Archive for October, 2009
Last night was absolutely amazing. Not only did my old pal Don Hall come through with tickets for us (in the fifth row!), but I don’t remember having laughed that hard (for almost two and a half solid hours) for a while. Adam Felber, Paula Poundstone and Mo Rocca were all brilliant and Brian Williams reminded everyone why he’s the Last Great Hope of TV News (patent pending). Sadly, Don wasn’t at the show (don’t worry, Don – they still said your name loud and proud from the Carnegie Hall stage at the show’s end), but when next our paths cross, I’m getting that bad boy mad drizzunk.
Sadly, our pre-show dinner at Good Enough To Eat was surprisingly sub-par. Teresa’s cheese plate was adorned with unwashed, rotten grapes (and possibly a rotten cheese) and the service has gotten comically weak (three requests and six minutes later, I had a knife to eat my meal with!). I’m sorry that the place we fell in love with isn’t there anymore (though, at those prices, they’re doing us a favor by not being jaw-droppingly awesome).
Thankfully, once Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! began, we were in Heaven (though the woman sitting next to Teresa should have warsh’d her ass before she arrived – and put away her BlackBerry once the show started).
Dinner: C+
Show: A+
Using an expired Metro-North ticket to get to Hartsdale: A (the show trumped everything else)
Watching Maury with my father the following morning: Priceless
Mark Teixeira: Worth every penny.
CC Sabathia: Worth every penny.
Andy Pettitte: A bargain at twice the price.
A.J. Burnett: Gave up 4 runs in the first inning of last night’s 7-6 loss (nice guy, though).
The Yankees will play Game 6 in the Bronx on Saturday night (although the early weather report says rain).
Today’s headline, featuring a photo of Alex Rodriguez, is WAIT OF THE WORLD.
See what they did there?
If Bill Thompson adds every “Undecided” voter (5%) and every “Other” voter (7%) to his supporters (36%), he’ll still fall 4% short of matching Mike Bloomberg (52%).
And all it cost Bloomberg (this time around) was $100,000,000 in campaign ads.
A judge has ruled that five years of stalling is enough and that Liza Minnelli will have to take the stand in the $100,000,000 sexual-harassment suit filed against her by her driver, M’Hammed Soumayah.
Planning a run for mayor, M’Hammed?
A girl (between 14 and 17) was found near the Port Authority. She has no ID and no memory of who she is. Her fingerprints have no matches in any police database. The only real clue to her identity is the fact that she can recite part of the Robin Hobb novel Fool’s Fate (part 3 of a trilogy).
Which isn’t a very good clue.
But it makes me think of what a great ad campaign this would be for Mr. (Ms.?) Cobb’s trilogy. “So good, you’ll forget who you are.” “I can’t remember loving another book this much… or who I am.” “Do you have a strong enough sense of self to read these books?””If you put your name on the inside flap of only one book this year… make it this one!”
Pepsi finally got around to junking that iPhone application that stereotyped all of the women of the world.
At least they aren’t making their cans slightly smaller and claiming that that makes them healthier.
Paterson has no intention of being re-elected.
First, he declared that Obama’s slashing of Wall Street bonuses will cost New York State $1,000,000,000. Then his Budget Division relented and admitted that they couldn’t back up that claim. Those who actually did the math claim that (maybe) tens of millions will be lost in income taxes. But definitely nowhere near $1,000,000,000.
Then, Governor Magoo realized that there might still be some people considering voting for him, so he announced that every New York resident with a license plate will not only have to buy a brand new one (by April 1st!), but the price has gone up from $15 to $25.
Anyone left?
Madonna will return to Malawi to lay the foundation stone of the $15,000,000 girls school she’s building (take that, Oprah!). It is estimated that over 1,000,000 Malawian children have been orphaned by an AIDS epidemic. But Madonna didn’t like any of those children (Editor’s Note: what do you mean by those children?), so she adopted ones with at least one living parent.
And she did it all with a stunningly bad English accent.
And you thought it was hard getting New Yorkers to vote…
The Board of Elections has used up all of their budget for the November 3rd election and will have no way to pay the poll workers they need to man the polling places.
Executive Director Marcus Cederqvist warned prospective election workers, “if they chose to provide any service to the voters of the city, they do so at their own financial risk.”
No idea why the first half of that sentence is in the past tense and the second is in the present, but let’s assume it’s the Post’s fault.
Russia’s richest man (and soon to be owner of the New Jersey Nets [I wonder if, like the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, they’ll be the New Jersey Nets of Brooklyn, New York]) had lunch with seven friends at Nello on the Upper East Side. The bill came to $15,007.87. For lunch.
What a country!
Bloomberg is considering charging television shows and movie productions $3,200 to shoot in city-owned buildings. The estimated haul per year?
$272,000.
But what about the low-budget productions? The ones for whom $3,200 is enough money to make them shoot somewhere else?
In all seriousness, Bloomberg could whip out his checkbook and give The Mayor’s Office of Film, Theatre and Broadcasting ten times as much without thinking twice – and without alienating independent productions. Again, Mayor Mike has spent/will spend a total of $100,000,000 on his latest campaign.
Instead of mailing me (and, I’m assuming, every other New Yorker) a flyer a week (which his campaign has done for the last few MONTHS), Mike could have done some actual good for the city (which, unlike his flyers, might have convinced me to vote for him).
Everyone Seeking Philanderous Nookie?
ESPN’s senior marketing vice president and the vice president of programming are also having a steamy affair.
Except (are you sitting down?) NEITHER ONE OF THEM IS MARRIED TO ANYONE.
Despicable.
Jamal Blair, 18, fired a gun the other night. Just once.
The bullet travelled down East 224th Street, through the window of a domicile, and into the leg and lungs of 92-year-old Sadie Mitchell. She died shortly thereafter.
Jamal’s defense is that there was a “ruckus” that was “bugging” him, so he fired a “warning shot.”
“It was an accident,” Jamal insisted.
Then Jamal left police custody.
“I didn’t do it. I was framed by the police. The police did it, they framed me, man. No justice.”
Please take the bait, Fat Al.
Up to 65,000 Time Warner Cable computer routers have flaws that could allow hackers to record customers’ Web cam and Wi-Fi activities.
Well, at least Time Warner Cable isn’t comically expensive.
Hey, Bloomingdale’s? I applaud your raising money for The Breast Cancer Research Foundation. But is GIVE PINK, GET MORE really the best name you could come up with for the promotion?
I may sue them, as their campaign is eerily similar to my joint venture with The Celibacy Foundation, GIVE PINK, GET HEPATITIS B.
Ridley Scott is preparing his next movie that I won’t see: Gucci.
Lee Daniels is preparing his next movie, too: Miss Saigon.
Sadly, I’m not kidding about either of these “projects.”
How desperate am I for a job? I am considering applying to be one of Charmin’s Times Square bathroom attendants this year.
It pays $2,000 a week for 5 weeks. And all the horrible smells you can handle!
Julie Andrews lost her singing voice in 1997.
She’ll undergo surgery soon in the hopes of regaining it.
Godspeed, Ms. Poppins.
Yesterday, I reported that Lil Wayne wanted the DNA evidence connecting him to the gun he tried to hide to be thrown out of court.
Today, I report that he has entered a guilty plea for gun possession.
He has agreed to spend a year in prison.
I think I may have to hire some child molesters to open a pizzeria for me. It really must be as good as I’ve heard — even Lil Wayne wants some!
Megan Zacher, 25, entered a “Shake It Like Shakira” contest at Calico Jack’s Cantina on East 42nd.
She danced on the bar. She fell off. She shredded her knee ligaments. She sued the bar, saying that they should have known that Shakira’s dance moves were “dangerous and likely to cause injury.”
A judge just threw the case out of court.
I guess Megan’s hips lied.
Hey, Dick Cheney? Seriously. Shut the fuck up. And get in Cindy’s box.
You heard me.
Westword, a newspaper in Denver, Colorado, is looking for a new employee – to review medical marijuana.
Requirements include submitting an essay titled “What marijuana means to me” and knowing 100 different ways to say “awesome.”
John Travolta’s Bahamian extortion trial has ended in a mistrial. So Travolta wants to move it to the United States.
