Archive for October 10th, 2009

(thanks to Karen K. for discovering this)

You’re welcome.

Alex Rodriguez hitting a home run? In the postseason? When it means something? That is front page news! And page 2 news! And, apparently, page 3 news, as well! Because what else happened in the last 24 hours that could possibly be as important to New Yorkers (and the many tens of thousands of people who read the Post every day despite not living in New York [city and/or state])? Surely a photo of Kate Hudson and Kurt Russell (wearing fresh-out-of-the-packaging Yankees gear) is the most newsworthy event since last the paper was published.

And the wisdom imparted in the text that accompanies a collage of photographs unlike anything you’ll ever see again (unless you turn to today’s Saturday Sports section) is equally of interest.

“Jen Salke of East Patchogue, LI, who watched the game at the Stadium, couldn’t have been more excited. ‘A-Rod hitting that home run was better than sex,’ she said. ‘Teixeira’s home run was orgasmic. I’m not even kidding, my glasses flew off my face.’”

Finally! A newspaper that isn’t afraid to give voice to drunken morons! She’s not even kidding

Boy, the bar is set so high, I can’t imagine anything of more import having occurred yesterday.

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WHAT A BUNCH OF PRIZE IDIOTS

Two pages of articles illustrating how repulsive it is that the POTUS is being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Matt Welch, editor in chief of (and ignorer of) Reason has a hefty editorial (“It’s an act of ring-kissing, not reward for achievement“) which expertly points out that Lech Walesa had done more than Obama when he was given the same accolade. “You don’t have to dislike our handsome young president — and I, for one, don’t — to acknowledge that nominating him for the planet’s most prestigious peace award after he’d been on the job for only one month is like naming Derek Jeter MVP after spring training. It’s a pre-emptive encouragement, even ring-kissing — not an award for achievement.”

Actually, stupid, it’s like nominating Derek Jeter after spring training and then, many months later, voting on who should get the MVP award and using the regular season to help determine it. Obama was put on a list after a month. He won the award YESTERDAY.

“As more than one wag observed yesterday, the Nobel Committee has awarded three people in seven years for not being George W. Bush: Jimmy Carter in 2002, Al Gore in 2007, and now Obama.”

What’s awesome is that you manage to completely ignore the actual achievements of a former president and vice president (who also led the charge for global warming awareness — whose existence prominent members the GOP continue to deny) while also making W. a victim. But I am totes relieved that Welch doesn’t dislike our handsome young president. Imagine how dismissive and condescending he’d be if he did!

Welch also provides a list of 10 people that deserve the Nobel Peace Prize more than Obama. Surprisingly, Ronald Reagan made the cut. No, not surprisingly. What’s the other word? Obviously. That’s right.

Andy Soltis (who was amazing as Gollum) is responsible for the piece, Nobel Peace award stuns even O aides — and that is the only context “responsible” could be used in to describe it. It begins: “The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded yesterday to President Obama in a stunning choice that left much of the world wondering why the committee chose to bestow the honor on the new president.”

Much of the world is stunned? Really? What about Armenia and Turkey? Are they stunned?

“‘Who? Obama?’ said Lech Walesa, the 1983 Peace Prize winner, when he heard the news. ‘Too fast. He hasn’t had the time to do anything yet.’ Republican Party chairman Michael Steele contended that Obama won due to his ’star power,’ rather than meaningful accomplishments.”

1) When’s the last time anyone in this country gave a rat’s ass what Lech Walesa had to say? Early 1984? Late 1983?

2) Why is it unpatriotic for me to question sending my fellow countrymen to war, but not for the GOP’s spokestoken to simultaneously applaud America’s loss of the 2016 Olympics and piss on Obama’s recent honor?

3) Bush made us a global joke. The same qualities that made our nation’s mouth-breathers want to have a beer with Dubya, had most other countries laughing behind our backs… until they stopped laughing and started treating us like, well, a drunken cowboy who finds himself charming and can’t see/doesn’t care about how others perceive him. Obama single-handedly made the world think that maybe, after RE-ELECTING the worst POTUS in our nation’s history, Americans aren’t all bad. That maybe we also want to make the world a better place and not just the places that have oil. If you don’t see that, it’s because you choose not to.

4)  A British betting website had Bill Clinton as a 6:1 favorite for the award (but only because he isn’t Bush, right?), Obama at 18:1 and (are you sitting down?) Michael Jackson at 20:1.

I shudder to think of what other editorials I’ll find in today’s paper.

