Archive for October, 2009
…is an actual medical condition. It’s on page 28 of today’s Post. More on that later.
Also, any kids in the Windsor Terrace or Park Slope area that want the candy that my wife and don’t like, there’s puh-lenty of chocolate Laffy Taffy and candy corn to be had.
The Baby Ruths (Babies Ruth?) are mine.
(cocks shotgun)
Derek Jeter all snazzed up as he enters Penn Station to board the team’s Philly-bound train? Front page news!
The sub-head of DRESSED TO KILL (which is, ironically, above the headline today) is Spiffy Jeter leads Bombers’ Amtrak charge into Philly, which makes me laugh. When the Phillies took the train into NY, the implication was “look at how crappy they are; they can’t even afford plane tickets!” But when the Yankees take the train into Philly, it’s an Amtrak charge.
Which might be the only time in history that the New York Post says something complimentary about Amtrak.
Standard Time! Standard Time! Bonus hour! Bonus hour!
At 2:00 a.m. tonight (well, technically, tomorrow morning), time will freeze for an entire hour. If you are holding onto the stopwatch, you’ll be able to move fearlessly through the world, stealing money and copping feels.
Jeez, the Working Families Party just can’t catch a break!
Either they’re fixing elections in incredibly sloppy ways or the Post is trying to fix elections by helping to slander legitimate candidates for their affiliation to an organization that helps the less-than-wealthy and is gaining political momentum.
(my guess is that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the ACORN)
A half-page full-color (what do you mean by “full-color”?) photograph of Madonna and some African orphans. I’ll let the caption describe what made me and the wife laugh out loud this morning.
“Waving a bottle of hand sanitizer, Madonna bids a bizarre farewell to children at the Home of Hope orphanage in Malawi. She got her hands dirty a day earlier, planting a sapling to mark the groundbreaking of her charity’s school for girls.”
I found the photo online.
Oh, Madge. You bony-armed, drag-queen-lookin’, non-orphaned-baby-stealin’, Kabbalah-believin’ shadow of your former self. Whatever will you do next?
Fred Grout, 42, of Dallas, Texas has built a replica of the Batmobile from the 1960’s Batman TV show. He built the body out of fiberglass and attached it to the frame of a 1970 Lincoln Continental. And the car’s rear jet actually spits fire.
It was put on eBay, but Fred refused a bid of $30,152 because he thought it was “too low.”
And anyone that considers paying more is too high.
Move over, Andrew Kelly! There’s a new cop who killed a woman while driving drunk! He’s Detective Kevin Spellman, 42, and he spent six hours in a bar (12:00 a.m. – 6:00 a.m.) before driving his U.S. Marshal-issued Chevy down Kingsbridge Avenue. To his credit, he immediately stopped his car and tried to help the woman (Drane Nikac, 67) while asking passers-by to call 911. Not to his credit, just like Andy, he refused to take a Breathalyzer test, so he had his blood taken 5 1/2 hours after the accident (Andy waited seven hours and got free gum from a pal!).
What’s awful is that Spellman sounds like a great cop and someone who, until yesterday morning, was worthy of our thanks and praise. Then he drove drunk and killed someone.
Is Todd Venezia a Phillies fan (sorry, phan)?
A-Rod seems to finally be OK with himself. The Post stopped running his photos on the cover of their “newspaper” while accusing him of being a fey egotist and A-Rod started dating someone in his own generation and had remarkable ALDS and ALCS series. Sure he’s had a weak (OK, non-existent) showing in the World Series, but two off-nights is not the end of the world and he may (re-)shock the world starting tonight.
So why did Todd feel the need to submit the page 7 sidebar A-Rod art hung like horse: ex for today’s paper?
“A-Rod — half man, half horse’s behind. The Yankees slugger is reportedly such an egomaniac that he placed pictures of himself depicted as a centaur — a mythical creature who is half-man, half-horse — over his bed, an ex-girlfriend said. ‘He was so vain,’ the unidentified A-Rod lover tild Us Weekly. ‘He had not one but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur.’”
There’s more, but A-Rod is a frequent reader of my blog, so I’ll stop there.
If A-Rod chokes tonight, it’s on you, Venezia.
Dominic Carter (BDD) has been suspended from NY1 and it sounds like his “indefinite leave” has become definitive. On December 11, 2008, he was in court facing assault charges (this time he was accused of punching, kicking and choking his wife, Marilyn) and he asked Judge Arnold Etelson if he would throw out the case against him.
“My wife was profiled last month in Oprah Winfrey’s magazine. I’ve appeared on the cover of The New York Times and TV Guide. This is not fair. I covered the state attorney general [Andrew Cuomo] and chief judge of the court of the state of New York. Judith Kaye is a personal friend of mine. Bob Morgenthau is a personal friend of mine.” BDD continued, “I travel constantly. My schedule does not permit for [counseling]. I didn’t do anything wrong, so I shouldn’t be mandated by the court to do anything. My political enemies, if they get [word] of this, it will end up in the Daily News.”
The NY1 General Manager (Steve Paulus) referred to Carter’s pleas as a violation of “every principal of journalism” and that “clearly, that kind of behavior is… something we would not tolerate.”
Maybe BDD could go into teaching. If he wound up working at the same school as White Dan Dunford, every day would be a sitcom littered with double-takes!
Skip this one, Teresa.
NASA plans of exposing “18 to 28 squirrel monkeys” to “low doses” of radiation in order to gauge its effect on human astronauts. This will be the first time in decades that NASA uses monkeys in experiments like these…
…unless Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt can stop them.
I’m still angry at Obama for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he’s overturning the 1987 ban that prevents people with AIDS from entering the United States… it makes me feel good, but then it makes me feel nauseous because I can already hear people using it as another example of how our Socialist Overlord is making our country less safe.
The woman who is charged (with her boyfriend) of “pummeling” her 4-year-old son to death (over a two-day period) will be allowed to leave prison to attend a private wake for him.
I have a feeling that there will be a lot of yelling. A lot. Maybe even some pummeling.
Teresa, remove Southwest Airlines from the list. They’ve earned a reprieve.
A 2-year-old on a flight from San Jose, California to Amarillo, Texas kept shouting “Go, plane, go!” and “I want Daddy!” as it taxied on the runway. His mother (Pamela Root, 38) said that she was confident that her son’s ear-splitting shrieks would have ended once the plane was in the air, but we’ll never know.
The plane went back to the gate and the mother and child were escorted off.
Pamela is now suing Southwest for the cost of the portable crib and diapers she was forced to buy (oh, and an apology — she demands an official apology, too).
And, until the airline gives her what she wants, she’ll be standing outside their corporate headquarters screaming, “Apologize, Southwest, apologize!” and “I want reimbursement!”
Sounds like Bernie Kerik is cracking under the pressure of living in the pokey. A jailhouse shrink says he’s exhibiting psychiatric “symptoms” and should be considered “at risk.”
Sources claim that Kerik “can’t stand humiliation” and that jail may push him to cross the thin blue line in his wrist with a whittled-down toothbrush.
In my mind, Rudy 9iu11ani scoffs at the idea. “Thewithide? Thatht’s ridiculuth,” he says through horse teeth and then he calls the cousin he married and they make plans for an awkward get-together.
Jon Gosselin is being counseled by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Shmuley told Jon to leave his girlfriend (the daughter of his wife’s plastic surgeon). Jon will give a speech (about that and a great many other things that have a lot to do with Judaism, I’m sure) at the West Side Synagogue at 7:00 p.m. tomorrow (thereby proving the non-existence of God).
Says the Rabbi, “Jon will either be remembered as a man who cheats on his wife and is intoxicated by fame, or a man who has fought to redeem himself.”
Are those really our only two options, Shmuley? What about everyone not remembering him at all. Can we swing that in, say, a year’s time? If he stops being allowed to give speeches at synagogues?
More 9iu11ani news — this time in reality!
He’s been stumping for Chris Christie in New Jersey. If Corzine beats Christie, they’ll most likely credit Chris Daggett (an Independent challenger) will stealing away just enough of Christie’s votes to make a difference in the outcome. Daggett told a reporter, “I don’t know why he’s coming into New Jersey and trying to tell us how to run our state.”
Rudy responded, “I feel very welcome [in New Jersey]. I understand one of your candidates told me to go home. Nobody should vote for him, there’s no chance of winning.” He later referred again to Daggett as that “third-party candidate who nobody should vote for.”
I wish I could vote for Daggett.
I wish I could vote for James Van Bramer.
Angelo Maragos has a half-page ad that proclaims Angelo Maragos is telling the truth and lists three horrible things about his opponent, James Van Bramer.
The first two allege that JVB falsified documents to make it look like he lives in Manhattan (but he really lives in Long Island City!) and that he claims to be endorsed by the Daily News and New York Times (but they haven’t endorsed anyone in this race!). The third horrible thing?
“Bramer is endorsed by ACORN.
FACT: ACORN is so corrupt that the US Congress identified them as a criminal enterprise involved in election fraud, and voted to stop funding them”
Next to the list is a drawing of a smiling squirrel holding an acorn and the headline Meanwhile, Bramer is still squirreling away ACORNs
What does that even mean? That JVB is hiding criminal organizations to eat when it gets really cold outside?
