Archive for September, 2009
Many thanks to the many folks who’ve been recommending E… W. to their many friends.
Reciprocal praise (that is entirely worthy and in no way obligatory) to BOC at www.brianjamesoconnell.com, where words are also made into funny.
And now, the shitty news.
New column starts today
Michael Goodwin joins the Post
Gee. I wonder who this guy is. Let’s do a Google search. First thing that pops up: this.
Now I’m no brain specialist, but isn’t Michael’s piece where he reads into why the left hates Sarah Palin (primarily because she’s a Republican, as it happens, and not because she’s a disingenuous dimwit and a liar and a quitter, you betcha) eerily similar to the right’s accusations that Joe Wilson is being called a racist merely because he has the audacity to question The Messiah Obama?
“After all, contempt for Republicans is the only socially acceptable prejudice remaining among many educated people today.”
Ah, but if it’s the prejudice of the intelligent, maybe it’s more valid than, say, telling a Black woman to keep her relationship with her White father a secret so as not to “smear” his reputation (as a longtime segregationist! LOL!).
And Joe isn’t even Wilson’s real fucking name! How stupid are you mouth-breathers? His name is Addison. You want to vote for a guy named Addison? Sounds like an arugula eater. Sounds like a street you’d build a ballpark on, not a God-fearing politician. Joe the Plumber wasn’t named Joe. Joe Wilson isn’t named Joe. But they’re regular Joes just like you! Except that they aren’t! At all!
“A similar blind spot toward the political ‘other’ explains much of the contempt for Palin. If she were a Democrat, her unusual life would be spun into a compelling narrative that would make her the darling of the coastal elite.”
Basically, the article can be summed up like so: the left wing is guilty of unfairly lumping everyone on the right, especially Sarah Palin, into a amorphous blob that they deride unfairly. But if Sarah Palin was a Democrat, she’d be fawned over and the left wing, who are an amorphous blob of elitism, would never shut up about her retard kid.
Welcome to the Post, Michael. You’ll fit in beautifully.
Also making the front page is the handsome lab technician at Yale who was picked up by cops investigating the death of Annie Le. His name is Raymond Clark. They’re taking his DNA samples. If he cooperates, they say he’ll be released (he remains only a “person of interest”) while they run tests (which will take approximately a week).
Who wants to bet that he skips town? Or kills himself?
Goodwin won a Pulitzer? For a series of editorials about the Apollo Theater? Huh. And he’s married to the president of Hunter College? Maybe I was wrong about him.
Wait. It says he describes himself as “a centrist Democrat.”
Pull the other one, Goodwin. The Post don’t want no Defeatocrats on their payroll no how.
(dances, fires guns into air)
Page 4 is a full-page Macy’s ad featuring a woman who looks just like Katharine Heigl, but without the contempt for the people who made her rich and famous.
Two (more) full pages on ACORN.
The two “undercover activists” who so deftly disguised themselves as extras from The Mack, have new videos! This new one shows an ACORN staffer saying that she killed her husband and got away with it! And she was a madam! And she says that all liberals would give loans to pimps to open whorehouses!
And the pimp (real name: who cares?) used to do this sort of thing by himself. He made a hilarious tape where he went to Planned Parenthood and got them to agree to earmark his donations for the abortions of African-American babies! LOL! And those scumbags agreed! Can you believe it? They said “OK” and accepted his money! That they used to help people who need it! MISERABLE FUCKERS!!!1!
LI ObamaCare ‘robbers’
What can one take away from this headline? Anything positive about the POTUS? No? Maybe something evil about ObamaCare and what it will steal from you? Maybe?
Well, actually, “a crew of violent thugs” posed as volunteers and told an old woman that they could help her save money, she let them in. They shot one man 4 times and her in the foot. Then they pistol-whipped her mother and fled with $4,000.
Which is why I am against the public option.
Key-ripes.
Goodwin’s page is weirdly laid out. On the bottom is a quote by Victor Davis Hanson which proclaims that Nanc Pelosi proves that “influence peddling and corruption are bipartisan sins: Those out of power allege them, those in power commit them.”
Um, Victor? The GOP is out of power and just as corrupt as the Dems. I hate Pelosi and Rangel, too, but your quote (and Goodwin’s love of it) is flowery but {blindly partisan at best, purposefully misleading at worst.}
And over on the right, there’s a mini-column: Are there racists in America? Do bears…?
Here, Mikey lumps all of the left’s accusations of racism into an amorphous blob (with not a single example given!) and says they’re false. “The claim among some Democrats that opposition to President Obama is proof of racism is preposterous, yet it’s a dangerous turn.” You’ve got to be kidding me, right?
Hey, Goodwin, still beat your wife? No? So, you’ve stopped beating your wife. No? So, you still beat your wife. No? Then I’ll run with “Goodwin angrily denies beating wife” as my headline, OK?
Your opening sentence is pure smoke and mirrors. No Democrat thinks that all opposition to Obama is race-based. But if you can’t see that the outburst of Addison “Not Joe” Wilson (who voted to keep the Confederate flag flying over the state house in 2000; who voted to give hospitals money to treat illegal immigrants in 2003 [he recently changed his mind on that one -- in fact, he booed the President for agreeing with his new position!]; who accused Democrat Bob Filner of “hating America” because he paid attention to American history; who is a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans — a group that regularly practices “heritage defense”; who believed that Strom Thurmond’s biracial daughter coming forward “diminished” Strom’s legacy) during the Black POTUS’s speech wasn’t in some part rooted in the fact that he’s proud to fly the Confederate flag and wishes the Civil War turned out differently, then you are either in denial or a moron.
Goodwin’s main article is about why Bill Thompson can defeat Mike Bloomberg, which pushes the needle away from “in denial” and towards “a moron.”
I love that people (especially J. Lo!) were offended by Joe Jackson’s bring a hot, young singer as his date to the VMAs. Of all the things this man did in his life, THAT’S what bothers you?
Comedian Pat Cooper made an off-color joke while eating dinner on Staten Island, offending a fellow patron. Cooper apologized and then gave the man two tickets to his upcoming show.
Let’s hope Pat’s stage show isn’t offensive.
(ha!)
Yankee Stadium is reducing the prices on their seats for the 2010 season. Instead of being insanely expensive, they will now be ridiculously expensive.
Some restrictions apply.
More details on the Hofstra student. She was at a frat party where Jesus Ortiz, 19, stole her phone. She demanded it back, but he just walked back to his dorm. She followed him inside. They rode the elevator to the 11th floor. Jesus’ friend, Stalin Felipe, 19, started hitting on her, she declined. Once there, she was tied up, forced into a bathroom stall and raped by Jesus and Stalin (didn’t I see that sign at the 9/12 rally?). Shortly thereafter. three more men showed up. She begged for help, not realizing they were all friends of the first two rapists. Rondell Bedward, 21, and Kevin Taveras, 20, along with Jesus and Stalin, are in custody. The fifth man has been identified and police are searching for him.
Why is there a 25-year maximum for these scumbags? Why can’t they die in a cement box, being raped and desperately trying to remember what “outside” looks like?
Voter turnout yesterday was less than 12%.
As soon as Cyrus Vance, Jr. was elected to replace Robert Morgenthau, 90, as Manhattan DA, Morgenthau whispered, “free…” and turned into a plume of dust and fillings.
Ashley Dupre walked the catwalk at Fashion Week! For Bahar Shahpar! And Russell Simmons was there!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
From Cindy Adams:
“Sir Anthony O’Reilly, than whom you can’t hardly get any richer except maybe for his Greek shipping heiress wife who has even more, may be running on empty.”
So, he couldn’t be richer and also he’s broke? Why are you still above ground?
Charlie Rangel is angry that Obama slashed his health-care reform budget from $1,000,000,000,000 to $900,000,000,000. “He ignored our funding mechanism completely,” he wheezed.
I think more people should ignore Rangel. Especially his funding mechanism.
Why Penthouse has a letters section:
A man and woman decided to have sex in a dumpster in Wichita, Kansas. Two robbers interrupted them and used a pocketknife to take their money, jewelry and shoes.
I wonder what kind of jewelry someone wears to fuck in a dumpster…
Jessica Simpson’s Maltese-poodle, Daisy, was snatched by a coyote — while she looked on in vapid horror! Neighbors reported “we heard yelling and screaming from the direction of Jessica’s house.” But they just assumed she was recording another horrible album.
Wow. Lots of readers complained about that Gehrig-smashing-his-TV-in-Heaven “political” cartoon.
Nice.
If you subscribe to The Wall Street Journal, you’ll be charged $1/week to access it through your BlackBerry or iPhone. If you don’t subscribe, you’ll pay $2/week. Rupert Murdoch is also looking to institute either a subscription fee or a pay-per-view model for hulu.com.
Keep grasping at those straws, Rupe.
Lou Lumenick has a piece on the TIFF. It focuses solely on movies wherein actresses kiss. Jennifer’s Body (really? girls kiss in that?) features Amanda Seyfried kissing Megan Fox. Seyfried has sex with Julianne Moore in Chloe. Moore kisses a lady in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.
Now THAT’S film criticism!
The magic number remains 12 (we got creamed by Toronto), but the Rangers’ loss moves our playoff number to 6.
