Archive for November, 2009
Long-time reader (first-time caller) Scott Finkelstein and his lovely wife have a new kid. That’s awesome.
I am writing this morning while The Lost Boys: The Tribe is playing in the background. The lady from the first one (was she the mother? grandmother? aunt?) just rented The Goonies for her twenty-something relatives/tenants. I wonder if that was Corey Feldman’s idea. Not awesome.
CAGEY TIGER
Ducks police 3rd day
Tiger Woods continued to “stonewall police” (when does it become “obstructing justice”?), issuing a statement (in lieu of an actual interview) that says, “I’m human and I’m not perfect” and that his wife “acted courageously.”
Cops showed up for the third time and Tiger again (again) refused to speak to them (remember when I suggested calling first, po-po?). Pages 4 and 5 include Tiger’s statement (as posted on tigerwoods.com) and a sidebar about Rachel Uchitel (she has hired Gloria Allred, so expect some lawsuits real soon). Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) is the 911 transcript between the dispatcher and Tiger’s neighbor.
All of this is fascinating, but not as fascinating as…
…David Hasselhoff drinking enough vodka to induce a seizure. Since Friday, he’s been held (involuntarily!) at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. B’also? His ex-wife, Pamela Bach, was arrested for driving drunk on Saturday night.
No idea how this will affect the taping of their new reality competition show, America’s Got A Drinking Problem.
Awwww. That’s adorable. They photoshopped Anthony Marshall’s head (he’s 85) onto Little Orphan Annie’s body, and then they Photoshopped Annie’s hair onto his head. Why? Because he’s asking for his 1-year mandatory sentence to be dismissed “in consideration of his good deeds managing [his mother's] finances.”
Which the Post compares to “the guy who kills his parents and then begs for leniency because he’s an orphan.”
Oddly enough, this is the prettiest that Sarah Jessica Parker has ever looked.
Deer Park, that’s good water! If by water you mean doots!
Eduardo Matos, 71, was visiting his son on Long Island when a section of lawn gave way and he dropped into a cesspool — up to his neck. But he didn’t panic. “I was calm… If you panic, that shit will suck you right in.”
Literally.
My irony meter just exploded.
The woman that the Post pays to tell me about (among other things) reality television (“More fun than a barrel full of Botox!” she said of the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale; “The Jerry Springer Show on Botox!” she called the Real Housewives of New York reunion) has a column on page 7 called Stop giving fame junkies their sick fix (The New York Post home page has Michaele Salahi as their #1 “Hot Topic” [followed by Adam Lambert and Tiger Woods]).
Linda Stasi calls reality TV “the bottom feeder of entertainment” and implores us all to stop paying attention to these “wannabes” by not watching their shows. A quick peek at her column in the TV section today finds her calling Steven Seagal and Jesse Ventura’s new reality shows (Steven Seagal: Lawman and Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura) “mindless, good fun and a hoot to watch.” Note the comma between “mindless” and “good fun.” She also recently highly recommended Find My Family and Cake Boss and I’m amazed that I’m amazed at how nonsensical she remains.
B’also? Directly next to her sidebar is an article four times as big: RAP THE GUILTY PARTIERS — POLS which explains that two senators (Bayh and Kyl) want the Salahis to be prosecuted (and Bravo! Don’t forget Bravo!). It includes two photos of both Salahis.
Look away, everyone. But first, look at it some more!
Mandrea reveals that she has a child (and a husband?!?) in her page of sadness today. She also applauds eminent domain being used to build the 0-17 Nets (yes, they lost again) a new stadium in Brooklyn (‘Net’ result sure beats a nut revolt), ridicules the school system for teaching global warming (Climate-cult con is hard to ‘bear’), and chastises Bloomberg for spending so much of his own money on his campaign (Mike’s vote buy a bit filthy-rich).
Wait a minute… telling people how they should spend their money? That’s socialism! Nazi socialism!
I looked for a while but was unable to find a photo of the rest of the Peyser family, so I’m going to assume that they are Canadian girlfriends (she made them up and/or they smell like back bacon).
According to Page Six (today on page 12), that altercation between Anthony Michael Hall and Diana Falzone was reported by police to include Hall biting “his girlfriend’s forehead” and that he “pushed, shoved and spit at” her while “intoxicated.”
Thanks, Page Six!
Twilight: New Moon made another $42,500,000 this weekend. The Blind Side made $40,100,000. 2012 made $18,000,000. Old Dogs made $16,800,000.
This is why they fly planes into our buildings, people.
The Bronx DA has some ’splainin’ to do.
Thomas Wolmart, 58, got into an argument with his 90-pound 52-year-old wife. He beat her to death. The DA is charging him with third-degree assault — a misdemeanor. Not murder. Not manslaughter.
The DA’s spokesperson said, “The medical examiner’s definition of homicide is not the same as the legal definition.”
Nor is the David Mamet movie Homicide the same as the TV show Homicide: Life on the Streets. But that has nothing to do with the fact that Thomas Wolmart beat his wife to death.
Iraq now has a “Saddam Channel” which broadcasts praise for the fallen dictator 24/7. The channel’s alleged chairman (Mohammed Jarboua of Damascus, Syria) says the channel is for Iraqis and other Arabs “who long for [Saddam's] rule.”
Um… I have some really bad news, Mohammed…
Paul Tharp has an interesting piece about Jay Leno’s effect on TV. He claims that not only are people not watching Jay at 10:00,but they’re actually using that time slot to catch up on shows they have DVRed.
That means that Leno isn’t the only one losing viewers — the entire 10:00 time slot is.
As Elvis Costello once sang, NBC, I hope you’re happy now.
Did I mention that the Knicks are now 3-14? And that the Nets are 0-17?
Just checking.
Good Morning America has changed its mind. Chris Brown will still appear for an interview (make it a drinking game — do a shot every time he says the word “sorry”), but he will not be performing.
That is to say, he will be performing in the sense that he will be feigning remorse, but he won’t be singing any songs.
It’s Monday, it’s miserable out and I’m gassy. Despite all of these things, try to have a lovely day.
So many lovely people at one table (not to mention some mad delicious bacon, yo). And the view from my cousin’s new apartment is kind of ridiculous (note to self: your phone is a camera, dummy). A Sunday well-spent (despite it being only 4:00 p.m.). Let’s see what the Post has to say.
TIGER COPS OUT
Stonewalls police twice about wife and ‘accident’
Tiger Woods started two gay riots? The accompanying paragraph of text states, “Weak-swinging cops have hit a double bogey in their attempts to interview Tiger Woods and wife Elin about the bizarre car crash outside his Florida home that left Tiger with minor injuries and Elin swinging a golf club. Police plan to try a third time today.”
1) I see what they did there.
2) Maybe they should call first?
3) I’m pretty sure that’s Elin’s home, too, you sexist newspaper.
Roughly half of the $96,700,000 of Medicaid abuse found in the state of New York has come from New York City health-care providers and hospitals. I wonder how much abuse was committed by the folks like Dr. Marc Siegel who insist that health-care reform will kill granny and cost me more (new study by MIT: it will cost me less, jerk).
Pedro Espada, Jr., who is one of the lowest forms of excrement on Moh’s Excrement Scale, sent a letter to his employees (at his second job — being in charge of Soundview HealthCare Network) urging them to “immediately” call his lawyers if they are contacted by the Attorney General’s office or “any other member of law enforcement investigating Soundview.”
When questioned about this, Espada explained, “Employees are entitled to in-house legal counsel… The letter was a formality to remind them.”
I wonder how much Medicaid fraud was committed by Soundview.
HE’S TOM TORO-IFIC takes a whole page to tell us about Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz’s latest motion picture, Knight & Day (I’ve been waiting for this celestial re-pairing ever since they co-starred in the almost-Shadowboxerian Vanilla Sky). “If he wasn’t Tom Cruise the movie star, he would be the best stuntman in the business,” gushes Cameron Diaz (causing every stuntman in Los Angeles to simultaneously belly-laugh and hate Cameron Diaz).
Fun fact: The movie’s budget? $90,000,000. The amount of money that has already been spent on the still-being-filmed epic? $180,000,000.
Fun opinion: Tom Cruise is gay, he is insane, his “religion” is insane, he is gay, Katie Holmes is going to write a book in ten years that will force him into hiding and also, he is gay.
The 2-page spread on Tiger Woods’ car accident is laid out like a cross between the JFK assassination and The Family Circus.
Ida Know had no comment.
In 2007, 439 clubs and restaurants in the New York City/Long Island/Westchester area had “special permits for late-night partying.”
In 2008, only 388 had one.
This year, the number has fallen to 165. Which means that either there are going to be a lot less New Years’ Eve parties this year or that there are going to be a lot more illegal ones.
Or both.
Benjamin Doctor has been convicted of 134 misdemeanors over the last 30 years. Seven of them are since March 2009.
The EXCLUSIVE article (134 busts! So why is this guy free?) includes the sentence, “He was sentenced to 45 days and, for today at least, is behind bars at Rikers.”
Only in the New York Post, kiddies. Only in the awful New York Post.
Mike Penner, 52, committed suicide and was pronounced dead on Friday.
Penner, a sportswriter for the LA Times, announced that he was a transexual in an April 26, 2007 article (“Old Mike, New Christine” — which has nothing whatsoever to do with the CBS sitcom The New Adventures of Old Christine) and promised that (after a few weeks’ vacation) he would return “as a woman.” But he went back to his old name last year.
I am uncertain as to which junk he had when he died, but he (she?) was a great journalist and will be missed (mistered?).
This warmed my heart.
The Salahis (the state dinners crashers) “owe everybody a zillion dollars. Doors are starting to get closed in their faces. Their money is running out, and they are on their last gasp.”
They told the press that they want at least “six figures” for an interview with them.
Pay it, Bravo!
