Archive for October 11th, 2009

More Baseball, Please!

11th October
2009
written by jed

Boston takes a 3-0 lead in the 3rd.

In the 4th inning the Angels put up a run, but Boston answered with 2 more.

One more run by the Angels made it 5-2 in the 6th, but the 8th inning had 2 more Angels cross the plate to Boston’s 1.

Which meant that Papelbon would start the 9th inning — at Fenway Park — with a 6-4 lead.

He got the first batter out. He got the second batter out. Then he gave up a single. Then he walked Figgins. Bobby Abreu (formerly of the New York Yankees) slapped a double, making it 6-5 with a man on 2nd and 3rd and two outs. Torii Hunter was intentionally walked to load the bases. Next batter? Vladimir Guerrero.

His single scored 2 more runs, giving the Angels their first lead of the day. It would be enough.

The Boston Red Sox are no longer in the playoffs. They have been swept. Their fans must now cry softly into their chowder and wait for the start of the 2010 season before discussing baseball again.

Yanks play in a little over 2 hours. Can’t wait.

Eli Manning played for less than half of today’s game, but the Giants still humiliated the Raiders 44-7.

They remain one of the five teams in the NFL with an undefeated record (4-0).

It’s a good day for NY teams… so far…

NEW BOOK EXCLUSIVE

My twisted life as Osama’s wife

MARRIED TO A MONSTER

The excerpts from Victoria Gotti’s new memoir (Growing Up Gotti) must have been so successful that the Post found another ugly woman who was married to a jerk and gave excerpts of her book (Growing Up bin Laden, and I wish I was kidding) two pages in today’s paper. And you know what I learned from them? That I don’t want a copy of this book and that Osama bin Laden was a bad husband and father.

On a slight tangent, Phil Mushnick’s weekly whining in the back page of the TV listings (Prime Time) laments the death throes of real journalism on the TV.

“Legit broadcast journalism, so important yet nearly dead, last week took another hit when CBS News’ 48 Hours presented an ‘exclusive’ with the Gotti family. Three days later, Victoria Gotti’s tell-all was released by Simon & Schuster, the publishing division of CBS. CBS’ 60 Minutes now regularly takes such corporate sales dives…”

1) For a solid week, the newspaper Phil writes for had full-page full-color ads trumpeting their EXCLUSIVE excerpts of that same book. Then they spent four consecutive days giving Gotti not only the front page, but also two pages of excerpts. But the only reason CBS put it on 48 Hours is because Simon & Schuster is a subsidiary of CBS.

2) When did 60 Minutes enter into this conversation?

3) Why did Phil put exclusive in quotes? Was he also mocking CBS’ assertion that they had an exclusive? Is this like all the pundits saying “Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize proves that it’s a worthless hunk of shit and also Ronald Reagan should’ve gotten it”?

Obama gave a speech yesterday assuring the folks that voted for him that “I will end ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

But he didn’t say how or when.

Which is kind of infuriating.


This is exactly the kind of guy you mos def want representing you in court.


Clyde Eisman, 41, graduate of Tulane Law School and former law clerk at the Department of Defense, is suing the Bally’s Total Fitness on West 32nd Street.

He says he joined the gym in August of 2007 so that he could take spinning classes. He says that other members were “mean to him” and that he “found it nearly impossible to get a bike seat in basement spin room.” He says that he went to class early one day in December of 2007 in order to guarantee himself a bike. He says that “a large, heavyset female placed her body over [him]“ in an effort to take over his bike. He is accusing the fat lady of “embarrassing and offensive touching” and suing for a refund of his $1,500 membership fee.

What he doesn’t say is why he waited almost 2 years to file the lawsuit against the fat lady who sat on him and made him sad and the gym where it happened.

Might shame have been a factor?

No further questions.

When it comes to Michael Goodwin, there are two kinds of people. One thinks he’s an asshole, the other knows he’s an asshole.

“When it comes to Barack Obama, there are two kinds of people. One still believes he walks on water, the other knows he’s just a talented politician. The five-man Nobel peace panel obviously belongs to the faith-based camp. Count them as slow learners. Yet there’s no sense cursing them, for they inadvertently have provided a valuable service: Their award signifies the high-water mark of Obama-mania. The prize is so preposterous, it can only hasten the awakening of others to his inflated stature. Like an investor who buys into a bubble just before it bursts, the panel’s declaration that Obama has done more for peace than anyone on the planet does not stand even half-serious scrutiny. The instant result is a simultaneous diminishing of both the prize and the man.”

I was also surprised when the panel announced that “Obama has done more for world peace than anyone else on the planet,” until I realized they didn’t. But why let something like the truth get in the way of yet another sarcastic attack on the POTUS? Surprisingly (to people who have never read Goodwin before), the piece ends with praise for someone who really has done more for world peace than anyone on the planet. “Now there’s a man worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize.”

He’s referring to Ronald Reagan (again, I wish I was kidding).

In a small box in the corner, Goodwin wrote the brief Obama’s no-award award:

“Obama aide David Axelrod, after the Nobel shocker, promises, ‘The goal is not to win awards.’ Whew. I feel better already.”

And, as I am now finished with Mikey’s page of infuriating condescension, I also feel better. Already.