Here’s how Posada got ejected (you don’t need to watch the whole thing; this was just the best footage I could find [though the final line of narration when Sabathia bear-hugs Posada to take him to the dugout -- "Sabathia with the save" -- is pretty witty]).
O, Canada… you fight like lit-tle girls…
No one knows yet what the ultimate penalties for everyone will be. Stay tuned
Happy New Comics Day. See you in 24.
And by “you” I mean “Mac.”
While it’s always a pleasure to chat with my old pal, yesterday’s call was especially enjoyable. We talked politics, Jay Leno’s new show, and Mac’s enjoyment of my seemingly newly-re-invigorated blog. I, playing the part of the self-important tool, neglected to ask him about his improv coaching, but that’s my excuse to call him back. Eventually.
Mac said that he’s been recommending E…W. to his friends (as Rich Sommer and Ricky Carmona and others have done), which made me happy. While I do get some catharsis from writing this (and amusing my 10 regular readers), it’d be great to broaden the readership.
So. Start pestering your friends. If I don’t read about this blog in tomorrow’s trades, you’re all fired.
Page 2 is an ad for the lottery. Page 3 is (almost entirely) a review of Jay Leno’s “new” show by Linda Stasi.
Linda loved it (!). Here is her pick for last night’s “Showstopper.”
I agree, except she meant that in a complementary way. Kudos to Leno the Segue King (“Are you ready to sing now that I invoked your dead mother?”).
NBC’s schedule, ladies and gentlemen. For every 30 minutes of 30 Rock, they give you 5 hours of Jay Leno’s 10:00 Tonight Show (followed by 5 hours of The Tonight Show)(and 5 hours of Fallon).
Almost 2 full pages (not to mention a nice-sized chuck of the front page) on ACORN. Apparently, the DA is investigating them. The Senate voted 83-7 to strip its funding. And that goofy fake pimp photo gets two more print runs.
Don’t see anything about how reports of the 6-figure turnout for Glenn Beck’s parade of missing teeth were greatly exaggerated (just like their fears and idea[r]s!). Or an in-depth look at why (contrary to all those signs that were at said parade) the death panels are a myth or why Joe Wilson was wrong in both message and method. Or a rational and even-handed look at the healthcare crisis. But I’m sure that’s just around the corner…
Are they going to ban smoking in New York’s public parks and city beaches?
We don’t smoke anymore, so go ahead.
Government scientists (remember a few ago when that was a contradiction?) believe that 1 out of every 3 male smallmouth bass in the U.S. have features of both sexes. They say the same about 1 in every 5 largemouth bass.
They blame hormones (like estrogen from women’s birth control) “that seep into the nation’s rivers.”
They also claim that the smallmouth bass feel better.
That lab technician at Yale? The one who failed the FBI’s lie detector test? The one who can’t seem to come up with a good excuse for the scratches on his chest? The one who abruptly stopped answering the cops’ questions and demanded a lawyer?
He’s in custody. Charges should be filed by the time you read this. Hopefully Annie’s family (and that of her fiancee) will get some closure from his inevitable prosecution (unless the defendant can afford a really good lawyer — then it’s anyone’s guess what’ll happen).
Anand Jon Alexander is a hot fashion designer who was sentenced to 59 years to life for sexually assaulting 7 young women and girls to whom he had promised modeling gigs (hot!). He faces similar charges in Texas and New York.
He asked for a mistrial because one of the jurors of his trial “tried to start up a romance with” Anand’s sister.
That juror, Alvin Dymally, was just fined $1,000 and sentenced to 120 hours of community service.
I have unearthed grainy recordings of Alvin’s come-ons to Anand’s sister. Best as I can tell, they included:
“You know 59 women are accusing your brother of brutally raping them… want to grab a bite?”
“You look like someone that could use a shoulder to cry on, or… a modeling gig. Just kidding.”
“After listening to all those girls on the stand, I’m horny. Interested?”
“I may be too stupid to get out of jury duty, but I don’t have to be smart to know what I want to insert my penis in.”
Qns. ‘Qaeda’ raid
Bomb search at homes visited by terror suspect
18 paragraphs in this article. It’s all about the suspects, why the NYPD and FBI went in, what they were looking for…
Paragraph #17 is one sentence long: “No materials were found, sources said.”
What’s to like about the MTA?
Harry Rupnarine is a transit cop. He loved Sukhdeo Hardat. She didn’t love him back. So he shot her — point blank — in the back of her head. She died. He told cops that he was trying to protect her from “two knife-wielding thugs.”
Rupnarine’s trial is currently ongoing. Just like my hatred of the MTA.
B’also? The MTA will soon be testing “seatless subway cars.” Yet another way we’re becoming Japan.
Kyle Smith’s poignant eulogy for Patrick Swayze begins, “Everybody put Patrick Swayze in the corner, at the intersection of bruiser and ballet dancer.”
If you know what this is supposed to mean, please call me.
The Ukrainian government says that Elton John can’t adopt the 14-month-old HIV-positive orphan he “fell in love with” because he is too old and not married.
Whew! That kid almost had a family and a life outside of a freezing-cold orphanage! Great job, Family, Youth and Sports Minister Yuriy Pavlenko!
Now, if the Ukrainian government had said, “he might outlive the child and then he would re-write “Candle in the Wind” for the boy and we’d rather nip that in the bud,” then I would be on their side.
Katy Perry made out with John Mayer on Friday and Russell Brand on Sunday! And she liked it!
Rue McClanahan recently re-told the story of her husband spotting Bea Arthur drinking alone at Sardi’s. He introduced himself as Rue’s husband, to which Bea replied, “Rue, I love. Betty White’s a cunt!”
I still can’t believe Estelle Getty was the youngest.
Jeremy Piven has slapped the Public Theater with a cease and desist letter for their new show, The Piven Monologues.
The show has actors reading messages posted online regarding Piven’s battle with mercury poisoning.
And Eve Ensler is suing because she already wrote a show called The Vagina Monologues and there can’t be two shows with the same name.
Anybody out there see that light show in the sky last Wednesday? It was pretty, right?
But do you know why the sky looked all sparkly like that?
The space shuttle Discovery emptied its urine tanks.
Science is gross.
Polls are open today until 9:00 p.m.
If you still have a shred of faith in the system, vote.
In the interest of making himself even shadier, Hiram Monserrate will forgo a jury trial. He opted for a bench trial, which I would imagine is easier to control.
He faces 7 years in the pokey and the loss of his filthy Senate seat.
Rick Lazio is running for governor!
He’ll lose! By a lot!
Score another point for community colleges.
A student at Hofstra University was gang-raped by five men early Sunday morning.
Cops have four of the five suspects in custody (one of the four is a fellow Hofstra student).
I hope all of them get the chance to play cards with Hiram Monserrate soon.
How incredibly stupid are the folks in Lansdale, Pennsylvania? The two guys running for mayor (including the guy who already is) staged an inflatable sumo wrestling match (between themselves, natch) to drum up interest in voting.
Know your audience, I guess. Know your incredibly stupid audience.
Serena Williams took time off from denying she threatened the life of that line judge in order to apologize to that line judge for threatening her life.
Geoffrey Robertson has an op-ed where he explains why we can prosecute Moammar Khadafy when he shows up on our shores.
And he makes a pretty solid case. Unfortunately, we have citizens taking to the streets to demand our Muslin Socialist Fascist Communist Nazi Manchurian Candidate President show them his birth certificate or they’ll water the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots. So maybe now isn’t the time to start static with Libya. Maybe.
Puke Junk (sorry, Ralph Peters) explains that Osama bin Laden is so 2001. His piece, Osama bin Has-Been, explains that Osama’s latest video (featuring Drake and T-Pain) shows the world that he’s all washed up. “Perhaps we’ll be hit by terror again one day. But Osama’s day is over.”
1) Not maybe, stupid. Listen to Cheney and the rest of your right-wing doomsayers. It’s only a matter of time! We WILL be attacked again! Soon! Maybe… NOW! Or maybe right… NOW!
2) I hope someone shows this to Osama and it lights a fire under him to get back in the game. And that he attacks Ralph Peters.
The Post has an editorial calling for the dismantling of the scam known as ACORN. Sigh. And on the next page, Rich Lowry helps expose “ACORN’s lawlessness.”
“It’s as if the government contracted with a right-wing militia to conduct gun-safety courses.”
Or better yet, it’s like the government contracted with a right-wing militia to police New Orleans after Katrina and the streets of Baghdad and allowed them to shoot whoever they wanted without any consequences!
Oh, wait. That was your guy who did that.
Ol’ black water, keep on rollin’.
The Burlington Coat Factory doesn’t spend a whole lotta time thinking.
Their newest promotion for NYC?
Leaving 500 bags unattended on the street, in stores, on public transportation.
What could possibly go wrong?
If you happen to find one of these bags, shout “ObamaCare will kill your grandparents! It’s in the Bible!”
(if you see something ill-conceived, say something ill-conceived)
Scarlett Johansson and Pete Yorn are releasing an album together? Why?
You know what’s worse than Kanye West? Everybody spending time and energy explaining why we shouldn’t care about him anymore. And doing in in 2-page spreads and online brain farts. Stop telling me what I already know.
