves lives.
An Aer Lingus flight attendant thought the tape being played to the passengers was describing normal landing procedures in French. Actually, it was announcing an emergency landing. The non-French-speaking passengers remained calm while French-speaking passengers freaked out.
Moral of the story: no one should ever speak French.
Barf Tools (sorry, Ralph Peters) has a whatever-you-do-don’t-think-piece titled “AFGHAN EXCUSES Political correctness kills our troops” that claims that when American soldiers call for fire support in Afghanistan, they are told, “Are you 100 percent sure there are no civilians in the area? Sorry, you are on your own.”
Just curious — has political correctness killed as many American troops as Halliburton?
Norman Borlaug died at 95. Don’t know who he was? Watch this:
A true hero. Rest in peace, Norman.
The editorial “Red Herrings” is hilarious for many reasons.
1) They keep calling Addison Wilson “Joe”!
2) They say that “Joe” violated decorum when he heckled the POTUS, “and never mind that he had facts to back him up.” Um… really? He had facts to back him up? You mean the “facts” that were immediately discredited?
3) They say that the Congress rebuking “Joe” was “because the left sniffed blood (and never mind all the ‘Bush lied’ quips by such leftist saints as the late Ted Kennedy).”
a) Not only did Bush lie many, many, many times, but many. many Americans died as a result of those lies.
b) “Quip” is a condescending term that belittles its inherent truth.
c) Oh, is it time to go back to shitting on Teddy? I thought after your fawning eulogies that you’d decided to let him rest in peace. Silly me.
4) “Alas, for [Democrats], the Wilson distraction isn’t likely to change the terms of the health-care debate. Americans are just too smart for this.” Flattery will get you nowhere. You can’t brush Wilson’s heckling off as a non-issue, while simultaneously pointing at 8 years ago and screaming “B’also, they did it, too!!!!”).
5) The gigantic headline above the letters column next to the editorial complaining that Wilson’s apology to Obama and Biden should have been more than enough? For Thuggish Celebs, ‘Sorry’ Doesn’t Cut It (folks wrote in to complain about Kanye and Serena and their bullshit apologies).
An insincere FORCED apology behind closed doors is enough for Addison “Not Joe” Wilson’s despicable outburst? Americans are just too smart for that. At least, the ones who can breathe through their noses.
Michelle Malkin (how did she get bumped from the “best columnists” sidebar?!?) writes about ACORN and why Charles Gibson is a member of the “ostrich media” who refuse to cover ACORN and why ACORN is pure evil.
I wish she would fall down a flight of stairs. Like the one from The Exorcist.
Citibank is about to start a gigantic ad blitz in the hopes of boosting its image. Is it time to buy more stock in Citi yet?
Beyonce wants to call her new perfume Sasha Fierce. Abercrombie & Fitch already has a fragrance called Fierce.
They’ll be fighting this one out in court.
Your tax dollars at work.
Twitter is now valued at $1,000,000,000.
Unfortunately, the company can only withdraw $140 at a time.
Marlee Matlin is developing a sitcom at Showtime called Talk to the Hand.
Well played, Showtime.
Boston has won their last 7 games. Texas has lost their last 4. Tampa Bay has lost 9 of their last 10.
Sigh.
Well, our magic number is now 11 (4 for the playoffs).
The last time the Yankees had 4 players with 25 or more home runs in a single season (Matsui, Teixeira, Rodriguez and Swisher) was Gehrig, DiMaggio, Dickey and Gordon — in 1938.
Posada was suspended for three games (which turned out well last night — back-up catcher Francisco Cervelli hit a walk-off single in the 9th).
Never a dull moment…
Community airs tonight. I watched the pilot on Facebook weeks ago and while it certainly wasn’t bad, it also wasn’t hilarious. I love Joel McHale, Ken Jeong, John Oliver… the creators are funny, Chevy Chase was once funny… there’s a lot going for the show. Maybe I’ll check episode 2 next week. As for Linda Stasi’s review:
“Episode 2 is much better than Episode 1, but not so much better that I’ll spend four minutes DVRing Episode 3.”
It takes you four minutes to DVR something? Wow.
Paula Abdul spent too long being coy. So You Think That’s The Kind Of Dancing That People Would Want To Watch On Their TV? Seriously? had asked her to be a judge. She seemed interested. They waited. And waited.
Adam Shankman, the cinema whiz behind Hairspray, Step Up and 17 Again will be the new judge. Not Paula.
Poor Paula.
The Jay Leno Show went from 18,400,000 viewers to 11,100,000 viewers in one night. And the right-wingers are actually claiming it’s due mostly to Michael Moore being on the show (I’m not kidding).
Oh, MTV. You so meta.
The network that used to have something to do with music has ordered 12 episodes of Warren the Ape. Warren is a puppet (ape) that used to be famous. He wants to resurrect his Hollywood career, so he goes on a reality show for celebrities.
Does Warren sound familiar? That’s because he used to be on Greg the Bunny. Remember that show? Me neither.
Other MTV series that have gotten the go-ahead: Hard Times (about a teenager with a huge dick), Teen Wolf (about a teenager who’s also a huge werewolf) and Skins (a remake of the hit BBC series).
It’s only a matter of time before Ashley Dupre gets her own show.
Michael Starr finally gets to write an honest-to-God article! With pictures even! It’s who should (and who will) win Emmys this Sunday!
For Best Actor in a Drama, he thinks Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) should win. As for who will, “The industry’s overblown love affair with Mad Men means Jon Hamm again.”
For Best Drama, he thinks Breaking Bad should win. As for who will, “Mad Men, in more of Tinseltown’s ‘it’s the best thing ever!’ hysteria.”
Unless the cast and crew of Mad Men raped and killed his parents and forced Michael to watch, I find his constant hating on the show to be out of place. Especially for a guy who spends his days regurgitating press releases. Seriously, jerk. Stop shitting on Mad Men.
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
Friday is tomorrow! Then… weekend!
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