Archive for October 4th, 2009

Worst. Hangover. In Years.

4th October
2009
written by jed

Two wonderful dinner guests + five bottles of wine + a criminally delicious soup made by the Mrs. = waking up early with jackhammers in my sinuses. The chef is faring worse and has returned to sleep. Let’s try not to wake her.

For the second consecutive day (or is it the third?), David Letterman is the star of the front page. Today’s EXCLUSIVE is DAVE’S LOVE NEST Secret bedroom at ‘Late Show’ theater which promises to reveal the unbelievable fact that a man who lives in Connecticut and helms one of America’s favorite late-night shows has a pull-out couch in his office. And a kitchen! To cook food in! And it’s off-limits to everyone except Dave! And sometimes he stays in the theater to watch the show when it airs that night and then doesn’t want to drive home!

What a perv!

B’also, here’s another ex-intern who claims to have had sex with the gap-toothed funnyman: Holly Hester. She was a student at NYU in the early ’90s when she interned at The Late Show. She claims that she and Dave had a year-long affair. Also suspected of getting down with Dave is his old assistant Laurie Diamond. She refused to comment, but one “insider” said of her, “She’s just a jerk, but she was a beautiful woman.”

Since when is a pull-out couch a secret bedroom? I think that’s racist.

And speaking of calling things that aren’t racist racist, George Sorial is an aide to Donald Trump. He ’s working on the gigantic Scottish golf course in the Highlands that Trump is trying (almost successfully) to build. Sam Coull, a Scottish attorney, sent him a letter that referred to Sorial’s home state of New Jersey as “Noo Joysee.“

“I can respect that he disagrees with what we are doing,”said Sorial, “but when you start making comments that I believe to be racist, I think you have stepped over the line. He doesn’t have any right to make fun of my accent.”

It should be noted that Coull’s remark came in response to Sorial referring to Coull and his colleagues as “scoundrels” because they oppose Trump’s golf course (Trump is trying to kick people out of their homes and environmentalists think it will have harmful effects to the eco-system).

“‘Scoundrel’ may be a term of endearment in Noo Joysee, and scoundrels very probably abound the streets and tower blocks there,” wrote Coull, who claims his dig at Sorial was merely “flippant.”

“It wasn’t racist. Is there anyone who would think it was racist?”

Only people from Noo Joysee. And, as we all know, they don’t ( and/or can’t) count.

(WARNING: due to the horrible reporting of the Post, part of this might not make sense — but I promise you that I am merely regurgitating [or "Michael Starring" as I like to call it] the info they published.)

Todd English was set to marry Erica Wang on June 1st. B’also they were supposed to be married in a few days?

Anyhoodles, they called off the wedding but most of the guests were already in town for the nuptials (staying at the St. Regis Hotel), so Erica threw the party that would have been their reception (so… they were to be married before the party?) in the St. Regis (Todd wasn’t there).

Well, they got the who and the what and the where. Not the when, or the why, or even the how. But for the Post, 3 out of 6 is impressive.

Scandalous!

The Brooklyn Chinese American Association provided free buses to the polls for elderly voters! And that, says the Post, is why John Liu beat David Yassky! Because busloads of old (predominantly) Asians (organized by a taxpayer-funded non-profit!) cast their votes. For the Asian candidate.

Is this racist? I wanna call something racist that’s actually racist! C’mon, paper! Gimme something legitimately racist!

Was Hitler Jewish? Somewhat, yes (either his grandmother or great-grandmother [I forget which] worked as a maid for a Jewish family and was believed to have gotten pregnant by the patriarch of that family).

Guess who else is Jewish. Go on, guess.

Did you say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Correct!

His original last name is believed to be Sabourjian, which is the Iranian equivalent of Goldbergmansteinovitz.

What’s the Jewish equivalent of ex-communication?

The Afghan women’s boxing team is training for the 2012 Olympics — in full Islamic garb.

Their faces need to be visible (the judges need to count the number of punches that connect), but everything else will be covered.

$20 says they don’t win a medal and also that at least one of them faints from heat exhaustion.

Michael “Not-So-” Goodwin has a full page of… whatever he calls what he does. Big Labor has a grip on Gotham discusses how the Working Families Party (and the candidates they back) will destroy New York City. A job for the mob suggests that we should lets the mob take over the Buildings Department and see if they do a better job (“It’s the ultimate privatization.”). Mending for the fences allows Mike to (continue to) crap on the Mets’ reduction of next season’s ticket prices (“Good start. Call me when the price is zero.”) which makes me hope that the Mets do amazingly well next year so that Mike can like them again. SORRY, CHARLIE! talks about the impending Republican push to oust Charlie Rangel and how the House Democrats will have to either “support or abandon” the fat liar. Just as I find it revolting that a Republican can refer to the sitting president as “against humanity” without any reprimand from his party, I cannot fathom why so many Dems are allowing Mr. Raspy to remain the chair of the Ways and Means Committee after (repeatedly) cheating on his taxes. I vote for “abandon.”

But the big article is President is AWOL as our commander, which chastises Obama for: going to Copenhagen to stump for Chicago; appearing on five (5!) TV shows on September 20th; holding numerous town hall meetings to try and explain to his constituents why health care reform is necessary; and only spending 25 minutes talking with the guy in charge of our troops in Afghanistan.