Ignoring is bliss.
Yanks beat Angels 5-3, magic number is 12 (7 to be in the playoffs), 100+ wins this season is looking like a lock.
Go Yanks!
And that’ll do it for Tuesday.
Have the best day you possibly can, kids.
Mondays stink.
Sigh. Another day, another horrible newspaper to read.
“Activists posing as a hooker and a pimp” secretly taped Brooklyn ACORN employees giving them tips on how to get a loan. Definitely front page news. Truly. Because that’s where our attention should be. Not on health care.
Focus on ACORN, mouth-breathers.
The taxpayers (and more specifically, the straphangers) gave the MTA a $2,000,000,000 bailout this year.
But over the last four years, they’ve payed contractors $3,000,000,000 to do various projects — despite the MTA having people in-house that already do some of the farmed-out jobs.
I’m going for a bike ride this afternoon and flipping off every bus driver I see.
Kanye West made an ass out of himself at the VMAs (again), as did the incredibly unfunny host Russell Brand (again). But only Kanye (who the Post says was “apparently drunk”) apologized. From his blog: “I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM.”
Wait a minute. What did he just say about Taylor Swift’s mother?
Broadway’s revenue is on the decline. But surely Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark will fix that. Right?
Great website, by the way.
The undercover activists that managed to fool ACORN employees? Um… yeah. I mean, she could easily be a hooker, but him? A pimp? C’mon. He’s like Michael Rappaport’s even plainer looking doofus cousin, as dressed by the costume designer of I’m Gonna Got You Sucka.
But here’s a tip to all ACORN employees. If a white guy comes in asking you to say something illegal? He’s probably taping you for Fox. So… don’t give him advice on starting a brothel in Brooklyn.
(unless you know he’s legit, in which case you should totes assist — the Atlantic Center needs a whorehouse!)
Joe “My 15 Minutes of Fame Should Make Me Feel Shame, And Yet…” Wilson refuses to apologize to his colleagues. And some of America’s dumbest find that refusal to be worthy of their moneys.
Also on page 6 (but not Page Six — haven’t gotten there yet) is a nice piece about how half of New York City’s small businesses don’t provide health insurance to their employees. HALF.
And as for the rest of the nation, the percentage of small businesses that don’t give their employees health insurance? 50%. That’s HALF.
But let’s talk about ACORN some more. And write Joe Wilson checks.
You motherfuckers.
So not only do I have to see All About Steve this week, but I also have to see Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself? I actually have to see a Madea movie?
So. Angry. At America.
They found a body in a wall at the lab that Annie Le disappeared from. They haven’t ID’ed it yet, but everyone seems to be sure that it’s Annie Le.
There are reports that a student failed a polygraph test when asked about her.
Not a runaway bride. A senseless murder.
Rest in peace, Annie.
A guy placed his baby daughter (strapped in her stroller) next to a parking meter on 62nd Street and 1st Avenue and then drove away.
Police were called. The baby was taken to a hospital.
The parents later explained to police that they had argued, she had stormed out of the car, and he put the baby there assuming his wife would take her with her.
See? It was all just a misunderstanding!
I hope they both get jail time. And/or sterilized.
Governor Paterson has plans for “an emergency budget deal.”
And he might get it!
Unless Hiram Monserrate winds up losing his current trial (you know, the one about him smashing his girlfriend in the face with a bottle?), in which case the Democrats lose their 32nd vote.
Politics are terrific.
According to Page Six (today on page 14), Mischa Barton has been ordered to stay away from alcohol, men and “bad behavior” (aka drugs) by the higher-ups at her new TV show (The Beautiful Life).
“All I can do is smoke cigarettes!” she complained to no one in particular.
And I encourage you to smoke a lot of them, Mischa. As many as you can!
Page 19 has two (TWO!) articles on Ashley Dupre! And one’s another “exclusive” interview! Hooray!
1) The current media whore/former actual whore is now considering posing nude for money. Her justification? “If it’s good enough for Madonna, it’s good enough for me.” So… let me get this straight. During the height of your “fame,” someone offered you $2,000,000 to show your tits to people who didn’t pay your pimp first, but you “didn’t want to be turned into more of a sex object” (um… how could anything make you more of a sex object? YOU WERE A PROSTITUTE!). But now you’re OK with it. Did I get that right, dummy?
2) Dan Aquilante gives Ashley’s second single (“I Feel So Alive Without You”) a rave review, saying “the tune displays edge with simple, yet hard guitar strikes, reminiscent of Heart.”
PLEASE. STOP. WRITING. ABOUT. THIS. IDIOT. HOOKER.
Oh, Fredric, you dicker.
Oops. Let me start again.
According to Fredric U. Dicker, the GOP is trying to get Rudy 9iu11ani to abandon his plans to be New York’s lisping governor and instead run for lisping senator.
Better that than finding new fresh ideas, right, GOP?
More Fashion Week coverage.
Depending on your definition of “fashion.”
According to a 2-page ad in today’s paper, Target asked Post readers to “tell us what more we can do for you” in an ad on May 31st.
627 people actually did. They printed 5 comments and what they’re doing to implement/answer them.
One if the five is: “Can you please have your employees be more friendly and say ‘thank you’? Showing appreciatuon goes a very long way with me.”
Target assures the lonely old woman who (surely) wrote this that their employees will now greet and thank everyone. Thanks, old lady.
Had I known about this campaign, my email would have read:
Dear Target,
How can you afford to employ 30 people who wander the store while texting and ignoring customers? And how can they not be able to answer the simplest of questions? Is there a maximum IQ for applicants? Are you proud of the redshirted punks who wear droopy pants and bump into customers (because THEY should GET out of MY way — I gots to get my text on!)? Also, is Isaac Mizrahi really as gay as he acts?
Thanks in advance,
Brick Haus
Cindy Adams interviewed Zach Galifianakis (and others) at a premiere screening of the upcoming HBO series, Bored to Death. She doesn’t get Zach.
“Took me 30 years to learn how to spell [my name]. Besides, everybody knows the Greeks run Hollywood. Greeks are Jews without money. Print that. I want you to print that.”
“I’m a sexually frustrated comic artist. But in real life, I’m dating Joan Rivers. Print that. I want you to print that.”
Cindy also mentions that a “comedy writer” passed by to tell her that the show was loosely based on his life. His name? Dean Haspiel.
Dean is not a comedy writer. He is an artist. A comic book artist. He drew Jonathan Ames’ last graphic novel. My guess is that Zach’s character (the “comic artist”?) is probably based on Dean.
Please get in the box, Cindy.
Mary Josephine Ray is believed to be the oldest living American (she’s 114). She was recently asked what she thought of her long life. Se replied, “It was so long ago, I don’t remember much about it.”
And that is today’s Most Depressing Sentence Ever.
Jane Isabella of Johnstown writes in to say, “Obama’s speech said nothing new. Whoever yelled ‘liar’ was right on the money. Obama is no longer believable.”
1) Obama said many things for the first time in his last speech. If you’d been paying attention to what he said (and not what disingenuous “entertainers” claim he said), you’d know that.
2) You know, I’d tell you the name of the guy who yelled liar, but you’d just send him money. And I’m sure your 5 kids wouldn’t want you wasting their GoGurt money.
Matt Welch (who edits something called Reason) insists that Glenn Beck’s 9/12 protest (anybody else find that name to be in really poor taste?) was not how the MSM portrayed it (I hope everyone at the Million Man March appreciates the irony here). He says there were more people than reported. He says that the most offensive signs he saw said “Ayn Rand is right” and none were “racist, radical portrayals of Obama.”
1) To say that there was “an overflow crowd” of “(at least 100,000, by my rough unscientific estimate)” is like roling your eyes while saying “you’re gonna wanna see Jennifer’s Body because the two female leads make out!” It kills me that someone who should (and almost certainly does) know better would say something like, “Well, I don’t know about the elite number tricks that the Defeatocrats can do with their God-hating science, but I’d wager we had roughly 100,000 at that brave assembly” is almost as farcical as George W. Bush re-inventing himself from someone who would laugh at the mere suggestion that he would have a beer with “regular Americans” into a cowboy who’s just like y’all.
2) I’m supposed to believe that these idiots can’t spell Glenn Beck’s name correctly ARE FANS OF AYN RAND? You find me a single one who can pronounce her first name correctly and I’ll buy you a cookie, Matt.
Lady GaGa’s performance at last night’s VMA’s was that much of a must-see? OK, internet. Show me what I missed.
[watches "Paparazzi"]
You’re kidding, right? That’s what passes for a great performance nowadays? I am so old.
Pink Twatted from her seat at the VMA’s that Kanye West was “the biggest piece of shit on earth.”
Madonna began her tribute to Michael Jackson with, “Michael Jackson was born in August, 1958 — so was I. Michael Jackson grew up in the suburbs of the Midwest — so did I. Michael Jackson had eight brothers and sisters — so do I.”
Edited for time was the line, “Michael Jackson loved to take little children from their rightful homes and then dress them up and sleep with them in his arms — so do I.”
