Archive for October 21st, 2009

Busy As A Bee, I Am.

21st October
2009
written by jed

What a game. The Yankees won 10-1, sure, but the real story is how astonishingly incompetent the officiating was. An umpire’s job is really not that hard. And yet… throughout the playoffs there have been jaw-droppingly bad calls (Mauer’s ball was fair, Swisher didn’t leave early, Posada and Cano were both out at third, etc.). I know that Instant Replay in MLB would expand playoff games to 8 or 9 hour affairs, but at this point, I see no other option. Besides hiring younger umps with perfect vision.

But there’ll be plenty of time for sports later. Let’s get to the “real” “news” first.

Poor Steve Phillips of ESPN. He had an affair (which the Post describes as steamy) with a production aide (Brooke Hundley). When he eventually dumped her, Brooke left a letter for Mrs. Steve Phillips. The letter is heartfelt and is far calmer than I had imagined (the only really sordid excerpt is “…and to top it off, Steve has a big birthmark on his crotch right above his penis and one on his left inner thigh, so you know I’m not being fake.”).

You may remember Steve Phillips as the GM of the New York Mets (1997-2003) who left his job in 1988 to “deal with the allegation” of sexual harassment, then returned to the team and settled the suit against him for a sizeable chunk of change (he also admitted to numerous other affairs, much to his wife and FOUR KIDS’ delight).

Two months ago, Steve deeded his giant Connecticut home to his wife. Now, she wants a divorce.

Poor Steve Phillips.

Attorney Joseph “Taco Penis” Tacopina is confident that his client, Hiram Monserrate, “is not going to be removed” from his seat in the state Senate.

Let’s hope he’s wrong.

Whycome the MTA has such fucked up budgets? Because they keep three sets of books! Three contradictory, don’t-add-up-on-their-own-let-alone-against-each-other books!

“Three sets of reports each provide partial information. And one set often contains contradictory information from the agency and its consultants,” claims a new report from the Citizens Budget Commission.

That’s why the Fulton Street Hub that the MTA has been working on will come in at around 90% more than the original budget.

And people are actually encouraging these idiots to completely change the MetroCard system into Smart Cards?

I sincerely doubt that they’re using the definition of “smart” that you assume they’re using.

According to newly filed court papers, Bernie Madoff “sleeps in the lower bunk and he eats pizza cooked by an inmate convicted of child molestation.”

1) That fucker gets pizza?

2) They couldn’t find him a cellmate doing time for molesting old men?

3) Child molesters make phenomenal pizza (the dough is always perfectly kneaded).

The papers also say that, for years, Bernie did a lot of cocaine. Which he bought with his clients’ money.

He hasn’t been shanked yet… why?

I’m not saying that it’s difficult to tell who’s who in the page 3 photo of Lindsay Lohan and Donatella Versace. I’m just saying that it’s more difficult than it should be.

Here’s another reason 9iu11ani won’t be running for governor: Bernard Kerikjust had his bail revoked and is spending some time in the pokey. He has been accused of leaking sensitive court documents to a lawyer who then leaked them to a newspaper and a number of blogs.

“I have a serious concern and believe there is probable cause to believe that Mr. Kerik, given his own devices, will deliberately obstruct justice in this matter. My fear, however, is that he has a toxic combination of self-minded focus and arrogance. And I fear that that confidence leads him to believe that the ends justify the means, that the rules that apply to all don’t necessarily apply to him in the same way,” proclaimed US District Judge Stephen Robinson.

He gets that from Rudy.

The New Jersey Nets are now renting out some of its players in the hopes that it will help sell tickets. For $25,000, you can get 4 courtside seats to 10 games, food and drinks and a one-hour house call from a Net (he “will spend an hour shaking hands, signing autographs and taking pictures”).

“Your Ticket to a Player” (as the team is referring to the promotion) might seem desperate, but it pales in comparison to their “Match-Up” promotion, which offered fans a reversible jersey featuring their favorite Net on one side and an opponent on the other.

