ELECTION RESULTS!

** Bloomberg remains our mayor for a third term, which isn’t at all surprising. That he won 51% of the vote to Thompson’s 46% is surprising (though these remain “unofficial estimates”). That means that Mayor Mike spent roughly $2,000,000 for each percentage point (which is roughly 10,000 votes, or $200 per vote). I wish he had pledged to match his campaign funds with a charitable donation, but whatevs.

** 72% of the (voters in the) town of Breckenridge, Colorado have voted to legalize marijuana.

** Maine has repealed their state law allowing homosexuals to get married (53% opposed it).

** Kalamazoo, Michigan voted to add “sexual orientation and gender identity” to ordinance 1856 (an anti-discrimination law).

** Chapel Hill, North Carolina elected an openly gay mayor.

** Virginia and New Jersey elected Republican governors.

** And if, as Fox claims, the GOP’s victories were America’s way of telling Obama that they hate him and his terrible policies (polling indicates that this is in no way true), then Doug Hoffman’s surprise loss in upstate New York must therefore be America’s way of telling Sarah Palin to shut her idiot mouth and disappear into obscurity.

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Before we get to the Post (shudder), I found this on The Huffington Post and thought it was worth sharing.

MAN STABS HIMSELF SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO WORK AT BLOCKBUSTER is everything you’d expect from The Onion, except it isn’t a joke. Oh, it’s hilarious, true, but it actually happened.

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How much of a sure thing was Bloomberg’s re-election? So much so that today’s front page has no mention of last night’s results. Instead, Pedro Martinez’s head has been super-imposed onto a baby’s body with the accompanying headline SPANK HIM, YANKS and the sub-head Daddy to whup Pedro tonight.

Extraordinary. Apparently, the Post has seen into the future and has decreed that Pedro will, in fact, lose tonight. I should probably put some money on the game, then.

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“The Hottest Ticket in Political History” will take place on February 25tth at Radio City Music Hall.

That’s the night that two former PsOTUS will face off in a debate — Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.

I wonder who’ll win.

No, actually, I wonder how many people will be escorted out of the venue for booing Bush.

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Ah, page 4 is where the election coverage starts. In the 5 Reasons why the mayoral race was so tight sidebar, reason #2 is “Despite being an Independent, he also ran on the Republican line. Tough for any candidate in this is overwhelmingly Democratic town.” Bizarro couldn’t have said it better himself.

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And here’s Charles Hurt with ‘Messiah’ prez hardly looks like a savior just 1 year later. Chuck joins the Limbaughs of the world in insisting that Obama is the #1 reason for any and all Democratic losses (though he doesn’t credit Obama with Bill Owens’ defeat of Doug Hoffman, oddly enough).

Hilariously, Bob Lewis has a piece on the opposite page (Republican romp in Virginia a ‘red’ flag for Bam) in which he states, “The race has been closely watched as a political referendum on Obama and his policies. Obama was the first Democrat in 44 years to carry Virginia in a presidential race. Virginia voters were split on Obama’s job performance, exit polls showed. While many said the president was not a factor in their votes for governor, about a quarter said their vote for McDonnell was also a rejection of Obama.”

So “about” 25% of the people who voted for McDonnell (which was roughly 59% of the people who voted) voted as a rejection of Obama? Which means that the other 75% (plus all the folks who voted for Deeds) have no animosity towards Obama. Which means that the Post’s DC Bureau Chief, Charles Hurt, is a fucking moron.

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The Vatican has announced that the European Court of Human Rights as ruled that the displaying of crucifixes in Italian public schools is a violation of religious and educational freedoms.

Someone at the Vatican (presumably wearing a ridiculous hat) called the ruling “wrong and myopic.”

The Vatican plans to appeal to a higher power (no, silly, I mean the European Court of Human Rights’ Grand Chamber).

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The Daily Mail has paid $40,000 in libel damages to Kate Winslet. What horrible thing did they say about her?