Yup. Amy Fisher’s husband and Rodney King’s boxing match was put together by the founder of the Celebrity Boxing Federation.
If you know a good fraud attorney, let me know. I want to get this class-action party started.
Joe Girardi works out at the Equinox in Scarsdale?
Maybe it’s time to get back into shape, Dad?
Page Six (today on page 13) has a candid photo of Susan Boyle in her polka-dot bathrobe steeping out to get her paper.
Not. Safe. For. Eyes.
Has Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary been Twittering from prison?
Is “avary” really him? If so, will this impact his year-long sentence?
From Oscar-winning writer to Twittering jailbird.
The National Geographic Channel is airing a special tonight at 9:00 called Nazi Mystery: Twins from Brazil.
For decades, according to the special, a remote Brazilian village has been churning out twins with “clean-cut Aryan features” for decades. Is Josef Mengele to blame?
Ira Levin had no comment.
According to Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Brad and Angelina will soon be getting a divorce. The Post’s headline for a 2-page excerpt from that book is Pot-puffing Pitt & paranoid Jolie on road to breakup amid loud & ’scary’ fights, so it must be true.
Kyle Smith writes about how cap-and-trade legislation is awful and global warming is “all a bunch of crap” (he was quoting Homer Simpson, to be fair, but that’s still his actual point of view regardless).
Melissa Lafsky warns that Twilight: New Moon is teaching young girls the wrong lessons about love.
Peggy Noonan explains (in HITTING A NEW LOW) “How the bow can become symbol of Obama’s presidency.”
Marcio Moreira of Chatham, New Jersey writes in to say that “Michael Goodwin’s piece [on Obama's bowing in Asia] was right on the money.”
What a great idea for a book (seriously)!
Hellraisers: The Life and Inebriated Times of Richard Burton, Richard Harris, Peter O’Toole and Oliver Reed is exactly the kind of book I adore. And I’ve heard enough of the stories about these guys and alcohol to want to read more.
Hello, Brooklyn Library!
What a great idea for a product (seriously)!
GraTRUEities are business card-sized notes with one-liners printed on them, which you leave with your tip (at a restaurant), explaining what you specifically thought about the service. Some examples: “Hovering is for aircraft.” “The best service I’ve seen since Wimbledon!” “A sense of timing is a mark of genius.” “Man does not live by bread (or water) alone.” “Today’s special was you.” “Gone, but not forgotten.”
The inventors, Julie McHenry and Nancy Grushkin, sell $10 “decks” of 52 cards — 40 are pre-inscribed, 12 are blank (so you can make up your own zingers).
What a great idea for a television show (incredibly sarcastically)!
‘SHORE’ THING: New Jersey gets its day in the sun, thanks to a guido invasion gushes over MTV’s new “reality” “tv show” Jersey Shore.
When did “guido” become an acceptable name for the people of Seaside Heights? It’s accurate, sure, but acceptable?
Gawker.com claims that Derek Jeter is going to be named Sports Illustrated’s 2009 Sportsman of the Year.
The award comes with the swimsuit issue and a phone shaped like a football (but only if you call now).
Now that’s good sports reporting!
Under the headline HIGH SCHOOL: Win streak ends at 79, is this (in its entirety): Smith Center High School lost 20-12 in overtime in the Kansas high school Class 2-1A title game in Hays, Kan., ending the Redmen’s 79-game winning streak, the longest in Kansas history and one of the longest in the country.”
What a great story! Now can someone please tell me what sport they were playing?
Bud Selig will step down in 2012.
OMG! That’s one of the signs of Apocalypto!
Next Sunday is not the NY Giants’ last stand, Post. That was last Thursday.
Please make a note of it.
Rex Ryan says the Jets are not “even close to crumbling.”
Please make a laugh at it.
I hope everyone enjoyed their long(ish) weekend. I’m expecting some freelance work this week, so I don’t know how much free time I’ll have. But I’ll do m’darndest to read this horrible newspaper (so you don’t have to).
Have a great week, kids!
Remember that story about the people who crashed the state dinner? Well, today’s front page is a photo of the woman shaking hands with Obama (WELCOME!). And, like Thursday and Friday, there’s a 2-page follow-up (with photo of the woman and Katie Couric!). Her mother (Michaele Salahi’s, not Katie Couric’s) insists that “They’re blowing this out of proportion. This is outrageous.” She also says, “I’m very proud of the way [Michaele]’s handling this. She’s not crying. There hasn’t been a tear in her eye because she knows she proceeded appropriately.”
According to the law, it is illegal to “knowingly make statements on matters involving the federal government.” Which, unless the Salahis told the guy at the gate, “We’re just a couple of douchebags who want to be on the TV. Please let us in,” is exactly what these folks did.
In fact, a Bravo camera crew was following the Salahis for the entire day, filming them right up to the front gates of the White House. Which makes Bravo an accomplice. I will pray to Jeebus that Bravo gets prosecuted. Then (and only then) then will I Watch What Happens™.
Mike Bloomberg didn’t spend $100,000,000 to get re-elected.
He spent $102,000,000 (that’s $174 for each vote he got). That means that, starting with his first run in 2001, he has spent $261,000,000 of his own money.
Normally, you’d have to play for the Yankees for almost 10 years to get that kind of money.
Tiger Woods crashed his car. Some folks say he was injured in the crash. Others say his wife injured him prior to his driving. Some have even said that his wife “clawed his face” because she found out about an affair through “sexts” on Tiger’s phone.
The affair is allegedly with Rachel Uchitel, who you may remember from the front page of the New York Post on September 14th, 2001. She was holding up a picture of her fiancé, Andy O’Grady, and weeping.
The Orlando Sentinel reported that Tiger “had cuts on his lips and was bleeding from the mouth and nose” and “drifted in and out of consciousness” after police arrived, and that his wife, Elin, “was frantic, upset.”
But the one detail that fits both the “she was trying to rescue him from the car after he passed out” version and the “she was angry and trying to beat up her husband” version can be found in the caption of one of the photos of Elin, “who smashed through the rear window with a club to get to him.”
According to Page Six (today on page 10), Courtney Love was spotted making out (“in front of astonished onlookers”) with actor DJ Qualls.
B’also, Lindsay Lohan’s “security crew” confiscated the mobile phone of Gabe Saporta (lead singer of Cobra Starship) and erased all of his pictures. Why? Because he photographed Lindsay “partying.” Hey, Gabe? Get a Droid. Google backs up everything. Fo’ reals.
B’also’also, Page Six said that Jennifer Aniston “outshone the other stars” at the re-opening of the La Mamounia Hotel in Marrakech, Morocco. Other guests included Miranda Kerr, Bryan Ferry, Dree Hemingway, Glenda Bailey, Colin Cowlie, Matthew Williamson, Daria Werbowy and Shinan Govani. And yet, somehow, Jennifer Aniston outshone them all.
B’one more: Snoop Dogg put a song on his new album called “1800.” In exchange for that, he gets a lifetime supply of 1800 tequila. Which is why I will be releasing my new song “Low-Cost Health Insurance” in the next few days.
Elle magazine has named Michelle Obama the most stylish political figure in the world (Carla Bruni came in second).
The New York Post, meanwhile, continues to pay columnists to make fun of Michelle’s exposed arms.
Sacre boo.
When we go to California next month, we plan on taking the AirTrain to the airport.
Oh, look: One of them lost two of its doors while traveling early yesterday. Oh, look: The AirTrain is a fully-computerized train and has no motorman or conductor. Oh, look: I’m calling a car service.
The IRS says Governor Ah-nuld owes $80,000 in taxes.
But don’t worry — he carries more than that in the space between his two front teeth.
Mary Jo Coady, of Methuen, Massachusetts, claims that Jesus Christ appeared to her as a stain on her iron and told her that, despite her recent separation from her husband and reduction of her hours at work, “life is going to be good.”
Asked about what she’d do with the iron, she said that she would “keep the stained iron in a closet and buy a new one.”
Blasphemy!
In today’s reader mail… I knew it.
“Ralph Peters’ article could not be more accurate.” — Rich Maldonado, Staten Island
“Peters and the majority of Americans realize the dangers of fanatical Islam.” — Matthew Nugent, Staten Island
“Holder is trying to impose ‘liberal arts’ solutions to a security problem.” — Charlie Honadel, Staten Island
Oh, that’s why we never go to Staten Island…
John Wilson explains why Rep. Patrick Kennedy is “wrong” and that he should be excommunicated (Less of a Catholic) for not siding with the pro-life lobby.
Whatever happened to answering to God in the next life for your sins in this one? Why not just let Jeebus deal with Patrick? Why you gots to get all up in his heezy, church?
Stay classy, Catholicism.
The Knicks are 3-13.
The Nets are 0-16. That means that if they lose their next game (Sunday at 9:30!), they’ll tie the NBA record for worst start of a season (the 1988-89 Heat and 1998-99 Clippers shame that [dis]honor). If they also lose their following game (Wednesday at 7:30!), they will be in a (horrible, cringeworthy) class by themselves.
GIANTS’ SEASON ON THE BRINK? Unless the Post is talking about next season, I disagree. This one is over. Just walk away, fans. Nothing to see here.
This is exactly how Sophie felt.
Tomorrow on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m., Mario Lopez provides the voice for the titular yellow Labrador Retriever in the live-action The Dog Who Saved Christmas (he “winds up outwitting a pair of thieves trying to break into the family home” – it’s like Home Alone meets a movie about a dog who saves Christmas somehow!).
Tomorrow on CBS at 9:00 p.m., Noel Fisher stars as “a developmentally challenged young man” who adopts a yellow Labrador Retriever and names him Christmas in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, A Dog Named Christmas.
How can I pick just one?
We’re having brunch with various members of the family tomorrow in Williamsburg. I have no idea when (or if) we’ll get back. But I’ll write something eventually. That’s how I do.
