Archive for October 17th, 2009

Blown opportunities #36 & 37:

We played 8 pitchers in a game over 5 hours long. The ending may not have had the magic of a walk-off home run, but at almost 2:00 in the morning, I’ll take what I can get.

Thanks, Yanks.

Best iPhone parody ad yet.

Sabathia pitched 8 innings of 4-hit, 1-run ball. Mariano followed with a reminder that he is the greatest closer of all time.

It’s starting to rain as I write this, but I’m hoping tonight’s game goes on as planned.

I want to spend today cozied up with m’lady, so let’s see how quickly I can read today’s paper.

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PIRATE! explains that Raj Rajaratnam (his photo’s on the front page) allegedly pulled off a $20,000,000 insider-trading scheme. Raj is a billionaire. With a b. This is like Bill Gates getting arrested for stealing gum from a bodega.

Also charged, Danielle Chiesi, 43, of the Upper East Side, who gathered insider information from Robert Moffat at IBM and used it for her company (New Castle Funds LLC). She also shared the insider tips with Raj. In August 2008, Danielle started worrying that she might get caught, and told people this. Over her phone. Which was being wiretapped by the feds.

Raj (who, on page 5, appears to have been arrested while dressed as Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight) founded Galleon (it’s a gigantic hedge fund), which was so profitable, they once commissioned Jesse James and Cleveland D (two rappers I have never heard of) to write a rap/theme song for the company (though the Post neglects to say when). Sample lyrics:

“If you know Galleon, everything is groovy because these guys are out of a movie… Raj and Chris, their stocks don’t miss, they could have co-starred in Analyze This.”

So that’s why I’ve never heard of Jesse James and Cleveland D!

Now Raj and the gang face up to 20 years in prison. So, I wrote a rap/theme song for them.

“There once was a hedge fund called Galleon, my wife likes some cream cheese with scallion. But I don’t feel bad for Raj and them — when I see their sad faces, IBM.”

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Uh-oh, Vince Morgan. I may not vote for you after all.

Adam Clayton Powell IV, who lost to Rangel in the 1994 primary, is considering another run. I’ve seen him speak over the years and he has always impressed me.

Decisions, decisions…

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Madonna is being accused of dancing to loudly in her Central Park West apartment — by her upstairs neighbor. A Manhattan Supreme Court lawsuit was filed yesterday. The building board claims that they’ve already threatened Madonna with eviction if she didn’t stop blasting music and pounding on the floor and adopting other people’s children and turning her arms into ropa vieja.

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Speaking of absurd lawsuits, TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract.

They say that he has failed to meet his obligations as “an exclusive employee of the network” because he appears on other networks’ shows — for money — and has made “unauthorized public disclosures about the show.”

This is on you, America. If you hadn’t made the Gosselins famous, then Jon wouldn’t have a gigantic ego covered in Ed Hardy logos and he wouldn’t have lashed out at his wife and/or the network that bought him a house. And TLC wouldn’t waste their time suing a nobody.

David Foster Wallace kills himself, but Jon and Kate are both still alive? There is no universal justice.

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Remember that Asian lady who whined to the Post that Todd English cancelled their wedding the day before it was happening? And then Todd responded that it was because she had a history of being abusive and gave him a gash on his face (before they were married? tramp!)?

Well, Todd has decided that her chat(s) with the Post caused damage to his reputation. He filed a domestic-violence complaint and Erica Wang has been arrested and charged with felony assault and criminal possession of a weapon.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, on a bed of wild mushroom risotto, in a reduction of veal and sage.

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William Melchert-Dinkel, 47, used to be a nurse. He likes to go to Internet suicide chat rooms and encourage people to kill themselves. He offers them advice (“Most important is the placement of the noose on the neck…”) and sometimes asks that they do it via webcam so he can watch.

Authorities recently discovered William’s penchant for manipulating the depressed and took away his nursing license. They also say that, since he didn’t physically help kill them (so cyber-bullying is a crime but goading people into killing themselves isn’t?).

“Nothing is going to come of it,” William told The Associated Press. “I’ve moved on with my life, and that’s it.”

Classy choice of words, Billy.

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Stepfanie Velez-Gentry, 29, mother of two from Bellmawr, New Jersey, is running for the GOP Assembly.

She hosts sex-toy parties where she sells dildos (and many scarier things, too) to the guests.

Maybe you should spend less time on the shaft and more time on your base?

(see what I did there?)

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Ah, to be a (White) celebrity in court.

Lindsay Lohan showed up an hour and a half late to her status hearing. She told the judge that, yeah, she hasn’t been going to her scheduled rehab appointments. So, the judge…

…extended her probation from three to four years, so that she can finish her rehab… eventually.

I shudder to think of what she will put in her body to celebrate… let alone who…

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Anybody notice who wasn’t singing God Bless America at last night’s Yankee game? Ronan Tynan has been doing it for years, and he would have done it last night (and tonight) if not for Dr. Gabrielle Gold-von Simson.

She and a real estate agent were looking at an apartment in Tynan’s building on Thursday when they bumped into the  Irish tenor. The agent joked, “Don’t worry — they are not Red Sox fans.” Tynan replied, “I don’t care about that, as long as they are not Jewish.”

Dr. Gold-von Simson incredulously asked, “Why is that?” to which Tynan answered that a lot of “scary” Jewish women had been looking at the apartment before.

Yesterday, the good doctor e-mailed the Yankees, describing the incident. They contacted Tynan shortly thereafter. He admitted that the accusations were true, according to a Yankees spokesperson. “He said it was a bad joke. So we told him that was absolutely intolerable behavior and he needed to apologize. He said he spoke to the woman and apologized.”

Even so, he didn’t sing last night and “there are no plans for him to sing” for the remainder of the postseason.

