Archive for October, 2009
Anything happen since last I spoke at you? A boy was trapped in a balloon, you say? The nation held its breath, praying that the boy would somehow miraculously rescued? And when it was discovered that he wasn’t in the balloon, people feared he feel out? And then we learned he was never in the balloon? And his family is made up of publicity-hungry weirdos who have already been featured on the news as “hurricane chasers”?
And on the dignity graveyard that ABC calls Wife Swap? Prepare yourself for the speech-impedimentiest clip ever!
Could the Heene patriarch be a bigger asshole? Actually… yes.
The whole family went on Larry King Live to discuss what horrors they went through during Falcon’s disappearance. And when Falcon was asked by his father why he didn’t come out when he heard his folks calling his name… here’s the clip.
I wonder, if Larry King was playing the part of Larry King last night instead of Wolf Blitzer, if he would’ve said, “Wait. Did he just say ‘you guys said that we did this for a show’? Did I hear that right?” instead of the clumsy subject changing Wolf did.
Luckily real journalism fans have… Meredith Vieira? Yup. She asks the father that very question and he offers a remarkably complicated answer, during which time Falcon vomits. Repeatedly.
Bonus points: Check out Dad’s face while his son is puking. He couldn’t find his kid more repulsive. Wince-tastic!
People of Earth: Ignore this family. All of them. From now on. Please. Or they will never ever go away.
Also, special thanks to Liz Varner for introducing me to Letters of Note. What a great website.
(the South Park memo has made the internet rounds many times over the years, but I still laughed out loud while re-reading it)
The last 24 hours of weather has been remarkably awful and less than ideal for baseball (or humanity in general). If you add to that the fact that the heat in our palatial estate has been off for the last 2 days, you’ll understand why I am wearing flannel monkey pajamas under my regular clothes (actually, as I am usually sipping coffee in boxers at this time of day, the fact that I am wearing “regular clothes” at all is a red flag) and shaking my fist at the sky.
Luckily, our landlord and a plumber stopped by today to figure out the problem and the heat is back on… but now there is steam filling up the basement (the landlord’s, not ours) and smoke alarms keep going off. Never a dull moment on Prospect Park Southwest.
Since it was warmer outside than in my bedroom (a mild exaggeration, I went to Target when Teresa went to work. I cannot recommend this enough. Not only was I one of roughly 10 customers in the entire 2-story store, but I found a miniature Joker figure for under $1.60. Of course, I didn’t find any of the things I actually went there looking for, but I didn’t have to wait on line and no one pushed me (except for one unapologetic and morbidly fat employee as I tried to maneuver around him to enter the elevator [he was standing directly in front of the door as it was about to close, so I tried to go behind him and he stepped backwards into my right shoulder]). Still, if you can hit Target while most of Obnoxious America is still watching Balloon Boy vomit, it’s extremely worth it.
Since I’ve already covered the Heene family more than anyone has a right to, I’ll ignore the HIGH JINKS! cover story (bonus points for making the front page photo a TV-screen grab with prominent Fox News Channel logo; double super bonus points for positioning Derek Jeter [there's a 20-page ALCS section today] in such a way that he appears to be staring at that photo) and start with the page 2 story about Paterson’s new budget-balancing proposal — $113,000,000 less from the $3,900,000,000 already promised to the MTA (I foresee a lot more subway-less weekends in store for the Mrs. and me), $287,000,000 less (statewide) to Medicare (so a Black man is trying to kill our grandparents, Sarah; I never should have doubted you!) and plenty more, adding up to a total of $350,000,000 that NYC will see cut (out of $3,000,000,000 cuts for this year and $2,000,000,000 next year for all of New York state).
No tax hikes, no layoffs. Paterson says we’ll be bankrupt by December if the Legislature doesn’t approve his proposal. The MTA’s credit rating will (possibly) endangered by the proposed cut (really? there’s a credit rating below “grossly negligent and remarkably incompetent”?).
Yesterday I predicted that the Post, having praised Paterson on their editorial page, would follow it up with criticism (thus proving that all Fox media is “fair and balanced”). Was I right? The answer is on page 28.
Are the two guys that are neck and neck in New Jersey’s gubernatorial actually spending all of their time talking about each others’ weight? Or is the Post just a terrible paper?
Or both?
Tonight is supposed to be 41 degrees with a 50% chance of rain. Wait… why did I think it was 60%?
(turns to back cover of paper)
Tonight is supposed to be 41 degrees with a 60% chance of rain.
Page 3 says 50%, the sports pages say 60%. Who do I trust?
Well, the back cover also informs me that there’s more Yankees news on PAGES 119-116. Funny, Rupert Murdoch doesn’t look Jewish (actually, he kinda does). And on page 120 (the Yankee coverage actually spans from 116-121), it says there’s a 60% chance of rain tonight, an 80% chance tomorrow and a 70% chance of rain on Sunday.
I just want to watch some baseball, Jeebus. Please try not to cry until, say, midnight? Is that doable?
There’s almost a full page about how Bernie Madoff’s son had a fight with his wife and ran away but then he came back and they argued more and then he ran away with his Vespa and she called the cops and then he came back having spent a night in a hotel and so now everything’s OK and I can’t believe I spent four minutes of my day reading this.
From now on, no more Madoff Family news unless it is liberally slathered in schadenfreude.
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been serving her DUI probation quite the way she’s s’posed tuh. Seems she never got back to the folks at Right On Programs after she got a “leave of absence” to leave the state and shoot a movie (and, presumably, heroin). So they told the judge and the judge ordered Lindsay back to court to explain wha hoppen. TMZ saw Lindsay hurriedly going to the program yesterday (she has 6 weeks left to finish the entire course).
I can’t wait for her dad’s reality show. And, in three years, hers.
Cabbies are about to get a whole lot lonelier (and way quieter).
By the end of the year, the TLC will enact new rules which include a total ban on ALL“communication technology with cab in motion. No hands-free device, even if the phone is off.” And if someone is caught breaking this rule three times? License revoked, big fine.
Entering a cab in New York City: $2.50.
Each fifth of a mile: $0.40.
Not hearing a heated argument in Nigerian: priceless.
Auschwitz now has a Facebook page.
And really, who wouldn’t want to get status updates from Auschwitz?
Besides everyone?
A 23-year-old decided to jaywalk at the intersection of West 23rd St. and 10th Ave.
He was hit by an NYPD Manhattan South Task Force van. He’s in stable condition.
Tepid applause.
State Senator Hiram Monserrate (D-Queens) has been found NOT GUILTY of pretty much everything connected to his attack on his girlfriend. Cleared of the felony count, cleared of the “lesser charge of slashing [Giraldo's] face with a broken glass.”
In fact, the only thing he was found GUILTY of is misdemeanor (third-degree) assault. The judge blamed the lack of proof of what actually happened in the apartment as the reason he ruled in favor of the thuggish ex-cop. “There are two kinds of not-guilty findings. One is innocence, the other is not proven — these counts were not proven,” explained Judge William Erlbaum.
Boooooooo.
Hiram faces up to a year in prison. If he goes to prison, he loses his seat in the Senate. For all that is holy, please make this happen, Jeebus.
Fun fact: Guess how much money was spent trying to rescue that spoiled vomiting named-after-a-bird kid out of the balloon he was never in. Go on, guess.
Did you say $2,000,000? Correct!
Roman Polanski has Woody Allen on his side. Homosexuals have Joe Francis on their side. And now, Barack Obama also has someone defending him who might better serve him by staying silent. Is Jimmy Carter a bad man? Gosh, no. But whenever some pundit complains about how the Nobel committee has a history of giving the Peace Prize to people who don’t deserve it, Carter’s the example that always follows Arafat.
Love ya, Jimmy, but when you give Glenn Beck sound bites like, “[Obama] deserves it as much as anyone who’s ever gotten it for his achievement already,” you really aren’t helping your team.
Funny, Sean “Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy./Just Diddy/No, I Meant That I Removed The Period And You Should Just Call Me Diddy From Now On/Diddy From Now On/Oh, I Give Up” Combs doesn’t look Jewish.
While filming a segment with his new hip-hop group (Dirty Money) for BET’s 106 & Park, Combs threw bundles of fake money into the studio audience. But when the audience noticed that there was “$25 to $100 singles mixed in with the funny money,” the crowd, as they say, went wild. As that went on, Combs looked at his hand and realized that one of his rings (worth an estimated $20,000) was missing, he walked offstage. When the cameras cut, an announcement was made and fans started hunting on the floor. Combs’ “staff” started insisting that part of the set be dismantled so that they could look for the ring there, but were rebuffed. The rest of the show went on as planned, but when the taping was over, the entire audience was frisked and checked with a metal detecting wand.
“Ok diddy lost his ring… and now there frisking all the kids like this is rikers lite,” Twatted PWillzNYC.
“when it was over, diddy held us hostage lookin for his lost ring. dont like him no more!!!” added the seemingly fickle dbaumz.
Not to be outstupided, Combs Twatted, “The craziest shit just happened to me lol I guess its shittin on me season… Enjoy it while it lasts!!!!! lol life is crazy.”
Why does the future of communication hurt my brain (and heart and soul)?
B’also, why you so nuts over a $20,000 ring, yo? Ain’t you a big balla, son?
Charlie Rangel has spent $255,000 in legal fees — over the last three months alone — stemming from the current investigations of him. His total for the year is expected to be roughly $1,000,000.
Hope it’s worth it, Raspy.
There’s a picture on Page Six (today on page 13) of Mel Gibson and the Russian lady he left his wife for.
If Jocelyn Wildenstein and Angelina Jolie had a baby, it would look like Oksana Grigorieva.
There’s also a Page Six picture (on page 14) of Roman Polanski’s wife, Emmanuelle Seigner smacking a photographer (who tried to interview her as she arrived home on her motorcycle) with her motorcycle helmet.
I wonder if the photographer’s first question was “Aren’t you a little old to be married to Roman?”
Jeff Kirby was a contestant on Jeopardy! in 1999.
Jeff Kirby was a contestant on Jeopardy! in 2009.
That’s totes against the rules. Both times, Jeff came in third — but he still managed to outsmart the game show for brainiacs.
Charles Hurt compares Barack Obama to Bernie Madoff in the unintentionally hilarious ‘Barackie Madoff’ rescue nothing but a $16B rip-off.
So it only seems fair that I compare Charles Hurt to John Wayne Gacy.
A couple in Louisiana who agreed to trade their cockatoo for two (human) children will avoid serving five years in prison by testifying against the woman who they traded with.
Between this and the story I read on Facebook about this, I have to say that Louisiana is nudging past Texas and the Carolinasfor the Most Depsicable State In America award.
Was Anna Nicole Smith having a lesbian affair with one of her enabling doctors?
Does anyone actually care?
Page 28 has three editorials: The Monserrate Stain calls for Hiram’s removal from politics, Paterson’s $3 Billion Chop claims that Paterson’s math is way off and his two years budget balancing will actually leave a $1,800,000,000 deficit when they’re over (meaning my prediction was more or less correct), and The Yanks’ Unfinished Business cheered on the Bronx Bombers as they (Jeebus willing) play the Angels tonight. The page also features 6 letters written in regarding Michael Goodwin’s last page of “Obama is a whiner about Fox” whining — and every one applauds Goodwin for “telling the truth.”
Page 28, you just made the list.
Uncle Sam’s ‘Kick Me’ Sign by Bill O’Reilly begins, “With apologies to Louis Armstrong, it’s no longer a wonderful world. Today, it’s a strange, dangerous world where fanaticism and treachery largely have replaced reason and humanity.”
“And,” he continued in my mind, “that’s just here at Fox News!”
Then Andrea Peyser started demanding his resignation (or ousting) because of his sexual harassment (not a consensual affair) of (at least) one of his employees.
Lou Lumenick’s two-star review of Where The Wild Things Are is titled (are you sitting down?) Return to Sendak. And they put a word balloon next to the kid playing Max’s mouth saying, “Wake me when it’s over!”
The last paragraph of the review: “So, fuhgeddabout Where The Wild Things Are? No, but brace yourself for a noble failure.”
“Wanna see a movie?” “Yeah. How about Where The Wild Things Are? I hear it’s a noble failure.” “Great! I’ll go get $70 out of the ATM!”
Lou also gives two stars to the movie Black Dynamite. “Though this is essentially a one-joke movie, it’s worth renting Black Dynamite when it comes out on DVD…”
I think we need to give Lou a one-star system. Either he likes it (one star) or he doesn’t (no stars).
Bye Bye Birdie sucks… in stereo!
On page 38, Michael Riedel reports that Gina Gershon is now asking other directors to help her not be terrible in the show, and on page 39, Elisabeth Vincentelli (or is it Vincent Elizabethelli?) gives the show one and a half stars (“Stamos and Gershon sure look great. Then they open their mouths.”).