Happy weekend!
Last night was delicious. However, the drinking of the coffee after the eating of the turkey led to the staying up until late of the me (and, thankfully to a lesser extent, Teresa). I am exhausted, but a deal’s a deal. First, an abbreviated version of yesterday’s paper.
The two folks on the front page (PARTY DUPERS) somehow managed to get into Obama’s state dinner despite not being on any of the guest lists. They also got their picture taken with Rahm and Biden. The 2-page follow up (CRASHING BAM’S BIG BASH) claims that Michaele Salahi (who was there with her husband, Tareq) is in contention to be one of the Real Housewives of Washington, D.C. (what a great idea, Bravo!) and they thought this stunt might put them over the top.
As I read about this (and the “pimp” and “prostitute” who keep punking ACORN offices), I wished that someone would start pulling pranks on the right wing. Last night I watched the video of the Canadian lady who got Palin to denounce the Canadian health-care system at a Borders. So now I’m wishing for $15,000.
Lou Dobbs, in anticipation of what he actually thinks is a sound decision — namely his 2012 presidential candidacy — is starting to court the Latino community of the United States.
“Whatever you have thought of me in the past, I can tell you right now that I am one of your greatest friends and I mean for us to work together,” he said in an interview with Telemundo.
“But if I lose,” he added after the cameras stopped rolling, “I will round up every one of you beige people and send you back to whatever third world armpit you came here from. So, you know, weigh your options carefully.”
The doctor who treated Vada Vasquez, who is now speaking after spending a week in a coma, says that she should be ready for release in about a month.
Fingers crossed.
Pages 10 and 11 (THE 9/11 TAPES) are filled up with texts that were sent during the morning of 9/11/01. The article has the banner headline Pager messages reveal confusion, fright and desperate pleas for info, which is odd because I always assumed those messages would be totally calm and aloof with a hint of satire. I won’t reprint any of them, but thanks again, Post for reminding me how awful that day was.
Obama pardoned a turkey. Then he made a joke.
“You know, there are certain days that remind me of why I ran for this office. And then there are moments like this — where I pardon a turkey and send it to Disneyland.”
Glenn Beck is close to figuring out why this is an outrageous slap in the face to the victims at Fort Hood.
Three grade-school students have been arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit a crime and criminal possession of a weapon. One of them was caught (with a boxcutter) by a school safety agent and, after being interrogated by police, he gave up his two accomplices. The three had planned to attack a member of the faculty (a knife was also recovered in a search of the boys). The school? PS 2 in Morrisania.
The kid with the boxcutter? 9 years old. His accomplices? 8 and 11.
(waves miniature American flag)
Good Morning America won’t let Adam Lambert on, but you can catch an interview (“followed by a performance of songs from his new album” — that’s songs with an s!) with Chris Brown (the guy who beat up Rihanna!) on an upcoming episode!
Don’t kiss other guys, fellas; smack yo’ lady!
“Sarah Palin asks, ‘If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?’ It’s a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made of meat. And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is nobody should go to Sarah Palin’s house for Thanksgiving.” — Jimmy Fallon
Mandrea!
Spew gotta be kiddin’ with all the blame games takes a firm stance against all those whiny new autobiographies out there. Andre Agassi’s Open, Mackenzie Phillips’ High on Arrival, Theo Fleury’s Playing with Fire… Peyser insists that all of these books are an indication of how pussified and apologetic our country has become (“Love too much? You’re a sex addict. Hate too grossly? That’s [sic] makes you a rage-aholic.”)… including the one purported to be written by Sarah Palin.
“Sarah Palin jumped on the reality book-writing bandwagon with Going Rogue – a triumphant best seller in which she manages to blame everyone from Katie Couric to Sen. John McCain for her failure to become the first moose-shooting vice president [sic] of the United States. Everyone, that is, except herself.”
Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.
“Competing with Mackenzie for the top of the “ick” mountain soon will be Chaz Bono — born Chastity. The daughter, now son, of Sonny and Cher is writing a memoir, Coming Clean, that will describe, in nausea-provoking detail, her emotional, physical and surgical change from a woman to a man.”
Did see that one coming (on account of she’s an intolerant woman who is constantly mistaken for a man).
In Put this Lam on a skewer, she wonders “what was more painful, listening to American Idol loser Adam Lambert warbling like a tone-deaf duck on Sunday’s American Music Awards, or watching him kiss a guy on the mouth, lead another by a leash, and thrust his crotch into the face of some poor dancer who just showed up for work. The mind aches.”
I can imagine how your mind must ache, Mandrea. You actually watched the AMA’s. On purpose.
“Someone needs to start putting warning signs on the tube. Or holding auditions.”
Um… he auditioned for American Idol. Dummy.
Go back to your hovel under a bridge.
Apple takes shine to ‘Rogue’ attributes 21,000 sales of “Palin’s” “book” in New York City so far. The Post calls this “[not doing] too shabby.”
I think there were more people at the last Nets game.
Michelle Malkin’s The Unforgettable ‘Turkeys’ of 2009 lists the biggest flops of the year. They include The stimulus, Green-jobs czar Van Jones (czar = Communist, people!), The New York Times, Tea Party-bashers (“Millions of ordinary, peaceful Americans joined the Tea Party Movement…”), and President O-bow-ma (“This month, he provoked global derision when he broke protocol and performed a spineless blunder in front of the Japanese emperor.”).
Global derision? For performing the custom of the head of state he was meeting? Are you even partially serious?
You are a horrible person, Michelle, and Shannen Doherty’s eyes are less uneven then yours.
Lou Lumenick put together his very own awards for the worst of 2009 (is his cubicle next to Malkin’s?).
“EVIDENCE THAT NOVELIST-TURNED-SCREENWRITER MAY BE THE ANTICHRIST: The insufferably smug Away We Go and the insufferably twee Where the Wild Things Are.”
Ironically, I’ve found that only the smuggest of the smug use the word “twee.”
Shelley Duncan is no longer a New York Yankee.
I think that’s a mistake.
The Knicks are 3-12.
The Nets are 0-15.
Adam Lambert on the negative reactions to his AMA performance: “I’m not a babysitter. I’m a performer… I think it’s because I’m a gay male.”
I think someone’s already finished Going Rogue…
And now, today’s paper.
The cover story today is a regurgitation of yesterday’s cover story. SCRIPT TEASE offers very little new info in the story of the Salahis (though today’s 2-page follow-up has some new photos — including one with Charlie Rangel). Stop featuring publicity-hungry jackasses on the front pages of newspapers. It encourages them.
P.S. – $20 says she gets cast on Bravo’s latest shrew-sploitation epic.
It didn’t rain during the parade yesterday.
God must hate Glee.
What a great political cartoon! Al Gore is asking Michael Moore, a boy with his pants on fire, Pinocchio, and a boy in tears and waving a picture of a wolf, “DO WE HAVE A CONSENSUS THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS SETTLED SCIENCE?”
Outstanding work, guy who forgot to sign what is surely his magnum opus!
Page Six (today on page 14) has yet still another photo of Peter Dinklage walking his dog.
Cut it out.
How much money does it take to convince the Swiss courts to release a man who lived as a fugitive from justice for over 30 years?
$4,500,000. Roman Polanski will pay that much in bail and will be placed under house arrest in his $1,600,000 mountain chalet in the Alps.
Nothing is definite just yet, but it looks like Roman will be released in the next “couple of weeks.”
Forget it, Jake. It’s Switzerland.
Jermaine Jackson on the recent suicide of Evan Handler, the father of the boy who claimed that Michael Jackson Billie Jeaned his Thriller (if you know what I mean): “This kid’s father has committed suicide because he just couldn’t take it and now the kid has come forward and said Michael never touched him. He never touched him.”
The people at the charity event Jermaine was speaking at seemed a little confused by this and, when he started to grab the food off of their plates, they had security remove him.
Thailand has some strict new rules regarding sex in their country. Sex changes, that is.
Finding an 8-year-old to have sex with is still as easy to find as a noodle shop, but if you want a sex-change operation, you will have to spend a year cross-dressing to make sure you definitely want to go through with it.
A whole year?!? But I want to be a ladyboy now!
Howie Mandel has written a new book titled Here’s the Deal: Don’t Touch Me.
It will discuss both his germaphobia and his job hosting Would You Like To Accept The Current Offer For Your Numbered Briefcase or Would You Like To Point At More Numbered Briefcases?
Lance Armstrong has also written a new book and, despite my numerous e-mails and letters, it is not titled Life’s a Ball.
There’s an editorial about those poor Navy SEALs who stand accused of abusing a prisoner. It demands that we just accept that if a Navy SEAL punches someone, they probably had a really good reason to do so and we shouldn’t question their motives or actions.
And yet, for some bizarre reason, this same newspaper questions everything their elected officials do and say (the Democratic ones, anyway).
Curious.
James J. Ring of Ossining (that rhymes!) writes in to say, “When Obama and Holder decided on a show trial in New York, they ensured that the courtroom will be a circus. If the trial becomes a political disaster, Holder’s job is safe only until the first bus comes along.”
I have absolutely no idea what James means. Is the bus going to explode? Is it a bus out of town? Is it the bus that will take the circus to their next performance?
Any insight is greatly appreciated.
Bill O’Reilly applauds the current “we’re mad as Hell that people focus on our rampant child abuse and our ex-communicating Catholics for being pro-choice, and we’re not going to take it anymore” revolt by folks like Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York.
Someone punch him in the throat and break his fingers.
Is it just me or do this year’s Black Friday sales (10% off everything!!!!) seem incredibly tame?
Yesterday, Shelley Duncan left the Yankees. Today, it’s Bob Sheppard.
