Archive for October 8th, 2009

Where’s Letterman?

8th October
2009
written by jed

Look, the Yankees played a great game last night. Sabathia pitched well, Jeter batted 1.000 (including a game-tying 2-run homer in the third), Rodriguez seemed to break his post-season hex, we won 7-2… but where’s Letterman?

I spent five minutes arguing with the guy in my bodega (he kept pointing at what he claimed was the Post, I kept looking for a photo of David Letterman), until I finally realized that the adulterous funnyman’s reign of the front page was over.

Today’s cover belongs to Mr. October himself, Derek Jeter. The Yankees are off tonight, but will return on Friday to continue embarrassing the Twins (knock wood).

Thanks to the recent reform of the Rockefeller drug laws, hundreds of “low-level drug offenders” are now eligible to apply for reduced sentences (and, in some cases, release).

If Paterson’s lucky, those released will lay off the pipe long enough to vote for the guy who made their release possible.

(N.B. — Paterson is not lucky)

Levi Johnston, 19, will pose nude for Playgirl.

Part of me finds this offensive. Part of me is thrilled that Sarah Palin will be further humiliated.

Guess which part of me wins in a fight.

The hot new pet?

Teacup pigs. They grow to the size of “small dogs.”

Sorry, Teresa. They’re on New York City’s list of banned wild animals. Otherwise, we could totally get one.

(rolls eyes)

A new Marist poll has ranked America’s Most Annoying Words and Phrases.

Whatever (47%)

You know (25%)

It is what it is (11%)

Anyway (7%)

At the end of the day (2%)

Unsure of answer (8%)

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me they were unsure of answer… (shakes fist defiantly at the sky).

Investment banker Ehab Yousef, 35, says that he hates the phrases “correct me if I’m wrong” and “if I’m not mistaken.”

“‘Whatever’ really triggers me off. It seems they don’t care, it’s really lazy,” whines Jose Lizardo, 18, of Manhattan, not realizing that his statement contains the etymological equivalent of vehicular manslaughter.

“It’s just a lazy way to get out of something,” Pat Casey, 45, of Manhattan adds.

Whatever.

There are roughly 1,000 pedicabs in New York City. The city recently imposed some new licensing rules. Drivers need to get licensed in order to continue getting people to where they’re going faster than by foot but slower than every other form of transportation. The deadline is November 20th.

25 pedicab drivers are now licensed. 25 have their applications pending. Assuming that that all of them get approved, that leaves… 90% of the pedicabs in New York City unlicensed.

This could get interesting.

Poor David Letterman. He’s been relegated to page 5. Upstaged by teacup pigs.

GAL PAL FLAUNTED LETTERMAN AFFAIR explains that Halderman saw Letterman and Birkitt making out in a car at the bottom of Halderman’s driveway. “Sources” claim that “Fueled by rage and jealousy, Halderman allegedly set his sights on Letterman — vowing to make him ‘miserable’ by exposing his infidelity if the funnyman didn’t pay a $2 million blackmail.”

“You have here someone who [went through] a divorce, losing children, his world is falling apart, and the one thing you can hold onto wasn’t what he thought it was.”

Jose Lizardo? Is that you? B’also, to recap: It was about the money, it wasn’t about the money, it was only about revenge, it was about revenge and money, and (for now) it was about humiliation and revenge unless Letterman coughed up some money.

Charles Hurt likens the Congress to the Mafia. He uses the Mafia’s “omerta“ as a parallel to the “code of silence” that seems to be protecting Charlie Rangel. Bonus points for comparing Rangel to Frank Pentangeli in The Godfather II (if only in voice).

Even a stopped watch is right twice a day. Protecting Rangel is tarnishing the reputations of everyone involved. The Ethics Committee was supposed to have come to a decision almost a year ago. Since then, a lot more of Rangel’s crimes (and make no mistake, these were crimes by definition) have come to light. He should step down, but since he doesn’ have the integrity to do that, it becomes the job of his fellow Democrats to make him step down.

Karla Giraldo’s cousin, Jasmina Rojas, “[gave] wandering and sometimes contradictory testimony, [and] said Giraldo had apparently been drinking early in the evening before the alleged assault.”

You think Hiram’s gonna walk? I’m starting to get that feeling…

Andrea Peyser devotes most of her page to two tales of noisy nightclubs and the neighbors who wish they wouldn’t be so loud. One’s on West 17th Street, one’s on Jane Street. Both are equally not riveting.

Then there’s Clock is Ticking: “With David Letterman’s contract now scheduled to extend through 2012, I’m instituting a Contract Countdown Clock for folks scoring at home, in keeping with Dave’s clock tracking the 150-year sentence of Bernie Madoff. The clock will tick down until CBS takes Dave off the air, the network renews his contract, or I get bored. Days until Letterman’s contract expires: 1,181.“

Yes, she is comparing Dave to Bernie Madoff. B’also, I have a pretty good idea which of the three things will cause the “Contract Countdown Clock” to go away.

