Archive for October 2nd, 2009

Is there nothing this guy… is?

And when I say “we,” I mean “the single person (actually, she’s married) who does everything for this site (except the writing). Now that I am no longer a “perma-freelancer” at the magazines I’ve written for for the last four years (for! for! four!), I’m starting to get desperate in the money department. So, I’ve decided to install ads on the site. Hopefully they won’t make anyone sad.

Will this solve my job/money problems? Uh… no. Will it make me smile to get a check from Google for eighty-two cents in three months? Absolutely.

For some reason, all I see is a rectangle that says “Clicky Here…” but maybe that’s cause I’m kind of a big shot here. Feel free to let me know what your experience with the ads is like.

And now, David Letterman’s penis.

---

Sorry. I read the headline wrong.

David Letterman’s on-air confession

I HAD SEX WITH STAFF

Bares extortion plot

I caught wind of this last night (I have many Facebook friends who read Variety). But the Variety article wouldn’t load for some reason so I made the mistake of checking YouTube (not realizing that they were talking about an episode of The Late Show that hadn’t aired yet). What I found was Larry King reading some of Letterman’s quotes on his talk show.

The only thing worse than imagining David Letterman having sex with some of his staff members is Larry King narrating those images.

Apparently, Letterman was being blackmailed (to the tune of $2,000,000) over his past dalliances with members of his show’s staff. Last night, he told the audience that he had, in fact, had sex with staff members and that “I feel like I need to protect these people — I need to certainly protect my family.”

Especially Paul.

In today’s paper, it says that a “high-ranking producer” at 48 Hours has been arrested and charged with the extortion — Robert Joel Halderman, 57. If 48 Hours did a show on this, I’d totally watch.

---

An article in the medical journal Lancet claims that most babies currently being born in rich countries are now expected to live to be 100 years old.

Which completely ignores… Apocalypto!

---

According to a poll (of 600 kids “conducted by Comcast’s on-demand Activity TV”), 23% of kids will be wearing a Hannah Montana mask for Halloween. 22% will wear an Obama mask.

Other confusing data informs me that The Joker was voted “the most ghoulish mask” (27%) “followed by Voldemort, Dracula and Paula Abdul.”

It’s so much easier when the jokes write themselves.

---

As an apology to their fans, the Mets are reducing their ticket prices at Citi Field by 10-20% for next season.

As Dennis Miller once said about crappy things on sale, “Two of shit is still shit.”

He then went on to say “Harriet Tubman eating GoGurt at Guadalcanal, while watching Mama’s Family.”

---

Looks like the talks with Iran were fruitful, no? I mean, Iran is allowing inspectors to come in, they’re sending most of their enriched uranium to Russia to be converted into fuel… this is a good thing, right?

Not according to Grampa Angry, John Bolton. “They’ve now got the United States ensnared in negotiations. This is like the movie Groundhog Day.” It is? Great! Then no matter what Iran does, we’ll all wake up the following morning and get to relive the day! Forever!

Stop talking to John Bolton, everyone!

---

The first authorized Winnie the Pooh sequel in over 80 years will be released next week. A collection of 10 short stories, Return to the Hundred Acre Wood will introduce a new female character — Lottie the Otter. The author, David Benedictus, said he created Lottie “for the other characters to bounce off.”

Kinky!

---

Brian David Mitchell. Explain to me why we shouldn’t rape him with a machete until death. I’m sincerely curious.

He’s the guy who, we learned yesterday, raped Elizabeth Smart every day (many times) during the nine months she was his hostage (at 14).

Is it really better to have multiple hearings over many many years just to determine whether he’s mentally fit to stand trial? Can’t we all agree he’s fit for a box in the ground?

---

Did Mary-Louise Parker steal singer Charlie Mars away from his girlfriend?

How very Claire Danes of her!

(but only if Charlie’s girlfriend was pregnant with his child at the time)

---

Page Six (today on page 10) claims that so many people left a recent performance of Othello during intermission that the director, Peter Sellars, appeared onstage before Act II to ask that those remaining fill in the seats in the front of the house.

Ouch.

---

Quentin Tarantino told an Italian talk show host that he’ll soon be making Kill Bill 3.

Oh boy! More worshipping of Uma Thurman’s feet!

---

“Author” Steve Dennis just wrote Britney: Inside the Dream, which (among other things) reveals Britney Spears’ favorite aliases.

Ms. Alotta Warmheart (“because she had such a warm heart”), Mrs. Diana Prince (which the author attributes to Lady Diana, ignoring the fact that that’s Wonder Woman’s secret identity), Queen of the Fairy Dance (“because she was the dancing fairy”), and Mrs. Abra Cadabra (“for no apparent reason”).

Great job, Steve!

---

Hmm…

Page 12 (today on page 12) has a sizeable article about how The Center for Consumer Freedom is fighting back against the overprotective Department of Health.

I wonder if this article helped them sell the CCF a full-page ad in yesterday’s paper (not to mention the ones that preceded it).

---

The Indonesian death toll has passed 1,100 plus hundreds of injuries. They believe that hundreds of residents are still trapped in the rubble of the hundreds of buildings that collapsed. UNICEF reports that tens of thousands of people are now homeless.

Send good thoughts to Indonesia.

---

Nike says that it did NOT re-sign Michael Vick to an endorsement contract. They claim that they were only supplying him with “gear.”

Whew! I thought the company that pays 8-year-old $0.04/hour to stitch together $200 sneakers might be doing something sketchy! Thank God I was wrong!

