YESTERDAY

A staggering amount of Yankees stuff (when you consider how many special pull-out sections the paper has already published — not to mention the one coming on Sunday), including Andrea Peyser’s piece on Derek Jeter (“Then my man Derek boarded the float behind me.”) He is not your man, Andrea. You are a Mets fan. B’also? He dates women who aren’t abrasive Italian stereotypes old enough to be his grandmother.

Get off the bandwagon, preferably while it is going very fast. On a highway made of glass shards and thumb tacks.

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Do you work at A.L. Sarroff on Liberty Street? If so, are you one of the super-bright employees that threw (not confetti or shredded papers but) clients’ personal financial information out the window as the Yankees’ drove by? If so, well played.

Any clients reading this? If so, why are you still clients?

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Penises Made of Vomit (sorry. Ralph Peters) hops in the Hyperbole-mobile and starts demanding that we call a spade a spade (so to speak).

“What cowards we are. Political correctness killed those patriotic Americans at Fort Hood as surely as the Islamist gunman did. And the media treat it like a case of nondenominational shoplifting.”

“Get ready for the apologista. We’ve already heard from the terrorist’s family that ‘he’s a good American.’ In their world, maybe he is. But when do we, the American public, knock off the PC nonsense?”

I think “we” refers to White people.

“I guarantee you that the Obama administration’s nonresponse to the Fort Hood attack will mock the memory of our dead.”

I’ll take that bet. If you win, I’ll stop making fun of your name. If you lose, I get to cut off your fingers. With a dull spoon.

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Engineer Jason Rodriguez, 40, was angry that (2 years earlier) he was let go from Reynolds Smith & Hills, so he returned to their offices on Friday, killing one employee and injuring five others (all are in stable condition).

Police got him three hours after the attack — at his mother’s house.

I think his last name tells us a lot. When will we, the American public, realize that these foreign dogs only mean us harm?

(cuts eyeholes in pillowcase, purchases Lynyrd Skynyrd LP on eBay)

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That guy who said he was too fat to kill his son-in-law?

Turns out a jury of his peers disagreed.

Enjoy prison, Edward Ates (also, try to get people to give you the nickname “Crazy” because “Crazy Ates” would be a great prison nickname)!

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According to a survey of British schoolchildren, 1 in 20 kids thought Adolf Hitler was a German football coach, 1 in 6 thought Auschwitz was a theme park, 1 in 12 thought the Blitz was “a European cleanup campaign following World War II” and 20 in 20 surveyors were unable to detect sarcasm or “the taking of piss.”

Wankers.

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Congratulations to Cha Sa-soon, 68!

She just passed her written exam for a driver’s license! And it only took her… 950 tries!

She’s taken the exam every business day since April of 2005. That’s roughly $4,200 in application fees.

Good luck on the road test, Cha(also, try to get people to give you the nickname “Ooh-La-La” because “Ooh-La-La Sa-soon” would be a great ad campaign for shampoo)!

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Chris Christie has promised to veto any tax hike presented to him by the Legislature in 2010.

B’wouldn’t it be funny if the guy who ran on a “no new taxes” platform turned around and raised taxes in 2010? Is such a thing even possible?

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Adrian Rawn, 28, tried to kill himself on Friday morning by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.

He fell 212 feet into water that was 55 degrees. And survived.

He swam to New Jersey and is now in serious condition at Hackensack University Medical Center, where doctors and nursing continue to crack their gum and knuckles around the clock.

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Art D’Lugoff has died at the age of 85. He was weeks away from re-opening the Village Gate.

They don’t make folks like him anymore. Godsepeed, Art.

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An article on the soon-to-be-released Pong (you put it over your cellphone and it redirects radiation away from your head) begins, “It’s believed that cellphones — along with peanut butter, microwaves and just about everything else in life — might cause cancer.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Post.

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The blurb of Larry King’s “review” of The Fourth Kind has been shortened in their ad to “A remarkable movie that boggles the mind.”

I’d imagine that jelly in a squeeze bottle boggles what’s left of his mind.

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Manny Ramirez has agreed to return to L.A. for the 2010 season.

I truly hope that this year, he successfully has that baby.

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Turns out that Mariano Rivera had a rib injury sometime during the ALCS. But he sucked it up and continued his postseason dominance.

I say we have that rib removed and put in Cooperstown, right next to the sock that Curt Schilling put dog’s blood on.

