Archive for November 1st, 2009

Sunday Candy Sunday (b’also, NYY 2, PHI 1)

1st November
2009
written by jed

Not a lot of kids showed up last night, wich means that all of the candy that I hid in the silverware drawer is now officially mine.

The Yankees beat the Phillies 8-5. The game was phenomenal (I chose to watch it on MLB’s Gameday, as opposed to listening to John Sterling slur his cliches and “It is high!” fakeouts — and after reading about A-Rod’s base hit that was reviewed and changed to a home run, I might have beaten my radio to death after Sterling asked me “how do you like that?” for the eighth time, so… good call, Jed).

Philadelphia (how come no one calls them “The Fillies”? Isn’t that a common term for sexy ladies [co-opted from the actual definition of a "young female horse, not yet a mare"]? Why does the Post insist on calling them “The Frillies”? Why do people seem to insist on calling athletes they don’t like homosexuals? Jeter isn’t gay [sadly] and neither is A-Rod. Or Chase Utley. Or David Ortiz. Or Mike Lowell [despite his shaving a bulls-eye around his mouth]. Or Dice-K, even though it rhymes. Calling them “Fillies” would imply femininity, true, but not derogatorily — I’ve never heard “filly” used as an insult. And if not “Fillies” then my vote is for “Phaggot-Phisters of Philadelphia”) scored three runs in the 2nd (3-0), we scored 2 in the 4th (3-2), 2 in the 5th (5-3) and 1 in the 6th (6-3) before they answered back with a run in the 6th (6-4). We scored a run in the 7th (7-4) and the 8th (8-4) so that, when Phil Hughes took the mound and gave up a solo home run to Ruiz in the 9th (Hughes’ ERA is now… 81.00), Mariano could come in and save Pettitte’s 17th postseason win (he retired the two batters he faced), finalizing the 8-5 score.

How would the Post’s front page characterize this game in which the Yankees took the lead in the 5th inning, but never to such an extent that the Phillies didn’t have a solid chance of coming back? A photo of Nick Swisher on top of the Phils’ catcher after sliding into home plate and the headline:

CRUSHED!

Bombers roll over pitiful Frillies

Really? We rolled over them? I think if Mariano has to come in and save the game, then it probably wasn’t enough of a blowout to justify that kind of headline. But then, since when does the Post feel the need to justify any of the horrible things they do. And I’m a Yankees fan, so if they want to blow smoke up their asses, I’m cool with that. Just strikes me as silly. As does…

… the power of Sarah Palin.

She backs the Conservative Party’s Doug Hoffman for upstate New York’s 23rd District’s Congressional seat (which should hold a lot of water, since she was the mayor of Alaska’s biggest meth problem before being elected — and quitting — that “state’s” governorship and then “writing” a “book” about how great she “is”).

This is the woman who the GOP asked to fill the VP slot on their ticket a couple of years ago. And her backing of Hoffman has caused the GOP candidate (Dede Scozzafava) to drop out of the race. This should guarantee Hoffman the election (that district has sent a Republican to Congress for over a century, so the Democratic nominee’s hopes were never that high). But for Palin (current frontrunner for the GOP’s nomination in the 2012 election) to openly oppose the ticket she was set up to be second in command of less than a year later? That’s just plain silly.

You betcha.

(winks, fancy pagaent walks)

Teresa, add Jamaica to the list.

Last week, they inducted Charlie Rangel into the Order of Jamaica — their highest distinction (it’s the equivalent of a knighthood). Other recipients of the award include Fidel Castro, Terry Rawlings and Robert Mugabe.

Congratulations, Charlie. Maybe you can move there once you’re voted out of office.

(crosses fingers)

Brian Schroeder, 26 (originally from Texas and a graduate of Duke University), has surrendered to police and confessed to setting fire to a chapel on the East Side — where the remains of 9/11 victims are housed.

Brian says he did it “as part of a drunken dare.” He moved here recently “to accept a position at a law firm.”

Yeah. “The defendant.”

Take a bow, Brian! You’re a complete moron!

Columbia University is planning on making their entire campus (even the outdoor sections!) smoke-free.

I smell a sit-in! And it smells like tobacco!

Giuseppe Cipriani fled the country a year ago, after pleading guilty to filing false tax returns. If he ever returns, he faces arrest and deportation.

Ironically, he was never convicted (let alone charged!) for selling a bowl of soup for $16.00.