---

Almost two full pageson Victoria Gotti (not her book, thankfully — they’re following the John “Junior” Gotti trial where she testified yesterday).

Whatever happened to her trio of retarded children?

---

Cindy Adams has stopped speaking English.

“With raunchy dialogue now pervading television, coming up is a TV rating system. ‘G’ will mean General Audiences, ‘PG’ will mean Parental Guidance, and the newly devised ‘JL-17′ will mean Jennifer Lopez is going to appear just long enough to clear up our teenage son’s zits.”

She also tells some great jokes.

“Q: Why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q: Which of your five senses diminishes with age? A: Your sense of decency. Q: To make a parachute jump, how high should you be? A: Three days of steady drinking should do it.”

Q: Why isn’t Cindy Adams buried in the ground? A: I honestly don’t know.

---

Things the Michael Jackson autopsy taught me that I can never un-know:

He had tattoos of “dark marks by both eyebrows, under his eyes and a pink tattoo around his lips.” He weighed 136 pounds when he died (NOT 112, as previously reported). He had plastic surgery scars “by both ears, at the base of his neck, and on his arms, wrists, navel and abdomen” (and also, surprise surprise, his nose). He was “still producing a normal amount of sperm at the time of his death.”

Doctors say they also found Emmanuel Lewis living in Jackson’s rib cage.

---

Let’s peek in the mailbag… oh, Lord.

“Trying to send Polanski to the lion’s den, despite all the legal arguments, is something that will get more and more out of proportion. It will be much wiser and more generous to leave this exceptional man alone. Dear Roman, you have my full support.” The brief letter is signed:

Vangelis

Composer,

“Chariots of Fire”

Athens, Greece

First Woody Allen, now a guy from the place that invented forced anal sex with 13-year-olds. Lucky Roman. Incidentally, France said it would stop fighting Switzerland on the extradition. I guess France finally read the victim’s statements.

---

Upchuck Dongs (sorry, Ralph Peters) explains why we shouldn’t be sending more troops to Afghanistan.

“The call to send 40,000 more US troops to Afghanistan ignores a crucial military principle: Don’t reinforce failure.” He goes on to explain that “Anyway, we don’t have the troops to send — unless we want to ruin our exhausted ground forces.” Which is odd, since he wants to send those same exhausted troops to Iran.

“God help me, I find myself on the side of Joe Biden on this one. But I’ll pray for my soul later.” Don’t bother. It’s long gone.

---

Bill O’Reilly criticizes Obama for “dancing on the far-left side of the floor” (which I’m sure made sense to him when he wrote it). He adds, “Michael Moore and his crew speak for a very few Americans. Thank God.”

1) What constitutes “a very few Americans?”

2) There is no God, Bill. I cite you as proof.

---

Kyle Smith gives Zombieland three stars. I’ve seen the trailer at least four times. It looks awful.

Lou Lumenick gives A Serious Man four stars which made me excited… until I saw Ethan Coen’s signature on one of the Polanski petitions.

Smith gives The Invention of Lying two stars, calling it “a dour, shouty atheist manifesto.”

V.A. Musetto gave the new Bai Ling movie one star, which means she must not take off her clothes in it.

Pete Hammond gives Whip It four stars (he also gave four stars to his breakfast cereal, the sky, the change in his pocket and Hitler).

---

Sunday is the 35th annual Atlantic Antic (Atlantic Avenue between Hicks Street and Fourth Avenue) from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.

Street fairs are like Domino’s Pizza or White Castle to me. Once a year I think, “that sounds like a fun idea” and then I go and walk around and realize I don’t want any of the crap people are selling and swear to myself that I’ll never do it again.

Maybe I’ll see you there…?

---

CC Sabathia is pitching tonight. Will he win his 20th game of the season (for the first time in his career)?

Other playoff-bound teams include Boston, both L.A. teams, the Phillies, the Cardinals and the Rockies. The last slot is still being fought over by Detroit and Minnesota — if Detroit loses the rest of their games and Minnesota wins the rest of theirs, the playoff berth goes to the Twins. Otherwise, Detroit gets it.

And who’d have thought that, as the playoffs loom, I’m hoping that they give Joba’s spot in the rotation to Chad Gaudin?

Kevin Kernan makes the observation that Joba would be of far more post-season help in the bullpen. I agree.

---

Has your television’s herpes sores started to go away? Well, don’t celebrate just yet.

Flavor Flav, 50, has decided to go back to high school to get his diploma (he dropped out of the 10th grade) — and he’s gracious enough to film the whole thing. He told Access Hollywood that not having a high school diploma “was an embarrassing situation that I wanted to fix.”

That’s the embarrassing situation you want to fix, Flav?

I wonder how the parents of the not-50-year-old students will feel about this…

---

Michael Starr thinks you’d be interested to know that Wilmer Valderrama bumped into January Jones in Washington, D.C. the other day.

(he’s wrong, right?)

---

Jon Gosselin recently had “an epiphany” and has barred TLC from filming his children anymore. He hung a sign on the gate of his giant home (that I believe TLC bought for the Gosselins) that reads:

NOTICE:

NO FILM CREW OR

PRODUCTION STAFF

FROM TLC IS

PERMITTED ON THIS

PROPERTY UNDER

PENELTY [sic] OF TRESPASS

JOHNATHON [sic] GOSSELIN

That’s right. He spelled his own name wrong.

---

And that’s all I have time for, kids. I gotta go help paint a theater!

THE WEEKEND IS MERE HOURS AWAY! YAAAAAAAAY!