Because America’s justice system is much better than the Bahamas’.
Bill O’Reilly’s latest comedy of errors is My Advice for Barack wherein he suggests replacing Rahm Emanuel with… Bill O’Reilly.
If it would keep him off the TV and out of the Post, I wholeheartedly agree.
Newsday (they’re still around?) will now charge non-subscribers $5 a week to access their website.
Let me know how that works out for you, Newsday!
(I say they cease publication by March 2010)
The American Booksellers Association is asking the Department of Justice to look into the recent “price war” begun by Amazon, Walmart and Target. They assert that their hefty price cuts “constitute illegal predatory pricing that is damaging to the book industry and harmful to consumers.”
Speaking of which, Stephen King’s new e-book will cost $35.00. But, yeah, Target selling a book for $9.99 is harmful to consumers.
Shouldn’t a book that only exists in cyberspace be cheaper than one that you actually have to manufacture and ship?
I can’t believe I just took Walmart’s side.
Shrek: The Musical For Some Reason will close on January 3rd. So, if you want to see a musical 3-D interpretation of Eddie Murphy’s interpretation of a fating donkey, hurry up!
V.A. Musetto gives Lars von Trier’s Antichrist three and a half stars. $20 says Charlotte Gainsbourg shows her tits.
Let’s see what movies Pete Hammond likes!
“’Amelia’ simply soars. Grand entertainment in the best tradition of the movies.”
(Lou Lumenick’s review is titled 1st-class seat to dullsville)
“’(Untitled)’ has style, laughs and attitude. The ensemble cast is just terrific.”
(Kyle Smith gives it one star)
Thanks for the {whatever the opposite of tips are}, Pete!
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has been fired from Melrose Place. I’m just sorry that I am aware of the existence of both of those things.
Hulu will begin charging for its intermittently buffering re-runs, possibly at the start of 2010.
What a fantastic idea! It can’t lose! Or backfire!
I just remembered that Real Time with Bill Maher is over for the year. Boo.
And that will do that.
I wrote this this morning, by the by, but can no longer get online with my laptop (in Hartsdale).
But I’m home now! And it’s the weekend! Huzzah!
Have to pick up paperwork, salad dressing, sneakers, prescriptions, and a few other things, too. My father is having (very minor) surgery tonight and I am heading up to Hartsdale to keep him company until Mom gets home from work.
My friend Don will NOT be coming in today, as he was held at the last minute in Chicago. He may fly in before year’s end; I hope we can meet up then.
But let’s get right into the nitty-gritty, shall we?
STEVE’S LUST doesn’t strike me as a pun, so I don’t understand why it’s the front-page headline (Why not PHILLANDERER or RAGING BROOKE or THE UGLY FUCKLING?). The two page spread inside discusses the mistress’ Path from vid geek to superfreak, the Craigslist ad she placed (she wanted a woman to call Phillips’ wife [posing as a fellow ESPN employee] and break the news of her husband’s affair) — complete with the script she wanted the person to read (my favorite part is the stage direction “(pause and act like this is really hard)” which is also what he said [rimshot]), and Phillips’ admission of the affair.
Which he says lasted three days. Which means either Steve is {whatever the opposite of exaggerating is} or Brooke is cuh-RAY-zee. Or both.
ESPN has granted Phillips’ request for a leave of absence. Oddly enough, Brooke still works there.
The Post claimed that the online version of the story had more photos, so I looked. Brooke Hundley has some ugly photos of herself, but also some ver flattering ones. There’s no timeline, so I’m not sure what she currently looks like, but the readers comments were uniformly cruel (“if you’re gonna cheat, do it with someone prettier than your wife, not a DOG!!!”).
Memo to self: never look at the Post online.
The MTA which, despite hemorrhaging money, is considering an “off-peak” fare for nights and weekends. It will begin when the new Smart Cards take effect.
1) How is the weekend “off-peak”?
2) Stop with the Smart Cards.
3) Since most of the subway stops near us on the F line are closed on the weekends, the MTA has replaced the trains with shuttle buses that travel from train station to train station. It’s a fast way to get around (there’s a shuttle bus every few minutes). One question, though: Why aren’t you charging passengers anything to ride? They’d pay for the train, you’re replacing the train (and hemorrhaging money), ergo they should be charged to ride.
4) I hate the MTA.
Senate Minority Leader Dean Skelos (R-LI) is demanding that Paterson stop flirting with his 18% tax on sugary drinks.
What’s wrong, Dean? Jealous?
A Delta flight from JFK to Heathrow was grounded after a mouse was spotted running through the cabin.
Teresa, cross Delta off the list.
Holy shit! On May 15th, 2008, someone strangled a woman to death in the back of the Eden Dry Cleaners and Laundry on Tenth Avenue in Windsor Terrace.
That’s um, down the block from us.
We moved in a couple months after the incident.
Damn.
The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton has done it again.
In 2007, Megan Williams (20 at the time) claimed she was held captive in a trailer by seven White people who beat her, raped her, scalded her, and taunted her with racial epithets. When the story first broke, Fat Al scrambled down to West Virginia and demanded that the police indict the seven alleged attackers. The local NAACP urged caution. Fat Al urged action. The indictments were made.
All seven of her attackers pleaded guilty and are serving time in prison. Except now Williams, who is “developmentally challenged,” claims that her mother made her make up the original allegations and insists that the attacks never happened.
This is an ugly story filled with ugly people doing (or possibly not doing) ugly things, but Fat Al’s involvement only made matters worse.
The woman known as “New York’s most famous nurse-midwife” is being sued for gross negligence.
Carla Muhlhahn (featured [along with Ricki Lake's bathing suit area] in the documentary The Business of Being Born) was handling the labor and delivery of a couple on the Upper West Side. The baby was strangled by its umbilical cord. The parents claim that, had they been at a ospital, the baby would have lived.
It will be interesting to watch this case and see if it has any ramifications for midwives and how they conduct their business. And, unlike the documentary, I wont see any children popping out of Ricki Lake.
It took less than a month.
Andrea Peyser’s “David Letterman Countdown Clock” is no longer appearing on her twice-weekly page of idiocy.
In its place (today, anyway) is JUST LAUGHABLE, DAVE, which chronicles how the National Organization of Women President Terry O’Neill asked for a sit-down with CBS’ higher-ups to discuss Letterman’s “toxic” workplace environment. The mini-piece begins with “I guess some of David Letterman’s best pals are Eskimos, too.” This is never explained.
What is explained is that Worldwide Pants’ Rob Burnett responded to Terry with a list of all of the women who have worked with Dave over the last 25 years. He also explained that HR interviewed every single member of his staff and, after 29 years in the business, he has never been accused of sexual harassment.
For some reason, this infuriates Andrea Peyser.
Other highlights include referring to the New York Times as the Taliban Times (hilarious!), claiming that Richard Heene’s recent antics “may well murder reality TV” (erroneous!), and how Steve Phillips “would really be in trouble if the sex [with Brooke Hundley] was good” (someone send this to Terry O’Neill immediately!).
Newest Hollywood couple that must not be allowed to breed: Gerard Butler and Jessica Simpson.
If enough monkeys are working at enough typewriters, one of them will eventually write an article that restores a semblance of faith in the American justice system.
Terrance Breazil has been (re-)convicted of murder. His retrial did not end in his favor.
(waves miniature flag with “JUSTICE” written on it)
Lil Wayne wants the touch DNA testing that links him to the loaded weapon found on his tour bus (the billowing marijuana smoke wafting out of it alerted police and when they approached the bus, Lil Wayne threw away a Louis Vuitton bag — containing the gun that isn’t his) to be thrown out of court.
Good luck with that, Lil.
And they said it might last, it might not last, but please don’t make us think of them having sex.
Rosie O’Donnell and Kelli Carpenter may be getting a divorce. Kelli has moved out of their home and Rosie is writing lowercase nonsense on her blog (“marriage is hard”).
This is why gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married.
I’m totally kidding. Gays should definitely be allowed to get married. But Rosie shouldn’t be allowed to blog.
Bernie Kerik has refused to be separated from the general population of the jail he now lives in.