Boston’s damned lucky. Tampa Bay has lost their last 11 in a row. They’re now 12 1/2 games behind Boston in the Wild Card race. Texas is 4 back. We’re still 7 games ahead of Boston in the AL East (magic number is 13; 9 for a playoff berth), but it’d be awesome to give the Sox October off.
Donovan McNabb got a cracked rib during yesterday’s game against the Panthers, proving Rush Limbaugh correct when he insisted that a Black guy couldn’t be a good quarterback.
Serena Williams has been fined $10,500 for her temper tantrum the other night. But the USTA is currently deciding if the should consider it a “major offense.” If they say it is, Serena loses the $350,000 she won.
Are they fucking kidding her?
The Mets are now officially out of contention. Sorry, Met fans. See you next year.
Ichiro Suzuki’s single last night gave him 200 hits this season and nine consecutive seasons of 200+ hits, which breaks “Wee” Willie Keeler’s previous record. Where’s the political cartoonist? It’d be funny if Willie was in Heaven and he was about to smash the TV because an Asian broke his record! ROR!
Jeter scored for the 100th time last night, the twelth time he’s done that in his career. This puts him ahead of Babe Ruth (11) for second-most of all time (for a Yankee), but behind Gehrig (13).
Next year, Cap’n.
Iran is a big fan of Lost. The show will be broadcast on Iranian TV (their “government” just approved it), despite their earlier condemnation of the show for its “Zionist concepts.”
B’also? Maybe they’re making WMD.
B’also? Just saw some pictures of signs at the 9/12 protest.
1) ‘CAP’ CONGRESS AND ‘TRADE’ OBAMA BACK TO KENYA!
2)Oh, S#!t
It’s 1939 Germany all over again
Obama’s HR 3200 = Hitlers T4
3) SOMEWHERE IN KENYA A VILLAGE IS MISSING ITS TELEPROMPTER
4) WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
5) VOTE OUT ALL INCUMBENTS EXCEPT JOE WILSON
6) COMRADE/CZAR
NEITHER IS AMERICAN
(with a terrible drawing of Obama is a foreign dictator’s outfit)
7) HEY BARRY… SHOW U.S. YOUR SMALLPOX VACCINATION
(this one has so much shit written all over it… suffice it to say it makes connections between Osama and Obama, 9/11 and 2009, and appears to have been made with a magnetic poetry-for-hatemongers set) (b’also? it’s written on a bedsheet)
9) ACORN = OBAMA =Child TrafficKing In Prostitation And Voterfraud & God Knows what ElSE By By ACORN & GoodBy (there’s fine print, but surprisingly, it’s illegible)
10) (photo of Lenin) + (photo of Stalin) & (photo of Hitler) + (photo of Castro) = (photo of Obama) If you are not scared, you are not paying attention! Do the math America!
11) Mr. OBAMA you’re NOT The Boss of ME
12) Get rid of Nazi Pelosi (with photo of Hitler-mustached Pelosi holding Photoshopped-in Communist symbol)
13) MY $ Earn your own; Loser
14) HITLER GAVE GOOD SPEECHES TOO
15) YOU CAN PUT LIPSTICK ON OBAMA But He is still A SOCIALIST…
16) OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT OF ‘KENYA’!
There are plenty more, plenty of Confederate flag bumper stickers, plenty of “Obama Bin Laden” stuff…
“Real Americans” can be “real assholes.”
But Mark Welch can still say with a straight face (well, as straight a face as one can make while simultaneously fellating a goat) that the MSM is erroneously reporting the presence of racist signage at Glenn Beck’s stupid-ass 9/12 hootenanny? Fuck you, Mark. And I’m suing you on behalf of the word “reason.”
Will Jay Leno succeed tonight? Will he fail? Will I loathe reading about the predictions/ratings for the next 2 months? I don’t know! I don’t know! And yes!
Happy Monday!
THE BRONX, 2011
“Do you remember 9/11?”
“Oh, Hell yeah! I woke up my kid so he could watch with me. We were screaming, I was calling my dad. Unbelievable. My hands were sore from all the clapping and high-fives.”
“You son of a bitch. I lost my brother on 9/11.”
“He was that much of a Gehrig fan?”
(gunshots)
I hope you’re happy, Derek. You just sentenced some mentally handicapped people to death (just like Governor George W. Bush!).
YESTERDAY
Yes, Derek Jeter has become the Yankee with the most all-time hits (as a Yankee). He broke Lou Gehrig’s 70-year-old record of 2,721.
Congratulations, Mr. Jeter.
Nixzmary’s Law will “seriously boost jail time for adults who torture or deliberately cause a child to die.”
Translation: the new maximum penalty would be life without the possibility of parole.
Question: why keep these people alive? I understand the logic of (most) people’s opposition to capital punishment, but if they’re never getting out, why waste time and resources caring for these people?
And, lest we forget, 7-year-old Nixzmary Brown was frequently abused by her stepfather (her toilet was a litter box, she’d spend a day tied to a chair) up until he beat her to death.
The stepfather was sentenced to 26 1/3 to 29 years in prison (for 1st degree manslaughter). The mother got 43 years.
The law is a ass.
ESPN reporter Erin Andrews went on Oprah just in case there were still people who didn’t know about her unauthorized naked footage that lives (forever) on the internet. And, you know, that she wants to put it all behind her.
By going on Oprah.
South African Sports Minister Makhenkesi Stofile has declared that, “We think [Semenya's] human rights have been violated and her privacy invaded.”
Honestly, if I was a South African and this was the worst kind of human rights violation going on in South Africa today, I’d be grateful (unless I had a ball sac in my vagina).
Not only did Jeter surpass Gehrig in hits as a Yankee, but he did it without the benefit of amyothrophic lateral sclerosis (which Gehrig is lucky the league didn’t test for back then).
David Mack refused to step down as a board member of the MTA and the Port Authority, insisting that he cooperated completely in the State Police scandal probe of a few years ago. Andrew Cuomo pointed out that, in fact, Mack invoked the Fifth Amendment 37 times during his “testimony.”
Cuomo recently shared this information with the general public.
Mack resigned on Friday.
I hate the MTA.
Now the mouth-breathers are pointing out that Joe Wilson has raised $1,000,000! In less than a week!
See, shortly after Mr. Wilson gave Obama a sincere apology for his outburst, he issued a video ad to boost his fundraising efforts (in a most unapologetic way).
So what you’re saying then, mouth-breathers, is that it’s OK to heckle the president while he’s speaking to Congress (and THE NATION). And not only is it OK, b’also you’ll pay the guy who does it in the hopes that he can get re-elected to the position again.
Fuck Joe Wilson and especially fuck all of the “real Americans” who gave him their money (but who also don’t want the government taking their money).
I can’t wait for Civil War II: The Quickening.
A 30-year-old woman from Coatesville, Pennsylvania got really stoned. So stoned, in fact, that she made her 6-year-old daughter drive her home.
Cops pulled the little girl over and found her mother in the back seat laughing her ass off.
The girl’s aunt showed up and asked her, “Was your mom smoking the stinky stuff again?”
“The girl teared up and said, ‘Yes.’” reported the Post.
Her mother was charged with child-endangerment. She wasn’t charged with DWI, though because she wasn’t technically driving.
The law is a ass.
Obama raised the tax on tire imports from China. They used to pay a 4% levy. Obama just added a 35% levy.
“China strongly condemns this grave act of trade protectionism by the U.S.,” said Yao Jian, China’s Minister of Commerce.
And then he went back to overseeing the exporting of his country’s poisoned toothpaste, toys slathered in lead-based paints, dog food laced with melted plastic and whatever else they can find in their overcrowded gutters.
Ashley Dupre made Page Six (today on page 10 — so close!). Again.
Apparently she’s now really good pals with Russell Simmons (they met at yoga!) and he’s “taken her under his wing.”
She will now have a regular blog on his Global Grind web site. And if her blogging is half as good as her whoring…
Remember the two roommates at the Fashion Institute of Technology (I just noticed how weird that sounds) who were busted with cocaine by undercover cops last year? They just rejected a six-month plea deal.
B’also? The police can no longer find the $200 the girls used to buy the drugs, the drugs, the text messages the girls sent to the undercover cops about buying the drugs, or the cops’ expense reports from the sting operation.
New York’s Finest, indeed.
Jermaine Jackson recently announced that President Obama, Mary J. Blige, Whitney Houston, Madonna, Natalie Cole and many, many more luminaries would gather in Vienna to celebrate Michael Jackson’s birthday on September 26th.
Then everyone on the list told him that they either never agreed to do it or they did but changed their minds.
Jermaine Jackson more recently announced that no one will be celebrating Michael Jackson’s birthday in Vienna on September 26th. Ever again.
An estimated 6,500 drivers go through the E-Z Pass lane at tolls without actually paying.
That seems to me like a bullshit MTA-created statistic.
A Cornell University student has died of swine flu.
Score one for community colleges.
Annie Le, the missing Yale post-grad wrote an article for Yale’s B Magazine titled “Crime and Safety in New Haven” which provided students with safety tips from Yale Police Chief James Perrotti. The article ended with the author’s conclusion that “with a little street smarts, one can avoid becoming another statistic.”
Oof.
