Poor Sabathia.

He gave up only 2 runs in 7 innings (both were solo homer runs by Chase Utley). Hughes came in and faced two batters — and walked them both. Marte, Robertson, Coke… the best you can say about all three is that their ERA is 0.00 (after 1 game).

Bruney is someone I thought would really shine in the postseason. I was hoping he’d surprise people. Now I wish I had been more specific. His ERA is 54.00.

It’s a best-of-7 series, so there’s no reason to freak out about one loss (especially since there’s only one Cliff Lee). We’ll even it up tonight and prove (once again) who Pedro’s daddy is.

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Wal-Mart now sells caskets.

“Dad Remembered” and “Mom Remembered” are just $999.00, while the “Executive Privilege” will run you $1,699.00.

The latter is for people who want to feel like a success, despite buying their casket at Wal-Mart.

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The City Council has approved an 82-story tower on top of the Museum of Modern Art in Midtown.

It will be 21 feet smaller than the Chrysler Building.

How much you wanna bet it gets finished before Ground Zero?

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Rep. John Carter (R-Texas) has challenged Charlie Rangel to post his tax returns online to prove that he paid the government every cent he owed them.

No word yet from Raspy-C, but it should be noted that Carter failed to report $300,000 in profits from oil stock sales in 2006 and 2007. He eventually made good with the IRS, though, and posted the proof online.

Can I vote for Vince Morgan yet?

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Mike Sheehan, 61, used to be an NYPD detective. Then he got a gig as a Fox 5 reporter.

Then he drove drunk… into a police horse.

He was fined $500, will serve 5 days of community service and got his license suspended for 90 days. He was also fired from WNYW-TV.

Mike Sheehan, ladies and gentlemen.

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Say it ain’t so, Black Dan Dunford!

Dominic Carter is due in court today to face charges that he “punched, choked and kicked” his wife in their home in Rockland County.

Cops have been called to the home 4 times in the last 2 years for domestic disputes. The “most violent incident” occurred on October 22, 2008, at which time Dominic was arrested.

I wonder what Roger Clark thinks of this…

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Andrea Peyser really outdoes herself today. She declares that the Yankees had better start winning, lest their fans revolt (shut up, Mets fan) in Yanks, just say thanks!; she ridicules Jennifer Aniston for saying that her showers last no longer than three minutes (“And — wait for it — she said, ‘Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day!’ No way! Everything?”) in Water girl Jen is really all wet; in The skinny on fat city, she… I’m actually not sure — she sarcastically refers to the Department of Health as “the obesity police” and mocks their claim that providing calorie counts at fast-food joints has resulted in people buying less fattening fare, while admitting that she’d rather starve than eat a 400-calorie fat-free muffin (which she would have eaten, had the calorie count not been provided by the obesity police); and calls sex-addiction rehab “a great way to meet horny chicks” in Rehab a made-up cure for sex jerks like Steve (bonus points for referring to Brooke Hundley as “pleasantly plump”). She also makes fun of Maureen Dowd.

Oh, Andrea. Why can’t you fall down a lot of stairs for a few hours?

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A “top official at the Transport Workers Union” called the MTA board a bad name at yesterday’s public meeting.

“I think you people are so detached from reality because you don’t use the system. You guys are just a bunch of doody-heads,” said Andreeva Pinder.

Pinder’s fruit cup was immediately taken away, as were recess privileges.

Though Pinder did give me a great idea: Everyone on the MTA board is not allowed to use taxis or cars. Ever. Let these millionaires get where they’re going via mass transit. Maybe Jay Walder stepping in some bum doodies will speed up renovations.

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Cindy Adams wants you to know that, before she performs, former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell pees in a cup. Oh, and Moby loves to clean his toilet.

Thanks, Cindy. Say hi to Joey for me.

Soon.

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Remember Jamal “Shyne” Barrow? He went to prison for taking the fall for that club shooting in 2001 (you know, the one that P. Diddy probably committed?). He served 9 years.

And now he’s being deported to Belize.

Fun fact: In prison, he converted to Judaism and now goes by Moses Leviy (seriously).

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Two pages on Roman Polanski and the original testimony of the girl and the HBO documentary and… once you read the girl’s original testimony (“And then he went down and started performing cuddliness… He placed his mouth on my vagina… I was ready to cry. I was kind of — I was going, ‘No. Come on. Stop it.’ But I was afraid.”), you will find it repulsive that anyone would speak out on this guy’s behalf.

Anyone who refers to “cunnilingus” as “cuddliness” is far too young to be participating in it.

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Earl Banks, 46, was masturbating on an A train Tuesday afternoon. He approached a woman who “fended him off with an umbrella” and exited the train. Banks followed. The woman alerted police.

Banks’ excuse for whipping out his junk on the train?

He was trying to urinate.

Earl Banks, ladies and gentlemen.

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Oh, Mattel.

