Archive for October 19th, 2009

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19th October
2009
written by jed

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Double Your Pleasure.

19th October
2009
written by jed

Great day with the Mrs. yesterday and a great solo evening on the horizon (Yankee Stadium will be opened this afternoon so that fans can watch Game 3 on the Jumbotron (and overpay for concessions). Teresa insisted that I go. So I will. But first, I owe you yesterday’s mega-paper as well as today’s.

So let’s get to it.

Before the re-open Sunday’s Post, I read in Entertainment Weekly that Shirley Dieu, 56, filed a lawsuit against Dr. Phil McGraw. She claims that when she appeared on the show in 2007, she was a victim of the bald adulterer and is accusing him of “false imprisonment, practicing without a license, brainwashing, battery and fraud.” She says that she was “held captive and deprived of food and sleep.”

C’mon, Dieu. Really?

The headline LUCKY 13! features a full=page photo of A-Rod at the plate, watching his game-tying ninth-inning solo shot that forced the game into overtime. Rain is falling around him, the “13″ on his batting glove is perfectly framed next to his uniform’s Yankee logo… in fact, it’s such a pretty photo that the Post put the exact same one (well, maybe 3 seconds passed between the two photos) on the back page.

Must be a slow news day.

Kesha Nichols, the lady who was dumped at the altar by her celebrity fiancee but isn’t Asian or under arrest, wants closure. So she’s giving away her wedding dress (valued at $10,000) to the winner of a 150-word essay contest. If you can explain why you deserve the dress (and are built like a woman who a professional basketball player would get engaged to), you might could win it.

Good luck, supermodels!

“We were looking at Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances. We are talking to the district attorney [and] federal officials to see if perhaps there aren’t additional federal charges that are appropriate in this circumstance.”

That’s Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden on the Heene Family. When asked about the impending charges, Papa Dick said, “Never heard of that.”

Also on the list of things he “never heard of”: shame, decency, honesty, and wives that speak English.

Robert Thomas, a researcher who is well-acquainted with Dick Heene, claims that the terrible father was “desperate to get back on TV as his construction business was going down the tubes.” In the hopes of promoting the “Mythbusters meets mad scientist” TV show he was pitching, Dick talked to Thomas about pulling a “media stunt” involving a weather balloon.

“How much do you want to bet we could facilitate some sort of media stunt that would be equally profound as Roswell and we could do so with nothing more than a weather balloon and some controversy? The result would be a dramatic increase in local and national awaremess about the Heene Family, our Reality Series as well as the UFO Phenomenon in general,” Thomas quoted Heene’s proposal as saying.

The only way to make an attention whore suffer is to stop paying attention to him.

Roman Polanski is sick.

Well, duh.

B’also, his lawyer says Roman is “depressed and tired, and expressed concern about a medical condition.”

Boo. Hoo.

At least six (6) students at Dalton are currently taking the designer drug Humatrope. It’s known as “Miracle-Gro for kids.”

One of them is Jeffrey Stern. When Jeff was 11, he was 4-foot-1, so his mother took him to an endocrinologist who put him on human growth hormone. Jeff is now 5-foot-7 (and 16 years old).

But his mother thinks he should be even taller (she says he is “owed” a height between 5-foot-8 and 5-foot-10. So he’s now on Humatrope.

Eli Lilly, the company that makes Humatrope, made $440,000,000 off the drug. In 2007. Which was a 6% increase over 2006.

Jeffrey was also prescribed a drug to delay puberty (Lupron) so that his bones wouldn’t age and harden, thus allowing the Humatrope to help him grow.

From 5-foot-7 to 5-foot-8/9/10.

Margot Stern, Jefrey’s mother, should be ashamed of herself.

Hiram Monserrate! You owe $150,000 in legal fees! You have $90,000 in your war chest for next year’s election! Your appeal of your recent sentence will cost you another $50,000!

To paraphrase Deano, “Ain’t that a glass to the head?”

Page 9 (today on page 9) has a photo of Rihanna shooting a new music video. She ’s wearing an eye patch and grabbing her vagina.

Great job!

Reprinted in its entirety: Michael Goodwin’s HEALTH CARE IS ‘DEVIL’S’ WORK.