Somewhere up in Heaven, Charles Darwin is grabbing someone and shouting, “See? See? Nature is telling you something! Stop fighting it! Let the herd be thinned!” and pointing at the latest FDA warning. This one says that a number of people wearing MedicAlert necklaces are getting them caught on things as they fall down and that old folks who wear the necklace should ask their doctors whether or not they should switch to the bracelet.
This makes me wonder if I should stop production of my new line of MedicAlert devices inspired by America’s favorite games you can play on paper. The Tic Tac Toe Choe-ker and Hangman Noose-lace had such promise.
Sigh.
You’re gonna need a smaller boat. This one is way too big to catch a shark with.
The Oasis of the Seas weighs 225,282 tons. It has room for a crew of 2,165 plus 6,296 guests.It’s 1,187 feet long (that’s 10 feet more than the Chrysler Building’s height).
If it ever capsizes, will the Post feel guilty for referring to it as the World’s most titanic cruise ship?
Anna Nicole Smith’s creepy “lawyer” and “boyfriend” and “enabler” will stand trial (along with two of ANS’s “doctors”) for “fueling her addiction to prescription drugs.”
Whatever happened to her ugly assistant? The one who had a monster crush on her? Kim? Was that her name?
She should totally testify and stuff.
Evan Dukofsky of Riverdale writes in to tell Andrea Peyser that “[Her] comments on alcoholism and substance abuse are terribly ignorant.”
Which makes me wonder if Evan has ever read any of Andrea’s comments on anything besides alcoholism and substance abuse.
Regurgitate Male Reproductive Organs (sorry, Ralph Peters) declares that “The Obama administration’s [sic] un-American attempt to vilify Fox News only increased the network’s popularity.”
Then he goes on to kick and scream about “a global leftwing [sic] assault on the freedom of information.”
He also proclaims that “The American media elected Obama. No presidential candidate’s past ever went so deliberately underexposed.”
It made me think of this clip from a recent episode of The Daily Show. Fox News is such a farce.
If you have 11 minutes, click here and enjoy.
Finally! Page 28!
In 1972, the University of Maryland Medical School addressed “a benign medical condition” wherein the inability of some children to “break down the heavily dyed breakfast foods” caused their bowel movements to change color.
They called this condition “Frankenberry Stool” and while I have never eaten Frankenberry, I do remember the childhood joy of eating Boo Berry and seeing bright green leavings later that day.
I may buy a box of Frankenberry the next time I’m at Target. Just to see what magical change occurs in my guttyworks.
Hey, Dan Aquilante, fan of music and hyperbole, what’s just about the worst idea ever conceived?
“The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just about the worst idea ever conceived — turning music’s most vibrant, muscular form into dusty museum fodder.”
Thanks, Dan!
(holds up lighter)
The phans of the Philadelphia Phillies can really be phucking assholes.
Jorge Posada’s father attended a Yankees-Phillies game in 2006 — and had beer poured over his head.
“They are an interesting group of people,” Jorge said of the mouth-breathers that hang around outside Pat’s so that they can look at passing tushies and high-five each other, before setting fire to one of their city’s seemingly endless supply of abandoned warehouses. “They go personal here,” added Xavier Nady, who used to play baseball.
But it’s David Wells, who’s been writing mini-editorials for the Post while the World Series is going on, who says it best. “I put Philadelphia, Cleveland and Oakland atop my list for the worst fans in baseball, with Philadelphia No. 1.”
He tells of a TBS broadcast he did in Philly earlier this postseason (with Cal Ripken Jr., Dennis Eckersley and Ernie Johnson) where Phillies phans would walk by and call Wells “you fat piece of shit” or shout “Ernie Johnson sucks” and “Tell Cal he’s gay.”
“It’s not Brotherly Love in that town — it’s Brotherly Hate.”
Philadelphia is Hamsterdam.
Guess who Phillies manager Charlie Manuel is talking about here:
“He’s a lot like anybody else who ages — his stuff is kind of starting to dwindle down.”
Did you guess Cole Hamels? Me, too! But he’s actually referring to the man who just surpassed John Smoltz with 16 wins in the postseason, Andy Pettitte.
“I’ve seen [Andy] pitch on TV a lot, and I’ve definitely seen him pitch against our Cleveland team. We used to have some pretty good success against him, and I think we are ready for him,” Manuel continued.
Andy, now you have to win. And not just win — you have to dominate. You have to make this jackass (who won’t start Lee in Game 4!) eat his poorly chosen words.
The man he chose to start Game 4? Joe Blanton. Who is 0-3 with an 8.18 ERA against the Yankees in his four starts against them.
“As a player, it makes you feel good,” Blanton said. “It makes you feel like [Manuel's] really got your back… It makes you feel good about you and about him trusting you.”
That’s beautiful, Joe.
Yankees in 6 (with us winning Game 4).
Dennis Hopper, 73, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
I think he’ll be around for a while yet. He’s a fighter, that one.
VH1 is proud to announce the start of I Want to Work for Diddy 2 this Monday. What happened to the two people who won I Want to Work for Diddy 1? They won’t say. But maybe one of them took the rap for a club shooting that Diddy committed and the other one is still looking for Diddy’s missing ring?
Less than two hours to Game 3.
Hold my calls.
(Guess what movie is playing as I write today’s entry. Here’s a hint: “Oh, Jennifer Aniston, can’t you see that Steve Zahn’s mildly retarded stalker loves you — despite knowing nothing about you — and that Woody Harrelson is a jerk?” Here’s another: The New Pornographers and Brendan Benson are both featured on the soundtrack and it is making me very sad — they both deserve way better.)
In special parts of Brooklyn (Windsor Terrace is one of them!), Friday’s Post is now stuffed with the new issue of The Brooklyn Paper – 12 pages of local news and some coupon inserts. Last week’s coupons included one for a free box of pasta. I have 10 of them. So far, I have gotten 2 free boxes. Still haven’t tried it, but you can’t argue with the price.
‘Daddy’ punishes Pedro as Yanks even series
SPANKED!
Three runs on six hits in just over six innings is considered a spanking? Really? 3-1 is a spanking? Huh.
Dont get me wrong — I am pickled tink that the Yanks won last night, but Pedro wasn’t terrible any more than Sabathia was terrible the night before. But I guess you can’t fill a front page without hyperbole (right, Rupe?), so I’ll let it slide.
Incidentally, umpires should be fined for every call they fuck up.
How’s that Second Avenue Subway coming, MTA? I mean, now that your drilling isn’t destroying the foundations of the buildings above it.
Oh, one of your subcontractors broke a water main? And it flooded the basement (and mechanical room!) of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center? But you don’t expect it to cause an further delays? Swell.
Good thing it was a subcontractor. Huh? Huh? See what I did there?
I hate the MTA. So. Much.
Starting Sunday at midnight, taxi rides in NYC will cost you an extra $0.50 — and that money will go to the MTA. The cost for getting into a cab is now $3.00.
I. Hate. The. MTA.
So much.
Rabia Sarwar, 37, is a devout Muslim. She married Sheikh “Eddie” Naseem, 41, five months ago.
Naseem claims that Sarwar (despite living in America for over a decade) had never been exposed to “American culture” (hasn’t that become a contradiction in terms?). Naseem introduced her to alcohol (her favorite drink was a Black Russian!), contemporary fashion and pork.
So she slashed his throat, face and hands.
The Post’s headline: ALLAH THE RAGE
The sub-head: SI Muslim bride stabs hubby for ‘infidel’-ity: cops
The caption under the photo of Sarwar (leaving court, covering her face): PORKY REVENGE
The caption under the photo of Naseem (his hand and neck bandaged, his cheek scarred): JIHAD ENOUGH
At every turn, the Post has taken pun-jabs at these poor people.
(sorry)
The front and back page and 11 pages in the sports section aren’t enough — page 5 is all about last night’s game. Apparently, we won. And Yankee fans were happy about it.
Joe Jackson “decked out in creepy sunglasses and a blinged-out, black, chalk-stripe suit” was allowed on Extra for some reason and made the declaration that Michael Jackson (one of the children he was fond of abusing — mentally and physically) is “worth more dead than when he was alive.”
E-he.
Black Dan Dunford (Dominic Carter)! How could you?
Here are some new revelations that the Post has discovered: Dominic’s wife’s brother (Larry Stevens) claims that Dominic has been physically and verbally abusing Marilyn Carter for twenty years and that Marilyn’s family “has repeatedly begged her to leave him”; during his marriage to Marilyn, Dominic has “fathered two children with his high-school sweetheart”; and that Dominic once called his wife “a dumb project bitch.”
But when Marilyn took the stand yesterday, she claimed that the bruises she told police she got from her husband (during the alleged attack last October 22nd) were actually from “a mysterious day laborer.”
I wonder what Pat Kiernan thinks of all this.
B’also? Come see my new improv group, Mysterious Day Laborer next Wednesday @ 8!
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are dating!
Taylor Dayne could be reached for comment, but it was crowded and noisy at the soup kitchen so I just left.
O.J. Simpson’s daughter claims that, since sharing a cell with him, her father’s White supremacist cellmate has “changed his stripes.”
It’s nice to know that some good has come out of his killing her mother.
