Archive for October 5th, 2009

Does Jay Leno Now Own The Post?

5th October
2009
written by jed

Another day, another David Letterman front page. DAVE’S LOVE GRUDGE reveals that, after breaking up with Stephanie Birkitt, he resented the fact that she started dating Robert “Joe” Halderman (or, the paper implies, ANYONE) so he “banned extort suspect from circle” because he “couldn’t stand being around the guy.”

Therefore, using the kind of detective skills that would make a coma patient jealous, the Post has come to the conclusion that Halderman came up with the extortion scheme as a result of his not being invited to Late Show office parties. Which must make his attorney thrilled (thanks for the defense, Post!).

The two-page spread also includes a tiny piece that implies that Dave needs “to win back female fans.” Ann Curry (the NBC anchor) said, “The men I’ve talked to think, ‘How could a person within your own company kind of betray you like this?’ But the reaction I’m hearing from women is completely on the other end. They’re saying, ‘How could you have affairs… with members of your own staff?”

She went on to say that “White people drive a car like this” while scrunching herself into a meek ball and saying “deet dee dee” and continuing, “but Black people drive a car like this” and leaning back while shouting DMX lyrics, her arm hanging out of the imaginary window.

Another article corrects my assertion that Halderman’s attorney would use the “I was never invited” defense. He’ll “be portrayed in court as a desperate guy — emotionally and financially.”

Seems weak, but then, so does the “I’m too stupid to know if I’m robbing celebrities” defense — and that WORKED.

And then… I wince and get really confused. Which can only mean that there’s a photo of Andrea Peyser and an excerpt of her impending page of insanity: “Dave must go. If not, CBS will have lost any remaining shred of credibility, not to mention common decency.”

I don’t look forward to reading the rest of that.

There’s also a tiny sidebar on the front page that says Eli Manning got injured yesterday. My father is going to the game next week, so I hope Eli is OK. But there’s only room in my brain and heart for one sport at a time, so I’ll keep rooting for the Yankees, thank you very much.

As a proofreader, I’m used to finding small typos everywhere. In the books I read, in the ads I see — a missing comma here, a colon where a semi-colon belongs, etc.

Page 2 of the Post has a tiny piece on the Working Families Party. Why so small? Because it isn’t burning the WFP at the stake — that’d be an editorial. This is about how they’ve actually been successful in their “first forays into citywide elections.” But this is the Post, so if they can’t find an angle that makes the WFP look evil, they’ll do the next best thing. The article’s headline: WFB flexes ‘10 muscle.

Teresa — you weren’t having a stroke. Those were fireworks you heard last night. They were celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Manhattan Bridge. Funny — it doesn’t look a day over 273.

Fredric U. Dicker (what’d you just call me?) says that Richard Ravitch (the Lt. Governor appointed controversially by Gov. Paterson) is now trying to get Paterson to resign.

Amazingly, Obama isn’t mentioned once in the article.

Simon Cowell threw a birthday party for himself (happy 50th, jerk!) with a veritable who’s who of celebs in attendance. Ryan Seacrest! Randy Jackson! Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne! David Hasslehoff! Naomi Campbell! Andrew Lloyd Webber! And Earth, Wind and Fire performed! It’s like all the reality shows I don’t watch combined!

Paula Abdul was invited but Twatted that she was too ill to attend. Is that it, Paula? Or was it that Simon spent more on his party than AI was willing to pay you to return to the show?

Kate Gosselin’s lawyer claims that Jon Gosselin took hundreds of thousands of dollars from a joint bank account of theirs, leaving $1,000.

This happened just after he went on Larry King’s talk show/living wake and said, “I want Kate and I to mediate. I want us to become friends.”

I was surprised that he couldn’t use “Kate and I” correctly (it should be “Kate and me” in this instance) but then I remembered that he spelled his own name wrong on that sign.

Tony Roberts made his first entrance during yesterday’s matinee of The Royal Family at around 2:20 p.m.

“He looked fine and moved around fine, but he was speaking nothing but gibberish for about a minute,” said an audience member. “It was very strange. The curtain came down and the lights went up, and the usher asked if there were any doctors in the house.”

Roberts is currently listed in stable condition at Roosevelt Hospital. Get well soon, Tony.

Plaxico Burress is under protective custody at Oneida Correctional Facility. He only gets to hang out with other inmates under protective custody — like A Bronx Tale’s Lillo Brancato, Jr.!

(although the Post refers to him as “Lilo Brancato” because it’s a terrible newspaper)

U.S.A.! Num-ber one!

Two new government studies now claim that 1 in every 100 children born in the U.S. is autistic. Previously, the number was 1 of every 150.

I had no idea that ACORN has offices in Greece!

Yesterday’s election looks like a huge victory for Greece’s Socialist Party (PASOK).

Keep an eye on them — they may only be the first domino to fall…

Erin Andrews is prepared to go to court and face her, um, videotaper?

And that videotaper got a great boost in the media thanks to the stepfather of his longtime girlfriend, who said of him, “Mike’s a real nice guy, an outstanding individual. We’re very proud to know him. I never saw Mike drunk or incoherent or heard him say anything stupid.”

Oh. Well, then… case dismissed!

Oh, Page Six (today on page 10). Is using IMDB.com that difficult for you?

Their lead story is that Kevin Smith was talked into smoking pot by Seth Rogen last year and has since become a major advocate of marijuana. “I know you’re supposed to tell kids not to do drugs, but, kids, do it! Do weed! Don’t do the other stuff, but weed is good.”