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We bombed the moon!

“Uranus better watch its back. The man in the moon got his first prostate exam yesterday when NASA nerds fired a probe deep into his South Pole in a hunt for water.”

1) Please welcome today’s guest columnist, 2nd grader Lukas I. Alpert!

2) Why nerds? Why are people at NASA nerds? Why attach a stigma to intelligence? Later derogatory phrases for smart folks include “space geeks” and “NASA eggheads.” I can imagine Luke high-fiving someone after typing each of those.

3) Three (count them, three) butt jokes in two sentences.

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John “Junior” Gotti, thanks to his recent outburst in court, now faces charges of obstruction of justice and witness tampering, but the feds aren’t sure if they’ll charge him. They figure that, if he’s convicted he’ll be in jail for the rest of his life and if he walks, then “charging him will look like ’sour grapes.’”

Which should be of major concern in any police investigation.

(rolls eyes upward)

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Malpractice reform would save $54B: study explains that Democrats are ignoring the #1 problem with our health-care system: medical-malpractice laws. If they would just “Impose statutes of limitations of one year for adults and three years for children, from the date an injury is first noticed” and “Obtain more income disclosure from defendants, and factor them into jury awards” then the health-care providers wouldn’t have to pay so much for malpractice liability (they paid $35,000,000,000 last year).

Anyone else think it’s hilarious that health-care providers are angry that they pay too much for insurance? And that there are still people that can’t see the correlation between their outrageous insurance costs and ours?

I need a good laugh.

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Nicolas Cage owes the IRS $6,260,000 from 2007 and $360,000 for unpaid bills from 2002 to 2004.

Thanks, Post. That really did the trick!

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Not content to rest on the laurels of page 7’s brain-mocking/butt-joke-containing moon story, page 9 features not only a giant photo of Paris Hilton bottle-feeding a baby chimpanzee (in vivid/vapid color!), but also a list of 5 things that “A chimp can teach Paris: 1) How to climb down a tree (not the social ladder); 2) Basic counting skills; 3) How to cover her private parts; 4) How to look dumb — without actually being quite so dumb; 5) Banana tricks”

The first one makes no sense. The second is a “Paris is stupid” joke. The third was hilarious two years ago. The fourth is an unnecessarily complex “Paris is stupid” joke that makes little sense. The fifth is, I’m assuming, meant to refer to a baby chimp teaching Paris to masturbate with a banana.

Just when I think the New York Post couldn’t possibly be more repugnant, they outdo themselves. Well played.

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Page Six (today on page 10) quotes Gene Simmons as saying, “I’ve never been drunk or high in my life.” I find that hard to believe.

They also claim that Usher’s soon-to-be-ex-wife, Tameka Foster (and they said it wouldn’t last [after they were asked and replied, "Who?" to which an explanation was provided]!), is furious about a new song Usher done wrote. “Papers” includes the lyrics: “Who the hell argue ‘n’ fight like dogs at six in the morning?/I know it’s gonna be some more shit tonight… the only time you here for me is when the bottles poppin’ and everything is sweet/but I’m tired of sleeping in the other room” (which doesn’t even rhyme!) and “I’m ready to sign the papers.”

When I called Usher for comment, he told me to stop asking him to show me to my seat.

(sorry)

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The Pew Research Center claims that only 39% of Americans favor gay marriage but 57% are in favor of civil unions. That’s a 12% bump since 2003 and a 3% increase since 2008.

Further proof of evolution.

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And now, a story told through haikus.

David Hasselhoff

Tried to punch his assistant

Hit doctor instead

* * * * *

He was really drunk

At St. Martin’s Lane Hotel

In London, England

* * * * *

His assistant, Joe,

Was afraid for David’s life

And summoned the doc

* * * * *

The hotel staff freaked out

And locked Dave in the basement

Until help arrived

* * * * *

What this story proves:

America’s Got Talent

Has its own Paula

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Marge Simpson will be featured on the cover of Playboy in November — and in a three-page spread.

I can’t decide who’s the more desperate party, Fox or Playboy (I’m leaning towards Playboy).

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Swine flu has been the cause of death for 76 kids — 16 in the past week.

You know what’ll probably help fight swine flu? Trick or treating.

Wait. Not help. What’s the other word? Oh, right. Exacerbate.

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Fun Facts About The F Train (that isn’t running at our station this weekend, next weekend, the following weekend…):

* It’s “off-schedule” 25% more often than the system average.