The professor who cancelled his class (which Annie was in) on the day she disappeared was interviewed as a suspect. It’s starting to look like foul play is a lock.
Score two for community colleges.
Mischa Barton explained her recent stay in a mental hospital to the biddies on The View.
It was her wisdom tooth. It hurt so much that it drove her mad.
I actually think I’d rather hear more about Ashley Dupre than ever learn anything else about this talentless bimbo.
Michelle Malkin returns with more despicable rhetoric (she so hateful) and Rich Lowry cracks “The Secrets of Obama’s Rhetoric” with 13 rules to follow if you want to give a speech like our POTUS. Some examples:
1) Create a false center.
2) Scorn ideology.
6) Say things just because they sound good.
13) Load it up in a teleprompter.
Seriously, what is the mouth-breather obsession with Obama reading off a teleprompter? The last guy ALSO USED A FUCKING TELEPROMPTER but somehow managed to sloppily rape the English language every single time he tried to read a speech.
It’s infuriating that the gullible saps that gobble up Glenn Beck’s bullshit on a daily basis truly understood how manipulated they are by their favorite rabble-rousers (“Obama loves his fancy teleprompter! He eats arugula! He’s an elitist! Ignore the fact that Bush used a teleprompter and grew up in Connecticut in a mansion and was a legacy at Yale and destroyed every business his daddy ever set him up in!”), they’d drag them behind their pick-ups.
According to one editorial, there was a Coast Guard training exercise where they radioed about gunshots on the Potomac and CNN reported it as fact.
Yeah, CNN has become kind of a joke. But I thought they erroneously reported about the sonic boom(s) in California?
I have no TV.
Oooooooooh! Is Twitter going to start running ads? Maybe!
Am I going to join Twitter? No!
The New York Times is perilously close to charging for its online content.
When will Rupert and all the other newspaper moguls understand that EVERYTHING can be found online for free? If you charge me to read an article about the Brooklyn Book Fair, I’ll just Google “Brooklyn Book Fair” and find some other recent (and FREE) articles that probably cover the same ground.
Charging for online content is NOT the answer.
Just ask the Zagats.
There are almost 1,000 members in the Facebook group “I Hate the Word Moist” (but the Magic Hour only has 10 fans?!?).
If you Google the words “moist” and “hate” you get 964,000 results.
Duncan Hines is gonna be pissed.
Did Michael Jordan’s 23-minute speech at his Hall of Fame induction reveal him to be a pompous egotist? That’s not for me to decide. But I will point out that while there is no “i” in “team,” there is an “i” in “prick.”
In 1995, Jeter had just 12 hits.
In 1996, he had 183. In 1997, 190. In 1998, 203. 219 in 1999, 201 in 2000, 191 in 2001 and again in 2002, 156 in 2003, 188 in 2004, 202 in 2005, 214 in 2006, 206 in 2007, 179 in 2008, and 188 so far this year.
Captain Clutch, ladies and gentlemen.
TODAY
4 stories made the front page: Serena goes crazy at Open; JETER SOUVENIR POSTER; Ashley’s back!; and YALE HORROR.
1) Serena Williams committed a foot fault during service and then ripped an expletive-laced tirade on the judge who pointed it out. Then the judge tattled. Then some muckety-mucks entered the court. The judge claimed that Serena said “I’ll kill you” to her. Serena loudly denied it.
But she was issued a penalty which ended the match.
Maybe tennis isn’t all that boring after all…
…wait. Yes it is.
2) self-explanatory
3) How can she be back if she never goes away?
4) Police found bloody clothes in a drop ceiling in the building that Annie Le disappeared from. But the article doesn’t mention yesterday’s professor, so I guess he’s not a suspect anymore.
1 out of every 5 civilian clerical workers are being let go from the NYPD (booooo!). They’ll be replaced by other candidates on the civil service list (well, that’s a little better, but still: booooo!). The firings are a result of a ruling in Long Beach, California which stated that people who passed an exam for a civil service position deserve to be hired before provisional appointees who didn’t (what a gyp! booooo!). The workers being fired either failed the exam or refused to take it (really? well, in that case, yaaaaaaay!).
Rodney King took part in a “celebrity boxing match” on Friday.
“We had offers from everyone — Joey Buttafuoco to John Wayne Bobbitt — wanting to fight Rodney King. Simon [Aouad] was a police officer for two years, that’s why we picked him,” explained Damon Feldman, who has obviously never heard the word celebrity used correctly in a sentence.
Rodney won, but then 4 of Simon’s friends kicked his ass with nightsticks.
(just kidding)
Tens of thousands of mouth-breathers descended on the Capitol yesterday to show the rest of America how inept they were at making signs.
1) Glenn Beck has two n’s in his first name. Also, he’s a dick.
2) “Hey! That Was My Mall Money!” is not actually a protest sign against Congress, so much as a cry for education (running away from home would be a good start).
3) Chanting “We own the dome!” before getting back in your truck and driving back to Georgia is as ridiculous as it sounds.
Two (MORE) full pages of Ashley Dupre. Four photos.
I had a lot to write about (they list her 9 tattoos in great detail!), but I’ll boil it down to this:
Second paragraph explains that she wants “to become a singer, a mother, an author — anything but that girl.”
Apologies to Marlo Thomas notwithstanding, the fourth paragraph explains that she reactivated her MySpce page where she wished “luck” to “Client 9.”
So… she doesn’t want to be known as the whore who got Spitzer out of office, so she reminds the world who she is by wishing luck to Spitzer and referring to him by his code name (you know, back when she was a whore).
She goes on to lament that “A lot of guys want to be with me for the wrong reasons. They wonder ‘how is she going to be in bed?’”
That might be on account of you were a prostitute. They could say they’re interested in something else about you, like your, um…
…
… great shot of you in a bikini with your tits hanging out on page 5, Ashley. Maybe now those guys will take you more seriously.
PLEASE STOP APPEARING IN MY NEWSPAPER.
The cartoon on Page Six (today on page 10 — so close!) shows Lou Gehrig (in Heaven with The Babe [who is almost definitely not in Heaven]) about to hit his TV with a baseball bat as Jeter breaks his record.
Um… I think Lou’d be happy for Derek. He had 70 years in the #1 slot. That’s longer than he lived.
What a stupid cartoon.
VH1 “has been re-thinking and reshaping their shows” according to an insider.
And all it took was for one of the low-lifes they’ve gotten rich off of (on TWO different VH1 series!) to mutilate his wife and then hang himself.
Ain’t that Sumthin’.
Maybe now, music will somehow be involved in their programming?
A 14-year-old student at the Paterson Charter School for Science and Technology sent an e-mail to his teacher in May telling her that, if she didn’t give his entire class an A+ for the entire year, he would rape her. And her sister. And her mother.
He has been charged with making terroristic threats and criminal coercion.
And he has since been transferred to the Paterson Charter School for Rape Threateners and Food Service Gigs.
Since January, three “local airports” have confiscated 123,189 prohibited items from carry-on bags.
43 travelers were caught trying to carry explosives onboard. One guy had a baby alligator strapped to his thigh. Someone else tried to bring a kitchen sink onboard (that’s illegal… why?).
I hate airports.
David Dinkins compared his support for Charlie Rangel to the guy who stood in front of the tank in Tiananmen Square in 1989.
“That’s what I would do for Charlie Rangel.”
What’s stopping you, Dink? Flights to China leave every hour.
B’also? Turns out Charlie is a slumlord, too!
HOW DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB?
Humble Pie for the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Jack Canfield’s son, Oran, is releasing his book (Long Past Stopping) on Tuesday.
“He was the lying, cheating, conniving, manipulative inhuman son of a bitch who had left my mom when I was one and she was six months pregnant.”
Oran now lives in Brooklyn and plays drums in his band (and I’m not making this up), Child Abuse.
He also claims that his father “loved the memoir.”
That’s a weird family, yo.
Is Trinidad (or at least Prime Minister Patrick Manning) in cahoots with a radical Islamic group that tried to blow up JFK airport in 2007?
And if so, how does that make Tobago feel?
Pages 24 and 25 combine for one gigantic ad.
21 gorgeous works of art are showcased to promote the galleries at 457 West Broadway, where Fine Art Auctions (of over 1,000 artworks) are getting underway.
And the gallery’s name (and I swear I’m not making this up) is…
Martin Lawrence Galleries.
Cindy Adams is doing one of those stream-of-consciousness riffs.
Back away slowly, then run.
Over 10,000 complaints were filed last year by New Yorkers against their health insurance providers.
The state found that at least 3,400 of the complainants were wrongly denied payments coverage for care.
I hope every asshole that drew a mustache on a blown-up picture of Obama and stood at the Capitol yesterday loses their insurance. And mouths. And house keys.
A driver with a suspended license (and $5,000 in outstanding DMV fines!) killed a 9-year-old boy (who was on his way to temple!) yesterday morning in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Take a bow, Novella Bilkerdyk, 54! You’re a child murderer!
Poor Gunther Link, 45, of Vienna, Austria.
He was trapped in an elevator, so he prayed for help. He was rescued soon after.
So, he decided to go to his church to give thanks. And when he entered…
…he was crushed to death by a falling 860-pound altar.