Granted, Sheppard hasn’t actually done any public address announcing at the Stadium (either of them) for over two years (those are all recordings of Bob Sheppard, fans), but the 99-year-old is making his retirement official.
Many thanks, Bob.
The New York Giants are finished for the season. Oh, they’ll still play games, but the outcomes will all be full of sound and fury (signifying nothing).
A new TV version of The Human Target (with Chi McBride and Jackie Earle Haley!) will start airing on January 17th. Kitchen Nightmares returns on January 29th.
But Season 14 of South Park is over. And I still have no idea what’s going on with Southland.
Why you gotta be like that, television?
My wife is home and the sun isn’t completely out of the sky! And it’s weekend time!
See you later, kiddies!
I haven’t had a chance to go to the movies in months. This made me sad, until I read today about how my local theater, The Pavilion, is suspected of having a bedbug problem.
I don’t miss the hunt for an unbroken seat, but I sorely miss their popcorn.
If there are actually bedbugs (since the source of this rumor is some message board postings, I remain skeptical — though that might just be the popcorn talking), I hope they get it fixed soon. Along with their seats.
HOME FREE tells the story of Suffolk Judge Jeffrey Spinner’s recent ruling in favor of Greg Horoski and his wife, Diane Yano-Horoski. They were on the verge of being foreclosed on by OneWest (the bank that owned their mortgage and also took $814,200,000 in federal bailout money). Spinner erased the $525,000 the couple owed, calling OneWest’s conduct, “inequitable, unconscionable, vexatious and opprobrious” and “harsh, repugnant, shocking and repulsive.”
OneWest’s response? “We respectfully disagree with the lower court’s unprecedented ruling and we expect that it will be overturned on appeal.”
Sadly, I think OneWest is correct, but maybe Greg and Diane will be able to keep their home and this case will set a new precedent.
Every electric bill in New York will go up between 4% and 6% in April 2010. And again in April 2011. And again in April 2012.
Outstanding.
Is the New York State government working on an involuntary warning system that, in the case of emergency, will interrupt your Xbox, Wii or PlayStation game? Yes!
The idea of interrupting a game of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 to issue an Amber alert strikes me as hilarious.
Charities across the country are running out of the turkeys that they use ever year to feed to homeless.
In a related story, a new poll says that 52% of pet owners plan on buying Christmas presents for their pets.
(waves miniature American flag)
Page 7 is a full-page photo of a “mentally troubled man” who somehow wound up in one of the enclosures at the new Baren Park in Bern, Switzerland. Baren is Swiss for “bear.”
The photo is of the man being chewed on by a 550-pound bear. He is covered in blood. In the bottom left corner, there’s another photo of pretty much the same thing (except in this one, you can see his bloody face more clearly). Somehow, the man survived.
I hope that every columnist who eviscerated Oprah for broadcasting the chimp-maul lady’s face (a photo of which the Post then ran repeatedly, including on their front page) takes a really good look at today’s page 7.
Really, Obama? Really?
I’m looking at the menu for last night’s first state dinner at the White House. The first course?
White House Arugula with Onion Seed Viniagrette.
In volleyball, that’s called a “set.” I wonder which Fox News screaming head will be the first to spike.
Calabasas, California. A beautiful little town despite Jessica Simpson living there.
A Facebook group declared it was “Kick A Ginger Day,” prompting at least five attacks on red-haired students at a local middle school. No one was seriously hurt (unless you count feelings).
(waves miniature Irish flag)
Vada Vasquez looked up at her mother yesterday and whispered, “Mom.”
She remains in stable condition in the intensive-care unit.
Awesome.
Good Morning America has bumped Adam Lambert from its show because of his raunchy AMA performance (He kissed a male dancer! On the TV! Like when Roseanne kissed a lady on her show 152 years ago!), but CBS’ The Early Show and The Late Show with David Letterman will feature him a guest today/tonight.
To be fair, he also shoved another male dancer’s face in his crotch to simulate fellatio, but didn’t Madonna build an empire doing the same thing?
Lambert insists that if he were female, no one would have had a problem. I agree. Unless, of course, the dancer whose face he rubbed his junk on was also a woman.
I’ve learned to check that I’m online before clicking the “publish” button. Today I learned that sometimes I will get logged out somehow and — even if I’m online — the post won’t automatically save any drafts as a result. So… here is where the excerpt of the original post ends. I will try to reproduce what I wrote before, but it took a while and I have stuff to get done… I need a personal assistant.
Nymeen Cheatham, 32, pleaded guilty of beating Kyle Smith to death with her hairbrush. Her plea bargain “should have her out of prison by 2025.”
If we were talking about the Kyle Smith who reviews movies for the Post, I’d argue that the sentence was too harsh. Sadly, he’s still alive. No, the Kyle Smith that Cheatham beat to death was her 3-year-old godson.
Less than 20 years for beating your 3-year-old godson to death? With a hairbrush?
The system works?
Michael Goodwin, to paraphrase Cuddy, has met my low expectations and exceeded them.
His big ‘un today is Barack & Sarah’s reversal of fortune. Michael believes that the victorious Obama and the defeated and vilified Palin of late 2008 have switched places with each other’s present-day selves.
It’s a perfectly valid point: The status that Barack Obama had when he became America’s first Black POTUS is equivalent to Sarah Palin’s current bus tour of various and sundry Borders and U.S. Army bases (where she has been asked to not open her mouth about politics [you know, the thing she quit so that someone could ghostwrite her book for her]). And currently, Obama is being ridiculed by the parts of America with teeth because his daughter got knocked up by some White trash and he’s spending every waking minute blaming everyone for his losses.
It boggles my mind that people who aren’t required to wear bicycle helmets everywhere they go can actually say “[Sarah Palin's] becoming the phenomenon Obama was a year ago” without bursting out in laughter (or screaming “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” before and after it). It makes me think of the guy who refuses to debate people who believe in “intelligent design” because that would imply that “intelligent design” is as possible and evolution are on equal footing.
Sarah Palin went from graduating the 4th college she attended to fancy pagaent-walkin’ to mayor of the Alaskan town with the state’s worst crystal meth epidemic to governor of that state (right up until she decided that the best way to serve her constituents was to renege on her promise to serve them). She did awful things while in office and then she lied during the debates. That established her (to us pinky-extending smarty-pantses) as a liar. That is why her book was fact-checked. She is a liar. Her most rabid fans don’t even know her positions (because she loves tellin’ people that real Americans don’t need no strategery sessions — God puts in our hearts what the right thing to do is!), nor do they really know the details of Democratic bills or why they hate them so much, just that they do (God put that hate in their hearts! Who are you to judge it?).
Goodwin also reprimands Obama for playing golf again after returned from his trip(s) overseas (or as Mikey calls it “a bowing-and-scraping trip to Asia”). He also can’t resist pulling out the old “Obama thinks he’s Jesus” meme that real Americans so treasure (“He set those expectations with messianic-like promises..”). You hear that, mouth-breathers? He’s trying to replace Jesus Christ! He thinks he’s the new Jesus Christ! Agreeing with him on any policy makes you an accessory to the Anti-Christ! Vote Republican or burn in Hell!
But today’s piece de resistance is Hold 9/11 trial in Bam’s hometown. Goodwin has long insisted that having the trial here makes us more likely to be attacked by terrorists.“A poll” that Goodwin found (possibly in his ass, possibly somewhere else) says that 52% of New York City residents agree that an attack is “more likely” because the trial is being held here. In a poll that probably asked “Do you think the trial makes it less likely, as likely or more likely that there will be another terrorist attack?” I would have to answer that it is (ever-so-slightly) more likely that there will be an attack. But, then, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop for over eight years. It hasn’t, and I’m tired of worrying about boogeymen. So while I believe that, yes, the pendulum has swung from a 99/1 chance to 98.9/1.1, I also believe that the terrorists won’t attack — that New York is ready this time and the only people who should be nervous are the defendants.
Goodwin’s position gives the terrorists power. Courage is trying those fuckers at the scene of the crime and making them pay with their lives. I believe that if the people I elected tell me they have it covered, they have it covered. The piece ends with one final paragraph.
“Since the Obama White House is so keen on a trial, let’s move it to the president’s hometown. Chicago and Khalid Sheik Mohammed — perfect together.”
Michael Goodwin wants the trial to be moved to where Obama used to live (his family lives in Washington, D.C. for the next three years), despite (because of?) the fact that it will make a terrorist attack more likely (to Goodwin this means “imminent”). The second sentence is especially bizarre to me. What did Chicago ever do to Michael Goodwin? Did Chicago and Mad Men force Goodwin and Michael Starr to have sex with each other?
Stay classy, Mike.
Palin’s write $tuff beats out Hillary takes up almost all of page 12. Hillary’s book (published in June 2003) sold 600,000 copies in its first week. Palin’s “book” that she “wrote” sold 600,000 copies in its first two days (according the fawning Michael Goodwin) and 700,000 in the entire first week (which means that people are almost finished buying it).
Here’s a totally non-partisan sentence: “But as the sales of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s tome have fizzled by now, Palin’s book yesterday was the No. 1 seller on Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.”
Clinton published her book 6 years ago, you horrible newspaper! “Since The Dark Knight and Titanic haven’t grossed a single penny at the box office in many months, it looks like Twilight is the best movie ever made.”
From the author’s note of Going Rogue: “I’m very glad this writing exercise is over. I love to write, but not about myself.” Says the “author” of this “book” who told Oprah that she’s been writing personal journals every day since she was a kid.
I love to read, but not about her.
The Nyets (heh) had a court victory yesterday. No, not on the court — in the court.
The Court of Appeals ruled (6-1) that eminent domain can be exercised in the construction of their new stadium across the street from Pathmark.
Losing your home is bad enough, but to a team that’s currently 0-14?
Rain during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?
God must really like Glee.