Tynan told WNBC/Channel 4, “A lot of my friends are Jewish. It’s something misfortunate. I was too stupid with my big mouth.”

I wish Tynan nothing but unfortune in the future.

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Oprah hosted the first Mike Tyson/Evander Holyfield face-off in over a decade. Tyson admitted that his initial apology to Holyfield years ago was “insincere.” But even then, he still didn’t apologize to Holyfield.

That Mike Tyson is all class.

(give or take a “cl”)

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Michael Brunner, 54, is a well-respected stage manager. Been in the business for decades. Currently, he’s managing the Lincoln Center production of South Pacific. One of the actresses in that show found an iPhone that was recording her as she disrobed in her dressing room, which she believes Brunner put there. Brunner has been arraigned.

We’ve got sunlight on the sands, we’ve got moonlight on the seas, we’ve got footage of an actress just in her bra and panties…

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Turns out Falcon Heene didn’t just throw up on NBC. Before that, he threw up on ABC (though he ran off-camera first).

Turns out the Heenes were on Wife Swap twice (and the barely-English-speaking matriarch is almost as obnoxious as her asshole husband).

Turns out the Heene boys made a music video called “Not Pussified” that I tried watching on YouTube. I refuse to embed it or even to provide a link. Bonus points for covering one of the kids in what looks like excrement and making him sit in the toilet to lip-synch a “Hidey-ho!” from Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo (of South Park fame).

Teresa will back me up on this: When Falcon said “you said we did this for a show” or “you said we did this for the show” I immediately said, “I guarantee you that the family was pitching a reality show and no one was biting, so the father dreamed up the perfect way to add buzz to the project and get the family on every newspaper and magazine in the country.”

Indeed, they were pitching a reality show. Indeed, prior to calling the police, Papa Heene called a local television station (though, to his credit, he called the FAA first). And Colorado police (who have always been the vanguard of competence, right, Ramsey Family?) still don’t think it was a hoax.

I’m calling it now: At least one member of the Heene Family will be on Dancing With The Stars by 2011.

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Page Six (today on page 10), like the paper that features it, hates Keith Olbermann. They say that he recently named Michelle Malkin “The Worst Person In The World” and quote Megan Carpentier (an AirAmerica.com blogger) who said of the comment, “By attacking Michelle Malkin’s politics with an assault on women of every political persuasion, and then idicating a desire to see her physically harmed, a person might understandably get the idea that Keith Olbermann only respects women if they agree with him.”

Naturally, I had to see this for myself. Good thing I did.

1) The O-Reilly “smear” montage at the beginning is hilarious.

2) Malkin is not the worst person in the world. She’s the runner-up (WORSER).

3) I can’t seem to find the part where he indicates a desire to see Malkin physically harmed. I’m sure he does (I certainly do), but I am unable to cite evidence (besides his soul).

4) My interpretation of the “she’d be a mashed-up bag of meat with lipstick on it” is another way of saying that she has no heart, no brain, no soul, and if you removed her hatred, all that would remain is muscle, tissue, blood and (since she dresses up in hot cheerleader outfits on her website and fancies herself a sex symbol despite being difficult to look at) lipstick. How come Sarah Palin can call herself a bulldog with lipstick, but Olbermann can’t say that (minus her hatred) Malkin (would hypothetically be) a bag of meat with lipstick?

5) I hate the Post (and Megan Carpentier).

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Amber Duick, you’re not very bright.

The story is too delicious to abridge, so here’s a link to the Privacy Digest article.

She signed a consent form to take part in the promotion! Her lawyer says that the agreement she signed online “didn’t say someone was going to be stalking my client.”

Amber, your lawyer’s not too bright, either.

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As soon as a judge removes the no-contact order of protection between Hiram Monserrate and Karla Giraldo, Hiram plans on proposing.

Isn’t that romantic?

B’also? Looks like he’s gonna lose his seat.

Next up: Espada.

Make it happen, Jeebus.

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Conan O’Brien has donated $100,000 to charity as a mea culpa for getting into the mock-feud with Newark Mayor Cory Booker. O’Brien had Booker on as a guest and asked him why Booker had singled him out for his Newark jokes when so many other comedians do the same thing. Booker’s response made me love him even more.

“When there’s a herd coming after you, you have to go after the weakest gazelle.”

BOOM.

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Four video stills on page 17 show a train station in Australia where: 1) a woman doesn’t notice her stroller (containing her 6-month-old son) rolling off the platform onto the tracks; 2) the woman reaches out, but too late; 3) a train arrives two seconds later; 4) the woman standing on the platform in shock, under the impression that her son has just been killed.

The boy suffered only a small cut on his forehead and is 100% fine. Had I read the headline first (TRAIN-HIT MIRACLE) or even the sub-head (Infant survives station run-over), the photos and captions might not have made me queasy. But I didn’t, and they did.

Happy Saturday, Jed!

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A former Goldman Sachs executive has been named COO of the SEC. OMG! LOL!

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Martha Stewart and Kmart are ending their partnership.

And that’s a good thing.

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The Phillies were this close to leading the Dodgers 2 games to none.

But an Utley error and a Happ walk in the eighth gave L.A. enough to win 2-1.

Each team has 1 in the win column. They next play in America’s Shame (Philadelphia) tomorrow night.

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It didn’t rain last night, despite the sports pages’ prediction.

Today, they say there’s a 90% chance of rain for tonight and tomorrow during the day.

I hope they continue their erroneous streak.

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Richard Hatch, the oft-naked chubby homosexual from Survivor’s first season, is now a free man (except where marriage is concerned).

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Time to relax and try to stop seeing that woman grabbing for her infant in Australia.

Stay dry, kids.