Moral of the story: stay out of churches, everyone.
Christopher Kelly was being pressured to testify against Rod BluhGOYuhvitch (nice lady).
He collapsed at a lumber yard on Friday. He’s dead.
Chicago is my kinda town, Chicago is.
Here’s a statistic to stump the mouth-breathers.
47% rate Democrats in Congress as negative, but 52% rate Republicans in Congress as negative. That’s an extra 5%!
Who are the people being polled? Well the Post neglected to mention that. Or when the poll was taken. Or where.
But still. Five percent more! Hotcha!
TV Guide is reducing the number of copies it publishes by 30%.
Again, twenty seconds and an internet connection will tell you what’s on TV and when — for FREE.
I bet John McCain still subscribes, though.
An 8-page pull-out celebrating Derek Jeter for his accomplishments on and off the field? Did no one tell your political cartoonist that you guys like Derek?
I don’t get Megan Fox. And the trailer for Jennifer’s Body is awful.
But, you know, congratulations to everyone involved in making the film. I’m just sorry that every article I come across mentions the 30 seconds of Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried making out (but in a sarcastic way, so as to appear to be making fun of the idea that that’s the only reason people would see the movie, while simultaneously using it as your main selling point).
The guy who’s in this week’s dating thingy (“Meet Market”) has one of his quotes blown up in a bubble next to him:
‘I want
someone who’s
in touch with her
inner child.’
But when I saw it in the corner of my eye, all I made out was “touch her child” and I laughed out loud.
Yanks lost their first two games against Baltimore, but slaughtered them this afternoon (while Teresa and some friends and I hit the Brooklyn Book Fair and Yogo Monster [which, I must confess, is ridiculously bad]).
Also in the sports section is a further examination of Serena Williams’ outburst at the open. The alleged threat was “If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat and kill you.”
A spokesman for Ms. Williams claims that Serena never cursed — she only said “freaking.”
That’s funny, because when speaking to the judges after the line judge complained, Serena shouted “Are you fucking kidding?” and she seemed way angrier when she was addressing the line judge.
And that’s Sunday (and Saturday).
Off to bed. See you in the morning.
The Gummi Bears Theme Song in 4 Foreign Languages:
I think my new favorite expletive is Goompybjarn.
First, a follow-up of sorts.
One of the hilarious improvisors I coach informed me last night that Mark Whicker (who the internet had been calling Mike for a few days for some reason) wrote another column just like the one he wrote for Jaycee Dugard. Eighteen (18) years ago, he thought he’d help Terry Anderson (released from a Lebanese dungeon after 7 [seven] years) catch up on sports.
http://www.poynter.org/column.asp?id=101&aid=169823
Hey, Orange County Register? You keep forgetting to fire this tool. Please make a note of it.
What do you give for an 8th anniversary? Rubble? Red tape? Lip service?
Yes, it’s September 11th, 2009 and the World Trade Center is still a gaping hole in the ground.
Unacceptable.
(and yet, everyone seems to accept it)
BRIDE VANISHES
Did Annie Marie Le disappear because she doesn’t want to marry John Widawsky (their wedding is supposed to happen this Sunday) and just needed to be alone and think things through? Or was foul play involved? Le left behind her purse, cellphone, credit cards, cash…
Yale (where she was a grad student) has footage of her entering the lab where she worked, but not exiting. If Le is dead, whether by accident or through foul play, then this is a horrible tragedy and my heart goes out to both families.
But if she turns up in Mexico like that other runaway bride, then I’m going to make fun of Annie Marie Le (French for “Annie Marie The”) forever and ever
“Democrats abandoned plans to pass a sweeping ethics overhaul in a special Senate session last night after Republicans successfully blocked a related proposal to toughen campaign-finance law. The failed bill would have created an independent board to investigate ethics violations.
Why do Republicans hate ethics so much? And how is it legal for a party headed by Pedro Espada to push for ethics reform?
Your tax dollars at rest.
Poor Melanie Oudin.
She came out of nowhere (aka Georgia) to take the US Open by storm (until she lost in the quarterfinals), but we’ve just learned that her father accused her mother of having an affair with her tennis coach (who has been her coach since she was 7) during their divorce trial.
Now that’s a foot fault!
(I’ve spent ten minutes trying to find a good tennis joke to end on — that was the funniest. I apologize.)
The 18-year-old South African who won the women’s world title in the 800-meter run was accused of being a man. She insisted she was a woman. Many many tests were run.
The results are in.
Caster Semenya has a vagina.
B’also? Caster has “internal male testes.”
That’s right, folks. Caster’s a hermaphrodite. With testes in her pelvis and semen in her last name.
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) has a girl’s name. B’also, he told Fox “News” his reaction to Obama’s recent speech: “I want to find a bipartisan solution, and I felt the speech was combative.”
Are you referring to the other South Carolina representative who shouted “You lie!” at Obama, regarding something that Obama wasn’t lying about? Or are you just being contrary for the sake of being a contrarian?
Either way, shut up.
Incidentally, here are some fun facts about Joe Wilson’s outburst:
* It violated congressional protocol!
* Wilson didn’t apologize because he regretted what he did; he apologized because the GOP made him!
* Wilson’s Democratic opponent in 2010 has raised $500,000 in the last few days simply by not being Joe Wilson!
* Even John “Anybody Seen My Dignity?” McCain has denounced Wilson’s actions!
* I find it odd that in every photo of Wilson screaming at the president, the two Republicans sitting next to him seem a little too non-plussed. Makes me think Wilson told them he was going to do it. Which makes me think his “spontaneous gesture” wasn’t. Which makes Wilson even more of a tool!
BONUS: Here’s Mr. Wilson in 2002. He’s been an asshole for years!
Someone should re-cut this so that he’s yelling at himself for calling Obama a liar.
“That’s not true and you know it’s not true!”
You can go to NYU for $52,000 a year (give or take), but that doesn’t include paper.
They’re now charging students $0.10 for each page they print out in their computer labs (beyond their first 500 pages). Students are livid.
NYU spokesman John Beckman quipped, “These are ‘paper cuts’ that actually shouldn’t sting that bad.”
See what he did there? I’m sure students will calm down once they hear that great play on words.
Gigantic ad for the Post’s EXCLUSIVE in Sunday’s paper: Ashley’s Back!
“The governor’s girl as you’ve never seen her.”
What, is she reading a book? Because I’ve never seen her do that. But the accompanying photo of her in a bikini… I’ve seen way more of that than necessary.
Congratulations, whore.
You too, Ashley.
More drawings of what the WTC Memorial will look like (if anyone ever gets around to building it).
Did keyboards/typewriters used to have a cent symbol? I vaguely remember being able to use one when writing.
I am remarkably old.
Swine flu!
There’s a strain that’s now resistent to Tamiflu!
Apocalypto!!!
“I do not think he should step aside.”
That’s Pelosi on Rangel.
The Hell with both uh yez.
Are Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler an item? Or are the producers of The Bounty insisting that the go out together so that shitty publications like this will keep publishing photos and sightings, keeping the movie’s title in people’s minds?
Either way, I don’t care.
According to Page Six (today on page 32), the Tila Tequila/Shawne Merriman tussle may have gone down like this:
Tila and Shawne share a house. Tila came home and found Shawne in bed with 2 ladies. He invited Tila to join in. Tila announced that she would go fuck one of Shawne’s friends and stormed off. Shawne caught up and choked her.
Will the truth ever ooze out? Stay tuned!
Oh, Latrata Bethal. You’re adorable.
Ms. Bethal, 23, was at a house party in Brownsville when someone accidentally stepped on her foot. The lady apologized to Bethal. And that was that.
Oh, wait. No. This is Brooklyn. That wasn’t that.
Bethal grabbed the woman’s hair and threw her to the ground. The woman was able to get up and flee but Bethal pursued her, throwing empty bottles at her. When Bethal caught up to the victim, she picked up a shard of glass and slashed this woman’s face.
The woman’s face required 100 stitches.
But more importantly, how’s your foot, Latrata?
I heart Brooklyn.
Somebody else drove the wrong way (also while drunk) down the Taconic late Wednesday night. He was arrested but didn’t kill anyone.
Maybe some better signage is needed on the Taconic? Maybe?
Sally Pipes has a peachy keen op-ed titled:
KILLING INSURANCE
Prez’s promises a death knell
Why do I read these op-eds every day? They’re infuriating. And erroneous. I’m not even going to finish this one. I’m putting Sally Pipes down and moving on to… Bill O’Reilly?!?! No… must turn page…
Oh, boy. The 9/11 museum plans on having an exhibit that features the 19 hijackers — with printed transcripts of their “martyrdom tapes.”
Keep it up and someone’s going to fly a plane into the 9/11 museum.
Dave G. Becher of East Northport writes in to let us know why conservatives were against Obama’s speech to students.
“His speech intended to ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for Obama.”
I wonder who Dave is parroting here. Rush? Glenn? That kid from Life Goes On?
Ellen DeGeneres is being sued by major record labels who claim that she never asked permission to use their music during her show’s dancing segments.
The music industry must really be desperate for cash.
Kyle Smith gave Whiteout half a star. The original graphic novel (by Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber) is terrific. I heard the movie deviates from the original story, but I haven’t read it in years. I’ll have to brush up before I viddy this.