The Gotti jurors are deadlocked. Gotti’s attorney asked for a mistrial. The judge said no and told the jurors to keep trying to reach a verdict. But why fight the inevitable, your honor?
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Gotti gotta walk, feds gotta re-indict.
(cue “Circle of Life” from The Lion King)
If they refer to this as celebrity boxing, I swear to God I’m filing a class-action lawsuit.
Rodney King will be boxing in Philadelphia (of course) on December 18th. His oppenent will be Lou Bellera for some reason. He’s Amy Fisher’s husband.
For some reason.
Since Cindy Adams is on vacation/at death’s door, I’ll give her column a shot.
Ahem.
The article The icebergs cometh warns that “hundreds of icebergs believed to have split off Antarctic ice shelves are drifting north toward New Zealand.” Directly above it is Climate bill on thin ice which proudly trumpets that the GOP has put all global warming legislation “on life support” because it’s all hokum anyway.
Only in the New York Post, kiddies. Only in the New York Post.
I need a shower.
iTunes has started selling live concerts for as little as $7.99.
Will Ticketmaster try to argue that this will hurt their profits?
Consider it a handling fee, you asshats.
An 18-year-old student at Sacred Heart University claims that she was having consensual sex with a fellow student when two other students jumped out and had sex with her while the guy she was with held her down. The three “men” in this scenario are all lacrosse players at SHU. If true, all three should be thrown in prison for a looooong time. But (and you’ll have to forgive my skepticism) when I hear that three lacrosse players raped someone, I feel like I need to wait for more intel.
Harold Ford Jr. might run against Sen. Gillibrand! Awesome!
I wonder how that would affect the supposed 9iu11ani landslide…
A zoo in Indiana is selling dried ‘n’ sterilized deer poops (which they cover with glitter) as Christmas tree ornaments and necklaces. I couldn’t find a photo of them online.
You’re welcome.
Editorials in a nutshell: The New York Legislature is too big, Obama’s full of shit, global warming is bullshit, we shouldn’t have the 9/11 trial here, and if we do have the trial here then the government will lose the case against the terrorists.
Movie reviews!
Lou Lumenick gives three stars to both The Princess and the Frog (“…simply ribbiting”) and Me and Orson Welles (“Ham on wry.”).
Kyle Smith gives Ninja Assassin two and a half stars (Kyle compares the physical traumas suffered by the film’s titular hero to his having to attend a screening of Old Dogs — three times), two stars to The Road (“Zombieland was the same movie with laughs, but if you take away the comedy, what is left?”), and one star to Old Dogs (it’s a tie: “Old Dogs does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet.” and “[H]as [Seth Green] always been this small? His dimensions are somewhere between garden gnome and dashboard ornament.”).
But what of Hammond?
Pete Hammond calls Old Dogs “riotously funny!”
God bless you, Hammond.
Kelsey Grammer will co-star in a Broadway revival of La Cage aux Folles.
He’ll be playing Frasier.
Dancing With the Stars crowned Donny Osmond the winner of their horrible show last night. That means we can all relax until the show returns in… January 2010? Seriously?
Watch Modern Family. There’s a re-run of it at 8:00 tonight (on ABC), with a new episode at 9:00.
Great cast, great writing. I thought I’d hate another show in the “we’re in a documentary for some reason” style that Gervais and Merchant perfected in The Office, but when the fat kid told his mother, “I gave her my heart, she gave me a photo of me as an old-time sheriff,” I knew this was worth my time (and yours).
If I don’t post tomorrow, Happy Thanksgiving, you turkey!
For your health!
Attorney General (and soon-to-be-Governor) Andrew Cuomo has filed suit against the United Homeless Organization (the folks with the giant water cooler jugs who ask for moneys — hence the headline THE JUG IS UP!), accusing the UHO of being “a scam run by con artists who pocket most of the change they collect.”
“UHO founder Stephen Riley and director Myra Walker take a big cut of the money to fund personal shopping sprees at the GameStop, Home Shopping Network, Bed Bath & Beyond and P.C. Richard, as well as their monthly cable bills, legal papers charge.”
A person rents a table, tablecloth, apron and jug for $15-$25 per 4-hour shift. “Rent” aside, everything else that goes in the jug goes to the person asking you to put money in the jug. Investigators recorded various “table workers” saying that donations “would help fund soup kitchens, food pantries, shelters and detox centers.” When in fact the money goes into those workers’ pockets.
Go get ‘em, Andy.
Lou Dobbs is actually seriously considering running for pesident in 2012. “It’s one of the discussions we’re having,” he said on the radio show hosted by that other baritone grump, Fred Thompson. He also said (of becoming involved in politics), “I don’t think I’ve got the nature for it.”
So he thinks he might run but he also thinks that maybe he shouldn’t. This might be the first time that Dobbs has seen two sides of an issue.
On my birthday in 1936 (38 years before I was born), Margaret Bergmann Lambert set Germany’s record for high jumping — 5′ 3″. But the Nazis disallowed the record on account of Margaret (who competed under the name Gretel Bergmann) was (and remains) a Jew.
Yesterday, Germany restored the record. Margaret, 95, who lives in Queens with her 99-year-old husband said, “It took a hell of a long time for them to do it, but I’m not going to do cartwheels over it — and I couldn’t now. I used to hate everything German. But I’ve made up my mind to not hold it against the next generations.”
Congratulations, Margaret!
More incredibly groundbreaking medical studies!
Researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign observed 36 “college-age subjects” as they walked on a treadmill “in a virtual environment meant to simulate a busy two-lane street.” Some had iPods, some had cellphones, some had nothing. Here are the amazing results (make sure you’re sitting down before you read any further):
People talking on cellphones were “much more distracted, crossed the street more slowly and didn’t look around as much.” Walkers with iPods were just as minimally distracted as walkers with nothing.
“Although it is unclear at this point whether this [cellphone-related] impairment can manifest in increased pedestrian-automobile accidents, our data do suggest that there is at least a strong possibility that decision-making processes, such as those associated with identifying and acting on safe cross opportunities, are impaired,” said one of the people with way too much time and grant money on their hands.
This reminds me of the Monty Python sketch where Graham Chapman is a scientist comparing human brains to penguins’. He notes that penguins are smaller than humans, so he enlarges the penguin until it’s human-sized. The penguin’s brain is still smaller than the human’s, Chapman admits, “But — and this is the point — it’s larger than it was!”
Oh, YouTube. You’re terrific.
Cleve Smith, 20, and Dwayne Taylor, 23 (two of the five folks in jail for the Vada Vasquez shooting), have been placed in protective custody “because they fear for their safety at Rikers Island.”
I thought that the Gorilla Bloods were made of stronger stuff, ladies.
Four babies have suffocated to death, leading to a recall of over 2,000,000 Stork Craft and Fisher-Price dropside cribs.
“Parents are urged to stop using the cribs until they’ve received a free repair kit from Stork Craft.”
Or, you know, they can just buy a replacement crib from a company that isn’t responsible for the deaths of any babies.
Oh, Miley Cyrus. You’re as humble as you are talented.
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Billy Ray Cyrus’ loinfruit went into Pop Burger and ordered some food for her and her friend. As is customary, the cashier asked for a name to mark the order with. “Are you serious? You don’t recognize me? I’m Miley Cyrus.”
The cashier didn’t recognize the name (or the face), ran her credit card and said, “That’s nice for you.”
I can’t wait for her to join Daddy in achy-breaky obscurity.
Cindy Adams has nothing of interest today (!) and signs off with, “Taking the holiday off… see you again Tuesday…”
I had no idea that Thanksgiving starts today and runs through Monday. Thanks, Cindy.
Alexandra Kerry can rest easy. No charges will be filed against her in connection with her recent arrest.
The system works!
Is NY1 cursed?
That lady reporter was put in a coma a few years back, Dominic Carter is now a convicted wife-beater, Roger Clark is as socially awkward as he is neckless and now misfortune has struck Dean Meminger.
On Sunday, a four-alarm fire blazed through a row of houses in the Bronx leaving dozens homeless and Dean Meminger’s father (Dean “The Dream” Meminger, formerly of the New York Knicks) in stable condition at Lincoln Hospital for smoke inhalation.
Watch your back, Kiernan.
Jim Bartek, of Maple Heights, Ohio, listened to the Judas Priest album Nostradamus every day for 524 consecutive days.
The band’s frontman, Rob Halford, told Bartek, “You’re a special guy.”
The double entendre was intentional, I’m sure.
If karma exists, then Biurny Peguero is in for a world of hurt.
In 2006, she accused three men of gang-raping her at knifepoint. One of them, William McCaffrey, went to prison. DNA tests on the bite-mark on her arm couldn’t be matched to McCaffrey (who Peguero insisted had bit her), but he was convicted anyway.
New tests prove the bite didn’t come from him. And Peguero, after chatting with her priest in a confessional, has asked authorities to let her “recant the rape story.”
There will be a hearing on December 10th. Prosecutors have already agreed to consent to overturning McCaffrey’s conviction, but what’s another week or two on wrongful imprisonment, right?
The system works! Slowly and erroneously!
Mailbag!
“Good riddance to Oprah Winfrey. Her brand of touchy-feely nonsense has helped elevate people’s feelings to an undeserved level of national importance. Doubt it? We now have laws governing what people can and can’t joke about at work. Get lost, already, Oprah. You have only helped to weaken this once great nation.” — Alec Lawson of Rowayton, Connecticut
“Winfrey is stepping down from her TV show in 2011. Rumor has it that she is doing so to join the Obama administration as the newly designated ‘Czar of Talk.” — Kenneth Zimmerman of Huntington Beach, California
“You have to say this for The Associated Press — it is a card-carrying member of the extended-pinky crowd and an educational outfit, to boot. Who knew that honesty was conferred along with a journalism degree? Now I understand why the rest of us need to be fact-checked. As the lamentable Dan Rather might say: Courage, Sarah.” – Paul Bloustein of Cincinnati, Ohio
Let’s review: Oprah has weakened the country by prohibiting Alec from telling racist and/or sexist jokes at his job, Kenneth is one of the unfathomably stupid Americans who think Obama created “Czars” (thus proving his Communist/Marxist/Leninist/Socialist/Nazi leanings), and Paul thinks the AP is trying to fact-check him and that smart people all extend their pinkies for some reason.