Joe Lieberman was at Yankee Stadium last night? And he made it out alive?
Booooooooooooooooo.
Lou Dobbs told his audience that people are shooting at his house because of his views on immigration (really, Lou — it couldn’t possibly be because of any of your other abhorrent views?).
“My house has been shot and hit… and you know what, I’m not in the mood to put up with little fools like Geraldo Rivera.”
Someone please tell Lou that Geraldo was born in Manhattan. And that Obama was born in Hawaii. And that the best thing for a headache is drinking poison.
Jon Gosselin is denying the report of his (and Octomom’s) new reality dating show.
I think I’m going to start using Gosselin’ as a verb. What should it mean?
(I’m like a straight Dan Savage! Who doesn’t give advice!)
David Spade says he made that Direct TV ad (look in our spiffy video section to watch it) “to honor Chris Farley.”
B’also, he got paid $200,000.
B’also also, the Farley Family was reportedly “on board with the concept from the very beginning.” So, ultimately, if it’s true that they’re cool with it, we should be, too.
Creepy though it is.
“At the World Series, I personally wondered why every ballplayer spits. Close up, cameras in their face, they all spit. Why is that?”
Cindy Adams gets to go to the World Series? So that she can write about what she (personally) wondered about spit?
Double boooooooooo.
Cindy also offers up a Kenny Rogers quote that will make you extremely uncomfortable. Ready?
“I like plastic surgery. It’s fun. The pain is really wonderful.”
You got to know when to fold ‘em, know when to tuck ‘em, know when to suck away, ‘n’ know when to inject botulism into your face.
Hooters waitresses are suing their employer because they are forced to buy the uniforms they wear ($19.43 for a shirt, shorts, pouch, socks and beige pantyhose).
Doesn’t McDonald’s do the same thing?
They’re also suing because they have to share their tips with the kitchen staff.
OK, that might be illegal.
Will the plaintiffs please rise and jiggle?
Anti-Semitism is at “a historic low” in this country (it’s only been this low one other time since the level started being measured in 1964) according to the Anti-Defamation League.
As it was in 1998, only 12% of Americans are prejudiced toward Jews now.
Hooray?
Sometimes, the actual quote is the punchline.
“The fact that it weighs in at nearly 2,000 pages — more than 620 pages longer than the government takeover of health care Hillary Clinton proposed in 1993 — is as good an indication as any of just how costly and unsustainable Speaker Pelosi’s proposal is.” — House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio)
Hear that? The fact that it’s longer than the one in 1993 is as good an indication of the proposal’s unsustainability as any other GOP objection. Nice boner, Boehner.
Bill O’Reilly’s INCONVENIENT ASSOCIATES begins (appropriately enough) with “In the beginning, there was the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a fire-breathing Chicago preacher who believes America is a bad place.” The guy who paid one of his employees millions of dollars to end her sexual harassment lawsuit against him goes on to namecheck Michael Pfleger, Bill Ayers, Rashid Khalidi, Carol Browner, Kevin Jennings, Van Jones, and Judge Edward Chen in an effort to paint the current POTUS as an America-hating radical.
But, lest you think he’s not fair and balanced, O’Reilly proves his objectivity in the final paragraph.
“Does that mean [Obama]’s Che Guevara in disguise? Not necessarily.”
Do I think that Bill O’Reilly should have all his skin peeled off and ground into sausages that he is forced to eat? Not necessarily.
Magazines are firing people left and right.
Remember when the movie Big predicted electronic comic books? They exist now (though the special players never materialized). And I buy a newspaper every day and I pick up The Onion, The Village Voice and New York Press every week, but rarely if ever go to their websites. I prefer the tactile experience of turning pages. But I’m an old man who remembers having to race home for TV shows and phone calls.
I honestly don’t understand why there is still a print media. Or why it will cost you $35.00 to read Stephen King’s new e-book. I find that unnecessarily e-xpensive.
But why can’t someone create a magazine that people subscribe to — and receive — online only? Create a site that people want to go and dont worry about having to deal with the Post Office or that whole cutting-down-trees-to-make-paper thing.
If Rolling Stone was a weekly e-magazine that was easy to navigate around and cost $5 a year, how many millions of people would subscribe? Food for thought. Or the ramblings of a caffeinated grouch. You make the call!
Rachael Ray has started an online petition to get Hall & Oates in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.
Of course she is.
I switched to a different movie. See if you can guess what I’m not-really-watching now. Here’s a hint: “Dear Rachel Miner, the things happening to your character, Penny, can only be described as dreadful. Regards, Jed.”
No baseball tonight.
No Bill Maher, either.
Triple boo.
ESPN is on a roll!
They’ve pulled a link to a Kenny Mayne video from their homepage after acknowledging that it was inappropriate. I guess when it was first posted, standards and practices were out having a taco.
Bud Selig, the answer to the question “what would the offspring of George Burns and Bill Gates look like?” doesn’t feel that the game of baseball (of which he is the commissioner) has not been “diminished” by the horrifically erroneous umpiring in the postseason. And he still doesn’t want instant replay to possibly overturn obviously botched calls.
A pox on you, Bud. A heavy-on-the-sores pox on you.
That double-play in the 8th should have been a bases-loaded-with-one-out situation, not the beginning of the 9th. And Utley was safe at first.
Bethany’s right. Robot umpires are the only way to go.
Looks like Hideki Matsui really wants to come back next year. Another home run like the one last night and he might just get to.
B’also, looks like Teixeira and Rodriguez are back in their regular bodies since the start of the World Series. Tex hit a home run last night and A-Rod is 0-for-8 (5 were strikeouts!) after Games 1 & 2
Was that Pedro Martinez’s last game ever? It might have been.
Huh.
Thanks for the memories, son.
And thanks to A.J. Burnett for reminding me why he was paid so much to wear pinstripes. 1 run on 4 hits in 7 innings? That might have been iffy against Lee, but it was more than enough to get the job done. And I no longer fear his next start.
And thanks to the Post for running a photo of Derek Jeter’s throw to first in the 8th, which resulted in a (wrongly-called) double-play. The captions credit it as THE KEY MOMENT which end[ed] the eighth inning.
We were the home team. That was the top of the eighth. You are a horrible newspaper.
Linda Stasi asks When did reaching for the raunch become OK? because she had this epiphany that television has become raunchy, but isn’t sure when it started.
Whatever year that lady leaked bowel movements on the floor and stairs of the house that Flavor Flav was pretending was his. Or the one where Danny Bonaduce went crazy and relapsed on-camera. Whichever came first.
Is Heroes being cancelled?
So?
In just over four hours, the weekend will officially start. I’m hoping to make at least one of Dog Court’s two shows on Sunday (I highly recommend that you do, too).
Happy Friday afternoon!
Poor Sabathia.
He gave up only 2 runs in 7 innings (both were solo homer runs by Chase Utley). Hughes came in and faced two batters — and walked them both. Marte, Robertson, Coke… the best you can say about all three is that their ERA is 0.00 (after 1 game).
Bruney is someone I thought would really shine in the postseason. I was hoping he’d surprise people. Now I wish I had been more specific. His ERA is 54.00.
It’s a best-of-7 series, so there’s no reason to freak out about one loss (especially since there’s only one Cliff Lee). We’ll even it up tonight and prove (once again) who Pedro’s daddy is.
Wal-Mart now sells caskets.
“Dad Remembered” and “Mom Remembered” are just $999.00, while the “Executive Privilege” will run you $1,699.00.
The latter is for people who want to feel like a success, despite buying their casket at Wal-Mart.
The City Council has approved an 82-story tower on top of the Museum of Modern Art in Midtown.
It will be 21 feet smaller than the Chrysler Building.
How much you wanna bet it gets finished before Ground Zero?
Rep. John Carter (R-Texas) has challenged Charlie Rangel to post his tax returns online to prove that he paid the government every cent he owed them.
No word yet from Raspy-C, but it should be noted that Carter failed to report $300,000 in profits from oil stock sales in 2006 and 2007. He eventually made good with the IRS, though, and posted the proof online.
Can I vote for Vince Morgan yet?
Mike Sheehan, 61, used to be an NYPD detective. Then he got a gig as a Fox 5 reporter.
Then he drove drunk… into a police horse.
He was fined $500, will serve 5 days of community service and got his license suspended for 90 days. He was also fired from WNYW-TV.
Mike Sheehan, ladies and gentlemen.
Say it ain’t so, Black Dan Dunford!
Dominic Carter is due in court today to face charges that he “punched, choked and kicked” his wife in their home in Rockland County.
Cops have been called to the home 4 times in the last 2 years for domestic disputes. The “most violent incident” occurred on October 22, 2008, at which time Dominic was arrested.
I wonder what Roger Clark thinks of this…
Andrea Peyser really outdoes herself today. She declares that the Yankees had better start winning, lest their fans revolt (shut up, Mets fan) in Yanks, just say thanks!; she ridicules Jennifer Aniston for saying that her showers last no longer than three minutes (“And — wait for it — she said, ‘Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day!’ No way! Everything?”) in Water girl Jen is really all wet; in The skinny on fat city, she… I’m actually not sure — she sarcastically refers to the Department of Health as “the obesity police” and mocks their claim that providing calorie counts at fast-food joints has resulted in people buying less fattening fare, while admitting that she’d rather starve than eat a 400-calorie fat-free muffin (which she would have eaten, had the calorie count not been provided by the obesity police); and calls sex-addiction rehab “a great way to meet horny chicks” in Rehab a made-up cure for sex jerks like Steve (bonus points for referring to Brooke Hundley as “pleasantly plump”). She also makes fun of Maureen Dowd.