Page 95 is a full page ad for MajorWorld.com, a Queens-based car dealership.
With an American flag backdrop, large blue words hover over a Toyota and 2 Hondas.
Never Forgotten
Always Remembered.
Major World Salutes Those Who Served…
Booooooooo.
I just realized — if Jeter gets a hit tonight, he will become the all-time hit leader for the Yankees.
And he’ll do it on 9/11.
Lots o’ pressure.
John Stossel, one of the worst tele-journalists in American history is taking his half-assed disingenuous reporting to the place that rewards such qualities: Fox Business Channel.
Best of luck to you, John.
Linda Stasi explains why making Ellen DeGeneres a judge on American Idol will make her stop watching.
“Making Ellen the new judge on American Idol is like putting a tutu on the gorilla in your living room and expecting it to start doing grand jetes.”
1) Why is the gorilla in my living room?
2) Asking Ellen to judge singers is like asking a gorilla to do ballet?
3) Why were you still watching American Idol?
Time to tidy! The weekend happens in 6 hours (give or take)! Hang in there, kittens!
http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/politics/090910_Who_Is_Rep_Joe_Wilson
Here’s the second paragraph. See if you can spot the error.
Wilson shouted “You live,” when President Obama said his health care plan would not cover illegal immigrants.
This is like when they oopsie-doodled and gave Larry Craig and Mark Foley a “(D)” next to their names on their awful news shows.
Fair (as in mediocre) and ballast.
Captain Clutch went 3-for4 with a walk last night. He and Gehrig are now tied for most hits as a Yankee. Babe Ruth is in 3rd place.
Boston won, but who cares?
Big ups to Jorge Posada, too.
What a nail-biter last night’s game was. If not for Obama’s speech (and, most specifically, the Republicans’ reactions to it), it would have been a great night.
Front page headline: BAM’S BAND-AID
The implication? Obama’s solution isn’t a solution. It’s a flimsy band-aid.
The sub-head (Dr. O bares his Rx for America) is also awkwardly worded, but that’s to be expected.
The two-page banner headline on pages 4 and 5 is PREZ: PUT FAITH IN MY HEALING would be silly if one of the Republicans’ favorite memes wasn’t that Democrats see him as the Messiah and he has a God complex. I wish the Post treated Bush like this (PREZ: GOD SEZ ATTACK IRAQ).
Other articles within this 2-page fiasco:
* SI Dem still is not sold – freshman Representative Mike McMahon still has questions about the healthcare plan. Fascinating.
* Outsider turns to DC snake-oil salesman — Charles “The Guy Everyone Should” Hurt reveals that last night’s speech was “the moment President Obama officially went completely Washington on us.” Amazingly, Chuck is especially angry about Obama’s offer of tort reform (the ONLY thing that the despicable Republicans applauded for). That’s right, Chuck. How dare he (yet again) try to get Republicans onboard. Fuck them and fuck you.
* Poll numbers sick — 52% of Americans disagree with the way Obama is “handling health care.” And this vaguely-worded poll was taken… doesn’t say. But it does say that the results were made public hours before last night’s address. So… chances are the numbers have changed since last night. Great job, Post.
* Devil in details: docs — most of the doctors that are discussing the speech have positive things to say. But how can the Post pass up a chance to run a picture of Obama with the giant word “Devil” above him?
And in the main article, we learn that CNN did a flash poll of 427 people immediately after they watched the speech. 56% said their reaction was “very positive.” How about a headline for this (“Poll numbers recuperating”)?
And if you manage to turn the page, you’ll get to see Rich Lowry’s gripping A dandy speech — if truth doesn’t matter which is astonishingly idiotic. Dick suggests that Obama is trying to “rewrite the calendar” in the hopes of making us forget August happened. Because it was in August that the GOP came up with their health plan. And people stopped bringing assault weapons to town halls. And giving this asshole any more of my (and your) attention is a waste. Moving on…
… to South Carolina’s new shittiest politician, Representative Joe Wilson! He yelled out “You lie!” during Obama’s speech.
I’ll say that again. During the President of the United States’ address to Congress, a Republican Rep. from South Carolina HECKLED HIM by shouting “You lie!”
There will be a civil war in this country within the next three years.
Only Apocalypto can save us from it.
Paula Abdul is being replaced on American Idol by… Ellen DeGeneres?!?
I owe you a dollar, Teresa. I guess the show can get gayer.
Page 7 has an article on a new designer clutch with the word TAXI written on it which lights up when you need to hail a cab. The graphic of the handbag has been set so that the fourth and fifth paragraphs are impossible to read.
Great job!
In case you were wondering, all three of Michael Jackson’s kids will continue to be home-schooled. By the same teacher. Which means that either Blanket, 7, is exceptionally smart, or Prince Michael, 12, isn’t.
The brave 23-year-old man who leaped onto the court and kissed Rafael Nadal, sharing his heart with the tennis star by telling him “I love you” was immediately arrested. His name? Noam Aorta.
Hardy-har-artery.
Charlie Rangel (prominently featured during last night’s address) has donated over $2,000,000 to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee since 1995. He’s also given $3,800,000 directly to Democratic candidates since 1999.
So, if you’re wondering how he holds onto his job (and freedom), there’s that.
Page 18 has a photo of a lady photographing her (I hope) child on the way to her first day of kindergarten. The look on the girl’s face is… what’s the opposite of adorable?
Garrison Keillor had a minor stroke and is being treated by the Mayo Clinic.
Get well soon, Garry!
Will the GOP torpedo a “green jobs bill” today in Albany because they’re afraid it’s secretly funnelling money to ACORN?
Oh, Republicans. You so pathetic.
One out of every thirty-three women.
That’s how many women (who regularly attend a house of worship) get hit on by their religious leader.
Over two thirds of those women are married.
Amen.
According to Page Six (today on page 24), Star “Magazine” recently wrote a story on Mary-Kate Olsen’s recent weight gain (“Bye-bye billion-dollar looks, hello bloat.”).
Really, Star? Bloat? What does she weigh now? 32 pounds? I hope your daughters read this and start starving themselves for your approval. Jerks.
Oh, that lady’s offer to Ben Roethlisberger? It also required him to donate $100,000 to the Committee to Aid Abused Women.
If he was classy, he’d make the donation anyway.
Oh-HO! 11 ACORN workers are suspected of falsifying hundreds of voter applications last year! And the cops have arrested them! Based on a tip from… ACORN?
Wait. ACORN found shenanigans and called the police on themselves?
That’s all well and good, but where’s Obama’s birth certificate?
Page 35 (today on page 35) has an artist’s rendering of the updated designs for the basketball arena in Brooklyn.
It’s pretty ugly.
Prit-tee prit-tee… ugly.
Hilarious op-ed piece by John Bolton wherein he blames the release of Abdel Basett al-Megrahi on… (wait for it)… Obama.
Why do people continue to give this man an audience?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, Post. You suck eggs.
Back on page 6 (not Page Six), the Post’s “Panel of Experts” graded Obama’s speech.
Dr. Jonathan Gruber (MIT health and economics policy expert) gave Obama an A+, Mary Mundinger (dean of Columbia University’s School of Nursing) gave him a B+, and Michael Tanner (senior fellow at the Cato Institute) gave him a C+.
Tanner’s comments make it seem like he wasn’t actually listening last night. But if you turn to page 39, there’s a great op-ed (All Sizzle, No Substance) that compares Obama to Chicago’s Billy Flynn. It starts and ends with lyrics from Razzle Dazzle ‘Em. And it’s written (poorly) by… (wait for it)… Michael Tanner.
Where are Gruber and Mundinger’s editorials? Oh, that’s right. They liked the speech.
Time Warner is moving DC Comics to its film division.
But it was my understanding (though my source is fairly unreliable) that DC Comics fell under R & D for the film division (which is why no one cared if they lost money — they were a giant tax write-off for Hollywood).
Oh well. Good to see Guillermo Del Toro is considering a Deadman movie.
Shit. I spent so long writing that I missed the first showing of All About Steve.
Oh, well. I have cleaning to do today anyhow.
And, if there’s time later, I might read the 94-page Page Six Magazine that came with today’s paper.
Have a lovely Thursday, peeps.
HALL OF FAME FOR JERKS INDUCTEE #2
Lizz Winstead posted a link to a sports column Mark Whicker wrote on Monday for the Orange County Register. It’s in phenomenally poor taste (basically, he’s recapping the big sports stories of the last 18 years for Jaycee Dugard, the girl who was held against her will and raped and forced to bear two children by her assailant). Note the last line of the column.
Here’s the article. The comments that run below it on the OCR site are pretty angry (not to mention the ones that were taken down for being too angry). On Wednesday, two days later, Whicker wrote an apology. But before that apology was published, Michael David Smith over at AOL Fanhouse published Mike’s replies to some questions regarding the article and the fallout. You can read that here.
I love that he’s “quite surprised” by how offended people were by his column. Here’s his apology.
Hopefully he won’t have a job much longer.
Pierre’s had no copies of the Post. Neither did the next two places I checked.
