Archive for October 14th, 2009

Publishing Jacob Sullum Is A Hate Crime

14th October
2009
written by jed

Teresa’s doctor has once again outdone himself in both the incompetence department and the unapologetic department (which are both on the 5th floor). When (if) I get her blessing, I will tear this asshole a new… asshole in the Hall of Fame for Jerks (which I’ve wanted to do since he insisted that my wife never asked to stay overnight at NYU after her radiation, despite her repeatedly doing so — thank God [and Bethany] that NYU stepped in to help).

But for now, let’s get Posty.

The cover story today (CITY MAUL) covers last night’s mayoral debate between incumbent/sure thing Mike Bloomberg and Bill Something (Thomerson? Tompkins? Timpton?). The paper’s “panel of undecided voters” weren’t impressed by either candidate.

“I feel like I was looking for a reason to vote for Thompson, and I still haven’t gotten it yet,” said Rod Colvin, 39, of Long Island City. Emmet Sullivan, 23, of the East Village seemed to agree when he said, “Bloomberg’s not offering anything different, and Thompson’s not offering anything.” “There was no substance in their answers,” lamented Smita Saran, 25, of Murray Hill, who has obviously never seen a political debate in America before.

Thompson was aggressive in smearing Bloomberg and might have actually picked up some undecided voters… unless they know who Pedro Espada is. When asked if Espada was a better Senate majority leader than Joe Bruno was, he said “yes.” I forget… how long did Joe Bruno keep the state senate hostage? And how many girlfriend-beaters did he abandon his party with? And how much money did Bruno steal?

Yeah. Tomlinson doesn’t have a chance in Hell.

Here’s a tip for any bus driver that might be operating a vehicle I’m on today: don’t take part in the MTA’s “Day of Outrage.”

The Transit Workers Union’s plan is for their members to protest their contract dispute with the MTA by having drivers take 20 minute breaks along their routes, creating “a domino effect that would severely disrupt bus schedules.”

If I am on your bus and you pull over for a random 20-minute break (to prove that you deserve a raise), I will drive your bus to where I’m going. Count on it.

And bonus points to mayoral hopeless Bill Thompson for assuring the TWU that this plan doesn’t violate the state Taylor Law.

British scientist Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the man who wrote the original code for the Internet, explained the reason for the two slashes that precede the “www” an all web addresses: There isn’t one. He said that, in hindsight, he should have left them out of the code.

However did they win the war?

Quinnipiac University Professor Grace Levine has promised to “be more attentive” about placing students in internships at Late Show with David Letterman. Why bother? Anyone who’s enrolled at Quinnipiac University is already getting fucked out of a good education.

Well, the Baucus Bill has been approved by a the Senate Finance Committee and Olympia Snowe has voted in favor of it.

And it doesn’t have a public option.

But, that’s one of the compromises they had to make so that OF THE THREE REPUBLICANS THAT HELPED DRAFT THE BILL, ONE OF THEM WOULD VOTE FOR IT.

So now everyone is forced to get insurance from companies that overcharge and deny coverage to people that pay for it. Great job, Democrats!

I feel sick. And poorly insured.

Joe Brooks, 70, the Oscar-winning composer of “You Light Up My Life,” is awaiting trial on charges of sexual abuse (of eleven different women). But in the meantime, he’s suing his 22-year-old ex-fiancee (Joaly Gomez) for the engagement ring back, the Mercedes-Benz back, and $550,000 in cash back.

They fell in love shortly before it was revealed that he was a serial rapist. But they stayed together. And then Joe found Joaly’s marriage certificate. And then he called off the engagement and now he wants his stuff back.

That kind of betrayal hurts, doesn’t it, Joe? Well, if you think that’s bad, wait until you get to prison. They are going to really light up your life in there. I promise.

New York City keeps breakin’ records! 39,243 homeless people in shelters! An all-time high!

(or low, depending on how you look at it)

Vincent Morgan was Charlie Rangel’s campaign director in 2002. He plans on running against the raspy-voiced tax cheat in 2010.

Can I vote for him yet?

Michael Goodwin! A whole ding-dong page!

Nobelist turning whiny as his medal is tested (see what he did there?) accuses Obama of whining and complaining that people aren’t being fair to him, and of attacking anyone who disagrees with him. “The woe-is-me complaints suggest the occupant of the Oval Office, Nobel Prize and all, is feeling weak and small.”

And what of the folks he attacks? Who are they, Mike?

“The targets, from the Fox News Channel to the insurance industry to gay-rights bloggers, stand accused of being unfair, self-serving or unrealistic. Each attack contained a whiff of self-pity, revealing just how difficult Obama is finding the transition from candidate to superpower president. The attacks on Fox, where I am a contributor, are a fresh assault on an old target. While it is true that hosts on some popular programs openly oppose Obama policies, the White House has no problems with two other cable networks, CNN and MSNBC, that tilt in his favor. So its not opinion journalism that bothers the White House, only critical opinion.”

Gee, Mike. You sound like you’re whining. A lot. And your complaints that Fox isn’t taken seriously by people with the capacity for rational thought, well, that’s on you not them. Bonus points for saying that “popular programs openly oppose Obama policies.”