Which is still not as bad as the “Free Reading Material” promotion that promised fans “something interesting to look at while the Nets play basketball.”

72% of voters want to vote for someone other than Paterson. Statewide, his “favorable impression” numbers slipped down to 27%.

Good thing he’s blind!

In other Blame Obama news, the Post claims that Bill Thompson is furious that Obama didn’t speak highly enough about him at last night’s rally in Manhattan.

Thompson’s spokesman’s reaction: “That is a complete mischaracterization of what took place. He was very happy with the president’s words and the president’s speech.”

“And,” he later added, “the president’s talk-noise and the president’s choice of nouns.”

Michael Goodwin implies that Nadya “Octomom” Suleman is trying to get a date with Jon “Douchebag” Gosselin.

He also asks that, after Monserrate, Sens. Schumer and Gillibrand go after Rangel.

I’d still prefer Espada, but will settle for Raspy-C (Rangel’s rap name).

Guy finds spot near South Street Seaport. Guy tries to pull in. Man stands in front of car and declares it belongs to someone on their way. Guy in car demands the other guy move so that he can park his car, which is actually there. Other guy doesn’t move. Guy in car drives into him. Other guy falls down, gets up, starts complaining. Guy in car hits him again, harder, driving over his foot.

Other guy is now suing for $5,000,000.

And now I know what I’m doing later today.

(puts on especially thick boots)

Add to the list of adjectives used to describe Glenn Beck “coward.”

Guess who now travels with an armed guard. Go on, guess.

He went to see Memphis last night on Broadway and was accompanied everywhere (even the men’s room!) by a gun-toting hulk. Then, once he was safe in his limo and sure that no one could hold him accountable for what he blubbered on the TV box, he Twatted about the show, “Amazing cast & music. 2 songs abt Hope & Change. rlly? Only 2?”

Stupid Mormon.

According to Page Six (today on page 14), Salman Rushdie is angry at his ex (Pia Glenn) for telling the Post that he still holds a candle for Padma Lakshmi. Said Salman, “The reason I broke up with Pia Glenn is that I came to feel that she’s an unstable person who carries around a large, radioactive bucket of stress wherever she goes. It was just exhausting to deal with.”

And that’s coming from a guy who was fatwa’d!

Great photo of Ben Affleck reading The Post. His furrowed brow and biting of his lower lip make it seem like he’s experiencing some difficulty.

The Swiss have denied Roman Polanski bail. They say that he presents a flight risk.

Well, duh.

I predict that his most recent film, The Ghost, won’t be released until Roman is one.

Cindy Adams asks, “If your foot falls asleep during the day, does that mean it will be up all night?” and I reply, “Get in the box.”

How many teenagers have to be arrested for planning “a Columbine-like attack” on their high school before the next person planning one gets careful? Someone (15, name withheld) was just arrested for planning an attack on Monroe-Woodbury High School in Orange County next April 20th. He had stockpiled gasoline, propane, a machete and some fuses.

Let’s hope the police continue to luck out like this forever.

Two Manhattan lawyers are putting up $1,000,000 in cash so that the guy who choked  bouncer to death can be free on bail. And the defendant will stay at a posh place in the Hamptons while under “house arrest.”

The bouncer’s widow must be thrilled.

Dick Heene’s mail-order wife just lawyered up! She now says she was a “slave” who was consistently abused by her husband.

I wonder what she’ll wear on Oprah…

That guy who was arrested for attempting to share classified info with Israel? He worked on Reagan’s magical space shield (SDI).

Again, thank God the FBI caught him before he had a chance to teach other nations how to waste ungodly sums of money on absolutely nothing.

Alonzo Monk, 51, former aide to Rod Bluh-GIY-uh-vitch (nice lady), had pleaded guilty to corruption charges. He will now cooperate with the feds and guarantee that Rod gets prosecuted.

Again, congratulations to NBC.

