Last night’s torrential downpour cancelled Game 6 of the ALCS until tonight. Without a reason to sit next to my radio, cursing and frightening my wife, I decided to get some crusty bread for today’s brunch (instead of doing it at 8:30 in the morning).

Fun fact: When it rains hard, the streets of Park Slope fill up with water. I mean that literally — it doesn’t just pool up near the curb, it fills the entire street.

So, with sneakers filled with water and the remnants of a cold, I got two lovely baguettes and (on a hunch) some uncured duck bacon (it paid off big time). This morning’s brunch was a colossal success. A carnivore’s delight with a side of eggs and grits.

While digesting this sumptuous feast, I somehow managed to buy today’s paper. The woman on (most of) the cover (I’m 80% certain) is Rose McGowan (for some unexplained reason). The rest of the cover reveals the killer of Edward Hinds (the Chatham, New Jersey priest). He’s a 64-year-old janitor at Hinds’ church named José Feliciano.

José stabbed Hinds in the face, neck and back 32 times because… he was afraid that he was going to lose his job.

CHOOSE THE PUNCHLINE:

1) Well, at least he won’t lose his job now.

2) I’m not sure what’s more impressive — that a blind man stabbed someone 32 times or that he worked as a janitor for 17 years.

3) Eyewitnesses report seeing Feliciano fleeing the scene of the crime and wishing everyone a merry Christmas “from the bottom of [his] heart.”

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Somebody has stolen a (large) number of license plates from Homeland Security vehicles and local police cars.

Is this part of a diabolical new terrorist plot? Bored high school kids? Fraternity hazing? Stay tuned!

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Caught on camera!

Liev Schreiber and Matthew Broderick removing the license plates from their Vespas so that police cant issue them tickets!

So crafty, those millionaires.

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The World Health Organization has discovered a “definitive link” between “long-term cellphone use” and brain tumors.

Can you fear me now?

(see what I did there?)

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The POTUS has declared the swine-flu outbreak a national emergency.

Which, I’m sure, infuriates Michelle Malkin for some reason or another.

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Oh, ESPN. You so classy.

During yesterday’s Ohio State-Minnesota football game, a NASCAR promo ended by asking the question, “Where is Juan Pablo Montoya?” [Editor's note: Apparently, he's a Colombian driving who has fallen in the rankings.]

Analyst Bob Griese responded, “He’s out getting a taco.”

ESPN has already issued a statement calling the Griese/greasy remark “inappropriate” (and they should know — that seems to be their chief export).

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Oh, Post. You so classy.

A top geneticist (Professor Svante Paabo, director of genetics at the Max Planck Institute in Germany) has been studying the genetics of Neanderthals and early humans and has come to the conclusion that the two groups had sex with each other.

The title of the Post’s article is Cavemen dabba-did Neanders.

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A security guard approached Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson on the set of The Other Guys and asked if he could get a photo, as his son is a big fan of his. Dwayne angrily explained that he can’t take pictures with everyone who asks him. The security guard replied, “Fine, but my son isn’t a fan anymore.”

In a related story, The Tooth Fairy looks horrible.

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In an interview with Esquire (which took place before his recent arrest), Roman Polanski offered, “There was no plot against me. There was no setup. It was all my fault.” He also said, “I think that my wrongdoing was much greater than Bill Clinton’s.”

Gee, Roman. You think?

He also declared, “There’s a different justice for people who are public figures than for those who are not.”

I wonder which of his palatial European estates he was lounging in when he said that.

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What will replace Shrek The Musical For Some Reason as the most unnecessary book-to-film-to-stage adaptation on Broadway? Catch Me If You Can The Musical For Some Reason has actually gotten some rave reviews, so it won’t be that. No, my money is on the still-being-written-by-Heywood Gould adaptation of the 1988 movie by Heywood Gould (which was an adaptation of the 1984 book by Heywood Gould), Cocktail.

You heard me. Cocktail The Musical For Some Reason. And guess who they want for the female lead. Go on, guess.

Katie Holmes. For some reason.

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Lindsay Lohan has been dropped by her record label. And Hollywood. And that lesbian.

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Great photo on Page Six (today on page 13) of Heather Mills practicing her ice skating for the upcoming British TV show Dancing on Ice.

Don’t the British know that she only has one leg? And that she is a heartless shrew?