I think God is trying to tell The Bainbridge Bakery something.

They burned down in April. Spent months rebuilding. They were told that they couldn’t get fire insurance until the store had officially opened, which was supposed to happen tomorrow morning.

But early yesterday morning, they (and 13 other businesses in the Bedford Park area) were completely gutted by a five-alarm fire

I’m thinking “bakery” might not be what God wants you to do, guys.

Just sayin’.

How did you let this one get away, Al?

The Fat Reverend Al Shapton’s ex-wife (Kathy Jordan, 53) and her daughter (Dominique Sharpton, 23) were driving behind an unmarked NYPD cruiser. They decided it was driving too slow. Dominique (who was behind the wheel) honked the horn and tailgated the cops. Then she decided to drive across a double yellow line to get around the cruiser. Then she ran a red light.

The cops pulled the women over and (look how close that apple is the tree it fell from!) they both became “belligerent and argumentative.” They were handcuffed and taken downtown. Dominique was charged with “resisting arrest and issued summonses for crossing the double yellow line and running the red light.” Kathy was charged with “resisting arrest and obstructing governmental administration.”

Dominique also reportedly pulled the old “do you know who my father is?” chestnut at the stationhouse (Dom? I don’t think your connection to Fat Al will endear you to any member of the NYPD).

I can already hear Al’s press conference… “Double yellow line? Red light? The only color this case has anything to do with is the color of their skin!”

Michael Goodwin can be monumentally insulting (today’s page includes a hilariously disingenuous piece on PATERSON’S LOOPY PERSECUTION COMPLEX), but he can also be genuine and caring (which is also, in it’s own way, hilarious).

With respect to NY1’s troubled host

“Dominic Carter and his family are going through their private hell in public, a fate not to be wished on anyone with children. My few dealings with the NY1 political host have been friendly, and his TV performances have been marked by professionalism and respect for all comers. Here’s wishing peace for everyone in that troubled household.”

Which I’m pretty sure is exactly what he said about David Letterman, who is also a parent.

Right, Mike? Mike? That’s weird. He was just here a minute ago.

Michael Lohan made a comment that he wants to kidnap his daughter Lindsay and take her back to rehab. So Lindsay is filing for a restraining order against him. Michael also announced that he would go on TV to play messages from his answering machine that Dina Lohan left (regarding Lindsay), so Dina told Page Six (today on page 12) that “He’s getting a cease-and-desist letter [from us], so that’s not going to happen. If it’s something personal about your child, you don’t go public with it.”

You hear that, Kim Basinger?

Oh, this makes me smile.

Michelle Obama was at the World Series opener at Yankee Stadium.

She got 9iu11ani’s seats.

Suck it, Lispy.

In all seriousness, I cannot understand Cindy Adams’ column today. It has something to do with doctors. Part of it is written like a play. All of it is written by a crazy woman being chased by Death for passing her natural expiration date.

Get in the box, Cindy.

An Indian man (Vaibhav Bedi, 26) is suing Axe for just under $43,000. Why?

Because for seven years he’s been using their body washes and shampoos and anti-perspirants and hair gels… and he still hasn’t gotten laid. And he claims that that has caused him irreparable psychological damage.

Wait until he realizes that his case will be thrown out but that millions of people will now know who he is (and that he’s a 26-year-old virgin that smells like New Jersey).

Tonie Derezeas, 74, alleges that while walking her shit, Sue Apollo (sorry, Shih Tzu, Apollo), on September 3rd, she was knocked over and trampled by 70 members of the New York Road Runners Club, breaking her jaw in two places.

She further claims that immediately after the incident, members of the group walked her to the curb, put $10 in her hand and put her in a taxi cab before running away.

The Road Runners Club denied that any “official event” took place on September 3rd, but Derezeas told police that she was positive that she heard them repeatedly saying “meep meep.”

When Detective Kevin Spellman hit Drana Nikae (guess the Post got her name wrong the last few times… or is this version the typo?), it was 6:37 a.m. An hour and a half later, he refused to take a Breathalyzer at the scene and was arrested. He was taken downtown and asked again to take a Breathalyzer at 9:47 a.m. and refused. Sources say that the investigators had to observe Spellman for another 30 minutes before being able to ask him to take the test again (and he again refused when they did). Three minutes after his third refusal, he was driven to a hospital. At 11:45, the cops got a search warrant that allowed them to draw Spellman’s blood.