I want to fix these two up on a blind date. They’re in the same industry, they work at the same editorial kindergarten, they’re both catty, he likes men, and she looks like one!
The cast for The Celebrity Apprentice 3: Can You Spot The Celebrities? has been revealed.
I have never heard of Curtis Stone (Australian celebrity chef!), Summer Sanders (Olympic swimmer!) and Maria Kanellis (a wrestler of some sort!). Bill Goldberg (another wrestler!) and Daryl Strawberry (he played baseball and did drugs — often simultaneously!) are athletes. Sharon Osbourne and Bret Michaels each have their own reality shows already. I don’t think Carol Leifer or Holly Robinson Peete have appeared on TV for over a decade. Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) should be in prison. Which means that the actual celebrities this season are…
Cyndi Lauper and Sinbad.
All this and Donald Trump? Followed by The Jay Leno Show?
What did I ever do to you, NBC?
Let’s hope the sky clears (this morning, I could have sworn it was snowing) and that baseball can be played.
Have a super-duper weekend.
After 18 years of captivity, Jaycee is smiling again
I guess there were a few Americans who weren’t sure if, having been rescued from the man who raped her for 18 years (and made her bear his children), Jaycee Dugard is smiling again. For them, the mystery has finally been solved. But what’s awesome is that the Post doesn’t have any photos of Jaycee Dugard smiling. You know who does? People Magazine.
That’s why the front page has a photo of Jaycee before she was kidnapped next to a cropped photo of the cover of People Magazine. And if you squint, you can see EXCL PH which is short for EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS. The article on page 9 features the People cover in its entirety, which hits stands tomorrow.
The Post describes Jaycee as “a strikingly beautiful 29-year-old” (anyone else find this to be in somewhat poor taste?) and excerpts the mega-exclusive People article. But, thanks to the Post, I won’t have to wait on line at Target to see her most recent photo! Hoorayz!
As goes the Tiffany Network, so goes the nation?
CBS Evening News correspondent Armen Keteyian is currently trying to dig up dirt on former 48 Hours producer Robert “Joe” Halderman (which is infuriating staffers at 48 Hours), Stephanie Birkitt (which is infuriating Stephanie’s parents) and David Letterman (a spokesman for Worldwide Pants said, “We have not been contacted by CBS News, but we would hope that any reporting on this matter focuses appropriately on the alleged felony extortion attempt on David Letterman.”).
Will this lead to a civil war between Letterman, 48 Hours and the CBS Evening News? Stay tuned!
If logic doesn’t work, try bribery!
The Socialist Kenyan Who Stole The White House For Acorn has asked Congress to fund a “mini-stimulus” (or as I like to call it, “chubs”) that would send $250.00 (tax free!) to almost 60,000,000 Americans — seniors, veterans and the disabled.
It’ll be fun to see Republicans try to shit on this idea without alienating their base (all Republicans are technically disabled).
Score one for the fat reverend!
Dave Checketts, chairman of the St. Louis Blues hockey club and leader of the group that is currently trying to buy the St.Louis Rams, has announced that “Rush Limbaugh’s participation had complicated the effort” — so Rush is no longer a participant.
“This is about the ongoing effort by the left in this country, wherever you find them, in the media, the Democrat Party, or wherever, to destroy conservatism, to prevent the mainstreaming of anyone who is prominent as a conservative,” sputtered the fat racist.
That’s why the Black players said they’d refuse to play if you were an owner. Because they are fighting to prevent the mainstreaming of conservatism. Moron.
Last night was the final preview performance of the new revival of Bye Bye Birdie. A “set mishap” stopped the show for 20 minutes. John Stamos (who’s in the show) tried to get audience member Don Rickles to join him onstage and tell jokes.
“I’m too old for this,” Rickles yelled back. “I came here for a night, not a weekend.”
Luckily, Stamos’ old pal Bob Saget got up on stage and helped everyone ride out the delay.
Tonight is opening night. I can’t wait for Michael Riedel’s evisceration to follow.
Pepsi created an iPhone app which offered advice on how to pick up women all over the world by breaking them down into 24 stereotypes. Women all over the world were very offended. They Twatted nasty abbreviated thoughts for hours, demanding that the app be removed from the iTunes store.
But, in a perfect example of what’s wrong with the world, Pepsi responded… via Twitter.
“Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologize if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback.”
And speaking of bad taste, drink Pepsi!
There’s a photo of 5-year-old Bryan Schuler, the lone survivor in the somewhat recent Taconic Parkway accident (the one where his mother, Diane, was drunk and high and driving the wrong way).He’s wearing an eye patch (the article says its for head trauma; he still has sight in both eyes).
Driving drunk is a far too common occurrence in our society. What if we severely expanded so that if you are ever caught driving drunk, you absolutely have to go to prison for a year. No excuses, no parole. Do you think that would make people more, less or just as hesitant to drive drunk.
My guess is more (hesitant). In fact, I guarantee that drunk-driving accidents would decline. Not disappear, surely, but I read about people who hit (and sometimes kill!) people with their cars while driving drunk and they get probation, warnings, suspended (though never revoked) driver’s licenses. Would they have started their cars if there was a year of prison time dangling over their heads?
I feel the same way about hate-crime legislation. The opposition can wrap themselves in Orwellian blankets all they like, but I still don’t understand why I should give a shit if a guy who beats someone to death with a baseball bat might erroneously be convicted of a hate crime in addition to his plain old murder charges.
Alex Duncan, 32, was “doused with water, pummeled with bottles and sucker-punched” by Busta Rhymes and Rhymes’ bodyguard on September 13, 2003 at a rap concert at SUNY Albany.
Duncan sued Rhymes for $500,000. A Broklyn hearing officer just ordered Rhymes to pay Duncan $75,000.
Kicking Alex Duncan’s ass is surprisingly affordable!
Coca-Cola recently acknowledged that Americans need help “managing their intake” of their high fructose corn syrup-laden beverages. And they swore to help. And they have.
90-calorie “mini-cans” of their poison will be available in New York and Washington, D.C. this December. Now fat people can fool themselves into thinking they’re doing something healthy for themselves while still drinking the things that made them that way.
(waves miniature American flag)
Andrew Kelly, the officer who drove drunk and killed Vionique Valnord, has been indicted on charges of vehicular manslaughter, DWI and speeding.
I look forward to seeing who ultimately gets convicted of what (his fellow officers allegedly did some shady stuff for his protection).
Joe Francis claims that Brody Jenner has the “smallest penis I’ve ever seen.”
And you saw his penis… why?
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Mariah Carey’s pet name for her husband, Nick Cannon, is “DJ Sex Fingers.”
Really? He must have a smaller penis than Brody Jenner!
Andrea Peyser still has the David Letterman Countdown Clock (it’s 1,174 until the horndog’s contract expires!). Today, she complains that their is no real difference between Bloomberg and Thompson (maybe this will help: one is a White trillionaire who extended term limits against the wishes of his constituents, and the other wears glasses).
She also spends the bulk of her page rolling her eyes and wondering why anyone would want to hear about (let alone “hang out with”) Christie Brinkley and/or Peter Cook (“Crazy couple’s a kick, if they don’t kill each other“).
The irony, she is thick.
Captain Lou Albano has passed away. He was 76. He will be missed (which was almost impossible when he was alive).
The current production of Tosca at the Metropolitan Opera has already had its share of misfortune (the show and its director were booed on opening night). This won’t help: Star Paul Plishka has a 46-year-old son named Jeffrey who has just been charged with the murder of Laura Ronning in July 1991. DNA has connected him to Ronning’s murder; investigators claim that Plishka shot Ronning in the head and then raped her as she died. The death penalty is being sought.
Cindy Adams spends her entire column reminiscing about her friend, Imelda Marcos.
I’m hoping this is the calm before the aneurysm.
A bodyguard recently testified that Howard K. Stern used to inject Anna Nicole Smith with drugs.
Anybody even mildly surprised by this?
A teeny article about Susan Collins (“GOP pol softens on O’s health plan”) cites the other Republican who is siding with the Dems as “Olympia Snow.” Someone please teach Carl Campanile how to use Google.
Remember that poor lady who was left by her chef fiancee mere hours before their wedding and had to host (and pay for) the night-before party all by herself? Well, the fiancee (Todd English) now claims that the reason he walked was that Erica Wang hit him, leaving a gash above his eye that required seven stitches.
Now I’m torn: Who should I care less about?
Belgium hosted a Miss Homeless contest. The winner was given an apartment. For a year.
Congratulations, Belgium. You have out-Japanned America!
Linda Brown, 44, entered a Burlington Coat Factory in Columbus, Ohio and announced that she had just won the lottery and that everypne’s purchases were on her.
By the time police arrived, there were 500 people in the store and another 1,000 trying to get in.
Linda Brown didn’t win the lottery.
She was arrested on three outstanding warrants, but hasn’t been charged for the BCF riot (they’re waiting for the psychiatric evaluation to come back).
I say this is karma for the BCF ad campaign that left bags unattended all over New York.
One of today’s editorials is Paterson Steps Up, which praises the current governor for announcing a plan to close the budget gap. I’m assuming there will be an editorial tomorrow about what an irrelevant dimwit he is.
Poor Kenneth Zimmerman of Huntington Beach, California. He wrote in to the Post on behalf of Rush Limbaugh.
“I don’t know what all the fuss was about conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh owning a pro football team. Even if he had become an owner, he wouldn’t have been the majority owner, so he wouldn’t have run the team or made the decisions. People were getting excited and upset over nothing.”
Ken (may I call you Ken?), it isn’t that people were afraid that he would make the decisions. People didn’t want a racist to profit off of the work of the people he insulted. The players didn’t want to play in a league that would allow such a man to be — in any way – an owner.
Besides, I think the only reason Rush became involved in the first place is that he was told that he would become “a minority owner” and that excited him.
Citigroup stock is now back at $5.00/share.
Wall Street icon Bruce Wasserstein, 61, was hospitalized a few days ago for an irregular heartbeat. The good news is that his heartbeat is no longer irregular.
The bad news is that he is dead.
R. Allen Stanford (who recently got into a jailhouse scuffle resulting in two black eyes and a broken nose) made his first appearance in court and repeatedly “wiped blood from his nose and spat into a cup.”
Criminal justice.
Remember when Sumner Redstone swore that he would stop selling his Viacom and CBS stocks?
He just sold ALL of his common stock in both entities.
And he doesn’t look a day over Paleolithic.
The New York Times has announced that they will not be selling The Boston Globe. They say it’s because the Globe has “significantly improved its financial performance.”
I say it’s because no one would pay anywhere near what they were asking (especially since the number of Bostonians who can read continues its fall into the low triple-digits).
Who cares what Billy Wagner says? Not his agent. He says that Wagner has “every intention of playing” in 2010.
Well, it won’t be for Boston, that’s for sure.
Pedro Martinez, who didn’t pitch in the NLDS because of rain, will pitch Game 2 of the NLCS.
Pedro pitching to Manny Ramirez? Who do I root against more?
Well, I want to see Torre come back to the Bronx for all the marbles, so consider me a Dodger fan for the next few days.
As a Dodger fan, let me ask Torre, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re starting Clayton Kershaw tonight? Are you insane? Lifetime, he’s 0-3 with a 6.45 ERA against the Phillies! This season alone he’s 0-2 with a 5.23 ERA!”
As for the Yankees, Girardi is starting Sabathia tomorrow, but still hasn’t decided who will pitch the following two games. It today’s weather is any indication, we may not have a game tomorrow.
Linda Stasi gives Season 4 of 30 Rock two and a half stars.
“‘Have I lost my roots?,’ [Tracy] cries. ‘I better talk to Rabbi Schmuley!’ Now that’s a hilarious line — but only if you happen to live and work right next door to 30 Rock and work in the media and get the reference to media hog Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, who was Michael Jackson’s guru. Talk about art imitating life!”
While I agree that the line is hilarious, I would say that a thuggish Black man — trying to regain an attachment to his roots — seeking counsel with a rabbi is funny by itself. But then, Linda warns that 30 Rock is in danger of becoming The Office, which she calls “a great show that went from funny to smart to smug.” She also reveals a plot point in tonight’s premiere and opines, “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling very jump the shark right now.” Which is the worst use of that hackneyed phrase I’ve seen in the years since people stopped using it entirely.
30 Rock has been the best sitcom on television for the last three seasons. I have faith that it will continue its reign, despite what Linda Stasi thinks (or doesn’t).
Poor Michael Starr.