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Cindy Adams is standing in the box. Now she just needs to lie down and sleep.

Today she attacks celebrity fads (which, according to her timeline, have gone from babies to drugs to pets to diets to greed to extramarital affairs… ?). “Kim Kardashian or Khloe Kardashian or Kourtney or Kook, whatever the name is, announced she wants six [babies]. One to go with each of her IQ points.”

Wait… which Kardashian said that? All of them (except Kook) have their own TV shows (and, to be fair, YOU put them [her?] on your list of celebrities, so don’t act like they’re nobodies if you insist on cementing their reputation as somebodies), so it’d probably be appreciated by the readers if you could attribute the quote to the actual person who said it and not just the gene pool she swims in.

Joey is lonely, Cindy. And cold. So very cold.

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Police officers in Dallas, Texas have been issuing tickets (at $204 a pop!) to drivers who don’t speak English.

Texas and South Carolina are now neck-and-neck in the 2009 Shame of the Nation Championship.

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Octomom dressed (8 of) her (14) kids up in tiny devil outfits and dressed herself as a pregnant nun. And the Post not only took a picture of them, but published it, too. So now I know that it happened. And so do you.

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Sorry.

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The family of that amnesiac teenager who quoted that book has allegedly come forward to claim their missing child.

They live in Washington (the state, not the POTUS).

A happy ending (if that’s indeed what this is) is a wonderful thing (get your mind out of the gutter).

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When Sarah Palin endorses you, you get mad love from the New York Post! That’s why Doug “Who?” Hoffman of the 23rd Congressional District in upstate New York gets to write a full-page editorial about how conservatives should “TAKE BACK THE [Republican] PARTY!” from the Republicans who aren’t very different than their Democratic rivals.

Of course! The biggest problem with the current GOP is that it’s compromising too much!

Wait.

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Peggy Noonan. Remember when she wasn’t a laughing stock? Me neither.

“At a certain point, a president must own a presidency. For George W. Bush that point came eight months in, when 9/11 happened. From that point on, the presidency — all his decisions, all the credit and blame for them — was his. The American people didn’t hold him responsible for what led up to 9/11, but they held him responsible for everything after it. This is part of the reason the image of him standing on the rubble of the twin towers, bullhorn in hand, on Sept.14 [sic], 2001, became an iconic one. It said: I’m owning it.”

The honest truth? I don’t remember that image. But whenever I think of 9/11 and George W. Bush, there is one “iconic image” that pops up immediately. In fact, when I Googled “George Bush 9/11″ it was the first (and fifth) image that came up.

Second (and fourth) one that came up:

Third one that came up:

Peggy goes on to criticize Obama’s “excuse-begging and defensiveness.” Something W. was never guilty of. Right, Pegs? He just “owned it.”

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The article about Democrat Creigh Deeds’ doomed-to-failure Virginia gubernatorial campaign contains one of the greatest paragraphs ever printed: “Deeds’ supporters, unsurprisingly, weren’t pleased. One of them, Virginia strategist Mudcat Saunders, told CNN, ‘For them to say if he had listened to us they would win, that’s chickenshit.’”

That’s some solid strategery there, Mudcat.

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The sub-headline of The Big Chill is “Forget global warming — the average temperature peaked in 1998 and has been falling since. Where to place your financial bets now that we’ve settled that argument.”

And who has decided that global warming has been unequivocally proven false? James Altucher. Is he a scientist? Nope. He’s a hedge-fund manager. Who invests heavily in oil, gas and nuclear energy.

More fair and balanced reporting from Rupert Murdoch.

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While Paranormal Activity looked like it could have been filmed for $15,000, I assure you it wasn’t.

It did, however, get boring almost immediately.

(if you dislike mediocre improv, the dialogue in the movie will drive you crazy)

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If Courtney Love and Steven Tyler had a baby and then threw it in a dehydrater for 80 years, it would look exactly like Donatella Versace.

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There’s a photo on page 107 that makes it seem like Alex Rodriguez (lying on his stomach after sliding into second) is getting an incredibly painful “happy ending” (get your minds back in the gutter) from one of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

The version I found online shows more than the one in the paper (making it clearer what’s going on), but it’s still hilarious (to me). Also, disregard the Babe Ruth photo in the corner.

Poor Kate Hudson.

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Game 6, hopefully, begins in roughly three and a half hours. Hold my calls.

And go Yanks.