“In our polarized nation, it’s often hard to make sense of competing ideas. Take health care. The proposed overhaul would sweep aside much of the system we know and create a new one. Would it be better or worse? Ambrose Bierce has the answer. A Union officer in the Civil War and then a biting satirist, Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary, published in 1911, reduces politics to the essence of human nature. To Bierce, a conservative ‘is a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.’ That says it all.”

That says it all? In addition to your flippant inaccuracies, you think that something said 100 years ago best reflects current politics? That conservatism and liberalism haven’t changed that much in the last century?

Mikey also has a piece called Washington weak as the world turns on America which begins “The score last week was distressing. America got its butt kicked all over the globe.”

And ends with me rolling my eyes and wondering why I do this to myself (let alone you nice people).

Hey New Yorkers! Where do your tax dollars go?

Pension and fringe benefits for city employees get 22.6%. That’s $13,600,000,000.

Education gets 23.4%. That’s $14,000,000,000.

We should totally re-elect Bloomberg.

Lindsay Lohan thought that the giant perfume-bottle-shaped cake at Victoria’s Secret was an actual perfume bottle, so she leaned against it, putting a giant hole in the center of it. Then she giggled.

Her parents must be so proud.

Woody Allen will be filming his next movie in Rio de Janeiro. Allen is said to be “fascinated” by supermodel Adriana Lima and is trying to convince her to star.

I’m going to guess that the new movie is about an old Jew and the young Brazilian supermodel who falls in love with him.

The surprise guests at the midnight MySpace Secret Stand-Up Shows during the New York Comedy Festival?

Tom Green and Rob Schneider.

What’s the opposite of “pleasant surprise”?

Cindy Adams is in her death-throes.

“Once upon a time — in the days a hair appointment did not mean a Brazilian bikini wax — our moms would cut chickens, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife, but nobody got food poisoning. Back in BC — when the air was clean and the sex was dirty — Grandma would defrost hamburger meat on the counter and you’d sometimes nibble it raw, but who ever heard of E. coli? Or e-mail or eBay or e-file or e-tickets. Except for Old MacDonald’s ‘ee-i-ee-i-oh,’ that was about it for e’s.”

Her fond reminiscences go on to include: “And we all ate in halls filled with lead-based paint, asbestos or the deadly by-product of some fossil-based fuel. As I recall, the only fossils we feared in those days were the teachers” (how sad when we become the things we fear, eh, Cindy?) and “And we all said our prayers, pledged allegiance…” and “And the boys did not wear earrings. And you could tell the hes from the shes.”

And it goes on like this for the entire half-page. The final paragraph begins, “We can zoom to the moon but can’t get through Route 27 to the Hamptons.” and ends with, “And it seems we can even have foreverness but not without… Andy Rooney … or Jon Gosselin … or Kim Kardashian … or Simon Cowell …”

I get the last three, but Andy Rooney? Cindy, are you poking fun at the fact that he should have stopped doing his pseudo-journalism a decade ago? And you can’t/won’t see the irony of that, black pot?

The box. Get inside.

Shepard Fairey admitted in court that he did, in fact, lie about which AP photo he used for the HOPE poster of Obama and that “in an attempt to conceal my mistake, I submitted false images and deleted other images” but that his actions shouldn’t be considered “premeditated or sinister.”

His attorneys have announced their intention to resign from the case, as their client deliberately misled them.

But not, you know, in a premeditated or sinister way.

The gigantic editorial about Bloomberg’s first two terms (and whether he deserves a third one) is written by… the Post’s food critic Steve Cuozzo. Was Kyle Smith off today?

Nope. There he is! His editorial is about how Obama has crossed a line by appearing on Monday Night Football (“his propaganda has seeped into everything — even football”).

Smith complains that sports is not a place for politics. That “sports are supposed to be insulated from such intrusions of reality.”

Hey, Kyle?

My favorite part of Kyle’s latest attack on Obama is “‘We’re all in this together’? No, we aren’t. Mostly, we’re competing with each other. If your company goes out of business, maybe my company can pick up your assets cheap and add your customers. Your foreclosure? My new house.”