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Jose Canseco was asked which current baseball player he would most like to box. He replied, “Alex Rodriguez, get your ass in the ring, I’ll beat you to a pulp. That lying little idiot, I’d like to get him in the ring.”

Sadly, Rodriguez is too busy being successful to celebrity box, so Canseco went home and looked at his testicles under a microscope.

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The postal service in Britain has decreed that Benny Hill is too risqué to put on a postage stamp there.

And yet Donald Duck — who never wore pants once in his entire life — is considered OK.

(shakes head in disgust)

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TODAY

Dems pass $1.2T health bill rests atop the headline WON’T HURT A BIT! along with a photo of Obama’s smiling face Photoshopped onto a doctor tapping a syringe.

I was wondering what the Post (whose columnists have been assuring readers for weeks that the health-care bill would never make it through the House) would say about yesterday’s historic passing. Surely they’d have some kind of “Oopsie! We were wrong!” mea culpa, no?

“Open up your wallets, America! A bloated $1.2 trillion health-care bill squeezed through the House last night by a vote of 220-215, promising to smother taxpayers and businesses with a raft of new penalties and fees.”

Boy, I can’t wait until I get to pages 6-7 to find out how bad the Democrats just stuck it to America!

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Are you a Citibank customer? Do you have less than $1,500 in a checking account there?

If so, you’re about to pay a brand-new monthly $7.50 penalty! That’s right — starting February, you’ll lose $90 a year if you don’t have over $1,500 in that account!

No wonder the stock is falling again.

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The Post managed to find a radical Muslim in Queens who is happy about the Fort Hood attack.

Which, you know, proves that all Muslims hate America.

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Michael Tanner insists that the health-care bill is a government takeover of medicine.

Who dresses him in the morning?

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Great thanks to all of the Democrats who helped pass the ban on federally-funded abortions.

I can’t wait to read about all the back-alley deaths that happen because of this! Finally, I’ll know what it was like to be alive in the 1950s!

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I blame Twitter.

The 911 operator entered a 2 instead of a 5. A simple mistake, sure, but one that caused three deaths.

Engine Company 292 and Rescue Company 4 were each half a mile away from a house that was on fire. But they kept looking for an address that didn’t exist; they got to the actual fire almost 5 minutes after the 911 call was placed.

Remember when people actually checked their work? Not SpellChecked, I mean actually checked?

Me neither.

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Michael Goodwin, you so awful.

Barack has a truth ache insists that most Americans think our POTUS as a “liar” and “mostly liberal.”

Racially charged (which I like to think was originally titled Why Black people can’t have nice things) laughs at how New York City’s first Black mayor and New York’s first Black governor are fighting with the country’s first Black president.

But the highlight (lowlight?) of Mikey’s page today is RADICAL ISLAM HITS HOME. It begins, “Tell the truth. When you first heard of the Fort Hood massacre, did you suspect a Muslim? I did, and I take no comfort in being right.”

You want the truth, Mike? Here’s the truth. When you say “American soldier” to me, I immediately think of a White guy in his late twenties/early thirties. I know Black people are in the armed forces. And Asians, and Muslims and women of all shades, but I’m White and my family is White and the majority of people I’ve known throughout my life are White. So when you say “politician,” I think of an older White man. The most powerful politician in America is Black, but my knee-jerk reaction is to think of a White guy. I don’t think that Whites are better than other folks; but if you say “pilot” I think of a White man — with a moustache, for some reason — and if you say “cashier” I think of a White woman, even though I used to be a cashier.

But what does that mean? I’ll admit that my imagination may be considered slightly racist (although, if you said “Black doctor” I wouldn’t struggle with the image), but when I hear about an attack against American citizens on American soil (that doesn’t involve hijacking airplanes), my first visual isn’t a Muslim. In all honesty, it’s Timothy McVeigh. Timothy was raised Roman Catholic and was a decorated U.S. Army veteran.

Timothy also threw up “red flags” like the “White Power” t-shirt he ordered from the KKK while he was enlisted (he was angered by Black soldiers’ pride in their heritage). He was given an honorable discharge in 1992.

Maybe I’m crazy or maybe I just know enough patriotic level-headed Muslims, but when I hear about something awful happening, I don’t immediately think of Muslims. My default is White, based solely on my personal experiences over the last 35 years.