And yet, the dumbest folks all seem to have jobs at the Post. Case in point…
Puke Cocks (sorry, Ralph Peters)!
AFRAID TO KILL
‘Fighting’ terror with wishful thinking
This asshat has the audacity to ridicule Defense Secretary Robert Gates for saying, “we can’t kill our way out of this one” with regards to our War on Terror.
“What Gates and countless others really mean is that we’re unwilling to kill our way out of this assault on our civilization. So the terrorists keep on killing us.”
He also has a photo of AG Eric Holder with the caption Holder: Has no clue how Islamist terrorists think.
The only thing more disgusting than this jackass’ words is the ocean of letters I’ll read in the next couple of days applauding him for “getting it exactly right” and “hitting it on the nose.”
Maybe he’s right though. Maybe we should just bomb Terrorstan until everyone’s dead and then every other country will love us!
Gary Sheffield wants to reach a career total of 3,000 hits. He’s currently at 2,689, so it should be a problem for him to get to 3,000.
Oh, wait. That would require him getting hired by a professional baseball team for at least two years. That isn’t going to happen. Sorry, Cranky.
Hahahaha! Since a Russian guy is trying to buy the Nets and they are 0-13, the Post is calling them the New Jersey Nyets! Hahahahaha!
A documentary about Susan Boyle will air December 13th — on the TV Guide Network.
Does that mean that it will be shown above a scrolling list of what else is on?
Over 1,500 people complained to ABC about Adam Lambert’s raunchy performance on the American Music Awards, which I find incredible.
I had no idea that many people watched the AMA’s.
Regis Philbin is having hip replacement surgery.
That is the only time the words “Regis Philbin” and “hip” will ever appear in a sentence without the word “isn’t” connecting them.
I’m off to the supermarket to get some diet sodas. We both cut all soda out of our diet, but Atkins doesn’t allow that many sweet things. So, at least for the difficult first 2 weeks, we’re back of the diet soda wagon.
I highly recommend Canada Dry’s Diet Ginger Ale with Green Tea for anyone who wants to poison themselves.
Toodles!
Because “real Americans” are incredibly stupid.
I had no idea that Russia was across the street from Alaska.
TRAINIAC is not a Superman villain, nor is it someone obsessed with getting in shape. No, it’s today’s headline and the descriptor of choice for Geraldo Sanchez. New details have emerged from the stabbing murder of a straphanger early Saturday morning.
Here’s how it went down: Sanchez gets on the train, “eating something, making a mess” (according to a “source”) and then demands that Dwight Johnson, 36, move his bag from the seat next to him (he was sitting in a three-seater by the door). Johnson tells Sanchez that there are plenty of other available seats. “No, I want this seat,” Sanchez replies.
So Johnson moves his bag. Sanchez just stares at Johnson, finally asking, “You think I’m scared of you? I’m not scared of you!” (according to a “witness”).
Johnson says nothing and does nothing (yesterday the Post said [seemingly erroneously] that he punched Sanchez in the face). Then Sanchez stabs him in the neck and hands. As Johnson lay there dying, he pries open the subway doors and drops his knife onto the tracks.
“I want to go home, I gotta go home, I gotta go home,” he mumbles (according to that same “witness”).
I was going to ask “what kind of weirdo walks around with a steak knife,” but we all know the answer to that question. And his name is Geraldo.
The American Music Awards (not to be confused with the American Medical Association) happened last night. Adam Lambert fell down while he sang whatever horrible song he sang (something about “your entertainment”?). Jennifer Lopez fell down while she sang whatever horrible song she was singing (something about “my Louis Vuitton”?). And Michael Jackson won four awards: Favorite Male Artist – Pop/Rock, Favorite Male Artist – Soul/R&B, Favorite Album – Pop/Rock (Number Ones), Favorite Album – Soul/R&B (Number Ones).
Jermaine Jackson accepted two of the awards for his dead brother. Then he asked the audience if they were “going to finish that sandwich.”
Someone get this guy a copy of The Serpent and the Rainbow!
In 1983, Ron Houben, then 23, was in an accident that put him in what doctors determined was a vegetative state. They believed that he was unable to understand what was going on around him.
In 2006, new scans showed that Ron’s brain was functioning “almost completely normally” and, after some extensive therapy, Ron was able to communicate by using a computer. He says that he has been aware of everything around him since 1983.
“All that time, I just literally dreamed of a better life. Frustration is too small to describe what I felt.”
Welcome back, Ron.
Wouldn’t it be great if Joe Lieberman was renditioned to Saudi Arabia?
Vada Vasquez is doing “much better,” according to a neighbor of the Vasquez family. “She recognizes family now. She responds to them.”
Keep it up, Vada.
Zelita Mighty, the mother of Carvett Gentles (who has admitted to prosecutors that he shot Vada Vasquez) insists that her son (who she called “Zico” for some reason) is innocent. “He don’t have the heart. Zico can’t even hold that gun because Zico good.”
Zico not good, Zelita. Zico bad.
Scott Stapp, the walking punchline and former (current? did they reunite?) singer for the band Creed, is angry that the video tape of him and Kid Rock getting blowjobs from a groupie on a tour bus in 1999 is being called a sex tape, saying there is no “actual sex” on it.
“For it to be characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks.”
Realizing his poor choice of words he stammered, “I meant blows. That kind of blows.”
Then he had another drink.
Yet another reason to love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Take it away, Cindy Adams.
“Somewhere near the skeleton of a dinosaur stood a young kid who didn’t know me from borscht. I also didn’t know who the hell he was. Jimmy Fallon introducd him — Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the star who co-hosted SNL last week. Jimmy then told this creature who I was. Gordon-Levitt then looked about as excited as the dinosaur.”
1) He was the host, not the co-host.
2) He’s been working steadily in TV and film since 1988 (including 133 episodes of 3rd Rock from the Sun), so it’s curious that you don’t know who he is.
3) You are a dinosaur. Get in the box.
Will Julia Stiles play The Black Cat in Spider-Man 4? What a horrible idea!
Are they making an Independence Day 2? What an even horribler idea!
Remember Three Mile Island? Well, they found a radiation leak there on Saturday. But officials say they contained it and everything is OK. Nothing to worry about. Move along.
Mandrea!
Let’s start with some anti-Semitism, shall we? THESE ARE MAZEL TOUGH TIMES begins with a typo and ends with readers wondering why Peyser hates Jews. Here’s the mini-piece in its entirety:
“Thing [sic] are bad all over.
A kosher soup kitchen is set to open, unimaginably, in the middle of black-hatted Williamsburg to feed hundreds of newly hungry Jews.
In Scarsdale, a Jewish man laid off from a six-figure job is desperately seeking financial assistance before he loses his property. Maybe his family.
The recession has hit hard a community not normally associated with want. Jewish folk, some of whom live in five-bedroom houses, now face foreclosure, but they’re too proud or embarrassed to beg.
So — shhh! — The United Jewish Appeal has started Connect to Care, which already has given more than 8,000 needy Jews financial services, job help and mental-health counseling to get through unfamiliar territory.
Just don’t expect anyone to admit it.”
That’s right, Mandrea. Those sneaky Jews are trying to hide their poverty from everyone. Thank God we have you to tell us the truth.
The ‘last’ of Oprah is another head-scratcher. “Oprah Winfrey, who has sold more books, diet products and US presidents than any human, dead or alive, is set to give up her TV show. The planet heaves a collective sigh.
Who will replace her as queen?
A better question: Do we need another one?”
The planet heaves a collective sigh? What the fuck are you talking about? Are you drunk or stupid or both?
Mag goes off the Depp end begins, “If Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive, I’m swearing off men.” The male half of the planet heaves a collective sigh. Not that she had a shot anyway.
There’s a big piece about what a terrible parent Zelita Mighty is (stick that gun way down in that barrel of fish, Mandrea!) called Me-first parents’ kids are spawn to be wild (see what she did there?), but let’s close with Here’s the TRUTH, Maureen, which would be hilarious is Mandrea wasn’t serious.
“Here’s one story Maureen Dowd won’t report in the New York Times.
A groundbreaking study suggests that priests molest young boys at a rate no higher than that of the general population. That’s according to researchers at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, who were asked to address the myth of the Catholic Church as a garden of hedonism. Abuse has also declined dramatically since at least the 1980s, they found, as the church, perhaps belatedly, deals with it.”
So, priests — who claim to be closer to God than we mere mortals — are just as likely to rape your kids as any stranger on the street… and that’s a good thing? And “perhaps belatedly” is one of the most ridiculous things that ever came out of your man-mouth.
“What’s more, closeted gay priests are not the problem. The study, due next year, will show that boys have been more often victims only because they outnumber girls in the church.”
Right. Closeted gay priests aren’t the problem. Priests are the problem. And a church that will relocate child molesters to other parishes where they can molest more children. Because, you know, that’s God’s will.
“The research was funded partly by Catholic bishops, but the US Department of Justice threw in bucks, because it wants to know the truth. Which is more than I can say for some reporters.”
Oh, now the US Department of Justice is to be praised? Duly noted, ugly.
Alexis Mersentes, 72, the husband of Veronica Atkins (widow of Dr. Robert Atkins), also 72, is being accused of having an affair with Ildiko Varga (who actually looks a lot older than Veronica).
