Archive for October 20th, 2009

Headache + Late Start = Speed Round!

20th October
2009
written by jed

I chaperoned Teresa to a doctor’s appointment this morning. Her new doctor is great (though the bar was set reeeeeeeeal low by her predecessors), but a shitty transit system turned a 5-minute train-ride home into a 25-minute trial of patience and sanity (they were both acquitted).

But rather than spend the next few hours doing what I normally do, I’m going to try and speed through the Post, as my macaroni and cheese mixed with Jed’s Caribbean Tuna Steaks (now with lime juice!) cook in the radiation box.

High school students who fail a class will now have the option of making up the credits online. Of course, the online do-over will “need to be supervised by a teacher specializing in the particular subject,” which must thrill the teachers of stupid children.

Stewart David Nozette, 52, of Chevy Chase, Maryland, is one of the scientists who helped discover water on the moon.

He was arrested yesterday for passing classified information to an Israeli intelligence officer (actually, he was an undercover FBI agent).

Thank God the FBI prevented this man from telling Israel how to look for water on the moon.

Great news: Dr. Michael Kamrava, the asshole who gave fertility treatments to Nadya Suleman (“Octomom”), has been expelled from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.

Bad news: He hasn’t lost his license, as ASRM is a non-profit that has no authority where that is concerned.

Horrible news: The group(s) that has the authority to revoke this guy’s license still hasn’t.

Hold my calls… against me!

Ali Wise, the former publicity director for Dolce & Gabbana, liked to use a “SpoofCard” to listen to (and occasionally delete) the voicemails of people her ex-boyfriend was dating.

She’s being charged with four counts (each!) of computer trespass, eavesdropping, computer tampering and aggravated harassment — and one count of stalking.

That’s hot.

Salvatore “Sammy Bull” Gravano helped put John Gotti in jail for the rest of his life.

John Gotti, Jr.’s attorneys are now talking to Gravano in the hopes that he’ll testify on their client’s behalf.

Don’t do it, Salvatore! It’s a trap! As soon as you come out of hiding, they’ll kill you!

In other Gotti trial news, one of the jurors has been released because he’s a hedge-fund manager and he insisted that he was losing lots of money while serving on the jury.

As if that wasn’t absurd enough, the rest of the jury is starting to protest… their meals.

“The food and menus here are the same, and the jurors are getting tired of it…” one juror who isn’t a hedge-fund manager (or smart enough to get out of jury duty) said.

A cat got stuck in the engine of a car on Arthur Avenue yesterday.

I know what you’re thinking, and I have an iron-clad alibi.

Did you know that NYC was suing Exxon Mobil? In all, 23 companies were named in a lawsuit filed by the city in 2003. 22 of those companies settled before the trial started. Exxon decided to go to court.

Basically, Exxon Mobil was warned (by its own scientists!) that MTBE (which the EPA calls a “potential carcinogen”) shouldn’t be used in neighborhoods that use groundwater as their drinking water. Neighborhoods like the ones in Queens whose drinking wells were all contaminated.

They have been found guilty and ordered to pay NYC $150,000,000. They plan to appeal.

To scumbags.

Why is everyone clamoring for the MTA to abandon MetroCards in favor of the untested SmartCards that will force people to guve the MTA access to their bank and/or credit card accounts?

I haven’t heard anyone point out what a colossal waste of time and energy this is.

Howzabout you fix the trains first and then you can change the way we pay for them?

Jerks.

Still have faith in the American justice system?

Read this.

Yeah.

Salman Rushdie still loves Padma Lakshmi.

Adrian Grenier shops at the Park Slope Food Co-op (though they call it the “Food Coop”).

John Mayer had a birthday party at 1Oak and Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff both attended.

Thanks, Page Six (today on page 10)!

Bill Maher said, “I tell you what, Birthers, I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.”

Or proof that Glenn Beck didn’t rape and kill a girl in 1990.

