Archive for October 23rd, 2009

Yankees 3, LAAoA 2

23rd October
2009
written by jed

Last night was absolutely amazing. Not only did my old pal Don Hall come through with tickets for us (in the fifth row!), but I don’t remember having laughed that hard (for almost two and a half solid hours) for a while. Adam Felber, Paula Poundstone and Mo Rocca were all brilliant and Brian Williams reminded everyone why he’s the Last Great Hope of TV News (patent pending). Sadly, Don wasn’t at the show (don’t worry, Don – they still said your name loud and proud from the Carnegie Hall stage at the show’s end), but when next our paths cross, I’m getting that bad boy mad drizzunk.

Sadly, our pre-show dinner at Good Enough To Eat was surprisingly sub-par. Teresa’s cheese plate was adorned with unwashed, rotten grapes (and possibly a rotten cheese) and the service has gotten comically weak (three requests and six minutes later, I had a knife to eat my meal with!). I’m sorry that the place we fell in love with isn’t there anymore (though, at those prices, they’re doing us a favor by not being jaw-droppingly awesome).

Thankfully, once Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! began, we were in Heaven (though the woman sitting next to Teresa should have warsh’d her ass before she arrived – and put away her BlackBerry once the show started).

Dinner: C+
Show: A+
Using an expired Metro-North ticket to get to Hartsdale: A (the show trumped everything else)
Watching Maury with my father the following morning: Priceless

Mark Teixeira: Worth every penny.

CC Sabathia: Worth every penny.

Andy Pettitte: A bargain at twice the price.

A.J. Burnett: Gave up 4 runs in the first inning of last night’s 7-6 loss (nice guy, though).

The Yankees will play Game 6 in the Bronx on Saturday night (although the early weather report says rain).

Today’s headline, featuring a photo of Alex Rodriguez, is WAIT OF THE WORLD.

See what they did there?

If Bill Thompson adds every “Undecided” voter (5%) and every “Other” voter (7%) to his supporters (36%), he’ll still fall 4% short of matching Mike Bloomberg (52%).

And all it cost Bloomberg (this time around) was $100,000,000 in campaign ads.

A judge has ruled that five years of stalling is enough and that Liza Minnelli will have to take the stand in the $100,000,000 sexual-harassment suit filed against her by her driver, M’Hammed Soumayah.

Planning a run for mayor, M’Hammed?

A girl (between 14 and 17) was found near the Port Authority. She has no ID and no memory of who she is. Her fingerprints have no matches in any police database. The only real clue to her identity is the fact that she can recite part of the Robin Hobb novel Fool’s Fate (part 3 of a trilogy).

Which isn’t a very good clue.

But it makes me think of what a great ad campaign this would be for Mr. (Ms.?) Cobb’s trilogy. “So good, you’ll forget who you are.” “I can’t remember loving another book this much… or who I am.” “Do you have a strong enough sense of self to read these books?””If you put your name on the inside flap of only one book this year… make it this one!”

Pepsi finally got around to junking that iPhone application that stereotyped all of the women of the world.

At least they aren’t making their cans slightly smaller and claiming that that makes them healthier.

Paterson has no intention of being re-elected.

First, he declared that Obama’s slashing of Wall Street bonuses will cost New York State $1,000,000,000. Then his Budget Division relented and admitted that they couldn’t back up that claim. Those who actually did the math claim that (maybe) tens of millions will be lost in income taxes. But definitely nowhere near $1,000,000,000.

Then, Governor Magoo realized that there might still be some people considering voting for him, so he announced that every New York resident with a license plate will not only have to buy a brand new one (by April 1st!), but the price has gone up from $15 to $25.

Anyone left?

Madonna will return to Malawi to lay the foundation stone of the $15,000,000 girls school she’s building (take that, Oprah!). It is estimated that over 1,000,000 Malawian children have been orphaned by an AIDS epidemic. But Madonna didn’t like any of those children (Editor’s Note: what do you mean by those children?), so she adopted ones with at least one living parent.

And she did it all with a stunningly bad English accent.

And you thought it was hard getting New Yorkers to vote…

The Board of Elections has used up all of their budget for the November 3rd election and will have no way to pay the poll workers they need to man the polling places.

Executive Director Marcus Cederqvist warned prospective election workers, “if they chose to provide any service to the voters of the city, they do so at their own financial risk.”

No idea why the first half of that sentence is in the past tense and the second is in the present, but let’s assume it’s the Post’s fault.

Russia’s richest man (and soon to be owner of the New Jersey Nets [I wonder if, like the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, they’ll be the New Jersey Nets of Brooklyn, New York]) had lunch with seven friends at Nello on the Upper East Side. The bill came to $15,007.87. For lunch.

What a country!

Bloomberg is considering charging television shows and movie productions $3,200 to shoot in city-owned buildings. The estimated haul per year?

$272,000.

But what about the low-budget productions? The ones for whom $3,200 is enough money to make them shoot somewhere else?

In all seriousness, Bloomberg could whip out his checkbook and give The Mayor’s Office of Film, Theatre and Broadcasting ten times as much without thinking twice – and without alienating independent productions. Again, Mayor Mike has spent/will spend a total of $100,000,000 on his latest campaign.