They then discuss Smith’s filmography including his “string of bombs like Jersey Girl and The Adventures of Bluntman and Chronic.”

The former is indeed a movie. The latter is not — it’s a comic book which sold remarkably well.

Was the guy writing this stoned?

Yesterday, the Pope said “The so-called First World continues to export its spiritual toxic waste [to places like Africa]. Colonialism has never really entirely come to an end.”

That sounds like a threat against America. Can we have him renditioned?

Do you have a “limited benefit” health insurance policy through American Medical and Life Insurance Co.?

If so, call the police. And an attorney. And get some different insurance. If you can.

Zombieland is the #1 movie in the country. I guess I’ll see it, then. But I was hoping the 3-D Toy Story double-feature would be #1, but whatevs.

Brooklyn!

The 5-month-old baby of Tineka Johnson, 29, wouldn’t stop crying, so she slit his throat.

The baby is in stable condition, the mother (who is supposed to be taking medications for a mental disorder) is in police custody.

Brooklyn!

And speaking of mentally-disabled women, here comes Andrea Peyser!

“If the Tiffany Network continues to coddle the crotchety king of late night, it will rightly be known as the destination of choice for any girl who jiggles, giggles and puts out repeatedly for a man old enough to be her father.”

Anybody think they can translate that into English? She goes on to explain that Letterman’s contract is up next year and “I count on CBS to pull Letterman off the air, then kick him to the curb.”

Just like Fox did to Bill O’Reilly, right, Andrea?

Her other musings slathered in abrasive stupidity include crying for the Big Apple Circus (their budget has been cut and sales are down!), and a response to all of the Mets fans who accused her of betrayal for daring to root for the Yankees. But her most despicable piece (of today) posits that Apple might be run by conservatives because Chelsea Green of Vermont tried to launch an iPhone application (Howard Dean’s Prescription for Real Healthcare Reform) and were kept waiting over two months for approval (it usually takes two weeks) by which time Congress was in recess (the app provided the phone numbers of people’s reps in Washington, urging them to make teir voices heard).

“For the uninitiated, lefties have discovered the power of the app to help make it appear as if a few radicals speak for the majority of Americans.”

I think you’re confusing this with the 9/12 app or the Birther app or the Screaming Mormon app, you stupid cow. Last I heard, 65% of Americans want a public option. That makes you the minority. So shut up. Please.

Over the last five years, Lenox Hill Hospital has lost $165,000,000. Which explains the incompetence my wife and I had to endure during her stay(s).

But, yeah, Andrea, you’re right. Health care in this country is fine.

Gee… did diplomacy help deal with the Iranian nuclear problem? Despite all the chest-thumping of the Post? Huh. Go figure.

An insurance company claims that 500,000 accidents occur in Britain every year because women are applying makeup while driving.

That’s bad, but what the reporter failed to mention is that every single one of those women was driving on the wrong side of the road when the accidents occurred.

Gary Schwartz of Fort Lee, NJ writes in, “I bet Letterman supports Roman Polanski. After all, they have the same values, or lack of them.”

Well observed, Gary. Indeed, drugging and sodomizing a 13-year-old is exactly the same thing as having consensual sex with an adult employee.

I bet Gary Schwartz of Fort Lee, NJ supports being an idiot. After all, he’s an idiot.

Betsy McCaughey has a wonderful op-ed titled The ‘Kill Granny’ Bill which explains that Max Baucus’ bill will, indeed, force the elderly to die, just like Sarah Palin winked at us months ago.

Thank you for fear-mongering, Bets. It will surely help the uninsured.

A full-page ad trumpeting the arrival of Don Imus on the Fox Business Channel.

Did you hear about this, Andrea Peyser? Are you demanding Imus gets fired, too, you nappy-headed doofus?

Elisabeth Vincentelli gives Carrie Fisher’s one-woman show two stars and laments “After more than two hours of raspy-voiced zingers and Hollywood gossip — it’s actually faster to read the book this touring show inspired — you feel as if you’ve been stuck in a simultaneously garish and cheap boudoir with a garrulous drag queen who just. Won’t. Shut. Up.”

For context’s sake, here’s the drag queen who calls herself Elisabeth Vincentelli:

Glass houses, Liz. Glass houses.

The Yankees won yesterday, bringing the season to an end with a 103-59 record (The Mets, meanwhile, finished 70-92). A-Rod, who entered the game with 28 home runs and 93 RBIs, exited with 30 dingers and 100 RBIs (he hit a 3-run homer and a grand slam — in the same inning). Scoring 7 RBIs in a single inning is an American League record (Fernando Tatis hit 2 grand slams in one inning in 1999 with the Cardinals)

Sabathia will pitch against (we still don’t know!) on either Wednesday or Thursday (we still don’t know!). I actually hope the Twins win if only to see if they start Carl Pavano against us.

Playoffs, baby.

Tomorrow night on Hell’s Kitchen, Felix Light will make an appearance. Felix is the 9-year-old Ramsay impersonator who became internet-famous earlier this year.

I look forward to that, and to Whoopi being kicked off the show.

And tonight, a new episode of the once-again-awesome House is on Fox.

And Wednesday, for those of you who haven’t yet become too hip to care, South Park returns with a new season.

Kinda makes me sad we don’t have cable. Kinda.

Happy Monday!

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