And now you know how to save yourself from incriminating your drunk ass. Just keep refusing that breath test, folks! Just like New York’s Finest do!

Scientists at UC Berkeley have announced that they can now read minds — by scanning brain activity and reproducing images of people’s thoughts and/or memories.

They successfully converted what a subject watched or recalled into “crude video footage.” They believe that this will eventually allow police to ID criminals through witnesses’ memories and possibly even record dreams.

When I asked one of the scientists if it was possible that they were all just high and that none of this was real, he hung up on me.

Dominic Carter (BDD) was on a plane with his wife to go to Kansas City (“just to chill, to relax and get away from it all”) when he bent over to tie his shoe and bumped into a flight attendant when he stood back up. The flight attendant freaked out and started to demand that Carter be forced off the flight. He even called the police. When cops arrived, BDD heard a supervisor say that it would take an hour to replace the flight attendant, so BDD volunteered to get off the plane and catch the next one.

The Post’s source for this story? BDD’s aunt. Who wasn’t there.

What a terrific newspaper.

Just when I think America has become Japan, Japan reminds me that we have a ways to go before we’re that fucked up.

The Nintendo DS has a new game: Love Plus. The basic premise? Tamagotchi but with a high-school-aged girlfriend instead of a pet. The first part of the game is trying to get one of the three girls to fall in love with you. Once you do, the second part begins — and it never ends! For the rest of your life, you’ll “continue on dating, talking on the phone (through a microphone), sending e-mails and even smooching, which is done by touching the screen.”

Japanese wives are complaining that their husbands are spending too much time with their new hand-held e-girlfriends.

Thanks again for the American morale boost, Japan.

Kyle Smith reviews the new book Ayn Rand and the World She Made by Anne C. Heller.

“When [Rand] was 58 and [her lover] 33, the affair was dead. She combined the shape of SpongeBob with the beauty of Nurse Ratched. She bathed infrequently.”

It’s like a novelization of Cougar Town!

“Shadowboxer wasn’t critically well-reviewed, so I think actors were afraid of me.”

That’s Lee Daniels on his difficulties in casting for Precious.

I’m just always happy to see Shadowboxer mentioned anywhere for any reason.

Game 4 is tonight at 8:20 (unless it rains again). Sabathia is scheduled to start for the Yankees and (snicker) Blanton (tee-hee) is scheduled to (guffaw) start for the (snort) Phillies.

All of a sudden my prediction of Yankees in 6 is starting to seem unnecessarily cautious.

Mike Vaccaro (who is a sports section writer and not a TV section writer offers, “Mad Men is as good as it’s ever been, and last week’s episode was about as good as it’s ever gotten. Sublime TV.”

Michael Starr could not be reached for contrarian comment.

Yesterday afternoon, Nick Swisher wrote on his Twitter account, “2 great teams going at it in the World Series! Let’s go, Yankees!”

Later that day, he hit a double and a home run.

Re-tweet, Nick! RE-TWEET!

In 2008, Cole Hamels was the World Series MVP for Philadelphia.

Last night, he entered the game with a postseason ERA of 6.75 (in 3 starts). He exited the game with an ERA of 10.38.

Joe Blanton has an ERA of 5.22 since September 1st and he gave up 30 home runs this season (the 4th-most of any pitcher)

Somewhere, Nelson Muntz is haw-hawing.

Kevin Kernan begins his column “never [sic] forget that Alex Rodriguez loves being the centaur of attention.”

I see what you did there, Kevin.

In the second inning, Pettitte walked in a run. But he hit an RBI single in the 5th inning and would later cross home plate himself, so it all balanced out in Andy’s favor.

Mike Vaccaro says, “Alex Rodriguez was the first player to have a home run reviewed by replay last year in Tampa, and last night he was the first to ever have one reviewed in the World Series. Not surprising. He is pretty self-centaured.”

I see what you did there, Kevin.

Also interesting: Both times the result was a home run for A-Rod.

Another weekend brunch means another batch of duck breast bacon digested in my guttyworks. Time to wade through another epicurean feast.

I hope to catch 1 or both of Dog Court’s shows tonight at The Creek in Long Island City. One’s at 6:00, one’s at 8:00 and both are free. Plus, Dog Court’s funny.

And on that note, I am off to enjoy the remainder of my weekend.

Kisses!

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