(Hint: it isn’t the first or second thing)

But she’s not done with Dave just yet. LADIES WHO LYNCH SPARE DAVE attacks both Letterman and… feminists? “Where are the feminists? The ladies of the National Organization for Women quickly condemned the other pervert of the moment, Roman Polanski.”

Yes, she is comparing Dave to Roman Polanski.

The final victim of her braying acidity is the state of California. California guilty of Mel-feasance laments the wiping clean of Mel Gibson’s record (and OJ Simpson being acquitted and Chris Brown being praised by a judge for admitting he “beat the Hell out of Rihanna”).

How’s the Khadafy citizen’s arrest thing going, Andrea?

F trains will skip all stops between Jay Street and Church Avenue on Saturday and Sunday.

“A free shuttle bus will be provided.”

I predict that there will be at least one stabbing per bus.

In fact, between Friday and Sunday, 18 of the 20 subway lines will “suffer some types of serious delays.”

I hate the MTA. So. Much.

Page Six (today on page 14) has a hilarious editorial cartoon of Letterman in bed with a young woman and his wife and kid walk in, but he’s waving a CBS memo and saying “BUT HONEY, THINK OF THE RATINGS!” which is hilarious because it’s published in a newspaper that put him on the front page for an entire week.

“Hi, Black Kettle.” “Hello, Black Pot.”

Dina Lohan is unveiling her new “celebrity shoe line” at Trump Plaza today. For some reason, she named it “Shoe-Han” which must be a play on words, but I have no idea which ones.

Last year, Madonna called Guy Ritchie “emotionally retarded.” In a just-published interview with Esquire, Guy relies that, “I still love her. But she’s retarded, too.”

I look forward to Madge’s reply in ten months (I hope she maintains the use of “retarded” as insult — that’s gold!).

The bad news keeps coming for poor, stupid Sarah Palin.

Paleontologists in France have uncovered some of the largest dinosaur footprints ever documented — almost 5 feet in diameter. They are estimated to be roughly 150,000,000 years old.

Palin has already called the discovery “you betcha” and winked, signifying either that we’re friends or that she has a tic.

Frederic Mitterrand is the French Culture Minister and a fervent supporter of Roman Polanski. In his 2005 autobiography, he wrote about traveling to other countries and paying young boys for sex. Politicians on the left and right have united in calling for Mitterrand’s resignation.

Thank God someone finally read that thing, huh?

“Prebirth exposure to a chemical widely used in plastics appears to be linked to more aggressive behavior in little girls, according to new research.”

Maurice Chevalier was quoted as saying, “Thank Heaven” shortly before a mob of little girls fed him his derby.

Egypt says the Louvre has four stolen reliefs from the tomb of Tetaki. The Louvre says they aren’t stolen and they aren’t giving them to Egypt. So, Egypt has severed all ties with the museum and is banning all archeological expeditions that the Louvre is connected to in any way, from their country.

This could get interesting.

For the record: fat-free cream cheese is an abomination of nature and has no place in my home.

Why did I do this to a perfectly innocent and delicious bagel?

I wonder what song Beth Snyder of Traverse City, Michigan was listening to when she wrote to the Post about Letterman.

“I sincerely hope that his wife tells him that he’s played her for a fool for too long, and that it’s time for him to find another fool.”

If Lily Tomlin and Edward Hermann had a daughter, she’d look exactly like banks regulator Sheila Bair.

I had no idea, but it says here that Britney Spears kept a journal when she was in the mental hospital and it was stolen from her Beverly Hills home.

$5 says the i’s are dotted with hearts.

And the award for Best Timing for a DVD Re-release goes to…

Chinatown! Roman Polanski’s masterpiece, starring the guy whose house he drugged and raped that 13-year-old girl in, gets a special 35th anniversary edition this week.

As John Huston says in the film, “Most people never have to face the fact that, at the right time and the right place, they’re capable of anything.”

Especially if there are quaaludes lying around.

Dodgers beat the Cardinals (!), Phillies beat the Rockies (.) and the Yankees beat the Twins. Tonight, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California Which Is Actually A Different City Than Los Angeles, California will battle the Red Sox (everyone says Boston is a lock, but I think the LAAACWIAADCTLAC have a decent chance), Philly will further embarrass Colorado (though Cliff Lee’s complete game will be hard to top), and St. Louis will try to catch up with Los Angeles. White Alex Rodriguez has sex with Kate Hudson.

Bored to Death has been renewed for a second season. Always nice to hear that Zach Galifianakis will be walking around our neighborhood.

Michael Vick will be the star of a new reality series on BET (the eight-episode Michael Vick Project). If it’s half as good as that DMX reality show, then may God have mercy on its soul.

Oh, boy! It isn’t even noon yet! I think someone (points at self) might just go for a bike ride (continues pointing at self).

Happy Thursday!

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