That when she claimed that she works out at home (not a gym) for just 20 minutes a day, they claimed she was lying.

I guess libel means something different across the pond.

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A state corrections officer was driving to work yesterday morning when he hit and killed Dorothea Wallace, 38, with his car. The twist? The officer, Damon Padmore, 38, was sober.

He was, however, driving with a suspended license. So he was arrested.

Who polices the policemen?

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So long, Keith Bardwell! Your resignation was accepted yesterday and your racist ass is no longer a Louisiana justice of the peace.

A victory for interracial couples everywhere (though they might want to think about moving out of Louisiana just to be safe).

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Michael Goodwin is angry at the New York Times for always focusing on the negative where Catholicism is concerned. “The Times‘ most prominent Catholic articles always seem to involve abusive priests, and it never has space for the good works the church does or what it means to be faithful.” How about this, Mike: If Catholic priests stop molesting children and the church stops re-assigning child molesters to other parishes and they pay restitution to the hundreds (if not thousands or more) of children whose lives those priests destroyed, I will personally petition the New York Times to write an article about what it means to be faithful. Deal?

He also issues Bloomberg a warning in Third time is the charm for Mike — or else (or else what? He won’t get a fourth term?) and accuses Hillary Clinton of doing a horrible job as Secretary of State (HILLARY MAKING A MESS IN MIDEAST). Oddly enough, last month he chastised Clinton for becoming “a Stepford Secretary of State” because she did too little. Now she’s doing too much. Directly beneath this piece is one where he mocks Tim Geithner for saying banks were taking too many risks in September and then, less than two months later, saying that banks need to take more risks.

“Look at how black that black kettle is!” brayed the black pot.

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Good grief.

IDominic Carter’s wife walked out of the Kansas City Marriott where she and Dominic were staying on Sunday and disappeared. At 10:50 p.m., police rushed to the Marriott after getting a call from someone claiming to be “a Carter relative” who said that they were “concerned that Dominic is going to commit suicide.” Carter (who checked in as Charles Brown) was alone on his room when the cops arrived. At 11:30, Dominic’s 21-year-old daughter (Courtney) called the hotel to relay an earlier phone call in which “things didn’t seem right. Her mother seemed like she might be under some type of duress,” said Kansas City Police Officer Darin Snapp. Courtney also said that, an hour after she spoke to her mother, Dominic called her (on his wife’s cellphone) to ask if Courtney knew where Marilyn was.

Dominic explained to police that he and his wife (Marilyn) were in the hotel lobby earlier in the day when she went to the ladies’ room. After waiting 15 minutes, Dominic started to worry. He opened a missing persons case (um… don’t you have to wait 24 hours for a person to be officially missing?) and police started looking for her.

The following morning, Dominic called the police to tell them that his credit card had been used to buy a plane ticket to New York. Sure enough, the cops went to the airport and found Marilyn waiting to board a flight.

Here’s hoping that BDD and his wife are both OK (in body and mind).

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A 20-year-old NYU student has become “at least the eighth student” to commit suicide there since 2003.

You may recall that, after the two suicides in September and October 2003, NYU erected plexiglass barriers in the library to prevent people from jumping to their death. Somehow, this guy made it over them, falling 10 stories and dying on impact.

Our thoughts are with the student’s family (who also lost a child in 1995 to SIDS).

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Poor Schmuley.

Despite advising Jon Gosselin to break up with his wife’s plastic surgeon’s daughter, the two of them were at P.D. O’Hurley’s on Saturday night. According to Page Six (today on page 16), “There were a few people dressed as Jon Gosselin [for Halloween] in the bar and staff were ordered to keep the fake Jons away from him.”

Who do I talk to about keeping the real Jon away from me?

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The latest “celebrity” to try the old “do you know who I am?” chestnut on one of the little people?

Frances Bean Cobain.

She was waiting to board a train from Boston to New York when she was informed that her reservation hadn’t been paid for. She yelled — a lot — but eventually had to call her business manager (who bought her the ticket).

