Archive for October 27th, 2009

All The Smack That’s Fit To Talk

27th October
2009
written by jed

GOTHAM TREMBLES

The Frillies are coming to town!

This wholly legitimate headline is accompanied by the top half of Shane Victorino Photoshopped onto the bottom half of a female cheerleader. The caption: “Only in the City of Brotherly Love could Shane Victorino pass for a slugger.” Let’s hope no one reads that to Shane!

The two-page spread that the front page directs you to is chock-full of Philadelphia-bashing. PITY THEM PHILLY PHOOLS has the sub-head Their fans are second-rate & so is their city (to be fair, Philadelphia is a truly horrible place). The accompanying Tale of the tape graphic matches up NY and Philly in a variety of categories (we win all of them, natch). There’s also an article on the Philly Phanatic (Phanatic a pain in the mascot) that includes this observation from Patrick O’Neill, 22, of the Bronx: “Mr. Met is even better than that — and Mr. Met is retarded.”

Usually, if I want to read such mature insight, I have to read a Michelle Malkin editorial.

Poor Bernie Kerik. A judge just pushed his trial back another two weeks.

That’s two more weeks in jail for 9iu11ani’s former best buddy.

Let’s hope he likes pizza.

Bloomberg promises that, if re-elected, he’ll make our public schools the best in the nation (by 2013) and improve our mass transit system.

I want that in writing.

Steve Phillips is once again in rehab for sex addiction.

Brooke Hundley is now unemployed.

Bob Griese is still insensitive.

Working Families blasted over ’scam’ to boost pals at polls declares the sub-head (of SUIT RIPS ‘GUILTY’ PARTY). Apparently, “five aggrieved Staten Island voters” have filed a lawsuit against the Working Families Party that charges them with “an audacious scheme to violate the law.”

The WFP is accused of creating Data and Field Services (DFS), which is hired by candidates (whom the WFP backs) to do phone banking, polling and other similar campaign services. The WFP than “dramatically undercharges” for those services, allowing the candidates to get more bang for the bucks they’re allowed to spend.

WFP spokesman Dan Levitan calls the lawsuit “baseless and fraught with error. The facts it alleges are false. This is nothing more than a desperate attack one week before Election Day.”

Also targeted in the lawsuit? (all together now)

ACORN!

The red flag for me was when the article claimed that five people on Staten Island know what “audacious” means.

Speaking of which, the NYPD has started using “GPS systems” (which is like saying ATM machine, no?) to help their officers find their way around Staten Island (“which is notorious for its dead ends and unmapped streets”).

I wonder if outfitting every police car on Staten Island was cheaper or more expensive than putting up street signs and/or updating some maps.

MTA Fun Fact: 25% of all weekday trains and 50% of all weekend trains are late — and the delays are getting worse.

On weekends in August, the E, F and R trains were delayed over 90% of the time and the G was on time just 17% of the time.

But, at least it costs more now.

Roman Polanski’s victim, Samantha Geimer, is urging a California appeals court to throw out the case against the director/rapist. Her attorney claims that all of the attention the case is getting is giving her “health problems and job worries.”

Don’t do it, appeals court. It’s already been established that when Geimer says she wants something, she doesn’t really mean it.

Researchers claim that Israeli Jews who survived the Holocaust are more likely to contract cancer than other Jews.

Chosen people, my ass.

Someone mugged Diane von Furstenberg on a street in Madrid.

Wouldn’t it be funny if 300 celebrities all signed a petition begging a judge to not press charges against her mugger?

(she signed the Polanski petition)

Did Paul Haggis quit the Church of Scientology because of their support of Proposition 8?

Yes!

So, if you have a gay-friendly religion founded by aliens 75,000,000 years ago, give him a call.

Professor Irwin Corey, 95, “had to be removed from the podium” at Soupy Sales’ memorial after “his eulogy turned into a diatribe about health-care reform, in which he insisted that Soupy — along with Odetta, Eartha Kitt and Miriam Makeba — died prematurely because of inadequate treatment.”

Then he asked people to go into their parents’ medicine cabinets and mail him their pills.