According to “a team source and a top sports shrink,” the reason A-Rod is doing so well in the postseason is… Kate Hudson.

And yet, she can’t make a decent movie…

According to Page Six (today on page 14), Rudy 9iu11ani and his current wife (who, unlike his first wife, isn’t his cousin) were at Yankee Stadium on Wednesday night in the first row behind the Yankee dugout.

He complained that they weren’t as good as his old seats — the ones next to the dugout. Security was alerted. Long story short, a young couple behind home plate was told to switch with America’s Mayor and his wife. Even though their seats weren’t next to the Yankee dugout.

What a dick.


Jim Belushi and Dan Aykroyd recently performed an impromptu cover of “Rawhide” at California’s Hearst Castle. Brooke Shields played tambourine.


This gives me a great idea for a movie: Blues Brothers 3000! Belushi and Shields replacing John Goodman, the Black guy and the kid who wasn’t a Culkin? How can this not make money?

Investors should contact me ASAP.

Just as Phil Mushnick doesn’t read the front page of the Post, Cindy Adams doesn’t appear to read Andrea Peyser (maybe she isn’t as stupid as I thought…?).

“Not even David Letterman himself on a randy night could ever have churned as much as those stories about him still churn. His new nighttime prayer: ‘Please, God, You love all Your children. You help nobodies, untalented understudies, interns, unfunny guests. Now it’s time to help me — a star.’ Please. I mean, PLEASE. This is insanity.”

It took me all day, but after reading the whole thing and chatting with some scientists, we’ve concluded that today’s piece is bout how absurd it is to make a big stink about Letterman’s affairs.

“Mr. Letterman forced this lady? I don’t think so.This was no chick driving with a learner’s permit. Mr. Letterman even slightly coerced this lady? I don’t think so. Being in TV, she made a success of her affairs. She did it as a series.”

Make sense? I don’t think so. Should Cindy get in the box? Totes.

Queens resident Dan Halloran is running for the City Council as a Republican.

He’s also the head of a local tribe of Theodists. Theodism is a pre-Christian religion from Europe that reveres nature, worships multiple gods and animal sacrifice.

There are between 50,000 and 100,000 Theodists in the world today. Roughly 20,000 live in the U.S.

Let’s hope most of them are in Queens, otherwise Dan doesn’t have a very good shot at winning. Or going to Heaven.

Barbra Streisand is having an auction at the Beverly Hills Hilton next weekend.

Her white baby grand piano is expected to fetch at least $10,000, A Dutch oil painting called “La Chanteuse” should get $200,000, and Elliott Gould is expected to go for $500 (OBO).

James Arthur Ray is a frequent guest on Oprah. He recently held one of his “Spiritual Warrior” retreats at a sweat lodge in Arizona. 63 people attended (at $10,000 a head!).

Two are now dead. 19 were taken to the hospital with respiratory arrest, kidney failure, or elevated body temperature. One remains in critical condition.

Poor Oprah.

John Bolton is allowed to share his insane views in a full-page editorial titled O’s albatross.

The sub-head is Misguided Nobel will weigh on rest of his presidency and the piece ends with “Instead of preening itself on the wonderfulness of honoring Obama, the Nobel Committee should have worried more that it was actually hanging an albatross around his neck.”

I’m assuming he forget to add the last sentence “And anyway, it should have gone to Reagan.”

Can everyone just please stop giving him a platform to speak? Please?

The accompanying doctored photo of Alfred Nobel (on the actual Peace Prize) reacting in horror to Obama’s award (with the caption “He won what!?”) is a nice touch.

Elizabeth Ford has a great article on why women should marry for money and not love.

I can’t seem to find a picture of her online, so I’ll just assume she’s beautiful and happily married.

Vague Poll of the Week!

In 1990, Gallup reported that 78% of Americans thought gun laws should be more strict. More recently, ____ asked the same question to _____ and only 44% were in favor of stricter gun laws.

Thanks for the info, guys! You’re ______!

What a great article on the guy who owns the magazines I used to work for! Apparently, he’s making huge money by buying comic book conventions! Terrific!

What, no mention of all the people he’s laid off at all of his publications? How odd.

Patrick Grant of Brooklyn writes in to say, “I think it would be great if Rush Limbaugh, rumored to be interested in buying a share in the Rams, to become part owner of an NFL team. And if he is attacked by the usual suspects for trying to buy in, it only underscores that the phony liberals poison even the sports pages. It’s funny how the tolerance gestapo are only tolerant of people they like. Which hardly demonstrates tolerance.”

1) Using “gestapo” to describe liberals = classy (and tolerant!).

2) Limbaugh is a racist. He has repeatedly proclaimed that Blacks make shitty quarterbacks. Members of the Rams have already gone on record and said that, if Rush buys the team, they will refuse to play.

3) I’m only tolerant of people who are tolerable. Rush isn’t on that list. And neither is Patrick Grant.

Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui and Andy Pettitte are all free agents after this season.

Damon and Matsui I expect to not come back. Andy might… if he shames Pavano tonight.

And by tonight, I mean RIGHT. NOW.

Time to tune in and tune out. See you tomorrow!

(P.S. – Mauer’s ball wasn’t even close. It was a ground-rule double, not a foul ball. Hopefully tonight’s won’t be as close.)

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