Archive for October 13th, 2009

Joe Francis Knows Gay Struggles

13th October
2009
written by jed

MADOFF IN JAIL BRAWL

Bruising battle — over stox!

I was really excited about this headline. I’ve been waiting for the inevitable shiv-poking of Madoff. The man deserves the worst that the penal system has to offer — the rape-ier, the better. But then I read this: “And, by all accounts, the 71-year-old swindler emerged victorious, giving him new jailhouse cred.” A quick flip of the page informs me that his assailant was also “a senior citizen” and that he shoved Madoff and Madoff shoved him back harder. The guy fell down and then ran away.

“‘I didn’t think Bernie had it in him. He got the best of him; he was really aggressive, and the other guy was in shock that he fought back,’ an inmate said.”

How exciting. No, not exciting. What’s the other word? Oh, yeah. Dull.

Two old men push each other and this is going to improve Bernie’s “cred”? Are the other inmates all elderly cowards?

Way to get my hopes up, Post.

Page 3 has a nice photo of Otis Houston Jr.

He likes to wear a hat with a slice of watermelon and flowers on the top. And boxing gloves.

He used to hang out on the FDR Drive, waving to drivers and causing traffic jams, but he recently moved to the West Side Highway because “cops [there] don’t write as many tickets.”

Otis explains that his hat signifies his belief in “God, eating right and exercise.” He calls what he does “art.”

And in the photo in today’s paper, Otis smiles, wearing no boxing gloves (he’s holding various fruits instead) and only one sneaker.

And that’s two-thirds of page 3.

O sick over health-bill study implies that America’s Health Insurance Plans’ recent report has made Obama “sick.”

Here are some of the definitions/synonyms for sick that I found at thesaurus.com: not healthy, not feeling well, ailing, bedridden, broken down, debilitated, defective, diseased, feeble, frail, impaired, lousy, weak… morbid, gross, black (racism!), sadistic… fed up, bored, jaded… ailing, enfeebled, sickly, wasting… amiss, wrong, defective, awry, bad, confused, crooked, erroneous, fallacious, false, faulty, foul, improper, inaccurate, inappropriate, incorrect, mistaken, unfair…

The AHIP report was responded to by Obama’s spokesman Reid Cherlin: “This is a distorted and flawed report from the insurance industry and cannot be taken seriously.” But people that hate Obama (and don’t want no Muslin to kill their grandmaw) are taking it seriously. The best analogy I can come up with is if McDonald’s ran a commercial that said “The FDA wants to force us to improve the quality of the meat in our burgers. That’s going to make you pay more and our products more unhealthy. Please don’t let Washington molest your grandparents.”

The industry is corrupt. For Christ’s sake, a health-insurance company in Colorado refused to cover a 4-month-old baby that weighed 17 pounds BECAUSE HIS OBESITY WAS A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION. They’ve since changed their mind (media scrutiny can be helpful at times), but that fat baby is hardly alone in the Getting Jerked Around Department (3rd floor). Reform is necessary. Asking the people who currently steal money from dying Americans (and refuse them the coverage they paid for) to weigh in on the debate is like asking Roman Polanski to help redefine what constitutes rape.

But the headline for this little sound bite does its job. As does the repulsive editorial later on. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

How much will it cost to repair the Tappan Zee Bridge?

$16,000,000,000.

To help pay for it, a new $50,000 toll will be installed next month.

Hillary Clinton was asked if she plans to run for POTUS again.

“No.”

“No?” asked Ann Curry (again).

“No. No. I mean this is a great job. It is a 24-7 job. And I’m looking forward to retirement at some point.”

Then Clinton walked backstage and punched a hole through an intern.

You know that wildly mediocre new Michael Jackson song? The one that Dan Aquilante believes could outsell every other single since the dawn of man?

Paul Anka wrote it. In 1983.

Fans started asking him if he noticed the similarity between his “I Never Heard” and Jackson’s “This Is It.”

“What do you mean that sounds like my song? That is my song. It’s the same damn song! That’s me on the piano, those are my fingers popping!”

The Jackson estate has agreed to give Anka 50% of the song’s profits.

You might want to hire a really good lawyer, Paul.

Another crane collapse, but this time it was in Philadelphia. Three injuries, one fatality.

Someone should ask the companies that make these shoddy cranes if regulation is necessary to prevent future accidents.

Joe Francis joined the recent Gay Rights march in Washington, D.C. because, “with the gay movement, it’s personal.The same religious right assholes who took away my civil rights and put me in jail for a year because they don’t like what I do for a living have taken away gay rights. I know firsthand how it feels to have your civil rights stripped away from you. P.S., lots of lesbians marched, too.

I imagine that Gay America now understands how Roman Polanski felt when Woody Allen voiced his support for him.

Carly Simon is suing Starbucks.

No, she didn’t spill coffee on her reproductive organs. She claims that they didn’t properly promote the album she recorded for them. She wants $5,000,000 – $10,000,000.

