(Guess what movie is playing as I write today’s entry. Here’s a hint: “Oh, Jennifer Aniston, can’t you see that Steve Zahn’s mildly retarded stalker loves you — despite knowing nothing about you — and that Woody Harrelson is a jerk?” Here’s another: The New Pornographers and Brendan Benson are both featured on the soundtrack and it is making me very sad — they both deserve way better.)

In special parts of Brooklyn (Windsor Terrace is one of them!), Friday’s Post is now stuffed with the new issue of The Brooklyn Paper – 12 pages of local news and some coupon inserts. Last week’s coupons included one for a free box of pasta. I have 10 of them. So far, I have gotten 2 free boxes. Still haven’t tried it, but you can’t argue with the price.

---

‘Daddy’ punishes Pedro as Yanks even series

SPANKED!

Three runs on six hits in just over six innings is considered a spanking? Really? 3-1 is a spanking? Huh.

Dont get me wrong — I am pickled tink that the Yanks won last night, but Pedro wasn’t terrible any more than Sabathia was terrible the night before. But I guess you can’t fill a front page without hyperbole (right, Rupe?), so I’ll let it slide.

Incidentally, umpires should be fined for every call they fuck up.

---

How’s that Second Avenue Subway coming, MTA? I mean, now that your drilling isn’t destroying the foundations of the buildings above it.

Oh, one of your subcontractors broke a water main? And it flooded the basement (and mechanical room!) of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center? But you don’t expect it to cause an further delays? Swell.

Good thing it was a subcontractor. Huh? Huh? See what I did there?

I hate the MTA. So. Much.

---

Starting Sunday at midnight, taxi rides in NYC will cost you an extra $0.50 — and that money will go to the MTA. The cost for getting into a cab is now $3.00.

I. Hate. The. MTA.

So much.

---

Rabia Sarwar, 37, is a devout Muslim. She married Sheikh “Eddie” Naseem, 41, five months ago.

Naseem claims that Sarwar (despite living in America for over a decade) had never been exposed to “American culture” (hasn’t that become a contradiction in terms?). Naseem introduced her to alcohol (her favorite drink was a Black Russian!), contemporary fashion and pork.

So she slashed his throat, face and hands.

The Post’s headline: ALLAH THE RAGE

The sub-head: SI Muslim bride stabs hubby for ‘infidel’-ity: cops

The caption under the photo of Sarwar (leaving court, covering her face): PORKY REVENGE

The caption under the photo of Naseem (his hand and neck bandaged, his cheek scarred): JIHAD ENOUGH

At every turn, the Post has taken pun-jabs at these poor people.

(sorry)

---

The front and back page and 11 pages in the sports section aren’t enough — page 5 is all about last night’s game. Apparently, we won. And Yankee fans were happy about it.

---

Joe Jackson “decked out in creepy sunglasses and a blinged-out, black, chalk-stripe suit” was allowed on Extra for some reason and made the declaration that Michael Jackson (one of the children he was fond of abusing — mentally and physically) is “worth more dead than when he was alive.”

E-he.

---

Black Dan Dunford (Dominic Carter)! How could you?

Here are some new revelations that the Post has discovered: Dominic’s wife’s brother (Larry Stevens) claims that Dominic has been physically and verbally abusing Marilyn Carter for twenty years and that Marilyn’s family “has repeatedly begged her to leave him”; during his marriage to Marilyn, Dominic has “fathered two children with his high-school sweetheart”; and that Dominic once called his wife “a dumb project bitch.”

But when Marilyn took the stand yesterday, she claimed that the bruises she told police she got from her husband (during the alleged attack last October 22nd) were actually from “a mysterious day laborer.”

I wonder what Pat Kiernan thinks of all this.

B’also? Come see my new improv group, Mysterious Day Laborer next Wednesday @ 8!

---

Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are dating!

Taylor Dayne could be reached for comment, but it was crowded and noisy at the soup kitchen so I just left.

---

O.J. Simpson’s daughter claims that, since sharing a cell with him, her father’s White supremacist cellmate has “changed his stripes.”

It’s nice to know that some good has come out of his killing her mother.

---

Joe Lieberman was at Yankee Stadium last night? And he made it out alive?

Booooooooooooooooo.

---

Lou Dobbs told his audience that people are shooting at his house because of his views on immigration (really, Lou — it couldn’t possibly be because of any of your other abhorrent views?).

“My house has been shot and hit… and you know what, I’m not in the mood to put up with little fools like Geraldo Rivera.”

Someone please tell Lou that Geraldo was born in Manhattan. And that Obama was born in Hawaii. And that the best thing for a headache is drinking poison.

---

Jon Gosselin is denying the report of his (and Octomom’s) new reality dating show.

I think I’m going to start using Gosselin’ as a verb. What should it mean?

(I’m like a straight Dan Savage! Who doesn’t give advice!)

---

David Spade says he made that Direct TV ad (look in our spiffy video section to watch it) “to honor Chris Farley.”

B’also, he got paid $200,000.

B’also also, the Farley Family was reportedly “on board with the concept from the very beginning.” So, ultimately, if it’s true that they’re cool with it, we should be, too.

Creepy though it is.

---

“At the World Series, I personally wondered why every ballplayer spits. Close up, cameras in their face, they all spit. Why is that?”

Cindy Adams gets to go to the World Series? So that she can write about what she (personally) wondered about spit?

Double boooooooooo.

---

Cindy also offers up a Kenny Rogers quote that will make you extremely uncomfortable. Ready?