The bottom corner of the page has the header Thank God and I will now present it in its entirety: “The headline sent my heart racing. I scanned the article under ‘Pope Canonizes Five New Saints,’ doing a quick search of the five holies. Relief. None was named Obama.”

I hope the guy who sent that joke to the sports pages (where it was published yesterday) writes in to complain that Goodwin fucked up his joke.

Ron Darling owes $544,197 in state and federal taxes.

Even retired Mets can’t catch a break this year!

Page Six (today on page 10) reports that Pamela Anderson forced a 9-year-old to hold up the train of her dress for the entirety of the Hollywood Style Awards, and to sit on the floor (only Pam got an actual seat). The girl is believed to be the daughter of Pam’s make-up artist.

The Child Labor Coalition is looking into whether or not what Pam did was illegal or just in poor taste.

Did the girl’s mother not realize that this would put her child’s face within 3 feet of the Hepatitisiest hoo-hah in California for hours?

The players on the St. Louis Rams are 70% Black. Rush Limbaugh belongs to the Everglades Club in Palm Beach.

The Everglades Club doesn’t allow Black members. In fact, C.Z. Guest was suspended for bringing her friend Estee Lauder there in 1972 (because Lauder was Jewish). James Kimberly (heir to the Kleenex fortune) once brought Sammy Davis Jr. there… and they were both escorted out.

But Limbaugh will defend his membership. He’ll paint himself as a victim being unjustly criticized by jealous people.

The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton said, “I may go down to Florida with some brothers and sisters to see if we can have dinner at the Everglades. Guess who’s coming to dinner at the Everglades?”

Which fat windbag will prevail?

If the trade-off for being a billionaire is that you have to dress like Mary-Kate Olsen, then I’m cool with poverty.

A court has ordered Jon Gosselin to return $180,000 he stole from a joint bank account. He has until October 26th to do so.

He and his wife remain two of America’s most detestable citizens. Plus eight.

Cindy Adams asks, “And anyone know Antonio Sabato’s tattoo is the Batman distress signal: a spotlight beam over which Batman’s silhouette appears?”

1) I didn’t know that. Or who Antonio Sabato is.

2) What you described is the Bat-signal. Batman doesn’t have a distress signal.

3) The Bat-signal features Batman’s chest emblem, not his silhouette.

4) Get. In. The. Box.

Hiram Monserrate will find out whether he’s guilty or not guilty (well, we both know he’s guilty — he’ll find out if he was found guilty) tomorrow afternoon.

If he goes to jail, the Dems will have a 31-30 majority. And Espada will probably defect again.

TMZ posted pictures of Maria Shriver driving while talking on her cell phone. On two different occasions.

Her husband (Govuhnuh Ah-nuld) has promised “swift action.”

Shriver insists the photos are not of her, but of a broom and some oily rags.

A stupid woman jaywalked the other day and would up under one of those double-decker buses that Germans so adore. So today, the Post has a point/counterpoint on whether jaywalking should remain a crime. Robert Sinclair Jr., the spokesman for AAA New York insists that jaywalking is wrong. The case for jaywalking is presented by… Colin Quinn? Yay!

“Walking is our car. You need to jaywalk just to make the light.”

“Now I’ll draw the line at the diagonal jay walk — that doesn’t do anyone any good and could be hard on the brake pads. Have I ever done the diagonal jay walk? Of course I have, but it’s still wrong.”

Lord, how I miss Tough Crowd.

A portrait that was sold by Christie’s for $19,000 in 1998 to Kate Ganz. In 2007, it was resold to Peter Silverman for $22,000.

Recent analysis has concluded that it is actually a sketch by Leonardo da Vinci and worth $147,000,000.

I think maybe we should confiscate Kate’s shoelaces and belt (if you know what I mean).

You think Carmen Huertas is reprehensible? Dig this:

Her husband saw she was drunk before she drove seven girls onto and over the Henry Hudson Parkway (killing one of them). He told other people at the party they were all at that her wife was in no condition to drive. He went outside to beg her not to drive drunk. She refused, so he grabbed his son out of the car (but not his step-daughter, Brittany), got in a cab and left.

Hey, Eduardo Henriquez! You are directly responsible for that girl’s death! The father of the victim said, “[Brittany] was blaming herself because it was her mother who was driving. She says she’s getting mean messages from other kids saying she should have been the one who died.”

I disagree. It should have been Carmen and she should have taken Eduardo with her.

Jacob Sullum (a senior editor at Reason, so you know he lacks it) has an op-ed on why hate crime legislation is stupid.

His “reasoning” is that the murderers of Matthew Shepard and James Byrd were convicted without hate-crime laws, so the system works just fine without them. Shephard is the gay man who was beaten to death for being gay (and whose murder was recently called a “hoax” by Rep. Virginia Foxx [R-NC]), Byrd is the man who was dragged behind a truck because he was Black.

Sullum explains how the hate-crime legislation means that someone might serve more time for screaming, “dirty kike” while beating someone with a baseball bat than for the actual assault.