Oh, Andrea. Why can’t you fall down a lot of stairs for a few hours?
A “top official at the Transport Workers Union” called the MTA board a bad name at yesterday’s public meeting.
“I think you people are so detached from reality because you don’t use the system. You guys are just a bunch of doody-heads,” said Andreeva Pinder.
Pinder’s fruit cup was immediately taken away, as were recess privileges.
Though Pinder did give me a great idea: Everyone on the MTA board is not allowed to use taxis or cars. Ever. Let these millionaires get where they’re going via mass transit. Maybe Jay Walder stepping in some bum doodies will speed up renovations.
Cindy Adams wants you to know that, before she performs, former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell pees in a cup. Oh, and Moby loves to clean his toilet.
Thanks, Cindy. Say hi to Joey for me.
Soon.
Remember Jamal “Shyne” Barrow? He went to prison for taking the fall for that club shooting in 2001 (you know, the one that P. Diddy probably committed?). He served 9 years.
And now he’s being deported to Belize.
Fun fact: In prison, he converted to Judaism and now goes by Moses Leviy (seriously).
Two pages on Roman Polanski and the original testimony of the girl and the HBO documentary and… once you read the girl’s original testimony (“And then he went down and started performing cuddliness… He placed his mouth on my vagina… I was ready to cry. I was kind of — I was going, ‘No. Come on. Stop it.’ But I was afraid.”), you will find it repulsive that anyone would speak out on this guy’s behalf.
Anyone who refers to “cunnilingus” as “cuddliness” is far too young to be participating in it.
Earl Banks, 46, was masturbating on an A train Tuesday afternoon. He approached a woman who “fended him off with an umbrella” and exited the train. Banks followed. The woman alerted police.
Banks’ excuse for whipping out his junk on the train?
He was trying to urinate.
Earl Banks, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, Mattel.
This is the “Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken” doll. But lest you think Mattel was being vulgar, their spokeslady explains, “The little dog’s name is Sugar. That’s where the name comes from. He’s Sugar’s daddy, as a reference to the dog.”
“B’also,” she continued, “he likes to pay men to have gay sex with him. He also has sex with the dog. In the gayest possible sense.”
The woman who drove a minivan into an oncoming car (she was doing 70) in Queens on Monday (resulting in the death of 2 children (5 and 15) and putting another 5-year-old in a medically induced coma has confessed to having a drink prior to driving.
Oh, and smoking some crack.
Oh, and doing some heroin.
Put Sheila Bethea in a cage and never ever let her out. Ever.
Some police in India were bothered by a rank odor that kept wafting into their station house. After two years of trying to figure out the source, they found it.
It was a corpse. On their roof.
Seems it was supposed to be sent to the coroner, but it was put on the roof instead and forgotten about.
Thank you, India, as that Canadian lady once sang.
Remember “The Twinkie Defense” from the Harvey Milk trial?
If you thought that was ridiculous, get ready for the “I’m Too Fat To Commit Murder Defense”!
Edward Ates (no pun intended) is accused of killing his son-in-law, but his lawyer contends that — at 285 pounds — there’s no way his client could have descended the stairs (let alone climbed them) where the murder was allegedly committed.
The attorney’s biggest fear? Since landed in jail, Ates has lost 60 pounds.
“It visually impacts it. I’m probably the only person in his life that told him not to lose weight.”
Aren’t lawyers wonderful?
Fox News medical contributor (whatever that means) Marc K. Siegel penned The Public Option in the Real World for today’s op-ed section. It begins, “Like many doctors, I’ve been looking at my panel of patients and trying to decide whether a ‘public option’ in health reforms will help them. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a single patient where it will.”
Paging Doctor Disingenuous. The public option will help people who CURRENTLY DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE. Not necessarily the patients of a smug douchebag who likes to see himself on the TV.
If Siegel and Joe Lieberman were both drowning and I could only save one of them, I’d take a nap.
Why is there a Lingerie Football League? And why are the playing a game tomorrow night?
Who is this supposed to appeal to? People too embarrassed to masturbate to legitimate pornography?
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell testified before Congress that he won;t acknowledge a connection between head injuries suffered on the football field and brain diseases later in life.
Which leads me to believe that he played football some years ago.
A.J. Burnett is a good pitcher. Not extraordinary,but better than average. He has a 4.07 ERA.
He faces Pedro tonight and I have butterflies throwing up in my stomach.
If the Yankees can’t get their act together soon, maybe New Yorkers will be able to take solace in the Giants/Eagles game on Sunday?
That is, if the Giants win.
Pedro Martinez is allegedly still angry about the Post referring to him (in 2004!) as “The Man N.Y. Loves to Hate.”
Tell you what, Pedro. You give up 7 runs tonight and you’ll be The Man N.Y. Loves.
Oh, for fuck’s sake…
TLC has announced that, like a poo phoenix rising from poo ashes, Table for 12 will replace Jon & Kate Plus 8.
The “new” “show” will feature the Hayes Family of New Jersey — they have two sets of twins and one set of sextuplets thanks to fertility treatments — and should begin airing next month.
If America has learned absolutely nothing from the Gosselins, it will watch this drek and ensure the creation of many more “shows” like this.
America has learned nothing.
The pilot for Jon -Kate = Jon + Octomom (the actual title) has been greenlit and Jon (and Octomom) are on board. Details are here.
Happy now, America?
President of the Catholic League Bill Donohue who, if Hell exists, will have his own office park there when he dies, has targeted Curb Your Enthusiasm as the next great evil. Why?
Because in this week’s episode, Larry accidentally gets a drop of urine on a painting of Jesus Christ.
“Would he think it’s comedic if someone urinated on a picture of his mother?” asked Donohue.
So… Jesus Christ is Bill Donohue’s mother? Sounds like someone’s working on a New New Testament!
Of stupidity!
Don’t look for those giant red V’s in the sky. ABC decided that maybe (just maybe) it wasn’t a good idea.
The Washington Post estimated that the stunt would have spewed 3 tons of carbon dioxide and 800 grams of lead into the atmosphere.
In another brilliant move by ABC, the first four episodes of the show will air in November. The next four will air in March.
As for Southland, there are hunches and hopes, but still nothing definite (click here for more). Fingers crossed.
Linda Stasi apologizes for panning Community, giving tonight’s episode three stars.
She also pans (again) Parks and Recreation, giving tonight’s episode two stars.
So… if it’s great it gets three stars and if it’s horrible it gets two?
Linda Stasi, ladies and gentlemen.
That’ll do it, kids. The weekend approaches (it’s just 30 hours away!) and (knock on wood) Game 2 of the World Series starts in less than 9 hours. Hopefully it will have a happier ending than Game 1.
G’day!
You’re welcome.
(and I’m sorry)
Thanks, Doug!
Susan Finklestein is a Phillies fan and a whore. Wait. That’s not fair.
Susan Finklestein is a Phillies fan and tried — unsuccessfully — to be a whore.
SEX FOR TIX
Phillie femme: Let’s play ball
Here is the ad Susan posted on Criagslist:
DESPERATE BLOND NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia)
Diehard Phillies fan — gorgeous tall buxom blonde — in desperate need of two World Series tickets. Price negotiable — I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!
S.
The ad caught the attention of a cop who scours the Internet for indecent proposals like this, so he set up a meeting with Susan.
He told her that he only had one ticket. She insisted on two. He said his brother might have an extra ticket. According to Bucks County Public Safety Director Fred Harran, “She offered to take care of both men.” When pressed as to what she specifically offered to do, Harran replied, “Let’s just say she wanted to go around the bases the other way.”
Her attorney scoffed, “I don’t think a married woman named Mrs. Finklestein is going to be a prostitute. She’s a rabid fan who, if anything, was overcome with Phillies fever.”
Is her lawyer implying that married Jewish women can’t be prostitutes? Yo, man, that’s racist.
We hope Susan and her husband (he must be so proud that she was willing to sleep with two brothers so he could watch his team lose!) recuperate phrom their Phillies phever phast.
Other Phillies-bashing articles on pages 6-7 include one in which Ryan Howard complains that he should’ve been the one in a cheerleader outfit on yesterday’s front page (“I might pull it off a little better than Shane”). The article goes on to say, “The Phillies may have a sense of humor, but judging from the hundreds of mostly unintelligible e-mails sent by mouth-breathers in response to the story, their fans clearly do not.”
Mouth-breathers… mouth-breathers… where have I heard that before?
Reed Tucker’s Feeble fandom in the City of Brotherly Duh has a photo of Jon Gosselin holding up a Phillies jersey (he’s from Wyomissing, Pennsylvania). That makes me feel better about 9iu11ani being a Yankee fan.
Away over their heads accuses the Phillies of “acting like a bunch of uptight deer-in-the-headlights rubes since they arrived” and of “pigging out like a claque of teenage schoolgirls who just got dumped.”