I just realized that I have no idea what Gene Siskel’s politics or beliefs were. Or Roger Ebert’s. Or Peter Travers’ (though if he works at Rolling Stone, he must be a liberal hippie). Michael Medved, yes, but he’s also a terrible film critic. But just about every great film critic is, to my mind, apolitical.

Seeing a film critic take delight in the misfortunes of tens of thousands of his fellow countrymen is sad. Whatever your political affiliation, “Your foreclosure? My new house.” should seem a bit glib (at the very least).

The Post quotes Falcom Heene as saying, “‘We did this for a show.’” in giant bolded text on the top of the page and as “‘did it for the show’” in an article below it.

Great job!

“I’ve been a New York Times reader all my life and, frankly, I am bit [sic] smug about it. But I love The Post. I may not always agree with your politics, but I respect your right to your opinion [sic]. Most of all, The Times magazine could take a big page out of your Page Six magazine. Your magazine is everything their magazine isn’t: fun, interesting, creative, sexy, easy-to-read and not weighed down with its own self-importance. I fall asleep just looking at the Times cover. Keep it up! — Kiki Borg, East Hampton”

The first [sic] is for the missing word before “bit” (“a”); the second [sic] is for implying that there is more than one opinion at the New York Post. B’also? I love that the letter starts with this woman stating (frankly!) that she is smug about her life-long patronage of the Times, and ends with her praising Page Six for being easy to read.

That her last name is “Borg” makes me wonder (hopefully) if a Star Trek fan is having a laugh at the Post’s expense…

Kyle Smith also has two long book reviews. He loved both books. He really liked the part in the first book that sticks it to Al Gore, and the second book is about generals in th’army.

I can’t wait to see what he thinks about Transformers 3: Neeeee-yerrrrrrr-KABOOM!.

Here’s a recession-proof multi-billion dollar industry that I bet you never considered being all that profitable: tattoo removal.

DAVID VS. GOLIATH: XMAS EDITION pits Bob Dylan’s new Christmas Album up against American Idol runner-up David Archuleta’s. Verdict: They’re both terrible.

Page 61 has the result of last week’s MEET MARKET date. Juan said, “There were no awkward silences”
 while Anne said, “At certain points throughout the dinner it got kind of quiet.”

One of these single people is a liar.

Fun fact: This is the first time that Bobby Abreu is playing in a League Championship Series. Not once before in his 13-year career has he gotten the chance.

Fun fact: It will be at least another year before he plays in a World Series.

On page 101: “If the Yankees have to make up last night’s game tonight, Andy Pettitte won’t be in the Bronx to see it. Instead, he will be in Anaheim…”

Good thing I’m reading the LATE CITY FINAL edition!

I thought I was reading a Peyserless paper, but no.

In Make the pitiful ‘cougar’ extinct in the TV pullout, she writes (without even a hint of irony), “The day some pervert invented the term ‘cougar’ marked the day great-looking MILFs began chucking the Cosmos, donning flannel nighties, and ordering Chinese. And I don’t mean the delivery guy.”

“It wasn’t so long ago that women wouldn’t dare step into bars alone for fear of being branded whores. Now, they won’t dare step in bars alone for fear of being branded predators. Until this is over, I’m staying home.”

Which is the only reason I am rooting for Cougar Town to get renewed.

Heeeeeeeeeeere’s MONDAY!

The Giants got demolished by the Saints yesterday (48-27), but the real front-page bombshell is Bill Thompson’s attempt “to keep corrupt drug pol out of jail” by writing a letter to the sentencing judge.

In 1982. And the Brooklyn congressman on whose behalf Thompson wrote the letter was, at the time, Thompson’s employer.

Most damaging revelation in the letter: Thompson spelled notoriety “noteriety.”

Fred Richmond (at the time one of the richest men in Congress) was initially arrested for soliciting sex from a 16-year-old boy. He agreed to counseling, the charges were dropped and Fred was re-elected. More charges followed (though none sexual) and Fred got a year and a day (though while awaiting sentencing someone killed himself in Fred’s apartment). Fred served six months.

Surely Thompson’s long-ago gesture on Fred’s behalf still resonates in Fred’s heart, right?

