Archive for October 9th, 2009

Did I Say “Boys”? I Meant “Consenting Adults Who Weren’t Boys.”

9th October
2009
written by jed

JUSTICE IS A BITCH

Astor verdict: Miss Piggy big loser

Say what you will about the Post, but you have to give them respect for honoring their promises. When this year’s “Write Our Sub-Headline” sweepstakes was won by a waiter in a Chinese restaurant (who learned what little broken English he speaks from The Muppet Show), people figured they’d offer him an alternate prize of equal value — and there’d be no shame in that. But, God bless ‘em, the folks at the Post stayed true to their word and let this humble man caption today’s headline (and it works surprisingly well).

Yes, Anthony Marshall, 85, has been convicted of grand larceny and conspiracy for trying to steal over $60,000,000 of his mother’s moneys. Prosecutors claimed that he did so because of his greedy wife Charlene (nicknamed Miss Piggy by one of Brooke Astor’s nurses). He faces 1 (minimum) to 25 (maximum) years in the pokey. Charlene will lose everything except “three heavily-tax-encumbered properties, one diamond necklace and two of Astor’s old fur coats.”

Poor Charlene. And poor Tony. And poor me for reading 5 pages of this stuff (including Andrea Peyser’s touching sidebar “Hogs & kisses from boarish Charlene” is a study in why ugly women shouldn’t call other ugly women ugly. B’also? Do you see what she did there?).

If you’re going to lose a mayoral election, you might as well go down swinging.

Bill Thompson, all but guaranteed a defeat against the incumbent Bloomberg, told a crowd at a campaign rally that (with regard to the extension of term limits last year) “Not since George Bush and the Republicans stole the election from Al Gore has there been such an egregious electoral abuse of power.” He continued, “[Bloomberg] lied to us and he betrayed our trust.”

Bloomberg responded, “He’s got a right to his opinions.” Then he took his second money-bath of the day and ate some diamonds.

The House Ethics Committee (my new favorite oxymoron) expanded its investigation into Charlie Rangel to include “millions of dollars in assets, outside income and business transactions that he had failed to disclose to Congress.”

Afer YEARS of investigating, YESTERDAY they decided to expand their investigation? Consider my faith in the system… what’s the opposite of restored?

Mayor Bloomberg organized a number of video sting operations at gun shows across the country to illustrate his point that getting an unlicensed firearm is super-easy. Zach Wamp is a Tennessee Republican running for governor. When he learned of the gun shows (where, after being told that their buyers would fail mandated background checks, sellers happily [and illegally] made the sales anyway), Wamp Twatted, “Bloomberg and his anti-gun cronies should stay the heck out of Tn.”

Isn’t that adorable? He Twitters!

And is totally OK with his constituents committing felonies, no matter what some New York Jew mayor thinks about it!

John “Junior” Gotti is on trial (again) and I couldn’t care less, except he mouthed “I’ll kill you” to the feds’ star witness yesterday. And, after the jury was led out, Gotti screamed, “You’re a dog! You’re a dog! Did I kill little girls, you fag? You’re a punk. You’re a dog all your life — you always were. Do I strangle little girls in motels?”

(fade in Billy Joel’s “An Innocent Man”)

I think Governor Paterson is hitting on me.

He just announced that because of the current economic crisis, he is cutting off funding to the MTA’s capital budget. That’s roughly $10,000,000,000 over the next three years that they won’t get.

You know what else is super-awesome? That whole “the F train is not stopping near Jed on the weekend”? It’s not just this weekend. It’s the next three weekends.

I hate the MTA.

Chris Rock is being accused of stealing the idea for his new movie (Good Hair) from Regina Kimbell and her 2007 documentary My Nappy Roots.

While Rock freely admits that he attended a sreening of Kimbell’s movie (and that he met with her), he insists that he didn’t steal anything from her.

The fact of the matter is both of them stole both of their movies from me and my 2004 documentary, If I Was A Black Lady, I Wonder What My Hair Would Be Like And Also All Of The Things I Would Have To Do To My Hair (If I Was A Black Lady).

Page Six (today on page 12) amends their earlier report of Dina Lohan’s new shoe line. The line will NOT be called “Shoe-Han.” So… what will it be called? “We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name,” Dina demured.

Uh… Dina? Why haven’t you bought the domain name yet? Thus preventing all the Googles and MySpaces from buying it? B’also? Should I continue judging the Britneys and the Lindsays the way you judge the Googles and the MySpaces?

“Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God.”

There are levels of power of God? I think maybe Dina is higher… than she should be!

(nudges monitor with elbow)

Huh? Huh?

Mischa Barton got out of a cab on East 10th Street and screamed “I need a drink!”

She’s terrific.

Remember when Woody Harrelson punched that paparazzo? And then he claimed that he thought the guy was a zombie because he’d just finished shooting Zombieland? Woody tells Entertainment Weekly that the guy who gave him the idea to say that was… Paul McCartney.

And now you know… the rest of the story….

Nicolas Sarkozy just announced that his 23-year-old son, who is still enrolled at a university, will take over the public agency that oversees La Defense, the compound of corporate towers in the west of Paris. It’s Europe’s biggest business district (we’re talking multi-multi-billions), and Jean Sarkozy will oversee its expansion.

Looks like nepotism has become our #1 export.

Elizabeth Taylor, 77, Twatted (really, La Liz? Et tu?) that her recent heart surgery went “perfectly.”

Congratulations on delaying the Reaper until… August 19, 2010.