Ironically, if you squint, you’ll see that the tattoo on her left arm reads, “Don’t forget to pay 4 ur train ticket b4 bording [sic] train!!!1!! And BE NICE!!!!”

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“I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good.”

That’s Sarah Jessica Parker Broderick Ed in the upcoming issue of Elle, which will surely boost sales of her fragrances.

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Surprisingly, the cabby’s name wasn’t Keith Bardwell.

Two gay men were kicked out of a taxi when the driver spotted them hugging.

“You guys have to get out of the taxi! Hugging is not allowed in here!” Medhat Mohammed allegedly told his passengers two blocks after picking them up on 13th Street and 1st Avenue.

Bad enough that the fare went up $0.50, but now men can’t hug in cabs? What will I do with my Thursday afternoons now?

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Cindy Adams claims that Randy Levine asked Timothy Dolan to “do something” about Teixeira last Thursday and that, “immediately… like instantly… Teixeira hit.”

Why can’t the New York Times write about that?

Cindy also claims that Rush Limbaugh might become a Miss America judge, but I wouldn’t oxycont on it.

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Owen Wilson will voice the lead in the upcoming Marmaduke movie (also featuring Jeremy Piven and George Lopez!). If it does well, maybe my unauthorized Howard Huge trilogy will get picked up.

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Roman Polanski has reapplied for bail.

When will he learn that no means no?

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Joba Chamberlain’s mother faces up to 20 years in jail for selling a gram of meth to an undercover cop. Sentencing will take place on December 16th.

Maybe we should rest Joba tonight.

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The Post has a huge piece on two seats in Section 17A of the Legends level at Yankee Stadium that cost $24,900 each on StubHub.

I just went to StubHub.com. A seat in Legends 23 is $25,000. A seat in Legends 15A is $30,100. A seat in Legends 12 is $40,000. And a seat in Legends 15B is $50,000.

$50,000. For a single ticket.

The cheapest seat on the site? Bleachers 201, Row 9 (with “Possible Obstructed View”) is only $539.99.

Even as a Yankee fan, I find this to be repugnant.

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A new study of the MTA shows that their service sucks.

Stop the presses.

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A full-page ad from Merck (the company who lost $253,400,000 in 2005 in a lawsuit after one of their drugs, Vioxx, killed the husband of the plaintiff) invites readers to “Catch a case of the giggles.”

A pharmaceutical company uses common terminology for becoming ill (catch a case of) and turns it into something desirable (the giggles!)?

I guess giggles never killed anyone (unlike Merck’s drugs).

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Bernie Kerik is expected to plead guilty tomorrow in a deal that will give him 27-33 months behind bars.

If he had taken this deal two years ago (when it was first offered), he would have served 12 months. And he wouldn’t have spent the $2,000,000 in legal fees he has amassed since then.

The plea covers the two cases he was charged in in New York (for accepting free renovations in this apartment in exchange for recommending a construction company for city contracts and for hiding money from the IRS) and the one he faced in Washington (for lying to the feds).

Bernie Kerik, ladies and gentlemen.

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Guy tricks out La-Z-Boy recliner to include motor. Guy drives chair to bar. Guy drinks a lot, crashes chair into bar. Guy gets arrested for DUI. Guy puts chair on eBay.

La-Z-Boy halts auction — because the chair isn’t a La-Z-Boy.

Guy is an idiot.

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Glenn Harlan Reynolds tells us THE OBAMA MAGIC HAS FADED (really, Glenn?) and that (despite facts provided earlier in this horrible newspaper) most voters were anti-Obama rather than pro-anything else.

Glenn is a “University of Tennessee law professor” (whatever that is).

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And then we come to The Voters’ Message.

“Yesterday was a bad day to be a political incumbent — and, particularly, an Obama-backed Democrat. Voters couldn’t have been more clear. They’re focused — on President Obama’s vast plan to essentially remake America.”

