Archive for October 12th, 2009

Where’s My Internets?

12th October
2009
written by jed

No dice in Brooklyn. Can’t seem to get onto the great bandwidth in the sky, so I’m writing this in Hartsdale (we were coming up anyway — a happy accident, if you will).

Last night’s game was another close one. Carl “The Great Pavumpkin” Pavano pitched a great game (!), but Mr. Andrew Pettitte pitched a better one.

The ALDS is over. The ALCS in next, followed by some sort of infinite ordered set of terms combined together by the addition operator, which I believe is global.

Sadly, because they swept their opponents and schedules were scheduled in case the full 5 games were necessary, the Yankees don’t take the field again until Friday. Until then? Nothin’ to do but bask in their glow. And smile.

Dan Aquilante reviews Michael Jackson’s new single “This Is It” (which is actually an outtake from 1991’s Dangerous), currently streaming on michaeljackson.com. Dan says “the song is such a whopper, it could become the biggest-selling single of all time.”

The guy was talented. He wrote some incredibly catchy tunes. “This Is It” isn’t one of them. Even the lyrics are mediocre (it opens with “This is it, here I stand, I’m gonna light up the world, I feel grand”).

Will it sell millions of copies? Absolutely. Will people be listening to it in a year? As Whitney might say, “Hell to the no.”

E-he.

Shari Logan and Adam Nichols blow the lid off of the seedy underbelly of the Halloween costume industry with BE SCARED, MOM!, a hard-hitting expose of how costumes for young girls have become highly sexualized (fathers, apparently, need not be scared by this).

Harlem mom Malinda Martinez, 33, has a 6-year-old girl and told the Post, “If girls get used to dressing like this, they might want to become a whore after Halloween.”

One catalog entry (for a costume that comes in sizes “that can fit a 4-year-old” and is available at Party City on 14th Street) reads, “The Navy ships won’t want to leave the dock unless this cute sailor girl is on board” which doesn’t make sense because everyone in the Navy is gay. A pirate costume that is made for 8-year-olds (and up) is called “The High Seas Hottie.”

This is the kind of story that would have been awesome 10 years ago, when this might have surprised people. Hell, turn on Telemundo and you’ll probably see a tube-topped 5-year-old slathered with more make-up on her face than Cameron Diaz and dancing the Lambada. And that’s a year-round thing. Not seasonal.

(still, if you buy your under-16 daughter any costume with the word “sexy” or “hot” or “steamy” or “gang-rapeable,” you’re a terrible parent)

The Catholic Church has named 5 new saints: Belgian Jozef De Veuster (also known as Father Damien for some reason), French nun Jeanne Jugan, Polish bishop Zygmunt Szcezesny Felinski and two Spaniards (Francisco Coll y Guitart and Rafael Arniaz Baron).

Like those five people have done more to spread peace than any other five people in the world. What a farce.

And anyway, Ronald Reagan should have gotten a sainthood.

Hey, Moms? If you’re driving your kids somewhere? Could you not be drunk? Please?

The newest addition to the list of despicable women who drive drunk and cause deaths is Carmen Huertas, 31, who had seven kids in her car when she hit a guardrail on the Henry Hudson Parkway (at around 96th Street) and flipped off the road. Leandra Rosado, 11, was killed.

According to one of the kids, Carmen asked everyone in the car, “Who thinks something’s gonna happen? Raise your hand. Who thinks we’re gonna get into an accident?” before starting to drive. Every kid raised their hand.

Huertas’ Breathalyzer test showed her blood-alcohol level was .13 — 1.5 times the legal limit.

Already, her neighbors and family have begun insisting that she didn’t have a drinking problem and she’s not a monster and blah blah blah.

She drove drunk. She joked about it with the kids. And one of them is dead. Shame on her and shame on anyone that implies that that in and of itself doesn’t make her a bad person.

John McCain. Remember when he spoke his mind? When he was a maverick? When he had dignity and pride?

Now he’s going on the TV box and telling people (with a straight face!) that he thinks Sarah Palin would be a great choice for the Republicans to nominate in 2012 (for the job she cost him).

At this point in his life, I honestly have no idea what he hopes to gain from toeing the party line. I just hope it’s worth it.