This is the “Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken” doll. But lest you think Mattel was being vulgar, their spokeslady explains, “The little dog’s name is Sugar. That’s where the name comes from. He’s Sugar’s daddy, as a reference to the dog.”

“B’also,” she continued, “he likes to pay men to have gay sex with him. He also has sex with the dog. In the gayest possible sense.”

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The woman who drove a minivan into an oncoming car (she was doing 70) in Queens on Monday (resulting in the death of 2 children (5 and 15) and putting another 5-year-old in a medically induced coma has confessed to having a drink prior to driving.

Oh, and smoking some crack.

Oh, and doing some heroin.

Put Sheila Bethea in a cage and never ever let her out. Ever.

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Some police in India were bothered by a rank odor that kept wafting into their station house. After two years of trying to figure out the source, they found it.

It was a corpse. On their roof.

Seems it was supposed to be sent to the coroner, but it was put on the roof instead and forgotten about.

Thank you, India, as that Canadian lady once sang.

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Remember “The Twinkie Defense” from the Harvey Milk trial?

If you thought that was ridiculous, get ready for the “I’m Too Fat To Commit Murder Defense”!

Edward Ates (no pun intended) is accused of killing his son-in-law, but his lawyer contends that — at 285 pounds — there’s no way his client could have descended the stairs (let alone climbed them) where the murder was allegedly committed.

The attorney’s biggest fear? Since landed in jail, Ates has lost 60 pounds.

“It visually impacts it. I’m probably the only person in his life that told him not to lose weight.”

Aren’t lawyers wonderful?

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Fox News medical contributor (whatever that means) Marc K. Siegel penned The Public Option in the Real World for today’s op-ed section. It begins, “Like many doctors, I’ve been looking at my panel of patients and trying to decide whether a ‘public option’ in health reforms will help them. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a single patient where it will.”

Paging Doctor Disingenuous. The public option will help people who CURRENTLY DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE. Not necessarily the patients of a smug douchebag who likes to see himself on the TV.

If Siegel and Joe Lieberman were both drowning and I could only save one of them, I’d take a nap.

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Why is there a Lingerie Football League? And why are the playing a game tomorrow night?

Who is this supposed to appeal to? People too embarrassed to masturbate to legitimate pornography?

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell testified before Congress that he won;t acknowledge a connection between head injuries suffered on the football field and brain diseases later in life.

Which leads me to believe that he played football some years ago.

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A.J. Burnett is a good pitcher. Not extraordinary,but better than average. He has a 4.07 ERA.

He faces Pedro tonight and I have butterflies throwing up in my stomach.

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If the Yankees can’t get their act together soon, maybe New Yorkers will be able to take solace in the Giants/Eagles game on Sunday?

That is, if the Giants win.

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Pedro Martinez is allegedly still angry about the Post referring to him (in 2004!) as “The Man N.Y. Loves to Hate.”

Tell you what, Pedro. You give up 7 runs tonight and you’ll be The Man N.Y. Loves.

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Oh, for fuck’s sake…

TLC has announced that, like a poo phoenix rising from poo ashes, Table for 12 will replace Jon & Kate Plus 8.

The “new” “show” will feature the Hayes Family of New Jersey — they have two sets of twins and one set of sextuplets thanks to fertility treatments — and should begin airing next month.

If America has learned absolutely nothing from the Gosselins, it will watch this drek and ensure the creation of many more “shows” like this.

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America has learned nothing.

The pilot for Jon -Kate = Jon + Octomom (the actual title) has been greenlit and Jon (and Octomom) are on board. Details are here.

Happy now, America?

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President of the Catholic League Bill Donohue who, if Hell exists, will have his own office park there when he dies, has targeted Curb Your Enthusiasm as the next great evil. Why?

Because in this week’s episode, Larry accidentally gets a drop of urine on a painting of Jesus Christ.

“Would he think it’s comedic if someone urinated on a picture of his mother?” asked Donohue.

So… Jesus Christ is Bill Donohue’s mother? Sounds like someone’s working on a New New Testament!

Of stupidity!

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Don’t look for those giant red V’s in the sky. ABC decided that maybe (just maybe) it wasn’t a good idea.

The Washington Post estimated that the stunt would have spewed 3 tons of carbon dioxide and 800 grams of lead into the atmosphere.

In another brilliant move by ABC, the first four episodes of the show will air in November. The next four will air in March.

As for Southland, there are hunches and hopes, but still nothing definite (click here for more). Fingers crossed.

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Linda Stasi apologizes for panning Community, giving tonight’s episode three stars.

She also pans (again) Parks and Recreation, giving tonight’s episode two stars.

So… if it’s great it gets three stars and if it’s horrible it gets two?

Linda Stasi, ladies and gentlemen.

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That’ll do it, kids. The weekend approaches (it’s just 30 hours away!) and (knock on wood) Game 2 of the World Series starts in less than 9 hours. Hopefully it will have a happier ending than Game 1.

G’day!