Today, he had to write a piece about Brooks Brothers’ new $998 limited-edition “Mad Men Edition” suit, which is inspired by the AMC show that Rich Sommer steals whenever he appears (in my humble opinion).
He has to praise the suit and the show and at no point is he allowed to complain about how overhyped Mad Men is.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 is ending in mid-November. Kate Plus 8 will begin…. sometime later than that.
Even TLC’s press releases are tired of them!
Can I vote for Vincent Morgan yet?
Happy Thursday, peeps. The weekend (slowly) approaches!
Teresa’s doctor has once again outdone himself in both the incompetence department and the unapologetic department (which are both on the 5th floor). When (if) I get her blessing, I will tear this asshole a new… asshole in the Hall of Fame for Jerks (which I’ve wanted to do since he insisted that my wife never asked to stay overnight at NYU after her radiation, despite her repeatedly doing so — thank God [and Bethany] that NYU stepped in to help).
But for now, let’s get Posty.
The cover story today (CITY MAUL) covers last night’s mayoral debate between incumbent/sure thing Mike Bloomberg and Bill Something (Thomerson? Tompkins? Timpton?). The paper’s “panel of undecided voters” weren’t impressed by either candidate.
“I feel like I was looking for a reason to vote for Thompson, and I still haven’t gotten it yet,” said Rod Colvin, 39, of Long Island City. Emmet Sullivan, 23, of the East Village seemed to agree when he said, “Bloomberg’s not offering anything different, and Thompson’s not offering anything.” “There was no substance in their answers,” lamented Smita Saran, 25, of Murray Hill, who has obviously never seen a political debate in America before.
Thompson was aggressive in smearing Bloomberg and might have actually picked up some undecided voters… unless they know who Pedro Espada is. When asked if Espada was a better Senate majority leader than Joe Bruno was, he said “yes.” I forget… how long did Joe Bruno keep the state senate hostage? And how many girlfriend-beaters did he abandon his party with? And how much money did Bruno steal?
Yeah. Tomlinson doesn’t have a chance in Hell.
Here’s a tip for any bus driver that might be operating a vehicle I’m on today: don’t take part in the MTA’s “Day of Outrage.”
The Transit Workers Union’s plan is for their members to protest their contract dispute with the MTA by having drivers take 20 minute breaks along their routes, creating “a domino effect that would severely disrupt bus schedules.”
If I am on your bus and you pull over for a random 20-minute break (to prove that you deserve a raise), I will drive your bus to where I’m going. Count on it.
And bonus points to mayoral hopeless Bill Thompson for assuring the TWU that this plan doesn’t violate the state Taylor Law.
British scientist Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the man who wrote the original code for the Internet, explained the reason for the two slashes that precede the “www” an all web addresses: There isn’t one. He said that, in hindsight, he should have left them out of the code.
However did they win the war?
Quinnipiac University Professor Grace Levine has promised to “be more attentive” about placing students in internships at Late Show with David Letterman. Why bother? Anyone who’s enrolled at Quinnipiac University is already getting fucked out of a good education.
Well, the Baucus Bill has been approved by a the Senate Finance Committee and Olympia Snowe has voted in favor of it.
And it doesn’t have a public option.
But, that’s one of the compromises they had to make so that OF THE THREE REPUBLICANS THAT HELPED DRAFT THE BILL, ONE OF THEM WOULD VOTE FOR IT.
So now everyone is forced to get insurance from companies that overcharge and deny coverage to people that pay for it. Great job, Democrats!
I feel sick. And poorly insured.
Joe Brooks, 70, the Oscar-winning composer of “You Light Up My Life,” is awaiting trial on charges of sexual abuse (of eleven different women). But in the meantime, he’s suing his 22-year-old ex-fiancee (Joaly Gomez) for the engagement ring back, the Mercedes-Benz back, and $550,000 in cash back.
They fell in love shortly before it was revealed that he was a serial rapist. But they stayed together. And then Joe found Joaly’s marriage certificate. And then he called off the engagement and now he wants his stuff back.
That kind of betrayal hurts, doesn’t it, Joe? Well, if you think that’s bad, wait until you get to prison. They are going to really light up your life in there. I promise.
New York City keeps breakin’ records! 39,243 homeless people in shelters! An all-time high!
(or low, depending on how you look at it)
Vincent Morgan was Charlie Rangel’s campaign director in 2002. He plans on running against the raspy-voiced tax cheat in 2010.
Can I vote for him yet?
Michael Goodwin! A whole ding-dong page!
Nobelist turning whiny as his medal is tested (see what he did there?) accuses Obama of whining and complaining that people aren’t being fair to him, and of attacking anyone who disagrees with him. “The woe-is-me complaints suggest the occupant of the Oval Office, Nobel Prize and all, is feeling weak and small.”
And what of the folks he attacks? Who are they, Mike?
“The targets, from the Fox News Channel to the insurance industry to gay-rights bloggers, stand accused of being unfair, self-serving or unrealistic. Each attack contained a whiff of self-pity, revealing just how difficult Obama is finding the transition from candidate to superpower president. The attacks on Fox, where I am a contributor, are a fresh assault on an old target. While it is true that hosts on some popular programs openly oppose Obama policies, the White House has no problems with two other cable networks, CNN and MSNBC, that tilt in his favor. So its not opinion journalism that bothers the White House, only critical opinion.”
Gee, Mike. You sound like you’re whining. A lot. And your complaints that Fox isn’t taken seriously by people with the capacity for rational thought, well, that’s on you not them. Bonus points for saying that “popular programs openly oppose Obama policies.”
The bottom corner of the page has the header Thank God and I will now present it in its entirety: “The headline sent my heart racing. I scanned the article under ‘Pope Canonizes Five New Saints,’ doing a quick search of the five holies. Relief. None was named Obama.”
I hope the guy who sent that joke to the sports pages (where it was published yesterday) writes in to complain that Goodwin fucked up his joke.
Ron Darling owes $544,197 in state and federal taxes.
Even retired Mets can’t catch a break this year!
Page Six (today on page 10) reports that Pamela Anderson forced a 9-year-old to hold up the train of her dress for the entirety of the Hollywood Style Awards, and to sit on the floor (only Pam got an actual seat). The girl is believed to be the daughter of Pam’s make-up artist.
The Child Labor Coalition is looking into whether or not what Pam did was illegal or just in poor taste.
Did the girl’s mother not realize that this would put her child’s face within 3 feet of the Hepatitisiest hoo-hah in California for hours?
The players on the St. Louis Rams are 70% Black. Rush Limbaugh belongs to the Everglades Club in Palm Beach.
The Everglades Club doesn’t allow Black members. In fact, C.Z. Guest was suspended for bringing her friend Estee Lauder there in 1972 (because Lauder was Jewish). James Kimberly (heir to the Kleenex fortune) once brought Sammy Davis Jr. there… and they were both escorted out.
But Limbaugh will defend his membership. He’ll paint himself as a victim being unjustly criticized by jealous people.
The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton said, “I may go down to Florida with some brothers and sisters to see if we can have dinner at the Everglades. Guess who’s coming to dinner at the Everglades?”
Which fat windbag will prevail?
If the trade-off for being a billionaire is that you have to dress like Mary-Kate Olsen, then I’m cool with poverty.
A court has ordered Jon Gosselin to return $180,000 he stole from a joint bank account. He has until October 26th to do so.
He and his wife remain two of America’s most detestable citizens. Plus eight.
Cindy Adams asks, “And anyone know Antonio Sabato’s tattoo is the Batman distress signal: a spotlight beam over which Batman’s silhouette appears?”
1) I didn’t know that. Or who Antonio Sabato is.
2) What you described is the Bat-signal. Batman doesn’t have a distress signal.
3) The Bat-signal features Batman’s chest emblem, not his silhouette.
4) Get. In. The. Box.
Hiram Monserrate will find out whether he’s guilty or not guilty (well, we both know he’s guilty — he’ll find out if he was found guilty) tomorrow afternoon.
If he goes to jail, the Dems will have a 31-30 majority. And Espada will probably defect again.
TMZ posted pictures of Maria Shriver driving while talking on her cell phone. On two different occasions.
Her husband (Govuhnuh Ah-nuld) has promised “swift action.”
Shriver insists the photos are not of her, but of a broom and some oily rags.
A stupid woman jaywalked the other day and would up under one of those double-decker buses that Germans so adore. So today, the Post has a point/counterpoint on whether jaywalking should remain a crime. Robert Sinclair Jr., the spokesman for AAA New York insists that jaywalking is wrong. The case for jaywalking is presented by… Colin Quinn? Yay!
“Walking is our car. You need to jaywalk just to make the light.”
“Now I’ll draw the line at the diagonal jay walk — that doesn’t do anyone any good and could be hard on the brake pads. Have I ever done the diagonal jay walk? Of course I have, but it’s still wrong.”
Lord, how I miss Tough Crowd.
A portrait that was sold by Christie’s for $19,000 in 1998 to Kate Ganz. In 2007, it was resold to Peter Silverman for $22,000.
Recent analysis has concluded that it is actually a sketch by Leonardo da Vinci and worth $147,000,000.
I think maybe we should confiscate Kate’s shoelaces and belt (if you know what I mean).
You think Carmen Huertas is reprehensible? Dig this:
Her husband saw she was drunk before she drove seven girls onto and over the Henry Hudson Parkway (killing one of them). He told other people at the party they were all at that her wife was in no condition to drive. He went outside to beg her not to drive drunk. She refused, so he grabbed his son out of the car (but not his step-daughter, Brittany), got in a cab and left.
Hey, Eduardo Henriquez! You are directly responsible for that girl’s death! The father of the victim said, “[Brittany] was blaming herself because it was her mother who was driving. She says she’s getting mean messages from other kids saying she should have been the one who died.”
I disagree. It should have been Carmen and she should have taken Eduardo with her.
Jacob Sullum (a senior editor at Reason, so you know he lacks it) has an op-ed on why hate crime legislation is stupid.
His “reasoning” is that the murderers of Matthew Shepard and James Byrd were convicted without hate-crime laws, so the system works just fine without them. Shephard is the gay man who was beaten to death for being gay (and whose murder was recently called a “hoax” by Rep. Virginia Foxx [R-NC]), Byrd is the man who was dragged behind a truck because he was Black.
Sullum explains how the hate-crime legislation means that someone might serve more time for screaming, “dirty kike” while beating someone with a baseball bat than for the actual assault.
I find it adorable whenever someone introduces the “slippery slope” argument (especially in a racial slur argument, for a number of reasons). “If the government can prosecute me for screaming ‘Die, niggers!’ while trying to stab as many Black people as I can, then what’s next? Adding time to my sentence for insulting someone’s religious beliefs?” Sure. What would be so bad about that?
This has nothing to do with Orwell; if America is founded on the idea that its citizens deserve religious freedom, then any time someone tries to rip a Muslim woman’s burka (burqua? burqa?) or steal a Jew’s yarmulke or throw a Koran in a toilet (see what I did there?), they should be prosecuted for religious persecution. Why are you defending the rights of the people who dragged James Byrd to a slow and painful death? Why do you care if people who live in towns where “beating up swishy fags” is acceptable will now be further penalized is by some miracle one of their victims lives to testify against them?
“First they came for the Jews and I did nothing…” is what many of you might be thinking. But that’s not what this is — it’s the opposite of that. People in this country continue to be attacked for the color of their skin and/or their sexual orientation. Every day it happens. Is it better than it was thirty years ago? Absolutely. Do we need to do more to curb these despicable assaults? Absolutely.
THIS happened recently in my city. That’s the police commissioner calling it a hate crime. Watch the video and explain to me why I should be concerned that these two scumbags might be penalized for hating homosexuals on top of what I hope are their life sentences.
“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi nevertheless claims the federal hate-crime law upholds ‘the ideals of our Founding Fathers’ — who evidently were big on punishing people for their beliefs, retrying defendants after they’re acquitted and letting Congress make a federal case out of anything that attracts its attention.”
Were they big on punishing people for their beliefs? No. Were the two guys that beat Matthew Shepard to death punishing him for his? Yup. And wasn’t America founded on its citizens being allowed to pursue happiness? Why can’t gay Americans be free to pursue theirs?
I’ll say it again, homos. Call being gay a religion. Then people like Jacob will have to defend your right to be gay.
Moody’s has downgraded Lenox Hill Hospital’s credit outlook to “negative.”
It needs to merge with another institution — stat! — or it will flatline.
The PULSE section has a great way of telling whether or not a Hollywood celebrity (or Heather Mills) has had Botox on their face: Bunny lines!
If they get wrinkles or either side of their nose when they smile, then they’ve had botulism injected into their faces. Virginia Madsen! Kate Hudson! Nicole Kidman! Renee Zellweger! Sylvester Stallone! Mickey Rourke! Heather Mills! They all have bunny lines!