(I just finished reading The Bible Code III: Dream Warriors)

Nancy Pelosi finally says something that makes me hate her (slightly) less.

She says that health-care reform should be paid for with a “windfall” profit tax levied against the insurance companies.

Considering that the government would be supplying them with 45,000,000 new customers, that seems only fair.

I wonder who paid Nancy to propose that…

One of the sleaziest things a defense lawyer can do is keep his client off the stand and then tell the press how his client really wants to give his side of the story… but can’t.

“Obviously, he’s had to remain quiet — while this trial is going on — about what happened that night. He’s got a lot to say about it.” So says Joseph Tacopina (Italian for “taco penis”), attorney for Hiram Monserrate. The defense has officially rested. Summations are scheduled for Tuesday.

I have a really bad feeling that Monster… sorry, Monserrate… will walk.

Another crane fell down, this time on Columbus and 97th Street. Luckily, no one was hurt.

Maybe they should just start reporting on cranes that don’t fall down. That would free up a lot of column inches.

(if you know what I mean)

Someone at the Lifetime Movie Network is about to become very excited.

Jared Rohrig, 25 (and a former Connecticut police officer), was home when the girlfriend of his twin brother, Joseph, stopped by. Jared allegedly pretended to be Joseph and the two started having sex. When the woman noticed that Joseph’s tattoo was missing (and figured out she was sleeping with her boyfriend’s twin), she told him to stop. He refused.

Jared just pled not guilty to first-degree sexual assault and criminal impersonation. The woman is hoping to be played by Nancy McKeon.

Cindy Adams claims that Don Cheadle is looking to remake The Maltese Falcon with an all-Black cast. This is a blatant rip-off of my 2004 film noir masterpiece, The Maltese Falcon But Everyone Is Black This Time.

Six ladies from Connecticut were arrested for beating up a woman at Bobby Valentine’s Sports Gallery Cafe in Stamford — because they didn’t like her karaoke singing. All the women are under 21 (in age and IQ) and are due back in court next month.

The victim suffered bruises and a chipped tooth. And a permanent irrational fear of whatever she was singing at the time.

This morning, NASA will be searching for water under the moon’s surface. For more details, watch this:

Resign? Moi?

Frederic Mitterrand refuses to resign. He also wants to correct an earlier claim: When he said that he went to Thailand to pay for sex with “young boys,” what he meant was “consenting adults.”

“In no way is it an apology of sex tourism… even if one of the chapters is a journey through that hell, with the fascination that hell can provoke.”

This is the first time I can recall a Frenchman refusing to give up.

B’also, this guy is mad gross, yo.

Page 25 (today on page 25) is all about what a “cad” David Letterman is for taking his personal assistant (with whom he was having sex) on vacations with his wife and son.

How much do you think CBS is paying for all of this free advertising?

“Doctor” Conrad Murray, the “man” who gave Michael Jackson all of those wonderful drugs that killed him, might be arrested and forced to surrender his medical license. But not because of his involvement in MJ’s death.

Because he’s $13,000 behind in child support payments.

Hilarious.

Gaza City’s zoo is so poor…

(How poor is it?)

… it’s so poor, that workers painted two donkeys with stripes because they couldn’t afford zebras.

Poor donkeys.

Shut up, Ralph Peters.

Yesterday, Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that Love Never Dies (his sequel to The Phantom of the Opera) will open in London in March of 2010. It should be on Broadway by that November.

I can wait.

That new Vince Vaughn movie that looks terrible? It’s directed by Ralphie from A Christman Story.

I’d rather shoot my eye out.

Lou Lumenick seems to feel the same, awarding it no stars. He gave Good Hair three stars, St. Trinian’s one and a half, and Adventures of Power just one.

Looks like I’m in for a shitty movie next week (unless Paranormal Activity opens in 30,000 more theaters today)!

The playoffs are wonderful.

Every “expert” claimed that Boston and Philadelphia and St. Louis would dominate. It wouldn’t even be close.

The Angels lead Boston 1 game to 0. Colorado won as many games as they lost, so they’re 1-1 against Philly. And the Dodgers are ahead of the Cardinals 2-0 (take a bow, Holliday!).

The Yankees (the only “lock” that seems to be following the script) will play Game 2 against Minnesota tonight. If we win, then Carl Pavano will start what could be the last game of Minnesota’s season in Game 3.

Pavano could do more for the Yankees in one game than he did in the 4 years he played for us!

Meanwhile, Posada is a little peeved that Girardi is starting Jose Molina behind the plate tonight. And before you start snapping at Jorge for whining, consider this: Of the Yankees’ last 79 postseason games, Posada has caught 78 of them. And while 78 of 80 is still a damned impressive record, you can understand why the guy feels slighted.

But if Burnett is more comfy with Molina, then he should get to pitch to him. Whatever gets us to the World Series.

Did I say “gets us to”? I meant “wins us.”

Do you watch Dancing With the Stars? Are you proud of yourself?

Did you know that the show actually had plans to add a chimpanzee to its roster of judges? Do you understand what that says about you, and your thick fingers rubbing Dorito dust on the numbers of your phone as you perform the only voting you’ll ever do in your miserable life? Can you understand how insulting that is?

Luckily, due to protests from PETA, the DWTS folks switched out the chimp with “a toddler in a suburban backyard.”

I have no idea what this means, nor do I want to.

Please stop watching.

Wanda Sykes has a new HBO special on tomorrow night at 10:00. She’s brilliant. You should watch it.

Time for… I have no idea.

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