The 50% chance of rain makes me sad (though the 50% chance of no rain gives me hope).
Go Yanks!
Teresa? Don’t look at page 3.
It’s a photo of a chimp funeral in Cameroon.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
A former female staff writer for Letterman has written a piece for Vanity Fair (click here) that claims the atmosphere behind the scenes was/is decidedly different than what’s been reported in the last few months.
Great article, sad reality.
Alex Stucki and Devin McClain have admitted that they forced 19-year-old fraternity pledge Arman Partamian to drink for three days straight, resulting in Arman’s death. They pleaded guilty to criminally negligent homicide.
Their sentence? Four months of weekends in jail.
Outstanding.
A juror wrote a letter to the judge in John Gotti’s current trial to complain about one of the jurors. The letter claims that the juror (a Black woman) has been hostile to other jurors and that she ordered fried calamari to go (on the Court’s tab!) during one of their off-site lunches.
The letter ends with “P.S. The reason this letter is being mailed and not delivered is to avoid a worst [sic] situation then [sic] already exists.”
Please require prospective jurors to take IQ tests.
Please.
Ryan Seacrest will produce The Bank of Hollywood on E!
The show’s premise? “Contestants pitching a money-making idea to business leaders.”
What an original idea for a show!
Bonus points: Candy Spelling is rumored to be a judge!
If there is a God, it needs to smite Joe Lieberman. A lot.
Bloomberg and Thompson had another debate last night?
Why?
The 1,000 nurses at Lenox Hill Hospital have threatened to strike unless a new contract is agreed to in the next 10 days.
If the strike goes ahead, many patients won’t know the difference.
Karla Giraldo is asking that Hiram Monserrate’s restraining order be lifetd so that they can resume their “intimate relationship… without further unnecessary interruption.”
This will end well.
A French court convicted the “Church” of Scientology of organized fraud. They were fined $900,000.
It’s a start.
A man was mugged in Union Square Park yesterday, according to the NYPD DAILY BLOTTER. Last line of the mini-story: “The victim but was not seriously hurt.”
I’m assuming they meant to say “The victim’s butt was not seriously hurt.”
Police caught the two guys who beat up a man a block and a half from our apartment last month.
Windsor Terrace is a utopia once more!
Amtrak loses an average of $32 for every passenger that gets on one of their trains.
Sorry, Randy.
In his new autobiography, Andre Agassi admits to once using crystal meth.
Considering he’s seen Barbra Streisand naked, I’d call that incredible restraint.
The 24-page World Series pull-out section!
… is surprisingly boring.
Lou Lumenick has two things to say about This Is It: “It’s bad” and “Beat it.”
One star.
Now that Bye Bye Birdie is getting panned, the next big-budget remake on Broadway will be… Carrie: The Musical?!?
It closed after five performances! And that was with Betty Buckley!
All of a sudden, Shrek: The Musical For Some Reason seems brilliant.
Starting pitcher for the Phillies in Game 2?
Pedro Martinez.
Awe. Some.
Is Girardi going to switch out Francisco Cervelli and Freddie Guzman for Eric Hinske and Brian Bruney?
I surely hope so.
The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 has aired.
Let the healing begin.
Confirmed: Gordon Ramsay had Botox injections in his chin.
(No duh.)
And that’s Tuesday.
Pray for the opposite of rain.
Later, gators.
GOTHAM TREMBLES
The Frillies are coming to town!
This wholly legitimate headline is accompanied by the top half of Shane Victorino Photoshopped onto the bottom half of a female cheerleader. The caption: “Only in the City of Brotherly Love could Shane Victorino pass for a slugger.” Let’s hope no one reads that to Shane!
The two-page spread that the front page directs you to is chock-full of Philadelphia-bashing. PITY THEM PHILLY PHOOLS has the sub-head Their fans are second-rate & so is their city (to be fair, Philadelphia is a truly horrible place). The accompanying Tale of the tape graphic matches up NY and Philly in a variety of categories (we win all of them, natch). There’s also an article on the Philly Phanatic (Phanatic a pain in the mascot) that includes this observation from Patrick O’Neill, 22, of the Bronx: “Mr. Met is even better than that — and Mr. Met is retarded.”
Usually, if I want to read such mature insight, I have to read a Michelle Malkin editorial.
Poor Bernie Kerik. A judge just pushed his trial back another two weeks.
That’s two more weeks in jail for 9iu11ani’s former best buddy.
Let’s hope he likes pizza.
Bloomberg promises that, if re-elected, he’ll make our public schools the best in the nation (by 2013) and improve our mass transit system.
I want that in writing.
Steve Phillips is once again in rehab for sex addiction.
Brooke Hundley is now unemployed.
Bob Griese is still insensitive.
Working Families blasted over ’scam’ to boost pals at polls declares the sub-head (of SUIT RIPS ‘GUILTY’ PARTY). Apparently, “five aggrieved Staten Island voters” have filed a lawsuit against the Working Families Party that charges them with “an audacious scheme to violate the law.”
The WFP is accused of creating Data and Field Services (DFS), which is hired by candidates (whom the WFP backs) to do phone banking, polling and other similar campaign services. The WFP than “dramatically undercharges” for those services, allowing the candidates to get more bang for the bucks they’re allowed to spend.
WFP spokesman Dan Levitan calls the lawsuit “baseless and fraught with error. The facts it alleges are false. This is nothing more than a desperate attack one week before Election Day.”
Also targeted in the lawsuit? (all together now)
ACORN!
The red flag for me was when the article claimed that five people on Staten Island know what “audacious” means.
Speaking of which, the NYPD has started using “GPS systems” (which is like saying ATM machine, no?) to help their officers find their way around Staten Island (“which is notorious for its dead ends and unmapped streets”).
I wonder if outfitting every police car on Staten Island was cheaper or more expensive than putting up street signs and/or updating some maps.
MTA Fun Fact: 25% of all weekday trains and 50% of all weekend trains are late — and the delays are getting worse.
On weekends in August, the E, F and R trains were delayed over 90% of the time and the G was on time just 17% of the time.
But, at least it costs more now.
Roman Polanski’s victim, Samantha Geimer, is urging a California appeals court to throw out the case against the director/rapist. Her attorney claims that all of the attention the case is getting is giving her “health problems and job worries.”
Don’t do it, appeals court. It’s already been established that when Geimer says she wants something, she doesn’t really mean it.
Researchers claim that Israeli Jews who survived the Holocaust are more likely to contract cancer than other Jews.
Chosen people, my ass.
Someone mugged Diane von Furstenberg on a street in Madrid.
Wouldn’t it be funny if 300 celebrities all signed a petition begging a judge to not press charges against her mugger?
(she signed the Polanski petition)
Did Paul Haggis quit the Church of Scientology because of their support of Proposition 8?
Yes!
So, if you have a gay-friendly religion founded by aliens 75,000,000 years ago, give him a call.
Professor Irwin Corey, 95, “had to be removed from the podium” at Soupy Sales’ memorial after “his eulogy turned into a diatribe about health-care reform, in which he insisted that Soupy — along with Odetta, Eartha Kitt and Miriam Makeba — died prematurely because of inadequate treatment.”
Then he asked people to go into their parents’ medicine cabinets and mail him their pills.
Could Disney be more despicable?
They just unveiled (no pun intended) a new line of bridal dresses and engagement rings.
Their Belle gown is $4,000.
Their “Jasmine-inspired” wedding ring is $5,680 (not including the diamonds).
And their mouse still isn’t funny.
The Post is actually criticizing Obama for spending as many days on the golf course thus far (24!) as his predecessor did in “almost three years.”
Bush spent more time on vacation than any other POTUS. Ever. After our nation’s worst terrorist attack. After starting a bullshit war (and a half-assed legitimate one). He just didn’t like golf as much as Obama does.
But this is a newspaper that uses more ink to insult Philadelphia (for having the audacity to play a New York team in the World Series!) and incriminate the WFP and ACORN than it does to help its readers understand the current health-care debate.
Par for the course.
(pun intended)
One of the Harvard scientists who drank coffee spiked with sodium azide “cannot think it would be an accident.”
They don’t teach tenses anymore at Harvard?
On page 16 (today on page 16), there’s a less-than-half-page article about how Harry Reid is adding a public option (that states can opt out of) in the health-care reform bill.
Page 23 will have the Post’s take on this. I can’t wait.
Poly Prep Country Day School in Dyker Heights (Brooklyn in the house!) is being sued by seven alumni who claim that the school’s football coach (Philip Foglietta) molested “dozens, if not hundreds” of boys — and that the school “condoned and facilitated Foglietta’s criminal behavior because he was a highly successful football coach and instrumental in raising substantial revenue for the school.”
A case was brought against the school in 2005, but it was thrown out because the plaintiff had waited over 5 years to report the abuse (statute of limitations in the house!).
Thankfully, there’s no statute of limitations on ignoring reports of abuse so your school can get more donations.
[insert joke about how you'd think Dyker Heights would be safe for boys... here]
Rich Lowry provides the Post’s opinion on the public option.
Surprise! He hates it. A lot.
Which is how I feel about Rich Lowry.
And Betsy McCaughey also hates it and insists (yet again) that Obama is going to kill your grandparents.