“[Thompson's] not worthy of being mayor. Between his father and me, he’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter,” said Richmond, now 85. He also referred to Bloomberg as a “walking genius.”

Enjoy term #3, Mike.

State Democratic Party Chairman Jay Jacobs is demanding Hiram Monserrate’s resignation.

“The court had its opinion, but we all know what this was, and, frankly, it doesn’t represent the Democratic Party, and I think the best thing he can do for everyone is resign.”

I agree, Jay. Now go after Espada. And Rangel.

The Fattle Royale is ‘pon us!

Al Sharpton helped get Rush Limbaugh booted from the group of investors looking into buying the St. Louis Rams. Limbaugh responded with an op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal saying Sharpton “played a leading role in the 1991 Crown Heights riot … and 1995 Freddie’s Fashion Mart riot.”

Sharpton demanded an apology or else he’ll sue for defamation.Yankel Rosenbaum’s brother Norman has already volunteered to represent Rush if it goes to trial.

Stay tuned.

Poor LAAoA.

After losing Game 2, the Angels’ charter flight back to California was delayed due to a truck fire on the tarmac at La Guardia.

So, even though they arrived later, the Yankees got to leave first.

Four hours until Game 3.

Mr. and Mrs. Heene face up to six years in prison and a $500,000 fine. Cops say that at least one “media outlet” may have conspired with Heene before the incident.

When spotted at a Wal-Mart  yesterday, Dick sobbed, “This thing has become so convoluted!”

Can you believe Dick Heene never went to college?

Kelly Bensimon (who used to be an employee of Page Six [today on page 10]) waved goodbye as she left the 100 Hottest Eligible Bachelors party and “accidentally” revealed that she wasn’t wearing any undergarments.

This seems like the kind of staged “accident” that helps z-list celebrities get mentioned on Page Six.

Oh, right. Touche.

Paris Hilton has been hired to pla herself in the new Will Ferrell movie, The Other Guys. In exchange for agreeing to be paid what many Americans make in a year for a single day’s work, Hilton sent the producers a rider that demands she be provided with a bottle of Grey Goose and live lobsters that are to be prepared for her whenever she decides to eat.

That better be a remarkably funny cameo.

Where the Wild Things Are is the #1 movie in the country. Thank you.

Law & Order is shooting an episode about a woman who drives the wrong way (drunk) and gets into a brutal accident. People are starting to complain.

I hope this isn’t what Rich is town taping. He doesn’t deserve a boycott.

Despite The Storm.

Someone paid $15,000 for a clump of Elvis Presley’s hair.

Nice.

Now, I’m not implying anything here, I’m just relating the chain of events. Draw your own conclusions.

Bianca Wisniewski decided to sue her employer, Total Safety Consulting, and JPMorgan Chase for sexual harassment. She claimed that the elevator operator at JPMC’s headquarters (where she worked) constantly came on to her. She complained and was fired.

She was due in court today for a hearing in her case, but won’t be able to attend. A massive fire destroyed her apartment yesterday morning, killing her and putting her 16-year-old daughter in critical condition.

Her smoke detector had been removed and placed on her kitchen table.

One could argue (not me, but one) that when you are told to fuggedaboudit, you prolly should (if you’re interested in total safety).

The entire police force of Budaors, Hungary simultaneously quit.

They played the lottery together and hit the $16,000,000 jackpot.

(buys ticket to Badours with the intention of robbing all 15 of them without fear of police interference)

Jose Couselo of Cathedral City, California writes in to say, “Monserrate’s verdict proves that the Democrats are an embarrassment to us all. I am sick and tired of reading about Democrats’ getting away with breaking the law without being punished. Anyone else would land in jail before they could plead ‘not guilty.’ I was under the impression that the laws are to be applied evenly to all.”

I’m assuming that, if there were a Republican Party to attack, Jose would have criticized them, too.

The Phillies beat the Dodgers 11-0, giving them a 2-1 lead in the best-of-7 NLCS.

I’m thinking maybe Torre isn’t coming back to the Bronx this month.

Sabathia will start in Game 4 tomorrow night.

Which may be the last game of the ALCS. We’ll see what happens in… less than three hours!

I better do some chores before I hop on the train to Da Bronx!

Stay warm, kids!

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