According to the front page, the Yankees “whacked the Phillies” last night (final score 7-4, though 3 of our runs came in the 9th, so it was another nail-biter) and they’ll try to win the 2009 World Series tonight by sweeping Philadelphia at home.

If the Yankees win tonight, I believe the Phillies Phans will burn Citizens Bank Park to the ground.

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Maine legalized gay marriage this year. Tomorrow, voters in Maine will decide whether or not to uphold that ruling or to ban gay marriage.

Charles “If I Used My Brain, My Head Would” Hurt insists that this referendum has less to do with gay marriage and more to do with the fact that “Maine voters — like those around the country — are simply sick and tired of their governments, from Washington, DC, to Augusta, Maine, deciding what’s best for the public without regard for public opinion.”

He also says that if gay marriage “falls” in Maine, that Obama “should brace for a lot more tea parties.”

OK, but then, if the people of Maine (regardless of how homophobes feel in other parts of this country) decide that homosexuals deserve to maintain their right to get married, will FOX stop throwing those tea parties?

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Mazel Tov!

Mel Gibson’s fiancee, Oksana Grigorieva (who also has a son fathered by Timothy Dalton), has given birth to a baby girl. Gibson has seven other children with his wife of 29 years (who filed for divorce in April after learning of Oksana), and hates Jews.

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OMG! Did Doug Reinhardt try to choke his girlfriend?

(notices readers’ disinterested shrugs)

His girlfriend… Paris Hilton?

(notices readers’ disinterested shrugs)

Yeah, I don’t care either. Moving right along…

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Dede Scozzafava has asked her supporters to vote for her (former) Democratic opponent. “To address the tough challenges ahead,” she explained, “we must rise above partisanship.”

Which proves that she was, in fact, a RINO.

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Someone called into KISS-FM yesterday morning to chat with Bill Thompson.

During the caller’s comments, he mentioned that he thought that Mike Bloomberg was “divisional” [sic] and that he “doesn’t have all the people’s worth at hand. He just think [sic] about helping the rich, the rich contractors and the Jewish people of his persuasion.”

Thompson’s response?

None.

Thompson’s chances of being the Mayor of New York City?

None.

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Dominique Sharpton has ordered her father to stay out of her (and her mother’s) current legal troubles with the police (which is adorable when you consider that she tried using his name to scare the cops when she was arrested). She says that she “wants to show that there is a younger generation that can handle leadership.”

If not traffic laws.

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Number one movie this weekend? That Michael Jackson thing.

But to really hammer home how pathetic we are, let’s look at the top 5: This Is Shit made $21,300,000. Normal Activity made $16,500,000. Yawn Inducing Citizen made $7,300,000. (This Movie Can Be Boiled Down To A) Couple of Tweets made $6,100,000. You Saw This Already VI made $5,600,000.

Hope you’re proud of yourselves, America.

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Elton John is in the hospital with a E. coli infection.

[insert joke about fondling meat... here]

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Brian Schroeder (who the Post now claims is a Harvard Law School graduate!) claims that he had no idea he was burning down a site honoring 9/11 victims and that someone must have been drugged his drink that night.

Fun fact: To start the fire, Brian collected as many of the teddy bears left thereby the victims’ families as he could.

Harvard has totes dropped its standards. Mos def.

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Gore Vidal needs to get in the box.

He spoke to The Atlantic about the 13-year-old girl who Roman Polanski raped and sodomized years ago.

“Look, am I going to sit and weep every time a young hooker feels as though she’s been taken advantage of?” He went on to describe Polanski’s current incarceration in Switzerland as “an anti-Semitic and anti-fag thing.”

The only fag I’m anti is Gore Vidal.

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Cindy Adams — in November of 2009 — has made a remarkably timely discovery.

“Being sent around is something that comes from something called engrish.com. The actual signs that are found in the country that owns all our money. Like: ‘China is the place to be for English teachers.’”

1) The site has been around since 1996.

2) The site features signs, yes, b’also clothing, food packaging, video games, menus… pretty much anything with words on it.

3) Somehow, Cindy managed to find an example that isn’t at all unintentionally (or intentionally) funny. That’s because Cindy is…

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Peter Kauffmann, Governor Paterson’s official spokesperson (and what a rewarding job that must be!), claimed that the 5 free tickets his client got to Game 1 of the World Series were offered to him (unsolicited) by Yankees President Randy Levine.

“He’s a liar. I never talked to [Paterson],” responded Levine.

Paterson and Thompson should start making plans for all their impending free time.

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I’m loving this.

Four teenagers in American Forks, Utah have been charged with disorderly conduct.

They were in a McDonald’s drive-thru and decided to “rap” their order (just like the teenagers in that hilarious YouTube video that begins “I need a double cheeseburger and hold the lettuce” — even though McDonald’s double cheeseburgers only come with ketchup, pickles and onions). The clerk claimed to not “understand rap” and called police, telling them that the teens were holding up the line.

Bah-dah-bop-bah-bah, you’re idiots.

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A-Rod was hit by a pitch twice in Game 3. He (and Teixeira) were hit by a pitch last night.

At least the Phillies can lose with class.

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Mariano earned his 11th save of a World Series game last night. His cumulative postseason ERA is 0.75.

David Wells credits Kate Hudson with A-Rod’s recent heroics.

Yesterday, Derek Jeter was awarded the Hank Aaron Award for the American League (it goes to the best hitter).

Umpires continue to drive me insane (Howard never touched home plate!).

Jimmy Rollins predicted (on The Jay Leno Show!) that the Phillies would win the World Series in 5 games (6 if they decided to be “nice” to the Yankees). Which explains why the Post gave him the headline NOSTRA-DUMB-US.

As for last year’s WS MVP, Cole Hamels, he told reporters (after his poor showing in Game 3) that he “can’t wait for [the season] to end.” That’s the spirit!

Joel Sherman points out that the Yankees are now 27 outs away from their 27th World Series Championship (of course, they also need to score at least 1 run more than the Phillies tonight for those 27 outs to mean anything).

Johnny Damon hit a single in the 9th inning last night. Then he stole second. As he was stealing second, he noticed that the Phillies had no one covering third. So he stole that, too. He may have just earned a 1-year contract.

Mike Vaccaro believes that this is Hideki Matsui’s last year as a Yankee (the odds just improved, then, for Damon’s return… maybe).

Game 5 tonight. So excited. As much as I’d love for the Yankees to win their 4th game at their home in the Bronx, I’m fine with them sweeping the Phillies at their home in Hell.

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Harvard University will be offering a class on The Wire (Duke University and Middlebury College have offered one in the past). This makes sense, because in today’s job market, Harvard graduates should mos def learn how to sling rocks.

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A&E has signed David Hasselhoff (and his teenage daughters!) to a “docu-reality” show.

Not sure if that falls under the “A” (arts) or the “E” (eyew).

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Yes, it’s Monday. But try to have a good day regardless.