This explains why the Atkins diet my wife and I just started recommends that we cut out sugar and breads and eat the severed penis of Alexis Mersentes at least twice a day.
Gordon Cucullu writes FORT HOOD: TERROR’S ‘THIRD WAVE’ which begins, “The Fort Hood killings were no isolated incident, but part of al Qaeda’s ‘third wave.’” and ends with, “As this third wave strengthens, we should expect many more attacks — and rising discontent among Americans persuaded to sympathize with our enemies.”
I guess the only thing we can do to ensure our safety is kick all the A-rabs out of our country. ’specially the ones in our armed forces. Oh, and live in fear of the “many more attacks” that’ll happen any minute now.
Rich Lowry continues to insist that the health-care bill will go down in flames. He also said that it would never get out of the Senate and that Reid would never get 60 votes.
Never listen to Rich Lowry.
Dale McFeatters admonishes the POTUS in A’stan: Stop Whining and Decide Already.
Yeah! The last guy never thought about things like”options” or “consequences” — just fucking throw more Americans in the paths of Taliban bullets! Do it now! Stop dithering!
Putz.
The Knicks are now 3-10.
The Nets remain 0-13.
The Giants won in overtime (by the skin of their blue teeth) making them 6-4 (a game behind Dallas and tied with Philadelphia).
The Jets lost with plenty of time to spare making them 4-6.
New York needs baseball. Badly.
Enjoying V? Well, tomorrow night’s episode promises to be great.
And the following episode promises to air in March.
Linda Stasi can’t praise Find My Family enough. It’s a show where people ask television to reunite them with lost relatives.
“I just finished watching tonight’s premiere, and I’m here to tell you that I haven’t cried this much since Sully landed that airbus in the Hudson and we watched everone standing on the wings.”
Which is why she gave it three stars.
Michael Starr has an EXCLUSIVE about the final episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Good for you, Michael!
We got Motorola Droids.
Somehow, we managed to switch around our calling plan so that we’re paying the same each month as we always have, despite now owning phones that can do 1,000,000 things our old phones couldn’t.
For example, there’s a free app we downloaded that scans barcodes for you. Then it tells you what the item sells for at almost every store in your vacinity (and online). Then it tells you how to get to the store with the lowest price.
Highly recommended.
And on that note, I bid you all adieu as I play with my new toy.
One of the frightening vagrants who camp out on the benches across the street from our home (he’s the one who has screaming fights with himself every other day) can sometimes be found in front of the place where I get my Sunday paper, sitting on a milk crate. His face is generally frozen in a squinty smirk and his mustache is an assortment of colors (everything from dark beige to gray-white). For the last couple of weeks, he has decided to open the door for people entering and exiting the convenience store he camps out in front of.
Today I made the mistake of making eye contact as I mumbled “thanks.” His face is weathered and world-weary, but in a Muppetian way. He will snap one day, lashing out at the world and repeatedly hitting something or someone. And if I am the one he chooses, I will picture Statler and Waldorf watching my murder and complaining about how uninspired it is.
And I will try my darnedest to evoke Kermit with a “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” as I pass on.
Joanna P. DelBuono and Stanley P. Gershbein continue to spew vulgar opinions in the Park Slope Courier (he defends Glenn Beck and she rants incoherentlyabout the Obama administration holding the 9/11 trial in NYC ["Did they think about this at all while they were sitting in their fine leather chairs in their fine elected offices? I ask myself, what else do they have up their Brooks Brothers' sleeves?"], but the best thing in this week’s paper is a letter from Peter G. Orsi in Marine Park:
“The Yankee parade was incredible, the Yankees were incredible and so were the fans. Why on earth was Mariano Rivera waving a Panamanian flag? I’m sure he is proud of his heritage — and rightly so — but you’re in America, Mariano. This is the country you live in. This is the country you make you’re [sic] living in. This is the country you won the World Series in. You should have, at the very least, carried both the American and Panamanian flags. Error on you sir [sic].”
With the exception of John C. Reilly and William H. Macy, everyone who uses their middle initial is an idiot.
A QUICK RECAP OF THE DAY BEFORE TODAY
Obama’s approval below 50 percent informs us that Obama’s approval rating is at 49%. This makes Obama the POTUS with fourth-fastest drop to below 50%. Ford did it in three months, Clinton did it in four and Reagan did it just a few days sooner than Obama.
Did you hear that, Republicans? Obama is better than Reagan!
Black Dan Dunford (nee Dominic Carter) has been found guilty of attempted assault against his wife.
He faces up to… three months in prison.
What a bargain! I may choke my wife, too!
Teresa, I was kidding. Everyone else, I was serious, but don’t tell Teresa.
The Post reprinted (in its entirety) an email that Vadim Ponorovsky, owner of the Meatpacking District eatery Paradou, sent to his employees. I will now do the same. Forgive the author’s typos.
To All,
Please read this email carefully. This is the last time we will be discussing this.
This weekend, saturday and sunday we had 451 customers. Guess how many emails we collected? 60? 80? 40? No. None of those. We, or more acurately you, collected 2 emails. Thats less than half of one percent. 2 fucking emails.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!?!?! How many times do we have to tell you how important it is that you collect emails. Everytime we have a slow night and you make no money and you sit there bitching about how you make no money, remember its because youre fucking lazy motherfuckers. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY!!!!! ALL OF YOU, INCLUDING THE HOSTS!!!!
Let me guess, youre probably sitting there saying “Vadim is such a fucking asshole. How dare he speak to me like this. I dont need this.” Youre right, you dont, so why dont you get the fuck out. Any and all of you.
Youre probably sitting there saying “How dare he speak to me like this. How dare he not have respect for me”. Youre right there also. I have absolutely no respect for any of you. Why? Because every fucking day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex. So if you dont respect us enough to do the little that we ask you to do, then GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!!!!!
Effective immediately, any server or host who fails to collect at least 20 emails per week, will be fined $100. Anyone failing to collect at least 20 emails for two weeks in a month will be fired immediately. No matter what. No matter who you are.
You dont want to do your job, you dont want to do what we ask, you dont belong at Paradou. Go find another place to work.
How dare you disrespect Alex and me this way. How dare you completely ignore what we ask of you time after time after time.
I am sick of all this shit, you bunch of fucking children. This is what I have to deal with at 6AM?!?!? I wouldn’t tolerate this from my 13 year old, and Im sure as shit not going to tolerate it from any of you assholes.
You give no respect, you get 10 times back.
If you eat at Paradou, tip your waiter. A lot.
The Catholic Church has come out against Harry Reid’s health-care bill, because they think it isn’t anti-abortion enough.
Hey, I have an idea! Either you honor the separation between church and state (and shut up), or you pay taxes on the trillions you hoodwink from rubes.
Deal?
In other ridiculous health-care reform news, “doctors” claim that an added tax on plastic surgery is “sexist.”
The Post doesn’t actually name any actual doctors who believe this, but the headline is ‘Botax’ is sexist: docs, so it must be true. And ridiculous.
Ashley Dennis, stepdaughter of Governor Paterson, was supposed to host a party (since cancelled) at the governor’s mansion’s pool house (according to an announcement her friend posted on Facebook). The “Night of Mayhem” at “FDR’s Polio Poolhouse” was advertised as having “yummy Jell-O shots” and “some beers.”
“[It] will be tons of fun…. So let’s just have a good time and dance in FDR’s honor. The New Deal was AWESOME!”
If David Paterson cured AIDS and cancer, ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and reversed global warming, he would still lose the upcoming election by at least 20 points.
This is the wrong time for a person with this name to commit a crime.
Mohammed Hassan, 16, is accused of starting nine fires at his high school (Stuyvesant) over the past week.
Even though no one was hurt in any of the fires, he faces up to seven years in prison (versus three months for assaulting your wife).
Several hundred employees of Goldman Sachs will be serving turkey for the Salvation Army next week, as a sort of mea culpa for being one of the major reasons millions of Americans are financially fucked.
Then they will return to their mansions and laugh about how smelly everyone was.
Officer Dustin Bradshaw has been suspended with pay for not having a video camera attached to his Taser.
Why is the Ozark, Arkansas cop being reprimanded? Because he answered a 911 call where a woman claimed that her 10-year-old refused to take a shower. The woman said the girl had become violent. The woman suggested that Bradshaw use his Taser.
So he did.
I wonder what you have to do in Ozark to get suspended without pay.
Vada Vasquez is breathing on her own, so the ventilator has been removed. She remains unconscious and in critical but stable condition, but this is good news.
Clivie Smith, one of the “men” accused of the crime that put her there, complained that being at Rikers Island was “like having the worst migraine you could have.” Is it worse than being shot in the head, Clivie?
Proving his love of Maury, Clivie went on to say, “I didn’t do it. I’m 100 percent innocent. No, I’m 1,000 percent innocent.”
Clivie… you are the co-conspirator!
Levi Johnston’s mother (Sherry) was sentenced to three years in prison after pleading guilty to one count of possession with intent to distribute OxyContin.
That means that Tripp Palin can be ashamed of both of his grandmothers!
Why are so many 911 calls being fudged? Because of the Unified Call Taking system. Since May, callers are connected to 911 operators — without the opportunity to speak to fire dispatchers, who are better equipped to take those calls.
But now that a bunch of people are dead, “FDNY dispatchers will now be allowed to listen in on fire calls and ‘ask additional questions of the caller if necessary.’”
Uh… why don’t you just let FDNY dispatchers take fire calls? Why do they have to supervise idiots?
No Justice, no peace.
I have never heard of Justin Bieber (I blame my pubic hair), but apparently he’s the next teen heartthrob. He was scheduled to sign copies of his new CD at Justice, a clothing store in a Long Island mall (Roosevelt Field in Garden City). They expected 1,000 people to show up. 3,000 did.