Michael Goodwin thinks of Muslims because he is a hateful racist, and I take no comfort in being right.

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Uh-oh! Let’s hope Britney Spears has a 37th comeback in her!

Hundreds of angry concertgoers in Australia stormed out of Brit-Brit’s concert when it became clear that she was lip-synching the whole thing. Some even demanded refunds.

People are once again demanding that a law be instituted to protect fans from being “duped” by performers who purport to be performing but are actually just moving their lips.

I am amazed that people would actually go to a Britney Spears concert to hear her sing.

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Originally, Michael Lohan was demanding $100,000 for the recordings he’s been releasing through RadarOnline.

But, in an uncharacteristic showing of restraint, everyone told him “no.” So he gave them to Radar for free (though, they paid him for an exclusive interview following the tapes’ release).

“I have more recordings which will further back up what I have said so far. I will release them. I will not stop until Lindsay goes to rehab.”

Everyone, I’m begging you. Stop paying attention to this man.

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Lloyd Blankfein, the head of Goldman Sachs considers himself to be a “blue-collar” banker who is “doing God’s work.”

I assume that the work he’s referring to is smiting.

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It’s a veritable tag-team of ignorance!

Regurgitation Molded Into Phalluses (sorry, Ralph Peters) gives us O can’t be bothered by terror, with … and isn’t listening to us directly beneath it by none other than Peggy Noonan!

Ralph laments that “The massacre’s 51 casualties, including 13 dead, were insufficient to drag President Obama away from the White House Happy Hour. We just saw the worst terror attack on America since 9/11. And Obama couldn’t adjust his schedule to support our grieving troops.”

I’m trying to locate Ralph’s op-ed from 2005 where he rips into Bush (and McCain!) for literally eating cake while Hurrican Katrina was killing well over 13 Americans, but for some reason, I just can’t find it. I did find this, though.

Ralph goes on to presciently tell us of the happenings in alternate timelines — which only he is privy to.

“Imagine if, instead of Fort Hood, the massacre had gone down at a mosque in Detroit — carried out by a maddened Christian or Jew. Obama would’ve been aboard Air Force One before the pilots had time to file a flight plan and he would have been on site before the gun smoke cleared, hugging and boo-hooing and dispensing stirring rhetoric for the evening news. But go out of his way to rally our butchered troops? Not a chance. It’s not like they’re real human beings with Ivy League degrees. When Obama got word of the attack, he didn’t even lose his fabled cool.”

Gee, Ralph. Why don’t you tell us how you really feel? Your arguments are faulty and despicably insulting — I’m just amazed you didn’t mention arugula! You are correct, though. Obama hates non-Muslim people, especially if they didn’t go to a really good college and super-especially if they’re in the armed forces. And when they die, he and his book-smart buddies laugh, socialize medicine and give free money to illegal immigrants.

B’also? Nice racist touch bringing up “his fabled cool.” You obviously think that a true hero, when learning of an American tragedy, would display some kind of panic or courage or vigor or… anything.

I’m angry that people not only read Ralph Peters, but I’ll be seeing loads of praise for him in the letters section tomorrow.

Peggy Noonan seems like the Oracle at Delphi in comparison.

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Kyle Smith “reviews” Al Gore’s new book, Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis in EA$Y BEING GREEN.

Smith disregards everything that Gore says because, if the world actually enacted his ideas, he’d make a profit.

Smith has no problem with Cheney awarding no-bid contracts to his “former” company in the region where he started a fraudulent war, but the fact that Al Gore is investing in things that he believes will ultimately benefit the planet? Fuck that noise! I’m turning all of my money into Blackwater stock!

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Am I having an acid flashback or am I actually looking at a 2-page spread devoted to analyzing Reagan’s Berlin Wall speech?

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It’s official: The New York Post is “over” Lady GaGa (GAGGING ON GAGA).

A full page about how they don’t want to talk about her anymore.

That’s like a black fly in your chardonnay.

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V.A. Musetto’s favorite movie at the London Film Festival?

She, A Chinese.

Of course.

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Carl Pavano is a free agent!

B’also, Kevin Kernan reminds us that the Ortiz jersey that was buried in the foundation of the new Yankee Stadium was supposed to curse us for 86 years.

It didn’t even curse us for a single season.

Unless… it’s the only reason we won… oh my God! Put it back in! PUT IT BACK IN!

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And on that note, good morrow.