I find it adorable whenever someone introduces the “slippery slope” argument (especially in a racial slur argument, for a number of reasons). “If the government can prosecute me for screaming ‘Die, niggers!’ while trying to stab as many Black people as I can, then what’s next? Adding time to my sentence for insulting someone’s religious beliefs?” Sure. What would be so bad about that?

This has nothing to do with Orwell; if America is founded on the idea that its citizens deserve religious freedom, then any time someone tries to rip a Muslim woman’s burka (burqua? burqa?) or steal a Jew’s yarmulke or throw a Koran in a toilet (see what I did there?), they should be prosecuted for religious persecution. Why are you defending the rights of the people who dragged James Byrd to a slow and painful death? Why do you care if people who live in towns where “beating up swishy fags” is acceptable will now be further penalized is by some miracle one of their victims lives to testify against them?

“First they came for the Jews and I did nothing…” is what many of you might be thinking. But that’s not what this is — it’s the opposite of that. People in this country continue to be attacked for the color of their skin and/or their sexual orientation. Every day it happens. Is it better than it was thirty years ago? Absolutely. Do we need to do more to curb these despicable assaults? Absolutely.

THIS happened recently in my city. That’s the police commissioner calling it a hate crime. Watch the video and explain to me why I should be concerned that these two scumbags might be penalized for hating homosexuals on top of what I hope are their life sentences.

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi nevertheless claims the federal hate-crime law upholds ‘the ideals of our Founding Fathers’ — who evidently were big on punishing people for their beliefs, retrying defendants after they’re acquitted and letting Congress make a federal case out of anything that attracts its attention.”

Were they big on punishing people for their beliefs? No. Were the two guys that beat Matthew Shepard to death punishing him for his? Yup. And wasn’t America founded on its citizens being allowed to pursue happiness? Why can’t gay Americans be free to pursue theirs?

I’ll say it again, homos. Call being gay a religion. Then people like Jacob will have to defend your right to be gay.

Moody’s has downgraded Lenox Hill Hospital’s credit outlook to “negative.”

It needs to merge with another institution — stat! — or it will flatline.

The PULSE section has a great way of telling whether or not a Hollywood celebrity (or Heather Mills) has had Botox on their face: Bunny lines!

If they get wrinkles or either side of their nose when they smile, then they’ve had botulism injected into their faces. Virginia Madsen! Kate Hudson! Nicole Kidman! Renee Zellweger! Sylvester Stallone! Mickey Rourke! Heather Mills! They all have bunny lines!

Though, with Rourke and Kidman, the bunny lines are hardly the most telling clues.

The Phillies and the Dodgers play Game 1 of the NLCS tomorrow night. Friday night is the start of the ALCS.

The thought of Joe Torre facing the Yankees in the World Series makes me smile.

Going through Abreu to get there is bittersweet, but he’s great to watch play.

Joel Sherman recommends that the Yanks keep their roster the same for the ALCS — with one exception. He says leave Eric Hinske off and replace him with Freddy Guzman. Since the Angels consistently beat us by stealing bases whenever they can (also known as “marbles in a bathtub”), maybe having another Brett Gardner (Guzman is fast) would help fight fire with fire? But I would also replace Damaso Marte with Brian Bruney. I think Bruney can do more for us on the mound.

Joe Girardi is seriously considering starting CC Sabathia in 3 (three) of the ALCS gaes (if necessary). He’ll start Game 1 as part of a proposed 3-man rotation (Burnett and Pettitte would join him). That leaves Chamberlain and Gaudin for the bullpen (with Coke, Hughes, Rivera, et al). The only possible wrench in the works for that plan? Friday night has a 40% chance of rain. If the game is cancelled, the 3-man rotation might not be possible.

Now can I vote for Vincent Morgan?

Is TLC canceling Jon & Kate Plus 8, which they just renamed Kate Plus 8? OMG! How will those monsters psychologically mutilate their children now?

Michael Starr can’t seem to figure out why Dancing With the Stars is losing viewers.

It’s because I continue to ask America to stop watching it. And America loves me. And I love America (but I’m not in love with America). And it’s because Michael Starr is thick.

The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty is scheduled to air on A & E in December. The cast includes Prince, Paris and Blanket Jackson. Janet Jackson is OK with this. Rebbie Jackson, who refused to appear on the show, objects to the kids being featured.

The grandmother, Katherine, who has custody of the three future drug casualties (they’ll get it from their father, whoever that may be), is on the side of the TV show.

E-he.

There were 2 NFL games scheduled for November 1st. Vikings-Packers at 1:00 p.m. and Giants-Eagles at 4:15 p.m.

The games will still happen, but the 1:00 game is now the 4:15 game and vice-versa.

Why? Because the last Vikings-Packers game gave ESPN 21,000,000 viewers. That’s the most viewers for any cable TV program ever.

How’s that make you feel, undefeated Giants?

Cougar Town: 9:30 p.m. on WABC 7. Jules inadvertently tells Grayson she finds him attractive, but when he doesn’t reciprocate, she does all she can to get him to admit she’s sexy.

I wouldn’t wish this program on anyone except Andrea Peyser. And Michael Goodwin. And Courtney Cox. And her functionally retarded husband.

Have a good day, kids!

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