A 20-year-old is accusing Officer Michael Incandela, 27, of arresting her for DWI and then offering to make the charges disappear if she slept with him.

Looks like Werner Herzog isn’t the only person remaking Bad Lieutenant! Huh? Huh?

According to the Post, archaeologists say that “the only thing likely to hit Earth [in the year 2012] is a New Age shower of pop astronomy, Internet rumors and TV specials.”

This is why you never hear the phrase “funny archaeologist.”

“The insurance industry yesterday charged that the proposed Senate health-care bill would shift costs to privately insured people, raising the price of a typical policy by hundreds — if not thousands — of dollars annually.”

Which is kind of like Burger King saying that the FDA restricting the use of tainted meat will make their burgers cost more.

Maybe if they saved the hundreds of millions of dollars that they have spent (and continue to spend) on lobbyists, they wouldn’t have to raise the prices of their policies. Heck, they might even be able to afford to fulfill their promises to policyholders!

Andrea Peyser made good on her promise to “install” a “David Letterman Countdown Clock” on her page of ugly. Today’s marks “1,177 Days until the horndog’s contract expires.”

One article claims They’ve got a lot of perv in H’wood, wherein she denounces The Reader, the recently-opened An Education and the soon-to-be-released Precious, and attributes the rise on teenage sex onscreen to “the Roman Polanski Effect on a town that’s the most perverted on the planet.” She even jokes that “In Hollywood, pedophilia is the new black.” But the ending is my favorite: “Well, Hollywood did have compassion for Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story, a head-scratching anti-America screed executive produced by [Harvey] Weinstein. I wonder how much of the movie’s capitalistic profits will be donated to abused children.”

I’d guess that it’s roughly the same amount that you donate, Andrea.

She spends most of the page insulting Columbia University (“that lefty Ivy campus” with a “wimpy administration”) and Brown University (a “fuzzy-headed institution”) and NYU (“Columbia’s kissing cousin in correctness”) because they don’t celebrate Columbus Day. I wonder which school Andrea graduated from. Was it a college? Or shrewniversity?

(see what I did there?)

But she couldn’t not comment (again) on the Nobel Peace Prize. “While the right was busy slamming the brain trust in Oslo for awarding the Nobel to a man who hasn’t actually done anything, like winning the fight against terrorists in Afghanistan, the left slammed Obama — for failing to hug terrorists in Afghanistan.”

What a perfect encapsulation of the left. On their behalf, let me say “thanks” and also “try to get hit by a train soon.”

Page Six (today on page 11) asks “Which closeted George W. Bush apointee and political strategist was at an all-gay birthday party at Union Square the other night?”

Um… all of them?

They also have a photograph of LeAnn Rimes and her “new beau” on Fifth Avenue. She is wearing the frock of a 90-year-old recluse and he is wearing an old woman’s scarf tied around his neck. If They Might Be Giants were a single person, it would be this man.

I’m thinking maybe they’re just (fabulous) friends.

It just occurred to me that, the day I went to help paint the new Magnet space, they said they’d need me to come back on Wednesday and that they’d call with more details, but they never did. Hmmm. Memo to self: e-mail Mark.

Cindy Adams claims that Sarah Palin is “gearing up” and that Palin is “primed, ready and now forming a national organization called ‘Stand Up for Our Nation.’ Exactly what it’s standing for is unclear.” According to Palin’s “people,” they describe it as a chance for Palin “to promote issues she’s passionate about.” Like pettiness and ignorance? You betcha!

Julia Stiles tells Cindy that, between performances of Oleanna, she wanders the streets. “And nobody ever recognizes me. In Times Square, people are in such a rush, so involved, that they don’t make eye contact.”

Julia? They recognize you. They just don’t care.

The new MTA chief says that a new fare card (“an E-ZPass for straphangers”) will be available in 2014.

Fare card? More like unfare card! Huh? Huh?

Dave and Lacey Castro were among the 41 entries in the North American Wife Carrying Championship. They won with a time of 54.45 seconds (for a 278-yard course).

The grand prize was her weight in beer (97 pounds) and 5 times her weight in cash ($485).

They will compete in the world finals in Finland in July. All Americans should be rooting for them. Or the terrorists win.

Couples Retreat? Really, America? Sigh.

