Archive for October 6th, 2009

You’re Welcome, CBS!

6th October
2009
written by jed

Another David Letterman front page? Why not?

LOVER’S DIARY SECRETS

She cheated on new beau — with Dave!

There’s a giant photo of the “lover” and a paragraph of text explaining the headline, but you know what isn’t included? Her name.”Letterman” appears twice, Dave and David appear once each. But Stephanie Birkitt is not named. You’d think, since it’s her diary, that her name would be worth mentioning, but no. And since nothing else is going on in the world, it makes sense to give this yet still another front page and another two pages inside.

And great news, everyone! One of thise two inner pages is 100% Linda Stasi! She rates Dave’s “first post-scandal show” from last night! Will she, like the other vapid Italian who “writes” for the Post, demand that Letterman wear a scarlet A and be forever banished from TV?

“All in all, Letterman handled the exposure of his overactive libido with more class than all the politicians, preachers and perverts we’ve had to put up with over the last decade. Good for him, good for us. Now, can we get on with the show?”

I guess not! Does this mean that Linda will now have to fight Andrea Peyser  to the death, with the victor promising to never write anything else for the rest of their life?

(YES.)

The other page elaborates on Birkitt’s continued affair with Letterman while she lived with Halderman.

As soon as I’m finished yawning from the last 5 Letterman cover stories, I’ll start yawning for this one.

He isn’t a politician. He didn’t rape anyone. If Birkitt (or any of his other conquests) came forward and said that they felt pressured by him to have sex, then that’s something that needs to be investigated. But word on the street is that women love working for Letterman, that he’s a very kind man.

So… why am I still reading about this? Aren’t we fighting two wars?

New York City is on track to becoming the first American city to get its own domain, allowing local websites to replace “.com” with “.nyc” as early as the end of 2010.

Another milestone: It would be the first web domain with a homeless problem.

Two MTA articles side-by-side.

The first (“New boss signals red light on free rides”) has the new MTA chief poo-pooing Bloomberg’s idea of making some crosstown buses free because he’s “loathe to think about anything to take away revenues from the transit system.”

The second (“‘Loser’ lawyers cost MTA $1M”) explains that the MTA spent $1,200,000 on outside attorneys handling their arbitration with the TWU. That arbitration resulted in an 11% raise for the TWU and rollbacks in their health-care contributions. Could the MTA’s in-house lawyers (whose salaries are paid by the MTA) have done any worse?

I give the MTA zero stars.

But Michelin gave Daniel Boulud’s restaurant, Daniel, three stars!

Tres bien, Daniel! Le bebe n’est pas un chapeau!

See if you can guess the ending.

Joyce Poster-Lederman, 64, is “an acclaimed psychotherapist” who specializes in couples counseling. She is married to Selwyn Lederman, 79 — “also a shrink.”

They got into an argument in their apartment on the Upper West Side on September 29th. She screamed “Get out! Get out!” at her husband. And then…

…pencils down, all guesses are locked in…

…she grabbed two knifes — one a serrated bread knife — and slashed Selwyn on his left and right knees, right ankle and left thumb.

Her attorney called the incident “a little bit of a misunderstanding.”

I have a feeling she’s about to have a lot of appointments in her calendar open up.

Bonus points to the Post for the headline (“A ‘PSYCHO’ THERAPIST”).

The Magnolia Bakery, the makers of America’s most over-rated and over-priced cupcakes, will open a branch in Dubai on February 10th.

Take THAT, Dubai!

Jon and Kate Gosselin continue to bicker and, for some totally unfathomable reason, America continues to pay attention to them.

She told Today that Jon stole $230,000 from a joint account. “I have a stack of bills. The last thing I wanted was to do this show and end up not being able to pay our bills.”

He told The Insider that Kate’s claim was “a total fabrication. I’ve never taken any money out because, over 10 years, Kate handled all the banking. She’s hiding money.”

How is it possible that Octomom looks like a better parent than these chuckleheads?

Oh, Staten Island. This is why I never visit.

A town-hall meeting on health care was held last night, and it would have done the hearts of the health care industry’s lobbyists proud.

“Laura Farina, whose 15-year-old son has autism, said she’s fearful the country is ‘taking a socialist step backwards.’”

I see where he gets it from, Laura.

My wife (and I) continue to deal with asshole doctors, uncaring insurance companies, unnecessarily elaborate paperwork — and we have one of the “best” plans in the country. Hearing stupid people parrot the factually-retarded talking points of the health care industry (and their lobbyists) infuriates me.

Other things that infuriate me in today’s two-page health care spread:

* In a radio address on Saturday, Obama repeated entire sentences (ENTIRE SENTENCES!!!) from a radio address he gave on July 25th. This merits more than half a page.