* During the morning rush, 26% of all Manhattan-bound trains are overcrowded by the time they get to Roosevelt Avenue.

* During the evening rush, 12% of all Brooklyn-bound trains are overcrowded by Jay St/Borough Hall.

* Also during the evening rush, 2.5 Brooklyn-bound trains skip stations each day (on average).

* 15 trains a week are re-routed onto the A,G, R or V lines “with little notice.”

But fear not. The MTA is “exploring the possibility of running a Manhattan-bound express F train.”

In 2013.

I hate the MTA.

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Mexican police found 2.6 tons of marijuana in a truck that smugglers had filled with rotting bananas, hoping it would mask the smell of the drugs.

Sadly, they forgot to mask the smell of a truck filled with rotting bananas.

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Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) will once again draw a paycheck from NBC. This time, he’ll be appearing on The Celebrity Apprentice.

Please don’t watch? Please?

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Rich Lowry congratulates Obama for “breath[ing] life into the Republican Party.”

For Rich’s definition of “life,” please refer to his thoughts on the Terri Schiavo case.

Putz.

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Another editorial about the evil and stupid Nobel committee (Nobel Ninnies) that (yet again) claims that Obama’s honor is “yet another slap at George W. Bush.”

Yes, he’s such a victim. And all anyone ever thinks about. Especially when the topic is peace.

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The Post claims that the panel investigating Charlie Rangel has “already issued 150 subpoenas, interviewed 34 witnesses, produced 2,100 pages of transcripts, analyzed 12,000 documents and held 30 meetings.”

With no end in sight.

Someone please do something about this (preferably a Democrat, but I’ll let the GOP take the lead if no Dem will).

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David Hensley of Syracuse, New York has figured out Obama’s plan, confound it!

“Has anyone considered the possibility that this push for a health-care overhaul is simply a ploy to redistribute more Americans’ wealth?”

Give that man a helmet!

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Cablevision is now paying CBS for the privilege of broadcasting their network.

Estimated profit for CBS: $250,000,000.

Imagine what they could’ve gotten if they aired shows that people actually watch!

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At the end of 6 innings, the Dodgers are up 4-0. A win would end St. Louis’ season and move L.A. to the NLCS.

For the sake of all the Cardinals fans I know, let’s hope they pull off a miracle.

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Tom Coughlin says he’s “hopeful” that Eli Manning will start tomorrow.

For my father’s sake, so do I.

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Last night, the Red Sox took a 1-0 lead in the top of the 4th inning. The Angels tied it in the bottom of the 4th and added 3 more runs in the 7th, ending with a 4-1 victory and a 2-0 lead in the best-of-5 series.

In their first two ALDS games, Boston has scored 1 run. That’s 20% of the runs St. Louis (another 0-2 playoff team) has scored.

Not with a bang, chowderheads, but a whimper.

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A.J. Burnett did OK. Jose Molina said, “One run over six innings, what else do you ask for?” No runs over nine innings? But, if you ignore the two hit batsmen and the five (5) walks, I guess his pitching was solid (and the look on his face when Jeter tagged out Carlos Gomez — and prevented Delmon Young’s run from counting — was priceless [he honestly had no idea why the inning was over or why the run didn't count]).

Phil Cuzzi is the left-field umpire that called Joe Mauer’s hit in the 11th (that would have been an easy double) a foul ball. It wasn’t a foul ball. Mauer hit a single on a later pitch, but he didn’t score. And that, more than the botched call, should hurt the Twins the most.

They had the bases loaded in the 11th and no outs. A pop fly to any outfielder would have scored a run. But Teixeira made a great catch for the first out, then picked up a grounder and threw it home for the second out. Minnesota finally hit a pop fly to center, but that was the third out so no one could score.

(of course, we had Brett Gardner on 3rd with one out in the 10th and blew it, so everyone has a reason to smack their foreheads)

The Yankees referred to David Robertson’s masterful escape from the 11th inning as “the Houdini act.”

Teixeira went to bat afterwards and lasered one over the left-field wall, ending the game. Between that and A-Rod’s 9th-inning 2-run dinger (that tied the game), Yankee fans had a good night.

Game 3 is tomorrow. Go Yanks.

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Modern Family? Renewed!

Cougar Town? Renewed!

The Middle? Renewed!

Hank? Watch it while you can!

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A pilot for a Hawaii Five-O update is being made.

Can Dragnet 2010 be far behind?

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G’night!

More to come…