Some students at SUNY Geneseo are being sued by the father of Arman Partamian. Arman was 19 when he died in March. He was being initiated (into what, the article doesn’t say) and forced to drink a lot of booze.

So much, in fact, that when his dead body was discovered the following morning (after he passed out, everyone left him alone and went to do other things somewhere else), his blood-alcohol was between .39 and .55 (that’s ridiculously high).

Arman’s dad wants $12,000,000. My guess is that, if the families of any of those kids had anything close to that kind of money, they wouldn’t be enrolled at SUNY Geneseo.

78-year-old Irish priest Michael Sinnott was kidnapped in the Philippines by six gunmen.

We can only hope that he’s read Bill O’Reilly’s expert advice on what to do in such an event.

You know how you can make every fortune in a fortune cookie funny by adding “in bed” to the end of it? Well, the same thing works for letters to the New York Post if you add “And anyway, Ronald Reagan should have gotten it.” Try it with these four chuckleheads!

Wayne Olson of Suffern says, “The Nobel Peace Prize has been a joke since they gave one to Yasser Arafat.”

Tony Ditizio of Farmingdale says, “They should rename it the Euro-elitist left-wing Nobel Peace Prize.”

Erik Lander of Brooklyn says, “Obama won the prize for one reason and one reason only: His name is not George W. Bush.”

Alba Herrera of Freehold, New Jersey says, “That prize is not worth the paper it is written on.”

(Shhhh. Don’t tell Alba that the award isn’t written on paper.)

Alicia Silverstone somehow managed to get a 3-page modeling spread in the Pulse section. She also has a vegan diet book coming out. “Dairy was designed to make a baby calf into a 400-pound cow. So, it’s like, if I want to be a 400-pound cow, I know what to eat.” So… you never eat or drink dairy, Alicia? “I had dairy a few weeks ago by accident and I knew because the next day I was all phlegmy. And I was farting and it was gross.” Excellent.

If the Rockies lose the game tonight, Philadelphia makes the NLCS. If they win, the Game 5 tie-breaker will happen tomorrow. The winning team will play the Dodgers. And the team that wins that series will, hopefully, be playing the Yanks.

Phil Mushnick fills his column by pointing out even the teeniest mistakes that are made during sports broadcasts. Today, I actually learned something interesting (Brendan Harris stayed in the batter’s box after he hit what would turn into run-scoring triple in Game 2 — if he had taken off immediately, he might have had a home run) before reading about how everyone else isn’t as smart as Phil.

See if you can find the parallels to a pot and kettle of African descent: “In the 11th, when Joe Girardi gestured for a righty, [Chip] Caray made it sound as if he were pulling Damaso Marte because he’d allowed the first two to reach: ‘And Girardi has seen enough of Martre.’ But Martre, lefty to lefties, figured to pitch only to the first two Twins, regardless.”

Even a moron can spell Damaso Marte’s name right, right, Phil?

Fun Facts:

David Ortiz hit .083 in the playoffs. Youkilis, as did Kevin Youkilis.

The Red Sox, as a whole, hit .158.

Pettitte’s win last night was his 15th postseason victory, tying John Smoltz for the record. It was also Andy’s 36th start in the postseason.

Derek Jeter has hit safely in 40 of his last 48 postseason games. All told, he has 74 hits in 53 postseason games.

Ron Gardenhire, the manager for the Twins, on the Yankees: “I hate it when I play against them, but I do enjoy watching the way they play, They are professionals. They are baseball players.” Agreed.

Upstairs Downstairs is currently being remade (for broadcast in 2011) — and it’s taking place in 1936.

Fun Fact: Jack Webb once tried to remake it by transporting it to Los Angeles and taking place at an employment agency.

He was just a fountain of brilliance, no?

According to Michael Starr, Mario Lopez has a new children’s book out called Mud Tacos!

Keep up the great work, Mike.

George Takei and his husband will be the first gay couple to compete on The Newlywed Game tomorrow night.

They will also be the first couple that makes viewers wince when they imagine them having sex (and not because they’re gay).

Dinner’s ready! Gotta fly!

Hopefully internet will be back by tomorrow. If not… well, we’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Happy Columbus Day to everyone except Andrea Peyser!

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