When police saw the crowd, they tried to shut down the event, but the management team behind the event refused. They even Twatted the fans that they should hang in there because Bieber was due any minute. One of Bieber’s entourage (James Roppo, 44, senior vice president of Island Def Jam Records) was arrested and charged with endangering the welfare of a child, obstructing governmental administration, reckless endangerment and criminal nuisance.
Long Island is a scary place.
Joseph Ross, 34, also didn’t do what the police asked him to.
He was jaywalking in Queens when police stopped him and tried to issue him a ticket.
“I’m John Doe and I don’t remember my birth date!” he proclaimed. The cops told him that providing false information is a crime, but he insisted that his name was John Doe. After “a brief struggle,” they took him into custody. His fingerprints revealed his true ID and he now has a lot more to deal with than a jaywalking ticket.
In a mock retrial (done to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the Massachusetts Superior Court), Lizzie Borden was acquitted of hacking her parents to death. The famous rhyme has been changed accordingly. Please memorize the new version:
Lizzie Borden took a nap
And gave her mom a pretty map.
When she saw what she had done,
She cooked her dad a hot-cross bun.
Alyssa Bustamante, 15, of Missouri, made YouTube videos wherein she said her hobbies included “killing people.”
On October 21st, she killed her 9-year-old neighbor, telling police that she “wanted to know what it felt like.”
She faces life in prison without the possibility of parole.
Good. I want her to know what that feels like.
A lot of folks wrote to the Post to kvetch about how Obama is risking our lives with the 9/11 trial. Yawn.
B.T. Quinn of North Topsail Beach, North Carolina, worries, “It only takes one juror to allow [KSM] to start looking for a house in our neighborhoods. I don’t like the odds.”
1) New Yorkers are smarter than you apparently think.
2) No one, especially Muslim terrorists, want to live in North Topsail Beach, North Carolina.
And Bret Wallach of Hicksville [insert joke here] complains, “They walk, and America suffers. Thank you, President Obama, for putting America at risk.”
But Ismael Vasquez of the Bronx gets it right. “Fear is not an excuse to give up on your values or way of life. These terrorists, through their actions, imposed their hate on us. We should not cower; it only shows these monsters that they won. Most importantly, don;t politicize a matter that should show our unity as a nation. Remember, Republicans and Democrats united with President George W. Bush after 9/11. Let’s do the same with Obama.”
Thank you, Ismael.
I just realized that Michelle Malkin’s hate speeches run on Saturdays, the day with the lowest number of readers. Ha!
Did you buy a Barnes & Noble electronic book reader (“the Nook”) as a Christmas gift?
Well, you won’t get one until January 4th at the earliest.
Next time? Buy a book.
Twitter values their stock at $20 a share? r u fkn kdng me?
The Knicks (who just won another game, making them 3-9!) have passed on Allen Iverson.
The Nets (who just played the Knicks, making them 0-13!) are awful.
Chance King, Larry King’s 10-year-old son (eyew!) will get his own baseball show (Kid Pitch) on Fox Sports Net. He will be joined by Larry King’s 9-year-old son (eyew!!), Cannon. Tom Arnold is slated to act as the show’s director. It will feature kids talking about Little League.
What a terrific idea.
TODAY
Geraldo Sanchez asked a man to move his bag from a seat on a D train Saturday at 2:00 a.m. The man refused. Curses were exchanged. The man punched Geraldo in the face. Geraldo pulled out a steak knife and stabbed the man in his jugular vein and hand. The man died.
The emergency cord was pulled and the train operator was notified as to what happened. He pulled into the next station and kept the doors closed long enough for police to apprehend Sanchez.
Never a dull moment in the subway system.
Oh, boy.
Germany is now saying that the evidence they gathered on Khalid Sheik Mohammed and his henchmen was given to the US on the condition that it not be used to seek the death penalty (Germany doesn’t believe in the death penalty). They also say that they’ll be sending “observers” to the trial to make sure that the US makes good on that promise.
As if there weren’t enough Americans trying to fuck up this trial, now we have to worry about Germany?
Twilight grossed $72,000,000 on Friday. The previous record was $67,000,000 which The Dark Knight grossed for its opening.
Gross.
Israel carried out an airstrike against targets in the Gaza Strip yesterday. They say it was retaliation for a rocket launched from the Gaza Strip.
The day before, Hamas claimed to have struck a deal with “smaller terrorist groups” to stop firing rockets at Israel.
Someone is totally lying.
We got the 60 votes. No Republican filibuster. What do you say about that, Kit Bond (R-Mo.)?
“Move over, Bernie Madoff. Tip your hat to a trillion-dollar scam.”
I wonder who paid him to say that.
Michael Goodwin on Attorney General Eric Holder: “He also suggests Osama bin Laden would get his Miranda rights if he is captured. I’m not scared. I’m terrified — of Holder’s fetish for extending constitutional protections to terrorists who slaughtered thousands of Americans.”
Michael Goodwin on the journalism standards of the Washington Post: “They died last week, a victim of Palin Derangement Syndrome.”
Michael Godwin on Obama bowing in Japan: “Respectful would be enough. Bowing signifies something else entirely.”
Me on Michael Goodwin: “You’re an idiot.”
Page Six (today on page 14) spelled Seth Meyers’ name wrong, but spelled Jason Sudeikis’ right.
CBS is currently in talks with the person they think just might be able to fill the void left by Oprah’s 2011 departure: Gayle King.
They’ve obviously forgotten about The Gayle King Show, which was cancelled after less than 4 months (September 8, 1997 – January 1, 1998). I found that out on tv.com which also notes: “The Gayle King Show ranks 19,517 out of the 18,437 shows on TV.com.”
The Post asks folks who bought Sarah Palin’s “book” why they did so.
“The liberal media made a big deal that she said she could see Russia from her house. I can see New Jersey from my house. Big deal. What’s wrong with that?” — Gus Angelo, 80, retired veteran and current moron.
“I bought one for myself and one for my best friend because she doesn’t like Palin and this could help change her mind. Palin is big on our most important amendment, the Second Amendment, which makes this country the freest it could ever be.” — Angel Vasquez, 42, photographer and moron.
“I’m thinking about buying it. She’s interesting. If I do get it, I’ll read it all the way through, I’m sure. I don’t know if she’s intelligent enough for higher office. But I still like her pro-capitalism policies better than Obama’s socialism and big government.” — John Magnotti of Staten Island, who isn’t intelligent enough to understand why what he said is hilarious.
Page 26 is a full-page ad for Washington Memorial Park. It claims that veterans can send away for a Certificate of Entitlement for a complimentary burial plot. It also says that NYS law requires that they charge “a one time Permanent Care Trust Contribution of $100.00.”
“For those veterans who find the thought of Burial in the Earth disturbing, Washington Memorial Park offers Veterans above Ground Mausoleum space at a $1,000.00 Discount. There are no above ground Mausoleums in Veterans Cemeteries.”
Weird capitalizations aside, I find this ad to be incredibly creepy.
Especially since page 27 is about why why should be leaving Afghanistan sooner rather than later, and features a large photo of American soldiers being ambushed there.
The latest flap of faux outrage? Obama said to US soldiers in South Korea, “You guys make a pretty good photo op.”
How dare he, right? I mean… the last guy never misspoke or made a joke, right?
Melissa Lafsky writes Little girls going straight to heel about “How Hollywood continues to oversexualize young women” and which has a photo of Suri Cruise in heels from yesterday (she was shown wearing them in the Post from a few days ago, as well).
However, in Katie Holmes’ defense, the heels sexualize Suri but being around Tom Cruise balances it out.
Kyle Smith gives us RAKED ALASKA which somehow manages to chastise “Hate-drunk Democrats” and “Liberals in the media” for their “heinous personal attacks” and “dress[ing] up quibbles and debating as ‘fact-checking’” while simultaneously referring to Sarah Palin as, “a woman whose chances of being the next president are about the same as Nancy Pelosi’s.”
“Philosophically she’s the daughter of Ronald Reagan. But she also has big liabilities, too many to make her a real candidate for president in 2012. Ditching Alaska proved that she was what her enemies (Democrats, the press, the McCain staff) said she was: a flake. Getting outwitted by that intellectual grandmaster Katie Couric was embarrassing, but it wasn’t unforgivable. Taking an incomplete on your first major office in politics is unforgivable.”
“Assuming she intends to run in three years (and I do — otherwise why is there a SarahPAC ad on the conservative sites?), it’s as if she quit the Wiffle Ball circuit and started dropping hints that she was ready to play for the Yankees.”
Kyle also (with nary a drop of irony) quotes former Bush aide Peter Wehner as saying, “She doesn’t seem able to articulate the case for conservatism in a manner that is compelling or even particularly persuasive.”
And yet, the media should be ashamed of themselves for trying to let America in on what Kyle seems to have finally grasped.
So, the stimulus package has been showing some pretty great results, right?
Not according to the editorial A $787 Billion Waste.
Was the Post this angry when billions literally disappeared in Iraq?
Al Roker has (co-)written his first novel. You can find The Morning Show Murders wherever books are thrown away.
Leslie Caron claims her former boyfriend Warren Beatty once woke her up at 5:00 a.m. and shouted, “You’re sleeping. You’re not thinking of me.”
Carol Channing looks good for her age.
Oh, wait. She’s only 88?
Never mind.
Page 53 has a photo of Gerard Butler laughing and holding a plant wrapped in a towel over a hotel balcony.
Too soon, Gerry.
V.A. Musetto discusses vampire movies today. In addition to referring to actress Lili Taylor as “Lily Taylor,” he warns us that he’s taking next week off to go to the Filmex festival in Tokyo, where he is almost guaranteed to see Asian breasts.
And now we’re off to Westchester to visit the family and get new phones. Will we spring for the Droid?
Stay tuned! And enjoy what remains of the weekend!
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