Shut up, Betsy.
Those two Bear Stearns hedge funders that face up to 20 years in prison for their financial shenanigans just got some good news. The personal e-mails they exchanged in which they predicted that their company could “blow up” in a subprime mortgage crisis of some kind have been thrown out by a judge.
Their attorney argued that the e-mails “had been obtained using a flawed and and on overly broad subpoena that was unconstitutional.”
The law is a ass.
A 30-second spot during the WOrld Series costs $400,000.
A 30-second spot during Sunday Night Football costs $339,700.
A 30-second spot during House costs $183,300.
A 30-second spot during The Jay Leno Show costs between $48,800 and $65,700.
Ad revenue is down, ratings are down, ratings for the news that follows it is down… great job, NBC!
The Wall Street Journal took out a full-color two-page ad that trumpets its ascension to the #1 slot in total circulation. It shows how The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post and Chicago Tribune have all dropped in circulation.
Not on the list? The New York Post. Which is owned by Rupert Murdoch. Who owns the WSJ.
And which I’m sure has dropped its total circulation over the last year.
Fun fact: Andy Pettitte would not have been offered a contract by the Yankees this year, if not for the lobbying efforts of… Mariano Rivera.
Another Fun Fact: This will be Alex Rodriguez’s first World Series appearance.
Children that are 2-5 years old now watch (on average) 32 hours of TV a week. 6-11-year-olds watch 28 hours a week.
Which still shouldn’t imply that there’s anything good on.
Tom DeLay is a guest on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? all week.
It’s like ABC and NBC are fighting to see who can give criminals more of a chance to taint the jury pools of their upcoming trials.
Will DeLay or Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) get the most out of their newfound TV celebrity? Stay tuned!
Linda Stasi reviews By The People: The Election of Barack Obama (three stars!) and references (three times!) how Obama has now banned “certain news organizations” from covering him.
Linda, Fox isn’t “news organizations” (let alone one).
Wow! It’s still the morning! I’m-a get stuff done today! Stay dry, peeps!
* World Series may not accurately reflect the entire world, especially any part of it that falls outside of the continental United States and Toronto.
Last night’s game was more of a nail-biter than my stomach would have liked, but Andy got the win, Mariano got the save and all of the game’s most horrific errors were committed by Angels.
The reason I begin with the Yanks is because today’s front page shows Jeter, Teixeira and A-Rod embracing after the final out of last night’s clincher. I’m sure Derek and Mark are jumping in the air and Alex is crouching before joining them, but man does he look tiny in comparison. JOY! proclaims the headline beneath them… which implies that the Post is referring to New York City as Mudville.
Which I think is incredibly racist.
Fredric(,) U. Dicker has the hot EXCLUSIVE that Andrew Cuomo has secretly notified Rudy 9iu11ani that he intends to run for governor. Now Rudy can stop telling the press that he “thstill hathsn’t dethighted whethuh awe not [he'ths] going to theek electhsheun.” B’also? “Insiders” predict that when Cuomo officially throws his hat into the ring, he’ll be so far ahead of Paterson in donations that the incumbent will have no choice but to drop out of the race.
We’ll see, insiders. We’ll see.
Ivanka Trump got married to Jared Kushner yesterday.
Wouldn’t it have been funny if, after the bride and groom kissed, Donald Trump popped out from behind the altar and shouted, “You’re married!”?
And then he fell on some thumb tacks dipped in tabasco sauce?
Six Harvard medical researchers were poisoned by drinking coffee laced with sodium azide (a common lab preservative) in August. They were treated at a hospital once their symptoms appeared and are now all fine. Police still aren’t sure if it was a malicious act, an accident or proof that Harvard has dropped its standards considerably after losing billions in the stock market.
“This movie features body doubles, no doubt about it. I think people will tear this movie apart.”
That’s Joe Jackson on the upcoming documentary of his son, This Is It.
He even beats documentaries about his kids!
Paranormal Activity was the #1 movie this weekend? It even beat Saw VI?
Does this mean we’ll be spared Saw VII? Please?
“Steve Phillips is no longer working for ESPN. His ability to be an effective representative for ESPN has been significantly and irreparably damaged, and it became evident it was time to part ways,” said an ESPN spokesman. Steve is entering a treatment facility “to address personal issues.”
And, presumably, have a taco.
O’s Afghan ‘ploy’ is a marvelous ploy. See, the article quotes Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) on yesterday’s State of the Union (on CNN) accusing Obama of “playing politics” with the troop levels in Afghanistan. Hatch expressed concern that Obama is “waiting until after this election because they have some tough governorships up for election.”
Whether Hatch meant that Obama is ignoring the war to focus on the elections or that Obama knows he’s going to do something unpopular and is waiting until people have voted before revealing his plan, I don’t know.
What I do know is that accusing someone of playing politics is a form of playing politics. Jerk.
Jeffry Picower made billions through Bernie Madoff and was the target of a $7,000,000,000 lawsuit from Madoff’s victims. He was found floating in his pool yesterday. BERNIE’S BUDDY DROWNS IN CASH also reveals that his body showed no injuries and police are still investigating.
A family spokesperson claims that Picower also had “heart-related medical issues.”
[insert joke here]
That amnesiac teenager is from Washington. Her name is Kacie Peterson, 18. This was her second known amnesia attack.
Happy ending!
The MTA thinks that the solution to the overcrowding of the B61 line is to cut it into two lines (the B61 and the B62).
That makes perfect sense. To fight the congestion of the area, make people have to transfer to a different line to get where they’re going. Smooth sailing guaranteed!
From the creators of Smart Cards!
James Gandolfini and The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton met for the first time recently when they shared an elevator. The next day, Al Sharpton found a three-pound salami and a card in his office from Gandolfini.
Unless the card read, “For your ass, you monster.” I do not approve.
Levi Johnston (Bristol Palin’s babydaddy) has a manager named Tank Jones (seriously) who is “90 percent sure” that Levi’s upcoming Playgirl shoot will feature full-frontal nudity.
As opposed to one of those Playgirl shoots that consist entirely of tasteful nipple pics?
Cindy Adams relates the story of a well-to-do woman who brought her baby into a Starbucks, filled the baby’s bottle with milk from the fixin’s bar and left.
Which reminded me of the other day when a woman (dressed in expensive workout clothes, texting on her iPhone) filled her entire thermos with coffee from the free-sample communal dispenser at Trader Joe’s on Court Street.
This is exactly what Rome was like right before their empire crumbled.
Andrea Peyser borrows a page from the GB1990 folks (they’re the people that keep asking for proof that Glenn Beck didn’t rape and murder a girl in 1990 [they have no reason to believe he did, but they also have no hard evidence that he didn't]).
Andrea (allegedly) got an e-mail from Organizing for America that tells the story of “Jenny U.”
Jenny (allegedly) donated a kidney to her son and was thereafter branded as “having a pre-existing condition” by the insurance companies and has been denied coverage for herself ever since.
Andrea doesn’t say that Jenny isn’t a real person. That could get her in trouble. Instead she asks, “Is Jenny for real? I’m still waiting.” and refers to Jenny’s story as “the nasty insurance fable.”
“Jenny U.,” she later asks, “where are you?”
The GB1990 folks are satirists. Peyser is just a scumbag.
Other “musings” on her page include accusing Rosie O’Donnell of treating her soon-to-be ex like a slave (“Rosie routinely calls Kelli her ‘wife.’ And during Rosie’s 2003 federal trial for breach of contract, I saw Kelli wait on her ‘husband’ hand and foot — bringing food and drink, rubbing Rosie’s back, and speaking only when invited to do so.”) and a nice piece that reprimands ESPN for continuing to employ Steve Phillips (hey, Andrea, turn to page 5 of today’s paper).
God must be so proud!
The parishioners at St. Patrick’s Church in Chatham, New Jersey were asked by the replacement priest to focus on forgiving José Feliciano for murdering Rev. Edward Hinds.
They hissed at him. They literally hissed their disapproval.
Amen.
We jump from the story about a janitor who murdered his boss in the hopes of keeping his job, to a woman from California who took a cab ride from Manhattan to Long Island yesterday and, upon realizing she was $62 short on the charge (not including tip), she sprayed the driver in the face with pepper spray and ran away.
Amina Williams, 22, might have gotten away with it, too… except she took the cab to the Marriott in Melville. Where she was staying. And where police found her and arrested her.
So close, Amina!
Another person was mugged in Central Park yesterday after someone asked him what time it was.
I have yet to read about someone who answers, “I don’t know what time it is” and still gets mugged. Seriously.
Wear your ignorance like a shield, New Yorkers!
Yesterday morning, a guy goes to a restaurant in Iowa City, Iowa. Another guy approaches him, accuses him of being a zombie and punches him in the face. He tries to call the police, but the other guy punches him in the face again, breaking his nose.
Woody Harrelson couldn’t be reached for comment.
The Brooklyn woman (Myrna Chen Phang, 25) and her boyfriend (Steven Dadaille, 26) accused of beating her 4-year-old son to death last week are in police custody. A source claims that Steven “said the mother was too easy on the kid.”
They (allegedly) beat the child with a belt for two days, starting last Wednesday night.