Presumably because he wants some of that child molester pizza he’s heard so much about.
That guru guy, James Ray? I have a feeling he’s going away for a very very long time.
People are starting to come out of the woodwork to tell horror stories about his retreats.
Oprah, you got some ’splainin’ to do…
How odd that the Post never ran a single piece on the recent discovery of Ardipithecus ramidus, but there’s a nice big article about how the recently-discovered fossil known as “Ida” is not related to apes, humans or monkeys.
They neglect, however, to mention that Ida is 47,000,000 years old.
Know your audience, as they say.
I just realized… did the Post finally decide that Dick “I enjoy the urine of prostitutes” Morris is no longer worthy of editorial space? Haven’t seen him in a while.
(that is NOT a complaint)
The Galleon Group appears to be sinking.
What a waste of a perfectly awful rap song.
Loads more on Steve Phillips’ affair. Everybody loves a nut describes Brooke Hundley as “a full plate of nuts. Crazy pants. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”
Her letter to Marni Phillips is also broken down and “translated” by Raakhee Mirchandani (gesundheit). Here’s the first and best example:
“Hi Marni”
Translation: Hey, chump!
With a dry cool wit like that, Raakhee has a future in… um… yeah.
Armond White is the Chairman of the New York Film Critics Circle? Are you kidding me?
Fox is announcing that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will be a part of their World Series coverage.
This will not end well.
Joe Torre will not be managing in this year’s World Series. Sorry, Joe.
Lifetime has pulled a Wife Swap episode featuring the Heene Family.
Take that, Dick!
Sam Jones III played Pete Ross on Smallville. He was just busted by the feds for trying to buy and distribute over 10,000 oxycodone pills. That’s five times as much as the guy from Big Brother!
Super, man!
Have to go to Carnegie Hall now and see if my tickets are actually there. Will I miss part of Game 5 tonight? Hopefully.
And hopefully there won’t be a Game 6.
The weekend is near, kids!
What a game. The Yankees won 10-1, sure, but the real story is how astonishingly incompetent the officiating was. An umpire’s job is really not that hard. And yet… throughout the playoffs there have been jaw-droppingly bad calls (Mauer’s ball was fair, Swisher didn’t leave early, Posada and Cano were both out at third, etc.). I know that Instant Replay in MLB would expand playoff games to 8 or 9 hour affairs, but at this point, I see no other option. Besides hiring younger umps with perfect vision.
But there’ll be plenty of time for sports later. Let’s get to the “real” “news” first.
Poor Steve Phillips of ESPN. He had an affair (which the Post describes as steamy) with a production aide (Brooke Hundley). When he eventually dumped her, Brooke left a letter for Mrs. Steve Phillips. The letter is heartfelt and is far calmer than I had imagined (the only really sordid excerpt is “…and to top it off, Steve has a big birthmark on his crotch right above his penis and one on his left inner thigh, so you know I’m not being fake.”).
You may remember Steve Phillips as the GM of the New York Mets (1997-2003) who left his job in 1988 to “deal with the allegation” of sexual harassment, then returned to the team and settled the suit against him for a sizeable chunk of change (he also admitted to numerous other affairs, much to his wife and FOUR KIDS’ delight).
Two months ago, Steve deeded his giant Connecticut home to his wife. Now, she wants a divorce.
Poor Steve Phillips.
Attorney Joseph “Taco Penis” Tacopina is confident that his client, Hiram Monserrate, “is not going to be removed” from his seat in the state Senate.
Let’s hope he’s wrong.
Whycome the MTA has such fucked up budgets? Because they keep three sets of books! Three contradictory, don’t-add-up-on-their-own-let-alone-against-each-other books!
“Three sets of reports each provide partial information. And one set often contains contradictory information from the agency and its consultants,” claims a new report from the Citizens Budget Commission.
That’s why the Fulton Street Hub that the MTA has been working on will come in at around 90% more than the original budget.
And people are actually encouraging these idiots to completely change the MetroCard system into Smart Cards?
I sincerely doubt that they’re using the definition of “smart” that you assume they’re using.
According to newly filed court papers, Bernie Madoff “sleeps in the lower bunk and he eats pizza cooked by an inmate convicted of child molestation.”
1) That fucker gets pizza?
2) They couldn’t find him a cellmate doing time for molesting old men?
3) Child molesters make phenomenal pizza (the dough is always perfectly kneaded).
The papers also say that, for years, Bernie did a lot of cocaine. Which he bought with his clients’ money.
He hasn’t been shanked yet… why?
I’m not saying that it’s difficult to tell who’s who in the page 3 photo of Lindsay Lohan and Donatella Versace. I’m just saying that it’s more difficult than it should be.
Here’s another reason 9iu11ani won’t be running for governor: Bernard Kerikjust had his bail revoked and is spending some time in the pokey. He has been accused of leaking sensitive court documents to a lawyer who then leaked them to a newspaper and a number of blogs.
“I have a serious concern and believe there is probable cause to believe that Mr. Kerik, given his own devices, will deliberately obstruct justice in this matter. My fear, however, is that he has a toxic combination of self-minded focus and arrogance. And I fear that that confidence leads him to believe that the ends justify the means, that the rules that apply to all don’t necessarily apply to him in the same way,” proclaimed US District Judge Stephen Robinson.
He gets that from Rudy.
The New Jersey Nets are now renting out some of its players in the hopes that it will help sell tickets. For $25,000, you can get 4 courtside seats to 10 games, food and drinks and a one-hour house call from a Net (he “will spend an hour shaking hands, signing autographs and taking pictures”).
“Your Ticket to a Player” (as the team is referring to the promotion) might seem desperate, but it pales in comparison to their “Match-Up” promotion, which offered fans a reversible jersey featuring their favorite Net on one side and an opponent on the other.
Which is still not as bad as the “Free Reading Material” promotion that promised fans “something interesting to look at while the Nets play basketball.”
72% of voters want to vote for someone other than Paterson. Statewide, his “favorable impression” numbers slipped down to 27%.
Good thing he’s blind!
In other Blame Obama news, the Post claims that Bill Thompson is furious that Obama didn’t speak highly enough about him at last night’s rally in Manhattan.
Thompson’s spokesman’s reaction: “That is a complete mischaracterization of what took place. He was very happy with the president’s words and the president’s speech.”
“And,” he later added, “the president’s talk-noise and the president’s choice of nouns.”
Michael Goodwin implies that Nadya “Octomom” Suleman is trying to get a date with Jon “Douchebag” Gosselin.
He also asks that, after Monserrate, Sens. Schumer and Gillibrand go after Rangel.
I’d still prefer Espada, but will settle for Raspy-C (Rangel’s rap name).
Guy finds spot near South Street Seaport. Guy tries to pull in. Man stands in front of car and declares it belongs to someone on their way. Guy in car demands the other guy move so that he can park his car, which is actually there. Other guy doesn’t move. Guy in car drives into him. Other guy falls down, gets up, starts complaining. Guy in car hits him again, harder, driving over his foot.
Other guy is now suing for $5,000,000.
And now I know what I’m doing later today.
(puts on especially thick boots)
Add to the list of adjectives used to describe Glenn Beck “coward.”
Guess who now travels with an armed guard. Go on, guess.
He went to see Memphis last night on Broadway and was accompanied everywhere (even the men’s room!) by a gun-toting hulk. Then, once he was safe in his limo and sure that no one could hold him accountable for what he blubbered on the TV box, he Twatted about the show, “Amazing cast & music. 2 songs abt Hope & Change. rlly? Only 2?”
Stupid Mormon.
According to Page Six (today on page 14), Salman Rushdie is angry at his ex (Pia Glenn) for telling the Post that he still holds a candle for Padma Lakshmi. Said Salman, “The reason I broke up with Pia Glenn is that I came to feel that she’s an unstable person who carries around a large, radioactive bucket of stress wherever she goes. It was just exhausting to deal with.”
And that’s coming from a guy who was fatwa’d!
Great photo of Ben Affleck reading The Post. His furrowed brow and biting of his lower lip make it seem like he’s experiencing some difficulty.
The Swiss have denied Roman Polanski bail. They say that he presents a flight risk.
