Archive for October 7th, 2009

An Affair To Be Constantly Reminded Of.

7th October
2009
written by jed

Oh, hello, photo of David Letterman! Look at you on the front page of the New York Post! My Lord, it seems like only yesterday when I saw you there. Oh, it was yesterday? And the day before? And the day before that?

Huh. Well… are there new developments in the story? Look at the headline? Oh, OK.

SUFFER, BABY!

Dave extort for ‘misery,’ not money


I see… according to “a source,” Halderman’s blackmail wasn’t about the $2,000,000 he previously said he needed for his kids, “it was about making Letterman miserable.”

A quick flip to page 5 reveals the over-the-headline “‘This wasn’t money — he wants to hurt Dave‘” which confirms the front page’s assertion that Halderman didn’t want the money. But the second paragraph of the article (“LETTERMAN BLACKMAIL ‘REVENGE’”) begins, “‘This wasn’t about money, not money alone,’ said a source.”

So, it was also about the money.

Sigh. At least Dave got to share the front page with Jeter. There’s a special 16=page section (“Road to the World Series”) since Game One of the ALDS is tonight. So there’s that.

130 Liberty Street (the building formerly known as Deutsche Bank) will start being dismantled shortly. The process should take roughly six months.

The building has finally been “cleared of contaminants” (boy, the last eight years have just flown by, huh?).

Governor Magoo has a plan to reduce the deficit “by 25%” (or $500,000,000).

Paterson’s deficit projection is “between $2,100,000,000 and $3,500,000,000.”

Fuzzy math, Post.

Oh, major airlines. Why did we ever bail you out?

“Two weeks ago, with no announcement, American, Continental, Delta/Northwest, US Airways and United stealthily imposed the $10 ['peak travel fuel charge'] fee for flights on three days — the Sunday after Thanksgiving and on Jan. 2 and 3. Now, fliers will also pay the fee for most flights on 10 more days — the Monday after Thanksgiving, as well as Dec. 19, 26 and 27, March 14, 20, 21 and 28, April 11 and May 28, Rick Seaney of FareCompare.com said yesterday.”

I wish I could ride my bike to California.

In a Post EXCLUSIVE (oooooh — they almost never underline it!), Charlie Rangel has requested $3,000,000 from the Subcommittee on Defense Appropriations for the City College of New York to use to “create a high-performance multi-threat vehicle armor… for the Army.”

The project would be a collaborative one — Novus Technologies Corp. (who hired a lobbyist in 2008 — for $60,000).

CCNY is the home of the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service. The Pentagon (allegedly) wants no part of the armor, the funding, anything.

I wonder why voter turnout is so low…

ACORN is ’special’ seems like a nice positive headline. But no. “The top Republican on the House Judiciary Committee yesterday called for the appointment of a special counsel to investigate ACORN, saying President Obama’s ‘close personal ties’ to the group could impede a Justice Department probe.”

Incidentally, how’s that Halliburton trial coming? And Blackwater?

Oh, Disney. You’re terrific.

Does your kid want to see their new animated movie, The Princess and the Frog — which features Disney’s first Black princess/heroine — on November 25th at the Ziegfeld Theater in NYC? Will your kid be OK with a regular movie ticket or would they prefer the “Ultimate Disney Experience”? What’s that? Well, kids that buy one of those tickets will “meet all our princesses… learn to draw from a Disney animator… see original props and costumes from the Disney archives… swing on ropes, climb trees” and “put [themselves] in the movie.”

You think your kids would rather get one of those tickets?

$50.00. Each.

Oh… you can’t afford that? Too bad. I guess you’ll be buying regular general-admission tickets then.

$30.00. Each.

Where are the Sky Pirates when you really need them?

I hereby demand that all prospective jurors be forced to take IQ tests.

The judge in the “Brooke Astor swindle trial” released a note from the jury forewoman which read, “Due to heated argument, a juror feels personally threatened by comments made by another juror. With regards to her personal safety, she wishes to be dismissed anonymously.”

The defense (which, according to the Post, has no case) is demanding a mistrial, and may well get it.

Justice is blind, jurors are stupid.

GOP doctor scoffs at O white-coat photo stunt

Add Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey to the list of opportunistic liars that would rather convince idiots that Obama was dressing up non-doctors as doctors (an outright lie) and that most doctors are vehemently opposed to his health-care reform (they aren’t).

Phil waved around a white coat while wasting your taxpayer dollars on the floor of the House and accusing Obama of ignoring all of the great Republican ideas for health-care reform (they have none).

And Michael Goodwin’s page on the other side of the fold isn’t much better. White House declares war on this honest hero paints Gen. Stanley McChrystal as a martyr who had the courage to tell the POTUS the truth about Afghanistan and is paying the political price for it. How come when McChrystal says we’re going to lose the war in Afghanistan, he’s a hero and anyone who disagrees is killing our troops, but when anyone says the same thing about Iraq, the opposite is true?

He also assures us that Health-care plan is $uicide for New York. Then he goes on to explain why reform is necessary for New York, as we’re being way overcharged and way overspending for our Medicare recipients.

Twittering as news: Catchy headlines are key, even if they contradict the articles that follow them.

According to Page Six (today on page 14), Madonna and Lady Gaga got into a dance-off at Submercer in SoHo (following their joint appearance on SNL). A witness claims that “Madonna seemed to be the winner.”

Which is the most enthusiastic praise she’s gotten in years.

Stallone Testing Laboratories was indicted for faking results of the tests they were supposed to do at various construction sites (they make sure concrete is mixed correctly to guarantee the safety of its use). Their license was suspended on July 31st.