“I like plastic surgery. It’s fun. The pain is really wonderful.”

You got to know when to fold ‘em, know when to tuck ‘em, know when to suck away, ‘n’ know when to inject botulism into your face.

---

Hooters waitresses are suing their employer because they are forced to buy the uniforms they wear ($19.43 for a shirt, shorts, pouch, socks and beige pantyhose).

Doesn’t McDonald’s do the same thing?

They’re also suing because they have to share their tips with the kitchen staff.

OK, that might be illegal.

Will the plaintiffs please rise and jiggle?

---

Anti-Semitism is at “a historic low” in this country (it’s only been this low one other time since the level started being measured in 1964) according to the Anti-Defamation League.

As it was in 1998, only 12% of Americans are prejudiced toward Jews now.

Hooray?

---

Sometimes, the actual quote is the punchline.

“The fact that it weighs in at nearly 2,000 pages — more than 620 pages longer than the government takeover of health care Hillary Clinton proposed in 1993 — is as good an indication as any of just how costly and unsustainable Speaker Pelosi’s proposal is.” — House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio)

Hear that? The fact that it’s longer than the one in 1993 is as good an indication of the proposal’s unsustainability as any other GOP objection. Nice boner, Boehner.

---

Bill O’Reilly’s INCONVENIENT ASSOCIATES begins (appropriately enough) with “In the beginning, there was the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a fire-breathing Chicago preacher who believes America is a bad place.” The guy who paid one of his employees millions of dollars to end her sexual harassment lawsuit against him goes on to namecheck Michael Pfleger, Bill Ayers, Rashid Khalidi, Carol Browner, Kevin Jennings, Van Jones, and Judge Edward Chen in an effort to paint the current POTUS as an America-hating radical.

But, lest you think he’s not fair and balanced, O’Reilly proves his objectivity in the final paragraph.

“Does that mean [Obama]’s Che Guevara in disguise? Not necessarily.”

Do I think that Bill O’Reilly should have all his skin peeled off and ground into sausages that he is forced to eat? Not necessarily.

---

Magazines are firing people left and right.

Remember when the movie Big predicted electronic comic books? They exist now (though the special players never materialized). And I buy a newspaper every day and I pick up The Onion, The Village Voice and New York Press every week, but rarely if ever go to their websites. I prefer the tactile experience of turning pages. But I’m an old man who remembers having to race home for TV shows and phone calls.

I honestly don’t understand why there is still a print media. Or why it will cost you $35.00 to read Stephen King’s new e-book. I find that unnecessarily e-xpensive.

But why can’t someone create a magazine that people subscribe to — and receive — online only? Create a site that people want to go and dont worry about having to deal with the Post Office or that whole cutting-down-trees-to-make-paper thing.

If Rolling Stone was a weekly e-magazine that was easy to navigate around and cost $5 a year, how many millions of people would subscribe? Food for thought. Or the ramblings of a caffeinated grouch. You make the call!

---

Rachael Ray has started an online petition to get Hall & Oates in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Of course she is.

---

I switched to a different movie. See if you can guess what I’m not-really-watching now. Here’s a hint: “Dear Rachel Miner, the things happening to your character, Penny, can only be described as dreadful. Regards, Jed.”

---

No baseball tonight.

No Bill Maher, either.

Triple boo.

---

ESPN is on a roll!

They’ve pulled a link to a Kenny Mayne video from their homepage after acknowledging that it was inappropriate. I guess when it was first posted, standards and practices were out having a taco.

---

Bud Selig, the answer to the question “what would the offspring of George Burns and Bill Gates look like?” doesn’t feel that the game of baseball (of which he is the commissioner) has not been “diminished” by the horrifically erroneous umpiring in the postseason. And he still doesn’t want instant replay to possibly overturn obviously botched calls.

A pox on you, Bud. A heavy-on-the-sores pox on you.

That double-play in the 8th should have been a bases-loaded-with-one-out situation, not the beginning of the 9th. And Utley was safe at first.

Bethany’s right. Robot umpires are the only way to go.

---

Looks like Hideki Matsui really wants to come back next year. Another home run like the one last night and he might just get to.

B’also, looks like Teixeira and Rodriguez are back in their regular bodies since the start of the World Series. Tex hit a home run last night and A-Rod is 0-for-8 (5 were strikeouts!) after Games 1 & 2

---

Was that Pedro Martinez’s last game ever? It might have been.

Huh.

Thanks for the memories, son.

---

And thanks to A.J. Burnett for reminding me why he was paid so much to wear pinstripes. 1 run on 4 hits in 7 innings? That might have been iffy against Lee, but it was more than enough to get the job done. And I no longer fear his next start.

And thanks to the Post for running a photo of Derek Jeter’s throw to first in the 8th, which resulted in a (wrongly-called) double-play. The captions credit it as THE KEY MOMENT which end[ed] the eighth inning.

We were the home team. That was the top of the eighth. You are a horrible newspaper.

---

Linda Stasi asks When did reaching for the raunch become OK? because she had this epiphany that television has become raunchy, but isn’t sure when it started.

Whatever year that lady leaked bowel movements on the floor and stairs of the house that Flavor Flav was pretending was his. Or the one where Danny Bonaduce went crazy and relapsed on-camera. Whichever came first.

---

Is Heroes being cancelled?

So?

---

In just over four hours, the weekend will officially start. I’m hoping to make at least one of Dog Court’s two shows on Sunday (I highly recommend that you do, too).

Happy Friday afternoon!