“No Post?” I asked. “Whole street! No Post, no Wall Street Journal. No deliver come.”
I gathered that he meant that Rupert Murdoch’s papers had never arrived this morning and that I should not start a career in the messengering of sperms.
SO I hopped on the choof-choof and went to Smith and 9th. They didn’t get the papers, either. So I went to West 4th Street. No papers.
I was about to return home with thoughts racing through my head (“Do I read the online version?” “Should I buy a Daily News?” “Did Fox go out of business?”) when I decided that surely there would be copies of the Post in Times Square.
Lo and behold, there were. And they were mad bulky, yo.
Not only am I being treated to a 44-page “fashion extravaganza” in today’s paper, b’also there’s a 70-page (give or take) “Little Book of Big Values” from the good folks at Corcoran Group Real Estate.
That’s over 100 pages that I’m throwing away!
But that’s why I am starting this at 10:00 a.m. and will once again miss the early movie (tomorrow fo’ sho’).
I can only hope that Brooklyn’s lack of Murdoch’s papers is a brief hiccup and not the beginning of the end.
The six building inspectors who were outed yesterday have all resigned. Mayor Bloomberg is insisting that hundreds of sites be re-inspected. “We keep working at it and working at it, and hopefully, someday, we’ll get rid of everybody in the construction industry that breaks the law.”
Hopefully that will also be the day that no one needs anything constructed.
Is Metro-North adding Penn Station to its routes? Maybe!
Oh boy! An article on the cast of Sex and the City! Its been months since I’ve seen one of these!
Apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker Ed has children! And Kristin Davis has been appearing in “family films” and also Cynthia Nixon is gay! And as for Grandma Cattrall, “she’s dating a chef 22 younger.” Twenty-two what? Lifetimes? Dog years? That’s some great writing, Kirsten Fleming!
Cruel Irony #6,980,225
Annie Leibovitz, who makes celebrities look their best, look like this.
A professor at Brandeis wrote a book called “The Cartoons That Shook The World” which discusses the outrage caused by the Danish publication of Mohammed cartoons.
But Yale is worried that the book will cause outrage if they reprint those cartoons. So when the book is published next week, you be able to read about the cartoons, but you won’t be able to see the cartoons.
B’cock, Yale. Bok-bok-bok-b’cock.
The Post has some “DO’S and DON’TS” [sic] for Obama to consider for his healthcare speech today (I think the speech is finished already, but whatever). Among the five DO’S is my personal favorite:
* Tell Democrats it’s time to accept defeat and finally pull the plug on the “public option.”
And my favorite DON’T:
* Blame the media, Republicans and the political fringe for distorting what’s in the plan.
Sometimes I read the Post and I think I’m reading The Onion. And vice versa.
Speaking of “accepting defeat” when do the Republicans get around to doing that?
Poor NASA.
Their annual budget is $18,000,000,000. But it would take another $3,000,000,000 to put a man (back) on the moon. So they are no longer planning a (return) trip to the moon.
Could we re-allocate that EIGHTEEN BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR towards, um, rebuilding New Orleans or, say, a public option?
In 1974, just under 253,000 people enrolled in one of the City University of New York’s 23 campuses. This year, 259,000 people have enrolled.
Today, tuition is $4,600 a year. In 1974, it was FREE.
Charlie Sheen has written an open letter to President Obama demanding a new investigation into the 9/11 attacks. He maintains that the Bush Administration and the CIA orchestrated the attacks so they could invade Iraq.
Between this and the hookers, HOW DOES THIS BARELY TALENTED ACTOR GET ON (AND STAY ON) THE #1 SITCOM IN THE U.S.?
I’d think that the people who like Two and a Half Men would get mad at the implication that Bush and Cheney killed Americans unnecessarily (even though, you know, they did).
BET.com’s executive editor has quit. He Twatted: “The shackles of Amistad have been broken.”
BET had no comment, as no one there knew what Amistad was (though they looked forward to his next single).
I knew that Laura Krafft was moving to L.A. to be head writer for Wanda Sykes’ new show. But it surprised me to see it in Page Six (on page 13 today). Congrats, Laura (and Wanda)!
Eve (the rapper, not the biblical figure) asked her waiter if she could order room service (she was in the Blush Boutique Nightclub at the Wynn in Las Vegas). The waiter checks and told her she could. So she asked for “something vegetarian like grilled cheese or chicken fingers.”
Cocaine is a Helluva drug.
In less than 2 weeks, 86 subway stations will lose 282 “customer assistants.”
Fares are up, riders are less safe.
I have a bike.
BOOM.
Maybe I was too hard on David Findel.
Maybe his spending $400,000 on 2 seats in the Jets’ new stadium had nothing to do with his building collapsing.
Maybe there’s a different reason he hasn’t paid his employees what he owes them.
Ah, here we are. He has been charged with orchestrating an $11,000,000 mortgage fraud. Seems he sold the same mortgage to several different banks.
David Findel is a phenomenal douchebag. Enjoy prison.
Two Wal-Mart employees in eastern China beat a female customer to death.
They suspected her of shoplifting.
PICK-THE-PUNCHLINE:
1) An hour later, they felt like beating another customer to death.
2) They later sent a bill to the woman’s family (they are owed a 15% restocking fee).
3) Ironically, had they let her go the lead in the toy she stole would have killed her in a week anyway.
The Antigua Six go to trial today. They face up to 2 years in prison.
Strength, my Brooklyn brothers and sisters.
Copyright infringement news!
1) A judge ruled that when Arye Sachs drove his car into Manhattan last year (with a fake missile on the roof with “Viva Viagara” written on it), he infringed on Pfizer’s trademark. Pfizer is entitled to damages. Terrific.
2) Sprinkles Cupcakes of Beverly Hills, California is suing Philadelphia’s Sprinkles Yogurt for infringement. Either the cupcakes are too runny or the yogurt is too thick. Otherwise, it’d be hard to confuse the two (and, to be fair, both treats are better with sprinkles).
3) Luxo is suing Pixar. For some reason, Pixar decided to offer a Limited Edition Luxo Jr. Collectible Lamp Pack for the DVD release of Up. It’s $199.99 and comes with a lamp shaped like the one in the Pixar logo (which was inspired by John Lasseter’s Luxo lamp). Luxo is demanding all of the knock-off lamps be destroyed. Would this have happened if Disney hadn’t bought Pixar?
Newt Gingrich on yesterday’s indoctrina… sorry, speech which Obama delivered to all of the school-children of America (whose parents aren’t incredibly stupid): “I would love to have every child in America read it.”
Laura Bush also approved of the speech.
Your move, crazies.
South Carolina’s ridiculous governor, Mark Sanford, has a new book! “Within Our Means” promises to explain “how the GOP went astray” and detail Sanford’s “conservative values.”
When do you remove this asshole from office, South Carolina? Or are you OK with this adulterous and condescending prick representing you?
Cindy Adams predicts that A-Rod will cheat on Kate Hudson.
Well, DUH.
She also reveals that Michael Jackson did, in fact, bleach himself.
Well, DUH.
Don Bandleman, 69, didn’t agree with State District Judge Jack Robinson’s decision to grant temporary custody of his granddughter to his son’s ex-wife. So he followed the judge into the men’s room and called him “a fool.”
The judge then sentenced Bandelman to 30 days in jail (what’d he use as a gavel?), but when a state appeals court looked into the ruling, Bandelman was released (he’d served just 2 days).
And where did this happen? Why, Texas, of course!
Elio Valenti of Brooklyn writes in, begging the Post, “Don’t compare Obama with Bush. Bush is pro-America.”
Well… now he is (Cheney removed his arm from his asshole).
Two editorials about how awful Van Jones is.
WAS, folks. WAS.
Move on, dot org.
The Hobbit has cleared the hurdles of litigation and is ready to begin pre-production.
Thank God. Eleven hours of elves wasn’t enough for me!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
The Stella D’Oro factory that I spent my childhood inhaling is moving. To Ohio.
You can’t go home again.
Well, you can, but it won’t smell like cookies anymore.
Ben Roethlisberger’s lawyer just turned down a settlement offer. Ben is being sued/accused of raping a casino hostess. The hostess said she’d drop her civil lawsuit if Ben would just admit he raped her and apologize.
Will Ben regret not apologizing (even if he’s innocent) and letting it all disappear? Or will this woman regret ever opening this can of worms?
Whatever happens, I can only hope that the woman never raps about damage to her ass.
The Yankees beat the Devil Rays (again), putting Tampa Bay 8 1/2 games behind Boston in the Wild Card race. Texas is only 2 games behind Boston. And we are 9 games ahead of Boston in the AL East.
To clinch a spot in the playoffs, the magic number is 13.
To clinch the AL East, the magic number is 15.
The only thing that’s blemishing all this good news? Jeter went for 0-for-4 again last night. That’s 0-for-12 in his last 3 games.
Sigh. At least the second of Swisher’s 2 home runs last night made everyone happy (it was a walk-off in the 9th).
Now get some hits, Captain Clutch. Quit A-Rodding my sports page.
Despite yesterday’s paper assuring me that Curb Your Enthusiasm would premiere last night, it won’t until September 20th.
The Post stinks.
Have a lovely day, kids!
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