Feeling under the weather (which, given the current weather, is pretty low). Teresa is an excellent nurse, though and a Honeycrisp apple goes a long way. So, paper in one hand and a tissue in the other (don’t ask what I’m typing with), let’s check out today’s 68-page newspaper (featuring 29 pages of sports!).

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Darth A-Rod is the top half of the front page, featuring a photo of A-Rod in a gray hoodie (just like most of the Star Wars characters who weren’t Darth Vader!) and the explanation “Alex aims to strike back against Angels” (see what they did there?).

The bottom half  (MURDER IN THE RECTORY) begins the story of Reverend Edward Hinds, 61, who was found murdered in the kitchen of the St. Patrick Church in Chatham, New Jersey.

I wonder if his murderer (who still hasn’t been found) will use the “it was God’s will” defense.

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Bill Thompson will lose the election, but at least he’s being fined $125,775 for plastering 1,677 illegal posters across the city.

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Every NYPD Highway Patrol officer was pulled from their regular posts and rushed to a firing range yesterday after a malfunction was discovered in their new shotguns. They were all traded in for the older models and each officer was quickly recertified to use them.

Which means that the best time to speed was yesterday (sorry for the late notice).

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The Hollywood thieves who, in the last year, have robbed the homes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Orlando Bloom (among others), have been caught!

And they’re all teenagers! With horrible taste in celebrities!

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In his stand-up act, David Cross has claimed to have snorted cocaine at this year’s White House Correspondents dinner “maybe 40 feet” from Obama.

Your less-than-half-your-age girlfriend must have giggled her Hello Kitty hairclips off!

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The Swiss Justice Ministry says that Roman Polanski faces 2 years in prison if extradited.

That… that can’t be right, can it?

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Mayumi Heene has admitted to authorities that she and her dick husband Richard cooked up the Balloon Boy hoax and told their children to lie to the authorities and the media about it.

The Denver Post claims that Dick admitted that the balloon was specifically built for the hoax.

But Dick’s attorney called Mayumi’s confession “meaningless” because “her English is not that great, first of all.”

Here’s an idea: Let her confess in Chinese (or whatever her native language is) and then have it translated into English!

B’also? Shouldn’t you be more concerned about what your client actually said instead of what his wife might have meant?

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According to a restraining order she filed in August, Brooke Hundley (described today as “the schlubby seductress”) once told her supervisor that Steve Phillips gave her an especially strong drink and then cornered her and tried to get her to come to his hotel room. She was told to “get used to it.” She claimed that Phillips wouldn’t stop textually harassing her (I just coined this phrase — it’s all mine!) until she finally did go to his room. She also claimed that Phillips would threaten her to be silent and spread rumors around the office that she was a slut.

She dropped the restraining order in September for some reason (prolly in exchange for Phillips insisting that no charges be filed against Hundley).

Ah, young love (with your old married boss).

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J.Lo (once known [as Jennifer Lopez]) is unveiling her new alter-ego tonight.

Mariah has Mimi, Beyonce has Sasha and J.Lo now has… Lola.

I always thought she might have a penis…

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You know those “Smart Choices” labels on packaged food that have been appearing (seemingly arbitrarily) on such healthy products as Froot Loops and Cracker Jack? Well the nine manufacturers that began the nutritional marketing plan will now stop.

Federal regulators pointed out that the labels “could mislead consumers,” so Kraft, General Mills, Kellogg and all the others decided to continue making poison, but not to label them as beneficial.

Smart choice.

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Hey, Facebook? It ain’t broke, so stop trying to fix it.

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Some of the plaintiffs in two cases against Eastman Kodak are unhappy with the proposed $21,400,000 settlement. They charged the company with paying their Black employees less than their White employees.

The roughly 3,000 people would get an average of roughly $7,133.33, which some consider unacceptably low.

And yet no one seemed to mind Kodak repeatedly referring to the plaintiffs as “nice, bright coloreds.”

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If I were their attorney, I’d argue entrapment.

A woman entered a bar in Massachusetts and started telling everyone about her huge insurance payout. Then she started waving around $27,000 in cash.

Two men waited for her outside the bar with a gun and, when she exited, they robbed her.

Police are currently looking for “two men who can see and hear.”

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Sarah Palin, who for some weird reason continues to not shut the fuck up, as most of the country would prefer, is endorsing a third-party candidate in New York’s 23rd Congressional District race because “there is no real difference between the Democrat and the Republican in this race.”

So, she quit her job (before serving a single term) and now she’s quitting her party?

Palin in 2012!

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Jonah Goldberg compares the Democratic Party to the people who were killed in the 2004 Asian tsunami.

He also calls Ross Perot the “inspiration of tea-party protestors.”

Perot has a show on Fox News now?

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The Post is absolutely apoplectic about how a Democrat locked some Republicans out of his House committee.

And many Republicans are also beside themselves with rage over Obama’s seeming favoritism with some left-leaning newsfolk.

If you can breathe through your nose, I needn’t remind you that this sort of thing happened (a lot) during the previous administration.

Maybe I should go to library and find the Post editorials that denounced this behavior when the GOP was in power.

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Arthur Shadforth of Cocoa, Florida writes in to say, “New York needs a soda tax to provide New York politicians with the money with which to buy votes.”

How ’bout you worry about Florida and New Yorkers will worry about New York. OK? After all, I don’t write to Cocoa’s newspaper (The Cocoa Pebble) and tell you guys whether or not you should eat dinner in the afternoon.

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I would very much like Pettitte to get the win that puts us in the World Series. Sabathia’s great, but Andy is in what might be his last year of pitching (where have I heard that before?) and (give or take a few years) has been a Yankee longer than most of his teammates. One more postseason win would also give him the record (he’s currently tied with John Smoltz at 15).

The sports pages say there’s an 80% chance of rain. Let’s hope this weather prediction matches up with their last two.

Torii Hunter told the media that the Angels were getting ready to “shock the world” this weekend. Derek Jeter’s response?

“Last I checked, I think we’re in pretty good shape.” I totes agree.

Game time’s at 7:57 tonight. Hold my calls.

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Michael Starr has a way with press releases (and an irrational hatred of Mad Men). Sometimes (when someone’s sick, Im guessing), the TV section lets him write reviews of TV shows. Here’s how his review of tonight’s 48 Hours Mystery: Haunted begins.

“Last night, MTV aired My Super Psycho Sweet 16, a spoof of slasher flicks. Tonight, MTV’s corporate sibling, CBS, airs a 48 Hours Mystery episode featuring another killer. But this time, it’s no laughing matter.”

How can I nominate this guy for an award?

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Okey-dokey. We’re having a friend over for brunch tomorrow, so I don’t know when (or even if) I’ll have time for you until mad late.

Try to be strong.