Archive for October 15th, 2009

In Your Face, People Magazine!

15th October
2009
written by jed

After 18 years of captivity, Jaycee is smiling again

I guess there were a few Americans who weren’t sure if, having been rescued from the man who raped her for 18 years (and made her bear his children), Jaycee Dugard is smiling again. For them, the mystery has finally been solved. But what’s awesome is that the Post doesn’t have any photos of Jaycee Dugard smiling. You know who does? People Magazine.

That’s why the front page has a photo of Jaycee before she was kidnapped next to a cropped photo of the cover of People Magazine. And if you squint, you can see EXCL PH which is short for EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS. The article on page 9 features the People cover in its entirety, which hits stands tomorrow.

The Post describes Jaycee as “a strikingly beautiful 29-year-old” (anyone else find this to be in somewhat poor taste?) and excerpts the mega-exclusive People article. But, thanks to the Post, I won’t have to wait on line at Target to see her most recent photo! Hoorayz!

As goes the Tiffany Network, so goes the nation?

CBS Evening News correspondent Armen Keteyian is currently trying to dig up dirt on former 48 Hours producer Robert “Joe” Halderman (which is infuriating staffers at 48 Hours), Stephanie Birkitt (which is infuriating Stephanie’s parents) and David Letterman (a spokesman for Worldwide Pants said, “We have not been contacted by CBS News, but we would hope that any reporting on this matter focuses appropriately on the alleged felony extortion attempt on David Letterman.”).

Will this lead to a civil war between Letterman, 48 Hours and the CBS Evening News? Stay tuned!

If logic doesn’t work, try bribery!

The Socialist Kenyan Who Stole The White House For Acorn has asked Congress to fund a “mini-stimulus” (or as I like to call it, “chubs”) that would send $250.00 (tax free!) to almost 60,000,000 Americans — seniors, veterans and the disabled.

It’ll be fun to see Republicans try to shit on this idea without alienating their base (all Republicans are technically disabled).

Score one for the fat reverend!

Dave Checketts, chairman of the St. Louis Blues hockey club and leader of the group that is currently trying to buy the St.Louis Rams, has announced that “Rush Limbaugh’s participation had complicated the effort” — so  Rush is no longer a participant.

“This is about the ongoing effort by the left in this country, wherever you find them, in the media, the Democrat Party, or wherever, to destroy conservatism, to prevent the mainstreaming of anyone who is prominent as a conservative,” sputtered the fat racist.

That’s why the Black players said they’d refuse to play if you were an owner. Because they are fighting to prevent the mainstreaming of conservatism. Moron.

Last night was the final preview performance of the new revival of Bye Bye Birdie. A “set mishap” stopped the show for 20 minutes. John Stamos (who’s in the show) tried to get audience member Don Rickles to join him onstage and tell jokes.

“I’m too old for this,” Rickles yelled back. “I came here for a night, not a weekend.”

Luckily, Stamos’ old pal Bob Saget got up on stage and helped everyone ride out the delay.

Tonight is opening night. I can’t wait for Michael Riedel’s evisceration to follow.

Pepsi created an iPhone app which offered advice on how to pick up women all over the world by breaking them down into 24 stereotypes. Women all over the world were very offended. They Twatted nasty abbreviated thoughts for hours, demanding that the app be removed from the iTunes store.

But, in a perfect example of what’s wrong with the world, Pepsi responded… via Twitter.

“Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologize if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback.”

And speaking of bad taste, drink Pepsi!

There’s a photo of 5-year-old Bryan Schuler, the lone survivor in the somewhat recent Taconic Parkway accident (the one where his mother, Diane, was drunk and high and driving the wrong way).He’s wearing an eye patch (the article says its for head trauma; he still has sight in both eyes).

Driving drunk is a far too common occurrence in our society. What if we severely expanded so that if you are ever caught driving drunk, you absolutely have to go to prison for a year. No excuses, no parole. Do you think that would make people more, less or just as hesitant to drive drunk.

My guess is more (hesitant). In fact, I guarantee that drunk-driving accidents would decline. Not disappear, surely, but I read about people who hit (and sometimes kill!) people with their cars while driving drunk and they get probation, warnings, suspended (though never revoked) driver’s licenses. Would they have started their cars if there was a year of prison time dangling over their heads?

