Archive for October 31st, 2009

Frankenberry Stool…

31st October
2009
written by jed

…is an actual medical condition. It’s on page 28 of today’s Post. More on that later.

Also, any kids in the Windsor Terrace or Park Slope area that want the candy that my wife and don’t like, there’s puh-lenty of chocolate Laffy Taffy and candy corn to be had.

The Baby Ruths (Babies Ruth?) are mine.

(cocks shotgun)

Derek Jeter all snazzed up as he enters Penn Station to board the team’s Philly-bound train? Front page news!

The sub-head of DRESSED TO KILL (which is, ironically, above the headline today) is Spiffy Jeter leads Bombers’ Amtrak charge into Philly, which makes me laugh. When the Phillies took the train into NY, the implication was “look at how crappy they are; they can’t even afford plane tickets!” But when the Yankees take the train into Philly, it’s an Amtrak charge.

Which might be the only time in history that the New York Post says something complimentary about Amtrak.

Standard Time! Standard Time! Bonus hour! Bonus hour!

At 2:00 a.m. tonight (well, technically, tomorrow morning), time will freeze for an entire hour. If you are holding onto the stopwatch, you’ll be able to move fearlessly through the world, stealing money and copping feels.

Jeez, the Working Families Party just can’t catch a break!

Either they’re fixing elections in incredibly sloppy ways or the Post is trying to fix elections by helping to slander legitimate candidates for their affiliation to an organization that helps the less-than-wealthy and is gaining political momentum.

(my guess is that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the ACORN)

A half-page full-color (what do you mean by “full-color”?) photograph of Madonna and some African orphans. I’ll let the caption describe what made me and the wife laugh out loud this morning.

“Waving a bottle of hand sanitizer, Madonna bids a bizarre farewell to children at the Home of Hope orphanage in Malawi. She got her hands dirty a day earlier, planting a sapling to mark the groundbreaking of her charity’s school for girls.”

I found the photo online.

Oh, Madge. You bony-armed, drag-queen-lookin’, non-orphaned-baby-stealin’, Kabbalah-believin’ shadow of your former self. Whatever will you do next?

Fred Grout, 42, of Dallas, Texas has built a replica of the Batmobile from the 1960’s Batman TV show. He built the body out of fiberglass and attached it to the frame of a 1970 Lincoln Continental. And the car’s rear jet actually spits fire.

It was put on eBay, but Fred refused a bid of $30,152 because he thought it was “too low.”

And anyone that considers paying more is too high.

Move over, Andrew Kelly! There’s a new cop who killed a woman while driving drunk! He’s Detective Kevin Spellman, 42, and he spent six hours in a bar (12:00 a.m. – 6:00 a.m.) before driving his U.S. Marshal-issued Chevy down Kingsbridge Avenue. To his credit, he immediately stopped his car and tried to help the woman (Drane Nikac, 67) while asking passers-by to call 911. Not to his credit, just like Andy, he refused to take a Breathalyzer test, so he had his blood taken 5 1/2 hours after the accident (Andy waited seven hours and got free gum from a pal!).

What’s awful is that Spellman sounds like a great cop and someone who, until yesterday morning, was worthy of our thanks and praise. Then he drove drunk and killed someone.

Is Todd Venezia a Phillies fan (sorry, phan)?

A-Rod seems to finally be OK with himself. The Post stopped running his photos on the cover of their “newspaper” while accusing him of being a fey egotist and A-Rod started dating someone in his own generation and had remarkable ALDS and ALCS series. Sure he’s had a weak (OK, non-existent) showing in the World Series, but two off-nights is not the end of the world and he may (re-)shock the world starting tonight.

So why did Todd feel the need to submit the page 7 sidebar A-Rod art hung like horse: ex for today’s paper?

“A-Rod — half man, half horse’s behind. The Yankees slugger is reportedly such an egomaniac that he placed pictures of himself depicted as a centaur — a mythical creature who is half-man, half-horse — over his bed, an ex-girlfriend said. ‘He was so vain,’ the unidentified A-Rod lover tild Us Weekly. ‘He had not one but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur.’”

There’s more, but A-Rod is a frequent reader of my blog, so I’ll stop there.

If A-Rod chokes tonight, it’s on you, Venezia.

Dominic Carter (BDD) has been suspended from NY1 and it sounds like his “indefinite leave” has become definitive. On December 11, 2008, he was in court facing assault charges (this time he was accused of punching, kicking and choking his wife, Marilyn) and he asked Judge Arnold Etelson if he would throw out the case against him.

“My wife was profiled last month in Oprah Winfrey’s magazine. I’ve appeared on the cover of The New York Times and TV Guide. This is not fair. I covered the state attorney general [Andrew Cuomo] and chief judge of the court of the state of New York. Judith Kaye is a personal friend of mine. Bob Morgenthau is a personal friend of mine.” BDD continued, “I travel constantly. My schedule does not permit for [counseling]. I didn’t do anything wrong, so I shouldn’t be mandated by the court to do anything. My political enemies, if they get [word] of this, it will end up in the Daily News.”