Instead of mailing me (and, I’m assuming, every other New Yorker) a flyer a week (which his campaign has done for the last few MONTHS), Mike could have done some actual good for the city (which, unlike his flyers, might have convinced me to vote for him).

Everyone Seeking Philanderous Nookie?

ESPN’s senior marketing vice president and the vice president of programming are also having a steamy affair.
Except (are you sitting down?) NEITHER ONE OF THEM IS MARRIED TO ANYONE.

Despicable.

Jamal Blair, 18, fired a gun the other night. Just once.

The bullet travelled down East 224th Street, through the window of a domicile, and into the leg and lungs of 92-year-old Sadie Mitchell. She died shortly thereafter.

Jamal’s defense is that there was a “ruckus” that was “bugging” him, so he fired a “warning shot.”

“It was an accident,” Jamal insisted.

Then Jamal left police custody.

“I didn’t do it. I was framed by the police. The police did it, they framed me, man. No justice.”

Please take the bait, Fat Al.

Up to 65,000 Time Warner Cable computer routers have flaws that could allow hackers to record customers’ Web cam and Wi-Fi activities.

Well, at least Time Warner Cable isn’t comically expensive.

Hey, Bloomingdale’s? I applaud your raising money for The Breast Cancer Research Foundation. But is GIVE PINK, GET MORE really the best name you could come up with for the promotion?

I may sue them, as their campaign is eerily similar to my joint venture with The Celibacy Foundation, GIVE PINK, GET HEPATITIS B.

Ridley Scott is preparing his next movie that I won’t see: Gucci.

Lee Daniels is preparing his next movie, too: Miss Saigon.

Sadly, I’m not kidding about either of these “projects.”

How desperate am I for a job? I am considering applying to be one of Charmin’s Times Square bathroom attendants this year.


It pays $2,000 a week for 5 weeks. And all the horrible smells you can handle!

Julie Andrews lost her singing voice in 1997.

She’ll undergo surgery soon in the hopes of regaining it.

Godspeed, Ms. Poppins.

Yesterday, I reported that Lil Wayne wanted the DNA evidence connecting him to the gun he tried to hide to be thrown out of court.

Today, I report that he has entered a guilty plea for gun possession.

He has agreed to spend a year in prison.

I think I may have to hire some child molesters to open a pizzeria for me. It really must be as good as I’ve heard — even Lil Wayne wants some!

Megan Zacher, 25, entered a “Shake It Like Shakira” contest at Calico Jack’s Cantina on East 42nd.

She danced on the bar. She fell off. She shredded her knee ligaments. She sued the bar, saying that they should have known that Shakira’s dance moves were “dangerous and likely to cause injury.”

A judge just threw the case out of court.

I guess Megan’s hips lied.

Hey, Dick Cheney? Seriously. Shut the fuck up. And get in Cindy’s box.

You heard me.

Westword, a newspaper in Denver, Colorado, is looking for a new employee – to review medical marijuana.

Requirements include submitting an essay titled “What marijuana means to me” and knowing 100 different ways to say “awesome.”

John Travolta’s Bahamian extortion trial has ended in a mistrial. So Travolta wants to move it to the United States.

Because America’s justice system is much better than the Bahamas’.

Bill O’Reilly’s latest comedy of errors is My Advice for Barack wherein he suggests replacing Rahm Emanuel with… Bill O’Reilly.

If it would keep him off the TV and out of the Post, I wholeheartedly agree.

Newsday (they’re still around?) will now charge non-subscribers $5 a week to access their website.

Let me know how that works out for you, Newsday!

(I say they cease publication by March 2010)

The American Booksellers Association is asking the Department of Justice to look into the recent “price war” begun by Amazon, Walmart and Target. They assert that their hefty price cuts “constitute illegal predatory pricing that is damaging to the book industry and harmful to consumers.”

Speaking of which, Stephen King’s new e-book will cost $35.00. But, yeah, Target selling a book for $9.99 is harmful to consumers.

Shouldn’t a book that only exists in cyberspace be cheaper than one that you actually have to manufacture and ship?

I can’t believe I just took Walmart’s side.


Shrek: The Musical For Some Reason will close on January 3rd. So, if you want to see a musical 3-D interpretation of Eddie Murphy’s interpretation of a fating donkey, hurry up!


V.A. Musetto gives Lars von Trier’s Antichrist three and a half stars. $20 says Charlotte Gainsbourg shows her tits.


Let’s see what movies Pete Hammond likes!

“’Amelia’ simply soars. Grand entertainment in the best tradition of the movies.”

(Lou Lumenick’s review is titled 1st-class seat to dullsville)

“’(Untitled)’ has style, laughs and attitude. The ensemble cast is just terrific.”

(Kyle Smith gives it one star)

Thanks for the {whatever the opposite of tips are}, Pete!

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has been fired from Melrose Place. I’m just sorry that I am aware of the existence of both of those things.


Hulu will begin charging for its intermittently buffering re-runs, possibly at the start of 2010.

What a fantastic idea! It can’t lose! Or backfire!

I just remembered that Real Time with Bill Maher is over for the year. Boo.


And that will do that.

I wrote this this morning, by the by, but can no longer get online with my laptop (in Hartsdale).

But I’m home now! And it’s the weekend! Huzzah!

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