I feel the same way about hate-crime legislation. The opposition can wrap themselves in Orwellian blankets all they like, but I still don’t understand why I should give a shit if a guy who beats someone to death with a baseball bat might erroneously be convicted of a hate crime in addition to his plain old murder charges.

Alex Duncan, 32, was “doused with water, pummeled with bottles and sucker-punched” by Busta Rhymes and Rhymes’ bodyguard on September 13, 2003 at a rap concert at SUNY Albany.

Duncan sued Rhymes for $500,000. A Broklyn hearing officer just ordered Rhymes to pay Duncan $75,000.

Kicking Alex Duncan’s ass is surprisingly affordable!

Coca-Cola recently acknowledged that Americans need help “managing their intake” of their high fructose corn syrup-laden beverages. And they swore to help. And they have.

90-calorie “mini-cans” of their poison will be available in New York and Washington, D.C. this December. Now fat people can fool themselves into thinking they’re doing something healthy for themselves while still drinking the things that made them that way.

(waves miniature American flag)

Andrew Kelly, the officer who drove drunk and killed Vionique Valnord, has been indicted on charges of vehicular manslaughter, DWI and speeding.

I look forward to seeing who ultimately gets convicted of what (his fellow officers allegedly did some shady stuff for his protection).

Joe Francis claims that Brody Jenner has the “smallest penis I’ve ever seen.”

And you saw his penis… why?

According to Page Six (today on page 12), Mariah Carey’s pet name for her husband, Nick Cannon, is “DJ Sex Fingers.”

Really? He must have a smaller penis than Brody Jenner!

Andrea Peyser still has the David Letterman Countdown Clock (it’s 1,174 until the horndog’s contract expires!). Today, she complains that their is no real difference between Bloomberg and Thompson (maybe this will help: one is a White trillionaire who extended term limits against the wishes of his constituents, and the other wears glasses).

She also spends the bulk of her page rolling her eyes and wondering why anyone would want to hear about (let alone “hang out with”) Christie Brinkley and/or Peter Cook (“Crazy couple’s a kick, if they don’t kill each other“).

The irony, she is thick.

Captain Lou Albano has passed away. He was 76. He will be missed (which was almost impossible when he was alive).

The current production of Tosca at the Metropolitan Opera has already had its share of misfortune (the show and its director were booed on opening night). This won’t help: Star Paul Plishka has a 46-year-old son named Jeffrey who has just been charged with the murder of Laura Ronning in July 1991. DNA has connected him to Ronning’s murder; investigators claim that Plishka shot Ronning in the head and then raped her as she died. The death penalty is being sought.

Cindy Adams spends her entire column reminiscing about her friend, Imelda Marcos.

I’m hoping this is the calm before the aneurysm.

A bodyguard recently testified that Howard K. Stern used to inject Anna Nicole Smith with drugs.

Anybody even mildly surprised by this?

A teeny article about Susan Collins (“GOP pol softens on O’s health plan”) cites the other Republican who is siding with the Dems as “Olympia Snow.” Someone please teach Carl Campanile how to use Google.

Remember that poor lady who was left by her chef fiancee mere hours before their wedding and had to host (and pay for) the night-before party all by herself? Well, the fiancee (Todd English) now claims that the reason he walked was that Erica Wang hit him, leaving a gash above his eye that required seven stitches.

Now I’m torn: Who should I care less about?

Belgium hosted a Miss Homeless contest. The winner was given an apartment. For a year.

Congratulations, Belgium. You have out-Japanned America!

Linda Brown, 44, entered a Burlington Coat Factory in Columbus, Ohio and announced that she had just won the lottery and that everypne’s purchases were on her.

By the time police arrived, there were 500 people in the store and another 1,000 trying to get in.

Linda Brown didn’t win the lottery.

She was arrested on three outstanding warrants, but hasn’t been charged for the BCF riot (they’re waiting for the psychiatric evaluation to come back).

I say this is karma for the BCF ad campaign that left bags unattended all over New York.