The NY1 General Manager (Steve Paulus) referred to Carter’s pleas as a violation of “every principal of journalism” and that “clearly, that kind of behavior is… something we would not tolerate.”

Maybe BDD could go into teaching. If he wound up working at the same school as White Dan Dunford, every day would be a sitcom littered with double-takes!

Skip this one, Teresa.

NASA plans of exposing “18 to 28 squirrel monkeys” to “low doses” of radiation in order to gauge its effect on human astronauts. This will be the first time in decades that NASA uses monkeys in experiments like these…

…unless Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt can stop them.

I’m still angry at Obama for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he’s overturning the 1987 ban that prevents people with AIDS from entering the United States… it makes me feel good, but then it makes me feel nauseous because I can already hear people using it as another example of how our Socialist Overlord is making our country less safe.

The woman who is charged (with her boyfriend) of “pummeling” her 4-year-old son to death (over a two-day period) will be allowed to leave prison to attend a private wake for him.

I have a feeling that there will be a lot of yelling. A lot. Maybe even some pummeling.

Teresa, remove Southwest Airlines from the list. They’ve earned a reprieve.

A 2-year-old on a flight from San Jose, California to Amarillo, Texas kept shouting “Go, plane, go!” and “I want Daddy!” as it taxied on the runway. His mother (Pamela Root, 38) said that she was confident that her son’s ear-splitting shrieks would have ended once the plane was in the air, but we’ll never know.

The plane went back to the gate and the mother and child were escorted off.

Pamela is now suing Southwest for the cost of the portable crib and diapers she was forced to buy (oh, and an apology — she demands an official apology, too).

And, until the airline gives her what she wants, she’ll be standing outside their corporate headquarters screaming, “Apologize, Southwest, apologize!” and “I want reimbursement!”

Sounds like Bernie Kerik is cracking under the pressure of living in the pokey. A jailhouse shrink says he’s exhibiting psychiatric “symptoms” and should be considered “at risk.”

Sources claim that Kerik “can’t stand humiliation” and that jail may push him to cross the thin blue line in his wrist with a whittled-down toothbrush.

In my mind, Rudy 9iu11ani scoffs at the idea. “Thewithide? Thatht’s ridiculuth,” he says through horse teeth and then he calls the cousin he married and they make plans for an awkward get-together.

Jon Gosselin is being counseled by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Shmuley told Jon to leave his girlfriend (the daughter of his wife’s plastic surgeon). Jon will give a speech (about that and a great many other things that have a lot to do with Judaism, I’m sure) at the West Side Synagogue at 7:00 p.m. tomorrow (thereby proving the non-existence of God).

Says the Rabbi, “Jon will either be remembered as a man who cheats on his wife and is intoxicated by fame, or a man who has fought to redeem himself.”

Are those really our only two options, Shmuley? What about everyone not remembering him at all. Can we swing that in, say, a year’s time? If he stops being allowed to give speeches at synagogues?

More 9iu11ani news — this time in reality!

He’s been stumping for Chris Christie in New Jersey. If Corzine beats Christie, they’ll most likely credit Chris Daggett (an Independent challenger) will stealing away just enough of Christie’s votes to make a difference in the outcome. Daggett told a reporter, “I don’t know why he’s coming into New Jersey and trying to tell us how to run our state.”

Rudy responded, “I feel very welcome [in New Jersey]. I understand one of your candidates told me to go home. Nobody should vote for him, there’s no chance of winning.” He later referred again to Daggett as that “third-party candidate who nobody should vote for.”

I wish I could vote for Daggett.

I wish I could vote for James Van Bramer.

Angelo Maragos has a half-page ad that proclaims Angelo Maragos is telling the truth and lists three horrible things about his opponent, James Van Bramer.

The first two allege that JVB falsified documents to make it look like he lives in Manhattan (but he really lives in Long Island City!) and that he claims to be endorsed by the Daily News and New York Times (but they haven’t endorsed anyone in this race!). The third horrible thing?

“Bramer is endorsed by ACORN.

FACT: ACORN is so corrupt that the US Congress identified them as a criminal enterprise involved in election fraud, and voted to stop funding them”

Next to the list is a drawing of a smiling squirrel holding an acorn and the headline Meanwhile, Bramer is still squirreling away ACORNs

What does that even mean? That JVB is hiding criminal organizations to eat when it gets really cold outside?

Somewhere up in Heaven, Charles Darwin is grabbing someone and shouting, “See? See? Nature is telling you something! Stop fighting it! Let the herd be thinned!” and pointing at the latest FDA warning. This one says that a number of people wearing MedicAlert necklaces are getting them caught on things as they fall down and that old folks who wear the necklace should ask their doctors whether or not they should switch to the bracelet.