Well, duh.
I predict that his most recent film, The Ghost, won’t be released until Roman is one.
Cindy Adams asks, “If your foot falls asleep during the day, does that mean it will be up all night?” and I reply, “Get in the box.”
How many teenagers have to be arrested for planning “a Columbine-like attack” on their high school before the next person planning one gets careful? Someone (15, name withheld) was just arrested for planning an attack on Monroe-Woodbury High School in Orange County next April 20th. He had stockpiled gasoline, propane, a machete and some fuses.
Let’s hope the police continue to luck out like this forever.
Two Manhattan lawyers are putting up $1,000,000 in cash so that the guy who choked bouncer to death can be free on bail. And the defendant will stay at a posh place in the Hamptons while under “house arrest.”
The bouncer’s widow must be thrilled.
Dick Heene’s mail-order wife just lawyered up! She now says she was a “slave” who was consistently abused by her husband.
I wonder what she’ll wear on Oprah…
That guy who was arrested for attempting to share classified info with Israel? He worked on Reagan’s magical space shield (SDI).
Again, thank God the FBI caught him before he had a chance to teach other nations how to waste ungodly sums of money on absolutely nothing.
Alonzo Monk, 51, former aide to Rod Bluh-GIY-uh-vitch (nice lady), had pleaded guilty to corruption charges. He will now cooperate with the feds and guarantee that Rod gets prosecuted.
Again, congratulations to NBC.
The guy who designed those hard-to-look-at Steve Madden ads with the deformed women on them, is now suing Bratz (the company that makes the dolls of deformed girls that are hard to look at).
Winner take all the blame!
Cleveland Locks!
The International Women’s Air and Space Museum in the punchine metropolis has had a lock of Amelia Earhart’s hair on display for over 20 years. It was just tested.
It’s thread.
The museum claims they got the “hair” from the Smithsonian, who bought it from “a man in Pennsylvania.”
This will probably not help improve Cleveland’s tourism trade.
Ukachi Uwadinobi of the Bronx writes in to insult Dick Heene and the media for covering him. “Like The Post’s Cindy Adams would say, ‘Only in America.’”
Well… that is like what Cindy Adams says… but it’s exactly what Don King says.
Michelle Malkin joins Glenn Beck in disingenuous outrage at Hollywood’s decision to encourage viewers to volunteer. How dare they! “Creeped out? You should be.”
Oh, but I am, Dohertyface! I’m creeped out by people who have a vested interest in being contrarians, regardless of whether or not their argument is legitimate.
Poor The Mets.
Turns out the “Mets Limited Partnership” got more money from Bernie Madoff than they invested.
Guess who might have to turn that money over to the feds for redistribution (thanks to our socialist POTUS, no doubt).
Shrek: The Broadway Musical For Some Reason is losing money? Almost $300,000 a week? And it might close soon?
I told them they didn’t have enough songs about ogre farts!
The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles will play tonight in what might be their last game. Do or die, Torre.
When asked if he saw Jimmy Rollins turn the tide of Game 4, giving the Phillies a 3-1 series lead, Manny said no — he was showering.
“You know how it is. I got out of the game [for defensive purposes in the ninth inning], so I wanted to take a shower.”
I’m starting to think Torre is leaning towards “die.”
Mariano Rivera is a class act. To imply that the greatest closer in baseball history needs to spit on the ball is ludicrous and more than a little like the whining of a baby.
It’s like Beck and Malkin et al getting all angrified because a character on Heroes will start working at a soup kitchen in the hope that it will inspire some viewers to follow suit. Hate the payroll. Hate the management. Hate the game. But don’t hate the player. Especially if it’s Mo.
Or Jeter.
Sabathia pitched 8 innings on 3 days’ rest. He gave up 5 hits and 1 run.
He was worth every penny.
Yankees Babe Ruth and Hank Bauer each hit 4 home runs in 7 postseason games (in the 1926 and 1958 postseason, respectively).
Gehrig hit 4 in 4 in 1928.
Derek Jeter hit 4 in 16 in 2000.
Reggie Jackson hit 5 in 11 in 1977.
Bernie Williams hit the most thus far — 6 in 15 games in 1996.
In 2009, Alex Rodriguez has hit 5 home runs in 7 games. One more ties him with Bernie. Two more and he tops the list.
I’m starting to think that what happened to Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris in Freaky Friday has happened to Teixeira and A-Rod. And I hope someone looks into it (after we win the World Series).
One of the winners of Big Brother (ignore the obvious oxymoron) has been busted for using his prize money to deal oxycodone (look at the oxy-moron!).
He faces a $1,000,000 fine and up to 20 years in prison.
Hey, someone should film that! It’d be like a cross between The Truman Show, Lock-Up and I’m A Celebrity ,Get Me Out Of Here!
Oprah (the lady, not the show) will host Sarah Palin on Oprah (the show, not the lady) and the result will air on November 16th.
Could it be more painful to sit through than Whitney Houston’s heavily-rehearsed nonsense?
You betcha!
(wink)
Joseph “Taco Penis” Tacopina has signed a deal with Scott Sternberg Productions and Weinberger Media for the syndicated TV show, Legal Ease. Lawyers from Taco Penis’ firm will give legal advice to “everyday Americans.”
Sounds riveting.
The end.
Happy Hump Day!
I chaperoned Teresa to a doctor’s appointment this morning. Her new doctor is great (though the bar was set reeeeeeeeal low by her predecessors), but a shitty transit system turned a 5-minute train-ride home into a 25-minute trial of patience and sanity (they were both acquitted).
But rather than spend the next few hours doing what I normally do, I’m going to try and speed through the Post, as my macaroni and cheese mixed with Jed’s Caribbean Tuna Steaks (now with lime juice!) cook in the radiation box.
High school students who fail a class will now have the option of making up the credits online. Of course, the online do-over will “need to be supervised by a teacher specializing in the particular subject,” which must thrill the teachers of stupid children.
Stewart David Nozette, 52, of Chevy Chase, Maryland, is one of the scientists who helped discover water on the moon.
He was arrested yesterday for passing classified information to an Israeli intelligence officer (actually, he was an undercover FBI agent).
Thank God the FBI prevented this man from telling Israel how to look for water on the moon.
Great news: Dr. Michael Kamrava, the asshole who gave fertility treatments to Nadya Suleman (“Octomom”), has been expelled from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.
Bad news: He hasn’t lost his license, as ASRM is a non-profit that has no authority where that is concerned.
Horrible news: The group(s) that has the authority to revoke this guy’s license still hasn’t.
Hold my calls… against me!
Ali Wise, the former publicity director for Dolce & Gabbana, liked to use a “SpoofCard” to listen to (and occasionally delete) the voicemails of people her ex-boyfriend was dating.
She’s being charged with four counts (each!) of computer trespass, eavesdropping, computer tampering and aggravated harassment — and one count of stalking.
That’s hot.
Salvatore “Sammy Bull” Gravano helped put John Gotti in jail for the rest of his life.
John Gotti, Jr.’s attorneys are now talking to Gravano in the hopes that he’ll testify on their client’s behalf.
Don’t do it, Salvatore! It’s a trap! As soon as you come out of hiding, they’ll kill you!
In other Gotti trial news, one of the jurors has been released because he’s a hedge-fund manager and he insisted that he was losing lots of money while serving on the jury.
As if that wasn’t absurd enough, the rest of the jury is starting to protest… their meals.
“The food and menus here are the same, and the jurors are getting tired of it…” one juror who isn’t a hedge-fund manager (or smart enough to get out of jury duty) said.
A cat got stuck in the engine of a car on Arthur Avenue yesterday.
I know what you’re thinking, and I have an iron-clad alibi.
Did you know that NYC was suing Exxon Mobil? In all, 23 companies were named in a lawsuit filed by the city in 2003. 22 of those companies settled before the trial started. Exxon decided to go to court.
Basically, Exxon Mobil was warned (by its own scientists!) that MTBE (which the EPA calls a “potential carcinogen”) shouldn’t be used in neighborhoods that use groundwater as their drinking water. Neighborhoods like the ones in Queens whose drinking wells were all contaminated.