One of today’s editorials is Paterson Steps Up, which praises the current governor for announcing a plan to close the budget gap. I’m assuming there will be an editorial tomorrow about what an irrelevant dimwit he is.

Poor Kenneth Zimmerman of Huntington Beach, California. He wrote in to the Post on behalf of Rush Limbaugh.

“I don’t know what all the fuss was about conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh owning a pro football team. Even if he had become an owner, he wouldn’t have been the majority owner, so he wouldn’t have run the team or made the decisions. People were getting excited and upset over nothing.”

Ken (may I call you Ken?), it isn’t that people were afraid that he would make the decisions. People didn’t want a racist to profit off of the work of the people he insulted. The players didn’t want to play in a league that would allow such a man to be — in any way –  an owner.

Besides, I think the only reason Rush became involved in the first place is that he was told that he would become “a minority owner” and that excited him.

Citigroup stock is now back at $5.00/share.

Wall Street icon Bruce Wasserstein, 61, was hospitalized a few days ago for an irregular heartbeat. The good news is that his heartbeat is no longer irregular.

The bad news is that he is dead.

R. Allen Stanford (who recently got into a jailhouse scuffle resulting in two black eyes and a broken nose) made his first appearance in court and repeatedly “wiped blood from his nose and spat into a cup.”

Criminal justice.

Remember when Sumner Redstone swore that he would stop selling his Viacom and CBS stocks?

He just sold ALL of his common stock in both entities.

And he doesn’t look a day over Paleolithic.

The New York Times has announced that they will not be selling The Boston Globe. They say it’s because the Globe has “significantly improved its financial performance.”

I say it’s because no one would pay anywhere near what they were asking (especially since the number of Bostonians who can read continues its fall into the low triple-digits).

Who cares what Billy Wagner says? Not his agent. He says that Wagner has “every intention of playing” in 2010.

Well, it won’t be for Boston, that’s for sure.

Pedro Martinez, who didn’t pitch in the NLDS because of rain, will pitch Game 2 of the NLCS.

Pedro pitching to Manny Ramirez? Who do I root against more?

Well, I want to see Torre come back to the Bronx for all the marbles, so consider me a Dodger fan for the next few days.

As a Dodger fan, let me ask Torre, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re starting Clayton Kershaw tonight? Are you insane? Lifetime, he’s 0-3 with a 6.45 ERA against the Phillies! This season alone he’s 0-2 with a 5.23 ERA!”

As for the Yankees, Girardi is starting Sabathia tomorrow, but still hasn’t decided who will pitch the following two games. It today’s weather is any indication, we may not have a game tomorrow.

Linda Stasi gives Season 4 of 30 Rock two and a half stars.

“‘Have I lost my roots?,’ [Tracy] cries. ‘I better talk to Rabbi Schmuley!’ Now that’s a hilarious line — but only if you happen to live and work right next door to 30 Rock and work in the media and get the reference to media hog Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, who was Michael Jackson’s guru. Talk about art imitating life!”

While I agree that the line is hilarious, I would say that a thuggish Black man — trying to regain an attachment to his roots — seeking counsel with a rabbi is funny by itself. But then, Linda warns that 30 Rock is in danger of becoming The Office, which she calls “a great show that went from funny to smart to smug.” She also reveals a plot point in tonight’s premiere and opines, “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling very jump the shark right now.” Which is the worst use of that hackneyed phrase I’ve seen in the years since people stopped using it entirely.

30 Rock has been the best sitcom on television for the last three seasons. I have faith that it will continue its reign, despite what Linda Stasi thinks (or doesn’t).

Poor Michael Starr.

Today, he had to write a piece about Brooks Brothers’ new $998 limited-edition “Mad Men Edition” suit, which is inspired by the AMC show that Rich Sommer steals whenever he appears (in my humble opinion).

He has to praise the suit and the show and at no point is he allowed to complain about how overhyped Mad Men is.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 is ending in mid-November. Kate Plus 8 will begin…. sometime later than that.

Even TLC’s press releases are tired of them!

Can I vote for Vincent Morgan yet?

Happy Thursday, peeps. The weekend (slowly) approaches!

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