Though, with Rourke and Kidman, the bunny lines are hardly the most telling clues.
The Phillies and the Dodgers play Game 1 of the NLCS tomorrow night. Friday night is the start of the ALCS.
The thought of Joe Torre facing the Yankees in the World Series makes me smile.
Going through Abreu to get there is bittersweet, but he’s great to watch play.
Joel Sherman recommends that the Yanks keep their roster the same for the ALCS — with one exception. He says leave Eric Hinske off and replace him with Freddy Guzman. Since the Angels consistently beat us by stealing bases whenever they can (also known as “marbles in a bathtub”), maybe having another Brett Gardner (Guzman is fast) would help fight fire with fire? But I would also replace Damaso Marte with Brian Bruney. I think Bruney can do more for us on the mound.
Joe Girardi is seriously considering starting CC Sabathia in 3 (three) of the ALCS gaes (if necessary). He’ll start Game 1 as part of a proposed 3-man rotation (Burnett and Pettitte would join him). That leaves Chamberlain and Gaudin for the bullpen (with Coke, Hughes, Rivera, et al). The only possible wrench in the works for that plan? Friday night has a 40% chance of rain. If the game is cancelled, the 3-man rotation might not be possible.
Now can I vote for Vincent Morgan?
Is TLC canceling Jon & Kate Plus 8, which they just renamed Kate Plus 8? OMG! How will those monsters psychologically mutilate their children now?
Michael Starr can’t seem to figure out why Dancing With the Stars is losing viewers.
It’s because I continue to ask America to stop watching it. And America loves me. And I love America (but I’m not in love with America). And it’s because Michael Starr is thick.
The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty is scheduled to air on A & E in December. The cast includes Prince, Paris and Blanket Jackson. Janet Jackson is OK with this. Rebbie Jackson, who refused to appear on the show, objects to the kids being featured.
The grandmother, Katherine, who has custody of the three future drug casualties (they’ll get it from their father, whoever that may be), is on the side of the TV show.
E-he.
There were 2 NFL games scheduled for November 1st. Vikings-Packers at 1:00 p.m. and Giants-Eagles at 4:15 p.m.
The games will still happen, but the 1:00 game is now the 4:15 game and vice-versa.
Why? Because the last Vikings-Packers game gave ESPN 21,000,000 viewers. That’s the most viewers for any cable TV program ever.
How’s that make you feel, undefeated Giants?
Cougar Town: 9:30 p.m. on WABC 7. Jules inadvertently tells Grayson she finds him attractive, but when he doesn’t reciprocate, she does all she can to get him to admit she’s sexy.
I wouldn’t wish this program on anyone except Andrea Peyser. And Michael Goodwin. And Courtney Cox. And her functionally retarded husband.
Have a good day, kids!
MADOFF IN JAIL BRAWL
Bruising battle — over stox!
I was really excited about this headline. I’ve been waiting for the inevitable shiv-poking of Madoff. The man deserves the worst that the penal system has to offer — the rape-ier, the better. But then I read this: “And, by all accounts, the 71-year-old swindler emerged victorious, giving him new jailhouse cred.” A quick flip of the page informs me that his assailant was also “a senior citizen” and that he shoved Madoff and Madoff shoved him back harder. The guy fell down and then ran away.
“‘I didn’t think Bernie had it in him. He got the best of him; he was really aggressive, and the other guy was in shock that he fought back,’ an inmate said.”
How exciting. No, not exciting. What’s the other word? Oh, yeah. Dull.
Two old men push each other and this is going to improve Bernie’s “cred”? Are the other inmates all elderly cowards?
Way to get my hopes up, Post.
Page 3 has a nice photo of Otis Houston Jr.
He likes to wear a hat with a slice of watermelon and flowers on the top. And boxing gloves.
He used to hang out on the FDR Drive, waving to drivers and causing traffic jams, but he recently moved to the West Side Highway because “cops [there] don’t write as many tickets.”
Otis explains that his hat signifies his belief in “God, eating right and exercise.” He calls what he does “art.”
And in the photo in today’s paper, Otis smiles, wearing no boxing gloves (he’s holding various fruits instead) and only one sneaker.
And that’s two-thirds of page 3.
O sick over health-bill study implies that America’s Health Insurance Plans’ recent report has made Obama “sick.”
Here are some of the definitions/synonyms for sick that I found at thesaurus.com: not healthy, not feeling well, ailing, bedridden, broken down, debilitated, defective, diseased, feeble, frail, impaired, lousy, weak… morbid, gross, black (racism!), sadistic… fed up, bored, jaded… ailing, enfeebled, sickly, wasting… amiss, wrong, defective, awry, bad, confused, crooked, erroneous, fallacious, false, faulty, foul, improper, inaccurate, inappropriate, incorrect, mistaken, unfair…
The AHIP report was responded to by Obama’s spokesman Reid Cherlin: “This is a distorted and flawed report from the insurance industry and cannot be taken seriously.” But people that hate Obama (and don’t want no Muslin to kill their grandmaw) are taking it seriously. The best analogy I can come up with is if McDonald’s ran a commercial that said “The FDA wants to force us to improve the quality of the meat in our burgers. That’s going to make you pay more and our products more unhealthy. Please don’t let Washington molest your grandparents.”
The industry is corrupt. For Christ’s sake, a health-insurance company in Colorado refused to cover a 4-month-old baby that weighed 17 pounds BECAUSE HIS OBESITY WAS A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION. They’ve since changed their mind (media scrutiny can be helpful at times), but that fat baby is hardly alone in the Getting Jerked Around Department (3rd floor). Reform is necessary. Asking the people who currently steal money from dying Americans (and refuse them the coverage they paid for) to weigh in on the debate is like asking Roman Polanski to help redefine what constitutes rape.
But the headline for this little sound bite does its job. As does the repulsive editorial later on. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
How much will it cost to repair the Tappan Zee Bridge?
$16,000,000,000.
To help pay for it, a new $50,000 toll will be installed next month.
Hillary Clinton was asked if she plans to run for POTUS again.
“No.”
“No?” asked Ann Curry (again).
“No. No. I mean this is a great job. It is a 24-7 job. And I’m looking forward to retirement at some point.”
Then Clinton walked backstage and punched a hole through an intern.
You know that wildly mediocre new Michael Jackson song? The one that Dan Aquilante believes could outsell every other single since the dawn of man?
Paul Anka wrote it. In 1983.
Fans started asking him if he noticed the similarity between his “I Never Heard” and Jackson’s “This Is It.”
“What do you mean that sounds like my song? That is my song. It’s the same damn song! That’s me on the piano, those are my fingers popping!”
The Jackson estate has agreed to give Anka 50% of the song’s profits.
You might want to hire a really good lawyer, Paul.
Another crane collapse, but this time it was in Philadelphia. Three injuries, one fatality.
Someone should ask the companies that make these shoddy cranes if regulation is necessary to prevent future accidents.
Joe Francis joined the recent Gay Rights march in Washington, D.C. because, “with the gay movement, it’s personal.The same religious right assholes who took away my civil rights and put me in jail for a year because they don’t like what I do for a living have taken away gay rights. I know firsthand how it feels to have your civil rights stripped away from you. P.S., lots of lesbians marched, too.
I imagine that Gay America now understands how Roman Polanski felt when Woody Allen voiced his support for him.
Carly Simon is suing Starbucks.
No, she didn’t spill coffee on her reproductive organs. She claims that they didn’t properly promote the album she recorded for them. She wants $5,000,000 – $10,000,000.
Starbucks says that they marketed the album as per their agreement and that people just didn’t want her new album. The company is hoping that the upcoming release of their exclusive Jennifer Warnes album will sell like hotcakes.
More about the 7-girl/1-drunk mom car accident.
“‘As they were driving, her own daughter [Brittany] said, ‘Mommy, slow down!” recounted Melody Sanchez, whose daughter, Kayla Fernandez, 11, was in Carmen Huertas’ swerving car early Sunday when the group left a birthday party in Chelsea. ‘And [Huertas] said, ‘If you think this is bad, wait until we get on the highway.’ Huertas, 31, then said, ‘I don’t care about these other kids — only my baby,’ a reference to her 1-year-old child, who was not in the car, Sanchez said her daughter told her. ‘And her daughter said, ‘What about me, Mom? I’m your daughter,” Sanchez said. But chillingly, Huertas did not reply.”
Huertas’ brother claims that she is suicidal now. Good.
Daniel Aleman, 26, and Daniel Rodriguez, 21, decided that Jack Price, 49, was a little too gay for their tastes, so they jumped him in Queens and fractured his jaw and ribs and lacerated his spleen. He’s currently in a medically induced coma (in serious but stable condition).
It’s bad enough that hate crimes continue anywhere, but if a gay man can’t safely walk the streets of Queens…
Do I think Rush Limbaugh should be allowed to buy an NFL team? Nope. Am I happy that The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton has taken up the cause with the NFL? Nope.
Limbaugh, who claims that his racist statements about Donovan McNabb were misconstrued by idiots, told his idiot listeners, “This has nothing to do with the National Football League. It has nothing to do with the St. Louis Rams. It has nothing to do with anything other than a bunch of slanderous, jealous, incompetent sportswriters.”
On second thought, maybe it takes a fat blowhard to fight a fat blowhard. Go get ‘im, Fat Al.
NBC, which just cancelled the best drama they had (Southland), has just told the cast of Glee that they can’t have a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. They claim that they don’t want to showcase and promote a rival network’s property. Like when they had an American Idol float. And a High School Musical float. And a Bart Simpson balloon.
Fuck you for thinking that people would see a stupid float in that dumb-ass parade and think, “Maybe I should watch that show on the TV from now on!”
And fuck you for canceling Southland. Fans of the show (or folks who just want more details), click here.
The show has about a week to get picked up by another network (*cough cough* HBO *cough*). If it gets no takers, it goes away for good.
Thankfully, Jay Leno is still awful at 10:00 — five nights a week! Forever!
In the daily Weird BUT true sidebar, the Post reports that Louisville, Kentucky has launched a new ad campaign promoting their town as a place where a guy “can find a girl with a tattooed butt.”
I really wanted to find the ad, so I checked YouTube. Here it is:
Fun fact: this was uploaded to YouTube in January of 2008. Weird but true!
Do you own a Sidekick from T-Mobile? Then you probably just lost all of the data in your phone.
All the numbers, all the pictures, all the passwords, everything.
Last week, there was a data outage. Then service came back intermittently. Now folks are reporting that their phones have been wiped clean.
T-Mobile continues to warn customers not to reset their phones yet.
But anyone who still has an account with them after this last week+ is quite silly.
Shout For Huey Genitals (sorry, Ralph Peters) laments that the U.S. is “stuck in two nations’ civil wars.” And those countries are…
Did you guess the U.S.? Ha! Good guess, but no.
Did you guess Iraq? Ha! No. “Opponents of our involvement in Iraq — foes of President Bush, really — constantly claimed that country was in a state of civil war. Iraq came close, but the civil war never quite happened.”
No, the two civil wars we’re currently in the middle of are in Afghanistan and Pakistan. And Ralph says that, if the Afghani people don’t get their shit together and take charge themselves, then there’s no way we can win there. B’also, he thinks we need more troops there.
Wait. What?
Yup, Obama has appointed Lt. Gen. William B. Caldwell IV to go to Afghanistan and try to organize the natives into an army capable of fighting the terrorists themselves. Which, Peters admits, may not be possible.
“As our country awaits an unprepared president’s decision on more troops for Afghanistan, Caldwell’s appointment slipped under the media radar. But his job’s the crucial one. Afghanistan’s fate doesn’t rely on more American troops, but on Afghan commitment. If Afghans and Pakistanis wont save their own countries from civil wars, they can’t be saved.”
But… then why is it so abhorrent that Obama may not send 40,000 more troops to a place that YOU YOURSELF JUST SAID might be a lost cause? You stink, Peters.
Three editorials:
1) Health-Reform Lemon treats the AHIP report as gospel (bonus points: it refers to it as “the Pricewaterhouse Coopers report” in the hopes that no one connects it to the companies that we’re trying to reform): “Bottom line: By 2019, ‘reform’ would add as much as $4,000 to the average family’s premium and $1,500 to the individual plan.” Bottom line: They’re wrong and you’re irresponsible for parroting their ignorance.
2) Who’ll Save New York? laments that “Gov. Paterson, not surprisingly, has decided to cower in a corner as New York barrels toward a California-style fiscal meltdown.” Not surprisingly? So… now you’re back on the “he’s incompetent” bandwagon? You’re no longer making his the victim of the White House’s back-stabbing shenanigans? You’re admitting that the man who wasn’t elected to the post isn’t good at it? So… you agree that he shouldn’t run for re-election? “Dicker reports that the gov wants the Legislature to take the hit for unpopular cuts, leaving him better positioned to run for election next year. In reality, the move only reconfirms his irrelevance.” He’s irrelevant. Gotcha. So… I won’t be reading much about him in the next year…?