* A full page is devoted to “TRICKY O’S ‘DOCTORED’ PHOTO” (the subhead is “White House’s botched ‘op’ gets lab-coat cover-up“) which tells the incredibly shocking story of how Obama invited 150 doctors to be part of a photo op. He asked that they wear their white lab coats (to hammer home that they were doctors who support health care reform). Some didn’t wear them, so (are you sitting down?) extras were given out!

That’s right. The miserable fuckers at the Post call Obama “tricky” and his photo op “botched” because a few people forgot their lab coats and were given extras.

John Boehner continues to lie. And Tom Price continues to lie. And the Republican National Committee continues to lie. And thousands of Americans continue to die. And millions of Americans continue going bankrupt because insurance companies continue to fuck them over for profit.

But let’s talk about how some of those lab coats aren’t the actual lab coats that those doctors usually wear.

I wonder how much Cigna stock Murdoch owns.

For the record, every day that Obama does not come out in enthusiastic support of a public option, my faith in the system lessens. I’m not a Democrat. I’m a human being with a soul. Which makes me more Democrat than Republican, but I am far from smitten with Barack.

For Teresa:

In 2003, Roland Betts (a good buddy of the then-POTUS — they were Yale frat broters) tried to build an 800-acre golf course with 61 luxury homes on it. The project was halted when it was learned that there was a chance that an endangered turtle might live there.

Betts has finally given up.

Slow and steady and possibly fabricated wins the race!

Poor Clifford Smith.

Clifford (you may know him by his rapper name: Method Man) “forgot” to pay his taxes from 2004 to 2007. He owes (ready?) $32,799. He faces up to four years in prison. He blames (ready?) his prolific marijuana use.

“Because I got high, I forgot to pay. It was stupid.”

His lawyer quickly “corrected” his client.

“I can assure you that he doesn’t have a pot-smoking problem. The people who were responsible for making certain that his affairs were in order failed him.”

Poor Clifford Smith. If his name was Charlie Rangel, he wouldn’t have a care in the world.

An Italian scientist claims that he can prove the Shroud of Turin is “a medieval fake.”

This, coupled with the recent discovery of the 4.4 million-year-old Ardipithecus ramidus (which I just realized was never covered in this shitty paper), should put the fear of the make-believe God into the hearts (or the Republican equivalent) of Bible-thumpers everywhere.

Amen.

Kelly Ann Walz, 37, has kept a black bear as a pet for nine years. On Sunday, while her two young kids watched, she cleaned the cage of 350-pound Teddy (see what she did there?). Teddy, suddenly remembering that he’s a bear, attacked the woman who has kept him in a cage for nine years.

The kids ran for help, a neighbor came over and shot Teddy, but Kelly Ann was already dead.

Moral of the story: Bears are not pets. They are bears.

T. Noble of (isn’t Catherine Zeta-Jones his spokeslady?) of Vancouver, Canada (!) writes to the Post to praise Peyser (“You say what needs to be said, and you make clear what most of the mass media have twisted and obscured: David Letterman is not the victim here.”), but Mike Dembesky of Dickson City, Pennsylvania would rather bury her (“Just who does Peyser think she is, calling for CBS to dump Letterman? Letterman is funnier and more entertaining than anyone on TV. Who cares what consenting adults do?”). But Kevin Stevens of Manhattan wins the Letter of the Day Award:

“This may ruin Letterman’s career. How can he make his usual snarky comments about senators in the bathroom or the bumbling Sarah Palin when he’s getting sexed up with his underlings?”

I’ll field this one, Dave. Soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom when you are an elected official is a betrayal of your constituents’ trust (and it’s hilarious). Going on numerous talk shows and describing your underage daughter’s fear of being molested by David Letterman (after the man apologized for the joke he made about your of-age daughter) is reprehensible. “Getting sexed up with his underlings” (?), if consensual, isn’t remotely comparable to either of the previous indiscretions.

Also, Kevin, you might consider adopting a black bear. I hear they make awesome pets.

Bloggers will now have to disclose when/if they are paid to recommend products.

Wait… I could be getting paid to do this?!?

ATTENTION ALL MANUFACTURERS AND BUSINESSES:

I AM WILLING TO RECOMMEND ANY AND ALL PRODUCTS OF EVERY SIZE AND SHAPE TO MY DOZENS OF READERS.

CONTACT ME A.S.A.P.

Modern Bride, R.I.P.

Elegant Bride, R.I.P.

Cookie, R.I.P.

Gourmet, R.I.P.

Which magazine(s) will be next?

Detroit and Minnesota will face off tonight. The winner goes to the playoffs.

And by “the playoffs,” I mean “Yankee Stadium tomorrow at 6:07 p.m.”

I’m sure someone can explain to me why the first game is tomorrow and the second is on Friday. Right?

Eli Manning says he’ll play on Sunday. Excellent.

Mark Burnett is remaking Fantasy Island.

As a reality show.

Nancy Grace shot a pilot called Swift Justice with Nancy Grace, which insiders are calling the next Judge Judy.

America, kill your television.

Before it kills you.

Hooray for Tuesday! Do it up, peeps!

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