This makes me wonder if I should stop production of my new line of MedicAlert devices inspired by America’s favorite games you can play on paper. The Tic Tac Toe Choe-ker and Hangman Noose-lace had such promise.

Sigh.

You’re gonna need a smaller boat. This one is way too big to catch a shark with.

The Oasis of the Seas weighs 225,282 tons. It has room for a crew of 2,165 plus 6,296 guests.It’s 1,187 feet long (that’s 10 feet more than the Chrysler Building’s height).

If it ever capsizes, will the Post feel guilty for referring to it as the World’s most titanic cruise ship?

Anna Nicole Smith’s creepy “lawyer” and “boyfriend” and “enabler” will stand trial (along with two of ANS’s “doctors”) for “fueling her addiction to prescription drugs.”

Whatever happened to her ugly assistant? The one who had a monster crush on her? Kim? Was that her name?

She should totally testify and stuff.

Evan Dukofsky of Riverdale writes in to tell Andrea Peyser that “[Her] comments on alcoholism and substance abuse are terribly ignorant.”

Which makes me wonder if Evan has ever read any of Andrea’s comments on anything besides alcoholism and substance abuse.

Regurgitate Male Reproductive Organs (sorry, Ralph Peters) declares that “The Obama administration’s [sic] un-American attempt to vilify Fox News only increased the network’s popularity.”

Then he goes on to kick and scream about “a global leftwing [sic] assault on the freedom of information.”

He also proclaims that “The American media elected Obama. No presidential candidate’s past ever went so deliberately underexposed.”

It made me think of this clip from a recent episode of The Daily Show. Fox News is such a farce.

If you have 11 minutes, click here and enjoy.

Finally! Page 28!

In 1972, the University of Maryland Medical School addressed “a benign medical condition” wherein the inability of some children to “break down the heavily dyed breakfast foods” caused their bowel movements to change color.

They called this condition “Frankenberry Stool” and while I have never eaten Frankenberry, I do remember the childhood joy of eating Boo Berry and seeing bright green leavings later that day.

I may buy a box of Frankenberry the next time I’m at Target. Just to see what magical change occurs in my guttyworks.

Hey, Dan Aquilante, fan of music and hyperbole, what’s just about the worst idea ever conceived?

“The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just about the worst idea ever conceived — turning music’s most vibrant, muscular form into dusty museum fodder.”

Thanks, Dan!

(holds up lighter)

The phans of the Philadelphia Phillies can really be phucking assholes.

Jorge Posada’s father attended a Yankees-Phillies game in 2006 — and had beer poured over his head.

“They are an interesting group of people,” Jorge said of the mouth-breathers that hang around outside Pat’s so that they can look at passing tushies and high-five each other, before setting fire to one of their city’s seemingly endless supply of abandoned warehouses. “They go personal here,” added Xavier Nady, who used to play baseball.

But it’s David Wells, who’s been writing mini-editorials for the Post while the World Series is going on, who says it best. “I put Philadelphia, Cleveland and Oakland atop my list for the worst fans in baseball, with Philadelphia No. 1.”

He tells of a TBS broadcast he did in Philly earlier this postseason (with Cal Ripken Jr., Dennis Eckersley and Ernie Johnson) where Phillies phans would walk by and call Wells “you fat piece of shit” or shout “Ernie Johnson sucks” and “Tell Cal he’s gay.”

“It’s not Brotherly Love in that town — it’s Brotherly Hate.”

Philadelphia is Hamsterdam.

Guess who Phillies manager Charlie Manuel is talking about here:

“He’s a lot like anybody else who ages — his stuff is kind of starting to dwindle down.”

Did you guess Cole Hamels? Me, too! But he’s actually referring to the man who just surpassed John Smoltz with 16 wins in the postseason, Andy Pettitte.

“I’ve seen [Andy] pitch on TV a lot, and I’ve definitely seen him pitch against our Cleveland team. We used to have some pretty good success against him, and I think we are ready for him,” Manuel continued.

Andy, now you have to win. And not just win — you have to dominate. You have to make this jackass (who won’t start Lee in Game 4!) eat his poorly chosen words.

The man he chose to start Game 4? Joe Blanton. Who is 0-3 with an 8.18 ERA against the Yankees in his four starts against them.

“As a player, it makes you feel good,” Blanton said. “It makes you feel like [Manuel's] really got your back… It makes you feel good about you and about him trusting you.”

That’s beautiful, Joe.

Yankees in 6 (with us winning Game 4).

Dennis Hopper, 73, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

I think he’ll be around for a while yet. He’s a fighter, that one.

VH1 is proud to announce the start of I Want to Work for Diddy 2 this Monday. What happened to the two people who won I Want to Work for Diddy 1? They won’t say. But maybe one of them took the rap for a club shooting that Diddy committed and the other one is still looking for Diddy’s missing ring?

Less than two hours to Game 3.

Hold my calls.

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