3) Foiling the Fool-harmonic (see what they did there?) is my fave. “The New York Philharmonic’s global ‘commie tour’ has hit a snag: The orchestra had to cancel its jaunt to Cuba after the Treasury Department said its wealthy backers couldn’t come along. Pity those poor rich (hypocritical) capitalists — and their (misguided) musical wards.” It goes on to complain, “When last heard from, the Philharmonic was playing court minstrel for North Korean madman Kim Jong-il — while his people starved. It’s doubtful the political prisoners in the Castros’ jails would’ve gotten to enjoy the show either.” And it ends with, “Still, it’s not like the fun’s completely ruined: The Philharmonic is slated to play Communist Vietnam this weekend. Talk about tone deaf.” Wait a minute… Vietnam is communist? But… but… now every other country around it will become communist! It’s the Domino Theory, people! Sound the alarms!
Talk about stupid.
Howard Lipset of Port Washington writes in to say, “I know why all of the Democrats voted not to kick out Rangel: They want the same courtesy when their tax fraud becomes known.”
See House Dems? You lay down with dogs, you get fleas. This is how people see you now. Make the fat bastard step down, or lose your next election.
The yen and the euro are now more favored currencies (for banks’ reserve currency) than the dollar
December 21, 2012 can’t get here soon enough.
There’s a new cable channel joining the line-up on October 30th: Epix! They show movies! And in honor of their grand premiere, their first movie will be… Iron Man? Really? Hasn’t that already been on cable for a while?
Oh, well. Best of luck, Epix!
The Original SoupMan is opening an eatery in the Mohegan Sun’s food court at the Winter Casino. It will have all of the soups in every other franchise, but it will be the first to also offer sandwiches — named for NYC landmarks including:
The Little Italy? Nice. The Ellis Island? Sweet. The Jones Beach? Uh, OK. The Belmont? Makes me think of horses. The Penn Station? Makes me think of the smell of bum pee. The Hudson? Are you insane?
In other tangential Seinfeld news, Jason Alexander will be performing at The Concert Venue at Harrah’s in Atlantic City on October 17th “as Donny Clay.” That’s his fake motivational speaker character. I liked that idea better when Peter Gwinn was doing it at the UCB.
And it didn’t cost $40-$60 for a ticket.
Mandy Stadtmiller has a lovely article that asks if women are more miserable today because of all the new rights they have (they work! they can be the boss! they multi-task!). It’s not a very good piece (lots of women whining about something or other), but Julie Klausner made me laugh at the end.
“Based on what I see on the news, it looks like women — and older women in particular — are happier than ever. I should mention that what I call ‘the news,’ Time Warner Cable insists on labeling on their channel guide as Cougartown.“
Bob Dylan’s new Christmas album is out
And may God have mercy on its soul.
The Chicago Cubs have filed for Chapter 11 protection. This will allow their parent company to sell them for $845,000,000.
Will this break the Billy Goat Curse?
John Siciliano of the Bronx asks, “Do you know why Obama was not one of the five new saints named by the Pope? In order to be canonized you have to have done something.”
Like die of leprosy.
Mariano Rivera’s lifetime ERA in the postseason is 0.74 — that’s for over 121 innings in 79 games.
That is beyond ridiculous. How can you not love this guy?
Billy Wagner, former choking Met and now former choking Red Sox (they agreed not to pick up Wagner’s $8,800,000 option for 2010), is headed for retirement. Everyone figured he’d play one more year (he has 385 saves — just 15 away from 400), but he says that reaching that milestone is “just dust in the wind.”
Oh, Billy… (presses breast against the glass)
Poor New York Jets. Their morbidly obese coach couldn’t help them beat Miami.
They’re now 3-2. The Giants are 5-0.
More Southland news.
Apparently, the 6 episodes that were ordered by NBC (and which were supposed to air in less than three weeks) were deemed “too dark and gritty for the 9:00 hour on broadcast television.” And since Jay Leno owns the 10:00 slot it used to occupy, NBC decided to cancel it (not even a move to Saturday nights? really?). A & E passed on picking up the homeless show, but TNT might pick it up.
Please go to cable. Please don’t go to a network that will agree with the “too dark and gritty” nonsense.
It is a phenomenal show. Please don’t let it get Arrested Developmented.
Hell’s Kitchen is airing the last two episodes of the season tonight. Back-to-back.
Who will get yelled at the most? Who will mutter under their breath? What will Whoopi Goldman shout when he comes back? Find out tonight, donkey!
No dice in Brooklyn. Can’t seem to get onto the great bandwidth in the sky, so I’m writing this in Hartsdale (we were coming up anyway — a happy accident, if you will).
Last night’s game was another close one. Carl “The Great Pavumpkin” Pavano pitched a great game (!), but Mr. Andrew Pettitte pitched a better one.
The ALDS is over. The ALCS in next, followed by some sort of infinite ordered set of terms combined together by the addition operator, which I believe is global.
Sadly, because they swept their opponents and schedules were scheduled in case the full 5 games were necessary, the Yankees don’t take the field again until Friday. Until then? Nothin’ to do but bask in their glow. And smile.
Dan Aquilante reviews Michael Jackson’s new single “This Is It” (which is actually an outtake from 1991’s Dangerous), currently streaming on michaeljackson.com. Dan says “the song is such a whopper, it could become the biggest-selling single of all time.”
The guy was talented. He wrote some incredibly catchy tunes. “This Is It” isn’t one of them. Even the lyrics are mediocre (it opens with “This is it, here I stand, I’m gonna light up the world, I feel grand”).
Will it sell millions of copies? Absolutely. Will people be listening to it in a year? As Whitney might say, “Hell to the no.”
E-he.
Shari Logan and Adam Nichols blow the lid off of the seedy underbelly of the Halloween costume industry with BE SCARED, MOM!, a hard-hitting expose of how costumes for young girls have become highly sexualized (fathers, apparently, need not be scared by this).
Harlem mom Malinda Martinez, 33, has a 6-year-old girl and told the Post, “If girls get used to dressing like this, they might want to become a whore after Halloween.”
One catalog entry (for a costume that comes in sizes “that can fit a 4-year-old” and is available at Party City on 14th Street) reads, “The Navy ships won’t want to leave the dock unless this cute sailor girl is on board” which doesn’t make sense because everyone in the Navy is gay. A pirate costume that is made for 8-year-olds (and up) is called “The High Seas Hottie.”
This is the kind of story that would have been awesome 10 years ago, when this might have surprised people. Hell, turn on Telemundo and you’ll probably see a tube-topped 5-year-old slathered with more make-up on her face than Cameron Diaz and dancing the Lambada. And that’s a year-round thing. Not seasonal.
(still, if you buy your under-16 daughter any costume with the word “sexy” or “hot” or “steamy” or “gang-rapeable,” you’re a terrible parent)
The Catholic Church has named 5 new saints: Belgian Jozef De Veuster (also known as Father Damien for some reason), French nun Jeanne Jugan, Polish bishop Zygmunt Szcezesny Felinski and two Spaniards (Francisco Coll y Guitart and Rafael Arniaz Baron).
Like those five people have done more to spread peace than any other five people in the world. What a farce.
And anyway, Ronald Reagan should have gotten a sainthood.
Hey, Moms? If you’re driving your kids somewhere? Could you not be drunk? Please?
The newest addition to the list of despicable women who drive drunk and cause deaths is Carmen Huertas, 31, who had seven kids in her car when she hit a guardrail on the Henry Hudson Parkway (at around 96th Street) and flipped off the road. Leandra Rosado, 11, was killed.
According to one of the kids, Carmen asked everyone in the car, “Who thinks something’s gonna happen? Raise your hand. Who thinks we’re gonna get into an accident?” before starting to drive. Every kid raised their hand.
Huertas’ Breathalyzer test showed her blood-alcohol level was .13 — 1.5 times the legal limit.
Already, her neighbors and family have begun insisting that she didn’t have a drinking problem and she’s not a monster and blah blah blah.
She drove drunk. She joked about it with the kids. And one of them is dead. Shame on her and shame on anyone that implies that that in and of itself doesn’t make her a bad person.
John McCain. Remember when he spoke his mind? When he was a maverick? When he had dignity and pride?
Now he’s going on the TV box and telling people (with a straight face!) that he thinks Sarah Palin would be a great choice for the Republicans to nominate in 2012 (for the job she cost him).
At this point in his life, I honestly have no idea what he hopes to gain from toeing the party line. I just hope it’s worth it.
A 20-year-old is accusing Officer Michael Incandela, 27, of arresting her for DWI and then offering to make the charges disappear if she slept with him.
Looks like Werner Herzog isn’t the only person remaking Bad Lieutenant! Huh? Huh?
According to the Post, archaeologists say that “the only thing likely to hit Earth [in the year 2012] is a New Age shower of pop astronomy, Internet rumors and TV specials.”
This is why you never hear the phrase “funny archaeologist.”
“The insurance industry yesterday charged that the proposed Senate health-care bill would shift costs to privately insured people, raising the price of a typical policy by hundreds — if not thousands — of dollars annually.”
Which is kind of like Burger King saying that the FDA restricting the use of tainted meat will make their burgers cost more.
Maybe if they saved the hundreds of millions of dollars that they have spent (and continue to spend) on lobbyists, they wouldn’t have to raise the prices of their policies. Heck, they might even be able to afford to fulfill their promises to policyholders!
Andrea Peyser made good on her promise to “install” a “David Letterman Countdown Clock” on her page of ugly. Today’s marks “1,177 Days until the horndog’s contract expires.”
One article claims They’ve got a lot of perv in H’wood, wherein she denounces The Reader, the recently-opened An Education and the soon-to-be-released Precious, and attributes the rise on teenage sex onscreen to “the Roman Polanski Effect on a town that’s the most perverted on the planet.” She even jokes that “In Hollywood, pedophilia is the new black.” But the ending is my favorite: “Well, Hollywood did have compassion for Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story, a head-scratching anti-America screed executive produced by [Harvey] Weinstein. I wonder how much of the movie’s capitalistic profits will be donated to abused children.”
I’d guess that it’s roughly the same amount that you donate, Andrea.
She spends most of the page insulting Columbia University (“that lefty Ivy campus” with a “wimpy administration”) and Brown University (a “fuzzy-headed institution”) and NYU (“Columbia’s kissing cousin in correctness”) because they don’t celebrate Columbus Day. I wonder which school Andrea graduated from. Was it a college? Or shrewniversity?
(see what I did there?)
But she couldn’t not comment (again) on the Nobel Peace Prize. “While the right was busy slamming the brain trust in Oslo for awarding the Nobel to a man who hasn’t actually done anything, like winning the fight against terrorists in Afghanistan, the left slammed Obama — for failing to hug terrorists in Afghanistan.”
What a perfect encapsulation of the left. On their behalf, let me say “thanks” and also “try to get hit by a train soon.”
Page Six (today on page 11) asks “Which closeted George W. Bush apointee and political strategist was at an all-gay birthday party at Union Square the other night?”
Um… all of them?
They also have a photograph of LeAnn Rimes and her “new beau” on Fifth Avenue. She is wearing the frock of a 90-year-old recluse and he is wearing an old woman’s scarf tied around his neck. If They Might Be Giants were a single person, it would be this man.
I’m thinking maybe they’re just (fabulous) friends.
It just occurred to me that, the day I went to help paint the new Magnet space, they said they’d need me to come back on Wednesday and that they’d call with more details, but they never did. Hmmm. Memo to self: e-mail Mark.
Cindy Adams claims that Sarah Palin is “gearing up” and that Palin is “primed, ready and now forming a national organization called ‘Stand Up for Our Nation.’ Exactly what it’s standing for is unclear.” According to Palin’s “people,” they describe it as a chance for Palin “to promote issues she’s passionate about.” Like pettiness and ignorance? You betcha!
Julia Stiles tells Cindy that, between performances of Oleanna, she wanders the streets. “And nobody ever recognizes me. In Times Square, people are in such a rush, so involved, that they don’t make eye contact.”
Julia? They recognize you. They just don’t care.
The new MTA chief says that a new fare card (“an E-ZPass for straphangers”) will be available in 2014.
Fare card? More like unfare card! Huh? Huh?
Dave and Lacey Castro were among the 41 entries in the North American Wife Carrying Championship. They won with a time of 54.45 seconds (for a 278-yard course).