Anthony Oddone, 26, has a great story to tell his future cellmate.

He was dancing on a table at the Publick House bar in August of 2008. The bouncer asked him to stop.

So Anthony put the bouncer in a headlock… and snapped his neck.

Anthony now faces a second-degree murder rap (and an invitation to join next season’s Dancing With The Stars).

Dick Heene has a criminal record, the cops have gone to his house twice for domestic disturbances, and he now faces up to $2,000,000 in FAA fines.

But his attorney has asked law enforcement to let him give himself up instead of arresting him. “Do not do the perp walk for media consumption … That’s traumatic for kids.” And traumatizing his children is Dick’s job alone.

Rudy 9iu11ani stumped for Bloomberg in Borough Park, telling the predominantly Hasidic Jew audience that if they didn’t vote for the incumbent, the city might go back “to the way it was before 1993 — and you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

That Rudy. All class. And lisp.


Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss USA Pageant. The Miss USA Pageant is countersuing her for the $5,200 they paid for her boob job.


How is it legal for a beauty pageant to give boob jobs to its contestants BEFORE the competition?

Are any Republicans named Joe ACTUALLY named Joe?

Congressman Joseph Cao (R-New Orleans) is actually named Anh Cao.

But what self-respecting Republican would vote for a guy named Anh?

Jamieson’s wanted to show Australian consumers that their Raspberry Ale was “anything but sweet.”

So they created “Ho White.”

Guess who’s getting sued by Disney.

Michael Sara of Matawan, New Jersey writes in to bray, “We are being led by left-wing incompetent radicals who do not like our system of government, and they’re taking it apart, piece by piece.” Not to be out-stupided, Peter W. Kelly of Hazlet, New Jersey, chickenscratches, “As each day passes, our president and his White House advisers increasingly look like foreign-policy novices.”

In a related story, Rep. Gregg Harper (R-MS) was asked what the Congressional Sportsmen’s Caucus does. His response: “We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition.”

In a related story, two South Carolina Republican chairmen defended Sen. Jim DeMint’s lack of fundraising for South Carolina by explaining that he was looking after the nation’s pennies — like a Jew would. “There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.”

In a related story, Glenn Beck compared Fox News to the Jews during the Holocaust.

In a related story, Rich Lowry calls George W. Bush a “handy foil for his graceless, self-absorbed successor.”

From Tracy Morgan’s new book, I Am The New Black, “Chaka Khan tried to tongue-kiss me. I’m serious — Chaka just leaned in and went for it, and her breath smelled like Bacardi and franks.”


Did you know that John Stossel struggles with stuttering?


And competent journalism?

The trip to Yankee Stadium yesterday was awesome. Great seats, a vibrant crowd of Yankee fans, and I got on the Jumbotron (albeit briefly). I left when it was a tie score (3-3). I got home and Mariano had a man on 1st and 3rd and no outs.

Somehow, the Yankees survived that fiasco, only to lose after Girardi yanked Robertson for Aceves.

So we’re up 2-1 with Game 4 tonight at 8.

Let’s go, Yanks.

StubHub sent out an e-mail yesterday inviting fans to get playoff tickets to see “your New York Mets as they chase baseball immortality.”

The Mets finished the season 70-92 and are not in the playoffs.

Great job!

(to StubHub and the Mets)

To promote their remake of the beloved TV mini-series V, ABC has hired skywriters to place giant red V’s in the sky on Sunday and on Halloween. Before you grouse that this is a terrible idea, Oxygen did the same thing to promote Season 3 of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (although they didn’t use V’s, they ad the planes write “Tori & Dean.”

OK, now you can start grousing.

Congratulations to NBC.

A judge has ruled that Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) can compete in The Celebrity Apprentice 3: The Bottom of the Bottom of the Barrel.

I’m sure that will be infinitely more fun to watch than Southland.

Jerks.

Headache is still prominent. Time for ibuprofen and water.

See you bright and early tomorrow.

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