They have been found guilty and ordered to pay NYC $150,000,000. They plan to appeal.
To scumbags.
Why is everyone clamoring for the MTA to abandon MetroCards in favor of the untested SmartCards that will force people to guve the MTA access to their bank and/or credit card accounts?
I haven’t heard anyone point out what a colossal waste of time and energy this is.
Howzabout you fix the trains first and then you can change the way we pay for them?
Jerks.
Still have faith in the American justice system?
Read this.
Yeah.
Salman Rushdie still loves Padma Lakshmi.
Adrian Grenier shops at the Park Slope Food Co-op (though they call it the “Food Coop”).
John Mayer had a birthday party at 1Oak and Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff both attended.
Thanks, Page Six (today on page 10)!
Bill Maher said, “I tell you what, Birthers, I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.”
Or proof that Glenn Beck didn’t rape and kill a girl in 1990.
Anthony Oddone, 26, has a great story to tell his future cellmate.
He was dancing on a table at the Publick House bar in August of 2008. The bouncer asked him to stop.
So Anthony put the bouncer in a headlock… and snapped his neck.
Anthony now faces a second-degree murder rap (and an invitation to join next season’s Dancing With The Stars).
Dick Heene has a criminal record, the cops have gone to his house twice for domestic disturbances, and he now faces up to $2,000,000 in FAA fines.
But his attorney has asked law enforcement to let him give himself up instead of arresting him. “Do not do the perp walk for media consumption … That’s traumatic for kids.” And traumatizing his children is Dick’s job alone.
Rudy 9iu11ani stumped for Bloomberg in Borough Park, telling the predominantly Hasidic Jew audience that if they didn’t vote for the incumbent, the city might go back “to the way it was before 1993 — and you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
That Rudy. All class. And lisp.
Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss USA Pageant. The Miss USA Pageant is countersuing her for the $5,200 they paid for her boob job.
How is it legal for a beauty pageant to give boob jobs to its contestants BEFORE the competition?
Are any Republicans named Joe ACTUALLY named Joe?
Congressman Joseph Cao (R-New Orleans) is actually named Anh Cao.
But what self-respecting Republican would vote for a guy named Anh?
Jamieson’s wanted to show Australian consumers that their Raspberry Ale was “anything but sweet.”
So they created “Ho White.”
Guess who’s getting sued by Disney.
Michael Sara of Matawan, New Jersey writes in to bray, “We are being led by left-wing incompetent radicals who do not like our system of government, and they’re taking it apart, piece by piece.” Not to be out-stupided, Peter W. Kelly of Hazlet, New Jersey, chickenscratches, “As each day passes, our president and his White House advisers increasingly look like foreign-policy novices.”
In a related story, Rep. Gregg Harper (R-MS) was asked what the Congressional Sportsmen’s Caucus does. His response: “We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition.”
In a related story, two South Carolina Republican chairmen defended Sen. Jim DeMint’s lack of fundraising for South Carolina by explaining that he was looking after the nation’s pennies — like a Jew would. “There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.”
In a related story, Glenn Beck compared Fox News to the Jews during the Holocaust.
In a related story, Rich Lowry calls George W. Bush a “handy foil for his graceless, self-absorbed successor.”
From Tracy Morgan’s new book, I Am The New Black, “Chaka Khan tried to tongue-kiss me. I’m serious — Chaka just leaned in and went for it, and her breath smelled like Bacardi and franks.”
Did you know that John Stossel struggles with stuttering?
And competent journalism?
The trip to Yankee Stadium yesterday was awesome. Great seats, a vibrant crowd of Yankee fans, and I got on the Jumbotron (albeit briefly). I left when it was a tie score (3-3). I got home and Mariano had a man on 1st and 3rd and no outs.
Somehow, the Yankees survived that fiasco, only to lose after Girardi yanked Robertson for Aceves.
So we’re up 2-1 with Game 4 tonight at 8.
Let’s go, Yanks.
StubHub sent out an e-mail yesterday inviting fans to get playoff tickets to see “your New York Mets as they chase baseball immortality.”
The Mets finished the season 70-92 and are not in the playoffs.
Great job!
(to StubHub and the Mets)
To promote their remake of the beloved TV mini-series V, ABC has hired skywriters to place giant red V’s in the sky on Sunday and on Halloween. Before you grouse that this is a terrible idea, Oxygen did the same thing to promote Season 3 of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (although they didn’t use V’s, they ad the planes write “Tori & Dean.”
OK, now you can start grousing.
Congratulations to NBC.
A judge has ruled that Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) can compete in The Celebrity Apprentice 3: The Bottom of the Bottom of the Barrel.
I’m sure that will be infinitely more fun to watch than Southland.
Jerks.
Headache is still prominent. Time for ibuprofen and water.
See you bright and early tomorrow.
Great day with the Mrs. yesterday and a great solo evening on the horizon (Yankee Stadium will be opened this afternoon so that fans can watch Game 3 on the Jumbotron (and overpay for concessions). Teresa insisted that I go. So I will. But first, I owe you yesterday’s mega-paper as well as today’s.
So let’s get to it.
Before the re-open Sunday’s Post, I read in Entertainment Weekly that Shirley Dieu, 56, filed a lawsuit against Dr. Phil McGraw. She claims that when she appeared on the show in 2007, she was a victim of the bald adulterer and is accusing him of “false imprisonment, practicing without a license, brainwashing, battery and fraud.” She says that she was “held captive and deprived of food and sleep.”
C’mon, Dieu. Really?
The headline LUCKY 13! features a full=page photo of A-Rod at the plate, watching his game-tying ninth-inning solo shot that forced the game into overtime. Rain is falling around him, the “13″ on his batting glove is perfectly framed next to his uniform’s Yankee logo… in fact, it’s such a pretty photo that the Post put the exact same one (well, maybe 3 seconds passed between the two photos) on the back page.
Must be a slow news day.
Kesha Nichols, the lady who was dumped at the altar by her celebrity fiancee but isn’t Asian or under arrest, wants closure. So she’s giving away her wedding dress (valued at $10,000) to the winner of a 150-word essay contest. If you can explain why you deserve the dress (and are built like a woman who a professional basketball player would get engaged to), you might could win it.
Good luck, supermodels!
“We were looking at Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances. We are talking to the district attorney [and] federal officials to see if perhaps there aren’t additional federal charges that are appropriate in this circumstance.”
That’s Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden on the Heene Family. When asked about the impending charges, Papa Dick said, “Never heard of that.”
Also on the list of things he “never heard of”: shame, decency, honesty, and wives that speak English.
Robert Thomas, a researcher who is well-acquainted with Dick Heene, claims that the terrible father was “desperate to get back on TV as his construction business was going down the tubes.” In the hopes of promoting the “Mythbusters meets mad scientist” TV show he was pitching, Dick talked to Thomas about pulling a “media stunt” involving a weather balloon.
“How much do you want to bet we could facilitate some sort of media stunt that would be equally profound as Roswell and we could do so with nothing more than a weather balloon and some controversy? The result would be a dramatic increase in local and national awaremess about the Heene Family, our Reality Series as well as the UFO Phenomenon in general,” Thomas quoted Heene’s proposal as saying.
The only way to make an attention whore suffer is to stop paying attention to him.
Roman Polanski is sick.
Well, duh.
B’also, his lawyer says Roman is “depressed and tired, and expressed concern about a medical condition.”
Boo. Hoo.
At least six (6) students at Dalton are currently taking the designer drug Humatrope. It’s known as “Miracle-Gro for kids.”
One of them is Jeffrey Stern. When Jeff was 11, he was 4-foot-1, so his mother took him to an endocrinologist who put him on human growth hormone. Jeff is now 5-foot-7 (and 16 years old).
But his mother thinks he should be even taller (she says he is “owed” a height between 5-foot-8 and 5-foot-10. So he’s now on Humatrope.
Eli Lilly, the company that makes Humatrope, made $440,000,000 off the drug. In 2007. Which was a 6% increase over 2006.
Jeffrey was also prescribed a drug to delay puberty (Lupron) so that his bones wouldn’t age and harden, thus allowing the Humatrope to help him grow.