They’ve “performed” the tests at six sites in the last month.

Try hard to fuggedaboutit.

Joyce Poster-Lederman has been released and, at her husband’s insistence, will return to their apartment.

Maybe this escapade will work in her favor!

“I’m seeing a therapist who attacked her husband with knives and he begged the judge to release her! If anyone can help me get Greg to love me, it’s her!”

Rush Limbaugh, radio “personality” and narcotics abuser, is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams with some other guy.

I wholeheartedly approve.  If I can’t watch people throw Rush to the ground and slash him with their cleats, I’ll settle for members of the football team he co-owns.

Scott Boras, super-agent to A-Rod and just about every other MLB powerhouse, is suing Gary Sheffield for $600,000.

Let me guess: the fine print of their last contract stipulates that Sheffield owes Boras $1 for every petulant hissy fit Gary throws from 2006 on?

David Canela, 33, chairman of modern languages at St. Jean Baptiste HS (an all-girl school) has been arrested for secretly filming female lifeguards changing at the Vanderbilt YMCA (he was also a part-time lifeguard).

Take a bow, Dave.

Mel Gibson’s criminal record has been wiped clean.

Fortunately, TMZ still has the footage.

Jack Rhodes, 47, mugged two old ladies. He’s getting “up to 90 years in prison.”

Silly Jack. You should have starved your child to the verge of death! Then you’d just get probation!

Ben Presley, 17, just signed a record deal. You might know his father, Danny Keough, but you definitely know his grandfather, Elvis Presley.

I also think I detect members of the Gotti family somewhere in his genes.

Two of the six assault charges against Hiram Monserrate have been thrown out by a judge. The judge said that the prosecution failed to prove that Monserrate “acted recklessly.”

He still faces up to 7 years in prison (it’s not like he mugged two old lasies or anything).

I have a new sponsor: Gigimo.

They make sex toys, lingerie, all sorts of naughty goodies. But their crown jewel is this.

That’s right. It’s an Artificial Virginity Hymen. And their sales pitch is equally impressive.

“No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.”

It will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Need I tell you it’s made in China?

For just $30.00 ($20.00, if you buy 50 or more), you can… artificially… virgin… yourself.

“Jed,” I hear you ask between dry heaves, “how did you learn of this?”

My father directed me to a recent New York Times piece, which tells of Egyptian politicians’ recent demands that the A.V.H. kit not be allowed to enter their marketplace (if you know what they mean).

Thankfully, Americans can still buy them online and have them shipped within days.

(waves miniature American flag and miniature Chinese flag both flecked with a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount)

“According to” the “latest” edition of “the Zagat guide,” “people” are “eating out less” than “they” used “to.”

“No” “duh.”

Switzerland takes a side!

They have deemed Roman Polanski “too much of a flight risk” to be released on bail, so he’s stuck in a Swiss prison.

Polanski’s attorney insisted that, if released, Polanski would “not leave the Swiss territory during the whole extradition procedure and [would] respect all the obligations that may be imposed upon him.”

Where have I heard that before… ?

Another op-ed on ACORN, saying that their never getting any federal money ever again “would be a good start.”

Another op-ed on how shameful Obama’s photo op was (at least this one refers to the doctors in the photo as “doctors” and not “health-care professionals” like today’s earlier article.

Michelle Malkin also harps on the photo op (“OBAMACARE’S SPIN DOCTORS”), insisting that everything Obama ever says or does is duplicitous and ill-considered.

Where the Hell is that ALDS pullout already?

Saudi Arabia denies that they’re planning to drop the dollar as the currency for pricing oil.

Well, they’re tight with the Bushes, so we know that’ll never happen, right?

Right?

FINALLY.

Mike Vaccaro blames the Yankees’ success on Nick Swisher and A.J. Burnett coming to town and reminding everyone how to have fun.

Mark Hale matches up the Yanks and Twins and gives Minnesota the edge in Catcher, Center Field and Manager, with a tie for Right Field. For every other position, he favors New York (and predicts a win in four games).

And there are lots of pretty pictures of my pretty Yankees.

Michael Riedel assures us that Tony Roberts is recovering nicely and that Gina Gershon is crying a lot because she stinks in the new production of Bye Bye Birdie and knows it. Me-yow!

He also purrs that John Stamos “has an impressive ability to hit notes outside the chromatic scale, production sources say.”

Someone get this gay kitten a warm saucer of milk before he scratches everyone’s eyes out!

What a game last night! After 12 innings of nail-biting baseball, chock full of wasted opportunities (for both teams), Minnesota emerged victorious over Detroit. Celebratory riots will likely ensue in Minnesota (and regular weekday riots in Detroit will likely continue as scheduled).

Former Yankee Shawn Chacon has been arrested on charges of unpaid gambling markers in Nevada. He allegedly wrote three bad checks to Caesars Palace for $50,000.

Somewhere, a tear rolls down Pete Rose’s cheek.

It should be noted that the Yankees faced the Twins seven times this season. We won all seven games. But the May 15-17 series ended in three walk-offs. So… we beat them, but the games were far from blowouts.

We haven’t won anything yet, but I really like our chances.

The October 16th episode of Law & Order features Jim Gaffigan as the star of Larry Plus 10 (a father raising 10 adopted kids with special needs, after his wife is bludgeoned to death). Michael Showalter plays the show’s producer.

I bet Gaffigan did it.

Poor Tom DeLay.

He had to quit Dancing with the Stars because of “stress fractures on both feet” (shouldn’t that be in both feet?).

Still… it beats prison.

New season of South Park begins tonight. Will they be able to continue to out-do themselves?

We shall see…

Have a lovely Wednesday.

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