You know, if some people (I won’t name names) weren’t intentionally muddying the waters and telling people that a military coup is necessary to re-American America and that Obama wants to socialize everything ever, maybe he could focus on the important stuff, Mike. But that’ll never happen, right?

Someone is impersonating Vincent Gallo.

Why on Earth would anyone claim to be Vincent Gallo if they didn’t have to?

Bill O’Reilly has advice for journalists who get captured by the enemy in a war zone: “Never get down on your knees and beg. The moment you show any weakness, ou will be killed. Always look your enemies in the eyes and ask them politely, but firmly, to release you.” He claims that this advice saved his life twice — once in Argentina and once in El Salvador.

He also called President Obama one of the “best-prepared” subjects he had ever interviewed.

Is that racist?

I’ve seen the hundreds of celebs who are demanding Roman Polanski be released, but who has been critical of him?

Chris Rock, Bill Maher, Janeane Garofalo, Kevin Smith… and…?

Really? Even Melissa Fucking Gilbert has implied that the crime wasn’t as bad as people think.

What the fuck, Hollywood?

Oh boy! Sherri Shepherd is getting her own series! Sherri will premiere this week on Lifetime! “It’s not just a comedy… it’s her life.”

Sadly, I don’t have time to consider whether or not her show is on the air — I have to worry about feeding my kids.

Hey, businesspeople! Want to defraud your company? Well, Maloney & Porcelli can help!

The hoity-toity steakhouse has set up a website (www.expenseasteak.com) that prints out fake receipts for you! So, instead of trying to sneak a $200 lunch into your expense account, you can get smaller (and faker) receipts from places that don’t exist (Office Supply Hut! The Panini Experience!). They’ll even give you a doggie bag for your leftovers with the name of a cheaper restaurant on the side (Sbarro! Olive Garden!).

I’m no law-talkin’ guy, but I’m fairly certain that this is insanely illegal.

Happy 100th birthday, Theodore Sypnier!

Theo is celebrating his centennial in the Groveland Correctional Facility! He was charged with 15 counts of sexually abusing five girls in his Tonawanda home in 1999. He pled guilty and his family (including his four grown children) have disowned him. But don’t cry for him! He’ll be out on parole in November (he only molested [at least] five girls — it’s not like he tried to buy crack)!

Try not to die in an incredibly painful and violent way before then, you abomination of nature!

Everyone who can breathe through their nose, give a warm round of applause to Senator Thomas Carper (D-Delaware)! He’s on the Senate Finance Committee, which just finished a new version of the health-care reform bill, but he told an online news service, “I don’t expect to actually read the legislative language because…  the legislative language is among the most confusing things I’ve ever read in my life.”

I can’t wait to see what the GOP does with this early Christmas present!

James Kirchick asks, “If Barack Obama’s suave ‘citizen of the world’ charm can’t even get us beyond the first round of an international sporting competition, what does that say about his ability to garner support for solving far more serious and intractable problems?”

That’s a perfectly cromulent question, Jim. Except 1) it wasn’t an international sporting competition, it was the voting process of WHERE that competition would take place in 7 years; 2) I’m confused — usually folks like you are screaming that the rest of the world doesn’t matter (and you blast him for “apologizing” to them), but now you’re angry because he couldn’t convince a corrupt organization to bring the Olympics to Chicago (which you swear will bankrupt it)?; 3) because the IOC didn’t choose Chicago, that’s proof that he can’t handle health care reform?

House Minority Leader John Boehner on the public option: “This is about as unpopular as a garlic milkshake.”

He’s just angry that his title has the word “minority” in it.

B’also? Fuck you, John.

Kyle Smith writes yet another attack on Ricky Gervais and his new movie, The Invention of Lying.

“Religion provides a great many people with a great many comforts.”

So does marijuana, Kyle. But that’s illegal.

“Christian Americans aren’t pusing the country toward theocracy. All they ask is a little respect.”

And for homosexuals to stay out of sight and away from their kids.

Kyle claims he’s an atheist in this (sl)op(py)-ed. I call bullshit. At best he’s an agnostic. At worst, he’s Kyle Smith.

Yet still another editorial on how evil the Working Families Party — and ACORN! — are.

Must be a slow news year.

Two pages on THE CASE AGAINST CHARLIE RANGEL. Just two?

I can’t read them. I already know far too much about what a scumbag he is. (Re)reading this will only serve
to anger me and then I’ll climb a belltower. Which would be fruitless, as I don’t own a rifle.

Yet.

In this week’s REQUIRED READING sidebar, five books are listed including…

The War After Armageddon by Ralph Peters! What are the odds?

According to the new book The Second City Unscripted, Chris Farley used to wipe his ass with a sock and then wear it.

And that sock’s name… was David Spade.

Paying hundreds of dollars to take my wife to see Monty Python sketches performed by people who aren’t Monty Python? No thanks.

Monty Python: Almost the Truth — The Lawyer’s Cut, the 3-DVD documentary on their complete history? Yes, please.

First Sabathia, now Pettitte (though, to be fair, Andy only gave up 5 runs in over 4 innings).

Maybe Burnett will end the season with another sloppy loss.

Shake it off, boys, and get ready to face… we still don’t know!

Detroit lost again! Minnesota won again! They are now tied! In a few hours, each will have played their final game of the season and (maybe) the AL Central will have a cham-peen.

And Joba will be in the ALDS bullpen. Where he belongs.

It’s beautiful out. Go see for yourself.

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