From 5-foot-7 to 5-foot-8/9/10.
Margot Stern, Jefrey’s mother, should be ashamed of herself.
Hiram Monserrate! You owe $150,000 in legal fees! You have $90,000 in your war chest for next year’s election! Your appeal of your recent sentence will cost you another $50,000!
To paraphrase Deano, “Ain’t that a glass to the head?”
Page 9 (today on page 9) has a photo of Rihanna shooting a new music video. She ’s wearing an eye patch and grabbing her vagina.
Great job!
Reprinted in its entirety: Michael Goodwin’s HEALTH CARE IS ‘DEVIL’S’ WORK.
“In our polarized nation, it’s often hard to make sense of competing ideas. Take health care. The proposed overhaul would sweep aside much of the system we know and create a new one. Would it be better or worse? Ambrose Bierce has the answer. A Union officer in the Civil War and then a biting satirist, Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary, published in 1911, reduces politics to the essence of human nature. To Bierce, a conservative ‘is a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.’ That says it all.”
That says it all? In addition to your flippant inaccuracies, you think that something said 100 years ago best reflects current politics? That conservatism and liberalism haven’t changed that much in the last century?
Mikey also has a piece called Washington weak as the world turns on America which begins “The score last week was distressing. America got its butt kicked all over the globe.”
And ends with me rolling my eyes and wondering why I do this to myself (let alone you nice people).
Hey New Yorkers! Where do your tax dollars go?
Pension and fringe benefits for city employees get 22.6%. That’s $13,600,000,000.
Education gets 23.4%. That’s $14,000,000,000.
We should totally re-elect Bloomberg.
Lindsay Lohan thought that the giant perfume-bottle-shaped cake at Victoria’s Secret was an actual perfume bottle, so she leaned against it, putting a giant hole in the center of it. Then she giggled.
Her parents must be so proud.
Woody Allen will be filming his next movie in Rio de Janeiro. Allen is said to be “fascinated” by supermodel Adriana Lima and is trying to convince her to star.
I’m going to guess that the new movie is about an old Jew and the young Brazilian supermodel who falls in love with him.
The surprise guests at the midnight MySpace Secret Stand-Up Shows during the New York Comedy Festival?
Tom Green and Rob Schneider.
What’s the opposite of “pleasant surprise”?
Cindy Adams is in her death-throes.
“Once upon a time — in the days a hair appointment did not mean a Brazilian bikini wax — our moms would cut chickens, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife, but nobody got food poisoning. Back in BC — when the air was clean and the sex was dirty — Grandma would defrost hamburger meat on the counter and you’d sometimes nibble it raw, but who ever heard of E. coli? Or e-mail or eBay or e-file or e-tickets. Except for Old MacDonald’s ‘ee-i-ee-i-oh,’ that was about it for e’s.”
Her fond reminiscences go on to include: “And we all ate in halls filled with lead-based paint, asbestos or the deadly by-product of some fossil-based fuel. As I recall, the only fossils we feared in those days were the teachers” (how sad when we become the things we fear, eh, Cindy?) and “And we all said our prayers, pledged allegiance…” and “And the boys did not wear earrings. And you could tell the hes from the shes.”
And it goes on like this for the entire half-page. The final paragraph begins, “We can zoom to the moon but can’t get through Route 27 to the Hamptons.” and ends with, “And it seems we can even have foreverness but not without… Andy Rooney … or Jon Gosselin … or Kim Kardashian … or Simon Cowell …”
I get the last three, but Andy Rooney? Cindy, are you poking fun at the fact that he should have stopped doing his pseudo-journalism a decade ago? And you can’t/won’t see the irony of that, black pot?
The box. Get inside.
Shepard Fairey admitted in court that he did, in fact, lie about which AP photo he used for the HOPE poster of Obama and that “in an attempt to conceal my mistake, I submitted false images and deleted other images” but that his actions shouldn’t be considered “premeditated or sinister.”
His attorneys have announced their intention to resign from the case, as their client deliberately misled them.
But not, you know, in a premeditated or sinister way.
The gigantic editorial about Bloomberg’s first two terms (and whether he deserves a third one) is written by… the Post’s food critic Steve Cuozzo. Was Kyle Smith off today?
Nope. There he is! His editorial is about how Obama has crossed a line by appearing on Monday Night Football (“his propaganda has seeped into everything — even football”).
Smith complains that sports is not a place for politics. That “sports are supposed to be insulated from such intrusions of reality.”
Hey, Kyle?
My favorite part of Kyle’s latest attack on Obama is “‘We’re all in this together’? No, we aren’t. Mostly, we’re competing with each other. If your company goes out of business, maybe my company can pick up your assets cheap and add your customers. Your foreclosure? My new house.”
I just realized that I have no idea what Gene Siskel’s politics or beliefs were. Or Roger Ebert’s. Or Peter Travers’ (though if he works at Rolling Stone, he must be a liberal hippie). Michael Medved, yes, but he’s also a terrible film critic. But just about every great film critic is, to my mind, apolitical.
Seeing a film critic take delight in the misfortunes of tens of thousands of his fellow countrymen is sad. Whatever your political affiliation, “Your foreclosure? My new house.” should seem a bit glib (at the very least).
The Post quotes Falcom Heene as saying, “‘We did this for a show.’” in giant bolded text on the top of the page and as “‘did it for the show’” in an article below it.
Great job!
“I’ve been a New York Times reader all my life and, frankly, I am bit [sic] smug about it. But I love The Post. I may not always agree with your politics, but I respect your right to your opinion [sic]. Most of all, The Times magazine could take a big page out of your Page Six magazine. Your magazine is everything their magazine isn’t: fun, interesting, creative, sexy, easy-to-read and not weighed down with its own self-importance. I fall asleep just looking at the Times cover. Keep it up! — Kiki Borg, East Hampton”
The first [sic] is for the missing word before “bit” (“a”); the second [sic] is for implying that there is more than one opinion at the New York Post. B’also? I love that the letter starts with this woman stating (frankly!) that she is smug about her life-long patronage of the Times, and ends with her praising Page Six for being easy to read.
That her last name is “Borg” makes me wonder (hopefully) if a Star Trek fan is having a laugh at the Post’s expense…
Kyle Smith also has two long book reviews. He loved both books. He really liked the part in the first book that sticks it to Al Gore, and the second book is about generals in th’army.
I can’t wait to see what he thinks about Transformers 3: Neeeee-yerrrrrrr-KABOOM!.
Here’s a recession-proof multi-billion dollar industry that I bet you never considered being all that profitable: tattoo removal.
DAVID VS. GOLIATH: XMAS EDITION pits Bob Dylan’s new Christmas Album up against American Idol runner-up David Archuleta’s. Verdict: They’re both terrible.
Page 61 has the result of last week’s MEET MARKET date. Juan said, “There were no awkward silences”
while Anne said, “At certain points throughout the dinner it got kind of quiet.”
One of these single people is a liar.
Fun fact: This is the first time that Bobby Abreu is playing in a League Championship Series. Not once before in his 13-year career has he gotten the chance.
Fun fact: It will be at least another year before he plays in a World Series.
On page 101: “If the Yankees have to make up last night’s game tonight, Andy Pettitte won’t be in the Bronx to see it. Instead, he will be in Anaheim…”
Good thing I’m reading the LATE CITY FINAL edition!
I thought I was reading a Peyserless paper, but no.
In Make the pitiful ‘cougar’ extinct in the TV pullout, she writes (without even a hint of irony), “The day some pervert invented the term ‘cougar’ marked the day great-looking MILFs began chucking the Cosmos, donning flannel nighties, and ordering Chinese. And I don’t mean the delivery guy.”
“It wasn’t so long ago that women wouldn’t dare step into bars alone for fear of being branded whores. Now, they won’t dare step in bars alone for fear of being branded predators. Until this is over, I’m staying home.”
Which is the only reason I am rooting for Cougar Town to get renewed.
Heeeeeeeeeeere’s MONDAY!
The Giants got demolished by the Saints yesterday (48-27), but the real front-page bombshell is Bill Thompson’s attempt “to keep corrupt drug pol out of jail” by writing a letter to the sentencing judge.