The grand prize was her weight in beer (97 pounds) and 5 times her weight in cash ($485).
They will compete in the world finals in Finland in July. All Americans should be rooting for them. Or the terrorists win.
Couples Retreat? Really, America? Sigh.
Some students at SUNY Geneseo are being sued by the father of Arman Partamian. Arman was 19 when he died in March. He was being initiated (into what, the article doesn’t say) and forced to drink a lot of booze.
So much, in fact, that when his dead body was discovered the following morning (after he passed out, everyone left him alone and went to do other things somewhere else), his blood-alcohol was between .39 and .55 (that’s ridiculously high).
Arman’s dad wants $12,000,000. My guess is that, if the families of any of those kids had anything close to that kind of money, they wouldn’t be enrolled at SUNY Geneseo.
78-year-old Irish priest Michael Sinnott was kidnapped in the Philippines by six gunmen.
We can only hope that he’s read Bill O’Reilly’s expert advice on what to do in such an event.
You know how you can make every fortune in a fortune cookie funny by adding “in bed” to the end of it? Well, the same thing works for letters to the New York Post if you add “And anyway, Ronald Reagan should have gotten it.” Try it with these four chuckleheads!
Wayne Olson of Suffern says, “The Nobel Peace Prize has been a joke since they gave one to Yasser Arafat.”
Tony Ditizio of Farmingdale says, “They should rename it the Euro-elitist left-wing Nobel Peace Prize.”
Erik Lander of Brooklyn says, “Obama won the prize for one reason and one reason only: His name is not George W. Bush.”
Alba Herrera of Freehold, New Jersey says, “That prize is not worth the paper it is written on.”
(Shhhh. Don’t tell Alba that the award isn’t written on paper.)
Alicia Silverstone somehow managed to get a 3-page modeling spread in the Pulse section. She also has a vegan diet book coming out. “Dairy was designed to make a baby calf into a 400-pound cow. So, it’s like, if I want to be a 400-pound cow, I know what to eat.” So… you never eat or drink dairy, Alicia? “I had dairy a few weeks ago by accident and I knew because the next day I was all phlegmy. And I was farting and it was gross.” Excellent.
If the Rockies lose the game tonight, Philadelphia makes the NLCS. If they win, the Game 5 tie-breaker will happen tomorrow. The winning team will play the Dodgers. And the team that wins that series will, hopefully, be playing the Yanks.
Phil Mushnick fills his column by pointing out even the teeniest mistakes that are made during sports broadcasts. Today, I actually learned something interesting (Brendan Harris stayed in the batter’s box after he hit what would turn into run-scoring triple in Game 2 — if he had taken off immediately, he might have had a home run) before reading about how everyone else isn’t as smart as Phil.
See if you can find the parallels to a pot and kettle of African descent: “In the 11th, when Joe Girardi gestured for a righty, [Chip] Caray made it sound as if he were pulling Damaso Marte because he’d allowed the first two to reach: ‘And Girardi has seen enough of Martre.’ But Martre, lefty to lefties, figured to pitch only to the first two Twins, regardless.”
Even a moron can spell Damaso Marte’s name right, right, Phil?
Fun Facts:
David Ortiz hit .083 in the playoffs. Youkilis, as did Kevin Youkilis.
The Red Sox, as a whole, hit .158.
Pettitte’s win last night was his 15th postseason victory, tying John Smoltz for the record. It was also Andy’s 36th start in the postseason.
Derek Jeter has hit safely in 40 of his last 48 postseason games. All told, he has 74 hits in 53 postseason games.
Ron Gardenhire, the manager for the Twins, on the Yankees: “I hate it when I play against them, but I do enjoy watching the way they play, They are professionals. They are baseball players.” Agreed.
Upstairs Downstairs is currently being remade (for broadcast in 2011) — and it’s taking place in 1936.
Fun Fact: Jack Webb once tried to remake it by transporting it to Los Angeles and taking place at an employment agency.
He was just a fountain of brilliance, no?
According to Michael Starr, Mario Lopez has a new children’s book out called Mud Tacos!
Keep up the great work, Mike.
George Takei and his husband will be the first gay couple to compete on The Newlywed Game tomorrow night.
They will also be the first couple that makes viewers wince when they imagine them having sex (and not because they’re gay).
Dinner’s ready! Gotta fly!
Hopefully internet will be back by tomorrow. If not… well, we’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
Happy Columbus Day to everyone except Andrea Peyser!
Boston takes a 3-0 lead in the 3rd.
In the 4th inning the Angels put up a run, but Boston answered with 2 more.
One more run by the Angels made it 5-2 in the 6th, but the 8th inning had 2 more Angels cross the plate to Boston’s 1.
Which meant that Papelbon would start the 9th inning — at Fenway Park — with a 6-4 lead.
He got the first batter out. He got the second batter out. Then he gave up a single. Then he walked Figgins. Bobby Abreu (formerly of the New York Yankees) slapped a double, making it 6-5 with a man on 2nd and 3rd and two outs. Torii Hunter was intentionally walked to load the bases. Next batter? Vladimir Guerrero.
His single scored 2 more runs, giving the Angels their first lead of the day. It would be enough.
The Boston Red Sox are no longer in the playoffs. They have been swept. Their fans must now cry softly into their chowder and wait for the start of the 2010 season before discussing baseball again.
Yanks play in a little over 2 hours. Can’t wait.
Eli Manning played for less than half of today’s game, but the Giants still humiliated the Raiders 44-7.
They remain one of the five teams in the NFL with an undefeated record (4-0).
It’s a good day for NY teams… so far…
NEW BOOK EXCLUSIVE
My twisted life as Osama’s wife
MARRIED TO A MONSTER
The excerpts from Victoria Gotti’s new memoir (Growing Up Gotti) must have been so successful that the Post found another ugly woman who was married to a jerk and gave excerpts of her book (Growing Up bin Laden, and I wish I was kidding) two pages in today’s paper. And you know what I learned from them? That I don’t want a copy of this book and that Osama bin Laden was a bad husband and father.
On a slight tangent, Phil Mushnick’s weekly whining in the back page of the TV listings (Prime Time) laments the death throes of real journalism on the TV.
“Legit broadcast journalism, so important yet nearly dead, last week took another hit when CBS News’ 48 Hours presented an ‘exclusive’ with the Gotti family. Three days later, Victoria Gotti’s tell-all was released by Simon & Schuster, the publishing division of CBS. CBS’ 60 Minutes now regularly takes such corporate sales dives…”
1) For a solid week, the newspaper Phil writes for had full-page full-color ads trumpeting their EXCLUSIVE excerpts of that same book. Then they spent four consecutive days giving Gotti not only the front page, but also two pages of excerpts. But the only reason CBS put it on 48 Hours is because Simon & Schuster is a subsidiary of CBS.
2) When did 60 Minutes enter into this conversation?
3) Why did Phil put exclusive in quotes? Was he also mocking CBS’ assertion that they had an exclusive? Is this like all the pundits saying “Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize proves that it’s a worthless hunk of shit and also Ronald Reagan should’ve gotten it”?
Obama gave a speech yesterday assuring the folks that voted for him that “I will end ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’”
But he didn’t say how or when.
Which is kind of infuriating.
This is exactly the kind of guy you mos def want representing you in court.
Clyde Eisman, 41, graduate of Tulane Law School and former law clerk at the Department of Defense, is suing the Bally’s Total Fitness on West 32nd Street.
He says he joined the gym in August of 2007 so that he could take spinning classes. He says that other members were “mean to him” and that he “found it nearly impossible to get a bike seat in basement spin room.” He says that he went to class early one day in December of 2007 in order to guarantee himself a bike. He says that “a large, heavyset female placed her body over [him]“ in an effort to take over his bike. He is accusing the fat lady of “embarrassing and offensive touching” and suing for a refund of his $1,500 membership fee.
What he doesn’t say is why he waited almost 2 years to file the lawsuit against the fat lady who sat on him and made him sad and the gym where it happened.
Might shame have been a factor?
No further questions.
When it comes to Michael Goodwin, there are two kinds of people. One thinks he’s an asshole, the other knows he’s an asshole.
“When it comes to Barack Obama, there are two kinds of people. One still believes he walks on water, the other knows he’s just a talented politician. The five-man Nobel peace panel obviously belongs to the faith-based camp. Count them as slow learners. Yet there’s no sense cursing them, for they inadvertently have provided a valuable service: Their award signifies the high-water mark of Obama-mania. The prize is so preposterous, it can only hasten the awakening of others to his inflated stature. Like an investor who buys into a bubble just before it bursts, the panel’s declaration that Obama has done more for peace than anyone on the planet does not stand even half-serious scrutiny. The instant result is a simultaneous diminishing of both the prize and the man.”
I was also surprised when the panel announced that “Obama has done more for world peace than anyone else on the planet,” until I realized they didn’t. But why let something like the truth get in the way of yet another sarcastic attack on the POTUS? Surprisingly (to people who have never read Goodwin before), the piece ends with praise for someone who really has done more for world peace than anyone on the planet. “Now there’s a man worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize.”
He’s referring to Ronald Reagan (again, I wish I was kidding).
In a small box in the corner, Goodwin wrote the brief Obama’s no-award award:
“Obama aide David Axelrod, after the Nobel shocker, promises, ‘The goal is not to win awards.’ Whew. I feel better already.”
And, as I am now finished with Mikey’s page of infuriating condescension, I also feel better. Already.
According to “a team source and a top sports shrink,” the reason A-Rod is doing so well in the postseason is… Kate Hudson.
And yet, she can’t make a decent movie…
According to Page Six (today on page 14), Rudy 9iu11ani and his current wife (who, unlike his first wife, isn’t his cousin) were at Yankee Stadium on Wednesday night in the first row behind the Yankee dugout.
He complained that they weren’t as good as his old seats — the ones next to the dugout. Security was alerted. Long story short, a young couple behind home plate was told to switch with America’s Mayor and his wife. Even though their seats weren’t next to the Yankee dugout.
What a dick.
Jim Belushi and Dan Aykroyd recently performed an impromptu cover of “Rawhide” at California’s Hearst Castle. Brooke Shields played tambourine.
This gives me a great idea for a movie: Blues Brothers 3000! Belushi and Shields replacing John Goodman, the Black guy and the kid who wasn’t a Culkin? How can this not make money?
Investors should contact me ASAP.
Just as Phil Mushnick doesn’t read the front page of the Post, Cindy Adams doesn’t appear to read Andrea Peyser (maybe she isn’t as stupid as I thought…?).
“Not even David Letterman himself on a randy night could ever have churned as much as those stories about him still churn. His new nighttime prayer: ‘Please, God, You love all Your children. You help nobodies, untalented understudies, interns, unfunny guests. Now it’s time to help me — a star.’ Please. I mean, PLEASE. This is insanity.”
It took me all day, but after reading the whole thing and chatting with some scientists, we’ve concluded that today’s piece is bout how absurd it is to make a big stink about Letterman’s affairs.
“Mr. Letterman forced this lady? I don’t think so.This was no chick driving with a learner’s permit. Mr. Letterman even slightly coerced this lady? I don’t think so. Being in TV, she made a success of her affairs. She did it as a series.”
Make sense? I don’t think so. Should Cindy get in the box? Totes.
Queens resident Dan Halloran is running for the City Council as a Republican.
He’s also the head of a local tribe of Theodists. Theodism is a pre-Christian religion from Europe that reveres nature, worships multiple gods and animal sacrifice.
There are between 50,000 and 100,000 Theodists in the world today. Roughly 20,000 live in the U.S.
Let’s hope most of them are in Queens, otherwise Dan doesn’t have a very good shot at winning. Or going to Heaven.
Barbra Streisand is having an auction at the Beverly Hills Hilton next weekend.
Her white baby grand piano is expected to fetch at least $10,000, A Dutch oil painting called “La Chanteuse” should get $200,000, and Elliott Gould is expected to go for $500 (OBO).
James Arthur Ray is a frequent guest on Oprah. He recently held one of his “Spiritual Warrior” retreats at a sweat lodge in Arizona. 63 people attended (at $10,000 a head!).
Two are now dead. 19 were taken to the hospital with respiratory arrest, kidney failure, or elevated body temperature. One remains in critical condition.
Poor Oprah.
John Bolton is allowed to share his insane views in a full-page editorial titled O’s albatross.
The sub-head is Misguided Nobel will weigh on rest of his presidency and the piece ends with “Instead of preening itself on the wonderfulness of honoring Obama, the Nobel Committee should have worried more that it was actually hanging an albatross around his neck.”
I’m assuming he forget to add the last sentence “And anyway, it should have gone to Reagan.”
Can everyone just please stop giving him a platform to speak? Please?