Tell me again why the death penalty is wrong.
So… it’s Gore Vidal’s fault?
George F. Will discusses Michele Bachmann’s rise to power in the surprisingly complimentary Minnesota’s Republican Firecracker (it’s surprising because I thought George F. Will wasn’t an idiot — my bad).
“She and her husband danced at Jimmy Carter’s inauguration. Shortly thereafter, however, she was riding on a train and reading Gore Vidal’s Burr, which is suffused with that author’s jaundiced view of America. ‘I set the book down on my lap, looked out the window and thought: That’s not the America I know.’ She volunteered for Reagan in 1980.”
Fun fact: Bachmann used to be the nanny for Gretchen Carlson, co-host of Fox & Friends! LOL!
NBC stations are starting to get angry about The Jay Leno Show. In 44 of the top 56 metered markets, the 11:00 p.m. newscasts are losing viewers — an average of 13% in the first four weeks of the season. New York is down 22%, Miami is down 30% and Philadelphia is down 37%. Hope it was worth it NBC.
Thanks again for killing Southland.
Page 30 is a full-page ad for the Christmas release of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. It includes an “alvin pumpkin stencil” that will help you carve a crude Alvin face into your pumpkin (what could be more Halloweeny?).
They forgot to remind parents to save the knife for their eyes when they bring their kids to the movie in December.
Don Mattingly was supposed to meet this week with the Cleveland Indians about possibly becoming their new manager.
They just hired Manny Acta.
Sorry, Donnie.
U.S. basketball player Kevin Widemond, 23, played for the Ovarense Dolce Vita. During a break in the game yesterday, he dropped dead of cardiac arrest.
Rafael Castro, 18, played in the New York Mets’ Latin America farm system. He died on Friday in Venezuela of what is being called “an apparent heart attack.”
In a related story where nobody dies, Yusei Kikuchi, 18, has decided not to play baseball in America (the Mets and others were enthusiastically courting him), opting instead to keep playing in Japan.
Looks like the Mets will have to go to Plan Q (or is it R now?).
Pedro Martinez starting Game 2 of the World Series? Yes, please!
Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on film eating a hot dog on the sidelines during the 4th quarter of yesterday’s game.
“I want to apologize for doing that. I wasn’t feeling very good and couldn’t eat much before the game. I felt a little queasy and toward the end of the game I probably should have eaten one of those [energy] bars or something.”
No, Mark. Eating a stadium hot dog really fast and then running around in football equipment is usually great for nausea.
Torii Hunter on the Yankees: “We got beat by the best team. If they lose [the World Series], I’ll be ticked off.”
You and me both, Torii.
Most playoff wins of all time for a pitcher? Andy Pettitte with 16.
16… and counting.
So… it’s Chelsea Handler’s fault?
Jennifer Aniston had so much fun as a guest on Chelsea Lately that she agreed to host her own talk show on OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network and I swear I’m not kidding).
I think she’s only doing this so that she can meet celebrity men.
Linda Stasi loves the new show on TLC about a guy who makes cakes. It’s called Cake Boss. And it’s just like all those other people-who-make-cakes-for-a-living shows with one major difference: This one is called Cake Boss.
Sorry for the delay — the bus back from Pathmark was mad late. Tomorrow I’ll get a much earlier start. Peace out.
In the creepiest way possible!
Now that’s what I call tasteful.
Last night’s torrential downpour cancelled Game 6 of the ALCS until tonight. Without a reason to sit next to my radio, cursing and frightening my wife, I decided to get some crusty bread for today’s brunch (instead of doing it at 8:30 in the morning).
Fun fact: When it rains hard, the streets of Park Slope fill up with water. I mean that literally — it doesn’t just pool up near the curb, it fills the entire street.
So, with sneakers filled with water and the remnants of a cold, I got two lovely baguettes and (on a hunch) some uncured duck bacon (it paid off big time). This morning’s brunch was a colossal success. A carnivore’s delight with a side of eggs and grits.
While digesting this sumptuous feast, I somehow managed to buy today’s paper. The woman on (most of) the cover (I’m 80% certain) is Rose McGowan (for some unexplained reason). The rest of the cover reveals the killer of Edward Hinds (the Chatham, New Jersey priest). He’s a 64-year-old janitor at Hinds’ church named José Feliciano.
José stabbed Hinds in the face, neck and back 32 times because… he was afraid that he was going to lose his job.
CHOOSE THE PUNCHLINE:
1) Well, at least he won’t lose his job now.
2) I’m not sure what’s more impressive — that a blind man stabbed someone 32 times or that he worked as a janitor for 17 years.
3) Eyewitnesses report seeing Feliciano fleeing the scene of the crime and wishing everyone a merry Christmas “from the bottom of [his] heart.”
Somebody has stolen a (large) number of license plates from Homeland Security vehicles and local police cars.
Is this part of a diabolical new terrorist plot? Bored high school kids? Fraternity hazing? Stay tuned!
Caught on camera!
Liev Schreiber and Matthew Broderick removing the license plates from their Vespas so that police cant issue them tickets!
So crafty, those millionaires.
The World Health Organization has discovered a “definitive link” between “long-term cellphone use” and brain tumors.
Can you fear me now?
(see what I did there?)
The POTUS has declared the swine-flu outbreak a national emergency.
Which, I’m sure, infuriates Michelle Malkin for some reason or another.
Oh, ESPN. You so classy.
During yesterday’s Ohio State-Minnesota football game, a NASCAR promo ended by asking the question, “Where is Juan Pablo Montoya?” [Editor's note: Apparently, he's a Colombian driving who has fallen in the rankings.]
Analyst Bob Griese responded, “He’s out getting a taco.”
ESPN has already issued a statement calling the Griese/greasy remark “inappropriate” (and they should know — that seems to be their chief export).
Oh, Post. You so classy.
A top geneticist (Professor Svante Paabo, director of genetics at the Max Planck Institute in Germany) has been studying the genetics of Neanderthals and early humans and has come to the conclusion that the two groups had sex with each other.
The title of the Post’s article is Cavemen dabba-did Neanders.
A security guard approached Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson on the set of The Other Guys and asked if he could get a photo, as his son is a big fan of his. Dwayne angrily explained that he can’t take pictures with everyone who asks him. The security guard replied, “Fine, but my son isn’t a fan anymore.”
In a related story, The Tooth Fairy looks horrible.
In an interview with Esquire (which took place before his recent arrest), Roman Polanski offered, “There was no plot against me. There was no setup. It was all my fault.” He also said, “I think that my wrongdoing was much greater than Bill Clinton’s.”
Gee, Roman. You think?
He also declared, “There’s a different justice for people who are public figures than for those who are not.”
I wonder which of his palatial European estates he was lounging in when he said that.
What will replace Shrek The Musical For Some Reason as the most unnecessary book-to-film-to-stage adaptation on Broadway? Catch Me If You Can The Musical For Some Reason has actually gotten some rave reviews, so it won’t be that. No, my money is on the still-being-written-by-Heywood Gould adaptation of the 1988 movie by Heywood Gould (which was an adaptation of the 1984 book by Heywood Gould), Cocktail.
You heard me. Cocktail The Musical For Some Reason. And guess who they want for the female lead. Go on, guess.
Katie Holmes. For some reason.
Lindsay Lohan has been dropped by her record label. And Hollywood. And that lesbian.
Great photo on Page Six (today on page 13) of Heather Mills practicing her ice skating for the upcoming British TV show Dancing on Ice.
Don’t the British know that she only has one leg? And that she is a heartless shrew?
Cindy Adams is standing in the box. Now she just needs to lie down and sleep.
Today she attacks celebrity fads (which, according to her timeline, have gone from babies to drugs to pets to diets to greed to extramarital affairs… ?). “Kim Kardashian or Khloe Kardashian or Kourtney or Kook, whatever the name is, announced she wants six [babies]. One to go with each of her IQ points.”
Wait… which Kardashian said that? All of them (except Kook) have their own TV shows (and, to be fair, YOU put them [her?] on your list of celebrities, so don’t act like they’re nobodies if you insist on cementing their reputation as somebodies), so it’d probably be appreciated by the readers if you could attribute the quote to the actual person who said it and not just the gene pool she swims in.
Joey is lonely, Cindy. And cold. So very cold.
Police officers in Dallas, Texas have been issuing tickets (at $204 a pop!) to drivers who don’t speak English.
Texas and South Carolina are now neck-and-neck in the 2009 Shame of the Nation Championship.
Octomom dressed (8 of) her (14) kids up in tiny devil outfits and dressed herself as a pregnant nun. And the Post not only took a picture of them, but published it, too. So now I know that it happened. And so do you.
Sorry.
The family of that amnesiac teenager who quoted that book has allegedly come forward to claim their missing child.
They live in Washington (the state, not the POTUS).
A happy ending (if that’s indeed what this is) is a wonderful thing (get your mind out of the gutter).
When Sarah Palin endorses you, you get mad love from the New York Post! That’s why Doug “Who?” Hoffman of the 23rd Congressional District in upstate New York gets to write a full-page editorial about how conservatives should “TAKE BACK THE [Republican] PARTY!” from the Republicans who aren’t very different than their Democratic rivals.
Of course! The biggest problem with the current GOP is that it’s compromising too much!