In 1982. And the Brooklyn congressman on whose behalf Thompson wrote the letter was, at the time, Thompson’s employer.
Most damaging revelation in the letter: Thompson spelled notoriety “noteriety.”
Fred Richmond (at the time one of the richest men in Congress) was initially arrested for soliciting sex from a 16-year-old boy. He agreed to counseling, the charges were dropped and Fred was re-elected. More charges followed (though none sexual) and Fred got a year and a day (though while awaiting sentencing someone killed himself in Fred’s apartment). Fred served six months.
Surely Thompson’s long-ago gesture on Fred’s behalf still resonates in Fred’s heart, right?
“[Thompson's] not worthy of being mayor. Between his father and me, he’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter,” said Richmond, now 85. He also referred to Bloomberg as a “walking genius.”
Enjoy term #3, Mike.
State Democratic Party Chairman Jay Jacobs is demanding Hiram Monserrate’s resignation.
“The court had its opinion, but we all know what this was, and, frankly, it doesn’t represent the Democratic Party, and I think the best thing he can do for everyone is resign.”
I agree, Jay. Now go after Espada. And Rangel.
The Fattle Royale is ‘pon us!
Al Sharpton helped get Rush Limbaugh booted from the group of investors looking into buying the St. Louis Rams. Limbaugh responded with an op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal saying Sharpton “played a leading role in the 1991 Crown Heights riot … and 1995 Freddie’s Fashion Mart riot.”
Sharpton demanded an apology or else he’ll sue for defamation.Yankel Rosenbaum’s brother Norman has already volunteered to represent Rush if it goes to trial.
Stay tuned.
Poor LAAoA.
After losing Game 2, the Angels’ charter flight back to California was delayed due to a truck fire on the tarmac at La Guardia.
So, even though they arrived later, the Yankees got to leave first.
Four hours until Game 3.
Mr. and Mrs. Heene face up to six years in prison and a $500,000 fine. Cops say that at least one “media outlet” may have conspired with Heene before the incident.
When spotted at a Wal-Mart yesterday, Dick sobbed, “This thing has become so convoluted!”
Can you believe Dick Heene never went to college?
Kelly Bensimon (who used to be an employee of Page Six [today on page 10]) waved goodbye as she left the 100 Hottest Eligible Bachelors party and “accidentally” revealed that she wasn’t wearing any undergarments.
This seems like the kind of staged “accident” that helps z-list celebrities get mentioned on Page Six.
Oh, right. Touche.
Paris Hilton has been hired to pla herself in the new Will Ferrell movie, The Other Guys. In exchange for agreeing to be paid what many Americans make in a year for a single day’s work, Hilton sent the producers a rider that demands she be provided with a bottle of Grey Goose and live lobsters that are to be prepared for her whenever she decides to eat.
That better be a remarkably funny cameo.
Where the Wild Things Are is the #1 movie in the country. Thank you.
Law & Order is shooting an episode about a woman who drives the wrong way (drunk) and gets into a brutal accident. People are starting to complain.
I hope this isn’t what Rich is town taping. He doesn’t deserve a boycott.
Despite The Storm.
Someone paid $15,000 for a clump of Elvis Presley’s hair.
Nice.
Now, I’m not implying anything here, I’m just relating the chain of events. Draw your own conclusions.
Bianca Wisniewski decided to sue her employer, Total Safety Consulting, and JPMorgan Chase for sexual harassment. She claimed that the elevator operator at JPMC’s headquarters (where she worked) constantly came on to her. She complained and was fired.
She was due in court today for a hearing in her case, but won’t be able to attend. A massive fire destroyed her apartment yesterday morning, killing her and putting her 16-year-old daughter in critical condition.
Her smoke detector had been removed and placed on her kitchen table.
One could argue (not me, but one) that when you are told to fuggedaboudit, you prolly should (if you’re interested in total safety).
The entire police force of Budaors, Hungary simultaneously quit.
They played the lottery together and hit the $16,000,000 jackpot.
(buys ticket to Badours with the intention of robbing all 15 of them without fear of police interference)
Jose Couselo of Cathedral City, California writes in to say, “Monserrate’s verdict proves that the Democrats are an embarrassment to us all. I am sick and tired of reading about Democrats’ getting away with breaking the law without being punished. Anyone else would land in jail before they could plead ‘not guilty.’ I was under the impression that the laws are to be applied evenly to all.”
I’m assuming that, if there were a Republican Party to attack, Jose would have criticized them, too.
The Phillies beat the Dodgers 11-0, giving them a 2-1 lead in the best-of-7 NLCS.
I’m thinking maybe Torre isn’t coming back to the Bronx this month.
Sabathia will start in Game 4 tomorrow night.
Which may be the last game of the ALCS. We’ll see what happens in… less than three hours!
I better do some chores before I hop on the train to Da Bronx!
Stay warm, kids!
Time flies when you watch baseball until 2:00 in the morning and then spend the following day running errands for and spending time with your wife.
Double the fun tomorrow morning, but in the meantime, please enjoy the Heene Family’s call to the police. Good Lord.
Blown opportunities #36 & 37:
We played 8 pitchers in a game over 5 hours long. The ending may not have had the magic of a walk-off home run, but at almost 2:00 in the morning, I’ll take what I can get.
Thanks, Yanks.
Sabathia pitched 8 innings of 4-hit, 1-run ball. Mariano followed with a reminder that he is the greatest closer of all time.
It’s starting to rain as I write this, but I’m hoping tonight’s game goes on as planned.
I want to spend today cozied up with m’lady, so let’s see how quickly I can read today’s paper.
PIRATE! explains that Raj Rajaratnam (his photo’s on the front page) allegedly pulled off a $20,000,000 insider-trading scheme. Raj is a billionaire. With a b. This is like Bill Gates getting arrested for stealing gum from a bodega.
Also charged, Danielle Chiesi, 43, of the Upper East Side, who gathered insider information from Robert Moffat at IBM and used it for her company (New Castle Funds LLC). She also shared the insider tips with Raj. In August 2008, Danielle started worrying that she might get caught, and told people this. Over her phone. Which was being wiretapped by the feds.
Raj (who, on page 5, appears to have been arrested while dressed as Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight) founded Galleon (it’s a gigantic hedge fund), which was so profitable, they once commissioned Jesse James and Cleveland D (two rappers I have never heard of) to write a rap/theme song for the company (though the Post neglects to say when). Sample lyrics:
“If you know Galleon, everything is groovy because these guys are out of a movie… Raj and Chris, their stocks don’t miss, they could have co-starred in Analyze This.”
So that’s why I’ve never heard of Jesse James and Cleveland D!
Now Raj and the gang face up to 20 years in prison. So, I wrote a rap/theme song for them.
“There once was a hedge fund called Galleon, my wife likes some cream cheese with scallion. But I don’t feel bad for Raj and them — when I see their sad faces, IBM.”
Uh-oh, Vince Morgan. I may not vote for you after all.
Adam Clayton Powell IV, who lost to Rangel in the 1994 primary, is considering another run. I’ve seen him speak over the years and he has always impressed me.
Decisions, decisions…
Madonna is being accused of dancing to loudly in her Central Park West apartment — by her upstairs neighbor. A Manhattan Supreme Court lawsuit was filed yesterday. The building board claims that they’ve already threatened Madonna with eviction if she didn’t stop blasting music and pounding on the floor and adopting other people’s children and turning her arms into ropa vieja.
Speaking of absurd lawsuits, TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract.
They say that he has failed to meet his obligations as “an exclusive employee of the network” because he appears on other networks’ shows — for money — and has made “unauthorized public disclosures about the show.”
This is on you, America. If you hadn’t made the Gosselins famous, then Jon wouldn’t have a gigantic ego covered in Ed Hardy logos and he wouldn’t have lashed out at his wife and/or the network that bought him a house. And TLC wouldn’t waste their time suing a nobody.
David Foster Wallace kills himself, but Jon and Kate are both still alive? There is no universal justice.
Remember that Asian lady who whined to the Post that Todd English cancelled their wedding the day before it was happening? And then Todd responded that it was because she had a history of being abusive and gave him a gash on his face (before they were married? tramp!)?
