Archive for November 6th, 2009

Let The Sun Shine In

6th November
2009
written by jed

I never thought I’d be appalled at seeing Derek Jeter on the front page of my newspaper. But, almost 24 hours after Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan opened fire on his fellow soldiers at Fort Hood — killing 13 and wounding 31 according to the most recent estimate — my 140-page paper has a smiling Yankee holding the World Series trophy with the headline CHAMPS PARADE on the cover.

Not a single inch of that front page makes mention of yesterday’s tragedy.

Although, after Shep Smith and Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Texas) solemnly agreed on FOX News that the shooter’s name “tells us a lot” (about the gunman’s motivations), I should probably be grateful that I get to see Derek before I get a taste of the Post’s usual brand of fair and balanced “news.”

Is it on page 2? Nope. That’s an ad for a perfume.

Page 3? Nope. That has 5 articles:

1) The National Toy Hall of Fame has inducted “the ball” into its prestigious collection. The Big Wheel and the Game Boy were also inducted.

2) Obesity is responsible for over 100,000 cases of cancer in the U.S. each year.

3) Scientists have discovered that babies cry in the accents of their parents.

4) A newlywed groom (who was on his honeymoon in Borough Park) jumped to his death while his wife slept. This article is tastefully placed next to the fifth article…

5)… which features a large photo of a woman — sitting on the ledge of a 21st floor window — who was threatening to commit suicide yesterday. Police talked her down.

Is it on page 4? Page 5?

Nope, that’s more Yankees stuff. About how pretty their rings will be, about the celebratory party they had at 1Oak, about Joe Girardi’s heroism (I posted about that yesterday).

Oh, here it is. Pages 6 and 7 have the banner headline ‘JIHAD’ EYED IN FT. HOOD SLAYS and the sub-banner Army Muslim major massacres 12 after feds probed ’suicide bomb’ talk.

Apparently, Major Hasan “had been eyed by the feds recently for demented Internet postings about suicide bombings.”

Remember when Bill Maher was taken off the air for saying that the people who few planes into the World Trade Center were not cowards? Well, Major Hasan compared suicide bombers to soldiers who throw themselves on a grenade to save his fellow soldiers. “To say that this soldier committed suicide is inappropriate. Its more appropriate to say he is a brave hero that sacrificed his life for a more noble cause. Scholars have paralled [sic] this to suicide bombers whose intention, by sacrificing their lives, is to help save Muslims by killing enemy soldiers.”

How incredibly demented.

What the Post doesn’t mention in their 2-page spread (but which I found in the Dallas Morning News) is that , according to Hasan’s aunt, ever since 9/11/01 Hasan had been harassed by his fellow soldiers for being a Muslim and that “for several years” he had been trying to get discharged from the service. He even offered to pay the Army back for his education if they would let him to leave before he met his commitment. But the Army refused.

That any American soldier dies before his or her time is a tragedy. That one (let alone 13) should be killed on a U.S. Army base is horrific. But when someone who has spent years working at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center, helping his fellow soldiers with their mental and physical problems, has to face the kind of religious persecution that Hasan allegedly faced… that’s just as tragic. And it should give you an idea of what its like for the gay men and women who, despite their country not entirely supporting them, still fight every day to support their country.

More details continue to emerge. My heart goes out to everyone involved.

David Dinkins rips into Obama for not stumping more for Bill Thompson.

Who’s David Dinkins?

Infuriating: The average speed of the M42 crosstown bus is 3.7 miles per hour.

Even more infuriating: The new head of the MTA has already started proposing another fare hike for 2010.

Yet still more infuriating: Charlie Rangel is expected to be cleared today on one of the six ethics violations he’s being investigated for.

Lindsay Lohan Twatted yesterday about her parents: “she blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I’d beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did.”

Michael Lohan’s response: “That’s a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I’m going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she’s forsaken everthing that He’s given her and she’s done nothing but misuse all the gifts she’s given.”

All of a sudden, my Thanksgivings seem far less awkward.

Paula Abdul reportedly broke out into tears “at least three times” while watching a screening of Precious.

And once while riding the escalator to the theater, twice at the concession stand, once in the parking lot and four times at the Fandango kiosk.

Sharon Osbourne told Sirius XM listeners that Susan Boyle “looks like a hairy asshole.”

Which is funny coming from Osbourne, who looks like a waxed asshole.

Lauren Williams, 29, will be on The Tyra Banks Show today to share her story with the world.

Lauren has two fully-functional vaginas.

I wonder if Tyra will make her wear a t-shirt with a giant 2 on it.

According to prosecutors, Andrew Kelly (one of the seemingly many cops who drove drunk and killed someone recently) originally told investigators that he hadn’t been drinking at all. Later he changed his answer to “not really.”

It’s like Rangel. Any Democrats that circle the wagons and tries to protect him are tarnishing the entire party. Likewise, any cop who tries to help this cop get out of paying for his despicable crime is tarnishing the name of the NYPD as a whole.

(gets off soapbox, closes eyes, thinks of Lauren Williams)

All day I dream about sneakers.