Wait.
Peggy Noonan. Remember when she wasn’t a laughing stock? Me neither.
“At a certain point, a president must own a presidency. For George W. Bush that point came eight months in, when 9/11 happened. From that point on, the presidency — all his decisions, all the credit and blame for them — was his. The American people didn’t hold him responsible for what led up to 9/11, but they held him responsible for everything after it. This is part of the reason the image of him standing on the rubble of the twin towers, bullhorn in hand, on Sept.14 [sic], 2001, became an iconic one. It said: I’m owning it.”
The honest truth? I don’t remember that image. But whenever I think of 9/11 and George W. Bush, there is one “iconic image” that pops up immediately. In fact, when I Googled “George Bush 9/11″ it was the first (and fifth) image that came up.
Second (and fourth) one that came up:
Third one that came up:
Peggy goes on to criticize Obama’s “excuse-begging and defensiveness.” Something W. was never guilty of. Right, Pegs? He just “owned it.”
The article about Democrat Creigh Deeds’ doomed-to-failure Virginia gubernatorial campaign contains one of the greatest paragraphs ever printed: “Deeds’ supporters, unsurprisingly, weren’t pleased. One of them, Virginia strategist Mudcat Saunders, told CNN, ‘For them to say if he had listened to us they would win, that’s chickenshit.’”
That’s some solid strategery there, Mudcat.
The sub-headline of The Big Chill is “Forget global warming — the average temperature peaked in 1998 and has been falling since. Where to place your financial bets now that we’ve settled that argument.”
And who has decided that global warming has been unequivocally proven false? James Altucher. Is he a scientist? Nope. He’s a hedge-fund manager. Who invests heavily in oil, gas and nuclear energy.
More fair and balanced reporting from Rupert Murdoch.
While Paranormal Activity looked like it could have been filmed for $15,000, I assure you it wasn’t.
It did, however, get boring almost immediately.
(if you dislike mediocre improv, the dialogue in the movie will drive you crazy)
If Courtney Love and Steven Tyler had a baby and then threw it in a dehydrater for 80 years, it would look exactly like Donatella Versace.
There’s a photo on page 107 that makes it seem like Alex Rodriguez (lying on his stomach after sliding into second) is getting an incredibly painful “happy ending” (get your minds back in the gutter) from one of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
The version I found online shows more than the one in the paper (making it clearer what’s going on), but it’s still hilarious (to me). Also, disregard the Babe Ruth photo in the corner.
Poor Kate Hudson.
Game 6, hopefully, begins in roughly three and a half hours. Hold my calls.
And go Yanks.
Feeling under the weather (which, given the current weather, is pretty low). Teresa is an excellent nurse, though and a Honeycrisp apple goes a long way. So, paper in one hand and a tissue in the other (don’t ask what I’m typing with), let’s check out today’s 68-page newspaper (featuring 29 pages of sports!).
Darth A-Rod is the top half of the front page, featuring a photo of A-Rod in a gray hoodie (just like most of the Star Wars characters who weren’t Darth Vader!) and the explanation “Alex aims to strike back against Angels” (see what they did there?).
The bottom half (MURDER IN THE RECTORY) begins the story of Reverend Edward Hinds, 61, who was found murdered in the kitchen of the St. Patrick Church in Chatham, New Jersey.
I wonder if his murderer (who still hasn’t been found) will use the “it was God’s will” defense.
Bill Thompson will lose the election, but at least he’s being fined $125,775 for plastering 1,677 illegal posters across the city.
Every NYPD Highway Patrol officer was pulled from their regular posts and rushed to a firing range yesterday after a malfunction was discovered in their new shotguns. They were all traded in for the older models and each officer was quickly recertified to use them.
Which means that the best time to speed was yesterday (sorry for the late notice).
The Hollywood thieves who, in the last year, have robbed the homes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Orlando Bloom (among others), have been caught!
And they’re all teenagers! With horrible taste in celebrities!
In his stand-up act, David Cross has claimed to have snorted cocaine at this year’s White House Correspondents dinner “maybe 40 feet” from Obama.
Your less-than-half-your-age girlfriend must have giggled her Hello Kitty hairclips off!
The Swiss Justice Ministry says that Roman Polanski faces 2 years in prison if extradited.
That… that can’t be right, can it?
Mayumi Heene has admitted to authorities that she and her dick husband Richard cooked up the Balloon Boy hoax and told their children to lie to the authorities and the media about it.
The Denver Post claims that Dick admitted that the balloon was specifically built for the hoax.
But Dick’s attorney called Mayumi’s confession “meaningless” because “her English is not that great, first of all.”
Here’s an idea: Let her confess in Chinese (or whatever her native language is) and then have it translated into English!
B’also? Shouldn’t you be more concerned about what your client actually said instead of what his wife might have meant?
According to a restraining order she filed in August, Brooke Hundley (described today as “the schlubby seductress”) once told her supervisor that Steve Phillips gave her an especially strong drink and then cornered her and tried to get her to come to his hotel room. She was told to “get used to it.” She claimed that Phillips wouldn’t stop textually harassing her (I just coined this phrase — it’s all mine!) until she finally did go to his room. She also claimed that Phillips would threaten her to be silent and spread rumors around the office that she was a slut.
She dropped the restraining order in September for some reason (prolly in exchange for Phillips insisting that no charges be filed against Hundley).
Ah, young love (with your old married boss).
J.Lo (once known [as Jennifer Lopez]) is unveiling her new alter-ego tonight.
Mariah has Mimi, Beyonce has Sasha and J.Lo now has… Lola.
I always thought she might have a penis…
You know those “Smart Choices” labels on packaged food that have been appearing (seemingly arbitrarily) on such healthy products as Froot Loops and Cracker Jack? Well the nine manufacturers that began the nutritional marketing plan will now stop.
Federal regulators pointed out that the labels “could mislead consumers,” so Kraft, General Mills, Kellogg and all the others decided to continue making poison, but not to label them as beneficial.
Smart choice.
Hey, Facebook? It ain’t broke, so stop trying to fix it.
Some of the plaintiffs in two cases against Eastman Kodak are unhappy with the proposed $21,400,000 settlement. They charged the company with paying their Black employees less than their White employees.
The roughly 3,000 people would get an average of roughly $7,133.33, which some consider unacceptably low.
And yet no one seemed to mind Kodak repeatedly referring to the plaintiffs as “nice, bright coloreds.”
If I were their attorney, I’d argue entrapment.
A woman entered a bar in Massachusetts and started telling everyone about her huge insurance payout. Then she started waving around $27,000 in cash.
Two men waited for her outside the bar with a gun and, when she exited, they robbed her.
Police are currently looking for “two men who can see and hear.”
Sarah Palin, who for some weird reason continues to not shut the fuck up, as most of the country would prefer, is endorsing a third-party candidate in New York’s 23rd Congressional District race because “there is no real difference between the Democrat and the Republican in this race.”
So, she quit her job (before serving a single term) and now she’s quitting her party?
Palin in 2012!
Jonah Goldberg compares the Democratic Party to the people who were killed in the 2004 Asian tsunami.
He also calls Ross Perot the “inspiration of tea-party protestors.”
Perot has a show on Fox News now?
The Post is absolutely apoplectic about how a Democrat locked some Republicans out of his House committee.
And many Republicans are also beside themselves with rage over Obama’s seeming favoritism with some left-leaning newsfolk.
If you can breathe through your nose, I needn’t remind you that this sort of thing happened (a lot) during the previous administration.
Maybe I should go to library and find the Post editorials that denounced this behavior when the GOP was in power.
Arthur Shadforth of Cocoa, Florida writes in to say, “New York needs a soda tax to provide New York politicians with the money with which to buy votes.”
How ’bout you worry about Florida and New Yorkers will worry about New York. OK? After all, I don’t write to Cocoa’s newspaper (The Cocoa Pebble) and tell you guys whether or not you should eat dinner in the afternoon.
I would very much like Pettitte to get the win that puts us in the World Series. Sabathia’s great, but Andy is in what might be his last year of pitching (where have I heard that before?) and (give or take a few years) has been a Yankee longer than most of his teammates. One more postseason win would also give him the record (he’s currently tied with John Smoltz at 15).
The sports pages say there’s an 80% chance of rain. Let’s hope this weather prediction matches up with their last two.
Torii Hunter told the media that the Angels were getting ready to “shock the world” this weekend. Derek Jeter’s response?
“Last I checked, I think we’re in pretty good shape.” I totes agree.
Game time’s at 7:57 tonight. Hold my calls.
Michael Starr has a way with press releases (and an irrational hatred of Mad Men). Sometimes (when someone’s sick, Im guessing), the TV section lets him write reviews of TV shows. Here’s how his review of tonight’s 48 Hours Mystery: Haunted begins.
“Last night, MTV aired My Super Psycho Sweet 16, a spoof of slasher flicks. Tonight, MTV’s corporate sibling, CBS, airs a 48 Hours Mystery episode featuring another killer. But this time, it’s no laughing matter.”
How can I nominate this guy for an award?
Okey-dokey. We’re having a friend over for brunch tomorrow, so I don’t know when (or even if) I’ll have time for you until mad late.
Try to be strong.
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