Starbucks says that they marketed the album as per their agreement and that people just didn’t want her new album. The company is hoping that the upcoming release of their exclusive Jennifer Warnes album will sell like hotcakes.

More about the 7-girl/1-drunk mom car accident.

“‘As they were driving, her own daughter [Brittany] said, ‘Mommy, slow down!” recounted Melody Sanchez, whose daughter, Kayla Fernandez, 11, was in Carmen Huertas’ swerving car early Sunday when the group left a birthday party in Chelsea. ‘And [Huertas] said, ‘If you think this is bad, wait until we get on the highway.’ Huertas, 31, then said, ‘I don’t care about these other kids — only my baby,’ a reference to her 1-year-old child, who was not in the car, Sanchez said her daughter told her. ‘And her daughter said, ‘What about me, Mom? I’m your daughter,” Sanchez said. But chillingly, Huertas did not reply.”

Huertas’ brother claims that she is suicidal now. Good.

Daniel Aleman, 26, and Daniel Rodriguez, 21, decided that Jack Price, 49, was a little too gay for their tastes, so they jumped him in Queens and fractured his jaw and ribs and lacerated his spleen. He’s currently in a medically induced coma (in serious but stable condition).

It’s bad enough that hate crimes continue anywhere, but if a gay man can’t safely walk the streets of Queens…

Do I think Rush Limbaugh should be allowed to buy an NFL team? Nope. Am I happy that The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton has taken up the cause with the NFL? Nope.

Limbaugh, who claims that his racist statements about Donovan McNabb were misconstrued by idiots, told his idiot listeners, “This has nothing to do with the National Football League. It has nothing to do with the St. Louis Rams. It has nothing to do with anything other than a bunch of slanderous, jealous, incompetent sportswriters.”

On second thought, maybe it takes a fat blowhard to fight a fat blowhard. Go get ‘im, Fat Al.

NBC, which just cancelled the best drama they had (Southland), has just told the cast of Glee that they can’t have a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. They claim that they don’t want to showcase and promote a rival network’s property. Like when they had an American Idol float. And a High School Musical float. And a Bart Simpson balloon.

Fuck you for thinking that people would see a stupid float in that dumb-ass parade and think, “Maybe I should watch that show on the TV from now on!”

And fuck you for canceling Southland. Fans of the show (or folks who just want more details), click here.

The show has about a week to get picked up by another network (*cough cough* HBO *cough*). If it gets no takers, it goes away for good.

Thankfully, Jay Leno is still awful at 10:00 — five nights a week! Forever!

In the daily Weird BUT true sidebar, the Post reports that Louisville, Kentucky has launched a new ad campaign promoting their town as a place where a guy “can find a girl with a tattooed butt.”

I really wanted to find the ad, so I checked YouTube. Here it is:

Fun fact: this was uploaded to YouTube in January of 2008. Weird but true!

Do you own a Sidekick from T-Mobile? Then you probably just lost all of the data in your phone.

All the numbers, all the pictures, all the passwords, everything.

Last week, there was a data outage. Then service came back intermittently. Now folks are reporting that their phones have been wiped clean.

T-Mobile continues to warn customers not to reset their phones yet.

But anyone who still has an account with them after this last week+ is quite silly.

Shout For Huey Genitals (sorry, Ralph Peters) laments that the U.S. is “stuck in two nations’ civil wars.” And those countries are…

Did you guess the U.S.? Ha! Good guess, but no.

Did you guess Iraq? Ha! No. “Opponents of our involvement in Iraq — foes of President Bush, really — constantly claimed that country was in a state of civil war. Iraq came close, but the civil war never quite happened.”

No, the two civil wars we’re currently in the middle of are in Afghanistan and Pakistan. And Ralph says that, if the Afghani people don’t get their shit together and take charge themselves, then there’s no way we can win there. B’also, he thinks we need more troops there.

Wait. What?

Yup, Obama has appointed Lt. Gen. William B. Caldwell IV to go to Afghanistan and try to organize the natives into an army capable of fighting the terrorists themselves. Which, Peters admits, may not be possible.

“As our country awaits an unprepared president’s decision on more troops for Afghanistan, Caldwell’s appointment slipped under the media radar. But his job’s the crucial one. Afghanistan’s fate doesn’t rely on more American troops, but on Afghan commitment. If Afghans and Pakistanis wont save their own countries from civil wars, they can’t be saved.”

But… then why is it so abhorrent that Obama may not send 40,000 more troops to a place that YOU YOURSELF JUST SAID might be a lost cause? You stink, Peters.

Three editorials:

1) Health-Reform Lemon treats the AHIP report as gospel (bonus points: it refers to it as “the Pricewaterhouse Coopers report” in the hopes that no one connects it to the companies that we’re trying to reform): “Bottom line: By 2019, ‘reform’ would add as much as $4,000 to the average family’s premium and $1,500 to the individual plan.” Bottom line: They’re wrong and you’re irresponsible for parroting their ignorance.