One of the examples they cite is the NYC mayoral race. “And, at City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg — though personally popular — won re-election by a surprisingly thin margin over City Comptroller Bill Thompson.”

Um… Bloomberg is a Republican. Thompson is a Democrat. But, yeah, we re-elected Bloomberg (by 50,000 votes) because we hate Obama. Well spotted.

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John Podhoretz’s Audacity of ‘Nope’ furthers the “everyone hates Obama” meme, creating gag headlines to describe last night’s election results. “On the mood inside the Oval Office: ‘The Audacity of Mope.’ On being suckered into trying to flip the New Jersey and Virginia races to the Democrats: ‘The Audacity of Rope-a-Dope.’ On the voters and their view of Democrats running for office just a year after the Obama triumph: ‘The Audacity of Nope.’”

I’m amused by the audacity of John Podhoretz.

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Is that belched urine I smell? Why it’s Dick Morris! His A Deathblow to ObamaCare marks the 214th time that he declared the health care reform to be irrevocably done for. He also claims that 55% of Americans are against reform (the poll he cites actually says 54% are against the current bill, not reform in general, but I doubt that even that number’s accurate).

I wish someone would blow death on Dick Morris.

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There’s a lawsuit for that.

AT&T is suing Verizon over Verizon’s “There’s a map for that” ads which parody Apple’s “There’s an app for that” iPhone ads (iPhones use AT&T’s 3G network).

Doesn’t AT&T know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

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Awww. The Post has a centerfold of Pedro Martinez as a baby! It says WHO’S YOUR DADDY?! on the bottom and everything!

Suitable for framing!

(unless we lose tonight)

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James Urbaniak (the voice of Dr. Venture on The Venture Bros., which you should all be watching on Adult Swim) passed along an article in the New York Times that blamed the closing of the new Brighton Beach Memoirs revival (after just one week!) on everything from Judd Apatow and Steve Carell to the animated movie Up.

Michael Riedel points his finger at one of the few things that the Times didn’t blame in the article. Apparently, BBM was offered a sweetheart deal by the NYT: In exchange for several weeks of gigantic full-page ads in print and loads of online spots (at a ridiculously reduced rate), BBM would not advertise anywhere else until after opening night. No radio ads, no e-mail blasts, no direct-mail, no nothing.

Someone at the Times told Riedel that this was “a pilot program” that was “supposed to be secret. And it crashed and burned.”

It’s a great play and I love Laurie Metcalf. I’m sorry that The New York Times (and not The Office or Up or The Hangover) killed it.

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Vicente Padilla, pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers, shot himself in the leg in Nicaragua. The injury is considered minor and he was released from the hospital.

No word on whether or not he dropped his glass of white wine.

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Joel Sherman believes that, unless Robinson Cano does something remarkable tonight, he might be traded in the off-season.

Is Chase Utley available?

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David Wells should feel right at home at the New York Post. He, too, likes to contradict himself from sentence to sentence.

“Chase Utley needs to kiss the Yankee Stadium dirt tonight. Enough is enough already. I would never advocate throwing at somebody’s head, but there comes a time when you’ve got to make an insanely hot hitter like Utley squirm.”

Maybe boxing and football aren’t the only sports that result in retired players having brain damage.

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We love Hell’s Kitchen. We loved Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (both the US and UK versions). Will we love MasterChef? The Post describes it as “American Idol for chefs” which makes me want to stop watching it before they even start filming it, but Ramsay’s involvement (though Fox won’t say what that involvement actually will be) makes me wonder if we’ll become hooked.

Fun fact: This season’s finale of the Australian version of MasterChef was that country’s highest-rated show of all time.

Another fun fact: Australia is also a continent.

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Today’s TV listings include this (from 7:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m.): “2009 World Series: Game 6: Philadelphia Phillies at New York Yankees from Yankee Stadium. (If Necessary) Live.”

When will we know?

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OK. Time to do non-blog things.

Enjoy your Hump Day, kids!