Could Disney be more despicable?

They just unveiled (no pun intended) a new line of bridal dresses and engagement rings.

Their Belle gown is $4,000.

Their “Jasmine-inspired” wedding ring is $5,680 (not including the diamonds).

And their mouse still isn’t funny.

The Post is actually criticizing Obama for spending as many days on the golf course thus far (24!) as his predecessor did in “almost three years.”

Bush spent more time on vacation than any other POTUS. Ever. After our nation’s worst terrorist attack. After starting a bullshit war (and a half-assed legitimate one). He just didn’t like golf as much as Obama does.

But this is a newspaper that uses more ink to insult Philadelphia (for having the audacity to play a New York team in the World Series!) and incriminate the WFP and ACORN than it does to help its readers understand the current health-care debate.

Par for the course.

(pun intended)

One of the Harvard scientists who drank coffee spiked with sodium azide “cannot think it would be an accident.”

They don’t teach tenses anymore at Harvard?

On page 16 (today on page 16), there’s a less-than-half-page article about how Harry Reid is adding a public option (that states can opt out of) in the health-care reform bill.

Page 23 will have the Post’s take on this. I can’t wait.

Poly Prep Country Day School in Dyker Heights (Brooklyn in the house!) is being sued by seven alumni who claim that the school’s football coach (Philip Foglietta) molested “dozens, if not hundreds” of boys — and that the school “condoned and facilitated Foglietta’s criminal behavior because he was a highly successful football coach and instrumental in raising substantial revenue for the school.”

A case was brought against the school in 2005, but it was thrown out because the plaintiff had waited over 5 years to report the abuse (statute of limitations in the house!).

Thankfully, there’s no statute of limitations on ignoring reports of abuse so your school can get more donations.

[insert joke about how you'd think Dyker Heights would be safe for boys... here]

Rich Lowry provides the Post’s opinion on the public option.

Surprise! He hates it. A lot.

Which is how I feel about Rich Lowry.

And Betsy McCaughey also hates it and insists (yet again) that Obama is going to kill your grandparents.

Shut up, Betsy.

Those two Bear Stearns hedge funders that face up to 20 years in prison for their financial shenanigans just got some good news. The personal e-mails they exchanged in which they predicted that their company could “blow up” in a subprime mortgage crisis of some kind have been thrown out by a judge.

Their attorney argued that the e-mails “had been obtained using a flawed and and on overly broad subpoena that was unconstitutional.”

The law is a ass.

A 30-second spot during the WOrld Series costs $400,000.

A 30-second spot during Sunday Night Football costs $339,700.

A 30-second spot during House costs $183,300.

A 30-second spot during The Jay Leno Show costs between $48,800 and $65,700.

Ad revenue is down, ratings are down, ratings for the news that follows it is down… great job, NBC!

The Wall Street Journal took out a full-color two-page ad that trumpets its ascension to the #1 slot in total circulation. It shows how The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post and Chicago Tribune have all dropped in circulation.

Not on the list? The New York Post. Which is owned by Rupert Murdoch. Who owns the WSJ.

And which I’m sure has dropped its total circulation over the last year.

Fun fact: Andy Pettitte would not have been offered a contract by the Yankees this year, if not for the lobbying efforts of… Mariano Rivera.

Another Fun Fact: This will be Alex Rodriguez’s first World Series appearance.

Children that are 2-5 years old now watch (on average) 32 hours of TV a week. 6-11-year-olds watch 28 hours a week.

Which still shouldn’t imply that there’s anything good on.

Tom DeLay is a guest on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? all week.

It’s like ABC and NBC are fighting to see who can give criminals more of a chance to taint the jury pools of their upcoming trials.

Will DeLay or Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) get the most out of their newfound TV celebrity? Stay tuned!

Linda Stasi reviews By The People: The Election of Barack Obama (three stars!) and references (three times!) how Obama has now banned “certain news organizations” from covering him.

Linda, Fox isn’t “news organizations” (let alone one).

Wow! It’s still the morning! I’m-a get stuff done today! Stay dry, peeps!

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