The accompanying doctored photo of Alfred Nobel (on the actual Peace Prize) reacting in horror to Obama’s award (with the caption “He won what!?”) is a nice touch.
Elizabeth Ford has a great article on why women should marry for money and not love.
I can’t seem to find a picture of her online, so I’ll just assume she’s beautiful and happily married.
Vague Poll of the Week!
In 1990, Gallup reported that 78% of Americans thought gun laws should be more strict. More recently, ____ asked the same question to _____ and only 44% were in favor of stricter gun laws.
Thanks for the info, guys! You’re ______!
What a great article on the guy who owns the magazines I used to work for! Apparently, he’s making huge money by buying comic book conventions! Terrific!
What, no mention of all the people he’s laid off at all of his publications? How odd.
Patrick Grant of Brooklyn writes in to say, “I think it would be great if Rush Limbaugh, rumored to be interested in buying a share in the Rams, to become part owner of an NFL team. And if he is attacked by the usual suspects for trying to buy in, it only underscores that the phony liberals poison even the sports pages. It’s funny how the tolerance gestapo are only tolerant of people they like. Which hardly demonstrates tolerance.”
1) Using “gestapo” to describe liberals = classy (and tolerant!).
2) Limbaugh is a racist. He has repeatedly proclaimed that Blacks make shitty quarterbacks. Members of the Rams have already gone on record and said that, if Rush buys the team, they will refuse to play.
3) I’m only tolerant of people who are tolerable. Rush isn’t on that list. And neither is Patrick Grant.
Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui and Andy Pettitte are all free agents after this season.
Damon and Matsui I expect to not come back. Andy might… if he shames Pavano tonight.
And by tonight, I mean RIGHT. NOW.
Time to tune in and tune out. See you tomorrow!
(P.S. – Mauer’s ball wasn’t even close. It was a ground-rule double, not a foul ball. Hopefully tonight’s won’t be as close.)
(thanks to Karen K. for discovering this)
You’re welcome.
Alex Rodriguez hitting a home run? In the postseason? When it means something? That is front page news! And page 2 news! And, apparently, page 3 news, as well! Because what else happened in the last 24 hours that could possibly be as important to New Yorkers (and the many tens of thousands of people who read the Post every day despite not living in New York [city and/or state])? Surely a photo of Kate Hudson and Kurt Russell (wearing fresh-out-of-the-packaging Yankees gear) is the most newsworthy event since last the paper was published.
And the wisdom imparted in the text that accompanies a collage of photographs unlike anything you’ll ever see again (unless you turn to today’s Saturday Sports section) is equally of interest.
“Jen Salke of East Patchogue, LI, who watched the game at the Stadium, couldn’t have been more excited. ‘A-Rod hitting that home run was better than sex,’ she said. ‘Teixeira’s home run was orgasmic. I’m not even kidding, my glasses flew off my face.’”
Finally! A newspaper that isn’t afraid to give voice to drunken morons! She’s not even kidding
Boy, the bar is set so high, I can’t imagine anything of more import having occurred yesterday.
WHAT A BUNCH OF PRIZE IDIOTS
Two pages of articles illustrating how repulsive it is that the POTUS is being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Matt Welch, editor in chief of (and ignorer of) Reason has a hefty editorial (“It’s an act of ring-kissing, not reward for achievement“) which expertly points out that Lech Walesa had done more than Obama when he was given the same accolade. “You don’t have to dislike our handsome young president — and I, for one, don’t — to acknowledge that nominating him for the planet’s most prestigious peace award after he’d been on the job for only one month is like naming Derek Jeter MVP after spring training. It’s a pre-emptive encouragement, even ring-kissing — not an award for achievement.”
Actually, stupid, it’s like nominating Derek Jeter after spring training and then, many months later, voting on who should get the MVP award and using the regular season to help determine it. Obama was put on a list after a month. He won the award YESTERDAY.
“As more than one wag observed yesterday, the Nobel Committee has awarded three people in seven years for not being George W. Bush: Jimmy Carter in 2002, Al Gore in 2007, and now Obama.”
What’s awesome is that you manage to completely ignore the actual achievements of a former president and vice president (who also led the charge for global warming awareness — whose existence prominent members the GOP continue to deny) while also making W. a victim. But I am totes relieved that Welch doesn’t dislike our handsome young president. Imagine how dismissive and condescending he’d be if he did!
Welch also provides a list of 10 people that deserve the Nobel Peace Prize more than Obama. Surprisingly, Ronald Reagan made the cut. No, not surprisingly. What’s the other word? Obviously. That’s right.
Andy Soltis (who was amazing as Gollum) is responsible for the piece, Nobel Peace award stuns even O aides — and that is the only context “responsible” could be used in to describe it. It begins: “The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded yesterday to President Obama in a stunning choice that left much of the world wondering why the committee chose to bestow the honor on the new president.”
Much of the world is stunned? Really? What about Armenia and Turkey? Are they stunned?
“‘Who? Obama?’ said Lech Walesa, the 1983 Peace Prize winner, when he heard the news. ‘Too fast. He hasn’t had the time to do anything yet.’ Republican Party chairman Michael Steele contended that Obama won due to his ’star power,’ rather than meaningful accomplishments.”
1) When’s the last time anyone in this country gave a rat’s ass what Lech Walesa had to say? Early 1984? Late 1983?
2) Why is it unpatriotic for me to question sending my fellow countrymen to war, but not for the GOP’s spokestoken to simultaneously applaud America’s loss of the 2016 Olympics and piss on Obama’s recent honor?
3) Bush made us a global joke. The same qualities that made our nation’s mouth-breathers want to have a beer with Dubya, had most other countries laughing behind our backs… until they stopped laughing and started treating us like, well, a drunken cowboy who finds himself charming and can’t see/doesn’t care about how others perceive him. Obama single-handedly made the world think that maybe, after RE-ELECTING the worst POTUS in our nation’s history, Americans aren’t all bad. That maybe we also want to make the world a better place and not just the places that have oil. If you don’t see that, it’s because you choose not to.
4) A British betting website had Bill Clinton as a 6:1 favorite for the award (but only because he isn’t Bush, right?), Obama at 18:1 and (are you sitting down?) Michael Jackson at 20:1.
I shudder to think of what other editorials I’ll find in today’s paper.
We bombed the moon!
“Uranus better watch its back. The man in the moon got his first prostate exam yesterday when NASA nerds fired a probe deep into his South Pole in a hunt for water.”
1) Please welcome today’s guest columnist, 2nd grader Lukas I. Alpert!
2) Why nerds? Why are people at NASA nerds? Why attach a stigma to intelligence? Later derogatory phrases for smart folks include “space geeks” and “NASA eggheads.” I can imagine Luke high-fiving someone after typing each of those.
3) Three (count them, three) butt jokes in two sentences.
John “Junior” Gotti, thanks to his recent outburst in court, now faces charges of obstruction of justice and witness tampering, but the feds aren’t sure if they’ll charge him. They figure that, if he’s convicted he’ll be in jail for the rest of his life and if he walks, then “charging him will look like ’sour grapes.’”
Which should be of major concern in any police investigation.
(rolls eyes upward)
Malpractice reform would save $54B: study explains that Democrats are ignoring the #1 problem with our health-care system: medical-malpractice laws. If they would just “Impose statutes of limitations of one year for adults and three years for children, from the date an injury is first noticed” and “Obtain more income disclosure from defendants, and factor them into jury awards” then the health-care providers wouldn’t have to pay so much for malpractice liability (they paid $35,000,000,000 last year).
Anyone else think it’s hilarious that health-care providers are angry that they pay too much for insurance? And that there are still people that can’t see the correlation between their outrageous insurance costs and ours?
I need a good laugh.
Nicolas Cage owes the IRS $6,260,000 from 2007 and $360,000 for unpaid bills from 2002 to 2004.
Thanks, Post. That really did the trick!
Not content to rest on the laurels of page 7’s brain-mocking/butt-joke-containing moon story, page 9 features not only a giant photo of Paris Hilton bottle-feeding a baby chimpanzee (in vivid/vapid color!), but also a list of 5 things that “A chimp can teach Paris: 1) How to climb down a tree (not the social ladder); 2) Basic counting skills; 3) How to cover her private parts; 4) How to look dumb — without actually being quite so dumb; 5) Banana tricks”
The first one makes no sense. The second is a “Paris is stupid” joke. The third was hilarious two years ago. The fourth is an unnecessarily complex “Paris is stupid” joke that makes little sense. The fifth is, I’m assuming, meant to refer to a baby chimp teaching Paris to masturbate with a banana.
Just when I think the New York Post couldn’t possibly be more repugnant, they outdo themselves. Well played.
Page Six (today on page 10) quotes Gene Simmons as saying, “I’ve never been drunk or high in my life.” I find that hard to believe.
They also claim that Usher’s soon-to-be-ex-wife, Tameka Foster (and they said it wouldn’t last [after they were asked and replied, "Who?" to which an explanation was provided]!), is furious about a new song Usher done wrote. “Papers” includes the lyrics: “Who the hell argue ‘n’ fight like dogs at six in the morning?/I know it’s gonna be some more shit tonight… the only time you here for me is when the bottles poppin’ and everything is sweet/but I’m tired of sleeping in the other room” (which doesn’t even rhyme!) and “I’m ready to sign the papers.”
When I called Usher for comment, he told me to stop asking him to show me to my seat.
(sorry)
The Pew Research Center claims that only 39% of Americans favor gay marriage but 57% are in favor of civil unions. That’s a 12% bump since 2003 and a 3% increase since 2008.
Further proof of evolution.
And now, a story told through haikus.
David Hasselhoff
Tried to punch his assistant
Hit doctor instead
* * * * *
He was really drunk
At St. Martin’s Lane Hotel
In London, England
* * * * *
His assistant, Joe,
Was afraid for David’s life
And summoned the doc
* * * * *
The hotel staff freaked out
And locked Dave in the basement
Until help arrived
* * * * *
What this story proves:
America’s Got Talent
Has its own Paula
Marge Simpson will be featured on the cover of Playboy in November — and in a three-page spread.
I can’t decide who’s the more desperate party, Fox or Playboy (I’m leaning towards Playboy).
Swine flu has been the cause of death for 76 kids — 16 in the past week.
You know what’ll probably help fight swine flu? Trick or treating.
Wait. Not help. What’s the other word? Oh, right. Exacerbate.
Fun Facts About The F Train (that isn’t running at our station this weekend, next weekend, the following weekend…):
* It’s “off-schedule” 25% more often than the system average.
* During the morning rush, 26% of all Manhattan-bound trains are overcrowded by the time they get to Roosevelt Avenue.
* During the evening rush, 12% of all Brooklyn-bound trains are overcrowded by Jay St/Borough Hall.
* Also during the evening rush, 2.5 Brooklyn-bound trains skip stations each day (on average).
* 15 trains a week are re-routed onto the A,G, R or V lines “with little notice.”
But fear not. The MTA is “exploring the possibility of running a Manhattan-bound express F train.”
In 2013.
I hate the MTA.
Mexican police found 2.6 tons of marijuana in a truck that smugglers had filled with rotting bananas, hoping it would mask the smell of the drugs.
Sadly, they forgot to mask the smell of a truck filled with rotting bananas.
Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) will once again draw a paycheck from NBC. This time, he’ll be appearing on The Celebrity Apprentice.
Please don’t watch? Please?
Rich Lowry congratulates Obama for “breath[ing] life into the Republican Party.”
For Rich’s definition of “life,” please refer to his thoughts on the Terri Schiavo case.
Putz.
Another editorial about the evil and stupid Nobel committee (Nobel Ninnies) that (yet again) claims that Obama’s honor is “yet another slap at George W. Bush.”
Yes, he’s such a victim. And all anyone ever thinks about. Especially when the topic is peace.
The Post claims that the panel investigating Charlie Rangel has “already issued 150 subpoenas, interviewed 34 witnesses, produced 2,100 pages of transcripts, analyzed 12,000 documents and held 30 meetings.”
With no end in sight.
Someone please do something about this (preferably a Democrat, but I’ll let the GOP take the lead if no Dem will).
David Hensley of Syracuse, New York has figured out Obama’s plan, confound it!
“Has anyone considered the possibility that this push for a health-care overhaul is simply a ploy to redistribute more Americans’ wealth?”
Give that man a helmet!
Cablevision is now paying CBS for the privilege of broadcasting their network.
Estimated profit for CBS: $250,000,000.
Imagine what they could’ve gotten if they aired shows that people actually watch!
At the end of 6 innings, the Dodgers are up 4-0. A win would end St. Louis’ season and move L.A. to the NLCS.
For the sake of all the Cardinals fans I know, let’s hope they pull off a miracle.