2) Who’ll Save New York? laments that “Gov. Paterson, not surprisingly, has decided to cower in a corner as New York barrels toward a California-style fiscal meltdown.” Not surprisingly? So… now you’re back on the “he’s incompetent” bandwagon? You’re no longer making his the victim of the White House’s back-stabbing shenanigans? You’re admitting that the man who wasn’t elected to the post isn’t good at it? So… you agree that he shouldn’t run for re-election? “Dicker reports that the gov wants the Legislature to take the hit for unpopular cuts, leaving him better positioned to run for election next year. In reality, the move only reconfirms his irrelevance.” He’s irrelevant. Gotcha. So… I won’t be reading much about him in the next year…?

3) Foiling the Fool-harmonic (see what they did there?) is my fave. “The New York Philharmonic’s global ‘commie tour’ has hit a snag: The orchestra had to cancel its jaunt to Cuba after the Treasury Department said its wealthy backers couldn’t come along. Pity those poor rich (hypocritical) capitalists — and their (misguided) musical wards.” It goes on to complain, “When last heard from, the Philharmonic was playing court minstrel for North Korean madman Kim Jong-il — while his people starved. It’s doubtful the political prisoners in the Castros’ jails would’ve gotten to enjoy the show either.” And it ends with, “Still, it’s not like the fun’s completely ruined: The Philharmonic is slated to play Communist Vietnam this weekend. Talk about tone deaf.” Wait a minute… Vietnam is communist? But… but… now every other country around it will become communist! It’s the Domino Theory, people! Sound the alarms!

Talk about stupid.

Howard Lipset of Port Washington writes in to say, “I know why all of the Democrats voted not to kick out Rangel: They want the same courtesy when their tax fraud becomes known.”

See House Dems? You lay down with dogs, you get fleas. This is how people see you now. Make the fat bastard step down, or lose your next election.

The yen and the euro are now more favored currencies (for banks’ reserve currency) than the dollar

December 21, 2012 can’t get here soon enough.

There’s a new cable channel joining the line-up on October 30th: Epix! They show movies! And in honor of their grand premiere, their first movie will be… Iron Man? Really? Hasn’t that already been on cable for a while?

Oh, well. Best of luck, Epix!

The Original SoupMan is opening an eatery in the Mohegan Sun’s food court at the Winter Casino. It will have all of the soups in every other franchise, but it will be the first to also offer sandwiches — named for NYC landmarks including:

The Little Italy? Nice. The Ellis Island? Sweet. The Jones Beach? Uh, OK. The Belmont? Makes me think of horses. The Penn Station? Makes me think of the smell of bum pee. The Hudson? Are you insane?

In other tangential Seinfeld news, Jason Alexander will be performing at The Concert Venue at Harrah’s in Atlantic City on October 17th “as Donny Clay.” That’s his fake motivational speaker character. I liked that idea better when Peter Gwinn was doing it at the UCB.

And it didn’t cost $40-$60 for a ticket.

Mandy Stadtmiller has a lovely article that asks if women are more miserable today because of all the new rights they have (they work! they can be the boss! they multi-task!). It’s not a very good piece (lots of women whining about something or other), but Julie Klausner made me laugh at the end.

“Based on what I see on the news, it looks like women — and older women in particular — are happier than ever. I should mention that what I call ‘the news,’ Time Warner Cable insists on labeling on their channel guide as Cougartown.“

Bob Dylan’s new Christmas album is out

And may God have mercy on its soul.

The Chicago Cubs have filed for Chapter 11 protection. This will allow their parent company to sell them for $845,000,000.

Will this break the Billy Goat Curse?

John Siciliano of the Bronx asks, “Do you know why Obama was not one of the five new saints named by the Pope? In order to be canonized you have to have done something.”

Like die of leprosy.

Mariano Rivera’s lifetime ERA in the postseason is 0.74 — that’s for over 121 innings in 79 games.

That is beyond ridiculous. How can you not love this guy?

Billy Wagner, former choking Met and now former choking Red Sox (they agreed not to pick up Wagner’s $8,800,000 option for 2010), is headed for retirement. Everyone figured he’d play one more year (he has 385 saves — just 15 away from 400), but he says that reaching that milestone is “just dust in the wind.”

Oh, Billy… (presses breast against the glass)

Poor New York Jets. Their morbidly obese coach couldn’t help them beat Miami.

They’re now 3-2. The Giants are 5-0.

More Southland news.

Apparently, the 6 episodes that were ordered by NBC (and which were supposed to air in less than three weeks) were deemed “too dark and gritty for the 9:00 hour on broadcast television.” And since Jay Leno owns the 10:00 slot it used to occupy, NBC decided to cancel it (not even a move to Saturday nights? really?). A & E passed on picking up the homeless show, but TNT might pick it up.

Please go to cable. Please don’t go to a network that will agree with the “too dark and gritty” nonsense.

It is a phenomenal show. Please don’t let it get Arrested Developmented.

Hell’s Kitchen is airing the last two episodes of the season tonight. Back-to-back.

Who will get yelled at the most? Who will mutter under their breath? What will Whoopi Goldman shout when he comes back? Find out tonight, donkey!

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