The guy who designed those hard-to-look-at Steve Madden ads with the deformed women on them, is now suing Bratz (the company that makes the dolls of deformed girls that are hard to look at).

Winner take all the blame!

Cleveland Locks!

The International Women’s Air and Space Museum in the punchine metropolis has had a lock of Amelia Earhart’s hair on display for over 20 years. It was just tested.

It’s thread.

The museum claims they got the “hair” from the Smithsonian, who bought it from “a man in Pennsylvania.”

This will probably not help improve Cleveland’s tourism trade.

Ukachi Uwadinobi of the Bronx writes in to insult Dick Heene and the media for covering him. “Like The Post’s Cindy Adams would say, ‘Only in America.’”

Well… that is like what Cindy Adams says… but it’s exactly what Don King says.

Michelle Malkin joins Glenn Beck in disingenuous outrage at Hollywood’s decision to encourage viewers to volunteer. How dare they! “Creeped out? You should be.”

Oh, but I am, Dohertyface! I’m creeped out by people who have a vested interest in being contrarians, regardless of whether or not their argument is legitimate.

Poor The Mets.

Turns out the “Mets Limited Partnership” got more money from Bernie Madoff than they invested.

Guess who might have to turn that money over to the feds for redistribution (thanks to our socialist POTUS, no doubt).

Shrek: The Broadway Musical For Some Reason is losing money? Almost $300,000 a week? And it might close soon?

I told them they didn’t have enough songs about ogre farts!

The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles will play tonight in what might be their last game. Do or die, Torre.

When asked if he saw Jimmy Rollins turn the tide of Game 4, giving the Phillies a 3-1 series lead, Manny said no — he was showering.

“You know how it is. I got out of the game [for defensive purposes in the ninth inning], so I wanted to take a shower.”

I’m starting to think Torre is leaning towards “die.”

Mariano Rivera is a class act. To imply that the greatest closer in baseball history needs to spit on the ball is ludicrous and more than a little like the whining of a baby.

It’s like Beck and Malkin et al getting all angrified because a character on Heroes will start working at a soup kitchen in the hope that it will inspire some viewers to follow suit. Hate the payroll. Hate the management. Hate the game. But don’t hate the player. Especially if it’s Mo.

Or Jeter.

Sabathia pitched 8 innings on 3 days’ rest. He gave up 5 hits and 1 run.

He was worth every penny.

Yankees Babe Ruth and Hank Bauer each hit 4 home runs in 7 postseason games (in the 1926 and 1958 postseason, respectively).

Gehrig hit 4 in 4 in 1928.

Derek Jeter hit 4 in 16 in 2000.

Reggie Jackson hit 5 in 11 in 1977.

Bernie Williams hit the most thus far — 6 in 15 games in 1996.

In 2009, Alex Rodriguez has hit 5 home runs in 7 games. One more ties him with Bernie. Two more and he tops the list.

I’m starting to think that what happened to Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris in Freaky Friday has happened to Teixeira and A-Rod. And I hope someone looks into it (after we win the World Series).

One of the winners of Big Brother (ignore the obvious oxymoron) has been busted for using his prize money to deal oxycodone (look at the oxy-moron!).

He faces a $1,000,000 fine and up to 20 years in prison.

Hey, someone should film that! It’d be like a cross between The Truman Show, Lock-Up and I’m A Celebrity ,Get Me Out Of Here!

Oprah (the lady, not the show) will host Sarah Palin on Oprah (the show, not the lady) and the result will air on November 16th.

Could it be more painful to sit through than Whitney Houston’s heavily-rehearsed nonsense?

You betcha!

(wink)

Joseph “Taco Penis” Tacopina has signed a deal with Scott Sternberg Productions and Weinberger Media for the syndicated TV show, Legal Ease. Lawyers from Taco Penis’ firm will give legal advice to “everyday Americans.”

Sounds riveting.

The end.

Happy Hump Day!

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