Adidas once had a $3,000,000 endorsement deal with the University of Central Florida’s athletic department that ran through 2015. They still would if not for Michael Jordan’s son, Marcus.

See, the deal stipulated that the UCF basketball players would all wear Adidas gear. Marcus Jordan (“out of deference to his superstar father”) chose to comply — except for his Nike Air Jordan sneakers.

The school claims that they told Adidas about Marcus’ request and that they were “led to believe” that a solution could be reached.

If I were Nike, I’d call UCF and offer them a $10,000 endorsement contract. And I’d send a gold-plated fruit basket to Marcus Jordan.

Ah, to be a cop in Florida.

David Napodano flashed a mother and daughter in a parking lot. Police arrived. Dave explained that it was all a misunderstanding. See, he’d only removed his pants because he had “explosive diarrhea.”

The cop then had to look at Mr. Napadano’s undercarriage and undergarments to try and find traces of diarrhea to back up David’s story. Unfortunately (fortunately?), there was no diarrhea, explosive or otherwise.

And that cop will now have nightmares until dementia inevitably sets in.

A 78-year-old actress was critically injured yesterday when her mobility scooter was hit by a Parks Department garbage truck. Shami Chaikin was in the the Eighth Avenue bicycle lane at 9:00 a.m. when the truck hit her. She was rushed to the hospital in critical condition and underwent emergency surgery.

Get well soon, Shami.

Matthew Brenner won a $10,000 University of Montana halftime contest when he kicked a field goal.

Matthew Brenner lost the $10,000 he won at a University of Montana halftime contest when found out he was a place kicker in high school (the waiver he signed stipulated that he had never played sports; he said he didn’t actually read it).

Bill O’Reilly’s remarkable sentence of the day: “Oprah is basically responsible for Obama’s fame.”

He also proclaims that ObamaCare “is shaping up to be an absolute disaster,” leaving out “if I have anything to say about it.”

Michael Riedel says that Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark will begin previews in June and open in July.

And it only cost $45,000,000 to put together!

Here’s something I’ve never seen before: the title of Lou Lumenick’s review of The Box gives away the plot in just four words. Button pressed for money is what happens at the end of the Twilight Zone episode this movie is based on (which was itself based on the short story “Button, Button” by Richard Matheson). Maybe the button pushing is dealt with early enough in the film that it’s OK to print it in giant letters, but I still found it kind of odd.

V.A. Musetto gives Collapse one star. He calls it “sleep-indicing” ($20 says there are no Asian breasts in the movie).

He also gives Splinterheads one star (double or nothing on  bet).

But what of Pete “James Grover Blurber” Hammond?

He calls Disney’s A Christmas Carol “Spectacular! An extraordinary new 3D version of the greatest Christmas story of all!” Actually, Pete, the greatest Christmas story of all is A Christmas Story.

But what if you can’t get vague qualifier-riddled praise from Pete? Then you go to the only man in America less qualified to review movies!

“[The Fourth Kind is] a remarkable movie that boggles the mind and changes your opinion about UFOs. This is Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind.” — Larry King

Larry will be getting a call from Spielberg’s attorneys in 5… 4… 3… 2…

San Francisco Giant Tim Lincecum was pulled over in Washington (the state, not the ex-president) for speeding. The cop smelled pot, he handed over his pipe. He faces a misdemeanor charge.

In similar-on-many-levels news, the Mets are declining their option on J.J. Putz.

Despite the World Series being over, David Wells is still being published.

“I was involved in the 2003 World Series that we lost to the Marlins, and I’d like to think if my back wasn’t as bad we would have won it, because I would have been a better pitcher than if I didn’t have to take injections.”

So, you blame yourself for the 2003 loss?

“If people say we lost because of me, then those people have a problem.”

So, it wasn’t your fault?

“If my back is healthy we win that World Series.”

(slowly backs away from the scary bald man)

Rivera and Jeter’scontracts expire after the 2010 season. Posada, Swisher and Marte’s expire the following year

If the Yankees are smart, they will remember that they would up cutting $10,500,000 out of Pettitte’s base salary this year (though he picked up $5,000,000 in bonuses for having a championship year) and give him at least that much more for at least one more year.

There’s a parade today for the Yankees, but it was so windy when I went for the paper today (along with the sore throat I now have thanks to the various coughs and sneezes of the group I coach on Thursday nights) that I am content to wave my imaginary pennant at the imaginary Yankees who spend each day blowing me kisses and throwing imaginary rose petals in my path wherever I go.

Is Oprah going to re-up or let her contract expire in 2011?

Well, that depends. Are we talking about her TV contract or her contract with the actor that plays her boyfriend?

Glenn Beck’s website relayed the tragic news that he is recovering nicely from his surgery (which, again, was an appendectomy — his head remains up his ass).

“Those compassionate loving liberal bloggers were bummed things didn’t end differently for Glenn.”

Wow. I actually agree with something on Glenn Beck’s website.

Have a lovely Friday, peeps. Jed’s gonna take a nap.

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