Archive for October 28th, 2009

Hungarian Ventriloquist Choir

28th October
2009
written by jed

You’re welcome.

(and I’m sorry)

Thanks, Doug!

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Another Day, Another Entry.

28th October
2009
written by jed

Susan Finklestein is a Phillies fan and a whore. Wait. That’s not fair.

Susan Finklestein is a Phillies fan and tried — unsuccessfully — to be a whore.

SEX FOR TIX

Phillie femme: Let’s play ball

Here is the ad Susan posted on Criagslist:

DESPERATE BLOND NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia)

Diehard Phillies fan — gorgeous tall buxom blonde — in desperate need of two World Series tickets. Price negotiable — I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!

S.

The ad caught the attention of a cop who scours the Internet for indecent proposals like this, so he set up a meeting with Susan.

He told her that he only had one ticket. She insisted on two. He said his brother might have an extra ticket. According to Bucks County Public Safety Director Fred Harran, “She offered to take care of both men.” When pressed as to what she specifically offered to do, Harran replied, “Let’s just say she wanted to go around the bases the other way.”

Her attorney scoffed, “I don’t think a married woman named Mrs. Finklestein is going to be a prostitute. She’s a rabid fan who, if anything, was overcome with Phillies fever.”

Is her lawyer implying that married Jewish women can’t be prostitutes? Yo, man, that’s racist.

We hope Susan and her husband (he must be so proud that she was willing to sleep with two brothers so he could watch his team lose!) recuperate phrom their Phillies phever phast.

Other Phillies-bashing articles on pages 6-7 include one in which Ryan Howard complains that he should’ve been the one in a cheerleader outfit on yesterday’s front page (“I might pull it off a little better than Shane”). The article goes on to say, “The Phillies may have a sense of humor, but judging from the hundreds of mostly unintelligible e-mails sent by mouth-breathers in response to the story, their fans clearly do not.”

Mouth-breathers… mouth-breathers… where have I heard that before?

Reed Tucker’s Feeble fandom in the City of Brotherly Duh has a photo of Jon Gosselin holding up a Phillies jersey (he’s from Wyomissing, Pennsylvania). That makes me feel better about 9iu11ani being a Yankee fan.

Away over their heads accuses the Phillies of “acting like a bunch of uptight deer-in-the-headlights rubes since they arrived” and of “pigging out like a claque of teenage schoolgirls who just got dumped.”

The 50% chance of rain makes me sad (though the 50% chance of no rain gives me hope).

Go Yanks!

Teresa? Don’t look at page 3.

It’s a photo of a chimp funeral in Cameroon.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

A former female staff writer for Letterman has written a piece for Vanity Fair (click here) that claims the atmosphere behind the scenes was/is decidedly different than what’s been reported in the last few months.

Great article, sad reality.

Alex Stucki and Devin McClain have admitted that they forced 19-year-old fraternity pledge Arman Partamian to drink for three days straight, resulting in Arman’s death. They pleaded guilty to criminally negligent homicide.

Their sentence? Four months of weekends in jail.

Outstanding.

A juror wrote a letter to the judge in John Gotti’s current trial to complain about one of the jurors. The letter claims that the juror (a Black woman) has been hostile to other jurors and that she ordered fried calamari to go (on the Court’s tab!) during one of their off-site lunches.

The letter ends with “P.S. The reason this letter is being mailed and not delivered is to avoid a worst [sic] situation then [sic] already exists.”

Please require prospective jurors to take IQ tests.

Please.

Ryan Seacrest will produce The Bank of Hollywood on E!

The show’s premise? “Contestants pitching a money-making idea to business leaders.”

What an original idea for a show!

Bonus points: Candy Spelling is rumored to be a judge!

If there is a God, it needs to smite Joe Lieberman. A lot.

Bloomberg and Thompson had another debate last night?

Why?

The 1,000 nurses at Lenox Hill Hospital have threatened to strike unless a new contract is agreed to in the next 10 days.

If the strike goes ahead, many patients won’t know the difference.

Karla Giraldo is asking that Hiram Monserrate’s restraining order be lifetd so that they can resume their “intimate relationship… without further unnecessary interruption.”

This will end well.

A French court convicted the “Church” of Scientology of organized fraud. They were fined $900,000.

It’s a start.

A man was mugged in Union Square Park yesterday, according to the NYPD DAILY BLOTTER. Last line of the mini-story: “The victim but was not seriously hurt.”

I’m assuming they meant to say “The victim’s butt was not seriously hurt.”

Police caught the two guys who beat up a man a block and a half from our apartment last month.

Windsor Terrace is a utopia once more!

Amtrak loses an average of $32 for every passenger that gets on one of their trains.

Sorry, Randy.

In his new autobiography, Andre Agassi admits to once using crystal meth.

Considering he’s seen Barbra Streisand naked, I’d call that incredible restraint.

The 24-page World Series pull-out section!

… is surprisingly boring.

Lou Lumenick has two things to say about This Is It: “It’s bad” and “Beat it.”

One star.

Now that Bye Bye Birdie is getting panned, the next big-budget remake on Broadway will be… Carrie: The Musical?!?

It closed after five performances! And that was with Betty Buckley!

All of a sudden, Shrek: The Musical For Some Reason seems brilliant.

Starting pitcher for the Phillies in Game 2?

Pedro Martinez.

Awe. Some.

Is Girardi going to switch out Francisco Cervelli and Freddie Guzman for Eric Hinske and Brian Bruney?

I surely hope so.

The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 has aired.

Let the healing begin.

Confirmed: Gordon Ramsay had Botox injections in his chin.

(No duh.)

And that’s Tuesday.

Pray for the opposite of rain.

Later, gators.

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