Well, Todd has decided that her chat(s) with the Post caused damage to his reputation. He filed a domestic-violence complaint and Erica Wang has been arrested and charged with felony assault and criminal possession of a weapon.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, on a bed of wild mushroom risotto, in a reduction of veal and sage.
William Melchert-Dinkel, 47, used to be a nurse. He likes to go to Internet suicide chat rooms and encourage people to kill themselves. He offers them advice (“Most important is the placement of the noose on the neck…”) and sometimes asks that they do it via webcam so he can watch.
Authorities recently discovered William’s penchant for manipulating the depressed and took away his nursing license. They also say that, since he didn’t physically help kill them (so cyber-bullying is a crime but goading people into killing themselves isn’t?).
“Nothing is going to come of it,” William told The Associated Press. “I’ve moved on with my life, and that’s it.”
Classy choice of words, Billy.
Stepfanie Velez-Gentry, 29, mother of two from Bellmawr, New Jersey, is running for the GOP Assembly.
She hosts sex-toy parties where she sells dildos (and many scarier things, too) to the guests.
Maybe you should spend less time on the shaft and more time on your base?
(see what I did there?)
Ah, to be a (White) celebrity in court.
Lindsay Lohan showed up an hour and a half late to her status hearing. She told the judge that, yeah, she hasn’t been going to her scheduled rehab appointments. So, the judge…
…extended her probation from three to four years, so that she can finish her rehab… eventually.
I shudder to think of what she will put in her body to celebrate… let alone who…
Anybody notice who wasn’t singing God Bless America at last night’s Yankee game? Ronan Tynan has been doing it for years, and he would have done it last night (and tonight) if not for Dr. Gabrielle Gold-von Simson.
She and a real estate agent were looking at an apartment in Tynan’s building on Thursday when they bumped into the Irish tenor. The agent joked, “Don’t worry — they are not Red Sox fans.” Tynan replied, “I don’t care about that, as long as they are not Jewish.”
Dr. Gold-von Simson incredulously asked, “Why is that?” to which Tynan answered that a lot of “scary” Jewish women had been looking at the apartment before.
Yesterday, the good doctor e-mailed the Yankees, describing the incident. They contacted Tynan shortly thereafter. He admitted that the accusations were true, according to a Yankees spokesperson. “He said it was a bad joke. So we told him that was absolutely intolerable behavior and he needed to apologize. He said he spoke to the woman and apologized.”
Even so, he didn’t sing last night and “there are no plans for him to sing” for the remainder of the postseason.
Tynan told WNBC/Channel 4, “A lot of my friends are Jewish. It’s something misfortunate. I was too stupid with my big mouth.”
I wish Tynan nothing but unfortune in the future.
Oprah hosted the first Mike Tyson/Evander Holyfield face-off in over a decade. Tyson admitted that his initial apology to Holyfield years ago was “insincere.” But even then, he still didn’t apologize to Holyfield.
That Mike Tyson is all class.
(give or take a “cl”)
Michael Brunner, 54, is a well-respected stage manager. Been in the business for decades. Currently, he’s managing the Lincoln Center production of South Pacific. One of the actresses in that show found an iPhone that was recording her as she disrobed in her dressing room, which she believes Brunner put there. Brunner has been arraigned.
We’ve got sunlight on the sands, we’ve got moonlight on the seas, we’ve got footage of an actress just in her bra and panties…
Turns out Falcon Heene didn’t just throw up on NBC. Before that, he threw up on ABC (though he ran off-camera first).
Turns out the Heenes were on Wife Swap twice (and the barely-English-speaking matriarch is almost as obnoxious as her asshole husband).
Turns out the Heene boys made a music video called “Not Pussified” that I tried watching on YouTube. I refuse to embed it or even to provide a link. Bonus points for covering one of the kids in what looks like excrement and making him sit in the toilet to lip-synch a “Hidey-ho!” from Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo (of South Park fame).
Teresa will back me up on this: When Falcon said “you said we did this for a show” or “you said we did this for the show” I immediately said, “I guarantee you that the family was pitching a reality show and no one was biting, so the father dreamed up the perfect way to add buzz to the project and get the family on every newspaper and magazine in the country.”
Indeed, they were pitching a reality show. Indeed, prior to calling the police, Papa Heene called a local television station (though, to his credit, he called the FAA first). And Colorado police (who have always been the vanguard of competence, right, Ramsey Family?) still don’t think it was a hoax.
I’m calling it now: At least one member of the Heene Family will be on Dancing With The Stars by 2011.
Page Six (today on page 10), like the paper that features it, hates Keith Olbermann. They say that he recently named Michelle Malkin “The Worst Person In The World” and quote Megan Carpentier (an AirAmerica.com blogger) who said of the comment, “By attacking Michelle Malkin’s politics with an assault on women of every political persuasion, and then idicating a desire to see her physically harmed, a person might understandably get the idea that Keith Olbermann only respects women if they agree with him.”
Naturally, I had to see this for myself. Good thing I did.
1) The O-Reilly “smear” montage at the beginning is hilarious.
2) Malkin is not the worst person in the world. She’s the runner-up (WORSER).
3) I can’t seem to find the part where he indicates a desire to see Malkin physically harmed. I’m sure he does (I certainly do), but I am unable to cite evidence (besides his soul).
4) My interpretation of the “she’d be a mashed-up bag of meat with lipstick on it” is another way of saying that she has no heart, no brain, no soul, and if you removed her hatred, all that would remain is muscle, tissue, blood and (since she dresses up in hot cheerleader outfits on her website and fancies herself a sex symbol despite being difficult to look at) lipstick. How come Sarah Palin can call herself a bulldog with lipstick, but Olbermann can’t say that (minus her hatred) Malkin (would hypothetically be) a bag of meat with lipstick?
5) I hate the Post (and Megan Carpentier).
Amber Duick, you’re not very bright.
The story is too delicious to abridge, so here’s a link to the Privacy Digest article.
She signed a consent form to take part in the promotion! Her lawyer says that the agreement she signed online “didn’t say someone was going to be stalking my client.”
Amber, your lawyer’s not too bright, either.
As soon as a judge removes the no-contact order of protection between Hiram Monserrate and Karla Giraldo, Hiram plans on proposing.
Isn’t that romantic?
B’also? Looks like he’s gonna lose his seat.
Next up: Espada.
Make it happen, Jeebus.
Conan O’Brien has donated $100,000 to charity as a mea culpa for getting into the mock-feud with Newark Mayor Cory Booker. O’Brien had Booker on as a guest and asked him why Booker had singled him out for his Newark jokes when so many other comedians do the same thing. Booker’s response made me love him even more.
“When there’s a herd coming after you, you have to go after the weakest gazelle.”
BOOM.
Four video stills on page 17 show a train station in Australia where: 1) a woman doesn’t notice her stroller (containing her 6-month-old son) rolling off the platform onto the tracks; 2) the woman reaches out, but too late; 3) a train arrives two seconds later; 4) the woman standing on the platform in shock, under the impression that her son has just been killed.
The boy suffered only a small cut on his forehead and is 100% fine. Had I read the headline first (TRAIN-HIT MIRACLE) or even the sub-head (Infant survives station run-over), the photos and captions might not have made me queasy. But I didn’t, and they did.
Happy Saturday, Jed!
A former Goldman Sachs executive has been named COO of the SEC. OMG! LOL!
Martha Stewart and Kmart are ending their partnership.
And that’s a good thing.
The Phillies were this close to leading the Dodgers 2 games to none.
But an Utley error and a Happ walk in the eighth gave L.A. enough to win 2-1.
Each team has 1 in the win column. They next play in America’s Shame (Philadelphia) tomorrow night.
It didn’t rain last night, despite the sports pages’ prediction.
Today, they say there’s a 90% chance of rain for tonight and tomorrow during the day.
I hope they continue their erroneous streak.
Richard Hatch, the oft-naked chubby homosexual from Survivor’s first season, is now a free man (except where marriage is concerned).
Time to relax and try to stop seeing that woman grabbing for her infant in Australia.
Stay dry, kids.
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