Tom Coughlin says he’s “hopeful” that Eli Manning will start tomorrow.
For my father’s sake, so do I.
Last night, the Red Sox took a 1-0 lead in the top of the 4th inning. The Angels tied it in the bottom of the 4th and added 3 more runs in the 7th, ending with a 4-1 victory and a 2-0 lead in the best-of-5 series.
In their first two ALDS games, Boston has scored 1 run. That’s 20% of the runs St. Louis (another 0-2 playoff team) has scored.
Not with a bang, chowderheads, but a whimper.
A.J. Burnett did OK. Jose Molina said, “One run over six innings, what else do you ask for?” No runs over nine innings? But, if you ignore the two hit batsmen and the five (5) walks, I guess his pitching was solid (and the look on his face when Jeter tagged out Carlos Gomez — and prevented Delmon Young’s run from counting — was priceless [he honestly had no idea why the inning was over or why the run didn't count]).
Phil Cuzzi is the left-field umpire that called Joe Mauer’s hit in the 11th (that would have been an easy double) a foul ball. It wasn’t a foul ball. Mauer hit a single on a later pitch, but he didn’t score. And that, more than the botched call, should hurt the Twins the most.
They had the bases loaded in the 11th and no outs. A pop fly to any outfielder would have scored a run. But Teixeira made a great catch for the first out, then picked up a grounder and threw it home for the second out. Minnesota finally hit a pop fly to center, but that was the third out so no one could score.
(of course, we had Brett Gardner on 3rd with one out in the 10th and blew it, so everyone has a reason to smack their foreheads)
The Yankees referred to David Robertson’s masterful escape from the 11th inning as “the Houdini act.”
Teixeira went to bat afterwards and lasered one over the left-field wall, ending the game. Between that and A-Rod’s 9th-inning 2-run dinger (that tied the game), Yankee fans had a good night.
Game 3 is tomorrow. Go Yanks.
Modern Family? Renewed!
Cougar Town? Renewed!
The Middle? Renewed!
Hank? Watch it while you can!
A pilot for a Hawaii Five-O update is being made.
Can Dragnet 2010 be far behind?
G’night!
JUSTICE IS A BITCH
Astor verdict: Miss Piggy big loser
Say what you will about the Post, but you have to give them respect for honoring their promises. When this year’s “Write Our Sub-Headline” sweepstakes was won by a waiter in a Chinese restaurant (who learned what little broken English he speaks from The Muppet Show), people figured they’d offer him an alternate prize of equal value — and there’d be no shame in that. But, God bless ‘em, the folks at the Post stayed true to their word and let this humble man caption today’s headline (and it works surprisingly well).
Yes, Anthony Marshall, 85, has been convicted of grand larceny and conspiracy for trying to steal over $60,000,000 of his mother’s moneys. Prosecutors claimed that he did so because of his greedy wife Charlene (nicknamed Miss Piggy by one of Brooke Astor’s nurses). He faces 1 (minimum) to 25 (maximum) years in the pokey. Charlene will lose everything except “three heavily-tax-encumbered properties, one diamond necklace and two of Astor’s old fur coats.”
Poor Charlene. And poor Tony. And poor me for reading 5 pages of this stuff (including Andrea Peyser’s touching sidebar “Hogs & kisses from boarish Charlene” is a study in why ugly women shouldn’t call other ugly women ugly. B’also? Do you see what she did there?).
If you’re going to lose a mayoral election, you might as well go down swinging.
Bill Thompson, all but guaranteed a defeat against the incumbent Bloomberg, told a crowd at a campaign rally that (with regard to the extension of term limits last year) “Not since George Bush and the Republicans stole the election from Al Gore has there been such an egregious electoral abuse of power.” He continued, “[Bloomberg] lied to us and he betrayed our trust.”
Bloomberg responded, “He’s got a right to his opinions.” Then he took his second money-bath of the day and ate some diamonds.
The House Ethics Committee (my new favorite oxymoron) expanded its investigation into Charlie Rangel to include “millions of dollars in assets, outside income and business transactions that he had failed to disclose to Congress.”
Afer YEARS of investigating, YESTERDAY they decided to expand their investigation? Consider my faith in the system… what’s the opposite of restored?
Mayor Bloomberg organized a number of video sting operations at gun shows across the country to illustrate his point that getting an unlicensed firearm is super-easy. Zach Wamp is a Tennessee Republican running for governor. When he learned of the gun shows (where, after being told that their buyers would fail mandated background checks, sellers happily [and illegally] made the sales anyway), Wamp Twatted, “Bloomberg and his anti-gun cronies should stay the heck out of Tn.”
Isn’t that adorable? He Twitters!
And is totally OK with his constituents committing felonies, no matter what some New York Jew mayor thinks about it!
John “Junior” Gotti is on trial (again) and I couldn’t care less, except he mouthed “I’ll kill you” to the feds’ star witness yesterday. And, after the jury was led out, Gotti screamed, “You’re a dog! You’re a dog! Did I kill little girls, you fag? You’re a punk. You’re a dog all your life — you always were. Do I strangle little girls in motels?”
(fade in Billy Joel’s “An Innocent Man”)
I think Governor Paterson is hitting on me.
He just announced that because of the current economic crisis, he is cutting off funding to the MTA’s capital budget. That’s roughly $10,000,000,000 over the next three years that they won’t get.
You know what else is super-awesome? That whole “the F train is not stopping near Jed on the weekend”? It’s not just this weekend. It’s the next three weekends.
I hate the MTA.
Chris Rock is being accused of stealing the idea for his new movie (Good Hair) from Regina Kimbell and her 2007 documentary My Nappy Roots.
While Rock freely admits that he attended a sreening of Kimbell’s movie (and that he met with her), he insists that he didn’t steal anything from her.
The fact of the matter is both of them stole both of their movies from me and my 2004 documentary, If I Was A Black Lady, I Wonder What My Hair Would Be Like And Also All Of The Things I Would Have To Do To My Hair (If I Was A Black Lady).
Page Six (today on page 12) amends their earlier report of Dina Lohan’s new shoe line. The line will NOT be called “Shoe-Han.” So… what will it be called? “We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name,” Dina demured.
Uh… Dina? Why haven’t you bought the domain name yet? Thus preventing all the Googles and MySpaces from buying it? B’also? Should I continue judging the Britneys and the Lindsays the way you judge the Googles and the MySpaces?
“Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God.”
There are levels of power of God? I think maybe Dina is higher… than she should be!
(nudges monitor with elbow)
Huh? Huh?
Mischa Barton got out of a cab on East 10th Street and screamed “I need a drink!”
She’s terrific.
Remember when Woody Harrelson punched that paparazzo? And then he claimed that he thought the guy was a zombie because he’d just finished shooting Zombieland? Woody tells Entertainment Weekly that the guy who gave him the idea to say that was… Paul McCartney.
And now you know… the rest of the story….
Nicolas Sarkozy just announced that his 23-year-old son, who is still enrolled at a university, will take over the public agency that oversees La Defense, the compound of corporate towers in the west of Paris. It’s Europe’s biggest business district (we’re talking multi-multi-billions), and Jean Sarkozy will oversee its expansion.
Looks like nepotism has become our #1 export.
Elizabeth Taylor, 77, Twatted (really, La Liz? Et tu?) that her recent heart surgery went “perfectly.”
Congratulations on delaying the Reaper until… August 19, 2010.
(I just finished reading The Bible Code III: Dream Warriors)
Nancy Pelosi finally says something that makes me hate her (slightly) less.
She says that health-care reform should be paid for with a “windfall” profit tax levied against the insurance companies.
Considering that the government would be supplying them with 45,000,000 new customers, that seems only fair.
I wonder who paid Nancy to propose that…
One of the sleaziest things a defense lawyer can do is keep his client off the stand and then tell the press how his client really wants to give his side of the story… but can’t.
“Obviously, he’s had to remain quiet — while this trial is going on — about what happened that night. He’s got a lot to say about it.” So says Joseph Tacopina (Italian for “taco penis”), attorney for Hiram Monserrate. The defense has officially rested. Summations are scheduled for Tuesday.
I have a really bad feeling that Monster… sorry, Monserrate… will walk.
Another crane fell down, this time on Columbus and 97th Street. Luckily, no one was hurt.
Maybe they should just start reporting on cranes that don’t fall down. That would free up a lot of column inches.
(if you know what I mean)
Someone at the Lifetime Movie Network is about to become very excited.
Jared Rohrig, 25 (and a former Connecticut police officer), was home when the girlfriend of his twin brother, Joseph, stopped by. Jared allegedly pretended to be Joseph and the two started having sex. When the woman noticed that Joseph’s tattoo was missing (and figured out she was sleeping with her boyfriend’s twin), she told him to stop. He refused.
Jared just pled not guilty to first-degree sexual assault and criminal impersonation. The woman is hoping to be played by Nancy McKeon.
Cindy Adams claims that Don Cheadle is looking to remake The Maltese Falcon with an all-Black cast. This is a blatant rip-off of my 2004 film noir masterpiece, The Maltese Falcon But Everyone Is Black This Time.
Six ladies from Connecticut were arrested for beating up a woman at Bobby Valentine’s Sports Gallery Cafe in Stamford — because they didn’t like her karaoke singing. All the women are under 21 (in age and IQ) and are due back in court next month.
The victim suffered bruises and a chipped tooth. And a permanent irrational fear of whatever she was singing at the time.
This morning, NASA will be searching for water under the moon’s surface. For more details, watch this:
Resign? Moi?
Frederic Mitterrand refuses to resign. He also wants to correct an earlier claim: When he said that he went to Thailand to pay for sex with “young boys,” what he meant was “consenting adults.”
“In no way is it an apology of sex tourism… even if one of the chapters is a journey through that hell, with the fascination that hell can provoke.”
This is the first time I can recall a Frenchman refusing to give up.
B’also, this guy is mad gross, yo.
Page 25 (today on page 25) is all about what a “cad” David Letterman is for taking his personal assistant (with whom he was having sex) on vacations with his wife and son.
How much do you think CBS is paying for all of this free advertising?
“Doctor” Conrad Murray, the “man” who gave Michael Jackson all of those wonderful drugs that killed him, might be arrested and forced to surrender his medical license. But not because of his involvement in MJ’s death.
Because he’s $13,000 behind in child support payments.
Hilarious.
Gaza City’s zoo is so poor…
(How poor is it?)
… it’s so poor, that workers painted two donkeys with stripes because they couldn’t afford zebras.
Poor donkeys.
Shut up, Ralph Peters.
Yesterday, Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that Love Never Dies (his sequel to The Phantom of the Opera) will open in London in March of 2010. It should be on Broadway by that November.
I can wait.
That new Vince Vaughn movie that looks terrible? It’s directed by Ralphie from A Christman Story.
I’d rather shoot my eye out.
Lou Lumenick seems to feel the same, awarding it no stars. He gave Good Hair three stars, St. Trinian’s one and a half, and Adventures of Power just one.
Looks like I’m in for a shitty movie next week (unless Paranormal Activity opens in 30,000 more theaters today)!
The playoffs are wonderful.
Every “expert” claimed that Boston and Philadelphia and St. Louis would dominate. It wouldn’t even be close.
The Angels lead Boston 1 game to 0. Colorado won as many games as they lost, so they’re 1-1 against Philly. And the Dodgers are ahead of the Cardinals 2-0 (take a bow, Holliday!).
The Yankees (the only “lock” that seems to be following the script) will play Game 2 against Minnesota tonight. If we win, then Carl Pavano will start what could be the last game of Minnesota’s season in Game 3.
Pavano could do more for the Yankees in one game than he did in the 4 years he played for us!
Meanwhile, Posada is a little peeved that Girardi is starting Jose Molina behind the plate tonight. And before you start snapping at Jorge for whining, consider this: Of the Yankees’ last 79 postseason games, Posada has caught 78 of them. And while 78 of 80 is still a damned impressive record, you can understand why the guy feels slighted.
But if Burnett is more comfy with Molina, then he should get to pitch to him. Whatever gets us to the World Series.
Did I say “gets us to”? I meant “wins us.”
Do you watch Dancing With the Stars? Are you proud of yourself?
Did you know that the show actually had plans to add a chimpanzee to its roster of judges? Do you understand what that says about you, and your thick fingers rubbing Dorito dust on the numbers of your phone as you perform the only voting you’ll ever do in your miserable life? Can you understand how insulting that is?
Luckily, due to protests from PETA, the DWTS folks switched out the chimp with “a toddler in a suburban backyard.”
I have no idea what this means, nor do I want to.
Please stop watching.
Wanda Sykes has a new HBO special on tomorrow night at 10:00. She’s brilliant. You should watch it.
Time for… I have no idea.
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